Jaws 5, People Nothing
In the world of evil-stopping there are two types of ponies: those that are the main characters that get all the screen time, and the ones that are in the background who have fanon personalities. These are their stories.
Ponyville Museum, 10 am
"Better be ready, detectives, this one is not going to be pretty," the officer guarding the door stated with a grunt.
Hard nosed, take-no-guff detective (and sometimes classical cello player) Octavia merely nodded her head, biting back a retort. These scenes were never pretty and telling her that did nothing to help her mood. She ducked under the rope and joined her partner (the hard living, hard drinking, hard music playin' unicorn) Vinyl Scratch. She merely nodded her thanks when the white unicorn passed her a cup of coffee, taking a deep sip. While Octavia could not be called a 'morning pony', she was doing a lot better than her partner, who seemed to be barely living, let alone awake. Vinyl had her trademark sunglasses on (hiding her bloodshot eyes), her mane was sticking up all over, and there was a bruise on her cheek for reasons Octavia didn’t want to know about.
"Have a fun time last night?" Octavia asked dryly. If any other pony had said it Vinyl would have assumed that comment to be a snarky insult; with Octavia there was no need to assume.
"Some of us enjoy life rather than having a stick up their ass."
"And some would rather have the stick up their ass than be beaten to near death with it."
"Always knew you swung that way," Vinyl said, barely managing to crack a smile. She took another long sip of her coffee before continuing. "Thunderlane is here."
Octavia grunted in annoyance. The private eye was smart and she had to admit he had a way of breaking cases, but there was nothing an official detective hated more than dealing with a rank amateur.
"It was bright and the sun out, though that did little to chase away the gloom of death," Thunderlane narrated to himself, adjusting the fedora he always wore (except when he didn't). "The sun only served to shine a spotlight on the misery and the filth that made up the city."
"I see he is in top form today," Octavia muttered. She lowered herself down, inspecting the managed form of the pony that had been found by the curator, Mr. Piles. "I know this pony."
"You do?" Vinyl said in surprise. "Who is it?"
"Low Beat... very talented musician... he use to be able to play sax or the violin."
"Use to?" Vinyl asked, using her magic to lift up Low Beat's foreleg, inspecting it for clues. "What happened?"
Octavia let out a sigh. "He got in deep with the wrong ponies and they broke his horn.” She gestured to the stallion’s horn, which had faded break marks all over it. “You know once a horn is broken the magic is never quite the same again. He was... ok, but you knew something was wrong with his music." Ocatvia shut her eyes. "Music was all he had... last I heard he was seeking out any pony he could find hoping they could repair his horn."
"You think the killer might have been somepony he went too?"
"Perhaps."
Vinyl took off her sunglasses. "Well, in that case it looks like our killer's motto was if the pony’s broke..." Vinyl slipped on her sunglasses again, "...don't fix him."
"YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Snowflake screamed behind them.
"Somepony get him out of here!" Octavia shouted, before turning to glare at Vinyl. "I thought I told you to stop inviting your brother to crime scenes!"
The God Squad
Episode 27: Jaws 5, People Nothing
"So, you look happy as a clam," Cadence said, hovering over her husband. "Or a clam that got a happy."
Shining merely smiled, using his magic to bring his strawberry shake to his lips, giving the mix a nice long slurp. He was wearing a pair of swim trunks and happily bobbing up and down on an inner tube, enjoying Celestia's sun as it shined down upon him. The Mareatine caused his inner tube to rock back and forth, just gentle enough to soothe him without making him sick to his stomach.
"Sweetie, this ALMOST makes up for all the pain and tumor-inducing stupidity I've had to deal with the last few weeks." He paused, taking another sip of his magically enchanted drink (an invention of Princess Misty’s which never got emptied… if Shining weren’t already married he would have run away with the capricorn princess right then and there). “Or living with a bunch of capricorns that worship Tydal.”
Cadence nodded, leaning down and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Well, I for one am glad that you are finally enjoying yourself."
Shining raised his glass in a toast. "Well, once the pranking was done and I could fully enjoy the famous capricorn hospitality, life just turned into one big bag of not-suck."
"I’m glad.” Cadence paused, lips pursed. “So this would be a bad time to mention that there are several sharks circling you?"
Shining merely chuckled, surprising his wife with his casual dismissal of the 5 great whites that were closing in on him, their fins cutting through the water. "Not worried in the slightest." Shining lazily ran his forehoof through the water, taunting the sharks.
"And why is that?" Cadence asked nervously, preparing to dive down and save her apparently suicidal husband, if needed.
The unicorn grinned. "Because Tydal and I cut a deal: I serve as bait and he doesn't let them eat me."
One of the great whites leapt out of the air, jaws opened wide and eyes rolling back as it prepared for the kill. Cadence let out a scream and charged her horn, but she knew that it would be too late. There was a splash of hot blood and the other sharks began to thrash at the smell of the crimson life fluid.
But it was the shark's blood and not Shining's that now dyed the water.
“And I get more of these drinks whenever I want,” Shining stated calmly, taking another sip.
"I am shocked you have so much faith in me, Shining," Tydal said as he popped up to the surface. He shook his tail free of blood and used his magic to lift the shark's corpse up, grinning to himself as he saw that he had fillet the thing with one mighty swipe. His magic flared and he sent it to the chefs that were waiting to use ancient capricorn cooking secrets to make the sharkmeat into a delicious meal (the secret was adding a lot of ketchup).
"It's not faith, it is knowledge... I know you wouldn't risk me getting hurt because if I perish Cadence will terrorize you till the end of time."
Cadence bobbed her head happily. "Yup yup!"
"Clever boy," Tydal chuckled, focusing as he made the ocean swirl and dilute the bloody water till the sea returned to its normal crystal clear. He watched the retreating forms of the other great whites and pouted. "Pity... I would have liked to nab another." His men would get the rest of them, but Tydal’s hunt was done (he’d promised Merida not to get too far from the Keep, as she was already annoyed he would be leaving with his sisters in a day).
"Why all the fuss over a shark?" Cadence asked as she hovered an inch above the water.
"The sharks have learned to fear capricorns. That's why I had to bring Shining this many miles away from my Keep; they won't go anywhere we make our hunting grounds. When we awoke from our stone sleep we were able to catch plenty but now old instincts are coming back and I am forced to resort to these tricks."
"Aren't you half shark yourself?" Shining asked, taking a sip of his drink. "Isn't it weird to be... you know, eating other sharks?"
"As long as it doesn't have goat in it, it's kosher."
"Don't get comfy, Shining," Luna said as she dived down to join the others, her sister hot on her heels. "The ship is ready."
Tydal shook his head. "Traveling over the water... it still sounds strange to me." He shrugged and dove under the waves again, deciding to take one last dip before he was forced to get on the 'boat'. Within moments he was far below them, rocketing through the water and checking on his coastline.
"So, what exactly are we naming the ship?" Cadence asked.
"Why does that matter?" Celestia questioned.
"Because every ship needs a great name!" Cadence would have been bouncing if she weren't flying. "It is... Seamenship 101."
Shining blinked. "You aren't going to giggle at that?"
"Giggle at what?"
"Seamen."
"Why would I?" Cadence asked in confusion.
"... alright then." Shining turned to his rulers/aunts-in-law. "So, did you name it?"
Luna puffed up her chest. "Yes, and it is quite a good name. You see, the only ship we could buy was a grand galleon... or it was. Now it has become a wreck of itself... it has been painted too many times, hauled way too much alcohol, seen many seamen on its deck and is basically a trainwreck." Luna pointed to the shore, where the ship was bobbing in the waters. "Thus, I give you the E.S. Lindsey Lohan!"
"...I still don't get it... what's the joke with seamen?" Cadence asked.
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Cadence doesn't know what "seamen" is?
AWESOME.
Oh, poor poor Cadence...
The ship name at the end just killed me.
What you did thar, I see it
1958712 Perhaps maybe you "Sea" it?
1958723
Well played Mauer.
....ES Lindsay Lohan.....oh you.
I love and yet hate that you post so many chapter, hate because it makes any other story I read seem slow and also because you take up a spot in the feature box, but love for all the obvious reasons
If Cadence was like this in cannon then she would be best princess
SHARK BAIT!
OOH-AAH-HAA!
The puns in this are almost as distracting as the movie quotes in Faith and Doubt. They're both great, but it's a little jarring.
You sir, are the pungeon master.
Good job.
Playing Seaman for the Sega Dreamcast brought similar giggles. Someone sees the fish with the man face and ask you what your playing, you say, "I'm playing with seaman."
Fun chapter and I wish I had a never ending goblet of booze.
Yes
That's all I have to say
About time Shining Armor had a chance to unwind after everything he puts up with.
Too bad his vacation had to be cut short.
Also that ship at end, I think a better term for it Luna would be '"It's basically a shipwreck."
Just because I figure this is appropriate for the story, I present a Capricorn!
2.bp.blogspot.com/-8lowhLWjUkI/UOS95VvTunI/AAAAAAABM5g/MbjnzDaHt5s/s640/4.png
They should have named the ship "Boatmurdered"... it would have been entirely appropriate.
Anyway, another side-splitting chapter of goodness. I don't understand how you are able to produce all this so quickly, but I certainly won't complain.
I can't stop laughing at the ship name!
I suppose now would be the time to mention that "yep" in Russian means "sex". (Yup is close enough to make me laugh.)
What's long, hard, full of seamen, goes deep, and no matter how big it is, Cadence wants to try to fuck it?
dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133091705004.jpg
first comment since i started reading this...into the faves it goes...
XDDDD
The instant I saw this chapter's title, I thought of this:
Yes, I have issues. AND I LIKE THEM!!!
1959747 Smells fishy too. (Alondro is booed off the stage.)
1958689
She's seeing it Like Pinkie Pie. If it had been spelled differentially, she'd be giggling so hard there'd be no ghosts anywhere in Equestria.
1964278 Ghost problem?
Shoot laughing gas at Pinkie.
1962173 Hey, at least you had the oppor-tuna-ty to make a horrible fish pun...
1961381 The yellow submarine?
1966848 Nope. It's horsecock.
Great chapter, liked the opening that brings in Thunderlane from the Amber Apple but mostly I like the jokes about the boat's name. Awaiting the next chapter.
Vinyl is Snowflake's sister?
.
.
.
Seems legit!
1960651
Huh. Strange. My birthday is at 3rd of January :I
Great White Shark meat is actually inedible. At least for humans. Capricorns may be able to eat anything.
Your story is really fun!
Awkward, but fun!
Nerdy, but fun!
Silly, but fun!
Purple, but fun!
Secret, but fun!
Not fun...but fun!
Fun, Fun!
Fun, Fun!
Seriously though, your chapter was great.
Ha, sharks are amazing, this was good, not my favorite but good
And that was the best cold opening I ever seen, loved every second, also.....was that a Ducky refence from the Land before time?
HAHA! gotta love those openings. YEEEAAAAHH!
hooray for fannon!
Shining and Tydal
e621.net/data/fc/c2/fcc2bb2071abd73d3c2259ca27be9101.png
Cadence is oblivious to life.....
1961193
Yep means WHAT?
2350297 Yeah. I am surprised that the alicorn of love didn't get that joke too.
1968962 I was more like:
dafuq?
1961193 i thought you were joking!
but it isn't the verb form, its kind of like a curse, not the actual word.
I think Vinyl and Octavia need mopre screen time.
defender2222, will you marry me?
...Tydal's wife is Merida from Brave, isn't she?
T
Short, but sweet.
SHOTS FIRED!
*sigh* Really? Really?
Snowflake is related to Vinyl? That's new.
She's willing to dive, nice.
Wow, he really trusts him.
He's right.
I see.
Because that'd be what we'd expect. Which is why this is funny.
OUCH! That one was particularly vicious.
Heeheeheehee, cute~
In my opinion, (digs in pocket) you (pulls out shades) got away with that (puts on shades) without a scratch.
If you can figure out the link between that and my current profile pic, props to ya.