Well, reviewing fanfiction isn't exactly my area of expertise, but you asked, and therefore I shall deliver.
While there weren't many actual grammatical errors there was one.
(probably some greater power or a mad pony, like happened with the Crystal Empire)
Honestly, though, that was a minor error and very easily forgivable. As for the story itself, I liked it. The writing was fairly good and you're working with an interesting concept. I'm honestly interested in seeing where exactly you plan to take this. That being said, there's really not much I can say about it this early on. I'll gladly come back and do this again after you've uploaded a few more chapters, if you'd like.
3669888 Hi! Thank you for the critique. I know there isn't much story yet. Sorry.
Just place "what" between the underlined words and it will be fine.
After re-examining the crime scene, the Grammar Police determined further editing was necessary. The site has been overhauled, and now conforms to police standards.
Well, reviewing fanfiction isn't exactly my area of expertise, but you asked, and therefore I shall deliver.
While there weren't many actual grammatical errors there was one.
Honestly, though, that was a minor error and very easily forgivable. As for the story itself, I liked it. The writing was fairly good and you're working with an interesting concept. I'm honestly interested in seeing where exactly you plan to take this. That being said, there's really not much I can say about it this early on. I'll gladly come back and do this again after you've uploaded a few more chapters, if you'd like.
3669888
Hi! Thank you for the critique. I know there isn't much story yet. Sorry.
After re-examining the crime scene, the Grammar Police determined further editing was necessary. The site has been overhauled, and now conforms to police standards.
3669930 Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to report to precinct for demotion.