Jinkies
Twilight looked over the chess board, considering her next move. In front of her Spike was playing with one of the pawns he had captured, rocking it back and forth idly.
“Remember when we use to do stuff?”
Spike nodded. “Uh huh.”
“You know… we’d be out there, having adventures.” Twilight moved her rook in order to protect her queen.
“I remember,” the baby dragon stated, considering his next move, tapping his claw against his chin. In the background he could hear the clock chime 3.
“Now all we do is sit around and wait to play second fiddle to Luna and her friends.” Twilight grimaced when Spike managed to take her knight.
The baby dragon nodded. “Yeah… kinda nice, isn’t it?”
“Why would it be nice? Don’t you miss the fun? The excitement?”
“The almost being eaten or brainwashed…” Spike muttered.
Twilight glowered. “Better than being bored.”
“It’s your move,” Spike said.
Twilight nodded, reaching over and grabbing her Princess piece. “Celestia to the center of the board, destroying all your pieces.”
Spike gave his friend a sour look as he began to reset the board. “One of these days I’m going to get a hand on a Chess Rulebook. I am pretty sure there isn’t really a ‘Princess Celestia Piece’.”
The God Squad
Episode 7: Jinkies!
“The Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters…” Zecora said, staring at the great dark fortress that loomed before them.
“I don’t think we’re going to get our security deposit back,” Luna stated as part of one tower crumbled right in front of them.
“Well, I believe Mr. Rent Check died 978 years ago so getting it back was going to be a hassle anyway,” Celestia stated.
“That’s why I never rent,” Tydal commented. “I built my Keep the old fashion way.”
“With slaves?” Shining asked drolly.
“No, certified contractors. What do you mean, slaves? What the hell is wrong with you?” Tydal shook his head in disgust.
Shining grimaced. “I’m sorry-“
“Like a capricorn would ever let an enemy live!” The sea god thrashed his tail about in agitation. “The first lesson all kids are taught is that you make sure your enemy is dead before you leave!”
Cadence looked nervously at the castle, pawing at the ground. “Can’t we just… not go in there?”
“I thought you loved dungeons,” Celestia stated.
“Sex dungeons… with chains and whips and the screams of agony…” Cadence’s brow furrowed. “Wait… was that a sex dungeon or a real dungeon?”
“…and we’ve lost her,” Luna muttered, watching as Cadence began to smile to herself. “Alright, let’s go and find this ghost”
“To catch the spirit in a snap, I have brought a proton trap,” Zecora said (having reverted to rhyming due to her nervousness).
Celestia nodded her head. “Very good, now let’s-“
Blood gushed down one of the outer stone walls, leaving the words “You’re Gonging To Die”.
“Gonging?” Luna said. “What does that mean?”
The blood rushed back up and corrected the message: You’re Going To Die.
“Ah,” Celestia said happily. “That makes more sense.”
Shining stepped away from the castle. “You know, I just remembered that Twiley asked me to meet her at her house and-“
“-have raunchy sex,” Tydal supplied.
“-have raunchy sex, so… NO NOT THAT!” Shining shouted, wheeling around and jabbing his hoof at a cackling Tydal.
“I’m still waiting to have sex with Twilight,” Cadence said, tapping her hoof in annoyance as she broke out of her trance. “Shining, you promised I could sleep with your sister if I agreed to marry you and yet I haven’t tasted any of the Sparkle yet. All I’ve tasted is the Rainbow.”
“Figured that much, I did; now Pinkie owes me 11 quid,” Zecora intoned.
Celestia stepped over to the trembling Shining Armor and leaned down so she could look him in the eye. “Why are you so scared, my little pony? Are you not the captain of my guard?”
“Yeah, but the guard doesn’t actually fight anything,” Shining pointed out. “I mean, you have Twilight and her friends and the Wonderbolts and Luna’s freaky batguards,” Luna huffed at the idea that they were freaky (it hadn’t been hard to find stallions that wanted bat wings… it was difficult to find giant bats whose wings she could rip off), “and The Doctor and Mare-Do-Well and the 501 Stormtrooper Legion… after that your guard is next up but we never really have a challenge.”
“Actually I think the Filly Scouts are before you,” Celestia stated.
“Exactly!” Shining exclaimed. “The Royal Guard is where you go if you want to impress chicks with your uniform but not actually fight some pony! I did not sign up to go walking around some haunted castle! Go get my baby sister instead!”
Luna frowned, her horn glowing as she pulled out a box from her saddlebag. “Would you go in there for a Shining Snack?”
“A what now?” Shining asked, taking the box from Luna.
“A Shining Snack. I found them at the grocery store before we left Ponyville and bought them. See, your picture is right on the box!” Luna grabbed the box back from him and looked it over. “Now, I understand that box calls them ‘doggie treats’ but I am sure you-“
“Why is my name on this box?” Shining roared.
“So concerned about the name of a treat, and yet not bothered having them to eat,” Zecora stated.
“That one was kinda clunky,” Tydal stated.
“Give me a break, my dear Uncle Ty, its hard enough to think these up on the fly!”
Shining had in the meantime managed to snatch the box back from Luna and was clearing at the cartoony image of himself on the box. “I am going to sue the pants off them!”
“They probably don’t wear pants,” Celestia stated, “and neither do you so that would be pointless.”
Cadence nervously walked up to her husband, nuzzling him. “Sweetie… maybe you should just let it go… I mean… maybe they got permission to use your likeness and pressing them on it would be bad.”
Shining’s eyebrow twitched. “Cadence… what did you do?”
“… they had one of those pink glitter pens! You know how much I love them!”
“You signed away my name and likeness to a dog treat company just to get a pen!”
“No… no no no no no!” Cadence said. “I didn’t get to keep the pen, silly.”
Shining fell to his belly, staring blankly out into the darkness (and he was pretty sure the blood on the outer wall now said ‘Sucks To Be You’). “They… they are using my name and face on their boxes.”
“Not just on their boxes,” Luna said, pulling out a treat; it was shaped like Shining’s face.
“You mean right now, all over Equestria… dogs are coming to associate my face with a yummy snack!?!”
“… hey, why don’t we split up!” Luna said cheerfully, ignoring Shining’s agony.
"Wait... why would we split up?" Celestia asked.
"Because everypony knows, dear sister, that ghosts only interact with ponies when they are in groups of 2 or less. That is the way it works." The others gave her blank looks and the moon goddess sighed. "None of you took Supernatural Creatures 101 in college?"
"It conflicted with another class," Tydal stated.
"You went to college?" Cadence asked in surprise.
"Yup, Mareatine U. Home of the fighting pufferfish."
"Go pufferfish!" Luna and Celestia called out.
"What did you major in?"
"Biology with a minor in decapitation," Tydal stated.
"While you were doing that and my dear sister was focused on doing keg stands, I majored in all things spooky," Luna said smugly. "So that makes me an expert in all things ghosty." She began to pace in front of the team. "Now then... as I said, ghosts are very shy and do not like to be seen by large groups of ponies or by credible witnesses. Luckily we are all drunk so it should decide to go after us." Luna pulled out her fake glasses and adjusted them, taking on a look of utter tedium. "You must be careful when approaching a ghost... if you look at it the spirit will blush, cover its eyes and turn intangible. But the moment you are no longer looking at it the ghost will uncover its eyes, stick out its tongue and bare its fangs and slowly chase after you... until you look at it again. Sometimes it helps if you are dressed as a plumber."
Shining ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "None of this sounds that believable-"
"Quiet you," Luna said. "Now then, the easiest way to lure a ghost to you is to begin sculpting a pot."
"Seriously?" Cadence said.
"Indeed. Ghosts love helping with pottery. It also helps if you sing." Luna cleared her throat. "Oooooh... my love... my darling... I hunger for your-"
"Finishing that lyric will bring terrible blights, for we will be forced to pay the song rights."
"Nicely caught," Celestia told Zecora.
"Alright, I think we should divide up based on strength and the hilarity of the pairings... naturally Tydal and Shining will be together, since they are hilarious as a couple."
"We are?" the capricorn and unicorn said.
"Big sister, you have long billowy hair and Zecora has a Mohawk, so that makes you partners."
The zebra nodded. "You never felt a stallion's touch before, and Cadence is quite clearly a w-"
"Hey!" Shining called out. "That's my wife!"
Cadence gently nuzzled her husband. "Thank you, sweetie." She turned to the group. "So, I'm a whore and Luna's a virgin... that means we're together, right?"
"I... I am so not a virgin!" Luna complained.
"Yes, of course you aren't," Celestia said sweetly.
"I am not!" Luna called out, chasing after her family as they began to make their way towards the castle. "I've been with a ton of stallions! Big ones! Pegasi and unicorns and earth ponies!"
"Whatever you say, Princess," Shining said with a smirk.
"Damn it, I am not a virgin! I'm practically a slut!" The group ignored her as they crossed over the bridge. "Are you listening to me? I'll do anything! I'd blow a sea serpent!"
"Oh, is that so?" a purple sea serpent said, emerging from the water. "I'd love to... oh, you're a girl. I thought you were a delightful boy offering moo-stache rides. Pity."
"...get the hay away from me, Steve Magnet!" Luna snapped. "You're just a one-note character."
"Look who's talking," Steve stated before descending underwater.
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i approve of all these references especially the star wars battlefront one
I'm just thinking that right now, Prince Blueblood is ruling the country like a drunken frat boy at a wet t-shirt contest.
Equestria's new motto: No Fat Chicks.
Sometimes it takes writing a few chapters to figure out exactly how a story should go. At first I assumed God Squad would just be a straight comedy about the rulers of Equestria (and their grumpy half goat brother) traveling around and having adventures.
But with this arc and the next one (set in APPPPLELOOOSA!) I realized that it is even more fun to take a bit of the craziness of The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo and apply it here: stick Luna, Celestia, Cadence, Shining and Tydal in different genres and see how they screw it up.
So, we had the debate, and now we are in the realm of ghost story. Next we will get a fun western. I also want to do a LOTR/Helms Deep parody, a pirate adventure and several more things I don't want to talk about.
Also, for those that are interested, the characters will shift between who takes a bigger lead and who steps back. Next chapter is Shining Armor/Tydal heavy, but the one after that is all about the girls. There will be arcs where Celestia plays the lead and others where it is Cadence.
thumb for the fic! great job! however sad cuz of Pony Creator pic... otherwise great job man!!!
Awesome chapter
This arc reeks of awesomeness. But remember, if there's one thing the Paranormal Activity movies have taught us, it's that he second you know there's ghosts about, don't call the Ghostbusters or leave the house immediey. Just whip out that camera and catch it on film before you die!
Scooby Doo and Mario references in one chapter, comic gold.
Also sure you're not a virgin Luna I believe you (NOT!)
When Luna denied her current virginity status, Twilight felt a shiver of fear. She would double-check the locks on the windows and make sure she had her anti-teleportation wards in place tonight.
You make my day.
Even I was drunk, I still laughed really hard reading this chapter.
Twi-Cadance.... (fall off my chair)
Luna is a virgin?
(She is an oppsite goddess against the virgin-like Celestia in some fictions
I know she's cute and acts like teenager.. But..
Ok, it's really good.)
GJ!
How could Luna be a virgin, she has a daughter!
...immaculate conception?
I knew it! I KNEW Twilight Sparkle was the type of pretentious know-it-all who would cheat at chess! I hope Spike finds that rule book soon and catches her in her web of lies and deceit!
1516592 Did you not read the Tydal Chapter in 'Scootaloo?' All of the Alicorns are sisters, but for some reason, they call Cadence their niece.
1518088 I was referring to the "Twilight is Luna/NNM's daughter" rumor from that same story.
So many references, Shining`s description of the Royal Guard really does fit considering who does do all the work at saving Equestria.
1518171 Oh. I feel like an idiot! =D
>>>"Biology with a minor in decapitation," Tydal stated.>>>
*Alondro eye-narrows at you dangerously* You patterned Tydal after me, didn't you... *sharpens his katana* There will be blood...
1515393 Did you say pirates?
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/326/2/3/kaizoku_sentai_gokaiger_by_blakehunter-d4gyf3s.jpg
1515541 How about this?
You went to college?!
Cadence... why you gotta be such a dumb slut? *sighs* meet me behind the shed.
I lol'd.
Good ol' Steven.
I love your Twilight. Plus, Mario reference. You're pure gold, no silver or bronze here.
Cadence, why u so airhead
I saw dat Goddess Within reference XD oh god the refs are killing me.
Nintendo logic! Damn you!
Sometimes it helps if you are dressed as a plumber.
Mario reference. Love it.
somtimes, it helps it you're dressed as a plumer.
oh hell...oh hell....
so..damn funny!
The royal guard are behind the Cosplaying Charity group in terms of defense...
You live in a library
even if there's no rulebook you should be able to find a history of chess book that has a set of rules
and all my questions have been answered
why are the bat guards stationed before the royal guards? royal guards came first
no youre a slutty nympho. whores do it for the cash
1621953 Wait, wasn't that last chapter (Cadance's cold opening idea)? Unless you're talking about the part where Twilight and Shining have sex...good times
...
Also, since I didn't say it in a while: I love dat Cadance! And yeah, I prefer sex dungeons to normal dungeons too.
(P.S. Yes, I know this comment is over a year old...nopony has to tell me...
Loving it.
>>“Well, I believe Mr. Rent Check died 978 years ago so getting it back was going to be a hassle anyway,” Celestia stated.
“That’s why I never rent,” Tydal commented. “I built my Keep the old fashion way.”
“With slaves?” Shining asked drolly.
“No, certified contractors. What do you mean, slaves? What the hell is wrong with you?” Tydal shook his head in disgust.<<
Shining!
>>“Like a capricorn would ever let an enemy live!” The sea god thrashed his tail about in agitation. “The first lesson all kids are taught is that you make sure your enemy is dead before you leave!”<<
Hans could use a lesson...
>>Blood gushed down one of the outer stone walls, leaving the words “You’re Gonging To Die”.
“Gonging?” Luna said. “What does that mean?”
The blood rushed back up and corrected the message: You’re Going To Die.
“Ah,” Celestia said happily. “That makes more sense.”<<
>>Celestia stepped over to the trembling Shining Armor and leaned down so she could look him in the eye. “Why are you so scared, my little pony? Are you not the captain of my guard?”
“Yeah, but the guard doesn’t actually fight anything,” Shining pointed out. “I mean, you have Twilight and her friends and the Wonderbolts and Luna’s freaky batguards,” Luna huffed at the idea that they were freaky (it hadn’t been hard to find stallions that wanted bat wings… it was difficult to find giant bats whose wings she could rip off), “and The Doctor and Mare-Do-Well and the 501 Stormtrooper Legion… after that your guard is next up but we never really have a challenge.”
“Actually I think the Filly Scouts are before you,” Celestia stated.
“Exactly!” Shining exclaimed. “The Royal Guard is where you go if you want to impress chicks with your uniform but not actually fight some pony! I did not sign up to go walking around some haunted castle! Go get my baby sister instead!”<<
>>Shining had in the meantime managed to snatch the box back from Luna and was clearing at the cartoony image of himself on the box. “I am going to sue the pants off them!”
“They probably don’t wear pants,” Celestia stated, “and neither do you so that would be pointless.”<<
>>Cadence nervously walked up to her husband, nuzzling him. “Sweetie… maybe you should just let it go… I mean… maybe they got permission to use your likeness and pressing them on it would be bad.”
Shining’s eyebrow twitched. “Cadence… what did you do?”
“… they had one of those pink glitter pens! You know how much I love them!”
“You signed away my name and likeness to a dog treat company just to get a pen!”
“No… no no no no no!” Cadence said. “I didn’t get to keep the pen, silly.”<<
>>"Because everypony knows, dear sister, that ghosts only interact with ponies when they are in groups of 2 or less. That is the way it works." The others gave her blank looks and the moon goddess sighed. "None of you took Supernatural Creatures 101 in college?"
"It conflicted with another class," Tydal stated.
"You went to college?" Cadence asked in surprise.
"Yup, Mareatine U. Home of the fighting pufferfish."
"Go pufferfish!" Luna and Celestia called out.
"What did you major in?"
"Biology with a minor in decapitation," Tydal stated.<<
>>"Quiet you," Luna said. "Now then, the easiest way to lure a ghost to you is to begin sculpting a pot."
"Seriously?" Cadence said.
"Indeed. Ghosts love helping with pottery. It also helps if you sing." Luna cleared her throat. "Oooooh... my love... my darling... I hunger for your-"
"Finishing that lyric will bring terrible blights, for we will be forced to pay the song rights."
"Nicely caught," Celestia told Zecora.<<
1516592 Nightmare Moon is Twilight's mother, not, technically, Luna.
And last chapter, when I said Shining was the universe's chew- toy, I didn't mean it litteraly!
Yeah, I'm giving him TFS Vegeta's voice.
Depends on what you're into.
Tydal is a troll.
Ok then.
You're kidding me.
She's got a point.
Riiight.
Of course.
Mario, really?
Wow, this is actually a nice touch, he does care for Cadence despite her, unique brand of craziness.
You're just a nympho, not a whore.
Er...
Actually, Luna's appeared once in Season 3 in the premiere, at least twice in Season 4 and neither Princess has appeared in Season 5 apart from in the opening.
Wait was that a married... With children reference
awesome... 
Man, this reminds me of that one time in the original cartoon when they asked if he wanted a "Shaggy Snack". I think it was a big sandwich or something.
This wouldn't really be such a chore if Cadance wasn't such a massive wh-