I...

I don't know what my emotions are doing, Ill be honest. good read though. Ill give you an up-thumbs and a "Gewd jawb".

Lately ive been reading more and more clop... I'm a little concerned with myself..

I also have no clue what the comment above mine says.

251000
A) The length of something is not a valid point against the story, unless you're able prove that this story's length somehow works against it.
B) If you can't come up...
C) ...with more negative points...
D) I read this story twice and I still didn't find any over explained points. Could you please point one out to me?
E) ...don't put these in. It makes you look stupid.
F) Says the person who's characterization of Pinkie Pie was non-existent at best, and when it wasn't it was horrible. Those were my thoughts when I read your story which, might I add, has more thumbs down than up. Then again, what do I know... it was too long. I just skimmed it.

The moral of the story is this: Don't go around criticizing other's stories when you have nothing to back your arguments with. ESPECIALLY if one of your stories is a trollfic and your only real one has more thumbs down than up. So don't complain when you honestly don't know what you're talking about. You idiot.

Now about the story:
It was quite nice. It was romantic, well characterized, and you portrayed the connection between Rarity and "me" well. I also like how you managed to portray the connection between Rarity and her friend. She's only there for a while and is gone as soon as she arrived but it doesn't leave you thinking who she was and what she was about. You can figure out all about her quite quickly and clearly. Well done. The drama was nicely done too. It felt real and it payed off to a heart warming ending. The only negative points I can find are that, while still well done, the sex scenes seem off and the job and the connection to the co-workers of our protagonist is only lightly touched upon. I would have also liked to see more of his backstory. Which was quite subtly put in and it didn't break the flow of the story. But what bothers me is that we slowly start to learn about how he ended up in Equestria, but then it's just dropped. So yeah, I guess Mr. Dashin was somewhat correct in his point about the length being a problem. But instead of being too long, it was too short. The story feels like it's gonna expand on a couple of aspects but then runs out of space/time.
So that's my two cents. You can either take what I said as it is. Or you can count in the fact that it's very late at the time of writing and I'm sleepy as all hell. And maybe tomorrow I wake up and see that your story is a pile of incomprehensible babble and I just imagined the story in and I see that my comment is completely unjustified. (About the story that is. I still think Dashin's an idiot.) But I doubt that.

251391
Hey, thanks for the feedback, Amppi. It's much appreciated, especially as this is my first piece of 'adult' fiction. This is a work-in-progress story, not a one-shot, so I plan to cover any issues in future chapters.

Let's see here...
-I intend to expand on the roles of both Rarity's friend, and the construction guys, in further chapters. I wanted to just introduce them here, especially Cashmere, because I intend for her to have a large role in the future. You can probably guess her role by her personality...or I would hope, if I wrote it properly. Rest assured, you'll get to know the other characters well enough soon.
-Writing sex scenes is hard, I've come to find out. It's a really delicate thing. As I re-read through this, I'm finding the first scene to be somewhat rushed, and that bugs me. So, look for that to be improved in the future. I didn't want to just...skim over the intimacy, like I've seen a lot of people do. Would you say it was too descriptive, or took too long, or something like that?
-The audience-insert main character's story will, needless to say, be expanded upon. I've always liked dropping the backstory slowly, in pieces, because I think reading a huge chunk of what is, essentially, exposition is kind of tiring. I'm planning out the next chapter as I type this, and I'm going to try and focus primarily on the backstory and the side characters.

I'm relieved that the drama came across well without crossing into melodrama!

For most of this, it was basically myself trying to 'feel out' the story, seeing what works and what doesn't so that I can improve upon those things in future chapters.

Thanks for your constructive criticism, I really appreciate it!
-Dref

251000
Flat criticism helps no one, bro. Constructive criticism is what helps people improve.
The operative word is 'constructive' here.

I am reading this simply because your description made me laugh my arse off. Thank you for that ^_^

Strange... Looks like this Fic can't decide if it's a humanised story, a HiE story or a regular romance/ clop story. This makes for some odd reading. For example, first we get this line: "She grasps your head in her hooves and turns you to face her". A few lines later we get this: "Pulling back and letting her arms rest on your shoulders". I'm sorry, I wasn't aware ponies had arms. I thought they possessed forelegs. This confusion tends to ruin the immersion of what would otherwise be a great story.

251489
It's wonderful to hear that my criticism can be of use. It's also wonderful to know that things will be expanded upon in future chapters. What I initially meant was that the backstory tidbits and characters really left me wanting to read and learn more about them. This is a good thing, and means you managed to make the story very captivating. And you wrote the character of Cashmere perfectly. The character feels very real and flows into the story.
The sex wasn't over descriptive or anything, it was just fine. I just think it's missing this feel to it. I guess "intimacy" is the best word I can come up with to describe it. I'm not saying that you skimmed over any of it or anything. I'm saying that it's still missing something. It's missing a bit of the connection between rarity and our protagonist that can be seen in other scenes. The sex isn't too long and it doesn't drag on or anything. So good job on that.
The drama as I said, is done very well. It feels very real and it flows into the story perfectly. The drama sucks you into the story well enough that you can feel the weight of the air as our protagonist contemplates his actions. Same goes for the romance. And the connection. etc.
So yeah, the story is wonderful and I can't wait see more. Keep up the great work.
This actually my first time writing criticism, let alone constructive at that. So I hope I managed to get my opinions across in this one as well as the previos one.

251529
Heya Bloodpool, I must confess to that part being a result of indecision. Do you describe their front legs as "arms", since they use them to manipulate things, or forelegs? I actually changed those two words around a lot. In the future, I'll stick with "forelegs". Sorry for the confusion!

251524
Thanks! I'm going to try and keep descriptions light-hearted and silly, because, honestly, a story about romantic ponies is silly. Might as well have fun with it!

251595
You are indeed helpful, so don't worry about it. Trying to get that 'intimate' feeling is proving to be quite a challenge. I thought I'd written the scenes with a good amount of intimacy, especially the second one at the end of the story, but that's something I'll try to fix. That was actually the primary goal of that scene near the end, and I tried to convey the intimacy and emotion of it. Failing to get that across fully irks me a bit. I may have to revisit it.
I'm hoping that Rarity, as I've written her, is sufficiently in-character. I think some people expect her to be this hoity-toity personality all the time, but as we've seen in the show, she's very caring and considerate when she wants to be. To me, she seems like she'd be a very intimate and frank person (or rather, pony) to be around, a little more laid-back than she outwardly appears, at least in the context of a relationship.

So, yeah, thanks again. You're a big help!

I normally don't approve of this kind of stuff but damnit I approve of this

Also, that was beautiful and well written. You held true to your descriptions claim, and you should be proud ^_^

252323
252553
Thanks, guys! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Nowhere to go but up from here.

Nice to know I can be of help.
If I may expand upon my original opinion about the sex now that I've slept and re-read the last scene, I think why it feels like it's missing something is that, while the foreplay is just nice and you can feel the connection, the sex itself in the last scene is brief and over slightly too quickly. So it's sorta abrupt. Then again, I'm no expert. I don't want my opinions taken too seriously, only as somewhat helpful advice. Don't wanna be the reason of ruining a story. So it's just fine, all tough might need a bit of work.
As far as the character o rarity goes, I have to agree with you. So in my opinion, your characterization of her is just perfect.

251603 Personally, I tend to use the term "forelegs". Ponies aren't bipedal: they walk with all four limbs on the ground, thus lending more weight to the theory that they have forelegs and not arms. I belive that an organism only posseses arms if it does not use the same apendages to walk.

And by the way, I find the sex scenes a little too graphic; I don't have a problem with that, but they seem like you've just pulled them from a regular clopfic, which makes them less erotic and just plain awkward. In books, particulary romance novels, sex scenes usally center on the feelings and emotions of the charecters rather than the physical act.

254842
I see what you're saying with the sex scenes. I think it's just a matter of personal preference on things like that. Personally, descriptive scenes in fics have never bothered me, but I can see how they could do so with some people. I think when I first started writing this fic, I was going for "a clopfic with a story in it", but after feedback, and spending (no joke) five hours writing part of the second chapter last night, it's really become more like "a story with a clopfic in it". While I don't plan on cutting out descriptions entirely --after all, let's be honest, quite a few people are reading stories like this for the sex-- I do plan on making them more infrequent and more emotional, so that when they do happen, they have a greater impact.
I'm being long-winded again, so I'll cut it off here. Thanks for the feedback!

255012 I agree with you: as with most things, it simply comes down to a matter of personal taste in the end.

drama lol i rly enjoyed reading this and not just as another clopfic
hope to read moar soon

Ho-ly shit. Probably one of the best clop fics I've ever read so far. I've always been a sucker for 2nd person, so that drew me right in. I just hope the one I'm writing can stack up.

Absolutely incredible beginning, that is what tips me off to if this is king to be a good story or not, but the chapter lengths are kind of annoying because I'm on mobile so if I get a text I have to leave the page and lose my spot, course instead of waking in the bed it would have been cool if he woke on a beach and the story developed from there

OK not only did my face light up with a big grin at the doctor who reference (my favorite show ever) but the story itself is amazing, I could not just skim this one over, I was to drawn in, I can see now that this will probably become my favorite story (or very close to favorite)

Nice job. Very few errors, and over all a great story. Not normally my cup o' tea (HA!), but I approve of this.

"You look up, and she's behind the counter again. What is she, a weeping angel?"
LMAO, i get it, i get it.

This was an absolutely amazing story, heck i would call it a book. I do not agree with Amppi he did say he only skimmed the story and says that you did not do the roles correctly like pinkie pie. I would say that you did an absolutely amazing job with every single character in this story! especially with pinkie pie. i like to read everything by acting everybody out the best i know them and you have made that very easy to do so. you do have some spelling errors and a couple of misplaced words but i don't think that there is a book out there that doesn't have some errors. I also must say that i love the way you write, because with the flashbacks it has made me want to read more and more of the story and the way you played out Rarity i thought it was very perfect. In this story there was not one moment that i did not imagine the whole thing like a movie through my head. I also love how you handled the adult content, it was very beautiful and intimate. most stories i have read were very messy in the sexual areas but yours was just perfect and the story flows very nicely with it. Thank you so much for this wonderful story...heck it was more of a movie in my head than just words on a page i can not wait for more stories of yours and i hope they will be similar to this one :)

WOOPS NEVER MIND! Amppi is awesome! i wont delete this comment because that would be weird. so yah sorry about that!

...Maybe I'll see you around some time.” you forgot my snide "right..." and condescending, bemused look. lol!

*after reading futher*... my snide comment would have diverted an argument, interesting...

but the story turned out better for it, Good job! I shall read more now and will entrust you with a thumb up despite still having many chapters to go through. do not waste my trust or else I may have to... change my vote. DUN-DUN-DUN! lol.

Awesome story! (love the plot line!) The part about him saying is pinkie pie a weeping angel was hilarious, all around good story man!

Why do I have a bad feeling about this...? That had better be Rarity sharing that sofa...

*sees number of likes at exactally 280* *likes* MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I HAVE NOW CAUSED THE NUMBERS TO BE OUT OF PLACE!! >8D

OCD guys gonna kill meh! ^w^

So...Is this a sequel to a story or...What?
Im Confused.

fifteen dollar watch you've had since Basic Training.

Does it look like this?
thedrum.co.uk/uploads/news/old/11872/master.Retro_Casio_Watch.jpg
Nearly everyone I know at work has one. Including myself.

JESUS...H...CHRIST

THIS....is a long story.

Men! Man torpedoes! We're going in.

ArmedBrony brought me here! Very much enjoyed the chapter!:

2595003
lucky why do i find you at every fic i go to!?
*sigh* at least your funny

Finally got around to reading this and I'm glad I did. This story is starting out great for me, my favorite part was the doctor who weeping angel part. = )

I'm sure this story is good if you get into it. The problem is, it's written in second person and stars a character I cannon self-identify with. For me it just feels stillborn.

2993314 me too, that got me in a good mood quick!

*sees weeping angel reference*
You magnificent bastard you! I'm hooked on this story now!

Wow... just started this story. I was skeptical at first as to the quality, usually HiE stories with an established relationship at the beginning of the story don't do so well. But you have impressed me so far! I'll wait a few more chapters to decide on a fav/like though.

great chapter

amazing first chapter

Brilliant start! I've mostly steered clear of larger stories and kept to the smaller one-shots, but I couldn't help but jump in after reading some comments on another story by ArmedBrony and I regret nothing.

It's a shame that it's 4am right now, I want to jump into the next chapter, but alas... sleep is calling me.

Looking forward to the rest!

I must be crazy to be starting to read this long story again, but I just can't help it. @_@

The story is just as compelling as when I first read it some 17 weeks ago. So here we go again!

Just the first chapter and you've already gotten me to throw the story a like. I don't do that as often as I used to now that I review things more seriously. It's just so heartwarming at the end of this chapter!

“So I was outside and I happened to look up at the Carousel Boutique because I like the pretty colors on the outside of it and that's when I saw her! And you were right there with her giving her a hug that lasted a LONG TIME and I was like *GASP!* so I thought she might be sad but then I realized that she was probably happy about something because she kept saying 'YES!'”

I tried to suppress an incredibly stupid laugh that was welling up within me, but I completely failed to do so.

Jeez even construction ponies wake up late.

6128827
Yup, it's that time again. Feels like it's been forever, but this story is so worth the reread and will be a good warmup to reading fics again so I can get back to finishing Just Before the Dawn, which is my other all-time favorite Dref fic.

it's been 7 years since this fic finished and it is still without a doubt my favourite I honestly can't believe it's been 7 years I remember eagerly waiting for a new chapter to be released time flies by I swear

Don’t mind me, just revisiting one of my favorite fics on the site.