Luna teasing Thomas is sweet and funny.

6069641 Appreciated

Ya needa work on your Luna.

says that if we work thou too hard

*if we work thee too hard*
"Thou" is to "I" as "Thee" is to "Me"

thine royal duties to serve thine Princess?

*thy royal duties to serve thy princess*
Only use "thine" as a 2nd person singular for "mine" or if the noun after it starts with a vowel. The thing is mine, the thing is thine. It is my thing; it is thy thing. The thing is mine own; the thing is thine own. (This smooths out the transition between words, the same way we use 'a' and 'an'.

Would thou prefer consort?

Wouldst thou prefer royal consort?
Everything in the 2nd person singular is conjugated with -st at the end-- with a few exceptions.

And we love the way you love

And we love the way thou lov'st [or thou lovest]
Might as well be consistent.

Thou hast said that thee has received

Thou hast said that thou hast

And thou did not find this suspicious?

And thou did'st

upon thine lips. Could it be that thine lips have wandered

upon thy lips // that thy lips

Thou are not our slave

*art

thineself to the attentions of a single pony. On that, you can trust

thyself // thou canst trust

So, on thine day off,

thy day off

it is as thou said earlier, my little human. Thou art to begin thine first day of life in Canterlot away from our side.

'tis as thou saidst earler // to begin thy first day

We want ye fully recharged when thou returns

We want thee fully recharged then thou returnest

I took a language class or two, then my English teacher taught us the mechanics of Shakespeare

Ermegerd erm serch er nerd!

6070891 Holy crap. Thank you so much. When I say I love constructive criticism, this right here is what I want to see. I know I have room for improvement and I really appreciate those who point out flaws like this. Since this is a new form of grammar, I might not learn it all at once, so I'd appreciate if you could be patient with me in future chapters.

Question: Is this story suppose to be in first-person or third-person?

6072834 It's supposed to be third, but it seems to want to keep slipping into first. I'd be grateful if you pointed out any issues.

Humans don't work that way to be honest. Thomas might just stick with Luna even if she wants him to go with so many other mares.

6077194 You're jumping ahead a little. All Luna did was tell him to go make a life that doesn't involve here, aka "make some friends." What you describe will be a point of conflict, but not for many chapters to come.
Also, some polygamous marriages work out just fine in the real world. But this isn't the real world. It's a land of talking candy colored magical horse people... who are naked. Such an environment calls for a bit of suspension of disbelief.

6078819 Appreciated

Another awesomeand funny read can't wait to see whats nexy .If was me would be little sad to be away from her.

try not to do anything too extraneous

I think the work you ard looking for is "strenuous." Extraneous means extra or unnecessary.

6200264 Just as Planned

(Just in case you don't know what I mean, Luna doesn't wan't him to do anything extra than making a family.{Author, I'm srry if I'm wrong})

6077547
You lie! This whole story lies! Up to this point there only been one naked horse person and she promptly put on clothing before the chapter was done!

I hope you deliver on the naked horse people in the coming chapters or I will be very cross with you mister, or miss, author!

Seriously though, fun story so far. Onto the next chapter!

7362508 No. It's right. I just forgot the italics

“Ah,” Thomas nodded understandingly. This is one of those cases where I’d best just smile and nod. Any explanation on why fan-mares were worse than assassins would probably just end up being more confusing.

That poor poor fool he has no idea.

10897885
No, it seems like he's sufficiently thought things out.