Relations begin to break down between Equestria and the griffon tribes. As war approaches, new foes and alliances emerge. The mane six find themselves in a race against time to uncover dark plans and stop the griffon chief from ending their world.
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Yep this chapter was awesome. Totally worth the wait,. My favorite part was the "What have we learned..." part. Props to you.
lol
2128778 No I don't. I think that part of it trying to write that as if in the moment, but I clearly fail and so will re-write it.
2128566 Thanks. It's great to know some people are throughly enjoying the story.
2129869 Uh... I would really hope I wrote her (and Fluttershy) as accurately as possible... I spent way too much of my free time on this chapter...
Note... your profile pic makes you rather imposing... (to me at least.) kinda like 'boss man'...
not that you have to change it or anything...
2132192 Uh.... I thought I had it clearly enough down that RD had a fantasy of Fluttershy wearing the kinky lingerie she had given her...
and of course its kinda ment to be pretty kinky fantasy. About half the chapter involves the two of them getting rather randy with each other....
2132310in the case of "wearing her peasant...shattered." no. Till i re read it just now about 4 times...
now its a big whoops
2132573Yep! and Im so very happy her crush was there to calm her down
There will be a next time...
2132826 Wrongo! AJ actually gets to be as I see her in this, a straight mare who gets the colt of her dreams.
Rarity is doing what? But is their age... even if not in dragon years...
Pinkie and Rarity, thanks in part to you... I will use... but in a different story. having 3 more coming up soon... well, that ship is going to be in one of them.
2132867 I know... and Im sure I'm not the only one who doesn't mind seeing Rarity and Spike. Even if I don't support them much at all... in this story, it has a point later on... much later on.
He gets to turn into a big dragon later on... thats when he stops being treated like a kid
Even though I prefer her with Twilight, Pinkie or AJ (and in that order too)...
a good ol story at it's best
better than today's mlp episode
2133044 I haven't seen that ep yet. Will soon... tis great that you seemed to enjoy the chapter
This is one of the most well written stories I have ever read and it about my favorite paring so yay
Why i'm feeling like if I was reading the fanfic "Heated" ?
Nice story ! Waiting for the adventure part
And sorry if my english is bad
2140299 Because of what half of chapter 2 was...
Don't worry. The adventure part is coming. Just not for another handful of chapters.
Finally finished reading!
It was totally awesome, and so worth the wait!
So many cute, funny parts, and so many....other....part
This is getting better and better, and I can't wait to see whats going to happen next!
Please continue
2154474 well at least the first 6 chapters are well and truly down in some form or another. So I might be able to finish another chapter completely soon. That should keep you happy.
2155495 yes! I seriously can't wait
Ah, the elements of a good cheer transfer over well to elements of a good buck... GET TO IT LADS!!!
2227521 Why yes they do glad you enjoyed it.
2261773 Read on to find out New chapter coming out this week.
Dagnabbit. Forgot to read this fic, how can I be so dense?
Anyway...while I was reading, I felt like probably a thousand inappropriate images flash in my head during the hot coffee parts, and I was like
Time to read on...
2431478 would you look at that... How I didn't spot that before... I don't know. Thanks for pointing it out anyways.
...but after the success of my latest story, this (and all the corrections i need to make to CH3 + final stuff on ch4) might take backseat for a bit.
Where'd chapter 3 go?
2681502 its getting revised. The whole canterlot scene is rewritten and a little bit more and it will be put back up again.
2681528 and then ill be able to finish chapter 4. But im also splitting the chapters up into smaller parts (of only about 10k words each) to make things easier.
Again, I like how well Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are characterized here. I see what you mean by Rainbow Dash later being embarrassed by their own affections in public. I almost cringed from the awkwardness when it turned out that Rarity and Pinkie Pie saw them kiss. Kind of like using the idea of a couple both eating one long strand of spaghetti, I had to laugh when the taffy was used in a similar manner.
One thing I caught while reading:
their *way* over
I figure that I might as well comment each chapter as I go by 'cause right now I'm going at a very slow reading pace.
OH MY WORD I took forever to write this. I need to make it my policy to write the edit write after I read the chapter, otherwise I guess I reaaaalllly drag the process out. But I'm finally done (I took long enough for me to forget most of what I wrote in the first part, but done!), so here it is!
This chapter was absolutely adorable ! The combined Flutterdash talent of you two is amazing! I will admit that I Rainbow does appear to be a bit of a blockhead regarding Fluttershy's feelings, but there is a bit of exposition that makes everything fall into place.
Oh, and I can't forget to mention Rarity . Her role in this chapter was pretty great, and I LOVED how she was written. Maybe I was a bit biased because of really loving the fact that some sense was finally getting talked into certain ponies, BUT STILL! Her voice was captured very well.
And with that, let us begin the main feature:
-------------------Critical Review Section!-------------------
Contrary to what I said in my last post, I have decided that it will be technical errors that I will send via PM, to leave more room for more interesting analysis here. However, I rather liked segmenting the chapter last time, so that I will do it again this time, beginning with:
THE PARTY
Plot Analysis/Critique: Picking up right with the party from last chapter, we have a lot of character reinforcement before even entering the door. The fact that Dash considered the consequences that Fluttershy having a bad tome would have on herself first and then thinking about how upsetting it could be to Fluttershy as what feels like an afterthought was pretty good at getting across the idea that there is still awhile to go before RD can really function in an even relationship. Fluttershy, however, is perfectly happy to just follow Rainbow and let Rainbow protect her, and this bad relationship set-up leaves a smart white horse some good lines for later in the chapter. We get introduced to Derpy once inside, leaving me to wonder what role she will take in this adventurous tale, but more importantly we have the sweet kiss over the taffy coil, which is the one point at which Rainbow considers Fluttershy before... well, not before herself, but at least before the other random ponies in the room. This is good, it gives them a little bit more hope for a healthy relationship by showing that RD doesn't only have feelings for herself while leaving room for improvement. Fluttershy doesn't change that much, furthering the idea that she is the one that is more comfortable with romance. Pinkie is quickly established to be the well-intentioned killjoy (which I think fits best in shipping stories because its hard to ship her romantically with anyone because of how completely platonic she appears with everyone), and from Pinkie's interruption we have Rarity set up her character as friends with Flutters, which I will expand on in full in a later section. So a lot of character introductions and more character reinforcement, reminding me that I am still barely making a dent into this book and I have a ways to go before the setup comes together to put big plot points into action.
Writing Style Critique:
I like this line. Not really a critique here
I think you should probably just do with one "shy", I dunno, two right in a row like that is repetitive. To keep the sentence flow that you have here, and also get more meaning into the sentence, you could change the second "shy" to an adjective for physical appearance, since you already have her mentality described.
something about that phrase makes me think that Rainbow is kissing two mares here. Because Rainbow is doing the action, I think it's implied that she is part of the kiss, so counting herself in the number of people she kissed... well it feels odd to me. I would replace it with "her".
The phrase "on the other hand" implies difference, following it up with "wondered the same" is not the best choice.
”Maybe some quotes around this to suggest that Rarity knows that they both have stronger feelings?
THE FUN STUFF
Plot Analysis/Critique: Well, this section is really just one big plot point, and most of the critical analysis comes in when looking at the diction. That said, this felt timed right for the story, not super early, and not letting RD's and Shy's feeling go without being acted upon for too long. Well done
Writing Style Critique:
This feels a bit redundant, it works as it is, but these are not both necessary, and I think it would be better if EITHER "her mind on fire with all the wonderful events of the day" OR "all the wonderful events of the day abuzz in her head"
ehhh, I'm being particularly picky here, but It would sound more fresh if they weren't both "vision", it feels linear as it is, with something introduced in relation to vision, and then directly solved in relation to vision.
I don't know, this line just confused me a bit. So, Fluttershy just leaves the room, gives dash a second or two to think, then comes right back in, kisses dash, and leaves again? 'Shy, girl, make up your mind.
AT THE SPA
Plot Analysis/Critique: This part was wonderful, and Rarity was brilliant . Her growing annoyance at Dash's antics, her verbally smacking some much-needed sense sense into Fluttershy, and her true-to-character voice through it all was just very fun to read . Seriously, I was so satisfied when Fluuttershy got the attention and complements, it felt good to see her have a break from self-doubt. Of course, there was also the excellent insight into how off-balance the relationship was, with a look at Dash's attitude towards Fluttershy hanging out with somepony she wouldn't want to be around herself. It was all fabulously indirect, but clear as day. The one part that I had a problem with here was the way you introduced the the fact that Rainbow was bullied for her sexuality in school. I think you referenced this once before in the chapter, and but without much detail or length. Having it suddenly revealed by Fluttershy straight up explaining it to Rarity left no room for any buildup. I mean, until this point, Fluttershy and Rainbow didn't have a clear answer as to why they wouldn't tell the other how they feel, so suddenly having an explanation that makes sense is a bit odd. It would improve a lot, in my opinion, if there were reference to name calling/bad childhood memories involving their relationship from both ponies, and that way this scene could be a major reveal which the reader is waiting for.
Writing Style Critique:
Now we just need some fancier words to match it :P
I imagine Rarity saying this line with false enthusiasm, because she knows how Fluttershy is going to respond, but is just waiting for Fluttershy to understand on her own that she should be pursuing Dash romantically. More of a random thought than a critique here
And then I imagine her just losing patience and asking the question herself here. I didn't even interperet it this way when I first read it, but its really funny to picture
this was originally in my edit notes because I noticed it as a time where you used "and" to connect the events in a sentence like that instead of "as", and I liked that better and thought it gave more flow. On reflection, you do vary usage of "and" and "as" in sentences like these, but I guess if it made an impact on me on the first edit read-through, I should probably mention it anyways.
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So overall, I thought this was a great chapter and I can't express enough how much I liked Rarity here. Or the snuggling. The sweet, sweet, diabeetus-inducing snuggling.
ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER! 3 OUT OF.... 16... I really need to pick up the pace
I know the first two chapters were written in 2013 but goddamn it’s like they’re for two entirely different stories.
10373577
Yep.
Setting the different groups up does show quite a contrast. When I revised the earlier chapters about two years ago I actually increased the gulf between cute ponies being cute and the other factions introduced in chapter 1. Because ultimately the story is about relationships. War and (impending) hard times is the setting.
Glad to see things get a reaction.