The God Squad

by defender2222

Insert Generic 'Crystal Empire Is About Meth' Joke

"Ya sure you can manage watchin' these three, Mayor Mare?"

The Mayor waved off Applejack's concerns. "My dear, I funded my first campaign by babysitting fillies... I think I can manage these three angels." She turned towards the Cutie Mark Crusadaers; Applebloom and Scootaloo were sporting angelic smiles and halos... while Sweetie Belle had horns and a small pitchfork.

"Wrong look!" Scootaloo hissed.

"Oh... right!" Sweetie tossed away the devil gear and adopted a look of kindness and innocence.

"Right..." Applejack said, adjusting her hat.

"While I don't mind watching these three while you girls are in the Crystal Empire... where is Big Macintosh, Granny Smith and Scootaloo's parents?"

Applejack frowned. "It's weird... they all came down with the flu at the same time and had to be quarantined... left it all in a note on my table…"

~Meanwhile, at the Crystal Empire Casino...~

"Seven!" the attendant called out.

"EEYUP!" Mac cried in glee as he gathered up his winnings.

Quick Cut nodded, kissing his wife for luck. "Big money, big money!"

Granny shook the dice. "Can I get another whiskey over here?"

“To abandoning our fillies!” Sweetie’s mother cried out.

“HERE HERE!” everypony in the casino cheered.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Now then," Applejack said, making her way towards the door, "you'll be fine as long as you remember to never get'em wet and never ta feed'em after midnight."

"... isn't that how you avoid making gremlins?"

"Trust me, it works here too."

The God Squd
Episode 38: Insert Generic 'Crystal Empire Is About Meth' Joke

"Sister, I am... concerned."

Celestia looked over at her sister, her brow furrowed. "What do you mean? What are you concerned about?"

Luna took several more steps into Celestia's chambers. "Big sister, I know you do so enjoy chess-"

"It is the game of the gods... well, actually skee ball is, but you get the idea."

"Quite. And I know how you enjoy playing chess with other ponies’ lives in the balance."

"Of course," Celestia said sweetly. "It adds just the right touch of danger and I so do enjoy plotting."

"It even says so on the title card for this fic," Wall Breaker commented as he walked past them.

Luna and Celestia waited until the strange guard was gone before continuing their conversation. "And while that is all well and good, I am a bit concerned that, with this latest scheme, you have taken things just a touch too far."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, for starters, you have converted your bedroom into a giant chess set and are using living ponies as the pieces." Luna gestured towards the large board that dominated the room, Celestia flying just overhead so she could inspect it carefully from the proper angles. "Do you not think this a bit extreme?"

"Not at all... bishop to queen 5." One of the ponies leapt over to the spot and looked up at Celestia, waiting to see what her next move would be.

"Sister, there are so many problems with this... when ponies speak of 'playing chess with ponies’ lives', they don't mean assigning those ponies actually chess pieces." Luna jabbed her hoof at a pawn that wore a shirt with Twilight's face on it. "How is this helpful for getting my daughter to ascend?"

"Shhhh, I am concentrating."

"Second, think of these poor ponies! For Creator's sake, the white king's rook has MBA in business!"

The rook shrugged. "It's a living."

Celestia used her magic to zap the pony. "Rooks don't have mouths so you can't talk!"

"But-"

"No talk!" Celestia shouted.

Luna shook her head. "And they say YOU are the sane one?" When it was clear that Celestia would not see reason, Luna turned with a huff. "So, this is what was more important than helping me find Tydal?"

"Yes... Tydal will be fine, he just disappeared for a few days... I am sure he will turn up."

~MC~MC~MC~

"What do you think?" Tydal said, modeling his new white parka and winter boots for King Sombra. The capricorn king was decked out from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail in winter gear, as the last thing he wanted to do was go out into the frigid Crystal Mountains without the proper clothing. He wasn't foolish enough to attempt the trek without it... he had no desire to become a frozen fish stick.

"Gro gra!" Sombra said impatiently, stomping his hooves. He wanted to get going and reclaim his throne as fast as possible... then he would have the annoying capricorn that kept him on a leash put to death for daring to insult the great and mighty Sombra.

Tydal tilted his head, watching as the dark magic began to seep out of Sombra's pores. "Wiggles, I don't like the look of that purple stuff coming out of you... I think you should have a bath."

"Grato?" Sombra said in confusion just as Tydal summoned a bathtub to them. "GROM!"

"Sshhhh, stop barking and let me put the flea and tick shampoo in."

"Groh giet," Sombra grumbled, crossing his forelegs over his chest as Tydal began to massage the shampoo into his mane.

~MC~MC~MC~

"And then we will set up the funnel cake stand over there," Applejack said, pointing out a spot to Shining Armor. The unicorn tried to pay attention, but his mind was elsewhere (and it didn't help that he had FREAKING BLACK CRYSTALS SHOVED THROUGH HIS HORN!).

"And you are gonna have the crystal bacon, eh?" one of the ponies the girls had selected to help them asked.

Applejack made a face. "Bacon? Isn't that made from-"

"Crystal bacon is just tofu," Shining said wearily.

"Then why-"

"I don't know why they call it bacon, they just do."

"Eh, you don't know da story of how crystal bacon got its name? Well, let me tell ya... it was aboot 20 years ago for us that that the Prime Minister, eh..."

Shining and Applejack tuned the pony out. "So... how is married life treatin' ya?" Applejack asked.

The captain tried to muster a smile. "It's... the best..." Even to him that felt forced. "So... you run a farm, right?"

"Yup! Sweet Apple Acres! Best apples-"

"You ever do it with one of your cows?"

"WHAT?!?!"

Shining blinked, realizing what he had said. "Oh Celestia, I am so sorry! That came out horrible and I should have never said it! I am so sorry!"

Applejack just stared at him in annoyance. "Fella, you have a funny way of makin' small talk."

"I am truly sorry."

Applejack finally nodded. "Don't ya worry none about it... we'll forget it ever happened."

"Good," Shining said. "So... are you enjoying your salad?"

"We... we aren't eating anything."

"Right... so you ever do it with one of your cows?"

"You no good-!"

Applejack never finished because, to her utter shock and horror, Shining Armor began to cry.

"I am so sorry... I'm not sleeping well and I am so depressed and I haven't had sex in days since Cadence went back on her meds and I am just so miserable here in this stupid country with these stupid, brain dead ponies..." he glanced over at the crystal pony that was following them, "some offense."

"Don't ya mean 'no offense', eh?"

"No, not really."

Applejack weakly patted the stallion on the shoulder. "Uh... there there... please stop sobbing like a bitch."

"I can't help it... when Cadence and I finally got married... you know the real wedding, not the one to the creepy bug pony that is really Celestia and Luna's sister-"

"Say what now?"

"-I was so happy. But these last few days everything has just felt so... wrong. Cadence and I aren't connecting and I look around this place with its stupid, stupid ponies... again, some offense..."

"It's ok, eh" the crystal pony said pleasantly.

"...and I just can't help but wonder if I made a huge mistake being with Cadence. The alicorn I thought I was marrying is not the pony I wake up next to each morning... it feels like we are growing apart and... and..."

Applejack cringed as Shining grasped her legs and began to leak 'liquid shame' (as it sure as hell wasn't liquid pride). "Uh... if I tell ya I did it with one of my cows, will ya stop blubberin' on me?"

~Several Hours Later, outside the Crystal City~

"No Wiggles, slow down!" Tydal shouted, trying to keep up with the unicorn he thought was a dog. Not for the first time Tydal cursed the fact that the tradeoff for being amphibious and agile was that he was slower than most colts, let alone a full grown stallion… or a big black doggie with a red horn. "Wiggles! Bad doggie!"

Sombra paid no heed to Tydal's calls. His moment had come and he would have his revenge on the populace that had dared to hold him captive. He looked upon the capital of the Crystal Empire and laughed in glee as he rushed towards it.

Shining watched as King Sombra invaded the city, dread filling him. It would not be long now before the dark unicorn was upon them and the former captain wondered what exactly he could do to stop all this.

"Throw your wife off the balcony!"

Shining turned, staring at the small muffin with goggley eyes and little bat wings that had suddenly appeared beside him.

"It finally happened, didn't it? I lost my mind."

"No no!" the muffin squeaked. It was actually a cute little thing, if one ignored the fact that it was clearly evil. "I am just a manifestation of all your negative emotions."

"... pull the other one."

The muffin... well, it would have frowned if it had a mouth. "What, you expected something else?"

"Yeah... not a muffin!"

"Would you prefer it if I was some kind of dark alicorn with mirror wings?"

"... that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of."

The muffin's wings flapped as it hovered around the captain. "Come on... just throw your wife off the side of this castle. It ‘ll be fun."

"Let's ignore the fact that my wife has wings... why would I do that?"

"Because you are realizing you are no longer in love with her and marrying Cadence was a mistake!" The muffin giggled as it bounced on Shining's nose. "Throw her off! Throw her off!"

"It will not!" Shining snapped. "Yes, Cadence and my marriage has... hit a rough patch, but that doesn't mean-"

"Shining, look at these!" Cadence said wearily, a box of gray granny panties over beside her. "I know I have been tired and not in the mood for some time, so to make it up to you I bought these! I got them 3 for 1 at the store!" Shining frowned before grabbing Cadence and holding her over his head. "Oh, is this how you are going to defeat King Sombra?"

"Let's go with that," Shining said, preparing to throw.

"Shining... what is with the evil looking muffin?"

~MC~MC~MC~

This was it... King Sombra could feel it in his bones. The Crystal Heart was his. This was the moment where he would take his revenge on the crystal ponies and bring about darkness and suffering throughout the lands-

"Wiggles!"

The dark king growled. The capricorn had been fun to hang around but he had served his purpose and now it was-

"Wiggles, get back here!" Tydal shouted, his parka's hood sinched up so tight he could barely see. "Wiggles, no more walkies!"

"Graba grag gr-grack! Grack!" Sombra began to cough, a large wad of black magic shooting out of his mouth. "By all that is evil, I...never... I can speak! I CAN SPEAK! After so long, I can finally-"

"Throw her off!" the evil muffin screamed. Sombra turned just in time to see the love missile headed right towards him.

"Aw... fu-"

BOOM!

Tydal looked up in horror. "Wiggles?" He took a step closer, only to leap back when King Sombra's horn landed at his hooves. He didn’t even notice that he too had turned into crystal (and, for some odd reason, he now had cornrows). "No... no, he can't..." Tydal took a cautious step closer. "Wait, wait... maybe there is still hope! Everyone always craps themselves right as they-"

"FRRRRRUPPPPPPPPPPPT!"

Tears slipped down Tydal's checks as the horn crapped itself before dissolving. "No... Wiggles... Wiggles... WIGGLES!"

"Lord Tydal?" Rainbow Dash called out, hurrying over to him. "What's wrong?" She sniffed. “And what smells like-“

"Something killed my dog!" Tydal sobbed.

Rainbow grit her teeth. "It must have been that King Sombra... man, is he evil."

"Sombra... Sombra killed Wiggles?" Tydal shook his hoof towards the heavens. "DAMN YOU KING SOMBRA!"

Comments

[defender2222]

i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/evilmuffin_zps44e8f333.png

i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/evilmuffin2_zps6970d2b2.png

That is all.

[CommanderBigMac]

2187724
I want an evil muffin. He will be evil, and he will be mine, and I will call him My Evil Little Muffin.

[Hazy Answer]

ALL HAIL THE EVIL LITTLE MUFFIN!

[GetJinxed]

the last line. lol

[Mr SP]

"Graba grag gr-grack! Grack!" Sombra began to cough, a large wad of black magic shooting out of his mouth. "By all that is evil, I...never... I can speak! I CAN SPEAK! After so long, I can finally-"

Wait! Dogs don't have hairballs!

[ShyasuEasternSun]

LOL That last line....just perfect.

[Raistlin]

Mel Brooks´ History of the World reference

[Juria]

Evil muffin!

[Bookmark88]

This was hilarious, as always, but a small insane part of me actually feels bad for lord insano, um I mean Tydal

[treco89090]

Am I the only one who thought of The A-Team when reading the title?

[alexiszocco]

that south park reference ! this gets funnyer and funnyer

[CrowMagnon]

Evil muffin? Evil muffin?! Oh no... no no nononono, we're doomed! DOOOOOOMED!!! Don't you get it?! SHE has come to ravage the land, raping the men and slaughtering the women! None can stop her army of baked bads that are subverting and corrupting all that is good in the land as we speak! The forests will wither, the rivers will run red as blood, and the living will envy the dead, forever cursing the name... Bizarro Dinky!

[FredFredNineNine]

I knew this was going to happen, the dog always dies in the end. ALWAYS

[RockWolf]

R.I.P. Wiggles (pours some whiskey on the ground) we'll miss ya, homie. stay tru

[Karna]

Shining, stop it. You're supposed to be The Voice of Reason and the God of Sanity.

You aren't allowed to break like this.

Also, poor Applejack. This probably wasn't how she wanted to spend her vacation.

[nemryn]

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Wait how does Rainbow Dash know Tydal? I thought Twilight was the only member of the mane six to meet him. Or did I miss something?

[_CheckMate_]

ah, Chess Game of the Gods reference, evil muffins, dogs dying; this fic just keeps getting better

[defender2222]

2188161

The Mane 6 first met Tydal in 'How Do You Shoot a Gun With Hooves?'. the first fic to introduce Tydal.

[Captain Literal]

I have been following this since day one and I have a few things to say: This is the most pointless, stupid story with little to none character development or much of a plot to speak of. It’s story line is chaotic and random at best with little to no suspense. It is one of the most idiotic stories I have read so far.

But DAMN is it bucking hilarious. Good on ya mate.

[Zervziel]

And after his episode with the satanic muffin, Shining Armor went and relaxed by tuning into his favorite new show.

It's won several awards for it's great writing and story.

[drone_r0m-3]

"Would you prefer it if I was some kind of dark alicorn with mirror wings?"

I see what you did there.

[Pen Brush]

2188217
i thought of the chess game universe when the chess thing came up, but after reading more it didnt look like a shoutout

[blazikenking]

How much longer until Cadence's meds wear off or run out? The god of sanity needs to be properly surrounded by insanity.

2188538 Can you tell me what he did there? I didn't see it.

[drone_r0m-3]

2188816 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51867/faith-and-doubt

[Xuncu]

Hmmm

PsychologicalPsychological effects can include euphoria, anxiety, increased libido, alertness, concentration, increased energy, increased self-esteem, self-confidence, sociability, irritability, aggressiveness, psychosomatic disorders, psychomotor agitation, dermatillomania(compulsive skin picking), hair pulling, delusions of grandiosity, hallucinations, excessive feelings of power and invincibility, repetitive and obsessive behaviors, paranoia, and – with chronic use and/or high doses – amphetamine psychosis.[18][24]

But it's the Crystal Meth Empire... and Cadence became boring.... but Shining..... HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

[Alondro]

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! THEY'RE ALL SO STUPID!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*Alondro fires a wormhole weapon he stole from John Crichton in "Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars" and laughs madly as this Stupid Pony Ponyverse is sucked into oblivion* YES!!! DIEEEE!!! ALL OF YOU DIEEEEE!!!

[Inferno demon Dash]

Completely lost it with the family guy refence, and Gods, an evil muffin and horned Sweetie Belle? Classic, Gods, I really needed this today, poor Sombra, you're doing such an amazing job on this shit funny as hell. Disappointed that you had no refence to the Nightmare Realm (King Sombra's door) that would have been funny as buck

[Black Snow]

Heh...South Park reference...

[Jacky2734]

"It is the game of the gods... well, actually skee ball is, but you get the idea."

Hey! A "Dogma" reference!

[Zervziel]

2189535 I'm sensing some slight......hostility.

images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26300000/Trolololo-princess-trollestia-26369330-894-894.png

[Alondro]

2190925 THE CHARACTERS ARE ALL STUPID!!! AND INSANE!!! It's like being trapped with the cast of "Jersey Shore"!!

(Alondro is not saying that the story is bad, since making all the characters stupid and insane is the point, it's just that the unrelentingly stupid and insane characters have driven him off the deep end, making him as stupid and insane as they are. Except that he's also still a genius... and dangerously, murderously insane... hee hee hee hee HEE HEE HEEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!! )

[WorldWalker128]

2187772
And then Derpy ate it.

[Knight of Lycaeus]

Celestia the chessmaster, never thought it would be so literal. Still waiting for Shining to do something about Cadance's meds since she's too calm for this story.

[Lithl]

his new white parka and winter boats

I thought Tydal didn't like boats?

[The Sergeant]

2188001

raping the men and slaughtering the women!

I hope to sweet Jesus that sentence is supposed to be the other way around.

[Night Sky]

2208021 Rapin our churches, burnin our women!

[noobelite]

"Would you prefer it if I was some kind of dark alicorn with mirror wings?"
loving all the references

[The Sergeant]

2187724

Naaah, I picture Evil muffin as being a Double Choclolate muffin.

[ShadowLDrago]

Tydal isn't very bright, is he?

[UseFistNotMouth]

The chapers where every character is completely fucking moronic are my least favorite.

[Travolore]

So you made fun of us Canadians, eh? Gonna have ta feed ya to them polar bears now.(Some offence )
T (FN)

[ZealousChristian24]

2208021 Well, Derpy is married to a stallion.

Also, a great end to Sombra, a bad day for Tydal, and someone needs to stab Shining with his own horn until he sees reason/stops blaming his wife for taking the medicine she needs to not be traumatized!!

[jszellmer]

MBA in business

Isn't getting a Master's in Business Administration in business kinda redundant?

[ShadowLDrago]

"Now then," Applejack said, making her way towards the door, "you'll be fine as long as you remember to never get'em wet and never ta feed'em after midnight."
"... isn't that how you avoid making gremlins?"
"Trust me, it works here too."

HEH!

"And then we will set up the funnel cake stand over there," Applejack said, pointing out a spot to Shining Armor. The unicorn tried to pay attention, but his mind was elsewhere (and it didn't help that he had FREAKING BLACK CRYSTALS SHOVED THROUGH HIS HORN!).

Yeah, poor guy.

"I am so sorry... I'm not sleeping well and I am so depressed and I haven't had sex in days since Cadence went back on her meds and I am just so miserable here in this stupid country with these stupid, brain dead ponies..." he glanced over at the crystal pony that was following them, "some offense."
"Don't ya mean 'no offense', eh?"
"No, not really."

Poor guy.

"-I was so happy. But these last few days everything has just felt so... wrong. Cadence and I aren't connecting and I look around this place with its stupid, stupid ponies... again, some offense..."
"It's ok, eh" the crystal pony said pleasantly.

That's the thing about Canadians, they will usually take things in stride.

"No no!" the muffin squeaked. It was actually a cute little thing, if one ignored the fact that it was clearly evil. "I am just a manifestation of all your negative emotions."

This is so absurd it actually fits on this.

"Graba grag gr-grack! Grack!" Sombra began to cough, a large wad of black magic shooting out of his mouth. "By all that is evil, I...never... I can speak! I CAN SPEAK! After so long, I can finally-"

Ah, he had something stuck in his throat.

"FRRRRRUPPPPPPPPPPPT!"
Tears slipped down Tydal's checks as the horn crapped itself before dissolving.

You're kidding me.

[Razzy]

Didn't know horns could do that... The more you know.