• Member Since 12th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Jan 24th, 2019

Manaphy


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Cheerilee's class is at the Dragonfly Swamp for a field trip, and Apple Bloom is hoping that things will go smoothly. However, that hope quickly dissolves when she is paired with Silver Spoon for the field trip's group project. Apple Bloom expects the worst, but when Silver Spoon acts differently than expected, she learns a shocking secret. What is this secret? How will it impact her view of Silver Spoon?


Thanks to Overseer Neptune for providing editing and proofreading assistance.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 54 )

the feeeeeellllllllllllssssss:raritydespair:

Not a bad read, but you might want to revise the way they speak. They are kids after all. So correct grammar isn't a necessity.

Very nice.

The point where Silver Spoon fell down was a bit contrived to me, but I liked how you talked about the how she's always in the follower position and afraid to be leader; it feels like a relate able issue to someone who has never had a chance to really be a leader.

So overall, I like it. :twilightsmile: Keep writing.

dude. It's the 16th. How the fuck is this created on the 17th...wait.

You're a fucking WIZARD!!!:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::rainbowdetermined2::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:.....:unsuresweetie:

Doctor whooves? Anyways, commencing read.

Good story. :twilightsmile:

5013753
Of course I'll keep writing, because I have to write if I'm going to improve. Thanks for commenting as well. :twilightsmile:
5013755
Magic. :raritywink:
5013829
Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :pinkiesmile:

That was sweet! But you didn't really get the characters' voices right. You definitely wrote their dialogue a bit too formally a few times, especially for Apple Bloom.

Any more story requests? cause I've got one.

Like the others have been saying, the characters dialogue is a little to formal. Especially Apple Bloom, but overall a good read. :pinkiehappy:

5014018
5014130
I guess that's something I need to work on. Anyway, thanks for letting me know, and I'll try to do a better job for next time.

>Picture is a fimfic wallpaper
>Alright. Well played OP. I'll play your game and read your story

5014228 I was waiting for someone to mention that. :twilightsheepish:

Besides what the others have been saying about the diaogue (and they're right btw), I must say that this is a wonderful and adorable story.

I loved it!

Great job!

5014243 True. I'll practice writing dialogue so that my next story will turn out even better. Thanks for commenting. :twilightsmile:

I realize it must hurt to be Apple Bloom, just as a general day to day thing imposed by the cruel fates, but come on. I couldn't tell if AB was suffering from a combination heart attack+migrane or if she had brainworm lust for Silver Spoon or what. Luckily we weren't in Silver Spoon's head as well, or I might have had to pass out myself alongside her to deal with all these excessive reactions. I really did try to read the whole thing. I tried, but I missed some parts here and there because of all the eye-rolling I had to do. Had I been a character in the story, my eyes would probably have snapped off the optical nerves and spun like slot machine wheels in my eye sockets.

I get the need to make Silver Spoon (and Diamond Tiara) more likeable ponies, as I'm a fan of them both myself. I just think it should be done by making them more realistic and more believable. The basic story of "Diamond Tiara has a rich distant family" isn't new, and it isn't especially well done here as it is told to us third hand. This is a story being told to Apple Bloom by Silver Spoon while we watch. Silver Spoon's own part of the whole "sharing" stuff is not even really much of any story at all. "I'm a follower. I follow Diamond Tiara."

Um. OK.

Out of this whole mess, the part where Silver Spoon asks Apple Bloom about her efforts to earn her cutie mark, and the fairly subtle questioning about what she likes to do was slightly interesting. It actually felt at that moment like you were showing us a glimpse of the character behind the pretty glasses, and that you were successfully showing us more to this pony than we normally have. But it was just a little glimpse, and it was nearly drowned out by all the rest of the over the top nonsense going on around it.

Deconstructing what is here, the real story is that Silver Spoon feels guilty over how she (by following Diamond Tiara) treats other ponies. She understands Diamond's motivations, but she wants to do something about it. I'm sure this has been eating her up for awhile, and the opportunity presented by being paired up with Apple Bloom (it could have been one of the other two crusaders probably and still work) was what she needed. We could have had this story from her perspective, and gotten a lot more of her character in the way you want to present her. Instead we were stuck with the Apple Bloom filter. It comes across as lazy, because it lets you cut out most of the work of actually presenting us this more complete Silver Spoon.

Then you do yet another tease. You set yourself up for an actually dramatic scene, one where Silver Spoon the concerned friend confronts Diamond Tiara, with Apple Bloom at her side. There could be all kinds of accusations of betrayal as Silver Spoon revealed Diamond's secrets to "the enemy" and all sorts of intense stuff. You could write about how the other two CMC react to AB wanting to help Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. You could have all kinds of real drama, instead of this weird medical condition stuff inflicting these fillies.

But, again a lazy and cheap writing tactic, you just hint at that scene, and end your story with the pair promising to do all that.

I can see how for some this is a good story. It has fairly good grammar, and it is light and fluffy. I'm sure plenty of readers enjoy that tease, and like to think about all these big things happening, and because your story made them think of it, they transfer the credit to you. Used in moderation, that can be a good storytelling tool. But you have to actually give us some substance. That can't be the entire storytelling, which is what you've done here.

5014272 Thanks for commenting. I recognize that it's flawed and I don't understand why it's getting so much attention. I do wish I had the talent you had, since I've read some of your stories. Anyway, thanks for the in-depth critique. I'll try to think of something with more substance for next time, but I guess we all have to start somewhere. Also, is it okay if I ask you some questions about writing in the future? I think I could learn a lot from someone as intelligent as you.

5014318 Thank you. I'm glad that you liked it. :twilightsmile:

5014280

Also, is it okay if I ask you some questions about writing in the future?

Sure thing.

5014330 Thank you very much. If something I'm confused about ever crosses my mind, I'll ask you if you're available. I'll become a great writer one day, but I just need some more experience first. :twilightsmile:

5014250 It helps to get a friend to read it out loud with. I've done that with a few of mine, and it makes the dialogues flow more naturally. Especially if you change what the dialogue says because of the natural changes induced by reading it aloud. (Shorter sentences sometimes, other times a character might cut off another character, or even themself. Sometimes they wind up talking over each-other, but I would wait to do that until you have experience in making natural dialogues because it can get very confusing very fast).

5014415 Sounds like a plan. Thanks for the advice. I'll try that for the next story I write. :twilightsmile:

Awwww. That was cute. It certainly warmed my heart.

Great job, my friend. I hope this gets featured, so that everyone can acknowledge your linguistic talents.

5014791 Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

Has anyone ever clenched their teeth so hard and tried to gulp? That's a lot of effort into trying to do the two, props to Apple Bloom for pulling that one off without loosening her jaw or just regularly swallowing. Though, with all the gritting she did in this story she's probably gonna have to get a Dentist appointment made.

A few times, I wasn't sure if this was trying to ship Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo and Sweetie. Apple Bloom herself made so many doki-doki moments throughout this story that I had to hit backspace to check the front to see if this had a Romance tag on it I missed or Apple Bloom was going to have a severe panic attack.


Commonly overused: eyes widening, teeth gritting, heart pounding, and slight variations of those three.

Also might want to review scenes that go about describing an action and giving time descriptions like: "a sec or two"

Use "took a moment" or "stopped to <action here>".


Thoughts: It had too many repetitive moments that continued to distract me, jar me out of my reading. Later half became a bit unnatural; words spoken by fillies that feel like they shouldn't know or possessed by some other force to say such words.

Without getting too deep, I think this story would of worked best with a more limited "type only what you see them do, not what they think" perspective. A more focused narrative would of let you work more on ironing out some scenes in the latter half.

Apple Bloom turned into Barney in the last parts of the story.


What I would of liked to see:
Apple Bloom helps Silver find she's got more going for her than she knows.

Silver Spoon finds out a bit more what it's like to be Apple Bloom. What her Granny Smith is like, from one who lives with her instead of the stories DT tells her.

Silver's parents' want for Silver Spoon to be made more clearer than "we want her to be a follower" to be better explained. Why does she feel she can't risk speaking up to her friend Diamond? Whom she feels will apparently drop her lickity split if she ever went against anything she says.

Question: Did Silver only become Diamond's friend out of sheer pity alone? Aside from maybe parents wanting her to be a flank kisser? I did not understand where she stood on all this as later parts felt like she'd leave Diamond if she didn't have to worry about being teased.

The motivations behind Silver's parents and what it has to do with Silver's talents were never really touched upon. Did Silver learn baking to cheer Diamond up? Is Diamond somehow responsible for that cutie mark on Silver's flanks because she complimented her on her baking and encouraged her to continue baking even if Silver's parents didn't think it would be fitting for a lady like her? Or did they buy into her learning to bake because it'd get her a good suitor later in life?

Show Silver Spoon as really having enjoyed teasing the blank flanks, and never gave it much thought until their weeks long with Babs before turned into her and Di getting caught on the opposite side of the bullying chain.

Fillies speaking more like fillies. By avoiding big words that don't sound very pony: Like "loathing".
(Words like LOATHE are pretty high in the vocab tree, and a world like Equestria where HATE can make a pony's coat stand on ends, loathe would probably be treated like an accusatory swear word. Not the main biggie, but it stood out enough for me to mention it.)


Regardless, of all that. Have a like. It had its cute moments. Even if some of those were mistaken for being something else. Doki-doki. :heart:

Try to think up some cute stories that add to Spoon's character more. I'm sure you've seen Seven Minutes in Heaven, no? I think the fandom has done all they possibly could to showing us all the many ways Silver can say she's sorry to the CMC by now. We'd all much rather see more of why we should like Silver Spoon as a person, an individual, then just someone who just feels guilty about stuff she still partakes in or does little to nothing to change her situation, regardless of how pitiable the reasons she may have for them.

It was a decent story, I saw where you wanted to take it without trying to be just a carbon copy of the others. But the story began to feel less and less like MLP and fillies talking near the latter half. And if you ignore all the Dramatic Apple Bloom moments, and stuff mentioned above. It was a decent story.


Final Thoughts: How is it the CMC have so many adventures, so many stories that focus on each individual CMC, and even DIAMOND TIARA who gets her own Diamond-centric stories, and yet Silver Spoon gets almost nothing outside of Spoon apologizing all the time.

Can't Silver Spoon have her day off to do her own thing like DT does? What does Silver Spoon DO on her own time? What other possible friends or associates does she have when DT is like doing other things? We never get to really read stories about Silver Spoon if it isn't for very few people who actually refuse to write themselves into fanon tropes.

I don't know what it is about Silver. She's got potential. Be it on her own, with DT, or even the CMC.

Mane 6 are diverse and don't all share the same likes and wants, yet they have great friendships that still get tested a lot. We need more stories like they have, but for the Filly 5. From first crushes, to going on their first daring ride, camping trips, school festivals and fairs, I'm sure many of you have seen some anime so it can't be hard to see where one can get ideas for themes, at the very least.

ugh, why did my three sentences turn into something I can't fit on my screen? :facehoof:

Well, one only gets better the more they write. What you take here you'll likely do better to avoid in your next story. You certainly have cute ideas. But you need to learn to avoid certain traps. And that comes with time.

5014944 I'm trying to write more colorful sentences, but it looks like I still have much to learn. Also, I do agree that the plot needs some work. Thanks for the advice. :twilightsmile:

Decent enough, though your dialogue needs a bit of work. For now, focus on finding the character's voices and getting their speech patterns sound more natural.

Question: Why was Sweetie Belle zoning out? The way you called attention to it made it seem like it was significant, but you never addressed it.

5015966 Understood. Thanks for the advice. I'll try to do a better job next time.

5014944 You clearly looked more closely at this story than I did.:twilightoops:
I'm actually a little surprised that I got the editing credit, as I didn't really do much for this story. When something's already pretty good, my editing mode kind of shuts down.
Now I'm going to go read what this story has turned into since last time I saw it.

That was a nice story and well written.

And I know there are already dozens of comments about the dialog. But I feel if the dialog were to flow more naturally, it's pretty mechanical now, this story would be infinitely better.

"Apple Bloom, do you mind if I ask a question?"

Is pretty formal but in canon Silver is a brat. Even seeing this tender side of her in this fic she's more likely to say:

Apple Bloom, can I like, ask you something?

It's more her voice.

"Can you speak up, please? I didn't quite understand."

I read this not in Apple Bloom's voice but something more like siri.
The fun thing about Apple Bloom is, if you want, you can really accentuate her accent.

whadcha say? I ain't got bat ears, speak up.

or

Say what?

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Again, really mechanical. Apple Bloom would probably say

Ah don't know what ya talkin' about.

The story is there and it's good, it's got potential. I still enjoyed it and that's the most important thing. Have a Scootaloo. :scootangel:

5017029

You clearly looked more closely at this story than I did.:twilightoops:

I merely just read the story as I would any other. :applejackconfused:

I'm actually a little surprised that I got the editing credit, as I didn't really do much for this story.

I've gotten that a couple times, once even when I didn't want to be credited for a certain story I had no interests in but helped since none wanted to preread and give honest feedback to a mature AppleDash story. But mainly since the feedback I gave got twisted into what they wanted to do anyways that I told them didn't work and low and behold, they got that same part they forced on ahead with being the part people complained most about. :facehoof:

But just reading something and letting them know your opinions on whether you liked it or not is usually enough to warrant credit for giving feedback even if you didn't edit anything.

When something's already pretty good, my editing mode kind of shuts down.

That's one of the faults I've had with friends and others. You get so into a story you forget why you're there in the first place or feel you'll ruin something if you're too honest.

You really just have to read a story and say what felt right and what felt a bit off. A story has to be more than just what people want the characters to do, they still have to sound like them. Make you bleieve you're really reading an episode of Apple Bloom and the class going on a field trip to learn about stuff and get paired up, as often people tend to, with those we don't always know much about or associate with.

Helping is more than just saying "You have a misspelled word here." and such.

I actually wasn't looking to not enjoy this story. I just read it and spoke up about what drew me out or confused me about the story. No doubt as you see here, I just happen to talk a lot. And the story was funny and cute, just not for all the right reasons at times since many were unintentional. Doki-doki. :P

TL;DR: Nah, I just read and posted what I thought about it. :twistnerd:

5017320 Since you seem to be really intelligent when it comes to what makes a good story, do you mind if I ask you for help from time to time? I'd love to be as skilled and as knowledgeable as you, but I'm not quite there yet.

5017320 I don't mind, but aside from my time being pretty limited, I won't be around much come Oct 5th-11th and no idea when I'll be back.

Cryosite is pretty epic, Sind is a very blunt but good proofreader, Mattricole believe it or not is pretty cool and can help with stuff. Just keep a rolled up newspaper handy if he gets too Mattricole-y. And Magerblutooth though not into reading fiction is still one I trust and respect to point out character flaws and grammar, as well as characterization.

Try reading stories and see how more established fiction writers express actions through words.

But hey, until I leave in Oct, feel free to hit me up! :raritywink:

5017571 Thanks for all of the suggestions. I'll keep on trying to write something that's good, but learning from my multiple mistakes and practice in general should help a little. :twilightsmile:

5017157 Thanks for the advice. I've got a lot to work on, but I'll be able to improve more with practice and taking in the suggestions everyone has put forth. :twilightsmile:

I am currently fapping the like button.:twilightangry2:

This was awesome. Nuff said.

5018704 I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

5018941 Please, you little Pokemon, applaud yourself.

How do you suppose Silver Spoon would look as a senior citizen?

We never really know the whole story until we hear both sides of it. Part of me feels angry with SP for not doing anything about her problems but the other is pity on how she sees no way to escape from this torment.

5115790 I agree about hearing both sides of the story to get a better picture of what went on. Thinking about it has given me an idea in regards to this story. Maybe a sequel?

As for Silver Spoon, her not doing anything about the problem and seeing no escape is something that people in real life go through. It's rather sad, because they want to be helped, but they don't know what to say or are afraid of what others will say. Anyway, thanks for commenting on the story, and I'll keep striving to improve the more I write. :twilightsmile:

this was a good story and I really liked the message at the end. Very well done.

5294869 Thanks for the compliments! :twilightsmile:

5295219 You my friend are welcome.

Cool story. Silver Spoon always did seem like a bully with a heart.

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