To say that Spitfire has had a rough life would be putting it mildly. She has always been unsure of herself and isn't the most sociable pony in the world. So after it feels like everything has gone crashing down for her, she takes a long walk, but when she finds objects that fire off different memories of her life, it's only downhill from there. However, can hope appear in the most unexpected of places and help her?
Trigger Warning: Attempted Suicide
Special thanks to the following people for offering to look over my story and catch my mistakes (in no particular order): DemonBrightSpirit, Ghost_Dust.
Thanks to those who gave me advice on how to improve this story (and my writing in general): arcum42, Frostfur, PiercingSight, RaylanKrios, wYvern
I loved this!
But why weren't they able to eat at the Equestrian Games?
4689807 Food shortage, as far as everyone knew. It's mentioned in the story.
4689813
4689923 Point of view. She's suspicious, but her claims don't have any grounding aside from feelings. I'll edit it for you to make it clearer. Sorry for the confusion.
4689928
No it's okay, just my curiosity getting the best of me.
Great story, although you should get a proofreader to look over your English. You have some tense errors.
4690038 Darn. Another thing I need to practice, I guess. Do you have any links or advice so I can improve my tense?
Nice teeth.
Wow... I haven't really thought about Spitfire that way before. I always enjoy seeing stories where characters go through inner turmoil, whether they succeed against if or not. They are (often times) fascinating reads that make me look at characters a little differently, and this one was, for the most part, no different. However, Spitfire's story does have one major issue in my eyes: the transitions were a bit too frequent, at least for my taste. While I would have prefered to see the stories be a bit more fleshed out, and have there be a bit more space between flashbacks, I will say that the stories are all interesting, albeit brief. Oh well, it's still enjoyable, and it's a nice character analysis, even though the pacing does seem a bit odd at points (though again, that's probably just me.) Final score: 8/10 (Very good
) Despite some odd pacing, Falling Down is a nice read that gives some interesting ideas about Spitfire's inner workings. Manaphy, you've clearly been taking the advice from those questions you've been asking to heart, and I think you'll be an incredible writer someday soon. Keep improving. Cheers 
4693810 Thanks for the critique. I was a bit concerned with pacing myself, but I'll be extra careful for next time. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I love reading backstories, and this was no exception. I feel like you really cleared Spitfire's name with the events of Rainbow Falls, and explained anything open to question. Great job.
4694871 Thank you!
This story is well-constructed and plays with the emotions wonderfully, but there is something that I've noticed; the writing was a bit too blunt with points of the story. Some of the emotions Spitfire conveyed could have been built-up better like when she faced her memory of barely winning against Ponyville or saving Rarity. I would have liked to seen some more demonstration of her feelings over parroting out bare feelings through narration.
Overall, it's a great story, but I would have liked to feel like I was Spitfire in these situations.
4695009 I see. Thanks for taking the time to look over it. Any tips to flesh those scenes out?
4695053
I would recommend going for a more visceral approach on the anxiety and nervous aspects; i.e. muscles clenching, stomach tying in knots and heavy breathing. For the ones where she falls into sadness or becomes relieved, I recommend metaphoric expressions such as 'her emotions plunged into a deep abyss they cannot escape out of' and 'invisible weights were lifted off of her soul'. It gives the story much more personality, which is probably your intentions.
I hoped I helped with this
4695084 That does help. That's one of those things that I know I need to work on, but once I become more experienced, I'll be able to use more colorful sentences in an appropriate manner. Anyways, thank you very much for looking it over, and I'll write more so that I can be better at it.
4695092
We rookies have to stick together you know? I'm always willing to help someone in need, and I believe that honest, constructive criticism helps to develop a writer.
I'll read this later.
There needs to be a lot more here. How about something like this:
Only that didn't happen. Spitfire caught a still screaming Rarity and lifted her up to the top of the cliff. A filly with a curly mane looked on with a face of awe and stepped back as Spitfire gently placed Rarity back to the flat earth she stood on. A shaking Rarity turned towards the mare that just saved her life.
"T-thank y—" Rarity looked at her savior and gasped. "Y-you saved me?"
"Y-yes," said Spitfire, her face putting her anxiety on display.
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to end it all."
Rarity gasped. She got off of the ground and placed her hooves on Spitfire's shoulders as she glared at her. " But why? You are amazing! You just saved my life! Don't you ever think that! Too many ponies adore what you've done. And you still have so much more to give to this world!"
"But I don't have a place in the world."
"That's not true darling! I've read the newspapers, and you're saving so many lives. So what if we make mistakes down the line. We just keep on going, even if life treats us like dirt. I learned that. My little sister has learned that. I pass my words on to you."
Spitfire knew Rarity was right, just as everyone else who commented on her feelings were right before. "Y-you're, um, you're right." But she then shook her head.
"I'm sorry, but I have had quite enough of being treated like dirt!" Spitfire took a step towards the edge of the cliff.
"Fine! Kill yourself if you want, but are you really going to do that in front of a filly?!" Rarity yelled as she pointed towards her shaking sister. Spitfire looked at the filly. She was so full of life and potential, unlike herself. She took another step forward. It was time for Sweetie Bell to speak.
"If you think no one cares about you, you're wrong. You just saved my sister! If it weren't for you, she would dead. I think you're the most import mare in the world now!" Sweetie Bell then extended a hoof. "You did us a favor, now its time for us to do you one." Spitfire looked at the filly's extended hoof. She then looked over to the cliff. She could either end it, or live on. She looked back at the filly. She could see that she was holding back tears. Was she really that cruel? To kill herself in front of such a young filly? She sighed and took Sweetie Bell's hoof. they then walked far away from the edge of the cliff. She even smiled at the youngster. Rarity now spoke.
"You've come around, darling?"
You can edit the rest.
(I may have made a few mistakes
)
4741815 That's a good start. I'll work with something like that. Thank you for the advice. I'll make a good Spitfire fic one day, it'll just take some time.
4741815 I applied your suggestion, and the ending reads much better. Thank you very much!
4742438 Its good but I still think It needs more drama. Maybe add a moment where she nearly jumps off? That will keep your readers on the edge of their seats and make it less bland.
There we go! One more thing:
Do something like this: "That you do have a place in this world? Yes, that's what I'm saying, dear." Spitfire nodded. She then looked at the two unicorns before her. She then walked up to Rarity and saluted her.
"Thank you Rarity. Not only did I save your life today, you also helped to save mine. I cannot thank you enough." She then looked over to Sweetie Bell. She did the same thing she did to Rarity.
"And I thank you, Sweetie Bell, for knocking some sense in to me," She then extended a hoof. Sweetie Bell took it and shook it once before returning her hoof to its original position.
It makes more sense.
4742467 Yeah. That would help. However, now that I think about it, I'm probably going to rewrite the whole thing from scratch later on. I just need to know whether to keep it as this story, or make it something else entirely.
4742524 You should keep it. And you would be breaking one of the rules if you did that.
4742519 Thanks. Say, since you seem to be really good at dialogue, much better than I am at any rate, do you mind if I ask you to proofread some of my works from time to time?
4742531 Sure!
4742530 Just wanted to make sure, since the transitions to the flashbacks are all, well, terrible. Thanks for clarifying.
4742536 ok. And I'm usually on from 4:00 pm to 3:00 am on week days. On weekends its 12:00 pm to 3:00 am.
Did some tweaks to the dialogue. It's definitely better, but I'll still work on improving it.
Edit 1: Added a few suggestions to the narration.
4742802 I like what you did. The story flows much better now.
4742802 And for the dialogue, speak it out loud to yourself and see if it sounds like something you would say.
4746264 Thanks. I'll still keep working on it from time to time, but I'm glad my story is getting better.
I actually never got around to doing anything
so you may want to take me off the credits (albeit I'm flying in about 12 hours so I guess I can come up with some suggestions to make myself worthy of credit then)
4746329 I thought you did. Oops.
Anyways, I'll take your name off the credits and put it back when you arrive with suggestions. Sorry about that.
4746357
Thanks, I feel bad whenever I get credit for something I didn't do
4746365 I'll check with you if you decide to help me next time. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
4746373
Correction, I feel bad if I take credit for something I didn't do
Hey there Manaphy,
I've read your story and I'd like to comment on a few things. You have very good English skills; I didn't find any misspellings, punctuation errors, etc. You also have a good grasp on when to make paragraphs, and however minor this may sound, it's worth a lot.
That being said, I'm not sorry I read your story, but I didn't particlarly enjoy it either. This has nothing to do with technicalities, but with two major things:
1. Why is Spitfire the way she is? This is the one thing you didn't explain. All the flashbacks, even the first one that's supposed to date furthest back, show us a Spitfire that is deeply damaged. Take this:
This isn't something an undamaged person says, in my opinion. This notion of being weak, being never good enough, even if all the world tells her she IS, it has to come from somewhere. Growing up in an orphanage without any adult attachment, or abusive parents, something like that. Being locked in a cupboard for a day for breaking the china, or being beaten publicly by a caretaker for having spoken out of turn... these are flashbacks that would actually explain why Spitfire's sense of self-worth is so nonexistant.
Your flashbacks are a series of successes and failures, all of which contain someone who tries to push her confidence. This makes the ending feel extremely forced, since it's nothing but the exact same thing: "I'm gonna kill myself", "No, don't do it, you're so cool!". Old hat, by then.
2. Your Spitfire doesn't feel like she's behaving congruently to me. This has to do with her constant complaining, both in dialogue and in thoughts. It all revolves around her; she's very self-centered, and despite feeling so unloved and unimportant, she somehow has the feeling that everypony around her cares enough to want to hear about her emotional troubles. Some examples:
Very honest. Too honest for someone that doesn't seem to have the slightest sense of self-worth; as far as I know people with similar issues, they talk very little about their feelings and troubles, because they feel like their emotions, like themselves, are unimportant to others.
Why is he helping me?! Are you serious?! He doesn't want to get killed by following a Leeroy Jenkins into battle, that's all there is to it! Again, very self-centered.
Yeah, I'd never expected Spitfire to confide her emotions to a nurse she's presumably never talked to before, either. I already said why this doesn't feel congruent with the rest of her character.
What truth? Oh, the truth about ponies caring about her, wanting her to be happy. The truth that she doesn't only have a team, but friends, too? Ugly truth, indeed. All her other friends don't matter, though, if Fleetfoot isn't her friend, too. Universal popularity, or nothing. Missunderstood teenager, right there.
Aaand more complaining to top it off. You also did it in the last scene:
I don't think someone who'd actually want to kill themselves would tell that. Only someone who'd do it to get some attention would. This perfectly fits with the self-centeredness I've come to expect of your Spitfire by now, but I don't think this was something you were going for in the first place.
I know you initially asked about dialogue, but I won't go into much detail on that now or I'll never get to bed, but I'd like to say one thing: Think about the characters in your story more as characters. I have a feeling that your dialogue feels a bit dry because you're using your characters as talking machines; they say the thing you need them to say to further the plot, or to trigger something in Spitfire, not because a character in their situation would actually say those things. I don't know who said it, but a quite intelligent person presumably: "Every character in a scene should want something, even if it's just a glass of water." Your characters didn't seem like they had a mission, or an agenda of their own, so there is no conversation to be had, and therefore no vivid dialogue.
Hope it helps and best wishes,
wYvern
4747391 Sorry that you didn't like it. I do wish I could make a good Spitfire fic, but that sure isn't happening. Oh well, I think I'll just consider it another failure and move on. Also, I really do need to learn how to write sad stories. It's obviously nothing I'm good at.
4747400 Hey again. Don't be sorry. I chose to read it because you asked for critique/advice, and critiquing especially your story has helped me in my understanding of things. I learn from these exercises, too, so as I said: I'm not sorry I read it.
As much as I'm a fan of working on things until they're as close to perfect as I can make them, I think cutting your losses and moving onto the next story is a good choice with this one, as fixing the points I critiqued would need pretty much a complete rewrite... not that my critique is the measure of all things, but, yeah.
I'm always reluctant to advertise my own work, but as you opened another thread on how to write sad stories, you might want to check out my story Another Day. It hasn't gotten much exposure, yet, but I've worked a whole lot to get it right, and I've just received notice that it's been accepted onto EqD, so although I'm terrible at judging the quality of my own work, it can't be all that bad. Also, if you'd choose to read it, I'd be able to answer you any questions you might have about the choices I made, a service I can't provide on other people's stories.
4750409 I'll add it to my read later list. I'll get the hang of sad stories one day. I just need some more experience.
4750409 I should mention that I did rewrite some of it after your critique, and while my story is still not a good story, I'm going to leave it alone for a while. I learned a lot about writing from your critique and from some of my subsequent edits, and while I may have a long way to go, I know that with enough practice, I can write something worthwhile. Thanks for the advice, and if I'm concerned with how my future stories are doing, I'll be sure to ask you for any tips.
4755885 I'm glad I was of help!
That, absolutely. Feel free to shoot me a message whenever you want my opinion on something.
PS: Thanks for the follow! ^^
4756130 No problem! You've definitely earned it!
This has GOT to become a movie. Especially 'cause i was a proofreader
Oh and by the way, that cover art belongs to SpaceKitty on deviant art. Your supposed to give the artists credit.
4900014 If you click the source button on the image, it takes you to the page where I found the image. It also lists the artist's name.
i.imgur.com/UdWPvei.png?1
5892912
uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/thumbs-and-ammo-10.jpg
Nice image you made.