On the Trail of a Tail
"Prince Blueblood, please come out," Logic Point called out, knocking on the door.
"No!" Blueblood snapped. "I am never leaving! I am going to stay in here forever!"
"My Prince, this is not how royalty should act," Strong Shield complained. He beat his hoof on the door, desperately trying to get it to open. "Please my lord, try to behave in a dignified manner."
"You're a poopie head!" Blueblood snapped.
"Hey guys, I see we are in another cold opening," Wall Breaker the 4th stated, trotting over to the other guards.
"A what now?"
"A cold opening," Wall Breaker said, moving to a window and calmly shutting it. "See, these castles are so drafty that if a wind is left open it creates a pocket of cool area, which gathers in a large, empty space, especially doorways... creating a cold opening."
The other two guards merely stared at the third (who was a 4th, weirdly).
"So... what are you doing?"
Logic Point sighed. "The Prince has locked himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out."
"Well, it isn't like he can stay in there forever, right?"
Blueblood laughed. "You truly are a fool, Wall Breaker! Why, in here I have all I need or desire... hot and cold water, warm towels to lie upon, and all the bubble cakes I can eat."
"I keep telling you those are bars of soap!" Strong slammed his full weight against the door but it refused to budge an inch. "Blast it!"
"No no, we might kill the Prince," Logic Point stated. When Strong Shield glared at him the guard nodded quickly. "Oh... so you didn't want me to get a cannon and blow the door up?"
"...right."
“You hesitated there for a moment.”
“…no I didn’t.”
"So, why is the Prince in the bathroom eating soap?" Wall Breaker asked.
Logic Point sighed. "After those fillies tried to blow him up he got nervous somepony was trying to kill him. We figured he was overreacting, because every pony has thought about killing him, but it seems that the Prince might have been on to something. Yesterday, the secret service learned that an assassin was coming after him."
"I didn't know we had a secret service," Strong Shield said. He let out a long whistle. "Man, they are good!"
Wall Breaker knocked on the door. "Prince Blueblood, won't you get lonely not having servants to belittle and commit sexual harassment against?"
"...maybe," the stallion admitted.
"What if one of us-"
"NO!" Blueblood shouted. "No... I want a maid... someone weak and easy to bully."
Logic Point rubbed his chin, before noticing a quiet servant that was standing in the shadows. "You, the bunny who is wearing the strange maid outfit and has two sharp knives... you go inside!"
Angel Bunny, aka Angelo Bunnitori de Ponyville wiggled his nose before hopping into the room.
The God Squad
Episode 31: On the Trail of a Tail
"Wouldn't it be weird if Moldy Wart turned out to be Chrysalis?"
Fuzzy Thinker, Sheerclaw Hones, Jaunty Watcher, Tydal, Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, Cadence, and a barbershop quartet Cadence had made friends with were walking down the streets of Leodon, hot on the trailing of the missing Hairy Grabber. They weren't exactly the stealthiest of search parties but that mattered little to them for reasons that weren't clear even to the writer of this poor excuse of a fan fic (seriously, he can’t even bother to spell check it half the time!).
Celestia turned towards her little sister, a finely shaped eyebrow rising in confusion. "I don't follow."
"I'm just saying, what if Moldy Wart was the changeling queen... that would be really shocking. We think we are just getting sidetracked by another adventure and BOOM! we are fighting fluttering bug ponies. I know I wouldn't see it coming."
"Except you just did," Celestia stated calmly.
"...cosmic," Luna whispered.
Tydal frowned. "What ever happened to the Flutterponies?"
"Say what now?" Shining asked.
"The Flutterponies... they were like butteflies except they were ponies. They were a magical race and Luna pointing out that Moldy Wart might be the leader of fluttering ponies made me think of them. I hope they didn't go extinct." Shining gaped at him and the capricorn narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"Nothing... just shocked you actually care about the fate of another race."
"Why wouldn't I?" Tydal snapped. "They were delicious."
"...and the universe rights itself," Shining grumbled.
Tydal closed his eyes and licked his lips. "Mmmmm... I could go for a fluttercobob right now..."
"They tasted greeaaaatttttttt!" the quartet sang.
"Gentleponies, I must ask that you focus on the task at talon," Hones said, a magnifying glass clenched in his talon. "There is a missing chick and we must find him at once."
Cadence grinned. "Roght, git on dat in a jif, gov'nor!" She leapt onto Celestia's back, using the older alicorn's horn and a hoofhold, and began to scream. "Hairy Grabber! Where art you?"
"Please stop that," Celestia stated, using her magic to gently lift Cadence from her back and place the mare on the cobblestone streets. "Detective Hones, what do you suggest we do first?"
"I would like to investigate the place that Hairy called home."
Fuzzy nodded. "Right, that would be his Aunt Meanie Child-Hitter and Uncle Violent Child-Hitter." At the horrified stares, he waved his talon at them and chuckled, eyes twinkling. "Do not worry, it is merely a name... in fact, I do believe Violent changed it 20 years ago."
"He changed it... to Child-Hitter?" Luna asked.
"Yes."
"What was it before?" Jaunty questioned.
"Baby-Raper."
Shining turned to Tydal. "When is your birthday?"
The capricorn blinked, surprised by the change of topic. "About 5 months from now, why?"
"Permission Granted... happy birthday."
~MC~MC~MC~
It took twenty minutes to make it to #7 Skid Row, the home of Violent and Meanie Child-Hitter. Much of the trip had been spent in embarrassment, as Tydal and Cadence had happily skipped along, singing dirty showtunes with the barbershop quartet (the less said about how they altered the lyrics to 'The Nanny', the better). After tying up the quartet at a fire hydrant, the large group made their way up the walk towards the childhood home of Hairy Grabber.
"I've seen meth labs that were cleaner than this," Luna complained.
Celestia shook her head. "Come now sister, think positively."
"Ok... I am positive I've seen meth labs cleaner than this place."
Fuzzy chuckled. "I do believe the blind beggar a block away saw that one coming, Celestia my dear."
Reaching the mold-eaten door, Hones clicked his beak in disgust before slamming the knocker three times.
"WOT?!?" An immensely fat griffin threw open the door, his feathers molting with every breath he took. He was forced to squat like a frog, his belly was that big, and a huge, unkempt mustache graced his beak; of course, due to his wobbling jowls it was hard to see his beak. He had deep set eyes that were nearly lost in the rolls of fat, but could be seen shone with the all too common mixture of angry and stupidity. The large griffin took one look at the ponies, capricorn and Fuzzy and sneered. "Freaks... don't want any of your kind in here none!"
Tydal beamed so big it was a wonder his face didn't shatter. "Oh... oh this is going to be fun!" His horns flashed and he threw Violent across the room, happily cantering over the threshold. Violent coughed and sputtered but Tydal merely reached over and pressed his beak close. "Might I make a suggestion to you, tons of fun?" Tydal leaned in close, licking his razor sharp canines. "Be careful who you shoot you beak off at... here there be monsters." The god of the sea began to pace. "Now then... I think I will start by pealing you like an apple; I will then deep fry your skin peelings and make you eat them like they were onion rings."
"I should be disgusted by this..." Watcher said, a dark gleam in his eye, "but I can't help but think 'good show'."
"Me too, Jaunty, me too," Hones stated.
"What are you doing to my husband?" Meanie shrieked, tearing through the room.
"Well... I guess that explains where he got all the food that resulted in his girth," Celestia stated in surprise. While Violent was at the point of obesity that he might as well have stayed home and gone for the record, Meanie was so rail thin that one could easily see her heart beating frantically in her chest (thus disproving the belief that she was 'heartless'). Her beak was thin yet long, resembling a hummingbird's sap sipper. She tried to put on the airs of a lady of the court but all she managed to do was make everygriff that saw her think she had smelled something rotten.
"Oh, where are our manners," Luna said with a smirk, turning towards the female griffin. "We are a traveling improv group and we were just about to perform a scene. We are playing the part of... well, you and your husband, and this fat load will get to pretend to be your poor nephew. Tydal?"
The capricorn smirked before he lashed out, viciously striking Violent in the face. The griffin cried out in pain, curling up on the floor as Tydal began to, as it is known in even the most elegant parts of the world, 'curb stomp the bitch'. The capricorn happily bounced about, making sure never to hit the same place twice. There was something almost artistic in the way Tydal brutally dismantled the griffin before him. Of course, neither of the celestial princesses were that surprised: capricorns, even more than ponies, held babies as creatures that were to be protected. To harm a kid, foal, or chick was to invite their wrath... and capricorns could dish out wrath quite well.
"And... scene!" Luna called out. The sea god took a step back, shaking his hooves free of blood. Violent whimpered, shivering on the floor and trying very hard not to wet himself. "Now then, who is next?"
Hones frowned. "While I am all for dealing with ruffians such as these in as painful of a manner as possible, I do need to speak with them and require them not to be in a comatose state.
Fuzzy sighed and pulled out his wand. "Allow me, detective." He waved his wand in a complex manner, the tip glowing a soft blue. "Eeze-fray Eanie-may." The thin griffin froze, eyes wide in panic as she found herself unable to even faint. "She is all yours."
Hones nodded. "Lord Tydal, if you insist on finishing off Mr. Child-Hitter I ask that you do so outside."
"Of course," Tydal stated, using his magic to lift the sobbing griffin up. "Cadence, be a dear and deal with Violent's wife for menonce the detective is done, would you? I won't be able to fully enjoy myself if I am thinking off all the horrible torture I could perform on her."
Cadence frowned. "I don't know..."
"I think she could use a makeover," Shining said, startling everypony with his dark comment. "Something to make her a bit more sexy..."
Cadence beamed. "Ooooooooohhhhhh!"
Hones nodded as Tydal happily trotted outside, Luna deciding to join him in the bloodbath. "Now then, I have a few questions for you... you will answer them honestly or I assure you that the pain you will suffer will make what happened to your husband a pleasant dream." The detective steepled his claws together. "Why did you not report the boy missing?"
Meanie glared that them, hiding her fear quite well. "Why bother? He is just a freak... the only other griffs that would care are freaks like you!"
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Might I remind you that this 'freak' is the only thing standing between you and burning to death in the sun?"
Meanie gulped but somehow managed to raise her head up high. "I assumed he ran away... he has done it before."
Hones nodded. "Did you see any other freaks hanging out recently?"
Meanie sniffed. "Of course not... I would have called the constables if I had."
"One final question," Hones stated. "What did you do with the 3 pounds?"
"What three pounds?" Meanie asked.
"The three pounds that remained from the 35 you were given to leave the door unlocked so young Hairy's kidnappers could enter." The others gasped but Hones merely smiled. "Come now, don't lie to me... that necklace you are wearing is brand new... I can tell by the way you keep shifting that you aren't use to the weight yet. I saw one just like it for 30 pounds the other day, and with tax you would have three pounds left."
"I... I..."
Hones scowled. "Princess Mi Amora, she is all yours."
"YAY!" Cadence giggled, using her magic to yank a whimpering Meanie away. "Dress up! Dress up!"
Hones led the remaining members of the group over to the small cupboard that served as Hairy Grabber's home. Celestia and Fuzzy were forced to peak their heads in, as the space was barely big enough to fit Hones, Watcher, and Shining. The griffin detective threw himself onto the dirty floor, sliding this way and that as he inspected seemingly random floorboards. Occasionally he would let out a purr or a squawk but, for the most part, he remained silent. Watcher was happy enough to take notes, while Shining used his magic to begin going through the drawers.
"He didn't run away," Shining stated.
"How do you figure?" Hones asked.
Shining held up battered suitcase. "Because he was planning on running away." He flipped it open, revealing clothing, some birdseed in baggiest, and the letter from Fuzzy Thinker. "He was going to run away to the school... but somegrif must have nabbed him before he had a chance. Otherwise he would have taken his suitcase."
"Very good!" Hones praised.
"I minored in criminal sciences at Canterlot U," Shining stated. "Got in thanks to a GI Bill."
Hones inspected the case carefully, running his claws along the handle. "Very interesting. You can see by the scratches here that he put it away in a hurry... recently too, if I am looking at the peeling right. I dare say he was preparing the case when his kidnappers took him."
"Do you know anything about how took him, Mr. Hones?" Fuzzy asked.
"A trifle," the detective said with a shrug. "The kidnapper is a female between the ages of 18 and 38. Her family likes to think of her as a lady but she is actually tom-cattish. She has been abroad... I would say Equestria... within the last 3 months, and has only returned to this land within the last week. Oh, and she was known to Hairy before she betrayed him."
The others gaped.
"How could you possibly know that, Mr. Hones?" Celestia asked.
"Oh, it is quite simple, when one looks at all the room provides. The fact that she is female can be seen from her stance... she felt claw and talon marks here and here and only a female would stand like that. Her age is simple enough: she has reached adult size but as not begun to suffer from the weakening the joints that would force her to not clench her talons like she did here." Hones gestured to a discarded feather flying in the corner.
"The fact that her family thinks her a lady but she is tom-cattish?" Shining questioned.
"A bit more murky, but with a bit of thought it was simple. You will note this feather here... it is quite too long." He turned to the ponies. "In our culture, the styling of ones feathers in the inverse of how a mane is styled: males favor longer plunmage and will develop manes much like his Highness here, while females go with shorter cuts. This tabby has had her feathers trimmed longer than normal, but still in a feminiate cut. That tells me she wishes to give the appearance of being a lady but only to the barest of minimums."
"And what about her being Equestria, Hones?" Watcher asked.
The detective held the feather up so Jaunty to have a whiff of it. "Do you smell the shampoo? It is apple scented.. but not just any apple. I have written on the identification of apples in beauty products-"
"Why?" Shining asked.
"Because when I get high on sunflower oil I tend to research crazy things. Now then, the apples used in this shampoo are infact Zap Apples, which are only grown in Equestria and are only used in one salon... namely the Duchess of Manehatten; this lends more to our standing theory that this young griff wishes to appear ladyish to her family but only to a certain extent, as the Zap Apple Shampoo is, for the most part, a more tomcatish scent. The fact that the scent lingers proves that she only just arrived in Griffland.
"As for her knowing young Hairy... well, it should be quite obvious from the way her talons dig into the hardwood here and here." He pointed to a series of gouges near the doorway. "No griffin that was attempting stealth would make such cuts... she came in casually, without need for quiet, then abducted him."
"Brilliant," Watcher stated.
"But that doesn't tell us anything about where Hairy is," Fuzzy pointed out.
"I have a few ideas though, and should have something solid... bloody hell."
The others turned, eyes wide in shock as Cadence happily trotted in, following by Meanie. The formly prim griffin had so much makeup plastered on her face it was a wonder she could support the weight. She wore a leather corest and mini skirt and she licked her beak as she eyed up the males.
"Oi! Get a Trottingham Piledriver for 10 quid!" she called out vulgarly.
"Cadence... what-"
"I made her a 'ore, I did!" Cadence squealed.
Tydal, who was covered in blood, entered with an equally sticky Luna. "What's a Trottingham Piledriver?"
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Just emptied my updates list and BAM! update. Awesome as ever
Well...just great. It fulfilles the canon of Harry Potter combined with a little revenge on Meanie and Violent Child-Hitter. Although it makes me wonder what happened to Bully Child-Hitter? Why wasn't he at home with his family? Did they visit on school hours?
Ah well...I take a shot in the dark and say Gilda is the culprit. Many of the descriptions fit her (also, appearing like a lady to a family full of snobs? Sounds like an easy way out) but what reason would she have to kidnap Hairy Trotter?
Other than that...this was your second Scooby-Doo reference in this story, am I correct? Or did I miss one?
Oh and the last thing I need to tell you: Your stories are great. In fact, they are absolutely fantastic! Did you think of writing professionally at one time? Do you work towards that goal?
Luna as Freiza ?
This pleases me
Aside from that, great chapter.
I would like to point out this :
I believe that pealing should be spelt peeling.
So Cadance has mind control powers or something? So confused by the quick turnabout of Meanie...
Yet another phenominal chapter!
I'm afraid to google a Manehattan piledriver anyone else
Oh I hope Angel Bunny kills Blue Blood soon then we'll all sleep easier.
Also nice to see Shining Armor used his wife's crazyness to his advantage. At this rate he's almost certain to hit god hood.
Speaking of did you know that Twilight is confirmed to be an Alicorn Princess now? So I guess this means you'll have to incoporate that into future stories.
2046865 h/she doesn't have to incorporate that and although that would be a good idea I think it would suck because allicorn sparkle is a marketing scheme from hasbro. Also she would be too analytical.
Only a few complaints about this chapter. First up, curb stomping is fatal if you do it right the first time, so having to drag Violent outside to finish him off would be unnecessary. Second is it requires a curb which I doubt the griffons had inside their house.
I'm liking Hones's character a lot, but again the stumbling point is this:
If you're not going to speed things up, don't reference this because it's obnoxious as hell since it's apparent that you hear them, but plan to keep going anyway. If you plan on drawing things out, just stop referencing it.
Methinks the kidnapping griffin was Gilda based on the description.
2047075
Buzzkill
2046663 I caught that DBZA reference too! I almost didn't. then I read it again. and I was laughing.
Good cold opening, really want for Angel to kill blueblood and I liked the punishment on the Child-Hitters. Good chapter and awaiting for more.
It does my heart a world of good to see Tydal and Cadence have their way with these two.
Also guessing Gilda for the kidnapper.
Everyone is guessing Gilda for the kidnapper. I doubt it's that simple.
Do I spy a drunk science reference?
Overall great chapter, can't wait for the next one.
2047243 Not everyone's opinion is praise, mate.
2048040
img.izifunny.com/pics/2012/20121230/640/cat-memes-32-pics_23.jpg
2048155 Look harder. Damn cats need to get their prescriptions checked more often.
2046622
Check out my blog for more inform on my working towards being published.
2046865
Yes, and I have plans for that twist.
OMG you can totally write a sherlock holmes book, like really I dont care about the main plot just the detective awesomeness...
2048504
I actually do have a Sherlock Holmes original novel I'd love to write, but I want to get established before I do so... I will say simply that the title of that story is "The Patchwork Man"
2049141 flawjashgaksdjlasnvizxcweasd...Ahem sorry putting my jaw back where it should be, cant wait (Self wonder if tydal will be in it or it will solely be sherlock holmes ponyfied)
2049347
No no, you misunderstand... I mean an actual novel. I am trying to break into the field and I have an idea for a Holmes pastiche, but I don't want it to be my first novel.
I sleep easier at night knowing that curb stomping is Universal...
The way this story is going, they can get distracted by all the side adventures they want. Because the longer they get distracted, the more chapters I get to read. And as an added bonus, the more chapters I get to read, the more cold openings I get to read...
2047415 *Alondro lies beaten and shredded upon the floor as Charline de Lyon, the abyssal demonic terror of leonine kind, smirks* I EAT babies.
(That's right Fimfiction, I'M HEEEEEEERE!!!)
Elambeth the sheep girl jumps up, "Me too!"
As does Nyoma the gazelle, "How did I get here? I thought I was dead!"
Helix and Bunsen, one a mad scientist pony, the other a... non-mad scientist pony... argue about whether science should be used for good or to end all life in the universe, firing freeze rays at each other.
Crying Shame flutters over the growing crowd, "Ugh, I suppose I'll join in, even though being associated with these idiots is embarrassing."
Oroshiss the naga slithers through, thinking hard about which ponies to eat first.
Charline GROWLS!! "HEY!! Who invited all of you jerks here?! I'M the only brain voice who gets to invade other realms!"
In one voice the rest declare, "WE FORMED A UNION!!"
Charline face-paws, "Great, now China's gonna kick our asses."
Finally, Royal Guard Tawny Pride shoes them all away, "Enough of this now! Move along! Don't make me use the tear gas!"
2047415 *Charline de Lyon, the most evil of evil creatures in all the universes, after beating Alondro senseless (and removing several of his internal organs for good measure... she does that frequently. He'll be fine later.) grins savagely* You think beating kids is bad? I EAT foals!
*she cleans her claws* Though not in cupcakes. That's a terrible recipe. I had to slaughter Pinkamania for offending my gourmet senses of evil cooking.
2048340
Look dude, this is a CHAPTER about a FANFIC based on a TV SHOW. Not everything has to abide to reality. Fantasy shows can be exceptions.
Dragons and Unicorns and Pegasi, oh my!
Seriously dude.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24977619.jpg
2049421 Would still wanna read it, will you make it like professional or more amateur online like?
Delicious? Interesting...now I have a hankering for Flutterpony.
2047075
#1: Curb stopping, by the newer definition, doesn't really require a curb. It's just a general term for stomping someone's head really hard which, while easily lethal, is guaranteed to kill someone in one hit, especially if the assailant wants the pain to last.
#2: It never says that he continues curbstomping him repeatedly. It more accurately says that he then goes to work on his entire body, hitting as much area as possible for maximum enjoyment.
#3: If Tydal is even half as brutal as I am, and I'm sure he's more than that, he would definitely do research into a spell that would extend a person life temporarily making some life-threatening injuries easier to survive for a while. So in a worse case scenario, he could easily use that to keep the guy alive so he can continue his punishment.
#4: Relax and enjoy the brutal karma that Tydal has dished out for our pleasure.
2053311
You were the one who called me a killjoy for expressing an opinion in a public forum. Grow up yourself, you hypocrite.
2054910 I give honest feedback, mate. I was simply pointing it out because it just seemed odd. While I do imagine Tydal would be brutal enough to literally beat a dead horse, it was mentioned that they take it outside to finish him which is odd due to the aforementioned lethality of curbstomping ( I've no new definition so I don't know where that is coming from.
As for the lengthening the life to extend enjoyment, execution is enough. Drawing t all into a torture fest so someone could get their sick enjoyment out of it would kinda go against the "He may be a violent asshole, but he is an honorable violent asshole" image the author has built up for Tydal.
A better question is how do you get that nice hefty stomp when your back half is a shark!
2055746
2056371 My old avatar was actually from this site. I wait awhile between avatars so I'm not using it at the same time as the person that I got it from. I usually try to keep a theme with my avatars. For me, I'm a fan of Queen Chrysalis, though I'll use Celestia and Luna on occasion.
2056489
You're a Queen Chrysalis fan as well?
Changeling fans unite!
2050970
Dammit Alondro, Where am I supposed to get my cupcake lessons now? FLUTTERSHY? Oh dear god no. It took ages to remove those intestines the LAST time I tried to make Pinkie's Cupcakes with Fluttershy. The things I saw man...
It makes Cupcakes look like My Little Dashie.
2057599 Indeed! And fans of bad typos untie!
2057639
HUZZAH!
For the Spell-Checkers Union! 
2057615 *Charline pffts!* If I cared about what others needed or wanted, I could hardly call myself 'absolute evil', you know!
2058433
You starting with me? Bring it!
(Bunch of thugs, changelings, capricorns, and Royal guardsponies are behind me) Whatcha gonna do when we come for you?
2058441 *sends Al Queda to attack you, led by his chimeric clone general of evil, Adolf Stalin!* THAT'S HOW EVIL I AAAAAAAAAM!!
2058455
I cannot even begin to tell you how racist that was. Ladin, Hitler, and Stalin all in one comment?
BAN HAMMER, ATTACK!
2058470 Fine! I'll make my legion of evil more equal opportunity! *gets the ghosts of Kim Jong Il, General Pinochet, Chairman Mao, Kony, and Saddam Hussein from hell to help out with his evil plans*
And finally, the most evil person ever to walk the face of the earth (besides me, of course!): Bill Cosby. (It's always the ones you least suspect, ain't it?)
2047075
Wait, 'curbstomping' is an actual thing? Not just an idiom for 'beat brutally and decisively'? Huh.
2060256 Yeah. It came in during World War 2 where German officers would have prisoners bite a curb at gunpoint before having an infantryman with his nice heavy boots stomp on the back of the person's head. The result was....horrific.
2068429 It was before that. trust me.
2068426
I know, right?
COMMENCE ENDLESS LAUGHTER.
GILDA!!!!!!! My third favortie villian, cna't wait to see her
And shit, this griff really is good, damn. Ha, Tydal is funny as buck, Angel is nothing less of a BEAST!!!
Yeah, this is going to be good