Banned by request. See y'all around.
Human in Equestria16,985 stories ·16,830 members
The Writers' Group56,419 stories ·9,294 members
Dark8,315 stories ·3,764 members
Transformations5,232 stories ·5,794 members
TF/TG813 stories ·2,246 members
Unusual Humans in Equestria813 stories ·2,653 members
I thought that maybe, just maybe, this "Butterfly Cult" would know what happened to my boyfriend, or be responsible for it.
As it turned out, nothing was quite what it seemed. I got in way over my head, but at least I had a Plan B, right?
Page generated in 0.156 seconds
Total duration
1,122 users online
1,670,119 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well. That happened.
The story's good, I suppose, but I feel like it would have been better if you'd paced it a little slower, made it a little longer, and didn't totally cop out on one of the Queen's answers.
The story being in the present tense was an interesting choice, and makes sense in context I suppose. The only big complaint I have is that this doesn't seem to go anywhere. This feels more like the prologue to a much bigger project than a stand-alone story.
Now that was refreshing. Rather than the pitfalls most writers succumb to, you've managed to tell a rather convincing tale in a first person perspective. The character doesn't know everything, events happen faster than they can think, and their inner monologue even gets interrupted instead of droning on for 5 chapters.
Short and sweet, but better for it I think given the subject matter. Dragging it out would've just cheapened the impact of the end. Bravo!
Stay different. It's what will make your writing special instead of just-another-fic.
edit: Also you were right about the 3 chapter thing, it flows better than being in 2 chapters.
2699655
2701214
Thank you both for your thoughts!
After leaving the story alone for a few days, I've come to this conclusion as well. There's a lack of driving conflict or sense that anything is at stake, so instead, stuff just happens to the protagonist (it's stuff that makes sense, sure, but that just isn't as exciting a story model).
Some deep revisions may be in store. However, I'm going to let this sit a while longer before doing them, so I can come at it from a fresh perspective (and hopefully not ruin its strong points at the same time).
Again, thankyou both!
p.s. At least in my mind, Chrysalis wouldn't have known the answer to the question she "copped out" on (I've had an actual answer kicking around my head for a while). I'll figure out what, if anything, can be done about that later.
I don't agree with Woolytop's comment. It is different from most stories, but delivers in a way that can be identified with.
The only thing I feel is that the third chapter may feel a little rushed to some. Maybe add some more details about the feelings when passing out / returning to consciousness?
An interesting and, as far as I'm aware, unique concept; though I'm not too fond of the pacing. But good job, nonetheless.
2879866
Thank you on all counts.
Non-destructive criticism is certainly appreciated.
I do like to write my own concepts, even if they're experimental and don't go over well as a result.
2883477
I know what you mean; I try to do the same.
Comments below this post relate to a previous draft.
Oh, and feedback's always welcome.
OK. This is good. Please continue.
(posted on front page, not chapter 4)
This looks like a unique premise, and if I remember correctly, this author's screenname is ironic.
*dives into chapter 1*
3641032
Thank you! I try to be...
Well, the dark tag fits pretty well. This is creepier than headless Discord (remember when he corrupted Pinkie?) combined with every other creepy thing I know of (Discord was just the first thing to come to mind).
Still creepy as fuck and given that I found this through Twisted Spectrum's TF/TG group, I'm guessing the transformation was done while the protagonist was out cold.
This is really creepy. I do want to know what happens next, but that would lessen the impact of the story.
(actually posted after I read through ch4)
The creepiness has subsided and is replaced by fascination and concern for Adrian... or Maple Syrup, as I suppose she now is. Speaking of which:
Yes. Gays are too chaotic.
3641170
Sorry, but I don't get it...
3641175 really? I thought that was a good lampshade!
Edit: that is to say, the most logical reason for the magic of Harmony to do a transgender is that it makes the affected one straight.
3641187
Oh wait, wait. That kind of chaos.
Sorry, it's around 12 hours past my usual bedtime...
Anyway! Thank you for your feedback! That's probably more valuable than any of the upvote/downvote/fave stuff FiMFiction does.
3641196 lol no problem. See edit of my previous comment to be sure that you understand what I mean.
Edit: and yeah I hate it when people complain about my chapter-by-chapter feedback just because it "spams" the front page. Oh and you've replied already. Should we maybe take this to a PM chain?
3641201
...oh.
Nah, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works, considering the absurd amount of gay and lesbian shipping that happens.
More seriously - wait, no. I'm not going to turn my story thread into yet another debate about LGBT stuff.
3641218 I'm sorta kidding (though Lampshading fits better. I'm serious but trying to rationalize "Harmony" doing a transgender), and don't really care to debate it.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. it's too short, kind of, except as a vignette, but when taken as such it's pretty good. Terrifying, in a way, but neat.
Oohh my
Sequel has a syllable or two?
3664564
There isn't a sequel or epilogue.
What are you seeing? Could you PM me a screenshot?
3664581 I was asking just to say:
One word, two syllables: SEQUEL!
3664587
Ooooh! I see now! I'm very glad you enjoyed the story.
I do have a few ideas for what could happen next, though they need some time brewing in the back of my head.
excellent story!
I like it. It's creepy, and it leaves a sense of something much larger, so I want a sequel.
Also, I feel like I'm missing something here about Adrian's friend Greg. I didn't really understand where the comments about wondering how greg feels and wanting to hug him for year came from.
3666477
3665493
Thank you both very much.
Hmm, so captured by a changeling, transformed and gender swapped. I was worried I was supposed to take issue with his (her?) sexuality, but I suppose it's best to wait and see.
Yes, ahem. It seems like a workable premise, and we still have a healthy amount of things we don't know. Things like, why is Chrysalis mass gathering people into a Matrix system? (wait, that kinda answered itself, didn't it?) Or perhaps, what will happen to Maple next?
We have potential here!
Keep going! ;)
So uh... Chrysalis is opening portals to steal humans because she can drain them when they're ponies? Why not just steal regular ponies? I don't like how the police got dealt with so easily, but that was just McSadface's speculation so it's probably not true. This was an average story I guess. There wasn't any conflict in it. Not exactly sure what the point was.
There are deleted comments. I did not control myself and did not avoid getting into an argument. Sorry to websterhamster and anyone who had to see all that.
Further posts referring to human beings (real or not) as "it", or attempting to justify such, will simply be deleted without comment.
Interesting, some scenes I don't get, He was picked by nose, because I don't get why he talk so much about his nose? Or maybe it was that I read it in car
Damn, that was pretty dark. Not as Dark as Drink Your Milk, Sweetie, but still really close.
I know you had told me that this was an M/M story before I read it, but given that the protagonist's inner voice and actions were very gender neutral, I can see why this wasn't immediately spotted by some. I'm surprised no one picked up on Greg, poor guy.
Pretty good story.
Upvote from me. (No fave because... too Dark for my re-reading tastes. It still was really well-written though.)
Huh. I think I like weirdly sympathetic Chrysalis. And Maple/Adrian's reaction to the whole thing felt kind of real to me (I mean, he/she lost literally everything of worth in a fairly short amount of time. What use fighting in the face of that?). The whole kidnapping thing, though, doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. Being that humans, unlike equestrians, have no actual frame of reference for magic or changelings, wouldn't hiding in plain sight, feeding on freely given love be a safer course of action than risking a multiple front interplanetary (interdimensional?) war? It would also give the changelings a diplomatic leg up in the event of discovery.
Anyway, good story. I hope there's going to be more of this world.
6351424
To a degree, I would imagine that's what Adrian's boyfriend was doing. The issue is that the headcanon used in this story gives the changelings very limited resources; they can't just dispatch all of their number to Earth to survive and thrive because the portal spell to/from Earth are resource-intensive, and Chrysalis's hive was devastated by the failure to take Canterlot. They also can't just transfer food between themselves, so they have to move the source - humans, or ponies - to their main hive, and they can't move their main hive to Earth all at once.
Hence his boyfriend being chastised; not bringing food home is a serious dereliction of duty.
Also, I think Chrysalis believes humans to be an insignificant threat; they do not possess magic to counter-attack anywhere that actually matters, due to their inability to portal over to Equestria or wherever the changeling hive is, so anything they can actually do is limited to their own territory (Earth).
Seeing as you appear to be reading them all anyway, I'll mention there are some similar changeling shenanigans in one of my other stories. I believe you've not read it yet, but if you enjoyed this Chrysalis, I think you'll like that one too.
6351494
Unfortunately it looks that way. I'm supposed to be chipping away at my read it later list, not adding to it.
Ah. Okay. I was yondering under the assumption that the portals were naturally occurring phenomena, sort of like thin spots where our two realities chafe together.
6351669
Yepperoni. Noperoni?
Side note: I've occasionally considered using the touches of world-building done in this story for future fics, but I've never come up with anything compelling to do with them.
this is actually a good story. I wish there was a sequel to this
6721717
Well, thank you.
I can't say I haven't considered it, but I'm not starting anything until I have a concrete idea.