Summer has arrived in Ponyville, and all of the colts and fillies are ecstatic about the long break from school. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are among those excited about the summer and they end up going on an adventure for the ages. There's only one problem. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are tagging along with them. However, what none of them realize is that many undiscovered secrets of Equestria are waiting for them. What are these secrets? Why are Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon traveling with the Cutie Mark Crusaders? What challenges will these fillies face?
Thanks to Frostfur and Howling Wolves for proofreading this story.
Chapters (8)
Alright! That was pretty good. I'm excited to see what happens next.
Also, that's an interesting interpretation of Silver Spoon's cutie mark.
Side note:
This line just feels really awkward to me.
5056560 Understood. Do you have any suggestions to make it clearer?
Also, I'm glad you liked it.
I really enjoy reading about your Silver Spoon. Also, I've never heard of anyone giving her cutie mark that meaning. Interesting...
5056575 You could remove the "did", I guess.
5056584 I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.
As for Silver Spoon, I do remember reading something that said her talent could be as a pastry chef, but I forgot who said it and where. It just felt right to me so I adopted it into my headcanon.
5056590 That sounds like a plan. Reading it, the sentence does come out smoother. Thank you!
5056595
5056591 I think it's cool.
Looks great so far! I'm extremely honored to be able to edit this.
5056671 Thank you!
And thank you for helping edit this story!
this just bothers me.
Do: Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both grinned, nodding with their lips were sealed tight.
The wording here is also just off:
Do: Apple Bloom found herself in the middle of the stampede and as she waved to Miss Cheerilee, who was smiling and waving at everypony that passed by, and soon found herself pushed outside the school building.
It just helps.
5056807 Fixed. Thanks for catching that. I must have missed that by accident.
I'm just trying to help. Sorry if I come off as annoying.
Do: "What should we do?" asked Sweetie Belle. "I was thinking about seeing if we could get our cutie marks in martial arts."
What we needs is a gentleman who'll guide these fillies.
You mixed up a couple of numbers. She wants the two blank flanks to get the flower, then says You and your three fellow blank flanks. Those should be reversed.
Otherwise excellent start.
5057678 Thanks for catching that silly mistake of mine.
Hmm. Interesting. I thought the intro was a little shaky in that there wasn't much of a hook to pull me in right away. I felt kept at arm's length from the story until AB started talking with the other crusaders. That said, I'm going to follow this story, and I look forward to where this headed. The CMC adventuring is always a great idea in my books. It'll be tough to write for five characters. Do your best.
5058124 Thanks for the words of encouragement. I wish I was as talented as you are, but I'll keep trying the best I can despite my lack of skills.
Interesting start. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
No bumb, bump, sugar lump, and rump? No cool, funny, witty follow-up? I'm disappoint. Fanon Silver is always so moody.
Anyways. The (not sure if purposefully ironic to be funny) Apple Bloom epiphany was nice, the crazy part that harrolded the coming of the Sugar Lumps, whom sadly didn't do their traditional show of besties trademark hoofshake, but none-the-less a great one-liner to Apple Bloom's invitation to be teased.
(Someone should draw a venomous Diamond Tiara cobra btw, or a spitting cobra since she doesn't actually bite.)
Your Silver Spoon is still cute, devoid of cheeriness but cute in a more somber way. Grey never was a cheerful color I suppose. I need to check to see if this is a ship fic, I'm getting that vibe from your last one. Apple Bloom is very perceptive thinker, and curious too.
Well, great chapter. Holy hayfries did this your writing improved. Flow was for the most part pretty solid. Way more natural and forgiving on some parts. But wow, this is shaping up to be a true E rated story that might hold some fun yet.
I do hope Silver gets more of her show personality infused into her, fanon OC infused Silver is such a downer to read all the time. But good job anyways on the story!
Sorry about not getting to your other story before. If you haven't noticed, I tend to get rather distracted by skype and in-progress stories. But so glad you got someone far more competent than I to help with this! It came out fantastic the most part far as any CMC story goes.
5059683 Thanks for commenting. I'll try to keep on improving as I keep on writing.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Secrets of Equestria
Grammar 10/10
Pros
*Diamond Tiara (I hope she gets her comeuppance)
*Grammar is really good(or as far as I can tell given my meh skills in that department)
*Story has got me hooked and its not that easy to get me interested in a non dragon/spike story
Cons
*As telaros pointed out "No bumb, bump, sugar lump, and rump" and on that...
*no CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS BLAH, BLAH YAH!
*Silver Spoon is a bit off
Notes Section
Can I be honest? The cons are a biiiit of a stretch for me...
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: The Last Keeper of Harmony
5060683 Thanks for the surprise critique. I really appreciate it and I'll continue to try and grow as a writer.
Also, I'll be sure to check out your story.
Interesting story, my good fellow. Grammar is stupendous, and the plot is just magnificent.
I will favorite this and leave you with a thumbs up from our President from America!
tacomaworld.com/gallery/data/500/obama-drinking-guiness-thumbs-up.jpg
5061543 Thanks for the kind compliments!
Dun, Dun DUN! Can't wait to see what horrible trouble we get into.
So much for the dare, right? This is looking to be a potentially great story; keep it up, dude!
5080203 Thanks for the compliments!
I like this chapter. It's pretty well written and moves the plot along. My biggest complaint is that a few sentences sound a bit more formal than I would expect from the character saying them.
5088952 Thanks for commenting and I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Also, thanks for letting me know about the formal dialogue. I'll keep on working on my writing so that the next chapters can be even better.
5088967
It's totally Clover. Trapped here since she wrote the prophecy. Protecting, haunting, general housekeeping. No gardening, no windows.
Tempting fate anyone?
5145095 It's more likely the 'pony of shadows.' Now who that is, who knows?
5147615 That's what I meant, is that Clover is the Shadow Pony.
5147671 Maybe not, it could be her master Starswirl. (He was interested in time spells. Maybe he found a way to gaze into the future)
IT'S THE FRIGGIN' PONY OF SHADOWS!!!!!!
Why? Just...why?
I have to admit, Manaphy, this is one of your best works yet. Keep up the good work, you have definitely improved on your characterization all around.
5157581 Thanks! I'm finding this to be a lot of fun to write, so I'm glad that you're enjoying it as well.
Is the reason why Silver Spoon so smart and intelligence is because she has a crush on a certain baby dragon?
Seems too easy. I mean yes, that goblet has gold and jewels and such to it, but I bet there's more to it than that.
I think you did a good job. I can't wait for more!
5279651 Thank you!
must have more soon ! keep up the great writing
5281351 Thanks for the compliment.
5281418
its is very well earned i love how deep you go into each character sweetiebell was so surreal yet fit i thought tho poor scoots seemed to be kinda glanced over but then again iam kinda biased on her as you might be able to tell after all she is The Best Pony. Please while i urge you to rush do take your time to make each chapter as good as you have been. right now ignoring any of the god level fics none which seem to be updating at the moment yours is the one i look forward to the most
I like where this is going.
It's still just as interesting as the previous chapters and now you've got me wondering what'll happen next!
Also
Waiting Cutie Mark is the best Cutie Mark.
5425303 Thank you!
I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter.
This just raises further questions. How many of the pages in the Book of Destiny are blank? Who would plant a false journal of Clover the Clever's in a bunch of old ruins and why? (Especially with falsities like Discord's reign. What could possibly be gained from that?) I still wonder about that Goblet and the ruby that goes with it (if it does in fact go with it that is.) And how does the figure that attacked Lightning Dust figure into all this? And just what the hey is going on with the CMC plus DT and SS? This becomes more twisted and intriguing by the second.
I loved this chapter, you did a great job on it.