• Member Since 12th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Jan 24th, 2019

Manaphy


E

Sweetie Belle wonders if she can learn more about magic. It's a curiosity which has gripped her for some time, especially with how mysterious the subject is. Spending some time with Twilight Sparkle helps answer some questions, but she rarely has the time to teach Sweetie about the advanced spells which captivate her.

However, she soon gets an unexpected visitor in the form of Sunset Shimmer, who's willing to tutor Sweetie in the art of magic. It sounds like the perfect recipe for understanding magic, but Sweetie can only guess what kinds of challenges await her. And while Sunset is ecstatic to teach somepony, there's much more to her visit than just tutoring Sweetie.


Thanks to Verbose Mode for the amazing cover image.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 158 )
Wanderer D
Moderator

Yep! I like it! I need more!

6616059 I'm glad you enjoy the story so far. I'll definitely work on it when I can. :twilightsmile:

I'm pretty hyped for the rest of this.

6616108 Awesome! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far and thank you for reading the story. :pinkiesmile:

The cover image caught my eye, the description caught my interest, and the single chapter leaves me wanting more. Good job.

Also, assuming you did it yourself, good job on editing. I didn't spot any errors while reading.

6616186 Thank you for reading the story. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far, and I'll definitely continue working on it. :pinkiesmile:

Ok, that was pretty good, but the grammar nazi in me is screaming about a couple mistakes I saw. I'm beating that side of me down with a stick right now, because it was a very clever idea, as well as an excellent start. Keep going!

6616212 Ah. I'll definitely give the first chapter another look over to catch some of those pesky mistakes that slipped past. Anyway, thanks for reading the first chapter. I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

6616214
Not a problem, I'm always looking for new reading material :twilightsmile:

OK, I'm confused. Did Sunset decide to leave the human world permanently? 'Cause, y'know, she brought her book, and without the book on the human's side of the portal, they can no longer open the portal whenever they want. That is the only thing that bugged me about this, everything else was great.

6616903 Understandable. However, I do have plans regarding the portal, the book, and how they work in terms of the story. Obviously, I can't reveal everything yet, but that will be mentioned later on in the story and play a role. Anyway, thank you for reading the story and for the comment. I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

6617180
And thank you for that vague, non-spoilery explanation that makes me no longer bugged by the thing with the portal.:pinkiehappy:

Oh my goodness! Sunset's gonna have Sweetie Belle as a student? I'm dying from cuteness! :yay:

6617487 Yep! Thank you for reading the story. I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

You got that upset over three dislikes? Oh well, everyone's different.

I think your story turned out really well. My only complain would be, that the first third was more exposition through the narrator instead of explaining things through thoughts/dialogue. But I'm only a mediocre writer, so it's possible more of a personal taste than a real writing tip. :rainbowlaugh:

What I really liked is the way you wrote the characters. Sweetie Bell was really cute and I liked the way Sunset was introduced into the story. It's definitely something I'll follow.

Overall: It's a good story. I'd like if you continue it/don't delete it again. :fluttershyouch:

6617859 Yeah, it's a long story. Apologies for my knee-jerk reaction. :twilightblush:

Anyway, thanks for the critique and for reading the story. I'll definitely continue working on the story when I can and it'll definitely be staying! :twilightsmile:

6617751 Mind if I give you ideas for upcoming chapters?

6617922 Thanks for the offer, but I already know the direction I'm taking this story. The upcoming chapters should be quite fun if all goes well. :pinkiesmile:

6617929 Well, let me know via Private Messages if you need any help.

Meanwhile, don't you just love it when Sweetie Belle blushes?

6618111 Understood! Thank you for the offer.

And yes, Sweetie Belle is cute. :twilightsmile:

Love the story, but wouldn't sunset have known who sweetie belle was, since she's rarity's sister in the human world?

6619511 Thanks for looking at the story. And thank you for mentioning the bit with Sweetie Belle and her human counterpart. I'll go patch that bit up. :twilightsmile:

Silly Manaphy, you thought your story was bad! But it's actually good! :rainbowlaugh:

Since I hail from Nyerguds' School of Commenting, allow me to share my thought about some of the excerpts that caught my attention.

Another twenty minutes and she'd have to camp outside with a tent and a bonfire.

Which would probably cause Twilight to come out and join her. "Hi, Sweetie, what are you up to?" ~ "Oh, I'm just waiting for my friends so we could talk to you about stuff." ~ "Are you interested in anything in particular?" ~ "Yeah, magic." ~ "Hmm. Tutoring young unicorns works best through one-on-one sessions. How about you stay after we're done with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo so I could show you some spells?" ~ "Sounds good!"

Boom, friendship is overpowered.

Her legs wiggled with each step she took. The moment her hooves clacked onto the glass-like floor, a cold breeze causing the hairs of her coat to stand up, the door slammed shut in a flash. Sweetie's heart skipped a beat.

I like how you presented Sweetie Belle's anxiety here and throughout the chapter!

As Sweetie gazed into the mirror's glass, she felt as though her soul left her body and crashed into a parallel universe.

I find the mention of the parallel universe here oddly specific. Since we're seeing the world from Sweetie Belle's perspective, who at this point does not know yet that the mirror is a portal to another dimension, such phrasing of what she felt makes little sense.

It's like the whole dimension is based off of school!

What a terrible, terrible place to be!

Flipping to the bookmarked page, Sweetie lifted the quill and began writing.

I'd like to say a word about the concept and the way you employed it. I think that accidentally contacting Sunset is a great way of bringing them together, but I'm not buying that Sweetie Belle would take a book from Twilight's library, assume it's a diary despite it being completely devoid of entries, leave a message there, and then put the book where she took it from. Realistically, the odds of Twilight reading her message are slim (from Sweetie's point of view it should be obvious that Twilight's not running her supposed diary on a regular basis, therefore won't read her message).

The possible ways of improving the execution (which you should not implement in the story - revising the content would hurt, so it's just a note for the future) I see are the following: Sweetie Belle notices some book opened on a table in the library, and leaves a quick note for Twilight, not even aware that it's a diary; or she takes the book from the bookshelf, but leaves it somewhere on the floor to maximize the chances of Twilight picking it up and checking it out.

Like I said, the concept of accidental communication with the other world is awesome, so don't let my remarks here discourage you.

Twilight twisted her head to where Sweetie stood and donned a sickening scowl. The latter's heart sank into the abyss.

Come on, Twilight, don't be mad at her! She's just a kid. Also, once more great job at writing Sweetie Belle's internal struggles.

"You can't be gifted at magic from the start,"

But that's precisely what 'gifted' means! Having a natural ability to do something, a talent which is innate, not trained!

That's all I have for you. Your story definitely caught my attention and those bits of criticism I spurted above aren't that important, because what I came to see is Sunset-Sweetie teacher-student relations. This ought to be fun, and I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter! Oh, and have a like! :raritywink:

6626725 Thank you for reading the chapter and for the critique. I highly appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

Question; why did you have the portal opening be every eighty moons, rather than the canonical thirty moons?

6636915 Oops. Error on my part. I'll go fix that up. Thanks for pointing that out and for reading the chapter. :pinkiesmile:

6636917 No problem, I'm looking forward to more.

This sounds like a good story. Keep up the good work.

6637458 Thank you for looking at the story and for the compliment. I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

All beginnings are difficult, are they not? :raritywink:

Her sister poking her shoulder and hissing tended to produce such results.

Rarity hissing is most cartoonish, but I love the picture!

"Anything else you need, Rarity?" Sunset continued. "I'm happy to help out if you need anything."

That line felt a bit out of place. Sunset is there for a specific reason, that being taking Sweetie Belle for a lesson in magic. Realistically, no one would suggest helping out (right now) if that would lead to distracting them from their primary goal. What if Rarity said she needed help? Would Sunset help her first, despite Sweetie Belle waiting? Or would it get really awkward if it turned out that Sunset's offer was just an empty courtesy?

I feel that the purpose of this line was to set up the goodbye exchange between the characters, and I believe there were more suitable ways of doing so, like informing Rarity where they're headed, or approximating how long will the lesson take. Technically, Rarity is allowing a pony she's just met (or saw a glimpse of when she was stealing Twilight's crown) take her sister for a walk, so I suppose it would be wise for Sunset to say something to reassure the other mare.

Her legs couldn't help but wobble as she trotted alongside her; Sweetie was certain she'd learn how to fly just on the power of anticipation, if such a thing was even possible.

She who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand. You'll get there eventually, Sweetie Belle!

"From the top, everypony does have a counterpart in the other dimension, and that does include you."

"I'm still trying to find my own counterpart, but no luck so far. I guess that means I'm unique on the universe scale. Meeting the other me and not ever meeting her are both wonderful and terrifying perspectives."

The flour was as lazy as ever, refusing to even lift an inch off the ground.

"Dumb fabric! Uh, I mean, dumb sacks of white powder!"

6638470 They sure are. :twilightsheepish:

And thank you for the continued advice. I highly appreciate it and will continue to do the best I can. :twilightsmile:

Silly, you can't dodge magic missiles.

6651137 Maybe so. :twilightsheepish:
Anyway, thanks for taking a look at the chapter. I highly appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

And boom, instaaved and loved. You certaintly know how to get me into an interesting premise.

6653401 Thank you for looking at the story. I highly appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

Welp, I think she's about to find out where Trixie is, the hard way.

6668927 Maybe so. The next chapter should be quite exciting. :twilightsheepish:

Anyway, thank you for reading the chapter. I highly appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

6669018 There will definitely be more flashiness from Sunset to come as the story progresses. And as for Trixie, I can't quite reveal what her role in the story will be quite yet, but it should be fun to write her character. Sunset and Sweetie have been lots of fun to write as well. :twilightsmile:

And thank you for taking a look at the chapter! :pinkiesmile:

6668935
No prob, it's a good story so far. I don't think I've ever seen Sweetie/Sunset in a fic before.

Oh dear. Slow and steady, Sweetie Belle. Slow and steady.

6669257 As they say, slow and steady wins the race. :twilightsheepish:

And thank you for reading the chapter. I appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

I like the idea of Sunset being Sweetie's magic teacher and this chapter is cute but disorienting at the same time.

6669929 Ah. I'll be sure to keep that in mind moving forward and try to improve in that regard. Thank you for reading the chapter and for the critique. I appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

6669934 It's not the entire chapter, but the scene where Sunset teaches Sweetie teleportation. It felt disorienting when I read it, not to mention that I also briefly experience vertigo. Is that normal?

6669970 I see. I do plan on tidying up a few things regarding the chapter once I've fully planned out what to tweak and I'll pay special attention to that scene. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, and it's perfectly okay you felt that way. I just have to work on making my writing less disorienting.

Sweetie Belle gets sick whenever Scoot tries out one of her flying stunts? Aw... Poor puppy. :pinkiesick:

Our little filly tends to be rather inquisitive when looking into Sunset's past and experience. :scootangel:

Way to go, cutie! You passed the first test! :yay:

I really love this bonding between Sunset and Sweetie Belle. Those hugging, leg-wrapping, and mane ruffling moments have touched me in many ways. :twilightsmile: :heart:

6670305 Yeah, writing the different interactions between Sweetie and Sunset was a lot of fun. I definitely have more interactions between them planned for the future, which should also be enjoyable. Thank you for taking a look at the chapter as well. I appreciate it and I'll continue trying to do the best I can! :twilightsmile:

6670312 Well, I think you've done wonders with this chapter. :twilightsmile:

I love it when Sweetie Belle gets so excited. She's a like a pug puppy in so many ways:

See what I mean? Even Pinkie Pie's not averse to puppy-like tendencies. :pinkiesmile:

You know, Sweetie Belle trying to learn magic is simply like puppies learning to use their legs:

Good thing Sunset is a bit more understanding that Darth Tyranus, when it comes giving lessons:

Sweetie Belle asking Trixie for extra help on magic? After that Alicorn Amulet incident? That'd be close to suicide. :unsuresweetie:

To be honest, I was a bit stumped that Sunset didn't flinch when she said the word "flashy." Maybe she didn't want to dwell on the pain she caused the boy she loves. I mean, Flashy and Sunny. Could be an interesting topic in a future chapter... when Sweetie Belle runs into her own crush from Trottington. Right? :heart:

One thing, Sunset's magic is a blue not Amber.

6677804 She had a blue aura in Equestria Girls and Rainbow Rocks, though for some reason this was changed to an amber color for Friendship Games. Her battle with Midnight Sparkle in the film shows her aura as being of an amber-like color, for example. Because of this, I decided to go with the most recent incarnation of her aura's color, as Friendship Games is the most recent EqG movie, but you're correct in that she did have a light blue aura at one point in the series. :pinkiesmile:

Anyway, thank you for taking a look at the story and for the comment. I highly appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

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