There was a silence shattering bang as the door to Twilight’s bedroom slammed open and the purple alicorn stormed out in a huff. This surprised one Princess of the Sun who was only casually walking by at the time and was in no way waiting outside with a bottle of alcohol in hopes of casually getting Twilight drunk enough to engage in casual sex. After the disaster of trying to kill Chrysalis via sodium poisoning a week ago, Celestia thought a different set of tactics was in order.
However, before Celestia could compose herself again and broach the topic of casual intoxication, Chrysalis followed Twilight out the door, dashing her hopes.
“Come on, Twily, you’re overreacting,” Chrysalis said, either ignoring or not seeing Celestia.
Twilight rounded on the changeling. “You called me fat!” she shouted, apparently not noticing Celestia either.
The Solar Goddess gently placed the bottle of forget-me-in-the-morning on the ground and teleported a bucket of popcorn to herself.
“I did not call you fat,” Chrysalis replied. “All I said was that you should think about going on a diet.”
“Which implies I need to go on a diet. Ergo, you called me fat!” Twilight spun on her hooves and began storming away again.
Chrysalis groaned in frustration. “You eat like twenty hayburgers a day!” she called after Twilight. “How many ponies are you feeding?”
Twilight stopped and half turned to look at Chrysalis. She held up one of her wings, all but the largest feather in the middle extended. The wing the dropped back to her side as she found a door and exited through it.
Chrysalis let out an exasperated sigh, not noticing Celestia come up beside her.
“She’s so damn emotional lately,” Chrysalis grumbled.
“Bad mood for a while?” Celestia asked casually.
The changeling barely glanced at the white alicorn before shaking her head. “No, but she’s been a regular rollercoaster of emotion lately. She’s all happy and sunshine one moment and then trying to strangle you the next.” Chrysalis glanced at Celestia again. “I don’t suppose you and your infinite wisdom know anything about that?”
Celestia scoffed and waved a hoof. “Please, you should have seen this one mare I was with. One minute she’s happy and bubbly, the next she’s trying to murder me and plunge Equestria into eternal night.” Celestia’s laugh was cut short once she realized what she had said. She coughed nervously, quite aware of the look Chrysalis was giving her.
“Are you saying you and Luna fu-?”
“Forget-me potion!” Celestia shouted, smashing her bottle of casual friendship over Chrysalis’ head.
The bottle shattered and Chrysalis dropped to the floor, liquid soaking her. Celestia glanced around to make sure nopony witnessed what had just happened and began quietly dragging Chrysalis’ unconscious form away.
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I think I know exactly how many ponies Twilight's eating for.
Still just as funny.
Aw, and Celly was finally starting to make progress on her issues. I mean, trying to get Twily drunk to have sex with her isn't very good behavior, but it's still a step away from being a "murder the hypotenuse" yandere. Plus, Luna isn't a casualty this time!
Seriously though, one of those girls should invite Celestia to a threesome, or start some polyamory. Maybe Chrysalis could use it as a making-up gift for the diet thing? Celestia wouldn't have Twilight all to herself but it might still get her to cool off a bit.
Also, shouldn't this be part 4? I know the prompt where they visited Shining and Cadance didn't have Celestia in it, but it seemed to be in this timeline and had the first of Twilight's mood swings.
Hilarious!
4992410 I thought it was funny she had to say the attack when she smashed it over her head.
This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, more please!
4992487 I disagree on drug-based rape being better being better than comically improbable murder attempts.
4992487 I wrote that chapter because I wanted to use the phrases "But we used a condom!" and "My nips!"
It's non-cannon for this continuity.
4993013 How is that drug-based rape? The first paragraph states that it's a bottle of alcohol. Drunken sex is pretty normal, and while there are sometimes problems (usually in college with careless drinking) it isn't normally considered drugged rape. Unless Celestia spiked it with something, but the only thing I can see that might imply that is the way Celestia refers to it as a "forget-me potion", which I think is a reference to how people sometimes can't remember what they did last night through their hangover.
4993222 1) Alcohol is used as a date-rape drug. If you get someone drunk so they'll have sex with you, that is very much a drug-assisted rape.
2) "Forget-me-in-the-morning" totally sounds like another popular date rape drug, one of it's main attributes is causing amnesia.
I need to remember to use that line sometime...
4993305 Usually when people talk about alcohol that way they mean giving it to people without their knowledge, sometimes they extend it to taking advantage of people who consented to getting drunk but are so drunk they're basically unconscious.
4993013 So is attempted rape somehow worse than attempted murder?
Ha! I love this... story line? Whatever to call it.
Also, det casually insinuated Princest.
4994160 If you look closely at the end there, she does take them off and it's implied she's let to walk around... after hijinks.
4993222
4993305
4993622 It's just a bottle of alcohol. It's also known as friendship lubricant.
4993720 This is like the third time I've sparked a debate with comedy writing. I should be a politician.
4993403 I'll require details when you do.
4994499 I suppose the point I was trying to make is that getting drunk with friends, even if it's not for the best of reasons, can still be fairly innocent. Although, when you use strange metaphors and pet names like 'friendship lubricant' it does sound... dirty.
On a side note, I now have a mental image of Twilight going to Celestia and embarrassedly asking for dating advice, and then Tia making the face on your profile pic and offering her a bottle of friendship lubricant.
Not sure if want, but it's far from the most disturbing image I've seen of Celestia (or Molestia), so thanks I guess.
4994587
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrdio2UaYJ1qidxg0.jpg
Fucking Magnificent!
Seriously, that is what this is! And that is all.
Oh wow, poor Chrysalis, and poor Celestia too. Her psychosis is intensifying Or maybe she was always this bad and her control over it is slipping.
Eating for more than herself, hmmm? Now that sounds suggestive... Err... I could probably have worded that better, but fuck it.
I know I'm not the first to say this, but the visual for this:
literally had me crying in an instant. I got my damn shirt wet.
This should be a meme
I going to yell that next time I have to knock somebody out