Hairy Grabber and the Something Something of Someotherthing
"Gaa!"
"Twi, what's wrong?" Spike rubbed his eyes as Twilight reached over and flicked on a light. A glance at the clock told him it was 3 in the morning.
"I had the weirdest dream," Twilight stated, rubbing the bits of sleep from her eyes.
Spike swung his legs around, placing his feet on the floor. He shivered, looking for the pair of slippers Rarity had bought him, and quickly slipped them on to ensure his toes stayed nice and toasty. "This isn't the one where you were a table, is it?"
"No Spike," Twilight said in annoyance, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. "No... this one was different. I mean, you and the girls were in it."
Spike held up a hand. "Wait, let me guess... Pinkie Pie turned out to be an alien overlord sent to destroy every city on the planet with a cupcake cannon."
"...no Spike."
"But that would be cool, wouldn't it? I mean, not the whole destroying cities thing, but the cupcake cannon."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Sure Spike." Shoving the covers off of her, Twilight turned so she could look at her friend/Number 1 Assistant. "In the dream everything was pretty much the same."
"So you were the Princess' student?"
"Uh huh."
"And we ran the library and Applejack was a farmer and Pinkie was... well, Pinkie?"
"Right... except we weren't ourselves."
"What were we then? Not... zombies!"
Twilight scoffed. "No Spike, not zombies."
“Ok, so it doesn’t sound that bad.”
Twilight frowned. “Well, of course it wasn’t bad, but it was weird. I mean, first off we were really, really… backwards.”
“Backwards?”
“Technology wise. Maybe 70 years behind where we are now. Of course, that should be expected, considering…”
"Considering what?"
"We were... ponies."
The 18 year old raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Ponies?"
Twilight ran her fingers through her hair. "Yup. Pastel ponies."
"Pastel."
The young woman nodded. "Yeah... I mean, we kinda looked like ourselves... we all had the same haircuts and our faces were similar-" Spike shuddered at the thought of Twilight's face plastered on a pony's body, "-and we talked like ourselves and everything was pretty much like it is now except we were ponies."
Spike grimaced. "Could I not be a pony?"
"Actually, you were a baby dragon."
"Well... that is a touch better," Spike grunted. "Next time I think you shouldn't try any of Derpy's special muffins. They seem to make you dream crazy things."
"Maybe you're-" Twilight cellphone buzzed. Flicking it open, Twilight stared at the number before bringing the phone to her ear. "Yeah Dash?"
"Heeeeeeeeeyyyyy Twilgiht," Rainbow slurred. "Gild...Gild...hic... Gilda just texted me... she had a dream she was a griffon... how... how screwed up is that?"
"I hate it when she drunk dials me," Twilight muttered.
The God Squad
Episode 32: Hairy Grabber and the Something Something of Someotherthing.
"Hones, what is blazes should we do now?" Watcher asked, ducking as a bolt of magic flew over his head.
"Do our best to remain safe until our companions can handle these Death Lickers."
"Do you believe they can defeat them?" Watcher asked.
"I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!" Tydal screamed in glee, leaping over their heads and decapitating three griffins.
"...ok, stupid question, but what about the females. I so worry that-"
"RUN!" Two Death Lickers screamed in fear.
"WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Cadence exclaimed. She was riding on Celestia's back, throwing hand grenades at anything that moved.
"Maybe I should just shut my fat beak."
Hones nodded. "That might be a good idea."
Shining landed next to Luna, having just avoided a rather nasty curse (said curse, Forgettecus Pissicus, which made one forget what urinating was; it was one of the UnNice Ones). "I am getting really tired of our trips ending in battle!"
"Not me... this is like old times!" Luna's horn glowed and she sent one of her own spells out (One that made anypony hit with it think their noses had turned into moon pies).
"That's because you were raised by a crazy war god!" Shining complained, erecting a barrier just as several Bloody Nose Spells were sent his way. "The rest of us had normal childhoods."
"Right, because living with Twilight Sparkle was normal?"
"...I respectfully retract my statement."
Fuzzy stared at Gilda, his eyes sad but full of determination. "You can not win, Gilda... if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you could possible imagine."
"So... I should let you strike me and I will become more powerful than I could possibly imagine?"
"...no."
"You hesitated, grandpa."
"...no."
"Just a quick question," Tydal said, pausing long enough in his fight to lean his head towards the two fighting family members. "Is anyone else bothered that Gilda doesn't have a griffish accent. Hell, I have more of an accent than her." His tail swung and he slit the throat of another Death Licker. “It isn’t a big deal but I am curious.”
Gilda rolled her eyes. "I practically grew up in Equestria, that is why I talk like this."
"Right, very good," Tydal flicked his tail, slashing at a Death Licker that attempted to impale him with a coat rack. "Please continue pointing your long wooden sticks at each other till stuff shoots out... it is in no way gay."
"Gilded Beauty, why are you doing this?" Fuzzy asked, countering one of her spells.
"First, my name is Gilda! That is tough and macho, like me! Second, I am doing this to prove my love to Rainbow Dash!"
"Oh, I know her!" Celestia said, landing next to Gilda, Cadence leaping off her back. "She's dating Applejack, right?"
Cadence nodded. “Yeah, Scootaloo is there kid, right?”
Luna frowned, having abandoned her hiding spot to join in on the conversation. "Wait, I thought you were in a steady relationship with Trixie and Scootaloo is your adopted daughter; that is what Iron Will told me, at least.”
Cadence sighed. “Oh, why must there be so many secret origins of Scootaloo.” She turned towards the fourth wall and winked.
Gilda, noticing that all the other Death Lickers had stopped fighting so they could hear her backstory, sighed. "If you must know, Trixie and I are Moanons."
"What's a Moanon?" Shining asked.
"We were founded 100 years ago... truth be told, I'm not really a part of the religion, I just like having multiple sex partners.
Tydal frowned. "Wow... that is offensive, even for me."
"I'm sure you've heard worse," Gilda argued.
Luna shook her head. "Nope, and Cadence declared herself the Pope of Orgies last week."
"Dominus Screwinus," Cadence said serenely.
"... well, it doesn't matter! I am going to make Rainbow Dash love me by murdering Hairy Grabber!"
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "And I thought my little ponies were stupid."
"Enough, Gilda!" From the shadows emerged Moldy Wart, He Who Can Be Named But Only on Sundays, The Dark Lord (though he doesn't have the paperwork to back that up), and the Heir to Sipperin. He was a thin, pale griffin with dark red eyes and a small, hook-like beak. His head was bald and his body lean, yet filled with tough old muscle like that of a python. He wore simple dark robes and a wand was in his pocket (obviously, he wasn't happy to see you). "This is my fight, not yours."
"Yes, my lord," Gilda said, bowing.
"Yes my lord," Luna mocked.
"Ah yes... what a wonderful day this is!" The Dark Lord prowled towards the group, his Death Lickers gathering around him. "Soon I will destroy both my enemies."
"I will not fall... not here," Fuzzy said.
"Not you, you old bat!" Moldy snapped.
Celestia leveled her horn at Moldy. "Many have tried-"
"What?" Moldy exclaimed in shock. "You honestly think I would want to destroy any of you?" He waved his paw at the Equestrians. "I kill you and we have no sun, no moon, no sea, no love and... uh..." Moldy looked at Shining. "What are you the god of?"
"Sanity," Tydal supplied quickly. "Discord's opposite."
“Thanks,” Shining whispered.
"Right right, very good," Moldy said. "Thank you, Lord Tydal. No, I have no problems with you five. My enemy..."
"Is me," Hones said coolly, walking towards the Dark Lord. "I must say, it was quite clever of you to set up the clues as you did. You knew that I would see your claws moving the pieces but I would be unable to do anything until this juncture."
"Indeed, Mr. Hones," Moldy said.
"I don't understand," Watcher stated, his brow furrowed as he tried to make sense of this new development.
"You see, my dear Watcher, this is not Moldy Wart, but instead Professor MoldWarty, the criminal mastermind who controls all black market deals. I have been seeking to cripple him for some time."
"And you nearly succeeded, though you will not have long to savor your victory!" Moldy leapt at Hones, grappling with him, while Gilda and Fuzzy continued their magical duel.
"... we don't need to stick around for this, do we?" Cadence asked. "I think they have everything handled."
"Yes, I believe you are right," Celestia stated, slowly backing away. "Let us-"
Their path was impeded by the sudden appearance of a blue police box.
"Hello there, I figured I would stop in-" The Doctor looked at the insanity and frowned. "Nevermind, I see I have come at a bad time!"
As Doctor Whooves hurried back into his box a stray magical bolt struck the TADRIS’ Deus Ex Machina panel, causing it to spark. The Doctor did not have time to stop his trip through time, so there was nothing he could do as the rip in the fabric of space and time remained open, even after his leaving. The pull of the vortex was great and the combatants quickly decided to take their fights to the Denny's next door.
"AAAA!" Shining yelped as he was hit by a book caught in the vortex's pull and was ripped towards the yawning maw. He closed his eyes, bracing for the worst, only to open his eyes when he felt himself come to a halt.
"Hold on, Shining!" Tydal called out, straining to pull the captain away from the vortex. His tail thrashed and his legs buckled and Luna was forced to grab onto Tydal's back legs and attempt to keep her brother-in-law and brother from being gobbled up.
It didn't work.
"Celestia!" Luna screamed as she began to slide, Cadence and Celestia rushing over and straining to keep the others from being warped away. "I'm loosing my grip!"
"What do we do?" Cadence screeched.
Celestia grit her teeth. "We have to fight... if we are sucked in we could end up anywhere!"
"Let me go!" Shining called out, hooves touching the vortex's outer edge. "Save yourselves."
The alicorn sisters shared a looked, then glanced at Cadence and Tydal, who nodded.
"We're family," Celestia said simply as she stopped fighting the pull.
"Into the breach," Tydal stated, drawing himself closer to Shining and wrapping his forelegs around him. Cadence, Luna and Celestia joined them, the five hugging each other as they were sucked into the vortex, never to be seen again.
Just kidding.
Shining groaned as he awoke. The sun was shining in his eyes and the smell of the sea hit his nostrils. He groaned, struggling to get up, sand clinging to his back. Twisting so he was flat on his belly, he looked around, trying to figure out where the hell he was. All he saw were palm trees and wild overgrowth, making the world three distinct colors: sandy brown, green, and sky blue.
He heard some muttering and turned, watching as Celestia tried to rip a sea shell from her horn. Luna had landed in the surf and was covered in seaweed, while Cadence was still out of it, her rump sticking up in the air. Tydal was above him, stuck in a tree and cursing everything and anything.
"Are you alight, Shining?" Celestia asked.
"Fine, Princess, fine." Shining spit out some sand and used his magic to help Tydal down. "Where are we?"
"Hard to tell," Luna said, looking out at the water. "We could be anywhere, really."
"Not anywhere," Tydal whispered, staring in the opposite direction as the rest of them. Shining turned, seeing only green, then realized he needed to look UP.
"By the Creator," Celestia whispered.
A great black castle rose up over the jungle, its spires towering over them. It looked to be carved out of obsidian and thousands of windows lined its towers and walls. The castle rivaled Canterlot's in size and magnificence and even the alicorns felt small in its presence.
"What... is that?" Shining asked.
Luna swallowed. "Well... I guess we won't be sidetracked anymore."
Shining whipped around to stare at her. "You mean..."
Tydal nodded, answering for his sister. "Welcome to the Changeling Hive."
Cadence snored. "Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts!" She mumbled something then went back to sleep.
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That is right, folks, we have finally arrived... for those of you that complained and thought we would never arrive at this point... the Changelings.
Things are about to get interesting.
Way to kill the mood, Cadence!
Oh, pooh. That means that the story arc is drawing to a close.
It's payback time!
Nooooooo, it can't end, it's impossible! The show must go on!
Tydal. . . Tydal is best OC. By that I mean oceanic creature of course. It is easy to say Tydal respects Shinning as more than a punching bag, but this chapter proves it.
Is it strange that I read this as much for the characters as the jokes? Anyway, keep up the good work, and we need more Tydal!
2088528
You honestly think reaching the place they wanted to go means the end of the story?
2088486 .......Well played. Anyway the story started to get a bit incoherent during the middle of the fight, so you might want to tighten it up a bit. I think it's about the time that Denny's comes into the equation that needs it most.
Though considering the distance of the changeling hive, does this mean that Chrysalis launched the attack on Canterlot from her summer home? Ether way I look forward to seeing how this ends considering what you mentioned a while back concerning changeling fans.
Awww I liked getting sidetracked it reminded me of skyrim
2088535
...how could I have ever doubted you?
will the changlings give them another side quest we will never know!
Dominus Screwinus... yes your most 'hole'inus. Oh god... the jokes!
2088549
No sidequests. No more diversions. The God Squad is going after the Changelings, period.
Except the Changelings might not be what anyone was expecting...
So... it only took a massive breach of time and space to reach the climax.
Who was it who had that down in the betting, anyway?
There is a picture for that cold opening, just can't find it!
I laughed so hard at Tydal's explanation for what Shining was the god of.
I don't see that lasting much longer!
Time for a showdown with Chrysalis!
Well that was convenient.
2088563
That changeling is a spy?
2088563
So are they professional actors, rehearsing their next big musical number "Call Upon the Seaponies"? Maybe mercenaries, who never got paid for their attack on Canterlot, and aren't against joining Canterlot in the resulting revenge? Are they really bees (really big bees) in disguise? Are they all obsessed with hats, using them to tell each other apart? Something like the Borg? Landsharks? What parasprites turn into when they grow up? Flutterponies playing a huge prank over the course of centuries? Come on man, you can't just leave us in the dark after saying something like that!
2088486
... Is this before the Canterlot Invasion? And they give Chrysalis the idea to invade in retaliation for their horrible crimes against the changeling collective? Also, I vote for the TARDIS as the best Final Fantasy game.
2088774
After... that's why they are going after the changelings.
...Oh yeah, they were hunting changelings, weren't they?
And here I thought they were going to spend five chapters traveling through time.
This was the most random chapter so far…
I LIKE IT.
2088867
But it was a TARDIS ex Machina - therefore, this could be before Shining was born! Or, 5000 years in the future. You know. If that wouldn't completely ruin the fun and joking nature of this fic.
2088975
more random than the army led by scootaloo?
2089201
This story gets more random by the chapter...I love it!
2088563
This is the changelings before they attacked Canterlot due to time shenanigans. The attack on Canterlot is revenge for the attack on the changeling hive. Which leads to the attack on the changeling hive as revenge for the attack on Canterlot in a stable time loop.
Wibbly wobbly timey whimey.
>>>Shining landed next to Luna, having just avoided a rather nasty curse (said curse, Forgettecus Pissicus, which made one forget what urinating was; it was one of the UnNice Ones). "I am getting really tired of our trips ending in battle!">>>
My favorite Unnice Curse is Socialisticus Accepticus, which is a diabolical curse meant to destroy an entire nation from within by making its citizens believe that socialism is a viable system for a large population and that no one in power would ever dream of abusing it. (Alondro used this on the USA in the year 1999...) It's working perfectly...
>>>Cadence sighed. “Oh, why must there be so many secret origins of Scootaloo.” She turned towards the fourth wall and winked.>>>
>>>"You see, my dear Watcher, this is not Moldy Wart, but instead Professor MoldWarty, the criminal mastermind who controls all black market deals. I have been seeking to cripple him for some time.">>>
And this, good ponies, is how you set up a twist that is both totally ridiculous and yet makes absolutely flawless contextual sense, and delivers a knock-out comic punch all at the same time.
I am greatly pleased.
2090006
*Gasp!*
You! You did this!!! Maniac! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! Celestia- Wait... I think I did that already. Time Travel is confusing.
Though how does Alicorn Twilight stop Derpy? Also I like Alicorn Twilight, maybe.
I'm wondering. Since they went through the same portal as the tardis what time did they arrive at the hive? I mean it could be even before the attack
Grammar/Spell Check powers, activate!
You misspelled "Alright" near the end of the chapter
But yeah I love this fic and everything about it
Well the fight was interesting.... Well at least they made it, now onward to the Changeling Hive.
Quite a nice chapter.
Would like to point out this:
Should be 'their'
Other than that, awesomeness
2088563 Changelings.... FROM THE FUTURE!!!
I want the conversation with Crysalis to go something like this lol
Dear author who I hold responsible for the death of one of the UK's greatest shooters,
Please make a Buzz Killington reference at some point,
Love, Night Sky
Candence landed with her rump in the air.
So what else is new? Oh right, she's unconscious this time.
2090098 Then there's only one solution: I must cause as much chaos as possible, so that the Doctor is near Derpy the entire time, and thus she won't be able to kill River.
---
*Goes back in time*
"Hey, isn't AJ more of a background pony than anything else?"
---
*writes Cupcakes*
---
*Causes the Gryphons to become civilized and proper gentlemen*
---
"Bic Mac, I am from the future. Listen very carefully. In order to prevent the holocaust, you must only say 'eeyup' and 'nnope' for the rest of your life"
---
"Hey ponies, how dare Trixie try to perform for you, let's all bully her into leaving"
"great idea!"
---
and that's how equestria was made
2075020 ellspay igpay orrectkay. ollay.
2093262
None of that causes chaos. All of that leads the world to be exactly as it is... which means that Derpy kills River because you went back in time to cause Chaos! You killed River!
2093307
...DAMMIT!
Only one solution then. I need to go back in time, and kill the doctor.
2092975
I don't remember if it's mentioned in TGS, or in TMSOoS, but scootaverse!Cadence is suffering from PTSD-induced nymphomania brought on by the Changeling invasion of Canterlot.
2093388
None of this solves anything! Well, okay Derpy wouldn't kill RIver if she never met the Doctor, but come one, everyone and their cat has tried that.
2093946 But everyone and their cat didn't have... AN M82 .50 CAL SNIPER RIFLE!!!! world.guns.ru/userfiles/images/sniper/sn02/barrett_m82a1.jpg
Thank god! No more sidetracking now! It's time for Changeling ass-kicking! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....ha.......ahh...........this is the end, ain't it?
2094046
http://www.ourhonordefend.com/wp-content/uploads/sniper-cat.jpg
You would be wrong about that.
2094777 That's a pussy rifle, it couldn't go through the TARDIS and hit him. But just to be sure... I'll need a bigger gun. Do you think the doctor will be able to regenerate after a .950 cal went through him? ts2.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4801276113783137&pid=15.1