This story is a sequel to Magic of The Lost
[Set in a dark alternate universe where Rainbow never met Scootaloo]
Rainbow Dash has a secret, a secret she had been keeping since she first started at flight camp. Now, that secret has come back to haunt her in the form of a broken and bloody orange filly, a filly she abandoned almost eight years ago. Now she is trying everything in her power to correct that mistake and be the mother Scootaloo was meant to have, but can she ever get her daughter to see her as anything but the monster who abandoned her.
New Cover Art by DeadKitty
Chapters (10)
This was a good start, i hope it extends into a good long scootafic.
"Yes, just make sure to keep quite" that's all i found while scanning it.
CB
That feel when you click on a story and they've misspelled 'secret' as 'secrete' twice in one synopsis.
Well, considering that she's supposed to be Scootaloo's mother in this, there's a case to be made that 'secretion' could be accurate... but I'm pretty sure you didn't mean it like that.
Ok... let's look at the story...
...
You misspelled 'Ponyville' as 'Ponyvile' in the very first sentence. In fact, that seems to be a common theme throughout. You consistently forget to put words in, like you do with Pinkies first few lines, or you put the wrong word in.
Why the hell are two 'colts', which is to say, two young boys, stalking around Dash as she protects Scootaloo? Why haven't they run away the moment a grown up appeared? On top of that, why would Dash have not beaten the crap out of them already, why would the others need to 'subdue' them? Then they just leave them there when they teleport? Not even taking them with them so that they could turn them into the police (which, while they're still children, is something that should be done).
The confession. How did Fluttershy know about Pinkie Promises back when they were in flight school? They hadn't met Pinkie yet, especially since Dash was still in Cloudsdale, so how did she know to ask Fluttershy to make one of those? Unless she did that after meeting Pinkie and finding out about them, but if that's the case, why did she make her do that, when she had been keeping the secret already for years?
But all of that is moot, because of the biggest problem with your entire premise. That Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty (which even if she wasn't then, had to be loyal before getting the Element in order to actually be able to wield it), abandoned her own child.
there seems to be just a few problems with the grammar and spelling, so just read through it and try to see find where some of the mistakes might be, and the begging seems a bit rushed. Also, you didn't make the mane 6 act like they would've if this happened in the show (though i doubt that would happen...). but it seems like an interesting concept and i'd like to see this continue
2678663
Thank you for the comment, I shall correct those issues and am at the moment working on improving the fic, so hopefully that will fix some issues, but this is a alternate universe, and while Rainbow may have been loyal when she met up with Twi and the others, we don't know how she was back in the day. Also about the colt thing, I realize now I should have put stallions instead of colts, though the way I saw it people seem to switch those words the same way they do mares and fillies.
2678663 dude its FICTION as in made up!! that is all
2681105 Your point?
2681105
That was a little unnecessary seeing as how I already dealt with it, but thank you all the same.
Quite interested in this story you have started. Saw the comments and they should read the title before hand? ALTERNATE universe lol. Good job, should continue!
Good, good. Keep 'em comin'!
Applerage!!!
great!
2681183 it doesnt have to make sense. it made the story interesting if you ask me
2681183 also ALTERNATE UNIVERSE its right there in the description
2686096
Thank you for the support.
2684338
Mitty Applerage!
Rarity as Luna's student, color me intrigued.
2686623 no problem i am loving this story
O_O MOAR!!!!!
if...um thats ok....
oh i am LOVING this story! everything's so delightfully twisted by lack of facts on all sides except rainbows and fluttershys.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL AS HELL!!!!! Damn cliffhangers!! XD jk i love this story so far
Sooo Hermaphrodite Spits an Rainbow. Interesting pair. Can't wait to see Scoots' reaction to Dash here.
You should try using Itallics in that letter.
It makes it look better and easier to understand.
Spitfire having male parts?
Celestia being angry?
Firefly as an abusive mom?
Damn, this got dark really fast...
2697201
yeah, but that is why it had a dark tag
AWESOME
Love it!
Hours* - On the first sentence, really -
Course* Hours*
Later*
"get a Bun in* my Oven" ?
Later* -This is a continuous Error in all chapters
You're*
----
I'm sorry i'm not a Grammar Nazi, just being a proof reader i spot minor things.
----
This was a really good chapter and the story over all, i wasn't expecting Spitfire to be a hermaphrodite, it does explain the Tag though.
keep writing!
CB
Awesome - Keep going :P
I was hoping that spits would make it into the fic eventually.
CB
2698956
Yeah I was expecting people to put two and two together before I actually got to that part, but eh no bigy on my end, and I'll get to those corrections soon.
I love the girl impregnating the girl in this. In reality hermaphrodites are infertile and even have a hard time achieving erections. This is a clever change of place. Wonder how scoots will react learning her dad is a mare. =)
2701042
well first she has to get over the fact that Rainbow is the mare who gave her up, but that's another chapter.
O/////O um... are they gonna....
yep they are >////< great chapter!!! celestia made me lose sleep :D
She's married.
2715461
yep.
I will say this is a very interesting story I like it. the end of this chapter was a nice kick to the feels
Pacing seems a little off in a couple spots and there are a few words that should be looked at (throughout all six chapters so...kinda hard to pin down without another read through). Otherwise, it's a very interesting premise and I look forward to future chapters.
(try to have one or more people re-read the chapter before publishing, authors can't catch all their mistakes)
I don't know who to feel sorry for Rainbow or Scoot? Nice job either way.
oh dear god the feels... oww they hurt... please continue this amazing story
2816239
Why not both?
2816803
I know, hurt writing it to be honest.
2821404 yeah that seems like a good place to start
You need to go through these chapters and spell check them. Where there is, "latter" should be "later" instead. Same for some lines that have "form" should be "from."
Prime example:
"I told you I don’t have time for this, I’ll talk with you all latter, right now I need to head over to the orphanage!”
Should be like this:
"I told you I don’t have time for this, I’ll talk with you all later, right now I need to head over to the orphanage!”
Applejack opened her mouth again, only for Rarity to shove her hoof in her mouth with a glare. “Oh no, we aren’t hearing anymore form you until you go and calm yourself down. Now why don’t you just head into the kitchen and cool off, I’ll talk with Twilight.”
Applejack opened her mouth again, only for Rarity to shove her hoof in her mouth with a glare. “Oh no, we aren’t hearing anymore from you until you go and calm yourself down. Now why don’t you just head into the kitchen and cool off, I’ll talk with Twilight.”
Other than the wrong words in the wrong places, I see nothing wrong with this story other than chapters are awfully short. If you can, try making a minimal mark of 2,000 words per chapter but that's my own personal gripe and the standard that other writers I've read stories from hold themselves to usually.
dude you were doing so well with spelling.
Feudra... I love your writing to tears BUT IN EVERY STORY YOU CATCH ME OFFGAURD!!! stop it. first it was teacher no more with the mortal alicorn... then the truth behind harmony with Luna and Celestia's sisters... now its this with RD being Scootaloo, my favorite cmc, mom and Spitfire being a herm!!! stop catching me off gaurd... seriously...
2902060
Hey its not my fault, blame my overly creative imagination, that thing runs itself most of the time, I just let it borrow my hands.
Must kill the dumb ass bitch know as fyrerfly
3048442
Calm down, she'll get her just deserts, just you wait.
Well meeting the grandmother will be a terrible event... but at least I think he dad is chill if I remember.