“I’m getting a bit worried about the Prince,” Logic Point said , walking down one of Canterlot Castle’s many hallways.
Sure Step nodded in agreement. “The maid is still having night terrors after walking in on him during his ‘private time’. “
Logic Point sighed in frustration. “And did you hear about some of the new rules he’s come up with?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Photo Finish frowned, lowering her camera. “And why are you banging on my door and bursting into my studio? Photo Finish demands an answer or she shall show you her poker face!”
The guards just gave her a sour look. “Listen, we don’t like it either but the Prince demands that all mares wear socks.”
“But that is simply absurd! I don’t even own any shoes that will go with… those!” The white-maned mare gestured to the green stockings with little boats on them. “Can you not see that Photo Finish is working? She is on the edge of glory!”
“Oh, you can’t wear shoes with them. The Prince says that would take away from the sexy and he has decided to, and I quote, ‘Bring sexy back’.”
“This is truly a bad romance!” Photo Finish exclaimed.
~MC~MC~MC~
Logic Point sighed, hanging his head. “You know, I could have joined the coast guard… the only thing you have to do there is run in slow motion. And with the capricorns back you don’t even have to do that! But NO, ma wanted me to be a royal guard! Well thanks a lot, ma, because now I am stuck serving Blueblood.”
“Well I’m sorry!” Pressure Point, Logic Point’s mom (and a maid in the castle) said with a huff. “I just wanted the best for my boy…” she trotted off, her guilting powers at full (Seriously… you can probably feel them as you are reading this… oh, why have you disappointed Mama Point, dear reader?).
Wall Breaker just shrugged his shoulders, finally deciding to speak up. “It is to be expected. The pressure of being the ruler of Equestria has driven Blueblood insane and he is dragging us along with him into madness.”
“If you know that then why aren’t you doing anything to stop him?” Sure Step exclaimed in frustration.
“My bit is that I am genre savvy. I’m not helpful in any other form.”
Sure Step and Logic Point just looked at each other.
“What if we got him laid?” Sure Step asked suddenly. “Maybe that would ease the tensions he is feeling, fix his issues.”
“All of it?” Wall Breaker asked.
“Well, there is no cure for being an idiot but it could help.”
Logic Point shook his head in disagreement. “I already thought of that. Prince Blueblood states that he wants to have sex with an alicorn and only after he is married.”
“Seriously?” Sure Step said in surprise.
“Yeah, he’s old fashioned like that.”
“But where are we going to find another alicorn? The only three I know of are missing!”
Wall Breaker smirked. “Smash cut to:”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Derpy, I’m back from the store with muffins!” Mary Sue, the red maned, black coat alicorn, called out as she entered her friend’s house, a box from SugarCube Corner hanging from her horn. “Sorry it took so long… that new worker who looks like King Fakeo is really bad at taking orders!”
Derpy trotted out wearing a pair of orange socks, her normally bubbly smile not present. In fact, Mary had never seen Derpy look so utterly… grumpy. “Guess what we all have to wear now,” she said dryly.
“I like’em!” Dinky said, racing into the room with a sock on her head. “Weeeeeee!”
The God Squad
Episode 8: The Un-Un-UNforgiven
“So, how long must I be your sheriff?” Tydal asked Braeburn as the cowpony (which meant he was a Pony who lived out west and not the mythical Ponycow, which, like Bighoof, lived only in places where it was hard to get clear photos) led him and the rest of his family into the jailhouse.
“Just until we get Sheriff Silver Star out of that darn hole he was thrown in. The rope delivery should be here in a day or two, tops.”
“And remind me again why we can’t use magic?” Shining asked.
Braeburn frowned. “What’s this ‘magic’ you speak of? You don’t mean sorcery, do you? Because if so, we already lent out our witch-burning kit to Cousin Applejack.”
Cadence blinked. “Wow…”
Tydal nodded, just not having the strength to deal with the stupidity. “Very well, I will be your sheriff. But let it be known that I am firing the hangspony. I like to get my own hooves dirty.”
“We… don’t have a hangspony.”
“Then how do you kill your criminals?”
Braeburn scratched his head. “We don’t rightly do that, Sheriff.”
Luna frowned. “So you imprison them for life?”
“Course not! We just asked them nicely not to do it again!” Braeburn grinned like a brain-damaged idiot (which he was so it was easy).
The 4 deities and Shining Armor just stared at the cowpony, waiting for a punchline.
“You’re… joking, right?” Luna asked.
Said punchline never came.
“Of course not! We here in APPPLELOOOSA! believe that any pony can be redeemed!” Braeburn walked over to cell and opened it up, motioning for the occupant to stand up. "Now then Flasher," Braeburn said sternly, moving away and letting a heavy-set emerald earth pony step out, "I know you are going to be able to lead a good honest life... so I trust I can let ya go."
"Ya can let me go, Braeburn, but I'm still gonna expose myself at elementary school plays,” the stallion said drunkenly.
"Well, I'm just going to have trust that yer wrong there, Flasher."
Tydal watched as the clearly drunk stallion stumbled out of the jailhouse, asking any pony he saw where the nearest playground was. "Shining?"
"Denied," the captain said with a sigh before turning towards the tan earth pony. "How the hay do you expose yourself when you don't wear clothing." Braeburn leaned in and whispered in Shining's ear, the stallion's eyes growing bigger and bigger each passing moment. "By the Creator! That is NOT flashing! That is not flashing at all!"
"What?" Cadence asked, leaning over so Braeburn could whisper in her ear. After a moment Cadence pulled back and, using her magic to grab a wastebasket, heaved. "Wow...” she coughed, wiping her mouth, “I'm a sex addict and even I think that is sick."
"Permission granted! Permission granted!" Shining cried out.
The capricorn grinned manically. "Oh, this will be fun! Oh Flasher!"
Luna shook her head as her older brother cantered out to catch up with his prey. "Braeburn, I'd like to talk to the stallions that tried to attack the town."
"Sure thing, Miss Nightdancer!" Braeburn lead them to another cell where marauders were sitting around waiting judgment (and two of them were feeding their newborns). "Howdy boys! Miss Nightdancer here would like to talk to ya about why ya'll have been fixin' to mess around with us here in APPPLELOOOOOSA! instead of being good ponies and joining us in brotherhood."
"Shove off," one of the stallions said.
Luna leaned in close. "It’s either me, the nympho or the new sheriff.”
Cadence tilted her head, pondering the criminals. "This looks like the orgy cage I wanted to install in my basement, but then I lost all that money to a stupid jack on the turn.”
Before she could continue a scream ripped through the air.
"DON'T RUN!' Tydal called out in murderous glee. "DON'T RUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Celestia looked at the criminals through hooded eyes. "My sister's offer does have an expiration date..."
"Is that my torso?" Flasher screamed from outside the jailhouse. "It is! My precious torso!"
"Alright, alright!" Quick Draw said, burping his baby. "What do you want to know?"
"Who hired you to terrorize this town?" Luna asked.
"What... what do you-"
“Not what, who!”
“Please tell me we aren’t going to do the ‘Who’s on First Routine’…” Shining groused.
“The leg bone’s not longer connected to the knee bone!” Tydal sang. “The knee bone’s-“
"I want a straight answer!” Luna said sternly. "If you were doing this on your own you would have been bursting into the houses and taking what you wanted. No... somepony hired you to rampage through town and I want to know who it was and why!"
"We... we can't tell you!" another stallion said nervously. "She'll kill us if we do!"
"Shut up!" Quick Draw snapped.
“No, that isn’t suppose to bend that way!” Flasher screamed outside.
"Cadence, I think they need to come a more tightly knit group," Luna said darkly.
"Okey dokey!" the pink alicorn said, her horn beginning to glow. “Bow chica bow wow-“
"WE GIVE! WE GIVE!" Several of the stallions called out.
"The name!" Luna shouted.
"Thunder Thighs!"
Celestia pushed her sister aside, rattling the bars of the cell in fury. "WHO TOLD YOU THAT NICKNAME?!?!"
Quick Draw trembled, clutching his foal to his breast. "That's who hired us! It isn't a nickname!"
The solar goddess quickly regained her composure. "Of course! I mean, it must be a name... it isn't like I was overweight as a filly and that was my nickname when I was a teenager... that would be silly..." Celestia forced herself to laugh.
"Yeah, sure," Luna said, rolling her eyes. "Thunder Thighs... why did she hire you?"
"We don't know. She just told us she hates ponies and wanted us to make the ponies who live in APPPPLELOOOOSA! suffer."
Shining's brow furrowed. "Why does everypony say it like that?"
"Like what?" Braeburn asked innocently.
"Hates ponies?" Luna asked. "You mean she isn't a pony?"
"She's one of them buffaloes!"
Celestia pursed her lips, turning to Braeburn. "I was under the impression that the townsfolk and the buffalo had settled their differences once they agreed to swear jihad on Pinkie Pie."
"We sure did, Miss Sunny Skies. Don't quite rightly know why that there Thunder Thighs would want to hurt anypony here. Don't done make a lick of sense, I tell ya!"
"How do you get your orders?" Shining Armor asked one of the criminals.
One of the other stallions gulped. "I... I..."
“Do you mind if I borrow this hammer?” Tydal called out, before the sound of shattering bones filled the air.
"You're going to have to speak up, I can’t hear you over the murder," Luna said harshly.
"She meets us a mile outside of town, near Pinprick's Landing."
"I know that place," Braeburn stated. "I can take ya to there if ya'll want me too."
Luna nodded. "Yes... I think we need to have a talk with this Thunder Thighs." The alicorn of the night tapped her horn against the bars. "If I find out you were lying you will wish I had left you for my niece or the sheriff." She did an about-face and marched out of the jailhouse, the others fast on her heels. "We need to hunt down this buffalo as soon as possible... we can't risk her realizing that we have her stallions and getting a new attack party."
Celestia sighed. "I hate to think that my little ponies could inspire some creature to such hatred."
Cadence adjusted her dress, looking about. "Do you think we'll need... protection?"
"I don't think we need condoms, sweetheart," Shining said.
"I meant weapons," Cadence stated with a smirk. "But nice to see your mind is as dirty as mine!"
"Oh, don't you worry none!" Braeburn said, leading them towards a modest large barn. "We got plenty of ammo in here!" The stallion knocked on the door. An elderly mare with glasses so thick it was a wonder her snout didn't fall off from the sheer weight of them answered.
"Why hello, Braeburn. What are you doin' here?"
"I need to get some ammo, Mrs. Cream."
"Alright, if ya say so, Braeburn." The mare shook her head as she trotted back into the barn. "I do wish you young folks wouldn't go hurtin' yourselves as much as you do."
"You have an old woman make your weapons?" Celestia asked in shock.
"Of course, missy! Mrs. Cream is the best dang gum baker in all of APPP-"
"Wait, baker?" Shining said, cutting Braeburn off. "Why would you need..."
"I got the pies for ya, Braeburn. Make sure ya be careful throwin' them at them there buffalo!"
Luna, Celestia, Shining and Cadence stared at the baked goods.
"What... the... (censored)?" Luna said.
Cadence shook her head. "Good thing Tydal isn't here... he'd be pitching a fit."
"What's the matter?" Braeburn asked.
"You... use pies... as weapons?" Luna asked.
"Of course, Miss Nightdancer! Pies are a dangerous-"
Luna grabbed one and smashed it against her face.
"Lordy lord she done killed herself!" Mrs. Cream shouted.
“NOOOOO!!!” Braeburn sobbed. “I never told her that I loved her!”
"I'm fine," Luna said, using her magic to clean her face. "See... pies can't kill ponies."
"... maybe she be a witch!" Mrs. Cream exclaimed.
“I was in love with a witch? Noooooo!”
Shining's expression soured. "Twilight was right: everypony in this country is crazy!"
"Sister..." Luna said as Mrs. Cream and Braeburn argued about how to burn witches, "how long have our subjects been using food as weapons of mass destruction."
Celestia leaned in close, hissing, "Ok, so you've seen how stupid they are. You honestly think I'd let any of them near an actual sword?"
"...good point," Shining conceded.
"Should we interrupt them?" Cadence asked. Braeburn and Mrs. Cream were in a heated debate about whether a witch weighed as much as a duck.
"Let's just find Tydal and go kick some buffalo behind," Luna grunted.
"How will we find him?" Cadence asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
"Follow the screams," Celestia stated.
APPPPLELOOOOSA!
I think Celestia makes a good point about how bad an idea a 'military' in Equestria would be. They'd end up blowing up the planet because Twilight wanted to see what would happen if she cast a spell that made all the bombs detonate at once.
I completely lost it at that sentence... which is bad since it's almost 4:00 am...
If ponies believe that getting hit with a pie is lethal, then do the ponies of APPPPLELOOOOSA believe that the buffalo chieftan rose from the dead?
Cadence saying Bow-chika Bow Wow... was probably the scariest thing I've read on this site... in context at least.
AHAHAHAHA Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1578094
DAMN IT! You beat me to pointing out the reference!
1577995
Nonono, you've got it wrong. Equestria would burn when Twi was interrupted performing a routine maintenance check, that for efficiency's sake checks every bomb ever simultaneously, by Spike bursting in/Dash crashing in/random townspony being an idiot about checking out a book/the CMC/Pinkie Pie. The last two are self-explanitory. I suppose that in this setting, Cadence deciding she needs some sisterly bonding time with Twi via the ultimate form of skinship would also work....
Also, should we be happy or horrified that Mary Sue is about to get laid?
Also also, bloodshed. Finally. That is all.
Face it Celestia you dropped the ball on education for your little ponies during those thousand years.
1578112 Well your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elder berries
I love this story. I can't put it any other way. Why can I only thumb and fav once!
By the way, can I just say I love the fact that I made Derpy a sock hater?
An Abbot and Costello reference? Sweet! Also, yeah, I really don't want to know what Flasher did if it's so bad Cadance got sick. XD
Careful with the pies you might a cavity or even diabetes
I don't know who she's supposed to be but you do know Photo Finish isn't supposed Lady Gaga, right?
Anyway...is Flasher like...Wolverine or something? I mean, how is he still alive to be screaming like that?
Still...Mary Sue is like, my favorite fan created character in this fandom(isn't that ironic?). Yes, more than Tydal. She's just so much fun.
And I'm really starting to like your presentations of these characters. Mostly because you're toning them down and they're becoming less a walking joke and more actual characters.
...
Or maybe I'm just getting used to them.
1578138 Skinship? I don't know what that is and I'm sure that Twi would be terrified once she found out.
As for Mary Sue getting laid, the bigger question isn't that she might get laid, it's that Blueblood might actually reproduce. I'd hesitate to inflict that on any Mary Sue, and not just Mary Sue the RMBCA.
Great,reaffirms that everypony is indeed crazy. Cadence is once again mildly disturbing while the implications of what Tydal did was awesome. Almost wanted to laugh at Celestia's reaction to Thunder Thighs, doesn't help I'm suppose to be quiet where I am.
1578143
This is what happens when you pull funds out of the education budget to finance your prank wars!
1578599
It helps they are getting screen time. When i did Cadence you only had one chapter, so it was shocking. But now we have a ton of chapters and you get to see more of her. To me, Cadence is Pinkie Pie lite with sex goddess traits.
As for Flasher, Tydal took biology, remember... he knows how to keep you alive while he tortures you.
1578151
Please. Your mother was an ogre and your father was a midget who was blind in one eye and had that kinda milky film over the other!
1578745 I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.(Eh well third but you know gotta stick with the quotes )
1578721 Yikes, o.k. from now on NO ONE ticks off Tydal got it?!
1578112 And you beat me to pointing out that he pointed it out before me.
Follow the screaming road, follow the screaming road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Follow the screaming road.
Follow the screams, follow the screams.
Follow the screaming road.
We're off to fetch Tydal, Tydal Destroyer of Fools.
1578915
HAH! THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS WINS!
Alas poor Flasher, you will never be forgotten. Unfortunately.
"follow the screams" is that from the lost world of jurassic park
IS it wrong that I'm beginning to look forward to the intros more then to the story itself? Not that I dislike the story (because I don't.. it's one of the first things I look for when I check for updates); the off-the-wall insanity of the intros is just that good.
And also:
What does it say about me that part of me dreams of the day when I can use that line in everyday life...
1578013
It's why the townsfolk stopped fighting. Can't fight what can't die!
I feel like that "Thunder Thighs" thing was a Family Guy ref.
1579462
I love writing the cold opens. They are just so funny and insane. So no, I have no problem with you loving them.
1579006 hmmm How about we call it a draw then?
1581495
Funny and insane ... as opposed to the rest of the chapter, which is an intense techno-thriller exploring the Machiavellian inner workings of Equestrian politics?
1582088
Fair enough.
1578013
We all know you respawn after a few seconds assuming your not out of lives.
I binged on all the updates this story had...
My ribs hurt now from laughing!
DAMN YOU defender2222! Your story has made me into a giggling fool!
I laughed oh so hard. Tydal definitely reminds me of Richard from Looking For Group.
Oh Hello King Arthur!
1577995
No, no. That'd be either Pinkie Pie. Or maybe Derpy.
The Abbott and Costello reference, I gotta say I didn't think anyone remembered them
Poor Pinkie, always wanted to read a fic on which everpony knew she started a war And I love Tydal, he's my favorite Everypony save for a few and the Gods are stupid as buck, and DERPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We seriously need more of her Can I kill Buleblood now?
1578460 You can say, though I'm either way for it and it's Derpy so I'll love her no matter what
Also "You're going to have to speak up, I can’t hear you over the murder," Luna said harshly. Was this a Spawn refence?
flasher just being murdered in the backround over there..
'can i borrow this hammer?'
also, i swear that there's some scenes in the show where they use real wepons,
hmm....can't be bothered to check
I'm not sure how this will end, but I doubt it will be good. But in a humorous way of course.
waitWaitWAIT!! go back i wanna read more!!
lol thats exactly what the doctor said
All the song references and the Monty Python reference get you a facehoof and a mustached purple dragon.
2171976
There was a semi-legitimate cannon, and I think the guards have spears.
<<Braeburn frowned. “What’s this ‘magic’ you speak of? You don’t mean sorcery, do you? Because if so, we already lent out our witch-burning kit to Cousin Applejack.">>
If the Apple family keeps accusing unicorns as witches...
<<“We… don’t have a hangspony.”
“Then how do you kill your criminals?”
Braeburn scratched his head. “We don’t rightly do that, Sheriff.”
Luna frowned. “So you imprison them for life?”
“Course not! We just asked them nicely not to do it again!” Braeburn grinned like a brain-damaged idiot (which he was so it was easy).>>
...Totally works!
Well, Blueblood never said where they had to wear the socks.
In the end, Luna really just needed to use Cadance to threaten them. And what sort of depraved monster could be so perverse as to offend her?!