Shining Armor Rises
"Come on!"
"No!" Mary Sue, the red maned, black coated alicorn said (not to be confused with Mari Sew, the black maned, red coated alicorn) said stubbornly.
"Be a friend," Logic Point begged.
"No!" Mary turned back to he crossword puzzle even as the guards pleaded with her.
"We all know you have to do it," Wall Breaker informed her, "otherwise this storyline will have been just one huge waste of time." When the others looked at him, Wall Breaker shrugged. "Storyline stands for Sympathetic Travel Occasionally Resulting-"
"Yeah, whatever." Mary puzzled over 13 Across (My Hairy _ _ _ _,with the last three letters being unt; the answer was, of course, AUNT, you perverts). "Are you all forgetting the fact that you are basically asking me to be a whore."
"For the good of the country!" Logic Point said. "You'd be a whore with a heart of gold. A noble, helpful whore who rose about her whorishness and whored her whore-like self to new levels of whoredom to-"
"Could we stop saying the word 'whore'?" Doctor Whooves asked politely as he dissected the blender (never know when one is a cybermat in disguise).
"Whores whores whores!" Dinky chanted.
Mary shook her head in disgust, leveling a cold glare at the two royal guards. "And, lets ignore the fact that I would be selling my body for bits..."
"Because Celestia knows it's worse being in this fic," Wall Breaker muttered.
"...I'd be selling it to Blueblood!"
"What's wrong with the Prince?" Logic Point asked, trying his best to hide his own revulsion. "I mean... he's such a... great stallion..."
"You're joking, right? His voice sounds like a sick cat being raped by a jackhammer. He's covered in so much body spray that he is sticky to the touch. His looks give colts nightmares. He smells like a mix of day old fish and cheap perfume. Just staring at him can give you a VD and not the kind that can be killed with penicillin. He even tastes bad."
"Tastes?" Logic Point questioned.
Mary nodded. "When you smell him a little bit of it gets in your mouth and you can taste it... it is like licking a minotaur's armpit." The alicorn shook her head in disgust. "On a scale of 1 to 100 with 100 being utter revulsion, I am at a 99.9999998 when it comes to Prince Blueblood."
"... so you are saying there is a chance."
"Get... out."
The God Squad
Episode 18- Shining Armor Rises
Shining leaned forward, his hooves wiggling in the air. The others were huddled together, absorbed in his story. "And then the stallion emerged from his space capsule... and he planted the flag right into the moon's surface!"
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Luna screamed, tumbling away from the fire. The others looked at her and she blushed. "Stop trying to scare me!"
Celestia used her magic to help her sister back up. "It is ok, little sister... every pony knows there is no such thing as astronauts."
"I don't care, I don't want to hear another scary story!"
"Then what do you want to hear about?" Tydal asked, eyeing the cooler of cider they had brought and wondering when they could stop with the marshmallows and move on to the hard drinking (and considering his family, it was a shock they hadn't already).
Luna tapped her chin. "I want to hear more about how we first met each other!"
Cadence nodded happily. "Ok... this is the story of when Shining and my genitals first met..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Are you sure we should be doing this in your aunt's bed?" Shining Armor hissed, adjusting the hood of his gimp suit.
"Yes, you big wuss, now lick my hooves!" Cadence declared. "You're getting all this, right?"
"Photo Finish was born this way... to get good shots of you having sex."
"Alright, now let me lift my tail-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"NO!" Tydal, Celestia Shining and Luna all shouted.
"But it is a good story!" Cadence complained.
"I don't care you can't tell it!" Luna snapped. "Besides, I want to hear about how you and Shining first met... you, not your genitals."
"Oh... well that is a sweet story too!"
Tydal groaned. "Let me guess... it was magical and there was music and the moon shone down and Shining whispered sweet stupid nothings in your ear-"
"No," Shining Armor admitted, shifting uneasily. "Truth be told, Cadence and I didn't exactly hit it off at first." He shared a shamed look with his wife.
Cadence nodded as the screen began to get all fuzzy and the harps that signaled a flashback began to play. "It all began a few years ago...."
~MC~MC~MC~
“Come on Twilight, open up!” Night Light said, dangling the spoon loaded with applesauce in front of his daughter’s mouth. The little foal, however, was not going to make it simple on her father and continually shook her head ‘no’. “Don’t you want some yummy applesauce?” Twilight’s jaw clenched tight and she turned her head away. “Come on now…”
Twilight’s horn glowed and with a burst of magic she lifted the fridge up and sent it flying at her father’s head. The stallion yelped and ducked just in time.
“Twilight, sweetie… please don’t try and kill daddy…” Night Light chuckled nervously, staring at the hole in the wall the fridge had made on its mad flight. “You have to eat something, sweetie.” Twilight sucked her lips in. “But it is really yummy!” Night took the spoon and raised it to his lips, quickly taking a nibble. “See? Yum yum yum!”
The foal was not amused. She crossed her little forelegs over her chest and shook her head before giving her father a dismissive sniff.
“Here comes the Wonderbolt, ready to make a landing!” Night Light made a buzzing sound, only for Twilight to grab the spoon with a burst of magic and send it flying so hard it embedded into the drywall. “We really need to invest in steel paneling.”
“You want me to try?” Twilight Velvet asked, not bothering to look up as she made her and her husband’s sandwiches for the day.
“Yes please,” Night Light grumbled.
The mare trotted over, getting a new spoon from the drawer and loading it with applesauce. “Ok Twilight… here comes the book mobile with a new load of excyclopedias for the library!”
Twilight let out a squeal and opened her mouth, inhaling the food (and nearly eating the spoon as well). She began to motion for her mother to give her more and Velvet was more than happy to do so.
“It is all in how you word it,” she said, a bit smug.
Not satisfied that her mother was getting the ‘book mobile’ to her fast enough, Twilight grabbed the bottle of foal food and began to chug it like a cheerleader at a kegger. Night Light walked over to the fridge, shaking his head. “There is something seriously wrong with our foal.”
Velvet cantered over to him, giving him a quick nuzzle. “Now now, we had her tested and all the doctor found was that brain thing. There is nothing wrong with Twilight.”
“Nom nom nom!” the foal gurgled. She had managed to get ahold of a plate of brownies and her parents turned just as Twilight stuck one in her mouth-
“Ok, so what the hell is this?”
“What’s that, Shiny?”
“This is suppose to be the story of how we met, Cadence, not the ‘Baby Twilight Sparkle Hour’.”
“I would think you would be use to Twilight overshadowing you.”
“I hate you so much, Tydal.”
Velvet and Night twitched, horror written on their faces as Twilight licked her hooves clean. “That was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen and I was in the Great Pony-Donkey War.”
“How does a baby even make those faces?” Velvet whimpered.
Night shuddered. “That will replace the whale in my nightmares.”
Before they could continue to discuss the weird thing their foal did when she ate a brownie, their eldest chose to enter the room.
“’sup?” Shining grunted. He was decked out in a black torn shirt and skinny jeans which contrasted against his white coat. His hooves and lips were painted black and there was a red triangle under each of his eyes. His mane was also dyed black and styled in a mohawk and there were several piercings in his nose and ears.
“Uh… good morning Shining Armor,” Night Light said nervously, giving his son a wide berth.
“What… have a told you… about calling me that?” Shining snapped, taking a seat at the dining table. “Shining Armor is the name you normals gave me. My chosen name is Ebony Heartstabber.”
“Right, of course Ebony Heartstabber!” Night said nervously. “Your makeup looks nice to day.”
“Nothing about me is nice. Life is a bottomless pit of suck and the only release is death.”
Velvet shifted uneasily. “Would you like some oatmeal?”
“I dreamed of your death again last night,” Shining grunted.
Velvet and Night slowly backed away from their goth son and superpowered foal. “So… listen sport…” Night said, edging towards the door, “your mom and I need to leave you two alone for the day. We found out that they are letting a deer family move into the neighborhood so we are going to drive them out.”
Velvet nodded. “I have our white sheets ready and Mr. Spinner is bringing a lower case t for us to burn.” (A lower case t of course standing for ‘Totally Not Wanted in our neighborhood’; they use to burn the whole word but with gas prices the way they are…)
“You aren’t expecting me to watch this… thing… you brought into MY house, are you?” Shining snapped, gesturing at Twilight (who was, at that moment, attempting to open a black hole because, well, she was a baby and didn’t know better).
“Of course not!” Velvet said with a laugh. “We hired a young mare to come babysit so you can sit in your room cutting yourself in peace. She’s actually an alicorn princess so there was quite a bidding war to get her!”
“You like the military, right?” Night asked.
“They are nothing more than killing robots designed by the government to oppress us all.”
“Well good news! We spent your college tuition on paying the babysitter so you will be enlisting when your old enough!” Shining glared at his father, who wisely began to beat a retreat to the door.
Velvet blew a kiss to Twilight. “Alright, kids, we’ll be back by 6 pm. Shining, remember not to tell Twilight that she is adopted and her real mother is Nightmare Moon!”
Shining broke out of his angry goth/emo mode for a moment. “Uh… she isn’t adopted and Nightmare Moon isn’t real.”
“…right, keep saying it like that. Bye kids!”
Shining looked over at his baby sister, who was squirming in her seat. "If you soil yourself I am going to leave you in the back yard like a dog and let you do your business out there." Twilight, who seemed to think this was funny (or maybe she just had gas) smiled and waved her hooves in the air. "Now then... you want to help me raid dad's cider cabinet?"
Before the teenager could steal his father's booze there was a knock on the door. The stallion trotted over to the door and, throwing it open, set his sights on the new arrival that stood on his doorstep. The pink alicorn shuffled uneasily, her multi-toned mane done up in a tight bun and held together with a pair of pencils. A set of thick glasses were slipping down her snout and she wore a bulk sweater that hid most of her frame.
"Uh... hello there," the teenage mare said, nibbling on her lip. "I'm... Cadence... I'm suppose to be babysitting a Twilight Sparkle."
Shining Armor scoffed. "Yeah, you have the right house. Come on in." He spun around and began to trot back to the kitchen, Cadence nearly tripping over her hooves in her hurry to follow him. "So, how did you get roped into the babysitting gig?"
"My aunt thought I should get some experience with babies."
"Why?" Shining asked.
"Uh... my special talent."
"Which is?" Shining pressed.
"...making love."
"What was that?"
Cadence looked down, lips quivering. "Making love."
"You know what, I don't care-"
"MAKING LOVE!" Cadence shouted.
"Huh?" Twilight said, looking up from the apple sauce she was smearing all over her highchair (it was a rather good replica of Celestia Chapel).
"... what a cute baby!" Cadence said quickly, hurrying over to lift Twilight up and cuddle her close. "Who wants to play with some blocks?"
"Your special talent is making love?" Shining asked, trying really hard to stay emo.
"Yeah," Cadence said softly. "I don't like it but apparently that is my talent."
"How... how did you... how do you even-"
Cadence blushed. "Let's just say it involved a gallon of whip cream and a really bad sneeze."
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow (which was the proper response when a mare announced she was talented in love making). "Well... that's..."
"So, what's with the makeup?" Cadence asked, carrying a squirming Twilight towards the living room. "You in a play or something?"
Shining glowered. "Yeah, no. I happen to be expressing my dark attitude about the world. This makeup represents all that is wrong and evil in the universe and how life is little more than despair wrapped in disease and loneliness. We are little more than organic pain collectors, hurdling towards death. Every drop of red paint equals gallons of blood that is spilled every day-"
"Ok, no," Cadence said firmly, setting Twilight in a playpen and handing her a book to look at. The alicorn used her magic to undo her bun, letting her long mane cascade down her shoulders. "I am not going to spend all day with you whining like that. Time to improve your outlook on life."
"And how do you plan to do that?" Shining asked as Cadence removed her glasses and, reaching into the baby bag she had brought, grabbed a pair of noise-canceling headphones and placing them over Twilight's ears. The foal babbled in confusion as Cadence spun her around so she was facing the wall before the pink alicorn began to stalk Shining like a mountain lion hunting a bunny rabbit. "Uh... Cadence?"
"I am going to smear that makeup all over my body," Cadence said with a sudden burst of confidence.
"What are you-" Shining exclaimed before Cadence tackled him. "Whoa! Stop that! Stop that right... wait... what... what... OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE, AT LAST I FOUND YOU! OH!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"And then I did this!" Cadence said, grinding against the log she was using to represent Shining Armor. "And I was like 'Yes... yes!' and he went 'Yeah baby, niegh for me!' and I was like-"
"So suicide... who wants to see if gods can attempt it?" Luna asked
"I'm getting a cider and none of you are stopping me!" Tydal shouted over Cadence's dry humping.
"Get me too!" Shining called out in embarrassment.
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This chapter was a pain when it should have been real easy. Not the writing of it, mind you; I actually wrote it pretty fast. The pain came first from my finger, which developed a cyst on the joint and thus made it painful to type (said cyst is now shrinking, thank god). Then it came from me deleting half of it by accident and having to rewrite it.
Still, it was worth it. I love all the little nods and jokes here, plus the glimpse at Shining and Twilight's childhood.
One more chapter of this arc, then we move on to the cult of the moon arc.
But what does she do with the brownies??
I find goth Shining Armor hilarious
…Well, we know what it is now. Let the search begin!
Should it be 'get me one too'?
Also, amazing as always. Twi is Nightmare Moon's? How does that even work?!
There are some things that you don't want to know. There are some things that you don't need to know. Then there are some things you cannot know. The way your niece, who you remember as bouncing, bright-eyed and innocent filly, lost her virginity in bitter, bloody detail is one of the latter.
Shining GOth Armor.... I'd PAY to see that~
Screwing the Goth out of him... good, cause his was so poser-ing it.
1643800
Or 'Get me two!'
Excellent chapter! In on of Mary Sue's lines, there was a quote missing, and the last line should have a "one" in it (unless Shining is really desperate to be understood).
Otherwise, I really want to know what Twilight does with brownies! And will we ever find out who Twilight's real parents are?
Intercourse cures goth? Seems legit.
Not satisfied that her mother was getting the ‘book mobile’ to her fast enough, Twilight grabbed the bottle of foal food and began to chug it like a cheerleader at a kegger. BEST LINE EVER!!!
Nice.... Nice.....
1643850
Really? I think it would be all three.
used*.
Thank you for redeeming the fridge scene with baby Twilight's odd eating preferences.
But seriously, the way her face becomes an avatar of Cthulu when she eats brownies is actually solidifying the thought that Luna/NMM is really her mom. Of course, I still can't tell if the dad is Discord or Celestia or some random schmuck. 
Actually, Celestia makes the most sense. After all, hate sex during visiting hours/days....
Shining Armour as goth was hilarious, same with seeing how Cadence thought of dealing with it. Loved the glimpse into Twilight and Shining Armour childhood
1643800
Nightmare Moon and Discord, because chaos. Unless alicorns can asexually reproduce, then it is because magic.
Puts hoof up, "I DO!"
shinings attitude seemed more that of an emo then a goth, just saying. lol poor luna
and immortal goddess with a photogenic memeory. enjoy the mental image for the rest of forever.
1644897
I think you mean photographic. Photogenic means "looks good in photos," and I'm not sure how you take a picture of a person's memory. Though I suppose defender2222 could figure out a way.
Shining Armor a goth, cannot unsee.
In the many secret origins of scootaloo, you implied that she only became a nymphomaniac as part of her PTS. I know this comic is meant to be funny and not make sense, But I for one would think it would have been funnier to keep it that way and for her to have been lying about all this, which is still possible seeing as shining hasn't confirmed or denied her story yet.
1645650
She was always crazy for sex... but it only involved her and those she loved. She went crazy and began using it as a weapon because of her PTSD
1643800
I thought he was yelling this to Luna ...
(And now I've got 'Suicide Is Painless' in mind ... alicorns plus field hospital during civil war equals ow my brain ... )
Nice Chapter :3 I liked Mary Sue's lines
Shining had me rolling
My lungs!
You bastard my lungs!
So, checklist:
-Killer baby Twilight
-Emo Goth Shining
-Racist parents
-Horny nerd Cadance
I think you've found your next fanfic after this one.
I like nympho Cadence. =3
Missing sleep was tota freakin lee worth it.
EMO SHINING ARMOR HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahah
oh gods my lungs
The 'astronaut' horror story was brilliant!
I haven't laughed for that long in a while.
1643744 No mortal man may know, for it is so damn strange that it would drive any normal person insane, and most ponies.
THE
1643778 A little modification of a similar scene from "Young Frankenstein". Whoeevr hasn't seen it, you are commanded by Faust to watch it NOW!!
Hmmm... I wonder... *goes into Equestria an shouts* BLUCHER!! *a fearful chorus of whinnying echos across the entire country along with lightning and thunder* Hee hee hee! I'm going to like it here! BLUCHER BLUCHER BLUCHER!!
>>>We found out that they are letting a deer family move into the neighborhood so we are going to drive them out.”>>>
I think you meant zebra. (Oh no he didn't!) Oh yes I did!
...
-raises hand-
If Shinning and Cadence banged the first time they met, wouldn't that have been the first time Shinning met Cadence's genitals?
Just sayin'.
Otherwise, this amused me. Gothic Armor amused me.
1652089
So said they had sex that time missionary style?
"Who said they had sex that time missionary style?" you mean?
And I assumed ponygirl on top. Either way, he met her genitals. Unless you were implying oral. cause I just don't know anymore after that response.
“Well good news! We spent your college tuition on paying the babysitter so you will be enlisting when your old enough!” Shining glared at his father, who wisely began to beat a retreat to the door."
And thus it all began...
Wow......AND I STILL HAVE YET TO LEARN WHAT THE BUCK TWI DOES WHEN SHE EATS A BROWINE!!! But seriously....."So suicide... who wants to see if gods can attempt it?" Luna asked, this really made me wonder if it's even possible for a God to take their own live....hmm.....
And the way Shining acted as a teen made me laugh so hard....then I remember that I hated him
I'm doing my best to picture Shining goth~
1648928
It's not just an Astronaut reference, It's a Niel Armstrong Reference! though I suppose the stallion would just be called Armstrong.
The part about how much Blueblood smells reminds me of when i was supposed to clean out in a chicken pen where i live. Dear god, was the smell revolting. It were literally so strong that i began gagging and i could taste it on my tongue several minutes after having gotten all the dried out chicken crap out and replaced with new sawdust and hay. Ugh. I can somehow still remember the smell.
I kinda am jealous of Shiney, he's got a nymphomaniac alicorn godess whose special talent is making love as a wife. Shame she's nuts as is the rest of his family.
<<"On a scale of 1 to 100 with 100 being utter revulsion, I am at a 99.9999998 when it comes to Prince Blueblood.">>
The rest is used to let him exist.
And the thing with the brownie makes its triumphant return!
Dammit guards!
She's right.
You don't believe that. I'm pretty sure even Gullible Fool, the most gullible pony in the entirety of Equestria wouldn't fall for that.
Hello, 911? Shining Armor got severely burned.
This is so different from the comics version of their backstory it's hilarious. Then again, this is an Alternate Universe to the main FIMverse, so, yeah. It's the only thing that explains all this madness.
My guess she's just saying this to distract him.
So this is the original Nerd! Cadence.
You may want to fix this. Because the size things are visible.
And this.
Interesting? Also, I think you mean whipped cream, unless you don't.
This is way funnier than the comics explanation.
Poor guy.
This brownie thing is going to be the world's greatest mystery...
Huh... i guess she really is the daughter of Nightmare Moon
....... well okay then 
And suddenly the existence of the organization BUTTS makes so much sense
Nothing like some good ol' lynching of the different.