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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First! I'm really liking this I love the long chapters.
What a wonderful chapter to accompany the other wonderful chapter. Once again, I gotta point out how well you've portrayed everything. From Rarity to the town itself, everything has greatly written character and natural flow. Not really much to say here, since all the good points that I mentioned in the last chapter are present here. Many things are also improved upon. In the last chapter I mentioned how it felt like the story didn't get to explain everything and thus, felt too short. Well, that has been replaced with a perfect overall pace and a satisfying ending to this chapter. And I love how the characters are given more... well... character. They seem a lot more 3 dimensional and organic. Everything feels real and natural. the romance and the connection between Rarity and the protagonist is ever present and very apparent from the interactions between them. The connection and the past between Rarity and Cashmere was very well expanded upon too, feeling real and believable. I could go on, but I would just end up repeating myself about the characters and how fun it is to see more backstory and depth. Yeah, that's the word. Depth. So much of this story has great depth. So, yeah. This chapter's great and works just as well without the sex, which is always a plus . Keep up the good work and if there's anything you want critique of, let me now. Can't wait for the next one.
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Thanks! They take a while to write, but in the end they're worth it.
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Heya Amppi, always good to heard your thoughts. I'm ecstatic that you thought the chapter was done well, I was really trying to tighten up my writing and work on characterization. It would seem I've done a pretty decent job! Hooray! Thanks once again for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
Now to figure out where to go from here...
excellent looking forward to future installments i hope there's going to be more back story to the relationship like the beginning of this chapter
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I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that question. Anyway, I just remembered something I forgot to mention last time. I forgot to mention that the date (as in, the one behind the picture in the box) is also interestingly done. And that's a great thing. Just wanted to put that out there.
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What question? It was a rhetorical "well, what do I do now", as in, I'm trying to figure out where to take the story now.
I'm glad someone noticed the date thing! I've been neck-deep in Skyrim for a few months now, and I really liked how their date system is separated into Eras (or is it Empires?), so I copied it over with a small change.
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Sorry. I'm not too good with rhetorical questions.
I think it's Emipres in skyrim. But it should be Eras in Equestria, since the rulers never actually chance regularly... Or something. I'm not sure.
Also, if you're in need of a pre-reader or any other form of help, I'd be glad to assist in any way I can.
Jesus, this chapter had half the views of the first, I guess people really only care about the clop
The plot THICKENS... Great chapter! Onto the next one!
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I thought the date keeping was reminiscent of the system in The Elder Scrolls lore, I guess I was right, then! I'm glad you didn't just copy the names of the months directly from the Elder Scrolls wiki, too.
Hmm. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you've been in the Army. You know way too much about the life to be guessing.
As an aside, I'm a Drill Sergeant, and I'm totally going to use that line at work sometime.
One thing I really enjoyed in the story was the intimacy scene where Rarity sits on the lap (leg?) of the protagonist. The relationship building and romance taking place after their tiff the night before. It's touching that they feel comfortable enough to engage in such an act of affection and intimacy. That they seek out each other's company/ presence even though they had a tiff the night before, and subsequently make up. That they meant too much to each other to let the relationship either break apart or go on unmended.
I appreciate that there's a problem/ issue/ dilemma that the characters face. That not everything is "friendship and rainbows" as it is the mark of a well thought out story, than the flat, two-dimensional void of imagination of a GaryStu or MarySue story, where the protagonist, even if there is a problem, can SSJ4 and blow the problem away or is incredibly attractive/ charismatic and ends up bedding the Mane6 and any other background pony or OC he/she wishes.
I like how the issue/ dilemma/ problem isn't a black or white issue. Like Rarity, she finds herself torn between genuinely wishing her ex-partner well in her business venture, and on the other hand wanting as little interaction with her, because she's being asked to give up/ change her dreams and "fall in step/ line" as it were, to the vision of her ex-partner, and the frustration/ disappointment in her stallion that he didn't intervene and defend his mare's honor. Or how our ex-army protagonist is upset at being accused of "failing" Rarity which compounded an already bad day from work and resulted in him lashing out as a result.
Or as Discord might say, "Having only sunshine and rainbows without a big ol' storm of chaos is simply boring". A well written story requires a conflict/ problem/ issue/ dilemma to engage and draw the reader in, and the author delivered that to us in a realistic, believable way.
Kudos to you Drefsab
Not in the physical sense, no. Well, the tea drinking part of it anyway.
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Men, we have made it through the second chapter. Pressure is normal, everything is running smoothly.
Feels: stable
Rustle level: stable
This is captain WAAwee on the S.S Fanfic sounding the go ahead for the next chapter.
Men, damn the torpedoes! DIVE DIVE DIVE!
2761594 Sir! Our sensors have detected incoming feels ordinance, sir!
What are your orders, Sir?!
HAH! Oh god... oh man I wish Tanks were all that comfortable. I was an M1 Abrams operator in the Army. The only Comfortable position in the whole damned thing was the Driver. Inside the turret itself it was cramped as hell and uncomfortable. Especially when you had the breach guards engaged to protect you from the massive kick of the cannon. It's just... just so cramped as a Loader, Gunner or TC.