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Spitfire has doubted herself for some time, and she ends up going to a pub after another show. She hopes to get some peace and quiet and a nice drink as well. But when Twilight Sparkle also makes her way into the pub and the two meet up, they have a conversation that will become one of the most important in Spitfire's life. What will they discuss? How will it impact Spitfire?
Thanks to Ditzy Soldier and Envy Pony for proofreading this story.
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Nice story. Very well written.
5182699 Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
I stand by what I said before. The same problems are shown in this version, in fact, it's mostly identical.
5182713 Well, I did try to apply as many of your suggestions as I could. I decided to use the original rough draft as a starting point instead of just rewriting it, which may have been a poor decision on my part. Sorry that I still haven't learned from the rough draft. Should I revoke the submission and just discard it?
5182719 You should leave it up. It's pretty well written, even despite my piles of suggested revisions.
Soarin has a giant crush on Spitfire doesn't he?
5183266 For the most part, though there was more to it than just "Rainbow Falls". The idea for this fic arose when I saw the amounts of hate she got on Derpibooru, at least from what I noticed. It gave me an idea of using some of the criticisms thrown at her and twisting them into Spitfire's own doubts and regrets.
Well I read this while livestreaming today. It was different, but I thought this was a bit of a miss for me. I think you're improving as in terms of writing style, but you liked to use a lot of repetitive phrasing and it almost seemed like some were just copied and pasted randomly. Also some of the dialogue sounded if-y, especially Twilight's. It just didn't grasp me as I thought it would.
But hey, it sometimes happens to us. I still think you've improved a lot from previous stories. Something to definitely work on is the overuse of dialogue bits such as:
It's just awkwardly placed and not necessary. Just like the rest of the ones I highlight below...
And...
And once again...
But we're not done on the awkward train. Some lines just had my head tilted to the side.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/32706.png?1343395073
I couldn't stop staring at that and tripping over it. The only possibility she is an egghead is if she's just as nerdy in the terms of flying. Unless Spitfire actually likes reading reports about her cadets misadventures (or failures), then she may fit in this category. In the canon case, she definitely wouldn't fit.
Like, I'm all for this supportive Spitfire stuff. Heck, I'd write it if you told me not to. Thing is, you can't fall astray from the canon's rays. It's a bay full of things you should do so your fic does not decay. I'm rhyming again, make it stop.
Just make sure you keep at least some canon traits in tact, okay? My brain almost flew to mars on that one.
And now back on the awkward train.
This bit will go over some vernacular issues. You like to use a lot of words the same way. I'll show you which one appears the most. I even said this on the stream:
"Didn't I Just read that phrase a few moments ago?"
I got curious since this almost looks the same, just reworded slightly. Same words used.
You need to work on that word variation.
Whenever you used 'sagged', it always referred to a shoulder.
Whenever you used slight, majority of the time it referred to Spitfire's lips moving up or down.
There are plenty more of this throughout this fiction, but I'm not going to nitpick like a crazed reviewer or something.
There is one final thing. This little bit bugged me to no end.
This sentence was mentioned earlier in this comment, but I had to point it out again for how many times you used smile in less than three seconds. This could've been reworded in a much neater and professional way. I suggest rewriting the sentence, because it just dragged me down with it's awkwardness. You have a lot of those in this fiction.
Now I'm not saying this story is garbage. This story is good, solid, but it needs a lot of heavy lifting. I suggest doing those changes I suggest and possibly what 5182713 said, considering he gave you revisions.
Hmm...
This does look like a first rough draft now that I see it again...
-Soaring
5183607 Sorry that it's crap. I wish I knew how to not be so repetitive, but I'm sometimes at a loss as to what to do. I do kind of regret publishing this, as it's really bad. Do you have any tips so that my writing isn't so bland, repetitive, and awful?
5183644 Well I didn't say it was bad as you interpreted it, there are some nice bits like the bit between Soarin' and Spitfire. Plus that ending made me grin like a lad named Fin. But if you want advice, I suggest looking over your writing twice. If not, make it thrice. Sometimes even looking it over isn't enough, but I digress. In this case, just take a two for one deal and look it over a bit. You did a solid job, don't be so hard on yourself.
I loved this... I feel sorry for Twilight... Nopony was there to walk out with her...
An overall enjoyable story. I can see why your not proud of it, but the idea worked. Just needs cleaned up.
5185486 I will admit that I am hard on myself, but I'll keep trying to improve and I hope my next story will turn out better than this one did. Thanks for the support.
I like on how you've written Spitfire in this story. Usually I see a captain who goes ape$hit on Soarin for the Equestrian Games or is a self-absorbed narcissist. This is a Spitfire who feels the weight on her shoulders for her past failures. She doesn't seek revenge on anyone, but self-criticizes herself for her past failures. All leaders usually all come to face this problem, that they can't always keep a perfect image in front of their troops and when they lose that, they lose some faith in themselves.
5185906 That was what I was going for when I wrote her in this fic. Anyway, thanks for the compliments. It really means a lot, and I'll keep on improving the more I write.
I liked the premise. I can certainly see Spitfire as a team captain with a lot of insecurities and fears sometimes.
Some of the dialogue seems like it could use some cleaning up to feel more natural because I'm not sure I could imagine a realistic conversation progressing some of the ways this one did, but at the same time I can understand how the point the story was aiming for sort of shaped it into what it was.
Overall, I liked it. I thought it was a very sweet story that really touches the central theme of the show - that friendship is magic.
5186864 Thanks for the feedback.
I'll keep on trying to improve the more I write.
Before I start, I want to agree with most of the other commenters. You are too hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with being your own harshest critic (in fact, Dean Koontz stated that he doesn't read any of his work after it's published because he will find mistakes and worry excessively over them), but you can't hate your shortcomings. I'm all about embracing what makes you different and loving your flaws, and that is what you must do to become a better writer.
First the good: You write very well. There wasn't a single grammar or punctuation error that I noticed, and the paragraphs were structurally sound. Seriously, I appreciate that last point. It gets so tiring looking over people's stories and constantly saying "That's a subject change, you need a new paragraph." I like the concept of Twilight helping someone even though she is having a rough time herself, it is just so her, and I also like the idea of Spitfire dealing with these doubts and insecurities.
The problem with this story is the execution. Honestly, if I had just happened upon this story, I would have stopped reading by the time I came to the newspaper headlines, and here is the reason why:
You could tell me Spitfire is sad because she had a fight with Soarin, and I'd believe it and keep reading. However, what you did was tell me that Spitfire is sad because she had a fight with Soarin, and then overslept, and spilled her oats all over her uniform, and locked her keys in her house and then a bird pooped on her head. Her sadness is so over the top that it isn't believable. I want to talk about the characters, and then give you my suggestions as to what I think you can do to make this a much better story.
Spitfire: As stated above, I like the idea of her being insecure. Most leaders will go through phases similar to this, and I feel like you did this part fairly well, you just tried to go too big with it. I really don't see Spitfire beating herself up over not catching Rarity. She doesn't strike me as someone who dwells on past failures. Also, I don't think that she should be bothered by nearly losing to Rainbow Dash in the Equestria Games. Rainbow has already earned her respect, Spitfire would probably have been thrilled that the race was so close. I do, however, see her brooding over her poor decision to replace Soarin in the episode Rainbow Falls. That lapse of judgment along with what Rainbow says to her would be enough to make her feel very guilty, sad, and begin to doubt her qualifications to lead.
Soarin: I love this guy, he is the only male character that I find as adorable as the mane six. He's goofy and ditzy, but good natured and caring. He's essentially a male Derpy without the clumsiness. Soarin would have forgiven Spitfire over the Rainbow Falls incident almost instantaneously, and would have done nothing to make her feel bad. In fact, I believe that he would notice the change in her, and try to talk to her about it. Maybe that was what you were thinking when you had him enter the pub to talk to her? The problem with that was it was too convenient. He just magically appeared there the moment that she most needed him, even after you stated previously that she came to the pub because she knew he wouldn't go there.
Twilight: Since the season 4 finale, I've been coming across a lot of fics that depict Twilight being depressed over the destruction of the Golden Oaks Library. Honestly, I think that that is the authors inserting their own feelings into the stories. I personally don't think that Twilight would be all that bothered by it. I know that we just saw in Trade Ya that she had lots of sentimental value in those books, but I just don't see her moping around about it. It just isn't her. Twilight is a character that picks herself up, dusts herself off, and keeps right on going. She doesn't dwell on things like this, she keeps moving forward. I did like that you mentioned her having trouble sleeping in her new castle, and although I said that she wouldn't mope about her books, I can still see her lying awake at night and thinking about them. Also, why would Twilight enter a pub? She becomes very uncomfortable when ponies start acting different around her because she is a princess, and what would happen if she entered a pub? A place where princesses don't usually frequent? It would be pandemonium. The bartender would be freaking out, the patrons would be jumping up and bowing, it would be Twilight's worst nightmare. So, where would she go in Canterlot to calm herself? Probably the library. It would be quiet, and there wouldn't be many ponies there. It's the perfect place for her to get comfortable and brood alone.
Rainbow Dash: I got very excited when the conversation turned to Rainbow, and then was immediately disappointed when it just as quickly turned away from her. Spitfire makes a comment that Dash no longer wants to join the Wonderbolts, but she is already a member of the Wonderbolt Reserves. As captain of the Wonderbolts, Spitfire must know this. Also, as I stated earlier, Spitfire now respects Rainbow, and so this would have been a great opportunity for Twilight to tell Spitfire that Rainbow has looked up to her since she was a filly. That Rainbow wants to join the Wonderbolts and be just like her. That would do wonders for Spitfire's self-esteem.
My suggestions: I think you should drop all of Spitfire's issues except for her guilt at trying to replace Soarin. Focus on that and sell it to the reader. Give us lots of details of how she now understands that it was a bad decision, and the sadness she feels at having wronged him. This will be much less overwhelming and more believable.
As I said, Soarin would know that something is wrong with Spitfire and would try to talk to her about it, and I can totally see Spitfire avoiding him out of guilt. I think the story should begin right after the show, with Spitfire evading Soarin and sneaking off into the city to be alone. You should also describe the strain on their friendship because of this.
You kind of hinted in the story that Spitfire may be a reader, so maybe you could have her go to the library. If she secretly enjoys reading, then Soarin and the others would never think to look for her there and she could be alone. It would also be a much much much more realistic place to run into Twilight. And instead of Twilight brooding over her destroyed library, have her instead be feeling out of place over some sort of royal duty she just attended in Canterlot. You can focus on how she just wants to be viewed as an equal by others, and hates having ponies bow to her all the time. This way she will be more in character and the dialogue won't feel so forced.
As for the ending, I suggest that you make the two of them inspire one another and leave the library together. Then Spitfire goes and finds Soarin and apologizes and they have their heartfelt chat. Then she can look at the newspaper and read the quote (I absolutely loved that little touch by the way).
I truly hope that you found this helpful, and that you will take the time and effort to improve this story. The concept was truly wonderful, and you approached it in a very creative way, you just took the problem too far. Tone it down and try to get the characters a bit more in-character, and this will be a nice little story.
5188107 A bit rough around the edges but there is defiantly room for improvement. Only thing that really stood out for me was the initial introduction to Spitfire's melancholy.
It's nice to see you exploring this side of what the fandom perceives to be a very confidant character, really adds another side to her. My only complaint is that you might have taken things a bit too far, she can certainly feel despondent about her failures, sure anyone would. But on the same note she an experienced mare, she should know for certain that her team mates have her back (Though recent actions during S4 may show her having a ruthless streak so maybe you could play on that, just think about how easily she was going to replace Soaring with RD). Maybe you could run something along those lines into it, maybe a plausible reason why she hasn't got friends is because she sees ponies as tools to winning and has kept herself isolated from them. It might come across as a bit sociopathic but many of the most successful people in the world frequently do exhibit similar tendencies.
It'd be redundant for me to comment on everything said so far, and all my other points have been made more coherently by other authors. Only thing I can say is that I hope you take their suggestions to heart and that I would be very interested in reading rewrite of this.
Best of luck
5249941 Thanks for looking at it and critiquing it. I'll take your suggestions and those that other people on here have given into consideration and I'll try to do a better job next time. It's not a good story, but at least I learned something from it.
5249952 it's not great but the initial premise is a rich breeding ground for possibilities. Keep at it, you could definitely make this a very nice little fireside read.
I also find it sad that everyone remembers and knows Spitfire the Wonderbolt and Twilight the Princess and Twilight the Savior but they never seem to bother to try and know Spitfire the Pegasus and Twilight the unicorn/alicorn, both of them are known for their status and accomplishments yet others never try to get to know the ponies behind those accomplishments