When Scootaloo smashes some stuff accidentally at Rainbow's house, Scootaloo reveals a secret to them, sparking off an angry Rainbow Dash.
Chapters (8)
- Member Since 15th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Oct 5th, 2012
lRainbowDashl
I'm a film director and game developer attempting to write. I have lots of learning problems, so go easy on me. Some of my stories are edited by Shadow Blaze, some aren't.
lRainbowDashl
Joined 15th Nov, 2011 ·
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I'm guessing this story sounded much better in your head. Before you even think about continuing this story, you NEED to fix your terrible grammar.
There are so many spelling, grammar and punctuation spelling mistakes in this story. I was able to get the point, but just barely.
I could help you if you wanted me to. send it to my email on my profile page, and I'll try to do some editng for u.
55312 Well then how about you explain how when i got an editor and proof reader i still got shit comments like yours even though the grammer was fixed. I am going to keep writing and if you dont want to read it then please dont but atleast have the curtosy to piss off and stop putting me down all the time.
The idea is... I can see the idea. Not sure I like the idea of Abusive Father-and-possible-rapist pony, as Scootaloos dad though.
While Rainbow is the element of Loyalty, and a little hot-headed occaisionally, but I can't see her just recklessly picking a fight with a pony like Scootaloos dad. Fluttershy also seems too assertive and sure of herself. Instead of “Rainbow can look after herself i have seen her fight before” I would have written something like "I've seen Rainbow fight... But I hope she'll be fine..." Fluttershy second guesses herself all the time. Shes cautious. Characterisation is another flaw that could easily be fixed next chapter.
Another one is the grammar. You replied rather arrogantly to another comment who was giving a critique about this, but its something you REALLY need work on. I'll just work on one of your paragraphs as an example
Yours:
“You think i’m scared of you that is just pathetic trying to intimidate me like that now its time that YOU LISTENED you lay another hoof on that girl and i will come back here and Celestia help me i will beat you so hard you wont ever be able to look up.” Said Rainbow her fury was rising so much she could just hit him but to her suprise he threw a punch with no attempt to hold back he sent her flying six metres knocking her into a fence. He walked upto her and grabbed her mane and started pulling her into a dark alleyway where he pinned her against a wall."
Slightly edited:
"You think I'm scared of you? That is just pathetic, trying to intimidate me like that. Now its time that YOU LISTENED." Rainbow growled, "You lay another hoof on Scootaloo and Celestia Help you, I will come back here and beat you so hard you won't know what happened." Rainbows anger was rising every so slowly. She could've just hit him right there and then, but to her surprise, he threw a hoof and without effort, sent her flying six metres, knocking her into a nearby fence. He walked up to her and grabbed her mane, sending pain to Rainbows head and neck. He held tight and took her to a nearby alleyway, as he pinned her against the wall."
All I've done, is take your paragraph, and fix it up a little. I know you claimed that you had a proof-reader, and an editor, but how good was it? One thing I do is write everything in Microsoft Word, before uploading. If you see "Fragment: Consider Revising" or something like that, that doesn't mean that you're right. It means that there is so much wrong, that it can't figure out what is meant to be there. Grammar is also the capitalisation of your I's, and using full stops and commas etc. as they should be.
A lot of work has gone into this, and it still needs a lot more. My advice? Fix this chapter up before you write chapter two.
55580i respect everyones opinion but i hate hearing stuff like in my first story "You should stop writing" that isnt constructive its just crap i know that his was better but "This sounded better in your head" still is crap to hear i want someone to proof and edit like you but finding someone is proving a challenge.
55590 Maybe you just started off on the wrong foot. Nobody should ever be told that they "Should stop writing." Especially if they like to do it. If you want to write, write. As my grandfather said before he passed away, "Fuck the world, because it'll screw you anyway."
Pay attention to the constructive criticism. Disregard the destructive. The "This idea was better in your head" comment is a little... off, in my opinion. But at the same time, writing for most of my life, I know that you can come up with ideas that sound AMAZING, and then when you hit pen and paper (or nowadays finger and keys) it turns to rubbish. This is why proofreading your own work is something I do before I post anything. If its complete and total rubbish, I don't post it. I start again. At the same time, Don't look at others work as "I should be this good." Look at yourself and say "I want it to be this good." Strive for it!!
I have faith that you can recover this story. Fix the problems, and hopefully it'll work out. Good luck.
"A man with a stubble obviously not shaved in a while"
“Ha ha a rainbow mane and tail ha ha you look so puny”
Please decide if they're ponies or not.
55712 Its fixed now i dont believe in croosovers so no humans in my storys.
Shame on you.
3 things:
More description
More emotion
Less grammar mistakes
I get the idea, but I'm going to stress the fact that you must work on grammar and punctuation, I'm not saying you should stop writing, just give it a little more time and work. some of the best writers take years to write stories and novels, my only other question is what word processor are you using? it seems to be missing all of the mistakes with the I being i, which is an honest mistake if your typing fast, otherwise just take a little extra time to push the shift key when you do that.
on a more interesting note, this may seem easily readable but I've actually messed up key strokes quite a bit so I've had to use my backspace to make it legible. and also key to reader understanding is sentence structure, with that almost anything is legible.
can only say keep writing, even with my chapter 1 review, this one is improved and I do quite look forward to reading. but I do stress the fact that you may want to edit it so that it is more easily readable for less inclined readers than me.
57439 Trust me next episode it will improve shits about to get serious.
Nice update, as I must ask whether or not Tank the tortise will make an appearance in this tale of yours ?
Still it was an interesting update as Rainbow Dash tries to explain to little Scootaloo the down sides of them being together as filly and foster mare.
Please do keep putting up the good work upon such a great tale like this one as I do hope there is a light at the end of this emotional tale.
58020 Maybe Tank will be the hero
i hope you find the update interesting im gonna keep posting 
55556 Whoa, no need to get hostile. I apologize if I was a little too blunt. Whenever I try to be subtle or phrase things delicately, it always seems to backfire.
If you capitalize your "I"s and add cammas where appropriate, that should be enough to silence most of your grammar critics.
I want tank to come in with his flying machine and saw him in fucking puberty and ball eating puke vagina pussy rabbit
the grammar monster just takes pratice! i know what youre going through TRUST me. And, I will be tracking this as of now.
63441Ha my editor is your old mentor Ponyman as i finished writing the last chapter you commented how weird lol.
Oh sweet celestia
63936 What?
Wow....just...wow....I didn't expect you take this storyline and give it a bit of a twist like this. I mean just...
Mind blowned moment indeed.
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great tale like this one as I cannot wait ot see what you come up within the next chapter of this storyline.
More. More! MORE!!!
adopted by
stories!
Please update very soon!
I
Very good on editing! much better than the first stories!
Focus on the Following:
Capitolization
Format
Punctuation
Run-on Sentences
e.g. your passage
“If Rainbow aborted that filly then she wont think twice about abandoning me and she said that she dosent know what she would do if she had a kid from that man” she ran out of the alleyway her head down with tears hitting the floor, and crashed straight into a purple mare who was standing over her, an aura apeared around the two of them when a bright flash occured the next thing Scootaloo knew she was standing next to rainbow who had her foreleg around Scootaloo’s waist stopping her from running.
Edited:
"If Rainbow aborted that filly, she wouldn't think twice about abandoning me. She said that she doesn't know what she would do if she had a kid from that colt." Scootaloo ran out of the alleyway, her head down, a trail of tears hitting the floor. Not looking where she was going, she ran straight into a purple mare, seeing an aura of colors around her. Before she had realized it, Rainbow was beside her, trapping Scootaloo with her foreleg so she couldn't get away.
Thanks for the help both my editors arent on right now :/
Oh FUCK shit just got REAL
Spell Check your work before you post it.
I can't stand reading stories with bad grammar. I bet this story's good too, but I can't read it. 
here's an error
“Was I that harsh?” asked Rainbow Twilight.
you should fix that. Did Rainbow Dash say it, or Twilight Sparkle?
how can a pony choke somepony when they don't have any hands? How do they get a grip?
I must admit that the story itself is looking pretty exciting so far. Looking forward to the next part. When can we expect it?
79484 Does tonight get your aproval?
79531 Indeed it does
wait whuuuut just happened?
dude good work. not going ot say anything bad. cause my first story not exactly the best grammer
80771 What do you mean?
81542 I think he means the story doesn't flow as well as it should.
There's still way too many punctuation and capitolization issues that take away from the real meaning of the story. And there's no real description: just action. TOO MUCH action (as in an action/description ratio).
I agree there is to much action there needs to be more description.
Nice story, looking forward for more... if your still doing it >.>, also I guess you could do a bit more on putting more description in it... I like your story a lot, really good action
Also, damn Scootaloo's dad 
how dare he try and kill Rainbow Dash 
So any idea of when the next chapter is done?
137894 You want more? i thought it sucked?
138455
Well getting this far it would be good to know how it ends. Sure it might not have been the best story I've ever read, but I feel like I care about RD and Scootaloo at this point (I've always cared for them but I mean story wise). I can tell it's close to the end too. If it isn't you can easily turn it in that direction. They just need a way to get rid of Brutus, and help RD recover from her injuries, pre and post teleportation and then a good finish to it.
It's just that you kind of left it on a cliffhanger. So if you want to finish it, I'd like to see what happens. If you don't, well then I can understand you because writing this stuff can be HARD.
why in the world is a lazy ass pony wearing pants?
I liked the first chapter.
I think you are portraying the characters very well so far. Hope you continue this story.
Well didn't see that coming.
Damn you got RD pregnant! WTF? Oh Celestia I hope they know what an abortion is in Equestria.
Well I like the development in the story and that the rape baby is gone. This story is so good but that guy really needs to fucking die.
138455 Oh celestia please finish this story. It so does not suck and I'm enjoying it so much. Well I am into the story so to say not so much into Rainbow and Scootaloo repeatidly being hurt and abused but ya. Finish the story, you have come this far with it, and it would be a real loss to not finish this.
ya