In the land of Equestria, there are many 'What Ifs'. What if Applejack had stayed in Manehatten and become a cultured businessmare? What if Twilight had become friends with Lyra, Bon Bon, The Doctor, Derpy and Big Macintosh instead Pinkie and the rest? What if Zecora was a rapper (it isn't racist if she is a zebra!)? What if Celestia had been Nightmare Moon instead of Luna and they just kept making fan fic after fan fic about that scenario? But the biggest, most pressing ‘what if’ will be addressed here, good readers!
What if Bill Cosby's Floating Head was a cast member of the show?
[img] http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/1911.jpg[/img]
Applejack sighed as she bucked the tree, sending a nice load of red, juicy apples dropping into her bucket. It wasn't the apples that were making her sigh... she honestly didn't think there was any possible way for apples to make her upset. No, what was making her sigh was the constant stream of whiny complaints from the little filly next her, a certain Apple Bloom. Normally, Applejack wouldn't have minded so much, chalking up the whimpering list of issues as just the normal angst every filly felt. But Applejack found her mood already sour, as she had spent much of the night before trying to wrestle Granny Smith into the tub and thus had not gotten her normal 8 hours of rest.
"Apple Bloom, ya just have to accept that ya'll get your cutie mark when it is time for it to come and not a moment sooner. Ya have to be patient!" Applejack forced herself not to scream the words, remembering that such actions never tempered a filly's complaints (at least they hadn't with her!).
The filly in question stomped her hoof in frustration. "BUT I WANT-"
"No... none of that," Applejack said sternly, stopping the meme before it began. "Shame on you."
Apple Bloom scuffed her hoof against the ground. "I just want to know why I haven't gotten my cutie mark."
"There could be lots of reasons, darlin'," Applejack drawled. "You might not be old enough or you might not have found your special talent-"
"I think its cause you're the product of incest!" Bill Cosby's Float Head proclaimed, popping up next to the two earth ponies.
"WHAT?!?" Apple Bloom screamed, staring at the floating head of the old African American comedian.
"Uh, Bill?" Applejack stammered nervously, glancing around quickly. "Maybe now isn't the best time-"
Bill merely continued to grin as he spoke to Applebloom. "I think it is pretty clear that your sister let her big brother put his boppity bop in her zoppity zop until it went gloppity glop!" Bill Cosby's Floating Head proclaimed. "You are a genetic freak and a crime against nature, ya see!"
Apple Bloom stared at her sister, who was biting her lip and looking anywhere but her sister's direction. "Is this true?" she shouted in horror.
"...eeyup," Big Macintosh said as he trotted by.
"Called it!" Bill proclaimed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Apple Bloom raced off, ignoring her sister's pleas for her to come back and let her explain.
"Why did ya have to go and tell her that?" Applejack screeched, turning toward Bill Cosby's Floating Head and shaking her right hoof at him. "Now she is gonna be scarred for life! You have some nerve... what do you have to say for yourself?"
Bill blinked, considering his words carefully. "Nothin’ beats Jell-O Puddin’! Zip zip zip zaroo!"
The God Squad
Episode 28: I'm not gay, I'm Griffish
A week had gone by since the godly beings (and Shining Armor) had departed on the E.S. Lindsey Lohan. They were leaving Equestria behind and heading towards the great isle of Griffland, home of the griffin empire and their first stop on their worldly tour that would lead them to the changeling hive (plot point for the win!). The sea was fair, the sky was bright, and they were all thinking the same thing:
"I can't wait to kill me some griffins!" Tydal said, rubbing his hooves together in murderous glee
Ok, maybe they weren't ALL thinking the same thing.
"I have my new flank kicking shoes on!" Luna said in glee, lifting up her leg to display the spiked horseshoe she wore. "I was going to try them out on Prince Blueblood, but this will work even better!" Luna began to trot along the deck in glee. “These shoes are made for ass kickin’, and that is what they’ll do! One of these days these shoes are going to ass kick you too!”
Shining, who had finally managed to stop throwing up 12 hours ago (having never been on a boat before and discovering he was very much a land pony), glanced over and frowned. "Princess, those are golf shoes."
Luna nodded. "Correct, golf shoes."
"Why would you think they would be flank kicking shoes?"
"Uh... because that is how golf is played, by kicking flanks and taking names?"
Shining pursed his lips. "Remind me never to play golf with you."
"Aw, come on... I'll give you a handicap!"
The sole cricket that was on board chirped.
Tydal coughed as the joke fell flat.
"You ponies are no fun," Luna said, pouting.
Cadence emerged from the captain's quarters and happily cantered over to them, her mane billowing in the breeze. She had decided that the trip to Griffland meant she could play dress up again and she was wearing a white dress shirt, a black vest with the Griffin Jack emblazed upon the back, a marshmallow style poofy hat, a pair of purple sunglasses, and a rainbow colored skirt.
"'ello gov'nor, wots all 'is 'en?" she proclaimed with a grin, looking at her relatives and husband.
Tydal, Luna and Shining just gave her cold stares. "Please... stop talking like that," Luna finally stated.
"Talkin' like wot, gov'nor?" Cadence said with a huge grin, ignoring their sour looks.
Tydal groaned. "Like an ignorant little gutter snipe!" He began to trot along the deck, his face twisted into a sneer as he lectured her. "Why you feel the need to butcher a native tongue I will never know!"
"Cause it be fun, gov'nor! It like 'Talk like a Pirate Day' 'cept there be more interestin' words ta insult tarts wit’. Fish and chips! Bangers and mash! Bob's your uncle!"
Luna shook her head in pain. "Uh, don't mention our Uncle Bob, ok?"
"Why not?" Shining asked, confused.
"Because he had a little operation and Bob our uncle is now Fanny our aunt," Luna replied.
"...ok then," Shining said, wishing he had just stayed quiet.
Tydal ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "I understand you want to immerse yourself in the Griffish culture but you don't need to talk like some Trottingham whore. You should be speaking like a lady!" No one pointed out the irony that the most violent of them was preaching culture and class (wait, is that ironic? Damn you Alanis Morrisette, now I’ll never know what ironic means!). "Now, repeat after me: The knife in the strife ends Shining's life."
"Hey!" Shining shouted. "Can we not use my murder as an example to teach my wife diction?"
"Oooo, I love Shining's-"
"No!" Luna, Shining and Tydal shouted.
"Wot?" Cadence asked in confusion.
"We are not making that joke," Luna stated. Cadence stuck out her lip and pouted.
"Why is Cadence talking like a gutter snipe?" Celestia asked, emerging from the caprtian’s quarters and joining them all on the deck.
"Thank you!" Tydal stated, chest puffed out at having his point proven.
"Just tryin' ta git into the mood, dodger!" Cadence said happily.
Luna shook her head in annoyance. "Why would you think talking like that... or dressing like that... would get you in the mood to visit Griffland?"
"Uh... cus this is 'ow the cool kids in Griffland talk, gov'nor?" Cadence stated.
Tydal's brow furrowed. "I suppose they might talk like that...but most time they are screaming insults and trying to eat you." He and Luna shared a grin as they thought of all the battles and bloodshed that awaited them. "Oh, it is going to be so much fun to fight them!"
Shining, Celestia and Cadence all nervously looked at each other. "You tell them," Shining finally said.
"I think this falls to you, Captain Armor," Celestia told him.
"I ain't bloody well gone tell'em!"Cadence exclaimed. "They'll beats me they wills!"
"What are you three arguing about?" Luna asked.
Shining and Cadence quickly placed their hooves against their noses. Celestia blinking, before exclaiming. "No fair, I didn't know we'd started doing that!" Shining and Cadence merely shrugged and Celestia, now 'it', let out a groan. "Fine... little sister, big brother, there is something I need to tell you about Griffland."
"What is it?" Luna asked. "Do they have a new doomsday weapon?"
"Have they formed an alliance with the camels of Humpistan? That will make the battle harder but-"
Celestia weakly smiled. "Uh, no. You know how you both have been gone for a long... long... long time?" The two nodded; Luna had, of course, been trapped in the moon, while Tydal had been a stone statue after his last battle with Discord. "Well... about 900 years ago, Griffland went through a... revolution."
"You mean a bloody, violent revolution that saw the poor fight the rich and caused the streets to run red with blood?" Luna asked.
"No, I mean a cultural revolution where the griffins decided to focus on developing their minds and putting away their weapons of war. They haven't declared war on anyone in 700 years."
Tydal and Luna just stared at her, the sound of their hearts breaking echoing along the ocean.
"Sorry," Celestia said weakly.
"No... no I don't believe you!" Luna screamed, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are not peaceful, nerdy birdies! They are warriors who will fight us and it will be fun and you are lying!" She fell on her belly and began to pound the deck like she was a toddler. "You're lying, you're lying, why do you lie!" Celestia gathered her up and hugged her sister as Luna dissolved into sobs.
Shining, for his part, was watching Tydal. "Are... are you crying?"
"No," Tydal whimpered, turning away. "I... just have something in my eye!"
"What is in your eye?" Shining asked.
"Saddness!" Tydal sobbed, his body trembling before he grabbed Shining and hugged him like a teddy bear.
"... they truly be noodled up, that's fer true!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Come on, everypony..." Celestia said, trying to calm her little sister down. "I know you were looking forward to a fight but Griffland is great! They have culture and nobility and the finest food they can import from Prance because their food is GHASTLY..."
Shining nodded, managing to push Tydal away. "And they still get into fights!"
"They... they do?" Tydal sniffed.
Shining meekly smiled. "Well... kinda. Instead of bloody battles, they have flyby conversations."
"I say, are you ponies headed into port?" a griffin called out from above them. He was wearing a monocle and a top hat and had a neatly trimmed beard.
"Uh... yes," Shining stated.
"Well, then I will join you!" the griffin landed and stretched his wings. "Hello, I am Downy Thinker the 3rd!" From within his Hammerspace INC flying bag Downy pulled out a tea set and began to pass out cups. "While we wait for them to process our papers we can pass the time telling stories about local architecture! Tell me... would you like to hear an amusing story about a bridge?"
Tydal and Luna began to sob even harder.
I knew for a long time that I wanted the Griffins to be different. Everyone writes them as warriors and bloodthirsty... and I think it is more interesting if they are very posh and British noble like with subcultures that are violent (like football hooligans and punk gangs). It allows for so many wonderful jokes.
Also, I am trying to give each race their own way of naming their children. Ponies tend to name children after things that deal with their cutie mark, capricorns tend to name their kids after elements of the sea, the perytons are named after how they looked when they were born, and griffin names are two parters: the first is a descriptive word, and the second is what they do or their role in society.
Bridges are so overrated.
First one guy makes a bridge. And everybody uses it, they're like, 'Ooh, look, a bridge. That's new.' So, like, these other two guys make another bridge. And it's kinda like the first one, but people use it anyway because the first guy is like 'Oh, their bridge is pretty cool too, check it out.' And then these three other guys are like, 'Oh, we're going to make the best bridge ever, we're going to combine our talents and be like, Oh, look at our bridge, it's totally amazing, ooh.' and it's like, it turns out really good, and it's the best out of all the other bridges... Everybody crosses it. Because it's a bridge. Yeah. And before you know it everybody and their mother is making a bridge! So there's a bridge. Everywhere... The first guy is like, 'I'm going to go to conventions to promote my bridge!' It's like, it's just a bridge. It's not a big deal. Get over it.
I had to.
Oh dear god I think I'm actually addicted to the randomosity of this story. A mustache for your efforts good sir.
I'm not quite sure why the moustache has become a simple of gratitude and/or congratulation, but god damnit if I can be arsed to find out why.
I see multiple Family Guy shout outs in that chapter...unless Family Guy was Doing those as a shout out...that would make it shout-outception!
Yeah, anyway this chapter was funny as usual
1980114
So Gilda was just going through her rebellious teenager phase and most griffons are like that guy on the train?
1980169
Pretty much, yes (though he was trained in Prance to make edible food)
Laughing too hard hurts...
Floating Bill Cosby Head... that might be jumping the shark even by your standards defender2222!
Another fine chapter. Keep it up. Cheerio!
Jello Pudding? Pah! Watch Cosby sell computers!
Well I guess we know why we never see Gilda again, she's an outcast.
1980177 British food...
Now, to be fair, French ain't always nectar and ambrosia either. I ain't eatin' no fatty goose liver fer nuthin! And dem truffles are sure an acquired taste. Acquired by repeated self-abuse until you get truffle Stockholm syndrome.
>>>"Well, then I will join you!" the griffin landed and stretched his wings. "Hello, I am Downy Thinker the 3rd!" From within his Hammerspace INC flying bag Downy pulled out a tea set and began to pass out cups. "While we wait for them to process our papers we can pass the time telling stories about local architecture! Tell me... would you like to hear an amusing story about a bridge?">>>
This was almost exactly what was going through my mind at the beginning of the chapter! I thought to myself, "Well, the griffins are always stereotyped as brutal, savage, barely-literate, pony-eating monsters. Sooooo, he's going to turn that all on its head by making them a culture of peaceful pansy intellectuals who haven't fought even rabbits in centuries.
AND IT WAS SO!!
Of course, Tydal is still going to try to kill some. And Cadance will molest as many as possible.
Oh god, they are British...poor Tydal. need a cupcake?
so if your gryphons are the british, does that mean your dragons are russian?
1980418
perytons are russian (with a bit of viking in them). My DRAGONS are Hispanic.
Oh Applebloom
...
Awesome job.
Bill Cosby can ruin anything.
I thought Shining Armor would be violently throwing up because of the never ending booze chalice.
1980424
Hispanic dragons? I remember a friend that had an idea for a fic where Spike finds out his parents are Peurto Rican hippie dragons.
I really got a kick out of "what's in your eye?"
"Sadness!!"
Keep 'em comin' you crazy man... woman... capricorn... thing.
1980566
I first hit on dragons being Hispanic due to the map of Equestria pointing south saying 'Here there be dragons', then i realized the jokes about Spike being a glorified maid are just too good...
We all know who Applebloom's real mom is.
1980310
and this is why i learned to cook Italian food Because nobody else in Europe can cook
1980114 I just realized.
I almost did that with my first fic.
However, I changed it. The first one is a nickname based on how they appear or how they act, and the second is role-related.
Although the second name is never direct (Ex: Cocoon would mean that they would have a small beginning and then achieve greatness later in life)
That is ridiculous.
(And I love the idea of British Griffins/Griffons/Gryphons)
Cosby's famous for being one of the few comedians who can be funny without being dirty. Telling jokes about incest just isn't his style. Zero points for that cold open.
Wow, I actually feel sorry for Tydal.
Personally, I like the version of Griffons who have battle down to a science. Not stupid, not vicious, they just like to fight. In fact, in my headcanon, griffons are sort of like battle monks. I even had a sort of idea where, come puberty, they would send their young out into the world to learn how the rest of the world lives. They don't even have to come back if they don't want to. That's why we never see Gilda again, Ponyville was just a stop on her journey.
The cold opening was just odd, but the rest was good. Cadence in this was hilarious if a bit difficult to understand and I enjoy a different portrayal from the whole violent Griffin warrior culture, also loved Tydal and Luna's reaction to change of Griffin culture.
I'll admit, the Cosby and incest thing didn't work quite that well for me. Fortunately, there's the rest of the chapter. And Luna's ass-kicking shoes would fit in certain parts of Griffland, if you think about it. Or some areas north of there.
HAHAA!!! Excellent TeamFourStar reference. A Derpy for you!
Seeing as a human got involved in the cold opening, I'd like to see Morgan Freeman meet Morgan Freemane. That should be epic.
1980114
Eh, I've always thought they were French-Germanic to the Canadian-British-American Equestria but that's just me. =x
My thought on that "Bob's your uncle" thing: Do you know what fanny means in Britain? Because it means the same as something you can't say on tv.
1980415
So does that mean I'm a disgrace? Gee thanks.
~Edward
1990605
Nope, just a bit weird...they did give me an irrational fear of-manequins, salt shakers, statues, snowmen, yetis, crabs, cracks, slience, lizards, going into the sewers, going out of the sewers, cybornetics, people in gas masks, trees, and many many MANY more. That and they gave Monty Python, wich is why I am offically nuttier than a fruitcake...so I thank all of them for that.
Since they are British...I fully expect their football games to be pure awesome
1990632
Football is a terrible sport and we suck at it, so no Griffons will not be good at football. This is a very aristocratic approach on the British population whereas in retrospect we have 'chavs' and 'hipsters' more than we do educates. Please refrain from calling these people British, it's a tad offensive.
~Edward
1990638
Ok then, no offense really.
1982095 Actually, at some, "raunchier" venues, he could get downright dirty.
1980621
1980124
And will the obligatory Family guy references follow too?
Ah well, it was another great chapter. I think the one enjoying Griffland (or was that worded different?) the most will be probably Shining Armor. His character could actually fit in there quite nicely (what with a queen of theirs and so on...wait a minute, do we probably know this queen?) but with three godesses and one god I guess he is pretty much fucked again. I only shudder what would happen with this group if they got Dischord to follow them along (who is actually being 'mostly' good for now as we've seen in a new episode).
1992488
Yes.
1989399 Manslaughter would've been a disappointment. I was trying for at least second-degree murder. (One of these days you idiots are gonna laugh yourselves to death!)
Lost it when Tydal and Luna started crying and damn, Bill, ease up on the poor filly....damn, that's sad Shit, this is going to be funny as buck....love IT!!!! Perfect Family Guy refecnes
"Aw, come on... I'll give you a handicap!" "You ponies are no fun," Luna said, pouting. budap dap chsh!
its okay luna, i laughed my head off
1980446>>1980924
Yeah, well I've already accepted that as cannon for at least a year. In fact, I think that was Hasbro's original plan; to have Big Mac as AJ's stallionfriend/husband and Applebloom her daughter.
Griffins being peaceful? HA your a fucking disgrace.
2191523
But Applebloom has been recognised as AJ's sister..but it seems AJ is also Applebloom's mom. But then...that means... Yuck...
I am a thinker.
It is want I do. Sometimes, I think long and complicated thoughts. Sometimes, I ponder deep mysteries and contemplate the meanings of things. Sometimes, I stay awake into the early hours of the morning, just thinking. I package up ideas and round off the sharp edges until I can roll them around in my mind like marbles in a bowl. I pick them up and stare deep into their glassy centers and imagine what lies just beyond the deepest depths that I can see. I sometimes I take up two ideas and bounce their crystalline forms off of each other; sometimes they shatter into an uncountable amount of pieces, sometimes they bounce off of each other resiliently, and sometimes, sometimes they melt together into something more beautiful and glorious than either idea was before.
Occasionally, rarely, I stumble across a truly important question, a question that makes me stop and wonder at the mystery of it. A question that takes a hold of me, and peers into the depths of my soul. A question both frightening and enlightening. A question that shakes me out of the stupor of the moment and forces me to in turn, question everything I have even known and accepted to be true. This is one of those times. This is one of those questions.
Dafuq am I reading?
2491251 maybe we should just stop thinking right now.
1980114
If that's so, then how do you explain Gilda's name?
4005914
Gilda is old english for golden
...There is no way this cannot end in fire.
Really? Luna, being a comedian, takes time and effort to master the art of being funny. Or you could pull a Robin Williams's Genie and reference something every two sentences.
She''s doing this on purpose.
But it's funny!
Good lord they weren't kidding. Oh boy.