- Member Since 9th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2017
Proper Noun
Banned by request. See y'all around.
Proper Noun
Joined 9th Jun, 2013 ·
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you earned a gold star
3614260
Thank you so much!
Glad you liked it!
Well, reviewing fanfiction isn't exactly my area of expertise, but you asked, and therefore I shall deliver.
While there weren't many actual grammatical errors there was one.
Honestly, though, that was a minor error and very easily forgivable. As for the story itself, I liked it. The writing was fairly good and you're working with an interesting concept. I'm honestly interested in seeing where exactly you plan to take this. That being said, there's really not much I can say about it this early on. I'll gladly come back and do this again after you've uploaded a few more chapters, if you'd like.
3669888
Hi! Thank you for the critique. I know there isn't much story yet. Sorry.
After re-examining the crime scene, the Grammar Police determined further editing was necessary. The site has been overhauled, and now conforms to police standards.
3669930 Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to report to precinct for demotion.
Dude. Have twilight achieve total slave stays for a bit. Then have something happen like forty.four yells or hit s her and have her Dickens completely snap. Kill him zero etc. But. She uses dark magic to do so
3718110
Well, I'm glad you liked it (I think?). I have to say, though, that I never thought of taking the story down such a route.
I prefer more subtle means...
Came here from your blog post, and... while I'm not going to downvote, I don't think I'll keep reading it past chapter four, either. Don't get me wrong, you're doing something interesting, and doing it well, but this is a flavor of grimdark that just puts me off completely.
Suspense and inescapable fate? Sure, I love that, and I've written it.
Shock factor and gore? Fine, not my favorite thing to read, but I can, and I've written that, too.
Relentless grinding hopelessness and the destruction of someone's character? That just hurts my soul.
That said, the atmosphere you create is thoroughly oppressive. Everything from Twilight's treatment at the hooves of the others, to the abuses the others have clearly suffered already, to the filth and stench you describe, all help give the impression that Twilight's situation is truly hopeless.
If I had any complaints (beyond it causing me physical distress at her suffering and, again, hurting my soul) it would be that the opening was a bit too short and abrupt, Twilight going to sleep without any protection like that felt like an Idiot Ball moment, and the lack of explanation regarding how she was captured and what's blocking her magic starts to become frustrating. The above together serve to give the impression that the entire setup and opening chapter are an excuse plot to put Twilight through hell without any means of escape.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kill things with an axe in Skyrim until my soul quits hurting, and then I'm going back to writing stories about Fluttershy in love.
3718349
You're right. I've probably placed at least a search for the cause of this, in particular, too far into the story. Something for me to consider.
I'll also have to see if I agree with and can fix the Idiot Ball moment. You make a good point, and although I don't think Twilight could've reasonably expected what actually happened, it does seem a little odd to sleep without protection when worried about timber wolves.
Thank you for this. Atmosphere has been one of my weaknesses in the past.
It's good to know I'm making progress.
Anyway, I particularly can't fault anyone who leaves rather than face what's coming in Chapter Five (and parts of Six). It is at least as bad as you imagine, and the whole thing is a bit of a personal thing for myself in the first place; I never expected a positive response. Just remember that if you change your mind, it always is darkest before the dawn. It gets better. This is an Adventure story, after all.
Anyway, thank you for the feedback!
3718449
I may yet come back to it, if only to see how it's resolved and find out what all those crystal ponies are doing there. And nine times out of ten, that spoiler'd bit is the whole reason I write Dark (the tenth time, I'm writing horror), but I think a lot of that comes from watching Doctor Who.
So while I want answers to the questions your story presents, I think I'll have to wait until you finish it so I'm not stuck waiting for Twilight to find relief from her torment.
I think I'll just put the whole thing in spoilers this time, and be very careful with my post, as apparently comments are broken at the moment and can't be edited.
You've definitely improved on the emotional impact of the fifth chapter, though you did include the tail end of a rape scene in the process. Tastefully-enough handled, as far as the subject ever can be. You've brought that queasy feeling back to my stomach that I always had in Chapters 2-4, and with the return of that stress and Twilight's clear discomfort with how she finds relief, it overpowers the sense of hope that Luna's presence would otherwise provide. It's gone from a clear light at the end of the tunnel to simply emphasizing how broken Twilight is, while still foreshadowing that eventual conclusion.
It also now feels clear that Twilight loses herself because she wants to - she doesn't want to be the one that stands up and fights any more. She's too worn down. The progression of her loss of self is clearer now, in that. Though maybe that strong impression comes from me having only read Chapter One and Chapter Five this time, to see the edits. I think you have a clear trend or theme of exhaustion and surrender here, but you might lose track of it slightly in the interim. Or maybe you've fixed it now, and I'm being overly critical on that point. I'd have to re-read it fully to say for certain, and I'm not doing that until I either pare down my "read later" backlog a little, or finish a project or two of my own.
Two other quick notes. Nice, simple explanation of Twilight's safety measures failing in Chapter One. She still ought to have warded the passages to the caves, but that's a believable oversight if her concerns were Timber Wolves. It also clarifies that Twilight was taken by something inside the caves. Also, I notice that Two talks like a Diamond Dog. If he is, how does Twilight not notice and comment on it? I understand she was blindfolded, but she did spend part of the walk pressed up against him - though maybe she was just too worn out to think about it. Also, if I'm right about the Diamond Dog thing, I applaud you for making MLP's monsters monstrous. The trend seems to be to lighten them further and turn them into gags or sympathetic characters. And what's a fantasy setting without proper monsters?
Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers...
3820692
Thank you once again for your commentary. I did want to explain one thing...
Two's not a Diamond Dog.
Now, to the rest, thank you for your thoughts, your feedback, your everything! I've really appreciated your posts.
I'll have a re-examination of 2-4 just in case...
3821554 Ah. I overlooked that line, it seems.
I wonder if Twilight will ever escape (or get rescued) from these slave caves
The prospect of being a broodmare for some brute savages for the rest of her days is definitely not a pleasant one. With her physical and mental condition already in shambles, the eventual recovery will certainly be anything but easy, or quick 
I only hope that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel 
Also, why are those slavers living in caves where they can grow only fungi? Isn't the outside world vast enough for them to live? Or maybe they are the descendants of ponies from some perilous times long past (seeing as some of them are crystal ponies, perhaps from the age of slavery when Sombra reigned?) and simply don't know that the outside world is already safe (not to mention more civilized)? You better resolve this in the future chapters
You should consider submitting this for a review, along with some of your other fics.
3860178
Feedback is nice.
That seems like a good idea.
Stand by for review
Congrats! Your story as been reviewed.
This awesome link right here!
Also, here is a Dirty Sapphire from the Gem Hunters! (You see what I did there?)
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/003/8/2/dirty_gems_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70oqab.jpg
I have a feeling this can only get kinkier
Finally started reading this and it is fucked up.
I love it.
I want an update!
4244595
I want a cure for writer's block!
It's weird, I keep getting blocked with this and Salvation.
4244618 Go outside and start running like if Molestia herself targeted you as prey.
4244635
I don't understand why I should run from this.
4244638 Okay then... Replace 'Molestia' with 'Iron Will'.
4244645
Still not seeing the problem...
4244653
Oh, screw it. Replace 'Iron Will with 'a hydra. In heat. With four ***** and an oversized ******** with *******s that flap like ***** ****** when she ***** *** ****** in you.' 
4244670
I'll exhaust myself running from that!
4244677 I'd exhaust myself running towards that.
This track fits perfectly as this story's theme.
4540678
This one too.
4846170 I like this one. It really reminds me of 'The Legend of Edmund Fitzgerald' in terms of music.
Uhhh... Wow. You weren't kidding about this one. While it is well-written, if a bit rushed in the jump from the first chapter to Twilight waking up in the cage, this is officially the darkest thing of yours I've read. Poor Twi.
Have another upvote! (I'll have to read and hopefully fave something of yours that isn't too dark for me.
)
i dont get it.
Just wish I could know how you had planned to end this.
You know, this may sound weird but when I 1st saw the title I thought it was going to be a story where Twilight goes on vacation and finds a island with lesbian ponies. There she will learn to love and understand herself and discover that loving mares and maybe fillies as well isn't a bad thing. This was a sadder story instead, but I hope that one day you come back to it and complete it with Twilight escaping with her magic back, and her rescuing all the crystal ponies and slaves there that may be a remainder from when Sombra controlled the Crystal Empire.