Nearly a year ago...
"Ah, hello Twilight Sparkle..." Discord said with a taunting smile. All around him the landscape was twisted and altered to reflect his wicked sense of humor: The skies were pink, the clouds rained chocolate, the mountains shrank and grew on a whim and oranges weren't annoying in the slightest. "Here to give it another go?"
"We are here to stop you!" Twilight shouted, standing tall and proud with her revived friends. The elements of harmony shone brightly as the six prepared to take on the corruptor.
Meet Discord from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He is about be defeated by the Elements of Harmony and be turned to stone once again. He could have avoided this fate if he had a sassy gay friend.
"Stop right there!" Sassy shouted, trotting over to Discord. The chaos god blinked in confusion as the purple flanked, blonde maned pony (who was wearing a rather lovely scarf that really brought out the brown in his eyes) walked over to him and shook his head in disgust. "Dissy Dissy Dissy, what do you think you are doing?" Sassy asked, pursing his lips in exasperation.
"Uh... I am getting ready to defeat the elements of harmony once again and finally break Twilight Sparkle's spirit." Discord waved off the strange pony. "Now run along strange little pony and let me-"
"I will do no such thing!" Sassy exclaimed, grabbing Discord's paw and tugging it away. "I want- you really need a mani/pedi, you know that?- I want you to take a good long look at yourself! You are one of the most powerful beings in existence and you are wasting time on these six? That is just sad! Take some pride in yourself!"
"Well... I find them rather amusing-"
"No, my one pony show, ‘Sassy with a Shot of Lemon’, is amusing. This is a cry for help." Sassy shook his head, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “Have you stopped to think even for a second what your friends and family would say if they could see you right now?"
"I... I don't have any friends," Discord admitted. He sniffed, tearing up. "No one likes me..."
Sassy patted him on the shoulder. "Maybe that's because you aren't being honest with yourself. You are a chaos god and you are messing around with the power rangers over there."
"Hey!" Twilight shouted before pulling back, a look of confusion crossing her features. "Wait... was that an insult?"
Pinkie nodded her head. "Yup!"
"... hey!"
Sassy rolled his eyes. "Listen, you bitches are great and I love your manes, but can you give me and Dissy a few moments? I think he needs some ice cream and a good shoulder to cry on."
Rarity cooed as she fluffed up her mane. "Well, I suppose... by the way, I don't suppose you are seeing somepony?"
Sassy gave her a sour look. "Honey, even if I were interested, you could only do better... and I am fabulous!" Sassy threw back his head and laughed as he led Discord away.
"She couldn't tell you were gay?" Discord said in surprise. "I could tell the moment I saw you!"
Sassy just shrugged. "Sometimes love makes you blind... or maybe that is the pepper spray I get when I go to fire island...oooo, I am sassy!"
The God Squad
Episode 26: Paint By Numbers
"Well... this isn't what I expected," Shining Armor said as he looked about Tydal's Keep. After playing with Merida's class (and finding it oddly amusing that the queen of the capricorns moonlighted as a preschool teacher) Tydal had bid farwell to his littlest subjects and led his family towards his Keep. After Shining had pressed the issue, Tydal had been tickled pink to explain the strangeness of the capricorn queen being a teacher.
“Capricorn society is run on the belief that all must earn their way and even the most powerful must pitch in. Merida, after dealing with both our twins and you two fillies,” he had cast a smirk in Celestia and Luna’s direction, “is more than able to handle the watching of the kids. She isn’t the only one, of course… there are over a thousand kids spread throughout the Mareatine, but those that dwell in my Keep have Merida as their teacher.”
Luna had nodded her head. “Everyone that lives in the Keep has several jobs. Coral and Misty are the commanders of the royal guard while also serving as event coordinator and head chef, respectfully. I use to work in the library with Celestia.”
Cadence’s brow had furrowed as she stared at her older brother. “And what about you, Tydal?”
The capricorn had grinned. “I, my dear, have many, many tasks, though I have to fight tooth and hoof to get my subjects to actually LET me do my jobs.” He rolled his eyes in good natured annoyance. “They have this insane notion that my sole duty should be going to meetings. It took 143 years to get them to let me help fish for our dinners and train the older kids in the arts of war and pottery making.”
“Pottery?” Shining had asked.
Celestia chuckled. “Yes, but he has a bad habit of singing when he does it.”
“Oh… my love…” Luna crooned to Tydal’s annoyance. “My darling… I hunger for… your touch!”
Shining shook his head as he came back to the present. It would do no good to be daydreaming in Tydal’s Keep… he was surrounded by a species who had made TYDAL their king and shared his view on battle; that was a recipe for disaster.
The stronghold of the capricorn nation was an impressive structure both in design and simplicity. Carved out of sandstone and enchanted 10 ways to Sunday, the Keep looked like a sandcastle a filly might make on a trip to the beach. Watered dripped down its walls and Luna informed Cadence and Shining that, for the most part, the Keep remained hidden under the water and was only risen when guests arrived (capricorns, naturally, having hidden gills that sealed up while they were on land). The longest the Keep had stayed above the waves was when Celestia and Luna had been living there... mostly because Merida refused to let Tydal attempt to give his sisters gills of their own.
"And just what were you expecting, Shining Armor?" Celestia asked as the fivesome made their way down towards the Great Hall. Her eyes shined as she looked about her childhood home, a thousand memories roaring back. This place held some of her happiest memories and it was here, not Canterlot or either her Mother’s mystical home, that Celestia considered home.
"It's... casual," Shining said, trying to find a way to verbalize his surprise. "And bright." Several guards bowed low to the princesses before exchanging smiles and polite words with their king. Tydal looked down at his capricorns and addressed them each by name and offered words of thanks or comments of praise. "Everyone is so happy."
"Tydal never believed in pomp and circumstance," Luna answered, flashing a happy grin at several teenage capricorns who were loitering near a doorway. "How much do you know about capricorn culture?"
"I know that they are warriors who desire a grand death." Shining stated. "They have no problem with fighting dirty and hold out-of-the-box thinking in high regard. They hold the belief that everyone must do their fair share."
"They also hate ponies," Cadence said, skipping along.
"Actually no," Celestia stated. "The capricorns have always been guardians and protectors. They dislike cowardice and those that harm the innocent... sadly, before my sister and my reign, both were in heavy supply in Equestria." She shook her head sadly as she thought of all the lives that had been snuffed out because a pony had delusions of grandeur. Too many times the ponies of Equestria had come to try and convince Tydal to give up his young sisters and each time the results had been bloody. Capricorns believed retaliating a hundred fold; you come to their house unannounced, they capture a city, drive every pony out, then blow it up just to prove they can. "But what do you know about their daily lives?"
Shining blinked. "If they are anything like Tydal they will enjoy harassing me without mercy."
"If any of my subjects is cruel to you Shining you give me the word and I will deal with them," Tydal said gruffly. "You are mine to pick on and my subjects SHOULD know this. They will respect you, Captain, or they will face my wrath." He flashed a smirk at the unicorn before moving to great several more guards who had run up to meet with him.
"Capricorns are very informal," Luna stated as one of the guards said something that had Tydal bursting into laughter. "They tease and the snip at each other but it is out of respect and love."
"So the fact that Tydal constantly belittles me and mocks me..."
"...means that he cares for you a great deal, sweetie," Cadence said happily. "If he hated you, you'd be dead already."
"This is my happy face," Shining said dryly.
Cadence opened her mouth to complain that, no, that WASN’T his happy face (his happy face looked like Twilight’s ‘Mmmm, brownies!’ face) only for the words to die in her throat as Tydal led the group into the main throne room. There were elements of Canterlot's prestige visible in the lair of the capricorns: the guards wore armor that was clearly a precursor to the royal guard's uniform. The vaulted ceiling and long, thin windows were another. And yet there were also differences; there were not banners or flags or anything made of cloth. Instead, the hall was decorated with fine statues that depicted moments of victory and pride for the dwellers of the Mareatine. Different too was the throne, which was just as grand as Celestia's but much more simple in its design. Tydal looked at his throne in disgust, having attempted over the years to destroy it, only for his subjects to build it over and over.
"What's that up on the ceiling?" Cadence asked, drawing her husband's eye skyward. The ceiling was decorated with a grand mural depicting, strangely enough, not a single capricorn but instead all manner of ponies, griffins, minotaurs, mules, tigers, perytons and even the occasional dragon.
"Oh that?" Celestia said with a shrugged. "That is the Mural of the Fallen."
"The Fallen?" Shining asked.
"Yes," Luna stated with a jolly laugh. "Every time Tydal murders somepony, he has their image added to the mural."
"... you're joking, right?" Shining asked.
Luna shook her head. "It is a capricorn thing."
"Look, sweetie, there is your picture!"
Shining's jaw dropped as he stared at the painter who was finishing up on his own depiction on the mural. "WHY AM I UP THERE?!?!"
The painted, noticing that the subject he was painting was 1) not dead 2) standing under him, he let out a 'eep' and hurried down, pausing only long enough to bow before his king. "I am sorry, good pony, but when we heard you were traveling with the king we assumed that you would be killed quite soon."
"Well, now we are caught in a bit of a pickle." Tydal tapped his hoof against his chin. "I suppose I will have to kill you now, Shining."
"WHAT?!?!"
Tydal laughed, tail swaying. "I can't very well have a LIVING pony as a part of my mural! I have images to uphold."
Cadence leapt in front of her husband. "Don't, uncle, we can figure out some other solution!"
Tydal reached out and stroked her mane. "Cadence, it will be ok... we'll set you up with a new lover!" Tydal pointed at the painter who was finishing up with Shining's likeness. "You there, what is your name?"
"I am Stormfront, my lord," the painter said, bowing.
"You want to date my little sister? She is a nymphomaniac and double jointed."
Cadence rubbed her chin, giving Stormfront a long leer. "Well, I guess this COULD work..."
"CADENCE!" Shining screamed. When his wife merely shrugged, the captain decided to make like a leaf and exit the building as fast as possible (Shining was terrible at similes).
The capricorns and the alicorns made it 5 seconds before they burst out into laughter.
"Oh, I so do love the tradition hazing of the new guy!" Tydal threw back his head, laughing in glee.
"When should we tell him that the mural is for creatures you consider friend and ally?" Luna asked.
"Give a few more minutes to freak out, then go get him," Celestia stated.
Queen Merida chose that moment to enter. "You four are very strange."
There are times when I'm reading this when I can't tell if what you're doing is to build up Tydal or just troll the living fuck out of Shining Armor
Definitely enjoyed this one!
Merida, you are a human tomboy from a computer-generated Disnified version of medieval Scotland who was transformed into the Queen of the Capricorns by Author's Fiat. I'm afraid that you have a very poor basis to judge 'strange'.
So Shiny's Tydals prison bitch
1931326
oddness is, I'm afraid, all up to one's opinion. Sooner or later, almost everyone calls me strange, but given the strangeness of THIS group, I'd have to agree with the queen.
Still a bag of laughs, though.
Wow way to be loyal to your husband there Cadence, maybe that's why he's never really done anything "special" with you.
Man, I'm feeling a little like Twilight now - so freakin' curious on how Capricorn society works I'd be willing to take notes about every aspect of it I see if I were there.
AND I NEVER TAKE NOTES OF MY OWN VOLITION ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN DURING LECTURES.
Freakin' capricorns are badass.
Hooray for Sassy Gay Friend
Love the cold openings.
1931587
I actually have an idea for a story called "Twilight Sparkles Guide to Sentient Creatures". Each chapter would be about a different race and their attributes, culture, so on and so forth. It would cover Earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns, minotaurs, mules, capricorns, zebras, perytons, griffins, dragons, so on and so forth. It would be a touch humorous (as this is Twilight writing it) but for the most part would be a guide for other writers too.
Finally gets down to hunting down Chrysalis. Takes as long as possible to do so.
1931731 That would be very interesting, and a very good idea.
Tydal is best troll.
1931731
I like this idea.
All strife could be avoided with a sassy gay friend.
If this shit was canon as a spin off, I don't think I'll be alive by the 3rd minute of the pilot!
1931731 I am so sorry, but…
……
…Google "Sentience vs Sapience". It is a common thing nowadays for mixups between to two to happen.
1934601
...Star Trek called them Sentient. Are you saying Star Trek was wrong? Are you? *moves aside as angry fan boys begins to rush you*
1934936 …Yes…
IN THE NAME OF THE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT, I SAY YES!!
*gets swarmed*
Trolled.
Hard.
Tydal.
Freaking Tydal is the best oc diety ever!
1931990 I fail to see how that is a problem.
Ghost and Biff Tannen references for the win! I have to say that although I hate waiting for the next chapter, you always manage to make it worth my while. And we really need Princess Luna emotes. All who art in favor sayeth "YEA!" <- (pronounciation guide.)
<- sees painter is named Stormfront, thinks of Stormy getting cozy with Cadance. (WARNING very NSFW, duh.)
I approve.
Now the furious five (nope, I have not been watching Kung Fu Panda lately, not at all) all arrived in Capricorn...ia? Is it safe to call it that or will I be attacked by them for calling their home this name?
Honestly, sometimes I'm more impressed with how the whole group interacts instead of what is happening around them. All of them have this...carelessness going with them. Yes, Shining Armor whines about every little thing (somehow being the voice of reason despite that) and Tydal is very...crazy for fights and can't stand dehydration. (Makes me wonder how he will be in Zebrafrica?) But despite their attitudes Tydal can let fights go without him doing anything and Shining? In this chapter alone he could have easily pissed the capricorns off with his few careless words. And the only thing that worries him is the mural at the end? Yes, he connects it to his imminent death but...the entire group of godlike beings rubs more off on him than I thought.
1939585
The Capricorns live in The Mareatine and thus refer to their home'lands' as such: The Mareatine. Their capital is an underwater city named after Merida, by Tydal's Keep is the unofficial hub of capricorn life.
Great more of Tydal trolling Shining, this is one of my favourite aspects of this fic. Wonder how long before Shining snaps again.
...Why did I imagine Sassy having the same attitude and voice as my roommate/brother?!
(Joke) Alt. Title: The OC Squad
1931497
It's hard to be loyal when you're suffering from PTSD-induced nymphomania.
1932713
I think it's more amusing to think about the painter's reaction. Presumably, the painter knows what the mural actually is, so when he apologizes for assuming that Shining would be dead...
Running gag for the Keep servants?
1934601
Nowhere in "Twilight Sparkle's Guide to Sentient Creatures" does it suggest that the guide is limited to only sapient creatures. This is Twilight we're talking about. I totally buy that she'd use a name like that for a bestiary.
kind of a dick move to play on shining but oh well nice job keep it coming
1952428 I think i missed something. Who said anything about PTSD?
1931731
Brilliant! and a possible future thanks thingy.
They are bucking evil, which is why I love them so much Ah, this chapter really made me laugh, loved it. And that into
This chapter was great, was laughing hard when they said they would kill Shining, good chapter
Tydal Trolling Shiny....
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/161/029/likeaboss.jpg
Beware the one call, Sassy the gay, or any male organism in the area will fall do to (parental guidance is advised)
I think I like the capcricorns, they are very Klingon, they respect honor, want to die a glorious death in battle, despise cowardice and have a rather, dark sense of humor though they belive in earning your power and everyone pitches in. Basicaly the opposite of politics.
4005513
Oh if the Klingons were real, I would have them for leaders over anything!
4005513
In that world, I'd be a hobo.
But I totally love the whole 'being able to hurt and kill your enemies' thing.
1931497 To be fair, I think it's implied she knows Tydal's trolling Shining and playing along.
That, and if he raises a shield spell quick enough, I doubt any normal capricorn is gonna be able to slice through it as I think only royalty can use magic and blades fair poorly against shields.
That's, pretty nice actually. Yeah, considering how awesome Tydal is, if he wants something dead, short of "Permission denied" that is gonna stop him.
Riiight.
True.
You have no idea.
The entire cold opening had me liaghing my ass off. Good job author, good job. I'm going to hang this up on my fridge!
Also, Tydal is surprisingly fleshed out for a character created to mock the OP OC trope.
You are married to one of those four you know..... then again so is Shining Armor... so i guess everyone is sTrange
Le buttmonkey supreme.