- Member Since 9th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2017
Proper Noun
Banned by request. See y'all around.
Proper Noun
Joined 9th Jun, 2013 ·
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MOAR PLS
Really hard to blame her for that ending.
It's rather the side of FoE we don't really see that often. But the side that probably happens a very great deal. The weak people suffering the death of hope. Decade after decade of them. And quick, pointless, bloody little interludes between horrid people, with the innocent in the middle.
Much respect for being able to write a little self-contained vignette like this. If I tried to write this same moment in time, it'd probably be some kind of 16k word mess of florid depression or something.
It's really tempting me to go and write something like the story of some failed or failing community or somesuch. But alas, plate is too full, as is.
Thanks for adding your story to the Fallout Equestria Group! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Ahhhhhhhh! Da feelz! There has to be MORE!
I honestly had a sigh of relief with that last sentence, good writing as always.
4238752
Not only does it scan to the number shown, but the number is a UPC for 'Dancing Colors Marque Kleenex' '145 Tissues' I guess it's because this story makes you cry! Or maybe some folks might find other uses for the tissues after reading this story, I don't know.
I enjoyed this story. It grabbed me right away. It really seemed to capture the essence of being enslaved and victimized, and it actually had a proper character arc! (Sadly on fimfiction you can't take that for granted :p) The main character seemed to go through all the various stages of grief, all the way up to the rather poignant 'acceptance' at the end.
I also liked that the story actually had some resolution. It had a place it was going and it went there, and it wasn't afraid to be bold. (Sadly this is something else you can't take for granted, although that's the way it should be.)
I can't say I enjoyed the ending, though. I'll put some spoiler tags on this part just in case someone's reading the comments before the story.
I actually had to read the last sentence a couple times to understand it, because my mind just couldn't grok that Star came to this grand cathartic decision to do ... what? something she could have done any time she wanted just by talking back or running away?
It seemed to be playing up the point that she's committing this act of defiance. Oh no, she's not giving it back, she's going to KEEP that remote control, and by golly, she's going to do... exactly the same thing she could have done at any time even if she didn't keep it
I wish she just took the transmitter and ran. She'd be just as dead, only she would have died free, doing something she couldn't have done without it.
4370965
Graci. I appreciate the critique, and not only the positive points. I actually fixed a couple of consistency errors (it's been almost a month since I wrote the original chapter, and there wasn't going to be an additional ~5k word "origin story") while I was poking through the things you were talking about. Talk about useful.
Now, the spoilered part...
Star's deathly afraid of being taken up to Fillydelphia; the reference to the horrible ways slaves die there, at the start of the chapter, is supposed to hint at this. Red-Eye's slavers are specifically out to collect ponies to take there (per the original Fallout: Equestria and everything she's heard), so she knows she can't be headed anywhere else.
Acquiring her detonator is a momentary freedom, yes. But giving it to the slaver doesn't represent slavery, which she's been content with for a long time and isn't sure she can live without anymore (due to an overdeveloped dependence on ownership) - it represents everything she's heard about the horrible ways every slave who goes to Fillydelphia dies. It's not like she's afraid of being shot - any slaver pointing a gun at an unarmed, unarmored slave probably has no intention of pulling the trigger. Slavers can and will take the weak (such as Star) alive whenever possible, and she doesn't have anywhere to run. As far as she's concerned, her choice is between a clean death by her own hooves or a really, really bad one in Fillydelphia.
It's not defiance. It's fear.
But what you're telling me is that I've mis-communicated somewhere along the line, using the wrong words here or there to give the wrong impressions about why she does what she does.
I'm going to have to take a look at this.
Thank you again for your thoughts. I wish I could upvote you more than once.
4371189
Another thought occurred to me (Mark of a good story, makes me think about it later :D) I think what happened to Flint wasn't really adequately explained either. I'm not sure what he did to warrant getting taken out.
I can totally believe these guys are all psycho enough to do it, but all I remember is them saying something like 'you almost broke her'. I don't know if a little anal sex would ruin her, and if it would, why did they let him start?
In my mind's eye more stuff happened to Star, she was just too out of it to realize it, although I would have rather seen some detail.
On a side note... this sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine with the actual games themselves (and lots of media in general). Everyone seems to wait to die until they get in front of the camera. They make it through decades of life in the harsh wastelands, only to happen to all die in this brief span of time as it becomes convenient for the plot.
I wish the game would show me why this situation is special. Why it led to this character dying now, of all times. What makes it different from the rest of their lives? Was there some rare mistake? And if it was just bad luck, I feel like that should be acknowledged overtly by dialog or exposition, and bad luck shouldn't be the reason every single time.
The game spends a lot of effort showing you how people die in the wasteland, and not much effort showing you how they manage to survive. I mean, you'd think they'd be really good at survival, and there could be more exposition toward showing how ingenious and clever and extremely careful you have to be just to live to adulthood, but instead they show the opposite. Everyone's a moron who loves to run in guns blazing, and too greedy to remember that they're dealing with dangerous people. Oh well.
Also there are more raiders than anyone else, population wise. That's unsustainable. I know why they did it. They want to have lots of challenges for the player, and making giant cities swimming with people to counter the enemy population might hurt the feeling of it being a wasteland, and might not be technically feasible. Although they seemed to do it a bit in New Vegas (And Fallout 2 actually did a lot to play up the 'Society is starting to rebuild itself' angle, describing cities as getting big and starting to get bureaucratic governments and planned communities)
Also yeah I noticed some of those inconsistencies, and I could tell the two chapters were written at different times. I didn't keep notes though so I didn't remember what they were.
By the way I'd suggest adding the Tragedy tag.
I've ranted enough for now :D
4373218
Done. I'd already been considering it.
Feel free to poke through the story again if you like, but I think/hope I fixed them. Like the whole name thing.
When anal sex goes wrong and you start perforating the colon or causing tears in the anus (or both), things get bad, fast. Tis shown in part by the blood and pain and so on and the necessity of a healing potion. This was apparently not clear enough in the writing. But like you, I don't think the slavers would've expected him to hurt her like that.
Yeah. I've spent too much time playing Fo3 and New Vegas...
This story felt way too contrived to elicit any feels from me. The conflict and character arc depends on portraying slavery A as being better than slavery B, and the contrast feels really bland and simplistic. Slavery is slavery; while trying to set up different shades of it is possible, it is also extremely difficult, and this story doesn't do it well.
As 4370965 already pointed out, the entire point of slave collars is to coerce by threat of death. The slave mentality portrayed in Fallout relies on victims avoiding it, on being too scared of it to be proactive. This story and its ending are just too sloppy and inconsistent to make the decision at the end believable.
The narration doesn't help in this regard--there are very uneven levels of description. I get you wanted to make the protagonist sound bored/drilled with routine, but you jump around with sentence length and description density so much that it just feels choppy. The way the sex is described from the first chapter to the next is the most obvious, but other smaller bits of exposition have the same problems.
Downvote from me.
4424396
There are some points to consider here, for sure. For example, the first and second chapters are very different in tone and even somewhat in style. I had to make edits just for continuity's sake, and a few more in response to Mercury Zero. And it all somewhat shows.
I should mention, though, this isn't supposed to be a story with a moral. Aside from various heroics, Fallout: Equestria is a very gray-and-black morality world - Littlepip is an anomaly. The only possible moral here is everything sucks if you're one of "the weak." The choice is supposed to be death A vs death B, although it seems that despite some editing this still isn't clear.
While I get that this isn't always easy to lay a finger on, if you could point out anything specific that misled you about this, that would be helpful (seeing as my first and second round of edits have apparently missed it).
4429216 I didn't really feel "misled"--the Tragedy, Dark, Mature and Gore tags are clue enough that the story is going to be nihilistic and unpleasant. The execution was just blander than I had expected, and as a result I didn't end up connecting or sympathizing with the character.
I've never read any Fallout: Equestria stories--I was mostly basing my judgements off the actual Fallout universe.
4429431
Fairnuff.
Thank you for your input.
I actually really liked it. It's dark and unforgiving, and left me feeling thoughtful yet empty. I also enjoyed that it was very short and a fully contained story. It's written fairly well, so no complaints there. Flints betrayal is no surprise at all, though his return was really bad and didn't feel like it fit with the rest of the story. By that I mean it seemed rushed and not completely thought through. I understand it's necessary for Star to realize how she was betrayed, but six years for one slave? Just to have Anal? You might want to rethink that little detail. Maybe it was something more personal than she is too nice, some other reason for betraying her. They could be married and have kids at that point. If he really was charismatic, he should have been a regular supplier for these guys. Unless 20 tries meant that he had 20 failed attempts before this one. That's a little much. I highly doubt they would forgive three failed attempts let alone 20. A male slave can do more work.
But even with that small gripe, it was a good read. Thanks for putting it out there, and I wish you got a little more feedback then what's already there. I know writers love feedback, even if it's bad...
Good show! I'd watch it again.
4435140
Thank you for the feedback. I'll probably have to take a look at that scene as well, on top of the host of other issues. Flint isn't meant to have persued Star alone in that time.
Graci.
Edit: Just to add the spoilered stuffs.
4435147
How the hell did you respond in 45 seconds? That means you read my comment and then typed and posted your response in less than a minute. I am colored impressed. Damn.
And I wouldn't worry too much about reworking this. I think it stands fairly well how it is. Write new things, don't get stuck re-writing the same thing over and over again to make all of us critics happy. That's not fun. Trust me on that. You can not win that game.
4435162
1 minute and
4530 seconds, according to fimfic.You have sound advice. Also, added a bit to my previous reply.
Thank you again.
4424396
Wait, don't you hate crossovers as a general rule?
This is a crossover.
Not really a formula for unbiased criticism...
4533015 I do hate crossovers as a general rule, and I noted in my comment here 4429431 that I was mostly treating this as a Fallout story, not a Fallout: Equestria story.
All critique has some element of opinion and subjectivity to it. Whether that invalidates the advice is a question every author has to answer for themselves.
Poor Star...
This really wouldn't be very pleasant without lube, even for the guy I think. And the blood thing... Eh, wouldn't work, or at least I don't think it would. Also, STDs galore!
Really, my main issue with this chapter is the Flint guy. Seems too pointlessly unrealistically evil, like his character was written by a heartbroken feminazi.
Awesome exactly the kind of thing I was perusing for. Thank god for fallout And kkat.
The funny thing is knowing fallout slavers and the fact that thing literally was propelled from inside a pocket over to her by a missle, it most likely wouldn't work. However either possibîility fits the univers rather well nice little read working on any other FOE?
4838446
I've considered it now and then, with the occasional abortive attempt to get another chapter going.
You probably have a point with the detonator thing, also.
Good 'ol sad stories. I love 'em. You sir get 5
/
6035998
Why thank you ma'am!
6036065 Ma'am?
6036096
Exactly!
6036216 I'm confuzzeled. Whatevs!
6036239
I am bad at hinting. What I am saying is that you are the 'sir' here.
6036279 OH! My apologies, mademoiselle.
What a wonderfully written, captivating story. Thank you for writing it.
6692343
Well, thank you.
*looks at cover image*
Why? Why? Why? Why is that there? Why does it have significance, of at all? Why are there no comments on this? Whatever, I'll read this whenever.
I'm the 69th up vote
I liked this, it was a nice little story even if it was depressing as fuck. Poor Star