Relations begin to break down between Equestria and the griffon tribes. As war approaches, new foes and alliances emerge. The mane six find themselves in a race against time to uncover dark plans and stop the griffon chief from ending their world.
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2353143 Thanks.
I should have seen something coming from you since you always nitpick my fics. Ill change it since you pointed it out. But I didn't think it was that bad...
Well good chapter
Yes I was expecting something bad to happen sooner or later, I'm exciting for future chapters and I'm hoping that Rainbow Dash makes it out alive
She will make it right?
2353786 Well... that depends she's not dead yet at least. thats all i can promise.
2353339 Really? Cause I read NGals stories and you clearly like hers and then I take a look at the comments on mine and I cant remember you ever leaving feedback that wasn't pretty much exclusively nitpicking... So I have sometimes wondered if you actually like my stories.
So good to know.
2356156 Thanks. Please let me know what you think of the other chapters. The story still has a long way to go...
Im trying to make it epic.
Like I said on DA
Oh gosh the feels. I can't help but feel so terrible for Rainbow Dash--and Fluttershy. I'd be lying so bad if I said I didn't want the tide to turn and Rainbow make it. Thou art cruel and heartless tragedy fic
I couldn't begin to describe how well written this is so far. You and nintendogal managed to really pack a punch in the feels for sure..
OMG ! so epic ! Awesome chapter. I'm waiting excited the next one
Well I'm curious on the relic they gryphons are looking for. From a story perspective I have to assume RD survives as killing her off right now doesn't seem to make sense in my mind, but I can be wrong. It's a good story with only a few spelling errors and ill-used *can't think of another word for it* words. RD is very cutesy in this fic which is fine, though I have to admit if it goes much farther it may become too syrupy for my taste.
I do like the detail you put into their relationship though, and the flashbacks are well-timed. Plus your word count is impressive for each chapter. I have to wonder what the gryphon meant when Fluttershy stared him down and he said ' It can't be you!'. Hopefully that and a description of the relic will come up next chapter. : )
Good, I wanted to see some tragedy. There is a point where the romantic fluff can draw on a bit long.
2367113 I know. And things only heat up from here. Although Im amazed I managed to have over 50k words of mainly fluff in the first place.
2361962 Thanks. Hopefully the wait won't be quite so long for the next.
2361629 Thank you. I love to know that I am geting an emotional impact in there. And its not completely heartless, even though a lot of ponies do die...Poor Dashie...
2365847 thank you for your feedback. I shal try harder with the next chapter to make sure the wording is better.
2373024
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that the whole thing is heartless. However, going by that info, I hope you can prove that the griffons will have something on the unicorns and magic... because they seem to have quite an advantage against what seems to be non-magic creatures
2374005 They don't seem to have an advantage against the magic ponies at least for now.
I'll be perfectly honest here.
I felt sorry for Rocket Launcher, and I was cheering for the griffon in that fight.
Allow me to elaborate. (This came out way longer than I anticipated...)
Rocket Launcher, as far as I could tell, did nothing wrong. He thought Fluttershy was attractive, so he wanted to date her.
What's the problem here?
People are allowed to date someone they think is attractive. It's perfectly fine to want to go out with a hot girl, even if you don't know her too well (He did know her though, as he stated when she left.)
The whole point of the first few dates is to get to know the person.
Physical attraction can blossom into actual love. (Oh love... I have things to say about that. But alas, that shall wait for another comment.)
Maybe he was intended to sound meaner, but to me he just sounded like a sweet guy trying his best, only to get treated like dirt from an ungrateful date who put zero effort into the relationship.
Also, Rainbow Dash said "He was fun to prank" and then never actually pranks him. That's just a little error that got left in though. No biggie.
Now, as for the griffon fight.
What I saw was this: A griffon walks up to them and asks them a polite question (maybe his tone is a little rude, but that's no big deal). Rainbow Dash is immediately rude to him, and refuses to even hear him out or give his question any serious consideration. Despite this, he tries his best to be polite, and get a helpful answer from this horribly rude pony.
Rainbow Dash responds by being downright racist towards him, saying that she doesn't like the way griffons act, and that Celestia should kick him out just for being a griffon!
That's insane!
That's like me hating all French people because of that one French guy who was rude to me.
That's called racism. Rainbow Dash is racist... What?
With how mean and antagonistic Rainbow Dash was, I really can't blame the griffon for getting angry.
Hell, he wasn't even the one to instigate physical violence. All he did was insult them, and then was prepared to walk away and leave it at that, when Rainbow threatened to attack him! (That was after her mention of "breaking his ugly face" that was Rainbow Dash's idea of saying hello)
Seriously, Rainbow?!
You were just insulting him (And being racist. Don't forget the racism.) a second ago! Yet when he insults Fluttershy one time you act like he's committed a war crime.
I will admit, killing Rainbow Dash would have been going to far. Even serious injury is a little much.
But she deserved a good smack down for the way she was acting.
One last point:
I don't think you know what the term "tragedy" means in a literary sense.
A tragedy is not something really sad. There's already a tag for sad stories. It's the sad tag.
Let me break it down for you.
A tragedy is specifically not sad all the time.
A tragedy is all about the emotional impact of the ending.
In a tragedy, the main character tries their best, they progress through their adventure, they come this close to winning... and then they fail. The fact that they were so close to success is what makes the ending all the more powerful, and thus a tragedy.
That's quite an oversimplification, but it's the general idea.
Generally, a tragedy will maintain hope right up to the end. In a good tragedy, there will even be a slight bright side to the ending. For example, though the main character died, all their friends grew as people, and developed as characters.
Here, have a dictionary definition:
Tragedy - “A serious drama typically describing a conflict between the protagonist and a superior force (such as destiny) and having a sorrowful or disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror.”
Basically, tragedy should not have sad things happening all the time. (not until the end)
Most importantly, a tragedy should not have a happy ending.
(note: the good guys don't actually have to lose in a tragedy, but I won't get into that here.)
Now, I'm not saying that the tag should be removed per se. That all depends on the ending, and I have no idea what the ending will actually be.
Still, I noticed that people saying this chapter made use of the tragedy tag, so I just wanted to point out that it actually does not.
Phew, sorry about the small novel. I guess I just had a lot to say.
To be honest, I have much more to say than just that, but I'm cutting myself off.
I don't want to rant too much. (Well, I sort of already have. C'est la vie.)
Anyway, I just wanted to use this last segment to let you know that I very much like this story.
It deals with some themes that are some of my favourite things in pony fiction (specifically, darkness and war ).
I will keep reading it, and I will keep enjoying it. The only reason I leave comments like this is because I truly care about the story.
If I read a story I don't like, I don't bother to give my opinion of it. When I read a story I do like, I give my opinion of the good and the bad.
Hopefully you didn't take any offense by my comment.
I have... much to say about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but that can wait. I think I've bothered you enough for one comment.
See you around. Can't wait for the next chapter!
-Zaponator
2377527 Okay... so I have a lot to work on.
Did you actulay like any of that chapter? Cause the way you were going, i was surprised to read that you like the story.
It does earn its tragedy tag, but not for a great many more chapters. But i do think it may require a sad tag too....
2377589
I actually quite enjoyed it.
I just can't help but spot things like that. (Blame my editor...)
The thing is, there's a huge difference between "enjoyable" and "technically good."
This fic is extremely enjoyable, even if it has one or two issues.
I've read fics with far more problems and still liked them.
All in all, this fic really isn't bad.
I only comment because I love the story, and I want to see it be the best it can be.
-Zaponator
2377624 Well... Im making the corrections now then. I too want this story to be the best it can be. Because with your feedback... its like... two of the importnat points fail.
2377527 To be fair, Rocket Launcher was meant to be a smooth-talking jerk who can get all the ladies with the right kind of talk, and that's why he acted all sweet, and then to be mean. We'll be fixing that, though. It may have been executed badly in showing that. To him, Fluttershy was nothing but a cute filly he could be with for a while, get his jollies, and move on to the next girl. That was the intention.
As for Fluttershy, she was not ungrateful or treating him like dirt. She just wasn't ready for anything yet and wanted to go slow. She wasn't ready for getting close or kissing just yet. Why is that so wrong? That's not ungrateful or putting no effort. She's just unsure of everything and doesn't know how to approach it.
At the same time, it's meant to have that she was too hasty in trying to date and clearly wasn't ready for it.
Looking back, the fight scene was not executed well. I really should have caught that better. However, the intent was to make the griffon aggressive and Rainbow going in there to defend Fluttershy. But it didn't work out. But we're fixing that scene, too.
2386414
I can definitely see what you were going for with the date now.
I guess I just got the vibe that Fluttershy was being mean, even though I can now see that those reasons fit perfectly.
Really, I think a little hint at the many girls he's dated before could help a lot.
I was kind of under the impression that Rocket was just as new at this as Fluttershy, and that's a lot of what made me sympathize with him.
I do have one more thing to say about the fight scene, actually.
That was was damn good action!
Seriously, the actual fight itself (despite how it was... instigated) was very well written. It was super intense, and had a really good sense of the impact and pain in every attack. You even managed to make it bloody enough to be dark, without going overboard to where it becomes ridiculous.
In any case, I'm enjoying this story so far.
I look forward to the next chapter, and I'm especially excited for more fight scenes in the future.
(Though I will admit, I do enjoy a bit of warm and fuzzy FlutterDash too...)
-Zaponator
2386501 Thanks a lot for pointing it all out regardless, because now I see the problems with the scenes. So now we can fix them up.
It did come off that way just a bit, didn't it? At first, anyway... XD But yeah, that's what we were going for with the date scenes and all. Maybe at first it was meant to be that, but I don't quite recall. It kind of changed as we went along. But yeah, that was the intent for the scene, to make it that he is in fact a jerk who womanizes (or marenizes?) who he deems to be cute, and so when he got mad at Fluttershy for not willing to do date stuff, he is in fact being a jerk because he wants "easy" girls who would put out immediately.
And thanks! That's so strange, because I usually suck at fight scenes! Especially making it seem painful. But I'm sure glad you liked it and that it turned out well! Thank you so much! I'm glad it did justice!
Not to worry, we'll be fixing the instigation of it, where Rainbow would be doing it out of defending Fluttershy and self-defense against a predator trying to attack them.
Although I didn't see anything wrong with the flashback date scene (I assumed the prank was the tripping of the waiter), I have to agree with Zaponator that RD came off as really racist in the build up to the fight scene. It just seemed really out of place and out of character for her. Good to know you two are addressing that though! Overall, I enjoyed the read and am happy to see more of the non-fluff stuff (nothing wrong with the fluff, I just like the adventure aspect).
I'm a little iffy on this chapter:
Everything before the Flashback is perfectly fine. Though didn't they say something about staying low-key in public in Canterlot? I wasn't suspecting that to mean kissing and snuggling in public
The flashback itself? Well it's sweet, more or less. But, it seemed kinda unnecessary? I mean you full out told us what was going to happen in that flashback more or less and I really don't see how it ties into the rest of the story. Those few sentences already explained what happened and I think it would have been fine if you left it to our imagination. Unless Rocket Launcher is going to make an appearance in this story.
The griffon fight was poorly handled. The griffon was just asking for directions and Rainbow Dash was incredibly insulting in return, and it's not like she should have a big problem with griffons, she was (briefly) friends with one after all. The action of the fight was fine but the ending was silly. Not the stare being used but the line "You underestimated my power!" I get the feeling it's not supposed to make me start laughing.
Something else to consider if Fluttershy's stare was just meant to drive the griffon off without any further plot significance is to have the guards intervene instead.
2413850 you caught me in the middle of re-writing this chapter... and I agree, the second part sucks.
The first half of this was so sweet.
So, there's also going to be some Dislestia in this too?
NintendoGal. Um I think that dash is a bit to how do I say um snugly im all cute moments but. I mean if that's ok with you.
Griffons buddy. If they were weak. They wouldn't refuse your request. Think on that.