Rarity's obsession with loving and protecting her little sister goes too far.
Pre-reading by TimberWolf65
[Now approved by Twilight's Library!]
[Based on a dream.]
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 9th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2017
Proper Noun
Banned by request. See y'all around.
Proper Noun
Joined 9th Jun, 2013 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Proper Noun · 8.2k words · 130 15 · 2.6k views
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Just to be sure she killed Sweetiebelle right?
3681910
Close enough.
Well, I guess dreams are pretty random, huh?
3681971
My dreams? Yeah, they really can be.
3681974 Yeah, for some reason my hands decided to forget that word...
How happy! I love a good slice of life fic!
3682013
*Snrk*
Thank you.
Nice. That's one strange dream, though.
3682015 Welcome
I'm going to drink a gallon of milk now, if you'd excuse me.
3682021
Sweet dreams.
3682020
We're actually still working on a story for an even stranger one...
3682024 Wha- HOW COULD IT GET STRANGER THAN CRYSTAL SWEETIE?!!
3682032
... you'll see.
I have no mouth, and I must scream
That's probably Sweetie's thoughts
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AndIMustScream
3682082
That phrase actually flashed through my mind when I was finishing the story.
3682037 Oh god...
3682311
Thank you! I try not to be too predictable.
And this is my favorite kind of darkfic - no gore, no Cupcakes, just something terribly wrong with an otherwise Slice-Of-Life scenario that plays out to an inevitably grim (or sometimes, when done well, simply very somber) end.
I bumped it over to "Read Later" when it was still 50/50 on it's rating, and wasn't expecting much. I was pleasantly surprised by it, and am glad to see it's rating has been adjusting to reflect its real merits.
That said, two or three criticisms, depending how you want to count them. First, it dragged in the middle a bit, from Sweetie going to school through her finding Diamond Tiara. I just skimmed that part and was pulled out of the story when it should have been building suspense. Also, the dismissive tone from the doctor seemed very odd, as did Rarity's explanation regarding Diamond Tiara, and her father's discussion with Rarity.
Well, this gets an A for originality. This is "Creepshow" for ponies material. I like it so it gets an upvote and a watch.
o.o Well written, but...
I'mma be over there... with my blankie.
3683524
3683124
Thank you both very much!
3683025
Actual writing feedback! Dear Luna, YES!!
Great writing and quite scary
Might we get a second chapter to save Sweetie?
It is kind of cruel to leave her like that. DT can stay though, she's kind of a bitch.
Good stuff, quite an enjoyable little story!
Inanimate TF is always an interesting read, and you captured the dark aspect of it really well.
Oh, and what was the deal with the orange juice? Any significance, or was it just supposed to resemble the opposite of milk, so it was the cure?
I'm a little torn with this one. On one hand, it's a terrifying concept and a good dark story because of that.
On the other, it has a few elements that just feel iffy. Cheerilee sending Sweetie out and making her apologise seems a bit out of nowhere, for one thing. The plot itself is scary and certainly memorable, but it has the problem of not being very likely.
Hear me out on this one, because it's not just a criticism of "could never happen".
If the milk had done something that other ponies would never notice, Sweetie Belle's torment would be lasting and new victims would keep piling in. As it stands, somepony will figure it out eventually and bring justice. Princess Luna and Twilight come to mind. The issue isn't that it's too far removed from the show, the issue is that dark things like this, scary stuff, is scary because it feels like something final and that could happen. While this story certainly lingers (I couldn't get it out of my head for a bit), it just falls flat when contemplating the next step. Someone else gets the milk, so what? There's a cure being worked on, the antidote is already there, at least three ponies will know something is up soon, and the milk isn't even what really caused it, going by the explanation. Unless there's spellcasting involved on the milk, in which case never mind. But to top it all off, there's evidence the culprit cannot get rid of by any means.
What I'm trying to get at is: in dark stories where there is a culprit, said culprit will have a means of getting away with it. For pure mind control (just as an example), that's a means of parading subjects in public without arousing suspicion. For kidnapping, that's erasing tracks and getting an alibi. For this story, either the crime needs to be covered up or the alibi needs to be solid. Right now it's neither. So faving for the deep dark feels, but not voting yet because of the execution.
3685657
Well, hi, and thank you for your compliments!
To your question: Primarily, Rarity wanted to keep Sweetie Belle drinking her milk. With my headcanon of the available drinks in her household being water, milk, and various juices, Sweetie Belle's response to juice after a month of milk, milk, milk, is like a child's (which she is) on Halloween.
There was also going to be an acid vs calcium thing (orange juice actually gives me acid problems, so it would be fun to play it as Coke vs egg shell), but that ended up not making it into the story.
3685430
I'm sorry. I'll try to be nicer next time.
3685429
Why, thank you!
3685679
Whoo, well first off, thank you for the feedback. No, really.
I'm not going to respond point-by-point, as a critique is not a debate, but I do want to say:
1) I'm thinking and processing the feedback I've received so far quite a bit, this included. I consider it useful and important.
2) That this story is entirely from Sweetie's perspective makes certain things outside its scope. While there are various hints, this take on Rarity is not much of a gloater. There is no pony here who will go, "Ha ha ha, foolish victim, here is my horrible plan!" and so Sweetie Belle doesn't get the whole picture. She may never know.
3685882
. It was only one thing that put me off, and I'm pretty sure I usally have a more forgiving policy regarding upvoting stories (blame the holiday confusion for the delay 
). Really, it's a niche story, but it's good in its niche. It says in the comments you're coming up with more weird stuff, and I, for one, hope you do. If there's any more remark I can give, it would be to add descriptions to your MacGuffins. The milk being drunk isn't described quite as much as it could be (cool, soft taste, very filling, apparently), and if you do go down the route of other strange TF stories, it's a good way to get the reader to feel what is happening to the protagonist.
Good point on the perspective. Hadn't really considered the 'whole story' angle, but the overall remarks still stand. You know what? Have an upvote, regardless
tl; dr: for future stories, consider how much you make the reader feel for the transformation, and consider how much the reader has felt the things leading up to it. Basically ask yourself if you want the reader to be able to taste the poison.
Not that I have any experience writing things as deeply disturbing as this *whistles innocently
* just throwing out a layman's opinion.
I bet Sweetie Belle is like
3693134
"Poor Sweetie?" Oh, but she'll be ever so much safer this way, darling! Surely you understand.
... some warm milk for your tears, perhaps?
3696876
I like another commenter's take on it.
i279.photobucket.com/albums/kk134/tucksman/600full-i-have-no-mouth-and-i-must-scream-cover.jpg
3699111
"I agre-"
'A shredding noise is heard.'
"Hey, who turned out the lights?"
I approach Rarity.
Holy crap, man. I'm a little torn about this. It's hypocritical of me to be put off by grim things happening to my favorite filly since I did that myself, but that was just cruel. This story was horrible in the best way. As in I felt it was a great horror story. I figured something was off about the milk pretty early on. When Sweetie got into the crafts room was when it all came together and I realized what was happening. Poor little Sweetie Belle.
I'm no critic, but I feel this was a well-crafted and sufficiently-creepy horror story that left me feeling a bit uneasy. Upvoted, but not fav'd because I'm not really into horror stories. Great work, as far as I'm concerned.
3717845
Well dang, I'm pretty sure that's the most positive public response I've gotten to any of my stories.
I'm flattered. Thank you!
Fuck, I just drank a huge glass of milk.
I liked it. Slice-of-Life darkfics are great.
Oh, damn.
Whoa, this is pretty good.
3718279
I'm glad you enjoyed it, although I already told you this more personally. 
Thank you!
3718105
And thanks to you as well!
3718034
I wouldn't worry so much about something as innocent as milk, my dear.
3719796
Lol rock joint
An interesting and creepy story. Good job
3749395
Thank you!
p.s. Yes, Rockjoint was totally a Skyrim reference.
Great fic /)
Well written, but far too out of character for me to enjoy, with plot holes that utterly destroyed my Willing Suspension of Disbelief.
I adore what you've attempted though! Really!
It's just...
I mean, really, I got to the scene with the stiffness and called poisoning, though I initially expected Rarity to have the antidote so she could endlessly 'save' her sister, the title filled in the rest and Diamond just explained the gaps. That's not a bad thing, just because the 'twist' was predictable from a mile off, because what could have made that work would have been how creepily, perfectly in character Sweetie and Rarity were.
And they just weren't. Rarity was broken just to force this square peg into a round hole.
3756550
Thank you.
3767765
And I hope you enjoyed the story despite these perceived flaws. 
Well... you're welcome to your opinion.
One step off the deep end, Jesus Christ.
I normally don't like Dark fics, and this was no exception. My one complaint about this story was that I felt it was too exposition heavy in the end. We really didn't need to know the nitty-gritty of how Rarity did it.
That said, me not liking it does not make it a bad story. It is a fantastically creepy story, and one well worthy of this.
24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
Wear it with pride, crazy author;
-Lumino
Well shit first was Rainbow Factory i went scared of rainbow colors a week then Cupcakes i couldnt eat them for a month then this makes me be scared shitless of Rarity and milk
and thats my way to say great fic
random moustache
Oooh, look at that pretty purple ribbon. You made it into Princess Star-butt's library! I'd be surprised if it didn't make it. Congratulations!
3788361
3788629
3789105
Oh, my! Thank you, thank all of you!
Dang, just dang....
This is going on my top fave stories list.
Seriously, great job!
Interesting for an attempt at a short dark story. Unfortunately the short buildup kind of killed the suspense. We were at the reveal/end long before we had much chance to feel like anything was wrong.
I somewhat expected the orange juice to actually matter.