“Rainbow you need to calm dow…”
“Calm down!” yelled Rainbow, rounding on her wife with a glare. “Our baby has run off alone and she is hurt, so don’t you dare ask me to calm down!”
Spitfire didn’t flinch, grabbing her mare by the shoulder to stop her. “Dashie listen to me, you need to calm down now. I know you babe and when you get like this you can’t think strait, so just breathe deep and calm down.”
Rainbow stopped, taking a deep breath and forcing herself to calm down, realizing Spitfire was right. “Ok, but what are we going to do, we don’t know where she could be.”
“Well she had to have gone to school right, so why don’t we check…”
“Um…Misses Dash?”
Rainbow turned around to see Applebloom walking up to her, looking nervous as she approached.
“I’m sorry Applebloom I won’t be able to play with you today, I’m kind of…”
“I’m not here to play; I heard you was looking for mah friend Scootaloo?”
Rainbow’s eyes widened, “You know Scootaloo?”
Applebloom nodded, “yeah, but that’s not why ah came, ah think ah might know where she is.”
“Where?” asked Rainbow, getting closer as hope started to rekindle itself inside her.
“We have a clubhouse I know she stays in when she doesn’t want to return to the orphanage, come on I’ll show yah.”
Scootaloo cried as she laid on the makeshift bed she kept in the clubhouse, watching as the last of her Rainbow memorabilia burn away in the fire she had constructed. She still could barely believe that Rainbow Dash, her idol, was the one who had abandoned her when she was young.
Why she thought, why did she do it, why would the most dependable mare in all Equestria abandon her, her own child, it was just unthinkable.
She was broken out of her thoughts by the sound of a pony landing inside the clubhouse, but when she turned around she growled, for it was Rainbow standing behind her.
“I thought I told you to stay away!”
“And I told you I am not leaving till you have heard what I have to say.”
Scootaloo made for the door, only to be stopped as Rainbow grabbed her and held her at bay.
“Let me go!”
“No not until you heard what I had to…”
“I don’t want to hear what you got to say! Now let me go!”
“NO I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE YOU AGAIN!”
Scootaloo froze in her forelegs, her mind halting on what she had just said. She slowly looked up, noting the tears streaming down Rainbow’s face as she gazed down at her, and then she finally found the urge to speak. “Lose me again…wha…what do you…”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you Scootaloo, I didn’t abandon you…you were taken from me…”
She then let Scootaloo go, backing away as the young pegasus stared at her in disbelief. “I…I never wanted to give you up Scootaloo, you were my little foal…the one good thing I can say I did right with my life, but…”
“Who?” asked Scootaloo, still a little wary but willing to hear this time.
“What?”
“You said I was taken from you, I want to know who did it…and where the hay where you for these last eight years of my life?”
Rainbow hesitated for a moment, than nodded, sitting down before speaking to her. “It…it was my mother who took you from me Scootaloo, she…she had this vision of where I was supposed to go in life and…and she saw you as a mistake. She…she knew I wouldn’t give you up though, I…I told her as much when I told her I was pregnant with you, about how I was going to be a mother to you…so…so she waited till I was away and…and she took you away.”
Her face was running with tears as she kept talking, her voice choked with sobs as her daughter stared at her with a mixture of disbelief and horror.
“And…as for where I was these last eight years…I was looking for you Scootaloo, every day when I had the time, I would go out and look for you, but each time I couldn’t find you…till I that day in the ally…”
Rainbow then squeaked in surprise as Scootaloo tackled her, then wrapped her forelegs around her foal as she felt her begin to cry.
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”
“Shh,” said Rainbow, rubbing the back of Scootaloo’s head as she tried to calm her down. “You have nothing to be sorry for Scoots, it was my fault I couldn’t find you sooner, and I just hope you can forgive me for being gone for so long.”
“I do Rain…mom…”
With that one word Rainbow’s heart soared, and so she hugged her little girl tighter, simply holding her as they both cried their torment away.
“Ah come on, do I really have to go back to that crummy hospital?”
Rainbow laughed, holding her filly close as she flew her closer to the hospital. “Yes you do, your still injured Scoots, so it’s back to the hospital for you. Anyway I told your dad to wait for me there, so it will be a good chance for you to meet her.”
“Mom, I know dads aren’t she’s, you can at least not joke around with me.”
Rainbow laughed again, “I know you know that squirt, but in your case your dad is a mare, whom I am in very much love with and plan to introduce you to today.”
Scootaloo shot her a look, but decided to remain silent; she figured she would get the truth once they got back to the hospital. As they drew closer Scootaloo saw a mare waiting outside, and her jaw slowly began to fall open as she realized who it was. “No way, no bucking…”
“Hey, watch you language squirt.”
Down on the ground Spitfire watched as the two drew closer, barley containing the urge to just leap into the sky and fly to them so that she could embrace her foal. Eventually they landed on the ground, Rainbow placing her gently onto her back and then walking over to Spitfire.
“Hey,” said rainbow, nuzzling into her wife with affection as she nuzzled back.
Spitfire then looked up at Scootaloo, who was staring at her with slack jawed disbelief, only to squeak as Spitfire pulled her off Rainbow’s back, hugging her close as she started to cry happy tears at finally being able to hold her baby girl. After a while Rainbow joined in on the hug, and Scootaloo had to admit, for the first time in her messed up life, she felt things were finally right, and they were only going to get better from here on.
*One Day Latter: Cloudsdale*
Firefly trotted along the road on the way to her favorite news stand, bouncing a little on the clouds as she thought of the good date she had just had. She felt like a young mare again, happily dancing along the street till she made it to the stand and asking for a paper, handing over the bits and then turning to look at the front page as she leaned against the news stand.
However when she noticed the front page, her eyes shot open, and she quickly ripped open the paper and began reading, not even trying to hide the glare she shot the picture of two mares hugging a little filly.
After eight long years of searching the Element of Loyalty, a misses Rainbow Aurora Dash and her wife, the legendary leader of the Wonderbolts, Captain Spitfire, have finally been reunited with their long lost filly Scootaloo, who has been living the last eight years of her life in the Ponyville Orphanage. Local reporter Flying quill managed to get an interview with the head of the Orphanage, miss Gleaming Shores.
“Well Rainbow came by after I had just gotten the news that Scootaloo was in the hospital, and after a brief conversation I invited her inside and she told me about how she had lost Scootaloo, though she asked me to keep it a secret, but I assure you it is a very sad tale.”
As of yet reporters have not been able to get an interview with the celebrity parents nor their long lost child, having been stopped by both hospital staff and even royal guards at one point. Even the close friends of the Element of Loyalty refuse to comment on the matter, saying it was their business and that they did not want to betray their friends trust…
The article went on more, but Firefly couldn’t continue, dropping the paper into her saddle bags and running over to the nearest pay phone. She inserted the bits and quickly dialed the number of her boss, waiting impatiently till she heard the ringing stop.
“Hello?”
“Hello Sal this is Firefly.”
“Oh hey Fly, whatcha need this time?”
Firefly giggled, “Well you know all that vacation time I have saved up, well today I’m cashing in, I just got the newspaper today and saw my little girl has found her daughter.”
“Ah, so you want to go down there celebrate the good news with them?”
“Why of course, what kind of mother would I be if I did otherwise?”
That got her a laugh, “well I’ll grant it then, I know it’s been a while since you have seen your little girl, just make sure you enjoy yourself ok?”
“I will Sal, and thanks for this, I promise to talk with you when I get back, Bye.”
The minute she set down the phone her face changed, her smile vanishing to be replaced by an angry grimace. She couldn’t believe it, after all the bucking trouble she went through to get rid of that little bump in Rainbow’s road to glory, that little bundle of hell still somehow managed to make it back into her life. She quickly turned and headed straight for home, she had to pack a few things before she made her way to Ponyville. One way or another she was going to fix this, no matter what she had to do; she would not let her filly’s life be ruined again.
Must kill the dumb ass bitch know as fyrerfly
3048442
Calm down, she'll get her just deserts, just you wait.
Well meeting the grandmother will be a terrible event... but at least I think he dad is chill if I remember.
3048514
yeah the dad is cool, but more on that latter.
3048448ok I'll hold u to that
3048568
You wont need to, I already hate myself for how much this bitch is going to be in this fic anyway.
Omg I'm glad this fic is back and good chapter
3048729
Thank you, glad you liked it.
I need MORE
3049106
Calm down my son, you shall have more, I feel up to updating this fic for a while, so expect more of the Dash family
3049067
Neigh I shall not abandon this fic, I plan on keeping it going for a while, as to the confrontation with Firefly, that's only two chapters away, so expect a big mess to show up the chapter after next.
3049115 YAY
DEATH TO THE GRANDMOTHER!!!!!!!!
if you don't mind that is
I love being able to see scoot happy I agree with everyone else Grandma needs to have an unfortunate accident before she can f**k everything up.
I'm really enjoying this story so far. This could be something great, if only for a little polish. I'm a bit under the weather atm, so please don't be offended if this comes across as a bullet point list of issues. Overall there's tones of food for the imagination here and I love what you have written. I only want to see it become the masterpiece that I KNOW you can create.
1. Location. There's no way Dash would have managed to remain totally detached from Scoots if they were still within the bounds of Ponyville. The easiest thing here would be to change the locations slightly, both to reflect this and Dash's lack of luck finding the young filly. Perhaps they're in a lesser known city like 'Baltermare', maybe even as part of Twilight's coronation tour to give the idea validity. This would mean changing subsequent chapters so that this fits, but given that you can easily slip in a short paragraph about 'the journey home' after the adoption has gone through, there's not much more then exchanging the 'golden oaks library' for a royal sweet at a upmarket hotel.
2. The stallions attacking scoots. This makes little sense and is dealt with far too quickly. The easiest way to side step this issue is to replace them with animals of some kind, perhaps wild/stray dogs such as often prowl the back streets of big cities? A short rumour of 'wild dog packs attacking ponies' could quickly sate any curiosity as to their presence, and should be fairly easy to slip into the description as Rainbow first witnesses the attack. Such animals would likely not be scared off so easily too if in greater numbers, explaining why the Mare's lagging friends were necessary to subdue / chase off the pack. See, so small of a change, yet suddenly we have a much more robust reason for Dash's intervention and the subsequent fight.
3. Dash just knows its her foal? This feels a little disjointed and doesn't carry any emotional weight for the reader. Dash is the element of Loyalty and doesn't need a emotional stake in affairs to do the right thing. This leaves her open for the utterly devastating shock once the adrenalin subsides; looking down on the tiny battered body that seems so acutely familiar, the scent of her long lost foal striking against some deep seated instinct that all mares possess. Briefly her mind carries the startled mare back to that fateful night, the intense pain and following joy she last experienced when she first looked upon those magenta eyes. And now, just as Rainbow has found her little girl once more, she could be about to loose her again, her imagination running wild as little filly seems to slip away between her hooves.
4. AppleJack. Jacky just feels wrong for so much of this. Her reaction would be valid after Fluttershy's explanation finally has a chance to sink in, but not so dramatically until the drinking scene in ch3. Use the first and second chapters to build on the reader's suspense. Make AJ clearly bothered by this revelation, yet quiet and strangely sedate for the normal honest, outspoken farmer, as though unsure what she will say should she open her mouth. Build the tension in the young farmer, then bring it all to a head like a spear point, driving it into he heart of the reader as the honest Apple finally casts aside all inhibitions under the false crutch of alcohol. Give her a reason to hate what Dash has done, thow it out into the open like a slap across the face and use it to really put Dash's abandonment in perspective. "You're just as bad as them!"
That's all I can think of so far. Hope I didn't come across too harshly. If I did, it's only because the potential you show in your writing is practically bursting at the seams. If some of what I've said gets cancelled out later I'm going to feel a total dunce given I've only read to the beginning of chapter four. If you need a hand with anything (or just want me to shut up and go away ) just say the word and I'll be at your disposal.
I can't wait to see what you have coming next
Yours
Shanashie.
Edit: Just scanned through the next two chapters, couple more things to add but nothing major.
Spitfire being a herm makes little sense in the scope of things, far easier to just call it gender confusion or something along those lines. Her first night with Dash may have changed her sexual outlook, realisation dawning that she actually could find love within what she considers to be the same gender, but that doesn't change the fact that she feels as though she's in the wrong body. What's more, by this time she may have already been in the public limelight as an up and coming flyer. What's a mare to do? Drop the facard and potentially ruin the reputation she's worked so hard for, making herself utterly miserable in the process? Or simply carry on and get the surgery / spell to put her body right in private?
Celestia's reaction is good and shocking from a reader's point of view, but the way her rage is communicated doesn't stack with her known personality (though I suppose this only makes her outrage all the more surprising). I like the reversal of character between Luna and Celly, though perhaps it could be better served as the anger of a god rather than the anger of a filly wronged. Rainbow Dash, though close to her heart, is an insect compared to the Dyarch's might, and now suddenly represents everything she sees as wrong in the near perfect world she strives to create. A goddess does not need to raise her voice, when a calm word can instil more fear then the unlucky victim's very worst nightmare. Just food for thought, it can work fine as it stands though.
3055228
(Note, anyone else reading this comment, it contains spoilers for the next chapter.)
Well, that was a long read, and now here is my response.
I did not find anything in your suggestions harsh, in fact I found them very helpful, but it does make me realize I haven't been doing that good of job of world building, so I will try and help you understand how things are working in this alternate universe by through counterpoints against the points you have brought up. I am not trying to be harsh myself, I am just trying to explain to you where my brain led me to these points.
1. Location: What I never got around to explaining, and what I realize now that I should of done, is that the reason why Rainbow actually never ran into Scootaloo was because whenever she wasn't helping her friends or working, she would be out of town looking for her little girl, sometimes being gone for days or even weeks at a time. Also Scootaloo in this fic is a little more anti social then she was in the show, often either staying at the orphanage or at the clubhouse instead of hanging out with her friends. And also, despite her hero worship of Rainbow still being prevalent, the Scootaloo in this fic is very self conscious, and would actively go out of her way to make sure she wasn't seen in the state she was in by her hero.
2. The Stallions Attacking Scoots: that I admit I should probably change, cause the more I think about it the more it just doesn't fit.
3. Rainbow Knowing Scootalooo Was Her Foal: This was going to be revealed in the next chapter, but Rainbow managed to keep Scootaloo around for one whole year before her mom finally managed to get rid of her. As stated in the chapter Mother, she never wanted to give Scootaloo up, and at one point she even thought she had her mom convinced that Scootaloo wasn't going anywhere.
4. Applejack's Reaction: I honestly see nothing wrong with it, mostly because the Applejack in my head has a extreme sense of Family loyalty, and to see her best friend do something that would betray her principles I honestly think would set her off rather then smolder, I always saw Applejack as possessing a kind of brutally honest personality, no matter the situation.
5. Hermaphodite Spitfire: Again, this is another thing that was going to be revealed in latter chapters, but Spits was born the way she was and from the start, her parents taught her never to feel weird about how she was born, which aloud her to become very comfortable with herself in latter years, she basically just views it as having the best of both worlds as far as she is concerned, and she doesn't care what other ponies have to say about it.
6. Celestia's Rage: From everything I have seen with Celestia and from what I have gauged from her personality, she sees herself as nothing more then a normal pony, despite her royal station and magical power. Do to this, its not hard to assume she would have normal emotions and react the same way, if not a little more extreme then the average pony to hurtful things. When she read about Rainbow possibly abandoning her own foal it opened up a very old wound, one that she still hasn't come to grips with, so she reacted out of anger and hatred, intending to vent that anger on Rainbow till Luna showed up to stop her, because she saw her as no better then her own mother.
Few that was a lot, anyway, hope that cleared things up, and I am glad you liked the fic so far, and if you have any other questions please don't hesitate to ask them, I would be more then happy to answer.
3055207
Sadly no unfortunate accident will happen, confrontation is inevitable at this point in the story.
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On your comment spoiler thingy.
The Stallions could make sense if you go into why they did it? Was it because the CMC are the army of chaos incarnate? Or because she accidentally destroyed something of theres and they thought it'd be full of lolz to make her pay by beating out of her? Are stallions in your Storyverse just a bunch of sadistic D-bags? A little explanation can go a far way.
That plus with them in jail, opens up visiting hours. Add in a World Famous Celebrity, and a World Famous Hero. Well they could be talked into looking the other direction for 10 mins or longer, and if said Stallions were missing a few "appendages" or left with fewer body parts than they walked in with. Well things happen. Especially to child abusers in prison.
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I'm planning on writing a fic about Rarity being Luna's student, just not yet.
3057875
Hm, maybe I'll do that in another chapter, I got so much I have to cover in the next few chapters though, so it will be hard to fit it in.
3058382
That's all good. Fit it in when you get the chance. And that'll be lovely to see Luna get her special student, and Rares being with a Princess [even if it isn't a ship. It'll be adorable.]. I like what you've done so far and I can't wait to see what you do next.
3057211 I can hope
FIREFLY REEEEEE!