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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Perfect timing. Just as I'm thinking "Gee, I sure am bored..." you post another chapter.
Let's start with the first thing in my mind, character and relationship development. I really like how you've kept our protagonists feelings consistent. Seeing how Fluttershy feels about these things is also a nice reminder. Speaking of Fluttershy, I love how you've written her dialogue and character. Very sweet and realistic feeling, without it deviating from the show. The atmosphere and characterization of the world and places they visit has always been spectacular. The vineyard owners are also well designed and 3-dimensional. I also like the reaction Cab had when he first saw the protagonist. It's a welcome reminder to the reader that you're still something different in this world, and that no matter what you do, you're still something out of place compared to everyone else.
Although I hate to admit, the starting scene felt slightly bland compared to the rest. Pretty much up until the part when our protagonist ventures forth to Sweetie's room (which was beautifully described) it feels like it's missing a little bit of character. The dialogue might need a little bit of work.
All in all, another sweet and romantic chapter. The scene with Fluttershy was romantic and heartwarming, and the chapter was nicely spiced up with the banter of the married couple.
If you got anything to ask me, feel free to do so. I love helping. Keep on being awesome Dref. Always looking forward- to it.
Why you leave it there?!
Nice Chapter!
Congratz on getting featured also!
YES what a wonderful thing to wake up to. This is my favorite FanFic.
Oh and congratulations on getting featured I always felt that this story deserved more attention.
605533
I got featured?
*looks at banner for featured stories*
HOLY SHIT! I GOT FEATURED!
SWEET!
Oh man, I have the feeling I'm about to get bombarded with notifications...
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Hello once again, Amppi! The opening scene was kind of bland because, well, how exciting can you make looking for a jacket be? Haha. At least it's a short time until he finds it in Sweetie's room.
Writing Fluttershy's bits have been the most difficult thing for me to do properly, because I really want the reader to care about her and feel that she's an acceptable part of the story, so everything she says or does usually goes through at least one re-write. If she's coming across as sweet and realistic, then I'm very happy with that.
Thanks as always, my friend
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Thanks! We'll see what comes from this, I'm very excited to be featured.
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No problem. I just noticed the feature thing myself. Congrats, dude! I remember when it was just me and a couple of others following you. It's been fun being here from the start, giving you advice on your way. You've come far. So, yeah. Conglaturations.
Nice chapter. Story just continues to get better and better
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Thanks, it feels good
Congrats on being featured, you've definitely earned it. I'm just sad things are about to go wrong
Well, at least the rhinestones didn't spell out Disco Stu.
i kinda want another Eric Clapton song or another rock ballad in this fic
Another great chapter and it's great to change it up a little and not include the central antagonist in every chapter. I also enjoy the details you put into the cabin resort and the owners as well.
peace out.
Fun, sweet chapter. Good stuff, Dref. I don't know what featured means exactly, but I can guess. Congratulations!
Is it bad that I'm waiting for something terrible to happen in the relationship? There's been a never-ending supply of happy, and I can't help but think something is going to go wrong.
Rarity seems to overshadow Fluttershy, sometimes. But then again, everything overshadows Fluttershy. Feels like getting to know her better in general would help a lot towards accepting her in the story. Maybe I'm the only one who has a problem with that, though.
I stopped playing Diablo to read this. Just thought you ought to know.
I leave for a day and ALL of my favorite stories update
I'm a little surprised that Rarity has not gloated over Cashmere that she did provide the bride's dress to a royal wedding. I would think that incident would help her business better than anything.
What a great chapter! Well done, my man. The relationship between "me" and Rarity, justs seems to be getting even better, and Fluttershy is developing VERY nicely. In short, ME GUSTA.
I love this chapter it was amazing! but i think i died a little when it ended haha. i would read this forever if i could!
I have never used the MOAR cannon on this website before, but you are making it increasingly difficult for me to maintain that
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I think you'll enjoy it, provided you have a good 8 hours to read through it all
IT SMELLS LIKE WINE.
I laughed out loud at this point.
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I don't think you have to worry about Fluttershy as much as you think you do. She comes across as very sweet and hopeful, if a bit nervous — in other words, well-characterised. I do think that her "I love you" to our protag seemed a bit sudden, but I suppose one of the disadvantages of second-person narration is that you don't get the same insight into other character's thoughts as in a third-person story, where that sentiment might flow a little better.
And now that I've actually read some of the above comments I can assure 606322 that they're not the only one to feel Rarity overshadows Fluttershy a bit.
It's very nice to see a second-person fic that's both well-written and not just clop — while I love TAW's stuff, the slow relationship building throughout this story has been quite enthralling. FEED ME MOAR.
Apart from Choose Your Own Adventure books, I hate it whenever writing uses the second person, and it's normally something I simply cannot overlook. Congratulations you're the first person to cause me to make an exception to this rule! To be sure, I still detest the 2nd person perspective but you've convinced me to look past this. Hopefully that gives you at least some indication of what I think of this!
When I first came across this, I'll admit to being very skeptical that it could actually be pulled off, only to find it was surprisingly well-written with some very genuine emotional moments, as well as good development of the characters and relationships. When you introduced Fluttershy into the equation in chapter 5, again, I was skeptical but you've managed to make it work so far without destroying the story and turning it into the sort of inane wish-fulfillment nonsense that is far too prevalent out there.
I typically prefer my stories in linear sequence for the most part, but the flashbacks have been executed reasonably well so far, I think.
Really the only weaknesses in the story that bother me are the fact that the protagonist goes unnamed (obviously due to the 2nd person) when it already imparts a multitude of characteristics that don't apply to me (rendering the 2nd person pointless and distracting), and the pretty much non-stop use of babe/baby as a term of endearment towards Rarity by the protagonist.
Overall, this could have been executed so badly, but thus far you've managed to pull it off very well. Keep up the good work!
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Thanks for the kind words, Abstract. I'm very glad you've enjoyed the story.
I'm usually not a fan of 2nd person either, but for this type of story I think it fits well. I only considered it in the first place after reading a few 'adult' fics here and there. A lot of them weren't written very well, but there were a couple that made the 2nd person narrative feel compelling. Thus, I figured I would give it a shot and see how it turned out. Guess I've been handling it pretty well, which is a huge relief.
As for the protagonist going unnamed but still having personality, that was a decision I made a long time ago. I realize it may turn some people off to varying degrees, but when you're writing a second person story it really feels like the vast majority of them are too empty. Yeah, you can have a second person narrative where the protagonist is a completely hollow shell that never speaks or introduces his own experiences in a way that impacts the story, but I think that's boring and doesn't make for good storytelling. Ultimately it's still 'your' relationship in the story, but more of a specific you. If that makes any sense. Trying to get a good story across without any sort of identifying details would feel pointless, in my opinion.
Oh, and about the pet names...I do try to keep their usage to a minimum, at least by the protagonist, but I'm probably biased toward their usage. After all, the protagonist and Rarity are in a long-term relationship. Pet names like that are extremely commonplace for real-life couples; I can attest to that personally. I've always thought that using those terms of endearment would add another layer of realism and sincerity to the story, so they're likely not going to disappear entirely.
That, and since I'm going out of my way to not give the protagonist a name, Rarity has to use pet names exclusively. It's a good thing she's so fond of the word 'darling', huh?
Thanks again, there's more to come
Delicious! The worldbuilding and descriptions and characterization are absolutely perfect.
Oh the image of Rarity worrying about her weight bought back flashbacks of Preggity, which was not good!
But what we need next is some light, romantic clop.
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That's because I ripped it directly from Fallout 3
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Don't worry, she's not gonna go pear-shaped any time soon! I, too, did not enjoy that story once it delved into the bizarre fetishes. There will be no fat, food-stuffing, pissing Rarity in my story, I guarantee you that.
Rarity is far too much of a proper lady to allow such a thing to happen anyway.
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I might go in and change it, now that I look at it. I thought it went without saying that New York and Manhattan are one-in-the-same, but I can see how it could be confusing.
Okay, after several a few days of reading and a few comments every few chapters, I finally finished it up to this point so here is a much more in depth
review:
For starters, I'd like to say the whole concept you've used here feels pretty natural due to the fact that you've obviously accepted that you can't be vague enough to fit most people while making the story meaningful and that proverbial leap of faith has really paid off. At risk of making the story sound weird and possibly facing rejection because of such, you have fleshed out a fully formed main character, in second person, that has his own quirks, values, and personality while placing the reader directly in his shoes with a passionate and complex relationship with a second person view-point. Thankfully it only served to deepen the perspective by allowing the reader to pretend that they are actually in this position. I'd like to see more skilled depth writers with the gall to try this.
What's more, you have shown a knack for developing characters through regular story telling as well as subtle, one-line actions that give away little hints and bring a touch of realism. No one goes through the day only doing things related to the situation at hand due to these little momentary character quirks acting up and the importance of these little flashes of their personal demeanor was not lost on me.
The story itself is progressing nicely and is give even more immersion simply with it not being the only thing that's going on. Instead of everything being all about the betrayal and drama, you manged to make that very crucial piece only a small yet important part an actual LIFE. The detail and scope of everything playing out naturally into each other showing that you actually take the reactions of everyone involved into account, while in between it all you place little, near meaningless jokes that give us some joy between the long, yet compelling plot line sections. You've also picked themes that will last a while backed by your fleshed out characters such as a bitter ex almost-more-than-a-friend returning to ponyville to expand her franchise or a troubled best friend needing some encouragement and a bit of polygamy love. (I've never actually seen a love triangle happen before where all three are completely aware and agreeing with the shared relationship much less having seen it done so well!)
The more technical areas were very well done with few spelling or grammar mistakes being present to mess up the story. I prereader or two wouldn't hurt to go of it and double check a few things but it was definitely not a hindrance in this case.
Thankfully I managed to put all that together without tossing out very many spoilers and the ones I did put out does no justice to actually reading them so if you're reading this just to see if the story is worth your time, I would just like to say I personally recommend it! It may not be as philosophically deep or action-y as Eternal but I would say it beat Eternal in character development and originality. (sorry device heretic, no hard feelings?)
Little side note: I'm perfectly happy with everything so far in the story but I was wondering if you where planning on adding a little involvement with the rest of the main six later on, so far it seems to be passing meetings at best and I've noticed that Twilight has barely made any appearances recently both chapter-wise and story-wise.
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Wow, thanks for taking the time to go through all that, Total! You must have been reading the hell out of this story lately, what with all the comments you've been leaving. That's pretty awesome.
Trying to create a 2nd person character that feels distinct and personal, while still being empty enough of a template for the reader to fill in the spaces, has been pretty damn challenging. I'm glad that it's working!
Speaking of characters, characterization has always been a huge part of what I write. This story started out as a clopfic with a (hopefully) interesting side-story, but as I continued to write I found myself focusing less on the clop and more on the story. I'm 12 chapters in and over 150k words...who woulda thought? I realized pretty quickly that I was enjoying writing about these characters, especially ones like Cashmere and Pipe, because they let me explore life outside of the bedroom. I mean, hell, Equestria is a big place; containing the story to one small area would feel like wasted opportunity.
To answer your question: It's possible, but unlikely. While I may involve Twilight a bit, since she's really the only other one the Protagonist knows to any real degree, it'll primarily be focused on Rarity and Fluttershy. While the protagonist knows Rarity's friends, he's not particularly close to some of them. One thing I wanted to avoid with this story was "the protagonist is bestest best friends with all of the mane six", because that always annoys me to read. It's reasonable that he knows them, since they're all close friends, but besides some occasional interactions they're mostly "friends of Rarity's".
Think of it this way: You know your girlfriend, of course, and you know her friends through her...but do you consider all of them to be your 'best friends'? Probably not. Same deal here.
But yeah, thanks for the review. It's much appreciated. I'd cover each point more in-depth, but I'd end up repeating myself from older comments, so I'll avoid doing that.
never got to comment till now but damn man this might be my favorite chapter because of the back and forth between cab and ruby. for real your oc's are so good they feel very natural and not forced like in a lot of fics idk how you do it. Fluttershy seems more brave or confident then I'm used to maybe it's the situation shes in bringing her out of her shell or I'm just over thinking it.
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To be honest, it's not so much of a blank template as much as it is an agreeable one. I believe I've commented earlier that I'm personal quite different as far as my behavior and mannerisms go. I doubt this guy looked up quantum physics when he got bored with his math homework in 9th grade.
*erased unnecessarily blatant tale that basically served no other purpose than an ego boost, sorry about that!*
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True, I suppose it is more of a "you are this person" than "this person is you". I've never read a fic in this style that took the same approach, so it's pretty neat that it's working.
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indeed, neither have I, that's why I believe it was, in fact, a well rewarded risk. If I ever get around to finishing some of my stories then I might try playing around with that view point myself, of course I'd be pointing your story for the style inspiration. You do deserve it!
DAMN IT! When do we get that threesome!?!
I NEEEEEED a threesome with rarity and fluttershy! Hot, steamy, sexy and all around dirty and kinky. Whips, chains, rope, tight leather the works!
Wow wait a second this Is a clopfic.... And it's posted on SFG...... Wait my eyes are deceiving me..... Nope there not... it's a clopfic and it is present on SFG.... Well then I know SFG are definitely Hippocrates as they recently forced another writer to remove a clopfic very much like this one hmm I wonder why?
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Also, please remember, while this group does allow stories describing sex, it is not solely dedicated to clopfics
That's from the SFG main page. Similarly, this story, while it does describe sex, is not what I would describe as a full-fledged clopfic. The clop is present, but it is secondary to the main story, and the sex scenes that do go down are not described with vulgar, porn-site language like you'll find on a lot of clopfics.
Thus, I don't see a problem.
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You said it was very similar...very similar how, exactly? Because if the story in question was more vulgar than mine, or if it was a case of "clop first, story second", then I can see it being removed.
625995 SFG is a group that likes love stories. As adults, we all know that love does involve sex. We also know that sex does not always involve love. As an SFG member once described, the group is dedicated to emotion porn (not the literal definition of the word, either.). Meaning that the thrill of the style is delivered in the emotions of the piece, not the physical acts that take place during the story.
IMHO, (as a reader who has enjoyed most, if not all of the SFG work. And as a writer, who only plans to write in the SFG style.) sex in a love story is only for the purpose of solidifying or expanding the state of mind of the characters. Not for the cheap thrill of seeing how many times you can use barbaric words to describe sex.
Really? Let's say that you walk into work and put up a Playboy calendar. Your boss (the owner of said business) tells you to take it down. Do you get mad? Of course not, it's his business, you can comply with his rules or clop off. It's no different with this site, or any group within it. If a Mod of either decides that what you do is not within the applicable interests, it gets taken down.
That's enough ranting for one night.
Dref,
I really liked this chapter, and I continue to like the world you are building. You have definite skill when it comes to writing deep characters. Even in small, supporting rolls.
Keep it up.
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I may or may not have left it that way for just such a reason
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Spike is busy acting as a lightning rod on top of Twilight's library.
Love this story personally I live that you have it designed where you can imagine yourself in it instead of some pre described person.
This Fluttershy/Rarity threesome tease needs to happen soon...
I reckon Fluttershy was with that unicorn mare.
650495 somehow not surprised... lord that dragon needs a lady to save... and I can think of three bundles of joy that could help.
Want to read more... (but it's after midnight).... but ... read more... (but work in the morning)... but... read... MORE! ( @_@ )
5699887 Same here, yo!