Coco Pommel returns to Manehattan and faces homelessness, the coming Winter, and the wrath of Suri Polomare.
New cover art used with permission from TellabArt!
Pre-read by TimberWolf65
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 9th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2017
Proper Noun
Banned by request. See y'all around.
Proper Noun
Joined 9th Jun, 2013 ·
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Not bad. I will say I would have liked a little more interaction between Suri and Coco, as the scene felt mildly hurried, and the ending seems a little inconclusive. Of course, I can't really fault a story for being open-ended. I can't say it was phenomenal, but then neither was it trying to be phenomenal. Overall, though, I'd say this was a decent vignette.
I liked it though I wish the redeeming part was a bit more stretched out. The punch-line just happened and then mood just switched too fast.
3797913
Redemption? What redemption?
I'm glad you liked it, though, and thank you for the favourite!
This wasn't bad, but it felt a little rushed, especially the scene with Suri. And I think it'd be better as a multi-chapter story instead of just a one-shot.
Also, I feel like the Dark tag wasn't the best for this. It just wasn't that dark.
3797942
I wasn't trying to spoil the ending when I said that. I was trying to refer to story structure and type of ending you had. And the tag. I thought it would go from bad to worse from your summary. I expected a unpleasant ending but instead, it redeemed. It shifted into a happy coincidence tone
The way the story flowed, Coco is out on her luck and goes home, tells a horrible secret and comes across someone who helps her back on her feet.
When the ending came, the telling secret part just didn't feel resolved. I wish Coco all the luck but that ending was really abrupt and unsatisfying to me. But maybe, it was my own expectations that led me astray. I very much enjoyed the rest of it, though.
3797974
Thank you. Also, my account is basically one big short-story collection.
3797981
I see. Thank you for your feedback!
3797984
You can hide text between the spoiler and /spoiler (in brackets) tags, by the way.
I think I failed to convey that the only way Coco manages to get back on her hooves is by adopting Suri's manipulative tactics. Ah well, always a next time!
Thank you for your feedback.
I'm legitimately not sure what I feel about Coco here. On the one hand, I'm glad she got a happy ending for herself, but on the other, I wish she accomplished that without the deception. I almost want to say that what Suri really took from her was her faith in others.
Also, first post from my new smartphone. Spoiler tags are a pain to make on a touch screen.
3799262
You have no idea how quickly I tabbed over when I saw you posted.
To spoiler: That's the #2 reason for the Dark tag. What you say is pretty much hitting the nail on the head, per usual.
p.s. Good luck with the smartphone!
This story hit me like a punch in the throat. The reason it did so is because Coco and Suri's relationship kinda mirrors what my life was like numerous years ago. And the one that Suri would represent, she had become a mother figure in my life.
In the beginning, I never realized that she was the mother straight from the movie, Mommy Dearest. I literally became her slave, taking care of the household, and basically financially supporting her even. And she was just as vindictive, cruel, and a lying bitch as Suri is in your story.
I still live with the emotional and mental scars to this day. But I am getting better. It has been years since I have last seen her, and I am slowly healing, thanks to the support of a few TRUE friends, that I consider to be family now.
3858118
I'm not sure if I can say I'm glad you could connect with this story, because the reason you can do so is crappy stuff that shouldn't happen.
But I'm glad you liked the story (I think?).
This is... really interesting. Good job.
3858566
Huh, interesting.
>this feel
Right in the feels
COCO!!!!!
So Suri was Coco's mom? I was a little confused in that.
6418391
Ayup. And it's definitely not fun and games...
6418396 That's awful...ly good