Luna decides to go on an adventure and her family tags along for the ride!
Princess Luna is bored.
She spent a 1000 years on the moon and while she is happy to be back to her old self (even if she knows her evil scheme would have worked if it weren't for those meddling mares!) her sister refuses to let her do anything fun. .
The Princess of the Moon is fed up! She is going to go on an adventure! She is going to find Queen Chrysalis and punch that bug in the flank! And along the way she is going to fight bears, fall in love, explore strange worlds and everything else all the guide books say should happen on an adventure.
Too bad her sister (The ever calm and collected Celestia) has decided to tag along and bring their niece (the sex-crazed Cadence), nephew-in-law (the sane and rational Shining Armor) and brother (the grumpy OC/Oceanic Creature Tydal) along for the ride.
What happens when the gods go on a road trip? Chaos, insanity, and mayhem, of course!
(This is the spiritual sequel to "The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo". While you don't need to read that story to enjoy this one, it wouldn't hurt to give it a glance to understand why many of the characters are the way they are).
'Once upon a time in magical land of Equestria there were two regal sister who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest, a stick in the mud who was never interested in having fun, used her unicorn powers raise the sun at dawn. The younger, who was a lot smarter than her sister and had a much prettier mane, brought out the moon, which is better than the sun in so many ways. I mean, have you seen the sun? It looks the same, every day! The moon can be a full moon, a quarter moon, a half moon or even a new moon! Now that is pretty cool!
And thus the two maintained balance for themselves and their subjects... but we all know who was better at it (coughTheYoungerOnecough).
But as time went on the younger sister got tired of her sister always telling her to eat her vegetables and to use coasters and not put her hooves up on the table. So she decided to do like most teenagers do and go through a rebellious phase where she got some wicked armor and listened to speed metal.
Oh, and if any pony tries to tell you that some jerk with metal wings named Doubt was involved... they're lying. It was totally me... uh... I mean her. Yeah, her.
Where was I? Oh, right. So the younger one was just doing her own thing when the eldest sister, who was jealous of her sister's mane and ability to rip traitorous ponies apart with her magic, came stomping in and pitched a bitch. They fought for a while (the eldest mostly resorting to 'Yo mama' jokes) before the younger sister decided to head to the moon and chill out for a a thousand years.
And that is the history of Equestria... nothing else of importance happened.
Oh... and I guess there was also this chaos god who made chocolate rain... and these weird bug ponies... and the griffins, but I really don't pay much attention to those nerds... and this entire nation of capricorns led by an OC... you know what, nevermind, Celestia can do the friggin' opening. I'm going back to bed.'
The God Squad Episode One: Broken Pilot
It was times like this that made Princess Luna, goddess of the moon, co-ruler of Equestria, and champion salad maker, wonder if she were adopted.
Of course that was silly. Alicorns did not occur naturally and a pony simply didn’t turn into one, despite what all those filly romance novels would have you believe (‘Seriously, they think if some colt that glitters bites them they’ll suddenly grow wings ?’ Luna had once thought after reading about the novel several of her servants had been gushing about). She and her sister had come into being because their mother, aka Mother, aka the Creator, had decided to whip them up into existence.
In the beginning there had been nothing. Then their Mother had created the world and the sky and the sea and all other sorts of things and created a god or goddess to be their masters. Then for a while she had played around with smaller things, creating ponies and dragons and dancing monkeys, before she had decided that the world needed more light than what was created by unicorn magic.
So, with a bit of fluff and some light sprinkled on top, baked for 350 degrees for 30 minutes (rotating half way through to ensure there was no burning) out of nothingness had popped a cute little alicorn foal that Mother had dubbed Celestia, goddess of the sun. A few years later, or so the story went, Mother had decided that the night need its own shining globe and, using a bit of dark clouds and a touch of pale light, whipped up in a blender and left to chill in the fridge, she’d created Luna. She had been made to compliment her big sister, to work with her to forever chase away the darkness.
And while she knew all this, she couldn’t help but wonder just how two alicorns who were so different could be related.
She looked at her sister, standing near her throne (and why she had a throne in the first place when she refused to sit…pretty much ever…was a mystery in and of itself) radiating with perfect calm. Everything about Celestia was measured and controlled, even her more darker emotions. One would have called her anal retentive but Celestia was too peaceful for even that label (and not, as some theorized, because Celestia lacked an anus; Luna could tell them childhood stories that would blow that theory out of the water).
Luna was none of those things. She wore her emotions on her sleeve (and said sleeve was so big a dragon could have used it as a blankie) and the idea of patience was such a foreign concept to her that it was practically non-existence. That is why she become Nightmare Moon after the ponies had shunned her (‘Ok, so maybe they didn’t shun me…maybe they just didn’t appreciate my beautiful night…and maybe it was only one night…and yes, it was cloudy and you couldn’t actually see the sky…’) and why she still found it so hard to interact with others. She just always seemed to say the wrong thing and cause everypony to stare at her like she was insane.
Like her sister was at that very moment (in a completely peaceful and serene way, of course).
“Little Sister, while I understand your frustrations…I believe your plan is flawed.” Celestia was pouring over some scroll, a pair of tiny little nerd-is-in glasses on her nose (which Luna suspected she only wore in order to make herself look smart).
“It isn’t flawed!” Luna complained.
“You believe it wise to hunt down Queen Chrysalis and, I quote, ‘hoofpunch her in the rump’?”
Luna nodded happily. “Of course. If you would prefer, I could change it to ‘buck her in the snout’.”
Celestia merely glanced up from the scroll, not even bothering to roll her eyes. “No.”
“So we can stick with hoofpunching.”
Celestia sighed. “I mean no to your entire proposal.”
“But sister…”
“No.”
“Then how about-“
“Yes,” Celestia said, already knowing her sister was going to try and ask her the exactly opposite of her original question in an attempt to trip her up.
Luna stuck her tongue out at her sister. Yes it was childish and unbefitting a princess, but so was being a mean stupid poopyhead.
Celestia let out a sigh (a nice, calm, peaceful sigh). “Luna, it simply isn’t practical.”
“So?” Luna charged, paced up and down in agitation. “The changelings kidnapped our niece and held her in a dungeon for nearly a week. Their queen attacked you in front of everypony and trapped you in that weird…goo thing-“
“Goo thing?” Celestia asked.
“Yes, goo-thing. That is what it was.”
“Actually it was a protoplasmic discharge that…”
Luna, at that point, resorted to an ancient and powerful technique first mastered by the Tora Tora Pony Monks of West Equestria. It had been passed down from generation to generation, a secret known only to the monks until 1,230 years ago when Brother Loose Lips had gotten tipsy during The Prancing Human Bar and Grill’s Two for One Cider night and told the secret to a mare whose name he had been trying to get (she went home with the bartender). Now, the ancient and powerful technique was known to all but that didn’t make it any less powerful…or ancient.
It was known as ‘tuning the pony out’.
Luna looked at the scroll Celestia still held up with her magic, scowling in annoyance. She knew the only pony that could have sent her sister a letter was Celestia’s prized student, Twilight Sparkle. The little unicorn was always sending the princess letters about the exciting adventures she was going on and the lives she was affecting and improving. It made Luna sick to her stomach and at times she considered using her magic to send the moon crashing into Ponyville just to get her to stop (she would NOT, however, carve a giant face in the moon, as was suggested by her servant Dust Buster, who was REALLY into The Legend of Epona).
She hated those letters and she hated Twilight Sparkle so much…because the unicorn got to do so many fun and exciting things! It just wasn’t fair!
Fighting dragons! Taking on hydras! Beating back villains and tricksters! Exploring the Everfree! Fluttershy! Even the little things, like bucking trees or having spa days ! Luna wanted that desperately. Life in the court was so boring, especially after having been the great terror of Equestria. Oh, she didn’t want to go back to being Nightmare Moon…but there was something said to the enjoyment one could find in sending ponies fleeing in terror and plotting out delicious traps for her oh so pure sister (and that last one would have totally worked if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dragon).
After Luna’s return from the moon, Celestia had decided that it would be best to ease her sister into the modern world slowly. And by slowly she meant at a pace that would make a snail go “hurry up, grandma!” It wouldn’t have been that bad, if not for the fact that Celestia had coddled her like she was some foal who had just learned to canter. Every visit for that first year with anyone but the servants had been done under Celestia’s watchful eye and the moment things looked to get even a bit exciting she was sent off to her room. Luna hadn’t even been allowed to go to the Galloping Gala (though, from what she had heard about it, that might have been a good thing). She’d managed to sneak away during Nightmare Night but Celestia had been there to greet her when she returned like a stallion pacing the floors, waiting for his filly to come home from Prom.
That’s why Luna had come up with the plan to go hunting for Queen Chrysalis. She wanted to get out, stretch her wings and have an adventure. She wanted to go hunting for bad guys and eat exotic foods and dance on the beach barehoof.
And here was her sister, ruining all her fun.
“…Luna, are you listening to me?” Celestia asked.
“Uh huh,” Luna said quickly.
“Oh…good.” Celestia smiled and Luna thanked Mother that her sister, bless her flowing mane, had no idea how to identify sarcasm. Sometimes Luna wondered if common pony traits simply had no room in that pretty little head of hers. “Now, if you would like to draw up some better plans, I am sure Shining Armor would be happy to help.”
Luna rolled her eyes as the white stallion trotted over to them. Shining was captain of Celestia’s royal guard and, more importantly, their nephew-in-law. Or brother-in-law. It was hard to tell with their family, what with Mother just creating them out of thin air on whim. Technically all her children were their siblings…but some of them were so old or too strange or just too annoying for Luna to consider them close family (such as ‘uncle’ Discord). But Shining Armor’s wife was Princess Cadence, the goddess of love and, more importantly, Luna’s ‘niece’, which made Shining family as well.
He was also a bit of a worry wart and a party pooper. Considering whom his sister was Luna wasn’t surprised.
“Well, of course Princess,” Shining said, utterly dutiful as always. Luna wondered if he practiced in the mirror each night before hopping into bed (‘Yes Princess Celestia’ ‘Of course Princess Celestia’ ‘How long must I bend over, Princess Celestia?’). The captain cleared his throat as he ramped up for a long speech. “I would suggest that we first take some time to examine the changeling race, do some research into their society and their biology…”
“I am going to be using that technique a lot today, aren’t I?” Luna muttered.
“Huh?” Shining said.
“Nothing!” Luna sang.
Shining was about ready to open his mouth (and Luna was about ready to shut her ears) when the doors to the throne room were thrown open and a capricorn that rivaled Celestia in size burst in, murder blazing in his eyes. Of course, for a capricorn that was a common sight; they were, after all, a warrior race prone to fighting first and asking questions later (if at all). The old king (who looked rather youthful even if he was well over 4,000 years old) zeroed in on the sun goddess and bellow, “Celestia!”
Luna smirked. Lord Tydal, king of the Mareatine Sea, ruler of the capricorns, master of Tydal’s Keep in Bridle Bay and god of the sea (along with several other titles that he had gathered over the years, including the 5 Time Cursing Champ and winner of the 3rd Annual Mareatine Seaweed Eating contest) was one of the few beings in Canterlot that could cause more of a ruckus than Luna herself.
Tydal only made the issue of family relations even stickier for the princesses. One of the older members of their family, Tydal had been the one to train Celestia and Luna in the art of magic after their Mother had left the two, then fillies, on his draw bridge with a simple “enjoy!” before she went off and made some sprites. They had been raised in his keep and all at once saw him as a father, a grumpy uncle, and a mentor. After he had returned to them a few months ago (after getting over a nasty case of ‘being turned to stone’) and Celestia had asked their ‘brother’ (the term the sisters had finally decided to apply to him, much as Celestia had chosen ‘niece’ for Cadence… to Tydal’s annoyance) to come stay in Canterlot for a season to help reintegrate into a world that had leapt 1,500 years ahead of him.
Reintegration to capricorns apparently meant doing all they could to raise Tartarus.
Tydal had, in no short order, destroyed three rooms, draining the royal pool, ruined a royal dinner and, on 6 separate occasions, had to be dragged away from Prince Blueblood, lest he decapitate the unicorn with his tail. That did not take into account his blatant disrespect to the Canterlot elite, including one incident where he had caused 4 mares to faint purely by cursing (showing that he had earned his title fair and square!).
Every time Celestia had asked him what had happened, the god of the sea had grunted and told her, “I’m a warrior king, what did you expect?” before going find some cider to drink and leaving the princess gaping at the carnage left in his wake.
The only reason Tydal hadn’t been banished to the moon, other than the fact that Celestia and Luna loved the old goat with all their hearts, was that both sisters feared for the moon if they left Tydal upon it.
“I’m sorry my queen!” the guard said, trying to grab onto Tydal’s long fish tail without being sliced to ribbons by the razor sharp fan at the end of it. “I tried to stop this OC from entering but he insisted on joining all of you.”
“It is quite alright. Please let Lord Tydal go,” Celestia said.
The capricorn stomped away from the guard, heading over to Luna and giving his ‘sister’ an affectionate nuzzle. He’d never say it, but Luna knew she was his favorite (and he her’s).
“OC?” Shining asked.
“Oceanic Creature, of course.”
All in the room nodded.
“Do not worry guard; Tydal will not hurt any of us.”
The guard glared at the trouble-causing warrior. “I don’t know…I think letting him stay will ruining the fic.”
“The what now?” Luna asked.
“The fic…the Functionality In Canterlot.”
“Ahhhh,” all four in attendance said.
“Guard, what is your name?” Shining asked.
“Wall Breaker, sir.”
Celestia frowned (and yet somehow made it look calm, much to Luna’s annoyance). “Why have I heard that name before?”
“All the stallions in my family since my great grandfather have been named Wall Breaker, Princess. I am the 4th Wall Breaker.”
The three gods and the captain blinked.
“Uh…well, thank you, guard. You may leave us,” Shining said.
“Yes sir!” The guard saluted, though he gave Tydal a foul look. “I will be keeping an eye on you, to make sure you don’t turn out to be a Mary Sue.” When the others just stared, the guard opened his mouth to explain, only for Tydal to use his magic to slam the door in his face.
“Celestia, I have come to the conclusion all your guards are idiots.” He looked over at the captain of the royal guard (and technically his nephew-in-law/brother-in-law as well). “Oh, hello Shining. Some offense.”
“Don’t you mean ‘no offense’?” The captain asked.
Tydal merely shrugged his shoulders and trotted over to Celestia. “I see you repaired that skylight.”
“That wasn’t a skylight…you just blasted a hole through the ceiling after one of the council members spent twenty minutes prattling on about zoning ordinances,” Luna politely reminded him.
“Ah, right right.” He gave Celestia a nuzzle of her own before smiling. “Did Luna tell you our brilliant plan?”
“No, she did not,” Celestia stated. “She was too busy telling me a crazy and most likely suicidal plan.”
The capricorn nodded. “Right then, I’ll tell you our brilliant plan then: we find Queen Chrysalis and hoofpunch her in the flank.”
Celestia just stared at him, it clear from the twitch of her eyebrow that she was wondering if her mentor had suffered brain damage during his time as a stone statue.
“If you don’t like that we could also buck her in the snout,” Tydal said pleasantly.
“…what is wrong with you two?” Shining demanded.
“Lots of things, why do you ask?” Luna and Tydal both asked at the same time. The two shared a smile, which only grew when they saw Celestia’s other eyebrow twitch. Oh yes, they were in for it now…they had actually made Celestia attempt a glare.
Attempt being the key word, because if that were a glare then it was the softest, kindest glare anyone had ever seen. Bunnies had given harder glares. Baby bunnies.
“Tydal, I understand that you have had…difficulties…here in Canterlot-“ Luna snorted but didn’t interrupt her sister, “-but you must understand it is for the best. The capricorn race has been gone from this world for 1,500 years and with your return everything has been flipped on its head. I want to ease the transition, to ensure that there are no prejudices.”
“I agree,” Tydal said, all humor and amusement leaving his voice as he began to pace the up and down the room. It was easy to forget with his brash manners and gruff attitude that Tydal was a king and a god and had ruled the Mareatine Sea for 2,500 years before coming down with a case of ‘I got turned into a rock saving you lot from Discord’. “It is of the absolute necessity that my subjects and yours learn to get along with one another.”
“I am glad we agree.”
“Which is why Luna and I need to go on an adventure; if I don’t get in a fight soon I will probably lop some high society unicorn’s head off and I imagine that will cause a bit of a stir.”
“Did you just threaten to murder somepony in front of the princess?” Shining Armor questioned, looking positively scandalized.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Luna muttered.
“I could just seriously maim them, if you’d prefer, Shining.”
“I would not.”
“A nice disemboweling?”
Celestia sighed. “Tydal…please…”
“I am a warrior, Celestia, and a capricorn. Capricorns do not believe in societal ranks and other trash like that. If my subjects live in the dirt than I must be the muddiest of them all.” His tail thrashed in aggravation. “I understand why things are the way they are. I understand the hand you were dealt and why you must suffer the fools and their parties and galas and their belief that it the actions of one’s forefathers that determines your power and prestige. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. The changelings have caused you problems…unleash Luna and I on them and well will deal with them. Let me do what Mother created me to do…let me bring the rage of the sea.”
Luna would have begun to clap if she didn’t already know what her sister’s answer would be.
“No.”
Tydal glowered.
“I am sorry,” Celestia said, lowering her head a bit as her old teacher let out a grunt of annoyance. “I know this bothers you but it would simply not be smiled upon, sending you out to fight the changelings. There are certain expectations…”
Luna and Tydal both shared a look and used the art of ‘tune her out’.
They had figured Celestia would turn them down and Luna had wanted to simply bolt from the castle and go on the adventure without bothering to ask. She was, afterall, one of the rulers of Equestria, so she should have the right to do as she pleased.
Tydal had pointed out that the last time Luna had come to a conclusion like that, she’d ended up sealed in the moon for a thousand years wearing an ugly helmet (‘I liked it…’ Luna had protested). He had told her that out of common courtesy they needed to talk to Celestia, to see if she would grant them permission to basically lead a two pony army against the changeling empire.
And when she said no, they would fall back on Plan B: Do it anyway.
“-and then they made me their chief.” Celestia blinked, tilting her head. “Sister, are you listening to me?”
“Of course!” Luna said quickly. “We weren’t ignoring you and plotting to go against your advice!”
“…oh, good!” Celestia smiled, eyes going back to the scroll she had been reading. “I am glad you have seen reason.”
Luna nodded. “Oh, yes I have, dear sister, yes I have. Thank you ever so much for opening my eyes to my mistake.” She glanced over at Tydal, waiting for him to chime in, but he was still in the middle of the ancient technique (and, if Luna stared hard enough, she thought she could see the image of him brutally beating Prince Blueblood with a folding chair playing in his eyes). She kneed him hard enough to get the sea god to snap out of it, looking about.
“Right…whatever Luna said.”
“Good!” Celestia said happily, not noticing the wink Luna sent Tydal or the furrowed brow of the Captain.
“By the way...I am suddenly in the mood for cupcakes!”
“Did someone say Cupcakes?” Wall Breaker said, opening the door. “Because I hated that fanf-“
Tydal slammed the door in the guard’s face once more.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “It is a bit early for cupcakes, but I suppose I could have the chef-“
“No no no…I want special cupcakes. Like the one as Sugarcube Corner. You know, the one in Ponyville? I think I will pop down there and grab a few.”
Tydal quickly nodded. “And I will join her.”
“Oh, well that sounds like fun,” Celestia said, finishing with Twilight’s letter and setting it aside.
Luna flashed a smile that would have made her Nightmare Moon persona very proud. “Also, just to let you know, so you don’t worry or send a search party, we are going to take the long way, since Tydal can’t exactly fly. So we might be a few hours….or weeks…late. But don’t worry…we aren’t going to go hunting for changelings!”
“Because we said we wouldn’t,” Tydal added, trying his best to sound as grumpy and off-put as possible (which, for him, wasn’t that hard).
Celestia nodded, a slight smile gracing her lips. “Very good.”
Luna and Tydal both nodded to each other, heading towards the door…only to realize Celestia was following them. “Was there something else, big sister?” Luna asked.
“Oh no, nothing.”
Luna took a step forward, only to hear her sister do the same.
“Uh…Celestia?”
The sun goddess smiled. “I merely realized that I too could go for a cupcake…would you mind if I joined you?”
Tydal and Luna looked at each other, wondering if Celestia was in on their game or just being her usual, naive self. It was hard to tell with her at times. “Uh…of course not…” Luna stammered.
“Princess, I don’t think that is a wise idea!” Shining said, hurrying to try and stop the three from leaving. “You will be walking to Ponyville…there could be danger and demons and Diamond Dogs and disasters!”
“And other things that start with D!” Luna added.
“Gods, Shining, gods,” Tydal reminded him.
The stallion blushed slightly at that reminded but still held his ground.
“If you are so concerned, Shining Armor, you may accompany us,” Celestia said, missing the grimace Luna and Tydal shared.
“Well…I would love to, Princess, but Cadence-“
“Are we getting cupcakes?!” Cadence squealed, popping up behind Shining Armor (she had been taking Interdimensional Teleportation classes from Pinkie Pie for the last 4 weeks).
“Yes, would you like to come?” Celestia said.
“Oh would I!” Cadence giggled, clapping her hooves together. “I love cupcakes…”
“You do know that cupcakes is not a sexual act, right?” Luna asked. “We are talking about the pastry.”
“Oh…” Cadence frowned before perking up. “Can I use them during sex?”
“When we last left our heroes, Princess Luna had convinced Princess Celestia to allow her and Lord Tydal to go to Ponyville to get cupcakes. Princess Celestia, not know that the trip was merely a lie and the two gods planned to find Queen Chrysalis and beat her up, decided to go with them and convinced Princess Cadence and Royal Consort Shining Armor to join them. Our 5 heroes now march towards Ponyville-“
"Excuse me," Luna said, walking up to the strange teal-colored earth pony that was rambling on in a deep, dramatic voice. He was standing next to a tree, watching them all a bit too closely (his gaze was as intense as Twilight Sparkles when she spotted a new book on complex theorems). "What are you doing?"
"I...I am narrating the story," the pony said, confused.
Celestia walked over, having not heard most of the strange pony’s ramblings. “Luna, what is going on?”
“I found this pony gabbing about us…he claims he is narrating.”
"...why?" Celestia questioned.
"Because every great story needs a narrator!" the pony declared, puffing out his chest.
"Yeah...'great' story," Shining Armor grunted.
Luna tilted her head, utterly bemused by the strange pony. "What is your name?"
"I am Plotdump the Narrator, Princess Luna!"
Tydal just stared at him, his already quite low opinion of ponies only plummeting (and let’s face it, his opinion was so low that you’d have to lift your shoe up to see it). “I vote we just let this go.”
The moon goddess ignored him. "And...Plotdump...how did you know we would be walking down this trail?" Luna gave him a dark look, leaning in close to see if there were any beads of perspiration running down his brow (a sure sign he was either lying or had eaten a bad burrito). "Seems pre-tty convenient that you just happened to know where we would be and when."
"Ah, but that is my special talent," Plotdump said happily, not at all showing any duress from the interrogation. "I know the backstory of anypony who happens to walk by! That allows me to narrate their lives and add a touch of magic and whimsy to their day!"
“…I can kill this one, right?” Tydal asked, his razor sharp tail fan swishing at the joyful thought of the blood erupting from Plotdump’s neck as his head went bouncing down the trail. The capricorn king took a step forward, teeth gleaming in the sun. “Care to narrate this next part, Plotty?”
The pony slowly began to back away in fright.
“No,” Celestia said, nodding to her sister. The two of them began to walk away from the strange narrating pony, Celestia waiting for just the right moment before turning back to look at Tydal. “I decree that from now on, you are only allowed to kill somepony if Shining Armor says it’s ok.”
BANG!
“He fainted!” Shining Armor exclaimed, staring at the prone form of the OC.
“I’ll give him mouth to mouth!” Cadence squealed, licking her lips.
“Cadence, no!” Luna shouted as her niece leapt on top of Tydal, puckering up. The God Squad Episode 2: The Ballad of Steve
"Princess Celestia, I still don't think this is a good idea," Shining Armor complained as the five of them entered the city limits of Ponyville ('Home of Derpy Hooves!').
"I wasn't aware you didn't like cupcakes, Captain," Celestia said, raising an eyebrow.
"He doesn't like anything that is fun," Luna said sourly, having grown tired of Shining's complaining 20 minutes into the trip (about the time he had expressed his worry that they hadn’t stretched before starting and thus were risking muscle strain). "In fact, if you declared whining to be officially the funniest activity in all of Equestria, I think it would cause his brain to explode."
Cadence happily skipped beside her aunts. "Sex is fun and my Shining loves that! Why, just a few hours ago while you were taking a potty break we tried this move in the Pony Sutra and I didn’t realize Shining would giggle when I stuck my tongue-"
"If you finish that sentence I cannot be held accountable for my actions," Tydal warned her. His mood had only grown darker the more they had hiked (and it wasn’t helped by the fact that he couldn’t get the taste of Cadence out of his mouth… it was like he had gargled with sugar and shame).
"Can we please not talk about my brain exploding or my sex life?" Shining begged.
"We could talk about my sex life," Luna said with a smirk.
Tydal blinked. Cadence and Shining shared a confused look. Celestia frowned.
"...so Cadence, I've never heard of the Pony Sutra-"
"Ha ha ha," Luna grumbled, kicking a rock and watching it skip down the road (well, not so much skip as go rocketing off into lower orbit). While her sister’s sense of humor was as dry as toast in the desert, she had a way of making a quiet, dignified insult that were worse than someone getting in your face and laughing at you so hard spittle flew from their mouth.
"All kidding aside," Celestia said when she saw that she had managed, once again, to get under her sister’s skin (‘You still have it, Tia!’) "we already have the perfect disguises."
Shining rolled his eyes, trying to get the rulers of Equestria to see reason. "Princess, I think you are missing the point."
"I don't see what the problem is, Shining," Cadence said happily, looking about her in glee at all the wildlife that scurried around them. "We aren't wearing our royal vestments, so no pony will recognize us!" Cadence lifted up her leg, wiggling her bare hoof. They had left their crowns, necklaces and gilded shoes back at the castle (as well as some thongs and four pairs socks but no pony was quite sure why they had those). Shining had gone without his armor, trotting about like he would if he were going for a stroll in the park. Tydal had even left his battle armor behind, with strict orders to the guards to not touch it lest they come down with a bad case of ‘Being Cut In Half’ (why a god needed armor was a question for another time).
"But Cadence," Shining said slowly, trying to convince his wife to see things from his point of view, "you're forgetting that you three are pretty well known! Celestia’s face is plastered everywhere, and there are paintings of all three of you hanging about Equestria.” He waved his hoof at Tydal. “And I’m sure you have a wanted poster in the post office…”
Tydal glowered. “Permission to kill you, Shining?”
“Denied.”
Luna huffed. "That's why we brought these!" Her horn glowed and a pair of simply black glasses appeared on all of their faces. "See, no one will recognize us now!"
"It's what the celebrities do," Celestia reasoned, adjusting her own pair.
“I have the urge to say a pun while Tydal screams ‘Yeah!’,” Cadence stated.
“I am not screaming ‘Yeah’,” the capricorn grunted, looking at the glasses in disgust.
"...you can't be serious," Shining complained as the glasses appeared on his face; he didn’t notice that intrepid reporter Lotus Lane had just gotten ready to rush them before stopping short the moment the glasses appeared on their faces, leaving her wondering who the 5 nerdy ponies were and where the princesses, the king of the Mareatine and the Captain of the royal guard had gone.
"We’re as serious as a tickle fight!" Cadence giggled. “And I take my tickle fights VERY seriously.”
Shining looked skyward, praying for strength (which was foolish since he was traveling with 3 goddesses and a god). "Listen...I am going to say this as simply as I can...it doesn't matter what you wear...you three are alicorns and Tydal is a capricorn....and two of you are nearly 3 times the size of most ponies. You stick out of a crowd and EVERY pony is going to wonder why you are so big!"
Tydal and Celestia looked at each other, then down at Shining. "We're foreign exchange students," the sun goddess finally said.
Shining Armor rolled his eyes so far back he could see his brain (and it was attempting to claw its way out of his skull). "How...what..."
Tydal scoffed. "Don't look at me...I could care less who recognizes me.” He turned, and at the top of his lungs, roared, “HEY EVERYPONY! I AM THE GOD OF THE SEA!"
"Sure ya are!" Officer Grits said as he marched past them, tutting to himself, "and I have tea with Princess Celestia every day at four!"
"I have never met that pony before and I hate tea," Celestia stated (while Cadence and Luna restrained a fuming Tydal, lest he cut the policepony's head off despite Shining’s command he not).
"He was being sarcastic," Luna said gently as she struggled to hold onto Tydal's thrashing tail.
"...oh, ok."
After the sea god had been calmed (which involved promises of hugs from Cadence and promises of bloodshed by Luna...guess which one motivated Tydal more) the party made their way onto Ponyville's Historic Main Street (Historic because Mayor Mare had paid the 75 bits to the Equestria History Society to get a plaque put up that claimed it was ‘historic’). Shining felt his mind melting into a bubbling puddle of confusion and frustration and other words that end with –tion when not a single pony bothered to point out that their princesses, the captain of the role guard and an OC were walking past them.
"So Luna," Tydal hissed while Celestia was busy saying hello to a vegetable vendor, "how do you plan on ditching these three so we can get back to the real reason we are here?”
"I have a genius plan."
"...I was afraid you'd say that."
"My plans always work out!"
Tydal looked about, staring at the sky. "Really? Because I might be confused but this is the brightest night I've ever seen."
"...ok, all but one of my plans work out."
“The moon is really brilliant today. I like how you set it on fire-”
“I GET IT!”
"Luna, we're here!" Celestia called out. The moon goddess and the capricorn looked straight ahead at Sugacube Corner. The place was so sugary and sweet that all the goddesses could feel themselves gaining 15 pounds just from staring at it (and the males in the party felt the instinctual need to tell them ‘No, those glasses don’t make you look fat!’). "Come along then, I would like to sample one of those 'bear claws' I've heard of...do you think they are made of real bears?"
"No way!" Pinkie Pie said, bursting out the door to greet the new arrivals. "That would be silly!"
"They are called bear claws because they are big and shaped like a bear's paw," Shining stated (while Luna hyperventilated from the sudden appearance of the pink mare).
Pinkie giggled. "Well, yeah...and the fact that I have a bear help me make them!"
"Shhhhh Tiny! We have customers!" Pinkie called out. She turned back to the five startled ponies (Tydal being an honorary pony, much to his annoyance) and flashed them a grin. "Wow, he gets grumpy sometimes!" She paused, looking the 5 over, before letting out a gasp. "OHMYOHMYOHMY!"
"I told you this wouldn't work," Shining said in self-satisfaction.
Luna smirked. "And Shining Armor is proven wrong in 3...2..."
"YOU'RE NEW PONIES!" Pinkie leapt 10 feet in the air, fireworks exploding from her arms and legs. She landed on top of Celestia and began to bounce on each of the gods’ backs. "WE HAVE TO THROW YOU A PARTY! THERE WILL BE CUPCKAES AND PUNCH AND DONUTS AND BEAR CLAWS THAT AREN'T TINY'S CLAWS AND-" Pinkie took a breath, hopping off the three and giving them a grin. "But first I need to know your names! Can't have a party without names! That would be silly! Unless it was a ‘No-Name Party’, in which case I wouldn’t need your names because that would defeat the whole purpose of a ‘No-Name Party’!"
“She reminds me of your daughter,” Luna whispered to Tydal, who merely nodded in agreement (Princess Coral, one of the twin daughters of King Tydal and Queen Merida, was feared throughout the Mareatine for her Party-apult).
"Uh...our n...our names are...uh..." Celestia stammered as Pinkie pressed her face against hers. Of the two sisters she was always the least creative when it came to anything but pranks (which was why Luna's night sky was filled with stars, comets, meteors and other space junk while the day had...clouds). Heck, until Celestia had handed over the naming of towns to a royal Name Creator, she had basically taken the word Pony and stuck it in front of –ville, -town, -berg, and –slum (Ponyslum was actually rather nice and had a wonderful golf course, including their Par 4 Hole 17 with waterfall and sandtrap in the shape of a lamp).
"I am Nightdancer," Luna gracefully lied with a smile, extending her hoof to Pinkie. While she might have been awkward the last time she had come to Ponyville, she had recently had help building her confidence...
~4 months earlier~
"What do we say if somepony mistreats us?" Iron Will called out to everypony attending his seminar.
"Get in my way, I'll make you pay!" Luna screamed with the rest of the audience, stomping her hooves as Iron Will whipped them up into a frenzy.
“That’s right! And you will pay… for my book, “I am Equestria (And So Can You!)”, now in paperback!”
~MC~MC~MC~
Luna turned to Celestia. "This is my...little sister, Sunny Skies.” Celestia sputtered but, not having any better ideas, had to settle for 'Nightdancer's' idea. "This is our niece, Hot Lovin and her husband Wet Blanket. He’s a eunuch." Shining ground his teeth so hard it was a wonder he didn't end up with a mouth full of dust. For her part, Cadence wondered if she should add 'Hot Lovin' to her name (Princess Mi Amora Hot Lovin Cadenza...it had a nice ring to it). Luna finally turned to Tydal. "And this is… Steve."
Everyone blinked.
"I'm from Detrot," Tydal said without missing a beat.
"Ah," Pinkie murmured. "That makes sense. Come on, let’s go!"
"And thus Tydal looked at the rest of them and shrugged, not realizing that Pinkie was leading them to their doom…"
"We can still hear you!" Luna called out to Plotdump.
Prince Blueblood burst into his aunt’s court, expecting to find her there; Celestia was always there, going over some scrolls (he didn’t know why Celestia didn’t fix the Spam Filter on her Scroll-Mail to block all those pesky ‘Twilight Sparkle’ letters). But instead of finding Celestia standing near her throne, all that greeted him was an empty chair and several guards playing poker (using the royal throne to hold their chip dip).
“What… what is going on here?” he stammered in shock. “I need to talk to my dear Aunt Celestia about my idea to outlaw all forms of bridge.”
“The game or the structure?” a guard known as Sure Step asked (not all the names of the guards were jokes).
“Both. So where is she?”
“Celestia went to go get cupcakes. Said she might be gone for a while,” Wall Breaker said simply. “Raise 3.”
Blueblood just stood there, his brain racing. “Wait a minute… so Princess Celestia isn’t here?” The guards shook their heads. “And neither is my Aunt Luna?” Again, a shake of heads. “And what of Princess Cadence?”
“Gone… or trapped in a pantry again. Either way, she isn’t around. I call.”
“So… that would mean that… I am in charge!” Blueblood puffed out his chest in utter pride and delight. “I am the ruler of Equestria!”
“I’m not sure it works that way…” a guard (Corporal Logic Point) stated.
“I’m pretty sure it does!” Blueblood said, already planning on having his cutie mark plastered on everything in sight.
Wall Breaker grinned. “Wow, now this will lead to comedic moments that the audience will love to read about!”
Blueblood just stared at the guard, trying to make sense of what he had said. “You know what, I don’t care because I am the Prince and I am now in charge.” Blueblood cleared his throat. “I decree that mares are no longer allowed to be lesbians if they are fat.”
“Why would you-“
“I HAVE SPOKEN!”
The God Squad Episode 3: They Say Cages are Low in Calories…
Meanwhile, back at the plot…
Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Shining Armor and Tydal stepped into Sugarcube Corner and found it was business as usual: Bon Bon was trying to keep Lyra from cutting off Spike's hands and grafting them to her forelegs; Snowflake was celebrating his recovery from the trots (unfortunately he would come down with the unicorn flu that evening...which was weird because he was a pegasus); Pound and Pumpkin Cake were defying all logic when it came to babies while being ignored by their parents; Thunderlane was grilling Rose Bud on some filly named Scoota-something; Carrot Top was trying to explain that she wasn't 'That Carrot Top' and thus hadn’t brought a bag of props with her.
Oh, and Tiny the Bear was lumbering by with a basket full of scones on top of his head.
"Thank you!" Pinkie said happily, accepting the treats and shooing the bear back into the kitchen. "Now then, what can I get you?"
"We all have a desire for cupcakes, Miss Pie," Celestia said simply.
"Okie Dokie!" Pinkie's arms stretched all the way to the counter, which would have been amazing except she was standing only a foot away from the counter (not everything she does has to defy physics, you know!). "There you go, a dozen cupcakes!"
"Thank you," Luna said, grabbing her cupcake and smashing it all over her neck and chest. "Oh noes! I’ma so clumsy!" she said in a dumb-dumb voice.
Tydal turned to stare at his sister, only for the moon goddess to use her magic to grab two cupcakes and slam them into his eyes. “By the tide, Luna!”
"oooooo!" Pinkie said darkly. "Someone broke a Pinkie Promise!"
“Talk about eye candy!” Cadence said, nibbling on her treat.
“Honey…no,” Shining said, shaking his head. “We’re not doing that.”
"We are such clumsy eaters!" Luna tittered, dragging a raging Tydal towards the door. "Come on, let's go clean up." Under her breath, she added, "And then we can go hunt some changelings."
“You better let me commit a lot of bloodshed for this!” he snarled.
They were 3 feet from the door before Mrs. Cake stopped them. “Where do you think you are going?” the baker asked, a smile on her lips and a promise of swift death glittering in her eyes. Even Tydal took a step back in horror at the murderous intent in the plump pony’s eyes (though he couldn’t be sure it was really there, what with the frosting dropping down his eyelids). “You haven’t paid your bill.”
“We need to clean up-“ Luna began gesturing towards the frosting that coated their bodies, only to be silenced.
“And I will happily point you towards the spa…but first…my money.” The way she said it had Luna instantly thinking of a Neigh Jersey bookie putting the screws to gambler who was 5 weeks overdue.
Tydal leaned towards the moon goddess, hissing, “Ponies have gotten a lot more forceful since I last came to Equestria.”
“A lot of things change in 1,500 years,” Luna said.
“But what remains the same is paying me,” Mrs. Cake said, butting into the conversation with a dark smile.
“Shining…I mean Wet Blanket…please pay the deranged baker so I can go wash this frosting off!” Luna commanded sweetly (though in her mind, a little Nightmare Moon was bludgeoning a mini Mrs. Cake with a croquet mallet… in fact, the more she thought about it, the more Luna considered using her magic to make a Whack-A-Cake game).
“Uh…how am I suppose to pay her, ‘Nightdancer’…I don’t have any bits.” Shining gestured towards his back to show her his lack of saddle bags.
“Say what now?” Luna exclaimed, eyes wide as she turned to stare at the captain of the guard. “What do you mean you don’t have any bits!?”
“When was I supposed to grab them, exactly? You four were dragging me out of the castle so quick I didn’t even have a chance to grab my rape whistle!”
“…little sister?” Luna asked weakly.
“Oh no, fresh out of bits…I am the irresponsible one, big sister,” Celestia said with a slight smile, nibbling on another cupcake they couldn’t pay for.
“Cadence?” Luna held up her hoof before Cadence could even speak. “Nope, never mind…I forgot who I was talking to.”
When Mrs. Cake glanced over at Cadence, the princess meekly looked at her hooves, shifting in her seat. “I have a gambling problem.”
Luna laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her head with her right hoof. “Ok…let’s see here… uh… we would gladly pay you Tuesday for a cupcake today?”
Mrs. Cake merely stared at them, backing Tydal and Luna towards the rest of their party, before reaching over and, with the pull of a lever, sent a large cage crashing down on top of them. The other patrons, who were use to such actions by the Cakes, simply continued eating their meals, not paying the slightest attention to the now trapped party of five.
“How did we not notice that?” Shining questioned, looking up at where the cage had been hanging.
“I noticed it but I thought it was a go-go cage,” Cadence said. “Can I still dance in it?” Cadence began to run her hooves through her hair, murmuring slightly.
“Maybe later,” Celestia said dryly.
“You can’t do this!” Luna shouted, shaking the bars in frustration. “Attica! Attica!”
“You were going to dine and dash!” Mrs. Cake snapped. “Now I must deal with you in the proper way.”
Cadence joined her aunt in rattling the bars of the cage. “Please, somepony help us! My ‘proper way’ and hers are sure to be different… unless hers also involves whips!” The other patrons, however, merely glanced away, not wanting to face the wrath of the gossipy baker when she was worked up into a lather.
“This was going so well!” Luna wailed. “And now we are doomed! DOOOOOOOOMED!”
“Why are you panicking?” Tydal asked dully, studying the bars intently.
“Why aren’t you?” Luna snapped.
“Because I am the only one of you that has ever been in a cell before,” Tydal commented, slowly moving along the length of the cage. “And you are failing to take into account two things, dear Luna.”
“And those are?”
Tydal rolled his eyes, leaning in to whisper to them, “Collectively, we control the sun, the moon, the stars, the sea, and love. We are gods, sisters, and I doubt one pudgy baker can kill us.”
“What about Killer Treats, the slayer of gods? She was a baker who used her mighty rolling pin to punish the gods,” Cadence asked him quietly, fear in her eyes as she remembered the legend of the god slayer.
Celestia shook her head. “Cadence, that was just a story I made up to keep you from stealing cookies!”
“And even then, I doubt anypony would honestly name their child Killer Treat,” the capricorn complained (forgetting that ponies, for the most part, loved to give their kids horrible names). “Second, are you 4 forgetting who we are? The mare has imprisoned the rulers of Equestria…all we need to do is take off these glasses and reveal ourselves! It will be fun; she will be glaring at us only to realize what she’s done, then fall to her belly and beg for mercy… which we won’t give… then the bloodshed shall begin…”
“We can’t do that,” Celestia said firmly.
“And why not?” Tydal asked.
“We wanted to get our cupcakes like normal ponies…we will act as such until we are back in Canterlot.”
The others stared at her, waiting for the punchline.
“Are…are you serious?” Shining Armor hissed. “We LITTERALLY have a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card and you don’t want to use it because of your honor?”
“Indeed. In fact I officially declare-“ the others moaned, knowing that ‘officially declaring’ something made it law, thus meaning they were screwed, “-that we cannot use our royal standing or our godly abilities to get out of this mess.”
“…Celestia, that is the dumbest thing you have ever done,” Tydal grunted.
“I agree,” Shining said, before a look of horror flashed across his face. “Oh no…Lord Tydal and I agree on something!”
The capricorn shared Shining’s terrified look. “I know, Shining…I’m scared too.” The stallion and the capricorn hugged each other close, trembling in fear.
“Ooooh, group hugs!” Cadence squealed, joining in on the huggy-action.
“Get a room you three,” Luna groused.
“We’d love to but your sister won’t let us escape,” Shining complained.
“Cadence, stop grinding into my hip like that!” Tydal shouted.
“Mmmmmmm,” Cadence moaned, eyes shut and tongue hanging out.
“We can escape easily, just not with our powers or titles,” Celestia said calmly.
Luna raised an eyebrow. “And how do we do that?”
Celestia leaned down and bit through a bar, chewing on it. “The cage is made of bread dough.” Celestia made a face as she moved the mouthful around. “Potato bread, if I am not mistaken.”
“Stop that!” Mrs. Cake screamed in horror as Celestia made a hole big enough for them all to get through. “Please, stop!” She began to cry as she saw the damage done to her cage. “Oh…this will cost me so much in repairs!”
“Why do you have a cage made of bread anyway?” Luna asked.
“It helps me catch people who don’t pay their bill! I need that money to pay for cages made of dough!”
Luna frowned, trying to do the math. “So…if you didn’t have the cage of dough…you wouldn’t need to worry about getting pony’s money if they didn’t have the bits…and if you didn’t need to collect the money you wouldn’t need a cage…” She shook her head, feeling as if she had gone 5 rounds with a manticore. “Ow…ow ow ow! I think my brain is trying to crawl its way out of my head!”
“Welcome to every minute of my life,” Shining stated, crawling out of the cage, Cadence still clinging to him (Tydal had managed to extract himself from the strange hug 3 minutes ago).
Celestia gently lowered her head to nuzzle the sobbing baker. “Mrs. Cake, it is clear you are in need of help.”
“I know the number to a good psychologist.” Luna blinked as she considered her words. “Ok, maybe not a good psychologist since he had failed to help me and I am pretty sure he is dead, since it was a 1000 years ago…”
“I meant financial help. Not only do we not have the bits for the cupcakes, I ate part of your bread cage.”
“A cage that is not needed!” Luna called out, though she was ignored.
“Thus, I, Pr….I mean Sunny Skies…proclaim that my family and I will help you.”
“And how will you do that?” Mrs. Cake asked.
~A Hour Later~
Luna glowered in annoyance. “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner,” she ground out from behind the register, wearing a chef’s hat and an apron. The name tag she wore happily proclaimed ‘Hi, my name is NIGHTDANCER’. “What can I get for you today?”
Theme to The God Squad Theme to The God Squad Lalalala!
(Theme to The God Squad) I used to think being a lead would be easy (Theme to The God Squad) So I said “Screw Twilight, this fic’s about me!”
Celestia
Wait a minute
Shining Armor
What the hay is this?
Tydal
Are we really singing?
Cadence
I think we are
Mary Sue the Red Maned, Black Coated Alicorn
I’m not even in this
Luna
I needed another singer! So just shut up and give this to me!
( ‘cus this is The God Squad!) I wrote this theme all by my very seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf!
"Ok everyone, I think we got it!" Vinyl Scratch said, taking off her headphones. "Princess Mary, thanks for coming in on such short notice. I know you are busy with you own story..."
"No problem!" the black alicorn said happily from the booth.
Luna trotted over and gave the other alicorn a big hug. "Thank you so much for helping us out."
"Again, no problem. Sometimes it is nice to get away from all the drama and do something fun!"
Shining walked over and shook hooves with the red maned mare. "You know, I finally got around to reading your story... even I wanted to punch Twilight in the face for how she treated you."
Celestia shook her head. "I do wish you'd appear in more happy stories. I hate seeing you in pain."
"It isn't real," Mary Sue reminded them. "I am the goddess of fan fics, so I just make it look sad. Me and the girls are really good friends behind the scenes."
"Well, we still worry!" Cadence said, Shining Armor's restraining hoof the only thing keeping her from glomping the black alicorn like she was a dalek (trust me, that makes sense). "It's our job, what with you being the baby of the family."
"Indeed," Tydal said solemnly. "Which is why I plan to beat up some ponies this chapter till they say they are sorry."
"Uh... you don't have to..." Mary said nervously.
"Too late, I'm committed. Roll the title card."
The God Squad Episode 4: Return of the King
Luna groaned as she sat next to the register, tapping her hoof against the countertop, her disguise glasses hanging on the tip of her snout. It would be another three hours before rush hour, when all the ponies coming home from work would hurry in to grab a quick bite or to pick up some treats for their families (how the citizens of this hamlet managed to not weigh 500 pounds when all they ate was candy and apples was a mystery for scientists of the future to solve). While some might have enjoyed the fact that they weren’t dealing with a mob screaming for snacks, Luna wished that she had a line of antsy ponies demanding service; it would have been so much better than dealing with the utter BOREDOM she was currently suffering from.
It had been nearly a week since Celestia had gotten it into her head that the five of them would work for free at Sugarcube Corner to pay off their debt. Every other pony had found something fun to do, but Luna had been left running the cash register since, according to Mrs. Cake, it was the only thing she was good at.
“Sunny Skies…” Luna ground out in annoyance, watching as her ‘little sister’ and Cadence (aka Hot Lovin) were making small talk with one of the regulars.
“Yes Nightdancer?” Celestia said pleasantly.
“Can you cover the register so I can take a smoke break?”
“You don’t smoke.”
“…can you cover the register so I can go learn to smoke?”
Cadence frowned, trotting over to join the two at the counter. “Why would you want to learn to smoke?”
“In the hopes it would kill me faster,” Luna groused, tapping her hoof against the countertop. She wished Tydal was there to share in the misery but he had been tasked by Mr. Cake to find a way to increase traffic to the store and he’d been out all day…
~MC~MC~MC~
“WHY AREN’T YOU EATTING AT SUGARCUBE!?!” Tydal roared at the cowering stallion, the broken remains of the pony’s dining room chair clutched in the capricorn’s hooves (how he clutched it even he wasn’t sure).
“Please… please don’t hurt us!” the stallion’s wife cried, hugging her children close, the colts sobbing at the sight of the giant capricorn beating their father with a chair (and yet if it were in a wrestling ring they would have been cheering and holding ‘Tydal 3:16’ signs).
“I won’t hurt you if you eat at Sugarcube!” Tydal shouted, waving the chair at the sobbing mare.
“But… but how am I suppose to eat there if you keep beating me?” the whimpering stallion asked.
“I’ll stop beating you when you eat at Sugarcube!”
“But I can’t when you are beating me!”
“Then I guess we are at an impasse!” Tydal shouted, diving down to deliver another assault. "AND GO TO MARY SUE'S NEXT BIRTHDAY PARTY!"
"Wha... what?"
"YOU HEARD ME!" Tydal roared, bringing the chair down on the stallion's head.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Thank you, please come again,” Luna said dryly, handing the customer their receipt before slamming her head against the counter with a thud. “Can I be banished to the moon again? Please? At least there I could talk to the moon rocks and convince aliens to abduct earth ponies and probe them.”
“I don’t know why you are so upset, Nightdancer,” Cadence said happily as she trotted up to the counter and put a bunch of bits into the TIP Jar. “I for one have found this quite fun.”
“That because you actually get off on the stallions smacking your rump when you bend over to pick up their dropped forks.”
“Sometimes I drop them on purpose,” Cadence informed her sweetly.
“Cadence, what did the doctors say?” Celestia called out.
The pink alicorn sighed. “That I have to stop using sex as a coping mechanism to deal with my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” She turned to look at the sun goddess (who was pouring another cup of coffee for Thunderlane) and stuck out her lower lip in a pout. “But it isn’t sex… just sexual harassment! And it is making us a ton of tips!”
“How does your husband feel about you whoring yourself out to get us out of here?” Luna asked, rubbing her forehead against the counter (‘Oh countertop, you are my only friend’).
“He’s too busy with Tiny.”
“You have to be careful with the honey, Wet Blanket!” Pinkie called out from the kitchen. “Uh oh…”
“HELP!” Shining Armor screamed in a panic. The three alicorns turned as he burst into the dining room, his mane a mess and bear drool dripping from his horn.
“There goes my beastiality fantasies…” Cadence complained.
“He tried to eat me!” Shining cried out in terror.
“That’s what she said,” nearly every patron in Sugarcube called out.
“…is that a reference to something?” Luna asked.
“Everything is a reference, I think,” Celestia commented, grabbing a lemon square and taking it to table four. “Sh… I mean, ‘Wet Blanket’, please calm yourself. We are only a few days away from paying off our debt and then we can head back to Canterlot.”
“Assuming some silly twist doesn’t suddenly pop up and ruin things for us,” Luna snarked.
“Hey, I just came in here for a donut, you don’t have to be mean!” Twist said.
“Why would you assume that some…twist… would suddenly appear?” Celestia asked.
“History tends to repeat itself and life enjoys biting me on the flank.”
“Kinda like Tiny!” Pinkie said as she emerged from the kitchen with a pan full of steaming muffins. “You ponies aren’t leaving before the big event tonight, are you?”
“What big event?” Shining asked, accepting the towel Cadence handed him (wait… is it handed? Hoofed over to him? Where’s my English to Pony Dictionary…) and wiping off the trail of bear spit that was running down his face.
“HE has returned!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Who? Starswirl the Bearded?” Celestia asked.
“Discord?” Luna questioned fearfully.
“Elvis?” Cadence offered.
“BETTER!” Pinkie exclaimed. “The King is coming.”
“So Elvis is coming?” Cadence asked.
Pinkie shook her head. “No no no no no no no.” She took a breath. “No no no no….no. I mean the real king.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Just who is this ‘real king’. Last I heard Equestria was ruled by the princesses.”
“Yeah, but that must mean there is a king out there,” Mr. Cake said, trotting over to them, a bit of flour on his cheek (which was weird because he had been upstairs working on the finances). “I mean, why else would they be called princesses? If they were the sole rulers than they would be called queens, right?”
Luna shifted uneasily. “Well… maybe they… the thing is…”
“And while we are on that, why do we even have princesses?” Mr. Cake scratched his chin, getting a glob of fudge on it (seriously, what was he doing in that home office of his?).
“To raise the sun, of course,” Celestia stated, a tray of used cocoa mugs hovering beside her as she took it towards the kitchen. “Oh, and the moon too.”
“Yes, the moon,” Luna said with a dark glare.
“And that means we should give them full command of our lands?” Mr. Cake asked in utter confusion. “I mean… yeah, it’s impressive but is the ability to move a big ball through the sky really the determiner for being able to rule properly?”
“Are you suggesting that we don’t need the princesses?” Luna asked dangerously, her eyes narrowed and a sneer on her face.
“Well… we don’t really use them right now. I mean in Ponyville we have a mayor and a court system…”
“Well, yes…” Celestia said weakly. “But the Princesses do important things-“
“Like what? I mean, I’ve never heard of them actually passing a zoning ordinance or creating legislation to give hippos the right to vote. Usually all Princess Celestia does is hang out with that little unicorn that likes to smash her head into tables.”
Luna chuckled. “You are so nailing Princess Celestia.”
“And Luna… she was a criminal and they let her back in power? That doesn’t make sense, does it?”
The moon goddess’ horn flared and she shot a hole into the ceiling. Pumpkin and Pound looked down, blinking, before letting out sobs of protest. “Oh noes, you’re babies are upset, you should go comfort them!”
“Nice save,” Celestia said as Mr. Cake went dashing upstairs.
“Thank you. So, you want to check out the ‘king’?”
Celestia nodded. “Yes. I am very interested to see who this so called ‘lost king’ really is.”
Shining frowned. “Uh… we don’t clock out for another 2 hours…”
Luna, Celestia and Cadence looked at each other. “Cover for us,” the alicorns said, tossing their aprons to the stallion.
“Me too!” Pinkie giggled, throwing Shining her apron as well.
“Rawr!” Tiny bellowed, flinging his giant apron onto the startled captain and following the rest out the door.
~MC~MC~MC~
“I hear the king is as handsome as they come!” a pony called out as the thinly-disguised alicorns made their way through the crowd that had gathered in the center of town.
“I hear he was off fighting a dragon that could eat the whole world!”
“I still like yelling thing!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “These ponies are sheep, following whatever they hear with blindness and stupidity.” Luna looked down. “No offense.”
A ewe snorted. “Racist.”
“I do not believe this supposed king to be a true threat, Luna. In my many years I have met quite a few unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies that tried to pass themselves off as a ruler. King Trotter the Black, The Lord of Shadows, that carpenter from B-“
“Careful, we’ll get angry letters!” Pinkie exclaimed, happily riding on Tiny’s back as they made their way through the crowd. “Angry letters are bad… like that time I made fun of Cleavedland and said it was the most depressing city ever!”
~Meanwhile, in Cleavedland…~
Dear Pinkie Pie,
How dare you insult Cleavedland! We are the nationwide leader in obesity, condemned buildings, low SAT scores and death by getting a hoof stuck in your mouth because there was pudding on it. So lick my (censored), you (censored censored censored)!
-Pugly Fathead, Equestria’s Fattest, Dumbest Stallion and the Mayor of Cleavedland
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia sighed. “The point is that every time one of these delusional ponies has appeared the public has risen up and not allowed them a single hoof-hold. So there is no reason to do anything rash.”
Tydal, covered in blood, chose that moment to join them. “I hear we have a usurper… I call dibs on the first beating.”
“No, Tydal,” Celestia said calmly. “We will behave rationally and maturely, like the divine beings we are.”
“I heard the king thinks Princess Celestia is nothing more than a pegasus with a fake horn and a huge flank!”
Luna smirked as she watched her sister try and resist retribution (namely in the form of intensifying the heat of the sun till every pony died of skin cancer). “Remember… maturity,” the moon goddess sang.
Celestia opened her mouth to complain, only to clamp it shut when, in a burst of blue smoke, the ‘king’ appeared before them. Had they seen him from a distance it would have been easy for the 4 gods to believe him to be Luna’s long lost son; his coat was a dark blue and his mane a purplish cobalt with a great streak of electric sapphire running through his tail and coloring half of his bangs. His cutie mark, from what little could be seen of it, was a crescent moon hidden behind a dark cloud.
And yet, looking at him, it was clear that the stallion was trying too hard to play the part of immortal alicorn. There were patches of his coat where the dye that had been used to darken it had failed in its task, leaving it splotchy. A seam could be seen on his horn, revealing that much of its might could be attributed to a horn extender being placed over the real deal (despite what the infomercials would have you believe, there was simply no way to lengthen your horn with a topical cream). The vest and cloak the ‘king’ wore were designed to make it look as if he had wings, though anypony who stared hard enough could see that it was nothing more than cloth.
“This is just sad,” Luna commented.
“I told you so,” Celestia stated.
“My good ponies!” the stallion called out. “I am King Fakeo Lulamoon, god of the night sky! I have returned after 2,000 years to reclaim my throne.”
Utter silence filled all of Ponyville. Even Black %^$&*%#~ (son of the only pony to have tourettes in all of Equestria) didn’t make a peep.
“Long live the king!” Bon Bon called out.
The crowd burst into applause and cheers, chanting Fakeo’s name.
“Permission to begin the genocide?” Tydal asked. “Rare that I get to kill a blasphemer AND a usurper in the same day. I think I pulled something in my shoulder beating those ponies up who made Mary Sue cry but I could just go with an old fashion tail whipping…” Tydal glanced over at a certain group of 6 mares. “Think I’ll warm up on Shining’s sister and friends-“
“De….de….denied!” Shining Armor panted, having finally fought his way to them (it was made tougher with all the aprons he was wearing).
“Enough!” Luna called out.
“What are you doing?” Cadence whispered.
“Putting a stop to this stupidity,” Luna snapped, moving to stand next to King Fakeo. “Good citizens of Ponyville-“
“WHOOOA!”
“That’s where I’m from!”
“Yelling things!”
“…hear me! This stallion is a fraud and a fake! He is no king; he merely means to deceive you!” Luna declared.
The crowd murmured to themselves, the ramble growing louder as they debated her words.
“Stop, let the hot nerd speak!” Lyra called out, holding out her hooves.
“Uh… thanks,” Luna muttered, adjusting her fake glasses. “What he tells you is lies! He wishes to lead you away from your beloved princesses!”
“How can you be so sure?” Fakeo asked, striking a dramatic pose. “Do I not look the part?”
“You have no wings, merely a cloth cape,” Luna stated.
Fakeo shrugged. “Back in my day all alicorns had cloth wings that looked like capes.”
“Your horn is fake!” Cadence called out.
“… it is the traditional headgear of a king!”
“Your name is Fake-o,” Shining pointed out. “The word Fake is built into your name. Am I the only pony that noticed that?”
“My father was named Fakeo and his father before him!” Fakeo turned towards Luna, jabbing his hoof at her. “Who are you to say that I am not who I claim to be?”
Luna puffed out her chest. “I happen to be-“
“A-hem!” Celestia coughed, giving her sister an icy look.
“-Nightdancer,” Luna ground out in annoyance, cursing her sister’s decree.
“Well, Nightdancer, I say we put this to a vote.” Fakeo turned to the crowd. “Who here thinks I am the true king?” Most of the crowd raised their hooves, calling out “Fakeo! Fakeo!”
Tydal cleared his throat. “Who here agrees with the Nightdancer AND doesn’t want me to come back and see if they ate at Sugarcube Corner?”
Half the ponies changed their votes, crying out “Hot Nerd! Hot Nerd!”
“We have a tie,” Luna said. “Wait… a tie? What the hay are we suppose to do if we have a tie?”
“Heck if I know,” Fakeo admitted.
“Why is hay now a swear word?” Tydal questioned, earning shrugs from Cadence and Shining.
“I know how to settle this,” Celestia proclaimed. “You two shall engage in the most tedious and boring forms of combat…” the solar princess smirked, “…political debate.”
Prince Blueblood's smile was so large that one would have thought that he was a clown character from famous comic book about a bat-themed hero that can't be referenced due to copyright laws (friggin' lawyers). Of course it wasn't that big of a surprise that he was happy; after all, through strength, will and determination (and blind luck) he had become the leader of Equestria. He was Prince Tickletummy Blueblood (Tickletummy of course being an ancient name that dated back 600 years, all the way to Commander Tickletummy, who defeated the great hyrda of Froggy Bottom Bog by kicking it in the testicles), ruler of Equestria.
And now he found himself in his Aunt Celestia's bedroom, ready to take his crown and royal gear.
Blueblood held his breath as he carefully placed Celestia's tiara upon his head, followed by her necklace/breastplate and her golden shoes. They might have been a touch too big but Blueblood didn't care... they were HIS now (the fact that they were clearly designed for a woman didn’t bother him, which answered so much and yet so little).
Using his magic, he turned on a record player, his family's anthem starting up as he trotted over to a mirror, looking himself over.
"Ugh, my lips are so chaffed!" Another burst from his horn brought a tube of lip balm over, which he applied to his cracked lips. "There we go!" He grinned at his reflecting, pouting his now moistened lips. "Would you buck me? I'd buck me... I'd buck me hard..." Blueblood moved away from the mirror, swaying to the music.
"Prince Blueblood, I brought clean sheets and-HOLY BLACK ON A POPO!"
Blueblood let out a girlish scream, covering himself as he stumbled away from the horrified chamber maid. "This is my private time! Private time!"
The God Squad Episode 5: The Thrilla in Ponyvilla
“Tydal, no offense but I don’t think Luna is allowed to cut off Fakeo’s leg and beat him to death with it.”
The capricorn rolled his eyes. “Well Shining, clearly you’ve never been in a debate before!”
Shining shook his head in annoyance. “Lord Tydal, please! Luna needs to focus.”
The moon goddess took a deep breath. They were back stage in the Ponyville’s townhall, trying to get Luna prepped for the debate. They could hear the crowd waiting for Luna and ‘King’ Fakeo to come out and battle each other in the most boring way possible. The lunar princess rolled her shoulders, working the kinks out. “So… how many lifelines do I get?”
“Uh… none,” Shining stated.
“I can’t even poll the audience or ask a friend?” Luna’s eyes nearly tripled in size (which was spooky because her eyes were already 40% of her head’s mass). “My whole strategy was based around using lifelines!”
“Aunt Luna, it will be ok,” Cadence said. “Just remember to shake hooves with any foals you meet and kiss any businessmen that walk up to you.”
“I’m pretty sure you have those two mixed up.”
Shining shook his head. “Trust me, she doesn’t.”
“You will do fine, little sister,” Celestia stated. “I have faith in you.”
“Thank you, Celestia.”
“Just remember, the only thing you are risking is your pride and self dignity and we already know you don’t have much of either…”
Luna grimaced. “Right. Well… here we go.”
“Break his leg!” Tydal called out. “Then shove it up his ass!”
“Or you could shove other things up his ass!” Cadence said with a smirk as Luna trotted towards the stage. “Like a carrot or a book or a lamp or a dog bone or-“
~MC~MC~MC~
“Uh… excuse me… please…”
The crowd continued to murmur to themselves.
“Please… quiet please…”
The dull roar of the gathered ponies just kept echoing through the town hall.
“Uh… Rainbow Dash could you…?”
“Yeah, I got it. HEY SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLES OR I WILL SHUT THEM FOR YOU!”
Silence.
“Thank you Rainbow Dash,” the buttercream-colored mare said softly, shuffling the papers in front of her. “Hello, I’m Fluttershy and this is Rainbow Dash; we’re your moderators for this debate.”
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash said, banging her hoof against her chest. “We are going to totally be asking all the tough questions and determine once and for all who is right: the king we’ve never heard of or the mysterious pony we’ve never heard of!”
“But they are both very nice, I’m sure, so it would be great if we could say they both won…”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. Alright, so let’s get started with this thing! First, we have a baker from Sugarcube Corner, representing the Princesses: Nightdancer!”
Luna stepped onto the stage, using her magic to adjust her glasses and making sure her nametag was straight. She waved to the crowd, a good number of them clapping and cheering her name (though that might have been in part because Tydal was shooting glares at them and drawing his hoof along his throat while mouthing ‘will kill you’).
Fluttershy shifted in her seat, hating the fact that she was in the spotlight. When they had asked her to moderate the debate, she had said yes before finding out what it was (she though debate was a type of knitting). “And, uh, the pony she will be debating is the King of the Night Sky, Fakeo Lulamoon.”
Fireworks burst out from the stage and Fakeo emerged from the shower of sparks, flashing a grin and waving to the crowd as he made his way towards his podium. The stallion’s hair was perfectly groomed, filled with so much gel to make it appear like it was flowing from his scalp much like Celestia, Luna, and Tydal’s did.
Fluttershy cleared her throat. "The first question is for Nightdancer: Unemployment is at 3.5% and some experts think it could go higher in the next three years. Speaking for the princesses, what have they done to ensure these numbers don't go up?" The pegasus shifted in her seat. "Uh... you don't have to answer if you don't want to but it would be nice if you... did."
Luna smiled and leaned in close to her microphone. "I'd like to buy a vowel."
The sound of Tydal, Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor's hooves striking their foreheads echoed through the townhall.
"Uh... what I meant to say was that the government has been using money to create or 'buy' vocations to help stem unemployment and offer workers good, steady work."
"King Fakeo?"
Fakeo beamed. "Thank you Fluttershy. That was an excellent question and I am happy you asked it. You know, it reminds me of a story about a single mother I met on my way here-"
Celestia groaned. "I hate it when they do this."
"You know, you could just send a solar flare down and kill him," Tydal stated.
"No."
"Come on... you could make it look like an accident..."
"No," Celestia said, turning back to focus on Fakeo's speech.
"-so I says to Mabel, I says-"
"JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Rainbow Dash roared in frustration.
Fakeo coughed, tugging on his collar with a quick burst of magic. "Right... well I think how the princesses have handled unemployment is disgusting!" The crowd murmured in agreement. "They have not worked hard enough to correct course!" The cries of approval grew louder. "I swear that if you make me your king I will raise unemployment!" The crowd burst into applause.
Then they comprehended what Fakeo was saying.
"Wait, what?" Luna exclaimed. "Don't you mean lower?"
"No, I do not! I swear to you, good ponies of Ponyville, we will reach 100% unemployment!"
Even the crickets that were in attendance were shocked silent.
"You... you want unemployment to be high?" Fluttershy asked.
Fakeo nodded his head. "But of course! You see, I am part of the ancient religion order known as the masochists! We believe that life must be about pain and suffering! While the princesses have done well to rule with an iron fist I swear to rule even harder!"
"...rebuttal?" Fluttershy said.
"I'm good," Luna replied, leaning back with a smug look on her face.
Rainbow Dash blinked. "Uh... alright then... the next question is: if you saw a small foal with a piece of candy, would you take it from them and eat it?"
"Of course not!" Luna exclaimed.
"Is the candy tasty?" Fakeo asked.
Rainbow Dash looked at her notes. "Sure, yeah, let's say it is."
"Then I would steal it but I would not consume it, that way the child would learn that life is cruel and you cannot find happiness in food."
"...the King is right! Candy is bad!" Carrot Top proclaimed.
"Death to all candy!" Sparkler screamed.
"When I am king all tasty candy will be made illegal!" Fakeo proclaimed.
Pinkie Pie promptly fainted.
"Celestia... was there an accident a hundred years ago that rendered all your little ponies utter morons?"
The solar princess let out a sigh. "No, Tydal."
"Are you sure?"
"Very sure."
Shining looked around as the crowd began to call for a lynching of all wedding cakes. "I don't know, I think Lord Tydal may be on to something..."
"Hey, quiet down!" Rainbow Dash called out, trying to regain order. "I said quiet down! Quiet!"
Fluttershy trembled. "Uh... please... please quiet down or... um... I'll be forced to skin you all alive and use your flesh as wallpaper."
The room went deadly silent.
"Where did that come from?!?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"Where did what come from?" Fluttershy said, having already blocked any memory of threatening genocide. "Now then, the next question is: how do you feel about the handling of relations with the griffin empire?"
Luna puffed out her chest. "I think the princesses have done a fine job of establishing trade routes and peace accords with-"
Fakeo rolled his eyes. "Ha! Leave it to a woman to refuse to fight!"
"Whoa!" Luna exclaimed. "What the hay?"
"What? I'm not just a masochist but also a chauvinist and a racist and on the weekends I'm a dentist." Fakeo turned away from Luna, giving her a dismissive sniff. "Nightdancer, much like the princesses, is afraid of doing what must be done! When I am king I promise to take all the stallions in this country on a fruitless death march against the griffins that is so bloody they will write songs about it... and the songs will always be sung offkey!"
"You think you are the only one that can be cruel and inflict pain? Princess Luna was Nightmare Moon and I bet if she were here she would proclaim that she'd do a death march with not just stallions but mares and foals too!"
"I'd have the children lead the attack, and when they fell the stallions and mares would trample their broken bodies!"
Luna laughed. "Nightmare Moon would shoot the men and make the women carry the dead bodies on the march!"
"Why have a march when we could just shoot them in Equestria!"
"Why not just blow up Equestria! I bet Princess Luna could crash the moon into the planet and end us all!"
"She doesn't have the guts!" Fakeo shouted.
"You wanna bet?" Luna snarled, her horn beginning to glow.
"Uh, Princess..." Shining said nervously as he looked out the window and noticed the moon looked A LOT bigger. "You might want to do something about this!"
Cadence looked about in fright. "Well, if I'm going out I'm going happy!" The love goddess grabbed Pinkie (who had just begun to woke up) and planted a big fat kiss right on her. "Hey everypony, let's have an orgy before the world ends!"
"I brought the booze!" Bon Bon called out as ponies begun to mount each other.
Tydal watched all of this and sighed. "Celestia, do you want me to handle this or should you?"
"By all means, Tydal, the honor is all yours."
The capricorn nodded, clearing his throat. "Nightdancer, if you destroy the world you'll also destroy moon pies!"
The lunar princess gasped and within second pushed the moon back into normal orbit.
"Works every time," Tydal stated smugly. "Why didn't you try that when she went all Nightmare Moon on you?"
Celestia frowned. "Please stop pointing out my plot holes." She pushed her way through the now blushing crowd (save for Cadence, who was still trying to talk Shining into a threeway between her, him and Pinkie Pie) and stepped onto the stage. "Sister, please watch and learn." The solar goddess cleared her throat. "My good ponies, I think we can all agree that Fakeo won the debate."
"I did?" Fakeo said.
"He did?" Luna echoed.
"Indeed. Fakeo is truly the best debater." Celestia walked over and lifted Luna's hoof up. "I give you your debate champion: Fakeo!"
The crowd stared at Celestia like she had lost it.
"But... but that is Nightdancer! Fakeo is over that!" Patch Work called out.
Celestia smirked. "Ah, but that is what the evil Nightdancer would want you to believe! Who would suspect her to look like herself when she could look like her enemy?"
"...that... kinda makes sense," Rainbow Dash said.
"Of course it makes sense!" Celestia said happily. "Do you honestly think Fakeo would come to a debate looking like Fakeo? He'd come looking like Nightdancer knowing that his opponent would do the same thing!"
Fakeo stepped forward, annoyed by all the double talk. "Now see-"
Celestia used her magic to clamp his mouth shut. "Quiet, the big kids are talking." She turned to Luna and smiled. "Fakeo brilliantly debated Nightdancer, by which I mean Fakeo as Nightdancer debated Nightdancer as Fakeo. So the winner is clearly the pony here because she is really a he pretending to be a she who is really not a he but a she, you see?"
Everypony just stared before shrugging their shoulders and accepting whatever Celestia said as truth. The solar princess leaned towards her sister and whispered, "And that, dear little sister, is why I am the ruler of Equestria."
Luna nodded before turning to the Cakes. "Mr. and Mrs. Cake, I have decided to take all of your extra workers but Nightdancer with me. He/she will work to pay off all their debt. Isn't that right?" Luna reached over and forced the muted Fakeo to nod.
"Works for us!" Mrs. Cake said. "Tomorrow my Granny Fruit Cake is coming to visit and needs somepony to give her a sponge bath!"
Fakeo began to silently cry as the Cakes grabbed him and led him away.
"And that, my dear big sister, is why I am like a boss."
Tydal, Shining, and a panting Cadence walked up to them. "Very nice, very good, but might I suggest we move hooves before they figure out we pulled a fast one on them."
"Agreed," Celestia said, turning tail and rushing out of the town hall, the rest of her family fast on her heels.
"Uh... is the debate over?" Fluttershy asked.
"I guess so," Rainbow stated.
Pinkie walked up to them, hearts in her eyes. "I think I'm in love..."
“So… are we going to have a cold open with Blueblood again?” Tydal asked as the group trotted along the country lane.
“Nah,” Luna said, taking a moment to pluck a flower that was growing along the side of the road. She nibbled on it as they continued along their way. “We need to try and not do the same cold open scene twice in a row.”
“What about that thing with Fluttershy?” Shining offered.
“Maybe next time,” Luna stated.
Cadence bounced along beside her aunts. “We could do my idea!”
Luna scowled. “We are not doing a cold opening about us having an orgy that turns us into strange two-legged creatures with hands.” Cadence pouted at that, though she did continue to hop about. “Besides, I already came up with the perfect cold opening.”
Celestia pursed her lips. “This is the cold opening, isn’t it? Us being meta and talking about the cold opening.”
Luna nodded her head happily and the others groaned in annoyance.
“What?” The lunar goddess asked.
“Why do we have to be meta? It’s annoying and 90% of the fans don’t even get it!” Shining complained. “Do you want our ratings to go into the toilet?”
Luna shook her head. “I am the star of this story and I say we do a meta cold opening.” The night goddess cleared her throat. “Ahem… I want a TVtropes page!” Luna stomped her hoof as she began to whine. “It’s not fair! Every other story gets a TVtropes page! My daughter got one for asking about Scootaloo and now I WANT ONE! I WANT IT NOW!”
Tydal rolled his eyes. “I’m going bash my brains in. Anything is better than being in this opening.”
“Wait for us!” Cadence called out, Celestia and Shining joining her in chasing after Tydal.
Luna scoffed. “They just don’t know a good opening when they hear it. Isn’t that right guys?” Luna turned to a pair of stallions that had suddenly appeared on the road.
“Yeah, I always like meta because it’s cool…”
“Cool… cool cool cool,” the other stallion said.
“Troy and Abed as little ponies!” the two sang.
The God Squad Episode 6: Who Ya Gonna Call?
It was the day before Nightmare Night and moving across the land was a group of deities whose conversation was bland…
“So, explain to me about the Everfree again,” Cadence said, looking about the dark forest. “I mean, why do we even have a spooky haunted forest?”
Tydal shrugged, the rocking of the blue and green wagon they rode in making him sway back and forth. “Well, from what I remember… our Mother decided that she wanted Equestria to have, and I quote, ‘every stereotypical environment possible’. She’d just gotten done make the ice castles when she decided on adding a spooky forest.”
Luna looked around in utter glee. “Plus, when Celestia and I lived here we were really into haunted hay rides.”
Celestia nodded, using her magic to lift up a jug of apple cider. “Would anypony care for a refill?”
“I would… and some more donuts too!” Cadence said happily, holding out her cup while Tydal leaned down to chow down on some pumpkin glazed donuts. “Shining, would you like some?”
Shining Armor grunted. “No… I’d rather have somepony take over pulling this cart!” The captain strained against the yok, the green and blue wagon slowly moving down the forest path with every step he took. “Why do I have to pull this stupid thing?”
“Are you honestly suggesting your princesses should pull?” Tydal asked.
“Oh… of course not!” Shining said quickly.
“Good,” Tydal stated, before grabbing a whip and cracking it just above Shining’s head. “Now hurry up!”
“Gah!” the captain cried out. “I don’t think the whip is necessary!”
“Go faster and it won’t be!” Tydal called out.
“Can I borrow that when you are done?” Cadence asked sweetly.
Shining panted, muscles straining as he pulled the goddesses and the sea god deeper into the forest. “Why are we out here again?”
“Our niece sent a message that she needed to see us and since we were in the neighborhood I decided we could go see her,” Celestia stated, taking a sip of cider.
“And the wagon?” Shining called back to them.
“As we said… we like haunted hayrides!” Luna giggled. “Hmmm… maybe we should hang some plastic skeletons in the branches… that would make this creepier!”
“Plastic,” Tydal grumbled in annoyance. “I prefer something else...”
“Which would be?” Cadence asked.
“Oh… something a bit more realistic…”
~2 Weeks Earlier, At Tydal's Keep....~
"-the cake will end up craz-y!" Princess Coral, eldest of Lord Tydal's twin daughters, sang as she skipped about the Keep. Coral was an unusual capricorn: while her sister also had a pink fish tail (which in of itself was unusual since most capricorns had blue, yellow, or brown tails), Coral chose to have her fuchsia-colored mane as poofy as could be. She was always beamed and happily dancing about the Keep, singing silly songs and glomping anyone and anything. Of course, it was hard to stop her for two reasons, the first being that she was only a foot shorter than her father and thus towered over her subjects.
Coral was about ready to break into the next verse of the song when she noticed a strange door that she had never seen before; it was decorated with the image of a grinning jack-o-lantern.
"Oooh.... spooky!" Coral giggled, happily knocking on the door. "Heelllooooooooooo!" she called out.
She had barely managed to stick her head through the doorway when a skinny figure leapt out. His head was pure white and as smooth as a beach stone while his eyes and mouth were black. He wore a black jacket and his long, bony limbs seemed to stretch on forever.
"What's this... what's this?" the skeletal man sang.
"What's what?" Coral asked.
The tall figure blinked before bowing. "Ah, hello there. My name is Jake Skullington."
"Did you say Jack Ske-"
"No!" the creature said sternly. "I am an unlicensed character and thus not owned by the Disney Company... much like Sherry Bobbins."
"Oh... ok!" Coral said, wagging her fishy tail. "I'ma gonna chop you up now, Mr. Demon Bones."
"Choppy me-AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Jake screamed as Coral twisted her body and cut his right arm clear off his body. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
Reason Number 2 that the other capricorns had trouble stopping Princess Coral: despite her sunny disposition she was just as deadly as her father. Before the capricorns had fallen into their stone sleep a 1500 years ago the world had trembled when they saw Tydal coming... and fell to their knees sobbing when Coral skipped their way. Princess Coral was co-commander (with her sister) of the entire capricorn army.
"Weeee!" Coral giggled, horns glowing as she grabbed the skeletal arm and began to beat Jake over the head with it. "Die Mr. Demon Bones! Die!"
"Help! Help!" Jake cried out.
~MC~MC~MC~
Meanwhile, back at the plot...
"Here... we are," Shining panted, falling to the ground in a heap. Before them stood an old shack, made up of old timbers harvested from the Everfree (and a few bricks from Hut Depot). "Happy?"
"Much!" Cadence said, leaping down and giving him a peck on the cheek. "Thank you Shining!"
"You're welcome," Shining said happily, glad his wife at least cared for his suffer.
"Yes, thank you Shining," Luna said, giving him a kiss on the cheek too.
"I'm not kissing you," Tydal said as Celestia did the same. "To honor you I will refrain from defecating upon you."
Cadence grinned, "I tried that with my Shiny but-"
Thankfully for the group (and the readers), the door to the house opened. "I thought I heard a rather loud thump, and now I find a unicorn sitting on his rump."
"Hello Zecora," Celestia said politely.
"To each of you I say these happy words-"
"Can we just cut the rhyming?" Tydal asked. "We're family after all."
The zebra huffed in annoyance but still managed to grace the capricorn with a smile. "Always to the point, aren't you uncle?"
"Leaves more time for drinking and fighting," the sea god proclaimed, giving Zecora a hug. "How is your mother? She was always my favorite big sister."
"She's your only big sister," Celestia reminded him. “You’re the 4th oldest in the family.”
"Meh."
Zecora chuckled. "Mother is still demanding you pay her those 17 bits you owe her."
The capricorn shook his head. "She is mistaken... she owes ME 6 bits." He leaned over towards Cadence. "Never loan money out to an earth goddess. They spend it all on hay seed and apple butter."
Luna was paying less attention to the conversation and more on the condition of Zecora's house. "Celestia, we really need to spring for some repairs to the Zebrica Embassy."
Celestia nodded. "Indeed, but at least it is better than the Minos Embassy."
"What's wrong with it?" Shining Armor asked, unhitching himself from the wagon. "Roof caving in? Rat infestation?"
"You have to jiggle the handle on the toilet," Celestia stated.
"How can anypony survive those conditions!" Luna exclaimed in shock.
Zecora led the group inside her home/embassy and offered them each a steam bowl of whatever the heck she was brewing that day (it looked like Mountain Dew yet tasted like Pepsi... truly a magical broth). "I have called you here with some dread, to deal with a problem that has no head."
"I thought we agreed you wouldn't rhyme?" Tydal stated. "Don't make me ask a second time."
“Wait, didn’t you just-“
“No.”
Zecora blushed. "Sorry... just use to ponies coming here and asking my advice. Somehow it all sounds more dramatic when I say it in verse."
"Maybe you should try giving out your wisdom behind a fence," Luna offered. "You could go, 'Hidey ho, Applejack!' and then dole out some knowledge. Maybe wearing a fishing hat."
The zebra shaman/princess nodded her head. "I will consider that."
Celestia's brow furrowed. "Zecora, according to my faithful student Twilight you were the story teller for last year’s Nightmare Night. Why aren't you this year?"
"Ah... well, there was some... unpleasantness..."
~A Week Earlier~
Mayor Mare smiled, shaking Zecora's hoof. They were standing in the library, going over the notes for Nightmare Night. Twilight had been elected to help plan the event (mainly because everypony assumed she was Princess Luna's daughter and thus the best for the job) and one of her first tasks had been to get Zecora on board. "The children loved your stories last year and I am thrilled you can help us out again!"
Twilight Sparkle nodded. "Yeah! Even with Princess Luna appearing you were the talk of the town last year!"
"More importantly, you managed to keep the tales family friendly. We want to have Nightmare Night be about the kids. I will admit I was skeptical last year having you participate but I am happy to admit I was wrong-"
"Twilight!" Rarity called out from outside the library. "I finally settled on my costume!" The fashionista burst into the library's main room, her purple mane sticking straight up, cheap costume jewelry on her legs and black stripes painted on her coat. "I'm Zecora!" Rarity said with glee. "I saw a cat... he wore a hat... there he sat... like a mat!"
Zecora's right eye twitched. "Last year I dressed as a spooky witch... and today I'm going to waste this BITCH!"
Rarity narrowed her eyes. Instead of being horrified that she had mocked the zebra the fashionista was enraged that she had been called out. "Oh, you want to throw down?" she asked, her voice reverting to its normal Neigh Jersy accent. "Bring it on mush mouth!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"...so they are getting Derpy to do the story telling this year."
"Wow," Luna said.
"Go back to the catfight," Tydal stated with a smirk.
"Yes, tell us more about the raunchy lesbian sex," Cadence said in glee.
"Ignore them please, they're idiots," Celestia stated.
"So, I am assuming you brought us here for more than to sit around and get drunk," Luna said, taking a sip from her bowl. "Not that I wouldn't mind having a Nightmare Night party..."
"We could drink every time Tydal talks about murder," Shining said.
"I will chop your head off and not feel an ounce of remorse," the sea god said.
Everyone took a drink.
Zecora wiped some foam from her upper lip. "No... I have brought you here because I have heard tidings. A nameless evil has found its way back into the world-"
"This isn't going to be about the One Ring of Power, is it?" Celestia asked. "I already tricked a fellowship into destroying it 500 years ago." She still found it hilarious that none of them had thought to ask the eagles for a lift.
"No... I have heard tales that a phantom has taken up residence in the Castle of the Royal Sisters."
Luna frowned. "We really sucked at naming things." Celestia nodded in agreement.
"Do you know anything about this phantom?" Cadence asked.
"Like if he really exists?" Shining asked. When the others just stared at him the unicorn rolled his eyes. "Ghosts aren’t real."
"Right... just like dragons aren't real," Luna said. "Or hydras or manticores or griffons-"
"I get it," Shining complained.
Zecora sighed, stirring her caldron ('I should have gotten that one with the auto-stir'). "The phantom is known as the Headless Horse. Legend tells that nearly 2000 years ago a unicorn had come to a lake near here to get a drink when he was attacked by some dreaded sea beast-"
"Wait," Tydal said, "did this unicorn like wearing top hats?"
"Uh... I think so," the zebra said, "why?"
Tydal laughed. "What a small world! I'm the one that killed him!"
Everypony took a drink.
Shining just stared at Tydal in horror. "You... you killed him?"
"Yup! I was taking a bath and that dumbass came wandering up. Said he was a Discord's Witness or something stupid like that and asked if I wanted to be saved. I hate the preachy types so I cut off his head."
Eveyrpony took a drink.
"You... you created the Headless Horse?" Zecora exclaimed.
"It's not like I was trying to make a ghost!" Tydal complained. "And it wasn't personal... I didn't even know Bob's real name."
"Bob?" Celestia said.
Tydal laughed. "Yeah... when I cut off his head it went flying in the water and kinda bobbed up and down... it was funny!"
Everypony took a drink.
"Let me take a wild guess at what you are getting at..." Luna said, lips puckered in annoyance. "You want the five of us to go into a haunted castle on the spookiest night of the year and take on a ghost. And to make matters worse, the creature that killed said ghost will be with us." Tydal gave a little wave at that.
"We'll do it!" Celestia said drunkenly, sloshing her drink around.
Shining groaned. "That's what we get for playing drinking games with Tydal."
Twilight looked over the chess board, considering her next move. In front of her Spike was playing with one of the pawns he had captured, rocking it back and forth idly.
“Remember when we use to do stuff?”
Spike nodded. “Uh huh.”
“You know… we’d be out there, having adventures.” Twilight moved her rook in order to protect her queen.
“I remember,” the baby dragon stated, considering his next move, tapping his claw against his chin. In the background he could hear the clock chime 3.
“Now all we do is sit around and wait to play second fiddle to Luna and her friends.” Twilight grimaced when Spike managed to take her knight.
The baby dragon nodded. “Yeah… kinda nice, isn’t it?”
“Why would it be nice? Don’t you miss the fun? The excitement?”
“The almost being eaten or brainwashed…” Spike muttered.
Twilight glowered. “Better than being bored.”
“It’s your move,” Spike said.
Twilight nodded, reaching over and grabbing her Princess piece. “Celestia to the center of the board, destroying all your pieces.”
Spike gave his friend a sour look as he began to reset the board. “One of these days I’m going to get a hand on a Chess Rulebook. I am pretty sure there isn’t really a ‘Princess Celestia Piece’.”
The God Squad Episode 7: Jinkies!
“The Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters…” Zecora said, staring at the great dark fortress that loomed before them.
“I don’t think we’re going to get our security deposit back,” Luna stated as part of one tower crumbled right in front of them.
“Well, I believe Mr. Rent Check died 978 years ago so getting it back was going to be a hassle anyway,” Celestia stated.
“That’s why I never rent,” Tydal commented. “I built my Keep the old fashion way.”
“With slaves?” Shining asked drolly.
“No, certified contractors. What do you mean, slaves? What the hell is wrong with you?” Tydal shook his head in disgust.
Shining grimaced. “I’m sorry-“
“Like a capricorn would ever let an enemy live!” The sea god thrashed his tail about in agitation. “The first lesson all kids are taught is that you make sure your enemy is dead before you leave!”
Cadence looked nervously at the castle, pawing at the ground. “Can’t we just… not go in there?”
“I thought you loved dungeons,” Celestia stated.
“Sex dungeons… with chains and whips and the screams of agony…” Cadence’s brow furrowed. “Wait… was that a sex dungeon or a real dungeon?”
“…and we’ve lost her,” Luna muttered, watching as Cadence began to smile to herself. “Alright, let’s go and find this ghost”
“To catch the spirit in a snap, I have brought a proton trap,” Zecora said (having reverted to rhyming due to her nervousness).
Celestia nodded her head. “Very good, now let’s-“
Blood gushed down one of the outer stone walls, leaving the words “You’re Gonging To Die”.
“Gonging?” Luna said. “What does that mean?”
The blood rushed back up and corrected the message: You’re Going To Die.
“Ah,” Celestia said happily. “That makes more sense.”
Shining stepped away from the castle. “You know, I just remembered that Twiley asked me to meet her at her house and-“
“-have raunchy sex,” Tydal supplied.
“-have raunchy sex, so… NO NOT THAT!” Shining shouted, wheeling around and jabbing his hoof at a cackling Tydal.
“I’m still waiting to have sex with Twilight,” Cadence said, tapping her hoof in annoyance as she broke out of her trance. “Shining, you promised I could sleep with your sister if I agreed to marry you and yet I haven’t tasted any of the Sparkle yet. All I’ve tasted is the Rainbow.”
“Figured that much, I did; now Pinkie owes me 11 quid,” Zecora intoned.
Celestia stepped over to the trembling Shining Armor and leaned down so she could look him in the eye. “Why are you so scared, my little pony? Are you not the captain of my guard?”
“Yeah, but the guard doesn’t actually fight anything,” Shining pointed out. “I mean, you have Twilight and her friends and the Wonderbolts and Luna’s freaky batguards,” Luna huffed at the idea that they were freaky (it hadn’t been hard to find stallions that wanted bat wings… it was difficult to find giant bats whose wings she could rip off), “and The Doctor and Mare-Do-Well and the 501 Stormtrooper Legion… after that your guard is next up but we never really have a challenge.”
“Actually I think the Filly Scouts are before you,” Celestia stated.
“Exactly!” Shining exclaimed. “The Royal Guard is where you go if you want to impress chicks with your uniform but not actually fight some pony! I did not sign up to go walking around some haunted castle! Go get my baby sister instead!”
Luna frowned, her horn glowing as she pulled out a box from her saddlebag. “Would you go in there for a Shining Snack?”
“A what now?” Shining asked, taking the box from Luna.
“A Shining Snack. I found them at the grocery store before we left Ponyville and bought them. See, your picture is right on the box!” Luna grabbed the box back from him and looked it over. “Now, I understand that box calls them ‘doggie treats’ but I am sure you-“
“Why is my name on this box?” Shining roared.
“So concerned about the name of a treat, and yet not bothered having them to eat,” Zecora stated.
“That one was kinda clunky,” Tydal stated.
“Give me a break, my dear Uncle Ty, its hard enough to think these up on the fly!”
Shining had in the meantime managed to snatch the box back from Luna and was clearing at the cartoony image of himself on the box. “I am going to sue the pants off them!”
“They probably don’t wear pants,” Celestia stated, “and neither do you so that would be pointless.”
Cadence nervously walked up to her husband, nuzzling him. “Sweetie… maybe you should just let it go… I mean… maybe they got permission to use your likeness and pressing them on it would be bad.”
Shining’s eyebrow twitched. “Cadence… what did you do?”
“… they had one of those pink glitter pens! You know how much I love them!”
“You signed away my name and likeness to a dog treat company just to get a pen!”
“No… no no no no no!” Cadence said. “I didn’t get to keep the pen, silly.”
Shining fell to his belly, staring blankly out into the darkness (and he was pretty sure the blood on the outer wall now said ‘Sucks To Be You’). “They… they are using my name and face on their boxes.”
“Not just on their boxes,” Luna said, pulling out a treat; it was shaped like Shining’s face.
“You mean right now, all over Equestria… dogs are coming to associate my face with a yummy snack!?!”
“… hey, why don’t we split up!” Luna said cheerfully, ignoring Shining’s agony.
"Wait... why would we split up?" Celestia asked.
"Because everypony knows, dear sister, that ghosts only interact with ponies when they are in groups of 2 or less. That is the way it works." The others gave her blank looks and the moon goddess sighed. "None of you took Supernatural Creatures 101 in college?"
"It conflicted with another class," Tydal stated.
"You went to college?" Cadence asked in surprise.
"Yup, Mareatine U. Home of the fighting pufferfish."
"Go pufferfish!" Luna and Celestia called out.
"What did you major in?"
"Biology with a minor in decapitation," Tydal stated.
"While you were doing that and my dear sister was focused on doing keg stands, I majored in all things spooky," Luna said smugly. "So that makes me an expert in all things ghosty." She began to pace in front of the team. "Now then... as I said, ghosts are very shy and do not like to be seen by large groups of ponies or by credible witnesses. Luckily we are all drunk so it should decide to go after us." Luna pulled out her fake glasses and adjusted them, taking on a look of utter tedium. "You must be careful when approaching a ghost... if you look at it the spirit will blush, cover its eyes and turn intangible. But the moment you are no longer looking at it the ghost will uncover its eyes, stick out its tongue and bare its fangs and slowly chase after you... until you look at it again. Sometimes it helps if you are dressed as a plumber."
Shining ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "None of this sounds that believable-"
"Quiet you," Luna said. "Now then, the easiest way to lure a ghost to you is to begin sculpting a pot."
"Seriously?" Cadence said.
"Indeed. Ghosts love helping with pottery. It also helps if you sing." Luna cleared her throat. "Oooooh... my love... my darling... I hunger for your-"
"Finishing that lyric will bring terrible blights, for we will be forced to pay the song rights."
"Nicely caught," Celestia told Zecora.
"Alright, I think we should divide up based on strength and the hilarity of the pairings... naturally Tydal and Shining will be together, since they are hilarious as a couple."
"We are?" the capricorn and unicorn said.
"Big sister, you have long billowy hair and Zecora has a Mohawk, so that makes you partners."
The zebra nodded. "You never felt a stallion's touch before, and Cadence is quite clearly a w-"
"Hey!" Shining called out. "That's my wife!"
Cadence gently nuzzled her husband. "Thank you, sweetie." She turned to the group. "So, I'm a whore and Luna's a virgin... that means we're together, right?"
"I... I am so not a virgin!" Luna complained.
"Yes, of course you aren't," Celestia said sweetly.
"I am not!" Luna called out, chasing after her family as they began to make their way towards the castle. "I've been with a ton of stallions! Big ones! Pegasi and unicorns and earth ponies!"
"Whatever you say, Princess," Shining said with a smirk.
"Damn it, I am not a virgin! I'm practically a slut!" The group ignored her as they crossed over the bridge. "Are you listening to me? I'll do anything! I'd blow a sea serpent!"
"Oh, is that so?" a purple sea serpent said, emerging from the water. "I'd love to... oh, you're a girl. I thought you were a delightful boy offering moo-stache rides. Pity."
"...get the hay away from me, Steve Magnet!" Luna snapped. "You're just a one-note character."
"Look who's talking," Steve stated before descending underwater.
"I can't wait for ya ta meet my family!" Applebloom said happily, leading her new friend towards her house. She was practically cantering along the road, humming happily to herself. "I know they are going to love you!"
"Of course they will," Bland Bloodsucker said dully, his pasty white flank sparkling in the sunlight. His eyes, which were glazed over like he'd one too many hits to the head, stared forward. The only thing that had any sense of life was his poofy brown mane (which had way too much hair gel in it, the tosser). "I just hope they are serving the food I requested."
"Blood pudding, as requested!" Applebloom said happily. "So, you're from Trottingham, right?"
"Yes... Trottingham," Bland said, staring at Applebloom's neck intently (or, atleast, intently for him… rocks had harder stares than Bland… and better personalities).
"Well, here we are!" Applebloom proclaimed in glee, opening the door to the farmhouse. "Come on in."
Bland stepped over the threshold, his fangs itching for some delicious crimson blood. And he got it... courtesy of Applejack bucking him right in the mouth.
"Applebloom, lock the door!" AJ stated coolly, her lasso already tightening around Bland's legs, the pale pony twitching as he lay on the hardwood.
"Got it, sis!" Applebloom said, her mood going from happy to stone-cold in a flash. She hurried to the door, locking it up tight before trotting over the Bland and kicking him in the flank and leaving a dent in his cutie mark (it too was boring… it was a circle… nothing fancy, just a circle).
"So..." Bland coughed, eyes glowing red, "you figured out I am a vampire."
"First off, ya ain’t a vampire. Don’t know of a vamp that glitters in the sun like a fairy. I don’t know what ya are but even if ya were a bloodsucker I wouldn’t rightly care," Applejack said simply.
“You wouldn’t?” Bland said in surprise.
“Boy, this be Ponyville! One of my best friends is a witch with a dragon familiar! We gots a Time Lord married to our mailmare! I’m pretty sure Colgate is buildin’ one of them Frankenstein monsters in her basement.”
"Shoot, Granny Smith's been a werewolf for 30 years... supernatural don't bother us."
"Dang right!" Granny Smith said from her chair before promptly falling asleep.
"Then... then why are you attacking me?" Bland whined (and even his whine was boring!).
"Cuss you're a-hundred years old and Bloom is a minor. We don't take to kindly to perverts round in these parts. When they do show up, we like to play a little game called ‘Perv Ball’. It be like hoofball only we use your head as the ball." Applejack stepped aside, revealing a giant red stallion right behind her, the earth pony putting on a pair of spiked horseshoes. "Ain't that right, big brother?"
"Eeyup!" Mac said, rearing back.
WHAM!
The God Squad Episode 8: Zoinks
"So, what do you think we should do?" Celestia asked, wandering around her old home. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad looking (back then they hadn't been able to afford any maids so the dirt and cobwebs had been there even before they had abandoned it). A touch of paint and it would be rather nice. Oh, she wouldn’t trade the castle for anything… but perhaps it would be nice to have a little summer home for her to get away from the court and do her jazzercise.
"If it is a solution that we must woo..." Zecora paused, pulling out a rhyming dictionary from her mane and leafing through it, muttering to herself before she finally found the page she was looking for, "...then we must search out a clue!" She nodded happily and stuffed the book back into her mane (Pinkie Pie had taught her such a trick at the Ponyville Community Center).
Celestia walked over towards the throne. "Let's see..." Her horn glowed and she began to toss out an assortment of objects that had been hidden behind the throne: a bloody horseshoe (if the shoe don't fit, you must aquit), a jar full of ears, a book entitled 'If I Was Guilty, Here's How I Would Do It' and a map with spots marked on it that were labeled 'Best Places to Hide a Body'. "Well, we are searching for a ghost, and ghosts wouldn't need any of this since they are ectoplasm."
"All that evidence is truly a con," Zecora pulled out a bottle of rum she'd hidden in her mane, "so let's sit down and get our drink on."
"I like the way you think, little niece," Celestia said, popping the cork and taking a swig. “So, how is Aslan doing?”
“Mother still finds him first rate, last I heard they were on a 3rd date.”
~MC~MC~MC~
"So... how is married life?" Tydal asked as he and Shining walked down Luna's old wing of the castle. The capricorn, having reached his quota of Shining insults for the hour, decided it was time for some small talk.
"Pretty good... we're still in the honeymoon phase,” Shining stated, glancing at a suit of armor.
"Meh, I always hated that term... makes it sound like your wife will turn into a shrew after a few months. Everyone knows that only happens to the monkeys of Howler Island." Tydal poked his head into a room but only found it full of anime magazines. "You know, you'd think after a 1,500 years the author of One Piece would be closer to finishing his story..." Tydal muttered, remembering when the first issue had come out.
"You know, I always forget you are married," Shining said, examining a portrait of Celestia ('why do they keep painting her with pink hair?'). "Any advice?"
Tydal smiled. "Merida and I make sure to keep things fresh and new."
"This isn't going to be sexual, is it?" Shining asked. When Tydal raised an eyebrow the unicorn shrugged, blushing slightly. "Sorry... Cadence kinda rubs off on me..."
"Of course," Tydal said with a smirk. "No Shining, not sexual. We do little things... take vacations, visit new restaurants, try out new ways to murder our enemies, pick a new hobby… this year we are collecting interesting leaves."
"Right... I forgot Queen Merida is a capricorn too... of course she would like violence."
"She wasn't always, you know," Tydal stated.
“Wasn’t always what?”
“A capricorn.”
"Really?" Shining said in surprise. "I always assumed..."
Tydal shook his head, the two of them hanging a left and entering the royal kitchen. The space, where once the greatest of Equestrian chefs had crafted the finest meals, was in total disrepair. "It was all the talk back in the day; I was returning from a meeting with the Dragons of the Diamond Shores-“
“And by that you mean you were violently attacking them.”
“Pretty much. Anyway, I was about a 6 hours swim away from my Keep when I was caught in a vortex. When I awoke I was in a strange world and my body changed into a strange new form.”
"And what was that?" Shining said, opening a cupboard and finding nothing but dust (in cans, of course, labeled ‘Auntie Dirt’s Old Fashioned Dust: Now with grit!’).
"The natives of that world called themselves 'humans'. They had no weapons and had to make their own... not my bowl of ale but they do have their uses. One has to admire a species that can rise to be the only dominate force on their world." Tydal smirked. “And they were very creative when it came to killing.”
Finding nothing, the two of them made their way back out into the hall. "I traveled their lands for nearly a week before I ran into a fierce princess."
“Love at first sight?” Shining asked.
“She tried to shoot an arrow through my throat.”
“Charming,” Shining muttered, not all that surprised that, for a capricorn, love would come from near death (‘near’ being the key word; back before their stone sleep it had been known that never had one capricorn killed another… mainly because there were too many other things to brutally slaughter).
“Indeed. I deserved it, of course. I was trying to steal her coin bag. Plus I was naked and in the human world that is frowned upon.” Tydal began to laugh as he remembered his future wife, then a barely a woman of 20, screaming and cursing as a naked 6’2” man came running at her trying to steal her money. “Now that was a fight… if only you could have seen it, Shining…”
“No thanks,” Shining stated.
“Your loss.” The sea god smiled fondly as he remembered his courtship of the proud and tough woman. "We fought and screamed and loved and screamed some more. In the end, when my older sister and brother, The Lady of Zebrica and the Great Griffon, found a way to return me to this world my Merida came with me. I returned to my capricorn form and my Merida was also blessed to become one of my kind. I took my beloved to my Mother, who granted her the gift of immortality and made her the goddess of the sea floor, with all the powers and abilities that are granted to a capricorn deity." Tydal, even in that dark and spooky place, couldn’t help but smile as the memories flowed over him. “Coral and Misty were born a few years later… it would take another 200 years before Celestia and Luna were plopped on my doorstep and my 5 jewels were all under the protection of my keep…”
Shining blinked in surprise. "The Creator can do that? Make a mortal immortal?"
"Indeed. I was going to suggest such a thing to you, Shining, once we finished this quest for the changelings. It has been a while since Mother and I chatted and I would not mind in the slightest taking you to see her and getting you your wings."
The captain was surprised by that and his face clearly showed it. "I would have thought you'd want to see me die." Actually, Shining had thought that Tydal would smother him with a pillow (which is why he’d had all pillows chained to the mattresses).
"You might annoy me, Shining Armor, but you are now family. I have only truly attempted to kill one of my relations... and Discord brought that on himself." Tydal’s mood darkened as he thought of his eldest brother and the pain the draconequus had caused. Realizing that he was grinding his teeth together in frustration, the lord of the Mareatine shook himself free of his anger. "Besides, my Mother tended to make more sisters for me than brothers... when I find a bit of testosterone I refuse to let it slip away."
"Wow... thanks," Shining said softly.
"You're welcome and by the way the Headless Horse has been following us for 5 minutes."
"WHAT?!?!" Shining turned around and nearly leapt 5 feet in the air when he realized that the Headless Horse was indeed right behind them. The ghost appeared solid enough and Shining wouldn't have thought much of the pony if it weren't for his lack of a head and the green glow that seemed to surround his pale emerald hide.
"Hello Bob!" Tydal said cheerfully, tail wagging like a happy puppy as he took a step towards the moaning specter. "I'm going chop you up again. Terribly sorry if that is a bother."
Shining grabbed Tydal with his magic and began to drag the oceanic king away from phantom. "We need to go, now!"
"But I want to fight him!" Tydal complained.
"It's a ghost! You can't fight a ghost!"
"Says you! Let me at 'im! Let me at 'im!" Tydal struggled against Shining's grip. "Tadadadada! Tydal Power!"
"No! No Tydal Power!" Shining snapped, managing to drag the sea god back into the kitchen and lock the door before the Headless Horse could step in. The phantom let out a wailing scream and began to chase them.
"...I hope my mother makes you the god of erectile dysfunction!"
"Oh no, the Hamburglar's loose!" Spike cried in a panic, hiding behind the sofa.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "No he's not." She opened the door, only to blink, staring at the group of ponies that stood at her doorstep, brandishing pitchforks and torches. Several of them had rope twisted into nooses and Lyra was actually dragging a metal cage behind her. It would have been rather intimidating if not for the fact that they were all in their Nightmare Night costumes… and said costumes were adorable.
The Mayor, in her attempt to make Nightmare Night more family friend (because if there was a holiday that worked well for families, it was a celebration of the evil half of a moon goddess who had tried to destroy the world), had decided to have a costume contest and the cutest outfit would win 40 bits. And because everypony in Ponyville was bad at math (40 bits being hardly worth anything... Princess Cadence spent that much a week on lube), they had all jumped at the chance to win and were now all dressed as woodland creatures, princesses, fairies and other sugary sweet things (save for Fluttershy, who was dressed as a Wonderbolt for some reason).
“Uh… hi?” Twilight said, adjusting her Starswirl beard (‘Starswirl is cute!’ she’d argued to Spike).
“Uh oh… is this about those rubies I took?” Spike asked, pulling on his Clover the Clever hood (not realizing that Clover was in fact a girl).
“What rubies?” Lyra called out, a pair of butterfly wings on her back.
“Nothing… Spike and I totally didn’t steal a bunch of rubies when we were drunk!” Twilight said quickly, giving a weak chuckle. “What can I do for you and your… angry mob?”
“We found out there is a witch nearby and we want to burn her! You want to come?” Carrot Top asked (she was dressed as a teddy bear in rain slicker).
"Burn the witch!" Dinky said with a giggle (and yes, she was cute as well in her little executioner's hood and 'fake' ax).
“Uh…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “Witches aren’t real.”
“Of course they are!” The Doctor, who was wearing a strange outfit that he kept assuring people was based on the cutest creature on the planet Omicron Persei 8, stated. “Are you saying magic isn’t real?”
“Well, of course not,” Twilight said quickly. “But if witches were real then you could say I am a witch.”
“We know you are a witch, Twilight!” Applejack called out, her apple costume bobbing as she nodded her head. “We’re going after a bad witch!”
“I’m not a witch!” Twilight cried out.
“You kinda are, Twilight.” Spike pointed out. “I mean, you cast spells, live in a tree, you use to fly on a broom-“
“How else am I suppose to play Quidditch?” Twilight demanded.
“And you have a minion!” Mrs. Cake called out (she was dressed as a bunny rabbit with Pound as her carrot).
“Exactly!” Spike said smugly.
“Spike, she is speaking about you,” Twilight whispered.
The baby dragon looked at her in shock. “No… I think she is talking about Owlicious!”
“And you have an animal familiar in that owl of yours!” Bon Bon shouted (wearing a ballerina costume).
“… shut up,” Spike grumbled, crossing his arms and letting out a huff.
“So listen… you want to help us go burn the witch?” a random pony called out (he was wearing a random costume, which was random).
“I’m good,” Twilight said, shutting the door and heading back towards the mirror to make sure her costume looked good.
“Twilight!” Spike cried out. “They are going to burn a pony!”
“No they won’t,” Twilight said happily. “Trust me, they will get bored or distracted by something shiny and-“
“HELP! HELP!”
Spike tapped his foot against the ground and Twilight smiled slightly. “I’m… sure that it isn’t what it sounds like.”
“THEY’RE BURNING ME ALIVE!”
“Metapohor,” Twilight said quickly.
“IT ISN’T A METAPHOR, IF ANYPONY THINKS IT IS! I AM BEING BURNED ALIVE!”
“Well, I’m sure she deserved it,” Twilight said, humming loudly in order to drown out the sound of the witch being burned.
“Twilight!” Spike snapped.
“Do you want them to think we are in league with her?”
“… good point,” Spike muttered.
The God Squad Episode 9: Ruh roh
“Show me the way to go home!” Celestia and Zecora sang. “I’m tired and I want to go to bed!”
“What the heck are you doing?” Shining asked, approaching the two while dragging Tydal by the tail (the sea god screaming for blood... which was kinda normal for him).
“Hunting for spirits,” Celestia said happily. “We found some!”
“Dear lord she’s smashed,” Tydal grumbled, wiggling his tail from Shining’s magical grip. “Well, we had a good run.”
“What are you complaining about?” Shining asked. “The Princess has been drunk before.”
“She’s been drunk, yes. Smashed is something completely different,” Tydal warned. “The last time I saw her smashed she used the sun to draw faces in the sky.”
The captain of the guard licked his lips nervously. “Well… that was thousands of years ago. I’m sure she is much more mature and can handle her-“
“You know what I like?” Celestia said, swaying slightly. “Pink!” Shining and Tydal barely had a moment to question the comment before gallons of pink dye poured down on them. A blast of magical wind blew over them and Celestia giggled as she drunkenly spun about, her pink mane and coat shining brightly (and you thought Discord was the crazy one in the family?).
“Do you ever get tired of being the universe’s whipping colt?” a fuchsia Tydal asked the cherry-and-cream captain.
“Every friggin’ day of my life,” Shining stated, head hung.
“I’m just one color!” Zecora screamed in horror. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
~MC~MC~MC~
“Cadence, come over here!” Luna called out.
“What, did you find something?”
Luna nodded in utter glee. “Yes, yes I have.” She pointed down through a cracked window. “That courtyard will be the best place for us to set up my trap to catch the ghost.”
“… how do you catch a ghost? Aren’t they made of ectoplasm?”
Luna wrapped an arm around Cadence. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, your Auntie Luna has it all planned out! Now then,” the lunar goddess pointed to a dark corner of the room. “Go stand there and be the bait for the blood thirsty ghost that wants to kill us all, ok pumpkin?”
“Ok!” Cadence said happily, giving the moon princess a salute. Cadence skipped over to the corner and happily began to hum to herself, horn glowing as she lifted out her supplies from her saddlebag and doing a supply check. "If there's something strange in your neighbor... guess who it is... Ghost Nappa!"
"Such a sweet girl... I hope she doesn't die," Luna said to herself before leaving the room.
Cadence tapped her chin as she went through her bag. “Make-up… protein bar… ball gag…fake glasses…”
“MOOOOORAWWWWWW!”
“No, that’s not in there,” Cadence said to herself. She was about ready to put everything away when something big and heavy struck her, sending her falling to the ground, supplies scattering all over the floor and dust settling in her eyes, leaving her blinking back tears. “My glasses! My non-needed fake glasses! I can see without but I still want my glasses!”
Cadence began to paw around, trying to grab the glasses and all her supplies. Her horn glowed and her makeup and ball gag floated over to her. She sent out the tendrils of magic and latched onto something big, dragging it towards her.
“MOOORAWWWWW!”
“You aren’t my glasses,” Cadence said. She reached out, hooves running over the Headless Horse’s flank. “Shining, is that you?”
“MOOORAWWWW!”
“Yes, I know Tydal can be mean but you need to try and be nice to him.”
“MOOORAWWWWW!” The Headless Horse moaned, his hooves going around her throat.
“Oh, somepony is frisky!” Cadence, still trying to blink the dust out of her eyes, slowly stood up, using her magic to lower the Headless Horse’s hooves from her throat to her flanks. “Listen… do you want to try something… new?”
“MOOORAWWWW!”
“I’ll take that as a yes… and remember, safe words are for foals and cowards.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“…ok girls, get the crate in place.”
“Please stop calling us that!” Shining complained as he worked to get the wooden box hung above the big red X Luna had painted on the ground.
“But you are just so cute!” Luna squealed, using her magic to pinch his cheek.
Tydal rolled his eyes, his horns glowing as he called upon the waters from the Everfree River. The whitewater was blasting his coat like a firehose, helping to wash away much of the dye. Still, the sea god was a light shade of pink, like someone had stirred raspberries into yogurt. “I look like Coral and Misty.”
“OOooooo!” Celestia exclaimed, teetering slightly as she waved her hooves about. “Let’s invite them to help! Then we can paint our hooves and talk about boys! I have a crush on Applejack's brother-”
Tydal’s horns flashed and Celestia felt herself growing sleepy. “Let’s not and say we did.” The sun goddess mumbled and drifted to sleep next to a whimpering Zecora, who was having a panic attack because she wasn’t two colors anymore.
“Whose idea was it to get her smashed?” Luna asked (the last time she had seen her sister like this they had spent 4 weeks explaining to their panicked subjects why every bush in Equestria had magically been reshaped to look like the white alicorn).
“Don’t look at us, we just caught the tail end of her insanity,” Tydal complained, sticking his face in the geyser he had created and shaking his head back and forth. “Now, what is the plan?”
“Alright, so Cadence is going to lure the Headless Horse down here. At which point Zecora and I, posing as barbers,” Luna held up two barber outfits she’d grabbed from the castle’s theater department (which luckily had been enchanted to preserve the garments… because if there is one thing that is important, it is costume changes), “and we will offer to give him a free tail trimming. We will sit him in the barber chair here-“
“I was wondering why that was there,” Shining said, inspecting the chair Luna had installed in the middle of the courtyard.
“-and jump out of the way while you and Tydal lower the crate and catch him!”
Luna grinned. “Good! I was hoping it was too simple. Now then, places every-“
“HELP!”
The group (save for a snoring Celestia) turned in time to see the Headless Horse scrambling out of the castle and into the courtyard, being pursued by a skipping Cadence. The phantom threw himself at Luna’s hooves, babbling for mercy.
“Oh, hi Shining Armor!” Cadence said happily. “I caught the Headless Horse!”
“You knew I wasn’t your husband?” The ghost squealed.
“Of course I knew… I’m a nympho, not stupid. Sex is my greatest weapon and I use it well.” She took a step forward. “Would you like a demonstration?”
“No! Please no!” the Headless Horse cried out. He reached up and pulled on a half-hidden zipper, pulling what was now revealed to be not his coat but a costume away, revealing…
“Old Stallion Phillips!” Everypony proclaimed.
“That’s right!” the old tan unicorn grumbled. “I used the myth of the Headless Horse to scare ponies away from the castle so I could look around.”
“But why?” Shining asked.
“Gold bits! 40 of them, somewhere in this castle! I couldn't afford a cute costume for Nightmare Night so I had to find another way to earn them.”
"Wait, so the cold opening really happened? My sister let a pony be burned to death?" Shining questioned.
“… 40 bits? Are you kidding me?” Tydal asked.
“What… what do you mean?”
Zecora laughed (though she was still upset over being pink). “It is quite clear spooky ghost that you are a rube, for Princess Cadence spends that once a week on lube!”
Cadence bobbed her head happily. “Yup!”
“Well… uh…” Old Stallion Phillips frowned. “Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling ponies and your zebra!”
“Hey, what am I, chopped seaweed?” Tydal complained. "I am a capricorn, which is better than a pony because I have a fish tail!"
“Well, we solved the mystery of the Headless Horse, which I knew we would, of course of course," Zecora stated.
Luna, however, wasn’t satisfied. “No… there is more to this than that.” She grabbed Old Stallion Phillips’ mane and began to tug. “I bet this is another mask! Come on, get off… get off!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Old Stallion Phillips’ screamed as Luna yanked out a chunk of his mane. “You crazy mare! I’ll sue you for assault!”
“…move hooves!” Luna cried out, using her magic to lift up her sleeping sister and dash out of the castle, her family on her heels.
“Why do all our adventures end like this?” Cadence asked.
"So explain to me again why we aren't going back to the castle?" Shining Armor asked, shifting to avoid a large stallion that was trying to carry a screaming foal and a carry-on bag through the packed train station (‘Note to self, buy birth control’). “I mean, I thought we did all this just to get cupcakes.” He gave Luna a hard stare but the princess ignored him.
"Well Shining, I realized that I have spent little time seeing Equestria," Luna stated, looking over the Destination Board in an attempt to find their train (which was silly because Equestria only had one train; they were suppose to have two but they had wasted all the money for the second one on making the first look like a child's toy). "I mean, yeah, I saw alot of it when i was trapped on the moon, but I was mostly picking out targets I wanted to blow up."
"But you no longer want to do that, right little sister?" Celestia said, a magazine floating in front of her face (‘Hmmm, I wonder if Joustin’ Beaver will ever find love…’).
"...yeah, sure, let's go with that." Luna began to make her way towards the ticket counter. "But now that I've been to Ponyville, I decided that I need to see all of Equestria! I want to see the mountains and the plains and the changeling hive so I can beat their queen up and the great cities and the tiny hamlets-"
"Wait... what was that last part?" Shining said.
"Changeling hive?" Luna said.
"No the..." Shining blinked, surprised that Luna hadn't played dumb.
The lunar goddess smirked at the captain’s dumbfounded expression. "Yeah, I figured it would get old quick if I kept trying to fool you; only so many excuses I can come up with to try and trick all of you. We're going to travel around Equestria, find the changelings, and beat them up."
"Are you ok with this?" Shining complained to Celestia.
The solar goddess shrugged. "I knew she was pulling this… I have been around for several thousand years.” Luna huffed but Celestia merely smiled. “I've learned that if I wait long enough Luna will get distracted by something shiny or her own reflection and forget all of her plans."
“I do not!” Luna complained.
“Yes little sister, whatever you said.” Celestia leaned in towards Shining, whispering the moment Luna turned away from them to purchase their tickets, "She became Nightmare Moon 5 times before she finally decided to actually fight me. The 3rd time she walked in and got distracted by a bird and I ended up telling her we'd gone to a costume party."
"You can't seriously believe-"
"Oooohhh..." Luna said, staring at her reflection in a window pane. "Look at the pretty mare! Who's a pretty mare! You are! You are!"
The God Squad Episode 10: A Town Called Appleloosa
Celestia looked over the bag of bits, counting each little bar out, clinking them onto the table. "It was a smart idea to go to the bank and draw some bits from our account."
"Why didn't we do that sooner?" Shining asked, staring out the window as the train charged along the tracks. "We could have avoided the debate against that crazy pony and almost being eaten by that bear..."
Luna shot her sister a withering glare. "Somepony made a royal decree that we couldn't use our standing to help ourselves out."
Celestia shrugged, shoving the bits back into her bag. "It worked out in the end and now we have enough bits to get along comfortably."
The lunar goddess wasn't so convinced. "I still don't understand why we didn't withdraw more. I know you nearly bankrupted us pulling that prank on Twilight a few weeks ago, but after that loan Tydal gave us we have more than enough to live better than ‘comfortable’. We could have stayed in the finest hotels and eating the richest of desserts and had the most muscular of sex slaves…"
"You want to see Equestria and beat up a changeling. I want to see Equestria and act like the rest of my little ponies. As such, we will be, as they say, 'roughing it'."
"Speaking of sex, where are Cadence? She and Tydal were supposed to get our new disguises and meet us here." Shining eyes went wide. "I hope Cadence didn't miss the train! We'll have to go back and find her if we did! We can’t leave her behind… that would be horrible!"
"What about Tydal?" Celestia asked.
"...yeah, be a real shame if he got left behind."
The door slid open and the capricorn in question walked in. "I love you too, Captain Armor."
"What are you wearing?" Luna said, staring at her older brother. Tydal was decked out in a light brown cowboy hat and a long canvas poncho that covered most of his body, including his tail. On his hooves were brown shoes with little spurts on each heel, which jingled as he walked.
"I decided he should look the part, since we are going to be in the Wild West!" Cadence said in glee. "He's like the dolls I played with when I was a filly, except he is grumpy and threatens to beat ponies up!"
“Isn’t Appleloosa in the south? Why would you call it-“
"You look very dangerous, Tydal," Celestia stated politely. "The poncho fits you well."
"It better," the capricorn complained, using his magic to adjust his hat. "I am half fish and you are sending me to the driest place in Equestria. If I don’t cover up I’ll die."
“You’ll be fine,” Luna said with a wave of her hoof. “And if not I have a wonderful recipe for tartar sauce.”
“Oh, keep laughing,” Tydal said with a dark smirk. “Just wait till you see what Cadence bought for the rest of you.”
“I’m sure it will be fine,” Shining said, trotting over and giving his wife a kiss. “I trust her to pick out a nice, dignified outfit for each of us.”
“The chaps I got you are assless,” Cadence said.
Shining blinked.
“So, what does it feel like to have fate continually smack you upside the head?” Tydal asked, deciding to head to the dining car while the rest of them got dressed, but not before calling out, “And Luna? Yours are crotchless!”
~MC~MC~MC~
Luckily for the rest of them by the time the train stopped in town the next day Shining was able to convince Cadence that the assless chaps and crotchless pants were unneeded for their disguises (of course, considering they were normally naked it was strange that assless chaps and crotchless anything were a big deal). Instead, Shining stepped off the train with a long handlebar mustache (he had to remember to thank Twilight for showing him that spell) a black flat-brim hat and a short black jacket with long tails thrown over a white dress shirt.
The dry heat struck him and left him letting out a gasp, trying to adjust to the dusty air.
“Knock it off,” Tydal grumbled, pulling his hat down a more, the brim shading his eyes. “I’m the one that is in the frying pan.”
“Amazing,” Luna said as she emerged, “I can’t believe they managed to make a town out here in the desert.” The lunar mare had gone with a simple brown short jacket and a white cowboy hat, a hankerchief tied around her neck and a set of cowboy boots on her hooves.
“Our little ponies are quiet industrious,” Celestia stated. She had forgone any jackets and instead opted for a black vest, hat and boots. She also wore saddlebags, having decided that she would guard the money (knowing Cadence would gamble it away, Tydal would use it to buy cider, Luna would waste it on massages and Shining would attempt to buy train tickets back to Canterlot). “We should blend in quite well,” she stated, looking at all the ponies that mulled about, each one wearing a hat or jacket (apparently Ponyville was a nudist colony).
“Well, most of us,” Luna groused as she watched Cadence step out into the sun. The love goddess had gone completely different that the rest of them, wearing a short purple skirt and black crop top, along with fishnet stockings on her back legs. Royal violet feathers lined much of her outfit, her own wings tucked in tight and hidden by a boa she wore around her neck.
“What?” Cadence asked. “I got this outfit cheap because the last mare who wore it nearly caused a riot and got the town destroyed!”
“It looks lovely, sweetheart,” Shining said, bumping his flank against hers.
“Maybe I’ll wear it to bed tonight,” Cadence purred.
“Can you please wait till we are in the hotel before giving in and rutting like pigs?” Tydal complained, chewing on the toothpick he’d snagged from the dining car.
Celestia nodded. “Well now, let us take a look around and-“
“HOWDY THERE!” The party jumped back in fright as the light yellow stallion popped up in front of them, a huge smile on his face. “Glad to meet ya new folks! I’m Braeburn and I am here to welcome ya to APPPPPPLELOOOOSA! We are mighty glad to have new arrivals and as such I want to take a moment and welcome ya’ll to our humble town, which is, of course, called APPPPPPLELOOOOSA!”
Tydal just stared at the loud pony. “…I'm going to kill you in your sleep.”
“Wow, you folks sure do have a dark sense of humor!” Braeburn stated with a laugh.
“I’m not joking,” Tydal said.
Luna weakly chuckled. “Of course he is joking! He is such a kidder…”
“I’ll slit your throat and watch you bleed out.”
“…hahahaha, you are so funny brother but maybe you should be quiet now.” Luna shot the sea god a glare that spoke of pain if he kept pressing his luck.
“I’m going to find a tavern,” Tydal grunted.
“Oooh, I could go for a frosty one!” Cadence said. “Do you mind if I go, Shiny?”
Shining smiled. “Go right ahead, sweetheart.” Cadence began to skip towards the tavern, so she missed the captain pull Tydal aside. “Make sure she doesn’t begin singing, ok? Last thing any of us need is a song and dance number.” Tydal nodded and followed after the mare, leaving Shining, Luna and Celestia with a still grinning Braeburn.
“So, what brings ya’ll to APPPPLELOOOSA?”
“Why do you do that?” Luna asked.
“I suffered from heat stroke as a child and it gave me BRRAAAAAIN damage! Screwed up my speech real good. Luckily, no one minds it here in APPPPPLEOOOOSA!”
“…alright then, at least you are honest,” Luna said.
Celestia looked around, waving to several of the ponies that wished them welcome. “Every pony here is very friendly.”
“Why of course they are!” Braeburn said, tipping his hat to the local school mare. “If there is one thing we focus on here, it’s bein’ kind and friendly ta all that come into town. Now, if ya’ll would be kind enough to hide in this buildin’ with me, once the maruaders come ridin’ through I’ll show ya around in a right friendly manner!”
“Say what now?” Luna said as Braeburn shoved them into the general store. The store keep quickly slammed his door and with speed that shouldn’t have been possible quickly boarded up his windows. “What the hay is going on?” Luna complained.
Celestia looked between two of the boards, watching as the townsfolk mimicked Braeburn’s actions and hurried inside, sealing up the buildings and leaving the streets completely empty. “What are you all afraid of?”
“Don’t ya worry, we just have a band of trouble makers that come a’rushin’ through here around 1 pm. We tend to just wait them out and then get on with our lives.”
“You’re kidding,” Shining said in surprise. “And you just allow it?”
“Well, we didn’t at first. Sheriff Silver Star tried to stand up to them and they put him 6 feet in the ground.”
“They killed him?” Celestia said in horror.
Braeburn’s eyebrows rose up nearly into his mane. “What? Nah, of course not! They just dug a 6 foot hole and shoved him into it. We’re still tryin’ to find a rope to get him out of there.”
Luna opened her mouth to say move but was cut off by the cries and hollers of the marauders. The alicorn sisters and their captain watched as gang of cackling stallions rushed down the dusty Main Street, letting out whoops and hollers. The buildings rattled like they had been caught in an earthquake and the boards on the windows were trembling so hard for a moment the three thought they would fall down.
“Don’t worry none,” Braeburn said quietly, “long as they don’t see none of us they won’t do any damage. We stay in here and we will be a-ok.”
Shining, Luna, and Celestia all looked at each other, then peered at the tavern…
“What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?!?” Tydal roared, emerging from the tavern, Cadence giggling as she drunkenly followed after him (Cadence was famously a feather-weight when it came to booze). Tydal looked at the gang of stallions and began to laugh. “By the Creator is the circus in town or something?”
“Angel, I’m back from the store.” Fluttershy quietly slipped into her house and sidestepping several raccoons and a beaver that were resting on her Welcome mat (from the party hats they wore it was clear they were still sleeping off their hangovers). Her saddle bags were full of groceries and she looked forward to trying out a new crab grass stew recipe she’d learned about from Carrot Top. “Angel?”
The pegasus blinked, growing worried that her number 1 assistant (it wasn’t like Twilight had a trademark on that terminology!) hadn’t come to the door to greet her and demand a snack. After her time with Iron Will the bunny rabbit had been a lot more kind and caring for her; he was still moody and grumpy but he was more respectful. In fact, judging from how he had reacted to her tears after the Gabby Gums incident, Angel had decided to focus his energies on protecting her rather than fighting with her (of course, he did tend to drift towards the extreme; she’d taken his battle ax away when he’d sought to hunt the girls down).
Fluttershy walked into the dining room, pausing when she noticed a sheet of paper lying on the table.
‘The time has come to eliminate the target. Do what must be done. –The Grand Master’
Fluttershy sighed, walking over to her bookcase and selecting a hardcover ('The Migration Habits of an Unladen Zebrican Swallow’). Pulling on the tome caused the bookcase to swing away, revealing a hidden passage that led under the mare's cottage.
Spreading her wings, Fluttershy descended into the depths. She fell for what fell like hours (but was more like fifteen seconds) and the moment her hooves touched the ground she grabbed an already lit candle continued on through the darkness. After about a minute Fluttershy emerged in a great cavern filled with all manner of swords, crossbows, throwing knives and disguises. She could feel the damp air cling to her coat and she shivered slightly before heading over to the far corner, where her bunny stood getting dressed.
"I... I saw the message," Fluttershy said, shifting uneasily.
Angel's nose twitched as he pulled on a small white hooded assassin's jacket trimmed with green.
"I know... I, uh, have something for you." Fluttershy trotted over to a work table and carefully grabbed a small bracer, which was designed to fit the bunny perfectly. "I figured two were better than one. You don't have to take it-"
The rabbit reached out and placed a paw on her foreleg before hurrying to put on the new bracer. He held it up, giving her a smirk as the hidden blade extended from the weapon.
"Nothing is true... everything is permitted," Fluttershy intoned. "Good luck, Angelo Bunnitorie de Ponyville."
The God Squad Episode 7: Have Magic Horn, Will Travel
"Well, lookie what we got here, Wild Rider!" one of the reckless stallions cackled, tipping his hat up so he could get a better look at the smirking Tydal. "Seems to us we have a hero!" the gang of rampaging stallions had taken only a few seconds to realize they weren't alone and the moment they did they had begun to circle Tydal. For his part, the capricorn kept his hat low, only exposing his smiling snout.
"Sure looks that way, Quick Draw!" the large orange stallion said, his dark eyes squinting in the noonday sun. "And we know what we do to heroes, don't we boys!"
“Give’em a welcome basket!” one of the stallions called out. When his comrades just blinked, he added, “Filled with PAIN!”
The rest of the gang cheered in delight and began to close the gap between then and the old goat.
"Oh, is this really happening?" Tydal asked in delight. "Because I really hope it is."
"What's your friend doin'?" Braeburn whispered from his hiding spot in the general store. "He needs to run!"
Luna and Celestia shared a look before the younger sister fell on the ground, laughing so hard it was a wonder her merriment didn't bring the general store crashing down on them.
"Oh... that is too funny," Celestia said, wiping a tear away. “Tydal… running…” She had managed to contain herself but had still nearly laughed herself hoarse. "Shining, could you make it a bit more sporting for Tydal's opponents?"
Shining nodded, his horn flashing as he yanked a few boards away till he could easily stick his face out the window. "Tydal, permission denied!"
The sea god shrugged. "Oh Shining... death would be too quick." The lord of the Mareatine began to roll his neck, working the kinks out. "You know what? Let's make this interesting; I bet I can beat... hmmm, let's say half of you... without taking a single step or using any of my magic."
"Your funeral, big guy," Wild Rider said with a laugh, readying to buck the capricorn into next week.
"By the way, I must say your coltfriend is very handsome. If I were gay I'd be jealous."
"Say what?" Rider exclaimed, so startled by the comment that he forgot what he was doing.
"That son of a wolf? Why in the name of Tartarus would I ever want to be with him?"
"What's wrong with me?" Quick Draw complained. "I ain't good enough for ya?"
"It ain't like that, I just ain't interested in you."
"Why not?" Tydal asked innocently.
Wild Rider gesturing at her partner in crime. "Just look at him! He's all soft and flabby!"
"I told you I'm going through some stuff right now! No need to be mean about it!" Quick Draw sniffed, growing emotional.
"Oh pony feathers, don't be cryin' like a weak-willed mare! We got a hero to kill!"
Quick Draw shook his head. "I don't want to anymore! You were mean to me! I just want to go home and eat some ice cream!"
"Sounds like you are having relationship problems," Tydal stated.
"THEY ARE?!?" a drunk Cadence exclaimed in outrage, popping up next to the sea god. "I'll fix them good!"
Tydal chuckled. "Good girl, give them a blast of love."
"Oh no," Cadence said darkly, approaching the suddenly terrified stallions. "We are going to have to do this the hard way."
"What's the-"
Neither of the stallion's got to finish, as Cadence, with strength she should not have possessed, even being an alicorn, grabbed the two by the scruffs of their necks and forced their lips together. "You will kiss and you will like it! LIKE IT DAMN IT!" She dragged them into the barber shop, the two criminals pleading for mercy. “NOW YOU WILL MOUNT AND LIKE IT! LIKE IT! LOVE AND TOLERATE, YOU LITTLE BITCHES!”
"Two down," Tydal said with a dark grin, turning his head to the remains of the gang. "Who want to try next? Eenie meanie minie..." he locked eyes with a rough looking pegasus pony who had one wing that had clearly been broken early in life and never set properly. "Tell me, have you ever told a lie about a friend?"
The stallion blinked, not expecting that question. "Why... I reckon so." The criminal slowly began to back away from Tydal, making his way closer to an outhouse.
The sea god shook his head sadly. "That's a shame... telling a lie about a friend is the surest way to lose a friend's trust. And that could lose you a friend-"
"FOREVER!" Pinkie screamed, bursting out of the outhouse... and slamming to door right in the pegasus' face, knocking him out. "Wait... this isn't Detrot!" Pinkie pulled a map out of her HammerSpace Inc Saddle Bag and began to look it over. "I knew I should have taken that left turn at Fillydelphia."
Tydal sprang over to the mare, grabbing her tight before leaping towards the tavern. The rest of the gang, finally realizing they should be actually trying to stop the capricorn, began to give chase. "Now then, part two of my cunning plan!" Tydal dropped Pinkie, leaving the pink mare in a daze as he hurried inside the Salt Lick. He emerged a moment later with a barrel of soda pop, which he cracked open and forced Pinkie to drink (of course, it isn't really forcing if the mare in question keeps miming for more. "Fire in the hole!" Tydal cried out, shaking Pinkie several times before throwing her at the charging stallions.
Luna, Celestia, Shining Armor and Braeburn shielded their eyes as a great pink mushroom cloud rose up in the street. When the dust settled all but one of the gang members was knocked out cold, while Pinkie lay on the ground, happily rubbing her tummy.
"URP! That was a good one!" she giggled.
The last of the criminals, a unicorn stallion who looked to be a cross between Rarity and Big Macintosh (now there is a sight that will leave you scratching your head), pawed at the ground before lowering his horn, aiming it right at Tydal.
"Oh, this is going to be good!" Tydal said with a smirk, his own horns charging as raced at his opponent. The stallion released a blast of magic but Tydal ran right through it before bursting out of it, raising is hoof towards his rival. "BOOM SHAKALAKA!" Tydal shouted before knocking the stallion out. The warrior king panted slightly, licking his lips as he looked over the buildings. "You cowards can come out now, I beat them all!"
The townsfolk slowly emerged from their hiding spots (while Tydal grabbed the giggling Pinkie and shoved her into a water trough, which magically sent her back to Ponyville). They looked upon the gang that had caused them so much trouble before letting out a cheer.
"Thank ya kindly, pard'ner!" Braeburn exclaimed. "You done takin' care of those no good, down and out, up ta badness-"
"We get it, you have an accent and folksy slang," Luna grumbled. "Can you please move it along?"
"I sure as sure can, little miss." Braeburn turned to address Tydal (and missed Luna mouthing 'Little?'). "Sir, we are forever in ya debt and I think I speak for all of us here in APPPPLELOOOSA! when I say that we would like to make you the new sheriff."
"You have a sheriff!" a tiny voice called out.
"I meant one not stuck in a hole!"
"Oh."
Tydal stroked his beard. "I don't know... I could be your sheriff... or I could take over as the new scourge of this town and rob you all blind."
Celestia frowned. "Please don't joke about that."
"Who said anything about joking?" Tydal questioned. "With the money we could make off these rubes... no offense-"
"None taken!" Braeburn said happily.
"...we could afford to get put up in some nice hotels and you girls could get a full hooficure and mane styling."
Luna pondered this. "We... did say we would live like other ponies do..."
"Luna!" Celestia snapped.
"Could I get a happy ending?" Cadence asked.
"Why not?" Tydal said.
The solar alicorn pushed her sister and niece aside and glared at her older brother. "If you become a robber baron then we have to stay in this town longer than you will if you are sheriff."
Tydal glanced up at the sun, then down at his tail (which was already beginning to steam). "I have decided to wear your silver star."
"EEEEEEEEHAW!" the townsfolk cheered, stomping their hooves in joy.
"AAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Everyone turned to see Wild Rider and Quick Draw emerge from the barber shop, their stomachs hanging almost to the ground.
"Cadence... what did you do?" Shining whispered.
"I made them get pregnant!" Cadence said with manic glee, never noticing the looks of horror that flashed on her companions faces as the criminals' water broke.
“I’m getting a bit worried about the Prince,” Logic Point said , walking down one of Canterlot Castle’s many hallways.
Sure Step nodded in agreement. “The maid is still having night terrors after walking in on him during his ‘private time’. “
Logic Point sighed in frustration. “And did you hear about some of the new rules he’s come up with?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Photo Finish frowned, lowering her camera. “And why are you banging on my door and bursting into my studio? Photo Finish demands an answer or she shall show you her poker face!”
The guards just gave her a sour look. “Listen, we don’t like it either but the Prince demands that all mares wear socks.”
“But that is simply absurd! I don’t even own any shoes that will go with… those!” The white-maned mare gestured to the green stockings with little boats on them. “Can you not see that Photo Finish is working? She is on the edge of glory!”
“Oh, you can’t wear shoes with them. The Prince says that would take away from the sexy and he has decided to, and I quote, ‘Bring sexy back’.”
“This is truly a bad romance!” Photo Finish exclaimed.
~MC~MC~MC~
Logic Point sighed, hanging his head. “You know, I could have joined the coast guard… the only thing you have to do there is run in slow motion. And with the capricorns back you don’t even have to do that! But NO, ma wanted me to be a royal guard! Well thanks a lot, ma, because now I am stuck serving Blueblood.”
“Well I’m sorry!” Pressure Point, Logic Point’s mom (and a maid in the castle) said with a huff. “I just wanted the best for my boy…” she trotted off, her guilting powers at full (Seriously… you can probably feel them as you are reading this… oh, why have you disappointed Mama Point, dear reader?).
Wall Breaker just shrugged his shoulders, finally deciding to speak up. “It is to be expected. The pressure of being the ruler of Equestria has driven Blueblood insane and he is dragging us along with him into madness.”
“If you know that then why aren’t you doing anything to stop him?” Sure Step exclaimed in frustration.
“My bit is that I am genre savvy. I’m not helpful in any other form.”
Sure Step and Logic Point just looked at each other.
“What if we got him laid?” Sure Step asked suddenly. “Maybe that would ease the tensions he is feeling, fix his issues.”
“All of it?” Wall Breaker asked.
“Well, there is no cure for being an idiot but it could help.”
Logic Point shook his head in disagreement. “I already thought of that. Prince Blueblood states that he wants to have sex with an alicorn and only after he is married.”
“Seriously?” Sure Step said in surprise.
“Yeah, he’s old fashioned like that.”
“But where are we going to find another alicorn? The only three I know of are missing!”
Wall Breaker smirked. “Smash cut to:”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Derpy, I’m back from the store with muffins!” Mary Sue, the red maned, black coat alicorn, called out as she entered her friend’s house, a box from SugarCube Corner hanging from her horn. “Sorry it took so long… that new worker who looks like King Fakeo is really bad at taking orders!”
Derpy trotted out wearing a pair of orange socks, her normally bubbly smile not present. In fact, Mary had never seen Derpy look so utterly… grumpy. “Guess what we all have to wear now,” she said dryly.
“I like’em!” Dinky said, racing into the room with a sock on her head. “Weeeeeee!”
The God Squad Episode 8: The Un-Un-UNforgiven
“So, how long must I be your sheriff?” Tydal asked Braeburn as the cowpony (which meant he was a Pony who lived out west and not the mythical Ponycow, which, like Bighoof, lived only in places where it was hard to get clear photos) led him and the rest of his family into the jailhouse.
“Just until we get Sheriff Silver Star out of that darn hole he was thrown in. The rope delivery should be here in a day or two, tops.”
“And remind me again why we can’t use magic?” Shining asked.
Braeburn frowned. “What’s this ‘magic’ you speak of? You don’t mean sorcery, do you? Because if so, we already lent out our witch-burning kit to Cousin Applejack.”
Cadence blinked. “Wow…”
Tydal nodded, just not having the strength to deal with the stupidity. “Very well, I will be your sheriff. But let it be known that I am firing the hangspony. I like to get my own hooves dirty.”
“We… don’t have a hangspony.”
“Then how do you kill your criminals?”
Braeburn scratched his head. “We don’t rightly do that, Sheriff.”
Luna frowned. “So you imprison them for life?”
“Course not! We just asked them nicely not to do it again!” Braeburn grinned like a brain-damaged idiot (which he was so it was easy).
The 4 deities and Shining Armor just stared at the cowpony, waiting for a punchline.
“You’re… joking, right?” Luna asked.
Said punchline never came.
“Of course not! We here in APPPLELOOOSA! believe that any pony can be redeemed!” Braeburn walked over to cell and opened it up, motioning for the occupant to stand up. "Now then Flasher," Braeburn said sternly, moving away and letting a heavy-set emerald earth pony step out, "I know you are going to be able to lead a good honest life... so I trust I can let ya go."
"Ya can let me go, Braeburn, but I'm still gonna expose myself at elementary school plays,” the stallion said drunkenly.
"Well, I'm just going to have trust that yer wrong there, Flasher."
Tydal watched as the clearly drunk stallion stumbled out of the jailhouse, asking any pony he saw where the nearest playground was. "Shining?"
"Denied," the captain said with a sigh before turning towards the tan earth pony. "How the hay do you expose yourself when you don't wear clothing." Braeburn leaned in and whispered in Shining's ear, the stallion's eyes growing bigger and bigger each passing moment. "By the Creator! That is NOT flashing! That is not flashing at all!"
"What?" Cadence asked, leaning over so Braeburn could whisper in her ear. After a moment Cadence pulled back and, using her magic to grab a wastebasket, heaved. "Wow...” she coughed, wiping her mouth, “I'm a sex addict and even I think that is sick."
The capricorn grinned manically. "Oh, this will be fun! Oh Flasher!"
Luna shook her head as her older brother cantered out to catch up with his prey. "Braeburn, I'd like to talk to the stallions that tried to attack the town."
"Sure thing, Miss Nightdancer!" Braeburn lead them to another cell where marauders were sitting around waiting judgment (and two of them were feeding their newborns). "Howdy boys! Miss Nightdancer here would like to talk to ya about why ya'll have been fixin' to mess around with us here in APPPLELOOOOOSA! instead of being good ponies and joining us in brotherhood."
"Shove off," one of the stallions said.
Luna leaned in close. "It’s either me, the nympho or the new sheriff.”
Cadence tilted her head, pondering the criminals. "This looks like the orgy cage I wanted to install in my basement, but then I lost all that money to a stupid jack on the turn.”
Before she could continue a scream ripped through the air.
"DON'T RUN!' Tydal called out in murderous glee. "DON'T RUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Celestia looked at the criminals through hooded eyes. "My sister's offer does have an expiration date..."
"Is that my torso?" Flasher screamed from outside the jailhouse. "It is! My precious torso!"
"Alright, alright!" Quick Draw said, burping his baby. "What do you want to know?"
"Who hired you to terrorize this town?" Luna asked.
"What... what do you-"
“Not what, who!”
“Please tell me we aren’t going to do the ‘Who’s on First Routine’…” Shining groused.
“The leg bone’s not longer connected to the knee bone!” Tydal sang. “The knee bone’s-“
"I want a straight answer!” Luna said sternly. "If you were doing this on your own you would have been bursting into the houses and taking what you wanted. No... somepony hired you to rampage through town and I want to know who it was and why!"
"We... we can't tell you!" another stallion said nervously. "She'll kill us if we do!"
"Shut up!" Quick Draw snapped.
“No, that isn’t suppose to bend that way!” Flasher screamed outside.
"Cadence, I think they need to come a more tightly knit group," Luna said darkly.
"Okey dokey!" the pink alicorn said, her horn beginning to glow. “Bow chica bow wow-“
"WE GIVE! WE GIVE!" Several of the stallions called out.
"The name!" Luna shouted.
"Thunder Thighs!"
Celestia pushed her sister aside, rattling the bars of the cell in fury. "WHO TOLD YOU THAT NICKNAME?!?!"
Quick Draw trembled, clutching his foal to his breast. "That's who hired us! It isn't a nickname!"
The solar goddess quickly regained her composure. "Of course! I mean, it must be a name... it isn't like I was overweight as a filly and that was my nickname when I was a teenager... that would be silly..." Celestia forced herself to laugh.
"Yeah, sure," Luna said, rolling her eyes. "Thunder Thighs... why did she hire you?"
"We don't know. She just told us she hates ponies and wanted us to make the ponies who live in APPPPLELOOOOSA! suffer."
Shining's brow furrowed. "Why does everypony say it like that?"
"Like what?" Braeburn asked innocently.
"Hates ponies?" Luna asked. "You mean she isn't a pony?"
"She's one of them buffaloes!"
Celestia pursed her lips, turning to Braeburn. "I was under the impression that the townsfolk and the buffalo had settled their differences once they agreed to swear jihad on Pinkie Pie."
"We sure did, Miss Sunny Skies. Don't quite rightly know why that there Thunder Thighs would want to hurt anypony here. Don't done make a lick of sense, I tell ya!"
"How do you get your orders?" Shining Armor asked one of the criminals.
One of the other stallions gulped. "I... I..."
“Do you mind if I borrow this hammer?” Tydal called out, before the sound of shattering bones filled the air.
"You're going to have to speak up, I can’t hear you over the murder," Luna said harshly.
"She meets us a mile outside of town, near Pinprick's Landing."
"I know that place," Braeburn stated. "I can take ya to there if ya'll want me too."
Luna nodded. "Yes... I think we need to have a talk with this Thunder Thighs." The alicorn of the night tapped her horn against the bars. "If I find out you were lying you will wish I had left you for my niece or the sheriff." She did an about-face and marched out of the jailhouse, the others fast on her heels. "We need to hunt down this buffalo as soon as possible... we can't risk her realizing that we have her stallions and getting a new attack party."
Celestia sighed. "I hate to think that my little ponies could inspire some creature to such hatred."
Cadence adjusted her dress, looking about. "Do you think we'll need... protection?"
"I don't think we need condoms, sweetheart," Shining said.
"I meant weapons," Cadence stated with a smirk. "But nice to see your mind is as dirty as mine!"
"Oh, don't you worry none!" Braeburn said, leading them towards a modest large barn. "We got plenty of ammo in here!" The stallion knocked on the door. An elderly mare with glasses so thick it was a wonder her snout didn't fall off from the sheer weight of them answered.
"Why hello, Braeburn. What are you doin' here?"
"I need to get some ammo, Mrs. Cream."
"Alright, if ya say so, Braeburn." The mare shook her head as she trotted back into the barn. "I do wish you young folks wouldn't go hurtin' yourselves as much as you do."
"You have an old woman make your weapons?" Celestia asked in shock.
"Of course, missy! Mrs. Cream is the best dang gum baker in all of APPP-"
"Wait, baker?" Shining said, cutting Braeburn off. "Why would you need..."
"I got the pies for ya, Braeburn. Make sure ya be careful throwin' them at them there buffalo!"
Luna, Celestia, Shining and Cadence stared at the baked goods.
"What... the... (censored)?" Luna said.
Cadence shook her head. "Good thing Tydal isn't here... he'd be pitching a fit."
"What's the matter?" Braeburn asked.
"You... use pies... as weapons?" Luna asked.
"Of course, Miss Nightdancer! Pies are a dangerous-"
Luna grabbed one and smashed it against her face.
"Lordy lord she done killed herself!" Mrs. Cream shouted.
“NOOOOO!!!” Braeburn sobbed. “I never told her that I loved her!”
"I'm fine," Luna said, using her magic to clean her face. "See... pies can't kill ponies."
"... maybe she be a witch!" Mrs. Cream exclaimed.
“I was in love with a witch? Noooooo!”
Shining's expression soured. "Twilight was right: everypony in this country is crazy!"
"Sister..." Luna said as Mrs. Cream and Braeburn argued about how to burn witches, "how long have our subjects been using food as weapons of mass destruction."
Celestia leaned in close, hissing, "Ok, so you've seen how stupid they are. You honestly think I'd let any of them near an actual sword?"
"...good point," Shining conceded.
"Should we interrupt them?" Cadence asked. Braeburn and Mrs. Cream were in a heated debate about whether a witch weighed as much as a duck.
"Let's just find Tydal and go kick some buffalo behind," Luna grunted.
“Brother, this is truly a great idea!” Flim said as they stood in line at the Canterlot Patent Office.
“Indeed, Brother!” Flam said, stroking his mustache. “We were quite foolish to be challenging ponies like that, what with the angry mobs and the chances for us to be struck by enraged farmers who were insulted by our kind offers.”
“Plus gas is rather expensive and our nice little wagon only gets 2 miles to the gallon.”
Flam nodded, his magic wrapped firmly around the packet of papers the two of them had brought. “Why waste time operating the The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 when we can just get it patented and sell it to the farmers for a large profit?”
Flim grinned as he thought of all the money that would soon be flowing into their hats. “And if we make sure it breaks down after every few seasons we’ll be able to make money hand over fist by selling replacement parts.” Neither of the brothers questioned what a hand or a fist was and why the phrase wasn’t ‘hoof over hoof’.
“And don’t forget the idea Trixie came up with at the Enemies of Harmony Anonymous meeting!” Flam stated. “We wait 6 months then roll out The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 7000 and get all the ponies lining up again to buy what is basically the same product but with new apps!”
Apps, of course, stood for Apple Producing Procedures.
"Ah, that was a very good summary of your backstory!" Wall Breaker (who was going to get his new line of wing guards patented) said.
"Why, what do you mean?" Flim asked.
"Well, you already know why you are here and discussed all of this many times... so the only reason you would say what you just said moments ago is because you need to let the readers know what is going on."
“Next,” a heavy set cerulean earth pony said dryly, motioning for the two stallions to step forward and NOT ask Wall breaker what the heck he was talking about. “Name?”
“Well, I am Flim!”
“And I am Flam!”
“And we are the Flim Flam Brothers!”
“Flip and Spam, alright. And why ya here today sirs?”
The brothers blinked, not sure how to deal with the clearly bored mare that was manning the counter. “Uh… my brother and I are here because we want a film a patent on our The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.”
“Our The?” The clerk (Mrs. Bureaucracy) asked in confusion.
“That’s its name… The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. The is part of the name.” Flim took off his hat and placed it against his chest. “It would be a dishonor to call such an amazing machine anything but its full name. Isn’t that right brother?”
“That’s right brother!”
“…uh huh. You need to go upstairs and get form E and then come back here.”
The brothers shared a look before turning towards Mrs. Buracaucracy and flashing her twin smiles. “Now then, my dear lady…” Flam said happily, using the smoothest of smooth talk, “…we’ve been waiting for hours to get to this window. Is there any way we could just have you give us a form E so we could save some time?”
“Are you trying to charm a low-level government worker?”
Flim ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. “Yeah… I don’t think we thought that one through. Well brother, it looks like we are in trouble.”
“Indeed, and when we both are in trouble, you know it gets doubled.”
“That’s something we all know,” Flim began to sing.
“So we must go!” Flam declared, before he found his mouth clamped shut by Mrs. Bureaucracy.
“… singing in a government building… you’ll need Form 15 G and have it signed Record Keeper on the 5th floor…”
The God Squad Episode 13: The Good, The Bad, and the Alicorn
“Well, we are almost there. Just another half mile away from APPPLELOOSA! and we’ll be at Pinprick’s Landing!”
Luna glared at the cowpony. “We are trying to be stealthy, Braeburn… could you not scream out the name of your town every time you open your mouth?”
“Ok, I won’t mention APPPPLELOOOOOSA! again!”
Shining Armor rolled his eyes and adjusted his hat. “Why did we bring him again?”
“He knows the way,” Celestia said.
“He’ll make a good living shield,” Tydal stated at the same time.
“He’s pretty to look at and I like staring at pretty things,” Cadence announced, taking a good long leer at Braeburn’s flank. “Shining, can we do one of those Freebie Cheater lists?”
“Forget I asked,” Shining grumbled. He trotted forward till he was matching Luna step for step. “What is the plan, Princess? How are we going to deal with this Thunder Thighs?”
Luna smirked. “I’ve come up with a plan.”
“…so we are doomed.”
“Why does everypony get so scared when I say I have a plan?”
“Maybe because we all have decent memories?” Celestia stated. “You must admit, little sister, that your plans rarely work.”
“My plans always work, just not how you would expect.”
“Or you would expect,” Tydal groused, his horns glowing as he used his magic to pull his hat down just a bit more. Even thought the sun had nearly set the capricorn still felt like a piece of tuna sitting in a fry pan with only a slab of butter to keep him company. He'd lost alot of his natural fluids fighting the raiders and what little was in his canteen was not helping. “Remember the incident with the cake?”
“Do not bring that up!” Luna screeched.
“What cake?” Cadence asked.
“Well, my dear sisters were raised by myself and Merida after our mother dumped them on me so she could go work on her tan. Celestia was a filly and Luna was quite a trouble-causing foal-“
“Tydal… do not say another word!” the lunar princess shouted, wheeling around and jabbing her hoof into the capricorn’s chest. “I mean it! You say one word and I will…”
“You’ll what?” the sea god said with a smirk.
“I’ll… I’ll… I’ll make sure the moon always shines in your eyes when you try and sleep!” She leaned forward, and whispered, “And I’ll tell everypony in Equestria about your teddy bear.”
“You leave Tydal Jr. out of this,” Tydal snapped. “And besides, you gave him to me on ‘Big Brother Who Raises Me’ Day!”
“I still think you made that holiday up.”
“You mean ‘Big Brother Who Raised Me’ Day isn’t real?” Shining asked sadly, thinking of all the gifts Twilight had gotten him. “No… no I refuse to believe that!”
Luna gave her big brother the most sickeningly sweet smile she could. “Tydal… if you say one more word I will tell Coral you want to play dress up.”
The lord of the capricorns shuddered as he thought of going to another one of his fully grown daughter’s tea parties and having to wear makeup and a dress. “Fine… not funny foal stories from me.”
Luna nodded in satisfaction.
“Luna was about 10 months old,” Celestia said, smiling as she saw the horrified look slowly blossom on her sister’s face. “Merida had just made a seafoam cake and my dear baby sister decided she wanted a piece, even though we’d been told not to.”
“TIA!” Luna squealed.
“You didn’t say I couldn’t tell it,” Celestia said politely, before continuing. “She toddled away when none of us were looking and… well, when we came into the dining room we found little Lulu’s head stuck in the cake with her tiny legs thrashing about! There was frosting all over the floor and walls…”
“I will skin you alive and use your hide as a blanket!” Luna screamed, chasing after her giggling sister.
“These our are rulers,” Shining muttered.
Tydal shook his head. “They are nearly 1,800 years old and they still act like children.” He watched the two sisters race about the desert and couldn’t help but smile; it was clear to all those that saw him that he cared for the two as if they were his own kids. They practically were; he’d raised them and taught them and been there through scrapped knees and break hearts. He had been their only father and his loss had broken them… and his return had freed them.
“1800?” Braeburn whispered.
The capricorn smirked. “That’s nothing. I’m pushing 4000.”
Braeburn let out a long whistle. “You must have one fancy plastic surgeon. Listen, I’ve been meaning to get some work done on my flank-“
“As have I,” Thunder Thighs said. The massive buffalo stepped out from behind a rock formation, smirking slightly. One glance at her thick and powerful thighs showed that she had been properly named. “Nice of all of you to drop in…”
The group suddenly realized that while Luna and Celestia had been fighting Thunder Thighs’ new team of stallions had managed to sneak up on them and had them surrounded.
“I can take’em,” Tydal stated.
“Yes, but the rest of us will die while you do so,” Shining grunted.
“That is a risk I am willing to take.”
Luna huffed, letting go of Celestia (she’d managed to wrap her foreleg around her sister’s neck and had been giving her a noogie when the ambush had occurred) and stepping forward. “Let me try…” The lunar princess cleared her throat. “Miss Thunder Thighs… I understand why you are attacking APPPPLELOOOOSA! and why-“ Luna blinked in horror. “APPPLEOOOOSA! APPPPLELOOOOOOSA! By the Creator, now I’m doing it!”
Cadence began to splash the contents of her canteen on Luna’s face. “The power of crust compels you! The power of crust compels you!”
“Stop that!” Luna complained, licking her lips (even as Tydal stared at the wasted liquid and wept). “Wait… Cadence, are you drinking vodka?”
“…maybe?”
Thunder Thighs tapped her hoof on the ground. “Uh… could you maybe pay attention to me? I am kinda holding you captive.”
“Oh… sorry.” Luna cleared her throat. “As I said, I understand why you hate the settlers; after spending just the day with them I want to kill them too. Heck, you want to eat Braeburn? You can have him, free of charge.”
“I bet I’d make a TAAAASSSSTY stew!” the brain-addled stallion said happily.
Thunder Thighs shook her head. “Sorry, I’m on the Atkins Diet.”
“Well… I still understand why you hate the settlers. But you have to realize… you lost. You were the inferior species and we ponies kicked your hides.”
Shining’s jaw dropped. Tydal began to bang his head against a rock. Celestia could only gasp at the sheer stupidity/racism of Luna’s comments. Cadence was taking a shot from her flask.
“But I’ll make you a deal!” Luna said happily, her horn glowing. “Which mountain is most sacred to you?” Thunder Thighs pointed to one to their right and Luna focused her magic on it. Within moments, the faces of Celestia, Starswirl the Bearded, Tydal, and herself appeared carved out of the rock. “There… we made your sacred mountain a tourist attraction!”
“…boil them in oil!” Thunder Thighs roared.
“Well, this certainly feels like one of your plans!” Tydal snapped as the stallions began to drag out a pot of oil.
“Wait… what if we name our baseball team after you? The Canterlot Buffalo! We could slap your face on our hats!”
“Hurry it up with that oil!” Thunder Thighs shouted.
“Do you mind if I try before we find out if immortality carries over to being deep fried?” Celestia asked. When Luna nodded her consent (it took a few extra seconds as Luna was currently being breaded by several of Thunder’s boys. “Thunder Thighs, why do you want to destroy Appleloosa? I thought the buffalo had a peace deal with them.”
“Destroy what place?” Thunder asked.
Celestia sighed. “APPPPLELOOOOSA!”
“Oh, that.” Thunder Thighs, for being the head of a terrorist group that was attacking an innocent town, was rather polite and she happily sat down next to the deities (and Shining and Braeburn) and politely laid out her long tale of woe. “I was bored.”
Ok, it wasn’t that long…
“That’s your reason?” Shining complained. “You’re bored?”
“Indeed,” Thunder Thighs said. “There is nothing to do here… so I decided to become a criminal. Rather fun, too! I have minions… say hi, minions!”
“Hi minions!” the stallions called out.
“Aren’t they cute?” Thunder squealed.
“Charming,” Tydal grumbled as he was covered in batter.
Thunder didn’t notice the sarcasm. “I spend my days plotting out my evil schemes and thinking about how I’ll turn APPPPLELOOSA into a parking lot for my new casino,” Luna coughed ‘stereotypical’ at that, “and making strange bets with ponies.”
“Strange bets, you say?” Celestia said. “Would you… care to make one with us now?”
Thunder Thighs quickly waved off her men, who were already grabbing a giggling Cadence (who was into food play) and preparing to toss her into the oil (which wasn’t hot but would make her coat all slick and greasy. “What kind of bet?”
Celestia pointed her horn at the beat up wagon Thunder’s minions had used to bring in the oil. “I bet you the fate of Appleloosa that my family and I can get that cart to Manehatten in under 2 days… with no magic or flight.”
“Well… that is very interesting…” Thunder said (she apparently had a bigger gambling problem than Cadence). “And… if you lose?”
“You get the town and can eat Braeburn,” Celestia said smugly. “And Luna will shave her head.”
Luna glared at her sister as the white alicorn walked over to the cart and began to prep it. “Are you insane? I could care less about the town or Breaburn, no offense…”
“None taken, Miss Nightdancer!” Braeburn said happily.
“…but my mane is my main thing. Get it, it’s a joke. I’d laugh at my joke but this is serious!”
Celestia rolled her eyes as she began to check over the straps, slipping them onto her back. “Relax… we will be able to win with ease!”
Meanwhile, out of ear shot, one of the minions walked up the Thunder Thighs. “You want to give them a chance or resort to cheating like usual.”
Clean Mug looked at his old friend, passing him another ice cold cider. While most of the crystal ponies were depressed, Clean Mug and a few of his friends had learned that alcohol could fix that right up (nothing cures depression like a depressant!). "Come on now, don't be like that. I think you have a great name!"
"Ha! You wouldn't think it so great if you had to live with all the confusion."
"I'll admit, it might lead to... some issues."
"Some issues?" the other stallion complained. "My name is Rim Job."
"Right... as in you create custom rims for chariots. Spinners, jeweled ones... they are some of the best in the empire." Rimmy gave Clean Mug a sour look. "Alright, so some perverts keep getting confused... I think you are making too big of a deal of it."
"Too big of a deal?!? I have minators calling me up wanting to know if I'll work the shaft! I try and explain that the only shaft I work is a drive shaft and the only lube I use is for the bearings but-"
"WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Clean Mug and Rimmy turned, staring at the shadowy figure that had entered the Prancing Human Tavern. Darkness seemed to cling to the stranger's form, save for the blood red horn on his head and his piercing green eyes (which were most likely that color because of contacts). They both stared at the newcomer before slowly turning away and continuing their conversation.
Needless to say, the newcomer was not happy as such disregard.
"How dare you turn your backs on me? Do you know who I am?"
"Unless you are the delivery man with my pretzels... no, I don't care," Clean Mug said.
"I am King Sombra!" the dark unicorn declared, stepping forward so they could see his blood red horn and mighty armor. His wicked eyes looked upon them, hungrily trying to suck in their souls. "I have returned to the Crystal Empire and-"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Uh... what are you doing?" Sombra said, staring at the two stallions, who were at that moment rolling on the bar floor, laughing it up.
"Look at you!" Clean Mug giggled. "You look like an anime villain!"
"No, no!" Rimmy exclaimed. "Power Rangers!"
Clean Mug blinked. "Who?"
"...sigh... the Super Sentai. Friggin' weaboo."
"Hey! You should be cowering before me!" Sombra exclaimed. "I am the lord of shadows! Master of darkness."
Clean Mug slowly rose back up and trotted back behind the bar (he'd laughed so hard he'd fallen over it) and began to inspect his glassware. "Listen, I am sure you thought it was cute to dress up in your little Halloween costume and try to play evil monster but this is Equestria, mate, and that just won't cut it."
Sombra gnashed his teeth together in frustration. "I am the dark king! Ruler of darkness-"
"Nightmare Moon, buddy." Rimmy got back on his stool. "Seriously, darkness is so two years ago. I mean, it got surpassed by eternal sunshine and even that is cliche now."
"Then there was eternal twilight but that just led to sparkly vampires."
The dark king took a step forward, his horn glowing like a roman candle. "I tell you this: if you do not before me I will bring chaos to these lands-"
"Discord."
"No, chaos."
Rimmy shook his head. "No, I mean Discord. As in the spirit of disorder and the god of chaos. The elements of harmony beat him a year ago."
"Now there was an interesting looking villain," Clean Mug said.
"Wait, how do you know all this if the Crystal Empire was gone for a thousand years?" Sombra asked.
"I'm pen pals with The Doctor," Clean Mug said.
"Oh." Sombra considered his options. "What if I brainwash all of you and feed-"
"Chrysalis."
"Son of a wolf!" Sombra exclaimed.
"Listen, I am trying to run a bar here... if you aren't going to get anything to drink..."
Sombra walked over and pulled out some bits. "Oh, sorry! Here, I'll take a mug of cider... and get one for you and your friend."
"Thanks!" Rimmy said.
Sombra nodded, taking out his Notebook of Evil (patent pending). "Let's see... what if I create a great cloud that covers the sun and-"
"Dragon did it and the Element of Harmony mare-slapped him out of the country."
"Shoot." Sombra began to hoof through his notes. "Uh... what if I kidnap a pony and make her look for jewels-" He saw the looks the two stallions were givin him and the king frowned. "Right... oh! I have it! I'll frame a beloved TV clown! I'll rob a Quik-E-Mart dressed as him-"
"Simpsons did it."
"AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"
The God Squad Episode 14: Smokey and the Luna
"So... we are just going to abandon the town, right?" Luna asked her sister. The two of them were hitched to the wagon, pulling it along the desert. Tydal was lying huddled under a blanket in the bed of the wagon, panting as the sun beat down on him. Every other pony was walking near by, doing little better than the capricorn in the heat.
"Of course not... we have to help them!" Celestia said.
"Why?" Luna asked.
"Because we are good, divine rulers."
"...pull the other one."
"Ok, fine!" Celestia grunted, the wagon creaking behind them as they made their way up a small hill. "Sheriff Silver Star took out insurance on the stupid town and if it is destroyed I have to pay up. It's my own fault, really, for declaring that I would run that insurance firm and then banishing all other firms from the country."
"And we also don't want to townfolks hurt, right?" Shining said.
"Screw them!" Luna exclaimed (Cadence flashed a huge grin, only for Shining to touch her shoulder and shake his head no). "They are all inbred morons! If I could find a pot big enough to shove them all in I would!" She turned to Braeburn. "Some offense."
"Don't you mean no offense?"
Luna shrugged.
"Could we kindly move faster?" Tydal groused. "I would like to not die if that is possible!"
"Aw, does the sea god hate the sand?" Shining teased.
"When we get to the Mareatine I am going to hold you under until the bubbles stop!" Tydal roared, before curling up tighter and pulling the blanket over more of his crispy body.
"Big sister... how do you hope to win this bet? We are obviously fast enough to pull the cart but we are princesses so we won't do it."
Celestia smiled at Luna, patting her on the head. "Don't worry, little sister... we are going to get a friend to help."
"And who is that?" Luna said, worry coloring her words (Celestia tended to have weird friends... like dragons or monsters or Twilight Sparkle).
"Hey there baby," a stallion said, emerging from a trap door in the desert (which was more expensive to install than one would think). "Did someone mention sex on legs?"
"No, no one said my name," Cadence said innocently.
Celestia undid the hitch and walked over to the stallion He was a dark blue and had a big, dark mustache that covered most of his face below his nose; he wore a big brown cowboy hat and a red jacket over his frame. There was a cocky air about him and it seemed that every step he took was full of swagger. The only thing marring the image were the stuffed frog and snowman that sat on his back.
"It is good to see you, Bandit," Celestia said happily, giving him a hug.
"Good ta see ya too, Celli baby," The Bandit gave Luna a long leer, prancing over to her. "Well, hello." Luna's horn flared and she blasted him with a Pepper Spray Spell. The bandit merely laughed and wiped his eyes. "You get sprayed as much as I do and it no longer hurts ya. I'm actually starting to enjoy it." The Bandit looked over the group, eyebrow raised. "Now then, Celli... what is it you want from me? Can't imagine you are here for a friendly chat or a booty call."
"No and maybe later," Celestia said. "I've got myself in a bit of a jam. I've made a bet with a local gangster, Thunder Thighs, that my family and I could get this cart to Manehattan. We need the best driver we can get leading the way."
"And baby, you came to the right place. I assume you will pay me."
"You assume wrong," Tydal grumbled from under the blanket.
"Your quilt has an attitude problem."
Shining shook his head. "You have no idea."
"Come on now... you know the deal... you want The Bandit to help you, ya got to pay him his fair share."
"We'll give you Braeburn," Luna said casually.
"We will?" Cadence said in surprise.
"Not like any of us want him."
Shining nodded. "That's true."
"Yup," Celestia said.
"Who are you calling a quilt?" Tydal snapped.
The Bandit slowly walked around the confused Braeburn, opening his mouth to check him for disease and inspecting is flank. "Well... she is a masculine filly but I'll take her."
"I'm not a-" Braeburn never got to finish, as Luna used her magic to seal his mouth shut.
"Now then, let's get the heck to Manehattan!"
~A Day Later...~
"And I rode on a wagon with a horse with no name, I sure do wish it would rain!" Cadence sang.
"Please... make her stop," Luna whimpered (it was well known that the moon goddess preferred smooth jazz).
"In the desert... I can't remember the horse's name... so I call him Wiggles so he won't complain...."
The captain of the guard stared at his wife. "Cadence, sweetie... my name is Shining Armor, not Wiggles."
"Lalala! La! Lalalala!" Cadence belted out, a mute Braeburn (Luna still had sealed his mouth shut and only let him eat when the Bandit wasn't around) humming along happily.
"Well, it's official, she's suffering from heat stroke," Luna complained.
"Tydal isn't faring any better," Celestia said.
"How can you tell?" Shining asked.
"YOUR MOTHER POLISHES HORNS IN TARTARUS!" Tydal screamed, his dark eyes flashing with rage before he fell back down, stroking the wagon and murmuring about water, his scaled tail flopping against the wood panels.
"Just a feeling," Celestia said dryly. "We need to get to Manehattan now before Cadence goes nuts and Tydal-"
"-goes more nuts?" Shining offered.
"Pretty much. It will take more than this too kill him but it is still cruel to leave him out in the sun like this."
"Maybe you should stop shining the sun so brilliantly then," Luna said in a huff.
"Daisy... Daisy... give me your answer true!" Cadence sang happily.
"My sun provides life!"
"Tell that to our brother!"
"Better than your moon... at least I don't inspire lame werewolves and emo vampires!"
"No, you just make them sparkle!"
Tydal began to squirm. "I will never let a clam marry my daughter!" Celestia and Luna held him down, waiting for the fit to pass. "Water... please give me water... Shining, I'll do anything for water... I'll suck your-"
"Bandit!" Shining Armor called out in a panic. "We need to go faster, now!"
"Going as fast as I can!" the rogue stallion called out. "Taking some shortcuts too. We should be out of the desert a hour."
Shining nodded, turning back to his wife who was staring at her hoofs and giggling. "Cadence... sweetie... hold on, ok?"
"Shiny..." Cadence said sweetly. "I will suck your-"
"You stay away from my gerbil, you harlot!" Tydal screamed, trying to attack Cadence by headbutting her hooves. Braeburn watched the entire thing while humming the theme to SHAFT (can you dig it?).
"Can this trip get any worse?" Luna said. Her eyes widened the moment she said the words, realizing she had just brought upon the dreaded and cliched 'Can this get any worse' curse upon them.
They didn't have to wait long. A bolt of magical energy ripped through the air, nearly striking Celestia and leaving a crater in the desert floor. Luna, Celestia, Shining and Braeburn turned to see a golden stallion in a brown sherrif's uniform chasing after them at full gallop, his horn blazing with fire.
"Who the hay is that?" Shining called out over the wind that whipped about them.
"Just an old friend!" Bandit called out. "I bet Thunder Thighs sent him after us. Name is Butane T. Justice... he loves nothing more than catching criminals and burning them alive."
"Why is he chasing us?" Shining asked. "None of us-oh by the Creator you're a criminal, aren't you?"
"My name is The Bandit... of course I am a criminal!"
"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when the come for you?" Cadence sang.
Canterlot. The city of the alicorns, of the elite, of the powerful… of the rich snobs that would cry if they had to face a quarter of the things a normal pony shrugged off. At Lemonseed’s Bistro, two such ponies were sitting down to a nice meal.
"I must say, when I got the invitation to dine for free at this restaurant, I was not expecting the food to be so exquisite!"
Jet Set's wife, Upper Crust, nodded her head in agreement. "The oat soup is simply divine, my dear. I swear, it alone could be a full meal!"
"Yes... you can really taste the multitude of flavors every time you take a sip." Jet Set took another sip, savoring the mouthful.
Upper Crust frowned, looking down at her spoon. "Really? I would say it is a well made broth but I do not taste a multitude of flavors."
"How can you not?" Jet Set exclaimed, wondering if his wife’s pallet was truly weaker than he had thought. "Why, I get a woody texture, along with a touch of sweet grass and a melody of rose pedals and olive leaves!"
"I taste none of that," Upper Crust complained. "All I taste is almonds..."
Jet Set frowned but before he could question his wife's pallet the waiter arrived, refilling their glasses. "Sir, might I ask that you pass my thanks along to your employer for the free meal. I will gladly return here as a paying customer."
"I will pass along your praise but I can not give your thanks."
"Beg pardon?"
"I am afraid that we are not the one paying for the meal." The waiter passed over a slip of paper. "Your benefactor refused to give his name and would only provide this when we asked for a title."
Jet Set opened the slip and found, of all things, the mark of the Assassins' Brotherhood. "Upper Crust, what do you make of... my dear?"
Upper Crust's eyes had rolled back in her head and bloody foam gurgled from her lips. A girlish scream ripped through the air (coming from waiter) and all turned as Upper Crust slumped down, her face coming to rest in her arsenic soup.
"I know you are dying but please, darling, do so with a bit more dignity! We are in public!" Jet Set complained.
From high upon a rooftop, Angel the Bunny, aka Angelo Bunnitore de Ponyville watched on, nose twitching before he disappeared into the shadows.
The God Squad Episode 15: Cannonball Shark Jumping
"You know, I made a list of ways I'd like to die!" Shining held on tight to the trembling wagon as Bandit took a sharp turn and nearly sent the entire structuring flipping side over side. "I mean, I wanted to just be prepared, you know?"
"Prepared for what?" Celestia shouted over the rumble of the wagon wheels.
"You know... if Death gave me a chance to pick my fate. I would hate to be put on the spot if the Reaper suddenly appeared and told me to choose my method of expiration."
"You honestly think that would happen?" Luna called out, ducking just as a blast of magic came flying at her.
"I never thought I would be married to a nympho princess! Life has a way of surprising you." Shining glanced over at his heat stroke-infected bride, who was currently singing the Zebrica national anthem. "I had a lot of good deaths on my list... dying from too much sex-"
"Considering who you are married too that is a good possibility," Luna groused, turning to fire a blast of magic at Butane T. Justice, the crazy lawstallion that was on their tails.
"Or being crushed under yummy chocolate or being mauled by sexed up supermodels... but being shot by a crazy unicorn while trying to restrain a delirious capricorn doesn't even come close to cracking the Top 10!" Shining reached down, slamming his hooves on Tydal's tail before the thrashing capricorn could cut his leg off.
"Shows how much you know about Equestria! This was one of the main causes of death a thousand years ago." Celestia quickly threw up a shield, just managing to intercept several of Justice's shots. "I think it went heart disease, the trots, Tydal/Luna not getting enough sleep and this."
"I think I was higher up than the trots," Luna complained.
"Weed! Weed and gay marriage as far as the eye can see!" Tydal called out before trembling and sobbing like a foal. The capricorn was suffering worse from the heat than all of them, having lapsed into a semi-lucid state due to the lack of water and the intense blaze.
"We really need to get to a lake or something," Shining muttered, checking his empty canteen for the 15th time and confirming it was still out of water (he was still hoping the bottled water fairy was real and she would magically make so H2O appear).
"We are about 2 miles out!" Bandit called out. "As long as nothing bad happens-"
"Jinx! I call jinx!" Luna called out quickly, praying she could head off the bad luck.
"STAMPEDE!" Braeburn (who'd managed to finally pry his mouth open after Luna had sealed it shut) called out from the front of the wagon, pointing ahead of them. The princesses and the royal guardsman looked out along the desert and saw, to their horror, that a stampede of stallions being led by Thunder Thighs was fast approaching them. "Oh, why didn't we bring some pies to throw at them?"
"For the last time pies are not weapons!" Luna shouted. “They are tasty treats that are enjoyed by the young and old! Stop suggesting we use them as weapons!”
“…what about donuts?”
Luna grabbed Braeburn and began to wiggle him in the air. “Here you go, Mr. Justice! A nice juicy target!”
The Bandit managed to skid to a stop, the wagon just barely missing him, and the princesses hurried down. Shining erected (heehee… erected) a shield around them just as Justice came charging towards them and Thunder Thighs’ gang stopped a few short yards away.
“What the hay is going on here?” Celestia complained, tapping her horn against the forcefield. “You said we had two days to get to Manehattan… it hasn’t even been 24 hours!”
Thunder Thighs shrugged. “Well, originally I was just going to cheat. That’s why I told Butane here about the Bandit, since I knew you would go to him for help.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“… I don’t know! The point is, I realized that making bets like that is stupid. So, I decided just to kill all of you and be done with it.”
“That is surprisingly smart,” Luna stated.
“Stop complimenting the gangster,” Shining hissed.
“Now then… please drop your shield and I will make your death quick and painless.”
Braeburn laughed. “I’m afraid you’re the one that is going to get a painful death-“
“Don’t say it,” Luna moaned.
“-via pies! APPPPPLELOOOOSA! ASSEMBLE!”
From seemingly out of no where the entire population of Appleloosa suddenly (and conveniently) appeared to the right of Thunder Thighs’ group, armed to the teeth with pies (but ironically they weren’t using their teeth to eat the pies… and by ironic I mean the Alanis Moressette way and not the real ironic). The townsfolk readied their weapons, each flaky crust filled with death (and apples).
“Miss Sunny Days and I knew that something like this might happen, so we decided to have the townsfolk follow and ambush ya at your own ambush!” Braeburn bragged.
Celestia shrugged. “What can I say… I like to scheme.”
“Well… looks like we have a good ol’ fashion standoff!” Bandit said, rolling his shoulders and preparing for battle.
“Yes… this could go on for hours,” Justice declared, the two sides staring down each other. "And hours and hours-"
“No…” Tydal moaned, slowly rising up, his eyes blood red as his fury burst forth. “No… NOOOOOO!!!" Magic violently burst from his horns, forcing everyone to back away. "I need water… I need water now and you will not deny me!” He threw back his head and everyone was blinded by a blast of blue-green light. When it cleared, the two sides found a third group had arrived: the entire capricorn royal guard, being led by Princesses Coral and Misty.
“Daddy!” Coral giggled bouncing over to the bubble her father was in. “Huh… you look all dry and crunchy. Can I nibble on your leg, it looks yummy!”
“Are you ok, dad?” Misty (the more sane and rational of the twins) asked in concern.
“No…" Tydal leaned against the forccefield, stroking it. "Daddy needs you to do him a big-kid favor… I want you to violently murder everypony here, harvest the water from their bodies and let me drink it.”
Coral blinked. “… okie dokey!”
“You heard the king! Leave no survivors!” Misty called out as the capricorn army turned and faced down Thunder Thighs horde and the townsfolk. The capricorns began to bellow, their tails thrashing as they readied themselves for a bloodbath.
“Time to show you how we do this, APPPPPLELOOOSA! Style!” Braeburn declared, holding a pie in each hoof and daring somepony to come at him.
“HOLD IT!” Shining Armor called out, forming more bubbles around the three armies. “Don’t you all see what is happening here? Things have gotten way too insane and silly! There is no way this can continue! If it does I fear for reality itself!” Everypony, buffalo and capricorn sadly looked away, chastised (and disappointed they wouldn't get a fight). Shining, sensing that he was being listened to, continued. “Now then… I think if we all sit down and have a rational discussion-“
He never got to finish, as at that moment the TARDIS landed beside him and Twilight burst out in a full panic. “Shiny, Princess Celestia, I need your help!”
“Twiley, what the-“
“The dalek empire found out about Rollypolly and now they want to take him back!” Rollypolly, the dalek Twilight had adopted (a long story…) hurried out of the TARDIS alongside a befuddled Doctor and rolled over to the unicorn, who gave it a hug. “I need your help fighting them off! I am not giving up my baby!”
“My faithful student,” Celestia said, “I would love to help but sometimes you must fight your own battles. Also, I am in the middle of a war between three armies so I am a touch busy.”
“Oh,” Twilight said, finally realizing that they weren’t alone. “Uh… could you all maybe wait and solve my problem first?”
“Ego much?” Luna muttered.
Thunder Thighs shrugged. “I guess so. Do any of you mind if we wait on our war while they settle her's?” The capricorns and the townsfolk shrugged. “Well then, I guess we can-“
“That is the one!” a high pitched voice squealed. Everypony turned (yet again) and watched as a battalion of daleks landed on the OTHER side of Luna and her group. The lead dalek, who was wearing an apron and had a blonde wig on her metal shell, pointed her eyestalk at Twilight. “That is the purple hussy that stole my baby!”
“Rollypolly staying with Mama Sparkle!” the baby dalek squealed.
“That’s right! You’ll have to come through me and these other three armies who I am going to force to fight my battle!” Twilight shouted, her horn flashing as she removed Shining's shields. She moved to stand in front of her baby and lit up her horn (which isn’t as naught as it sounds).
“Wait, so we are fighting together now?” Thunder Thighs asked Misty as their two sides joined the townsfolk in facing down the dalek empire.
“Looks like it.”
“Did none of you listen to anything I said?” Shining complained.
“NO!” everyone else shouted before charging at each other, screaming bloody murder. There were lasers and pies and fish tails and there was even a shark riding on a pony, throwing nets at anything that moved. Misty was riding on one of the daleks while Coral was dancing about the battlefield, blasting aliens. Thunder Thighs and Braeburn were back to back countering attacks while Twilight had somehow ended up on top of the wagon, using Butane’s limp body as a club to beat back the daleks that were trying to swarm her. Luna was summoning bats to attack anything that annoyed her and Celestia had donned armor that made her look like Nightmare Moon, calling upon the rays of the sun to ‘destroy the metal thingies’. Tydal was on the ground licking at any puddle of blood he could find, desperate for water. The Bandit, for his part, was over on the side with the Appleloosa school mare, asking her to go get some coffee with him after the fight.
Shining lowered his head in defeat. “You know what? I give up! I’m going to bash my head against the ground till I put myself in a coma. Enjoy being insane.” The stallion lay on his belly, raising his head up to begin the smashing. He never got started as he spotted in the sky, of all things, Scootaloo, who was leading a band of birds towards the battle.
“Sing the song of battle and let the war be joined!” the filly cried out.
Scootaloo’s Army On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim I had to stop for the night
“The Eagles are coming!” Cadence shouted happily, waving a trident in the air. Shining just stared at the madness (which was epic and would take 10,000 words to describe...) before he just sighed and began to strike his head against the ground over and over.
Scootaloo's Army Welcome to the hotel california Such a lovely place Such a lovely face Plenty of room at the hotel california Any time of year, you can find it here
~MC~MC~MC~
“Shining… Shining!”
Shining Armor groaned, blinking as he tried to clear his vision. It took him a few minutes to realize he was in a hospital bed, his forehead bandaged up tightly and a heart monitor attached to his left foreleg.
“He’s awake!” Cadence called out and Shining found himself surrounded by Luna, Celestia, and Tydal. “Oh honey, we were so worried about you after you hit your head like that!”
“Wait…hit my head?” He smiled in relief. “You mean all of that was a dream?”
“All of what was a dream?” Luna asked, confused.
“The war between the capricorns and that buffalo and the daleks…”
Celestia laughed. “Oh… no, that really did happen.”
Shining’s smile fell. “What?”
“It really happened… t’was a glorious battle!” Tydal was sipping on a red smoothie held tightly by his magic, nearly moaning in delight as he got his fluid levels back up to their proper levels.
“You mean we really fought in a battle with 5 armies?” Shining asked.
“Who’s this ‘we’ you speak of?” Luna asked in annoyance. “We all fought… you smashed your head into the ground like a wuss.”
Cadence nodded happily. “Yeah… it escalated pretty quickly. I killed a dalek with a trident!”
“You know, you might want to lay low for a while… I think you are wanted for murder on 12 different planets,” Luna said.
“Oh, leave her be! I’m glad she did that; if she hadn’t that dalek would have gotten me!” Celestia nuzzled the pink alicorn. “You saved my flank back there.”
“You saved my flank earlier!” Cadence stated solemnly.
Shining’s head felt like it was going to burst.
“By the way, before you ask… yes, this smoothie is red for the exact reasons you are thinking,” Tydal said with a smirk before going back to his drink. “And by that I mean it is made of blood.”
Shining rolled his eyes. “Yup… not a dream at all.”
Derpy carefully studied the board in front of her, tapping her chin with her hoof. She considered all her options before selecting a piece and moving it forward. "Bishop to Queen 4."
Mary Sue, the red maned, black coated alicorn (and Derpy's new roommate), frowned. "Derpy, we are playing Tigasian Checkers."
"Bishop... to Queen... 4..." Derpy said slowly, as if she were talking to a 3 year old.
DING DONG
"That's weird... I don't remember us having a doorbell," Mary Sue stated.
"Maybe its the doorbell fairy!" Dinky exclaimed, looking up from her coloring book.
"Muffin, you know that the doorbell fairy won't be coming for another 3 months," Derpy said patiently (Doorbell Fairy of course coming on Doorbell Day, which was very important as it celebrated the Battle of the Doorbells... which was not a battle and did not involve doorbells at all; instead, the Battle of the Doorbells had been a race between a monkey with a peg leg and a bowl of soup. Everypony had agreed that it was silly and decided to celebrate doorbells instead).
DING DONG
"Do you think we should answer it?" Derpy asked, before setting a card down. "Gin rummy."
"Again, playing... you know what, never mind." The bell rang against and Mary stood up. "Let me," Mary Sue said, trotting over to the door. She took a deep breath, put on her best smile, and ripped the door open, jabbing her glowing horn at the invaders. "GIT OF ME LAND!"
Logic Point threw up his hooves. "Sorry, sorry! Please don't hurt us!"
Wall Breaker nodded, much calmer than his friend. "We are beloved secondary characters much as yourself and killing us would only ruin a good fic, by which I mean the functionality in Canterlot."
Derpy trotted over, joining her friend in staring at the royal guard. She tilted her head, studying the two with a critical eye. "If you are Luna's Witnesses I can tell you right now we already have a savior, thank you very much."
"Yeah! His name is… well, it is hard to say and if I do silence will fall but he has one!" Dinky exclaimed, jumping onto her mom's back. "And don't say that it is bad that I have two mommies."
"Wait, what?" Mary Sue said in surprise. "Who is your other mommy?"
Wall Breaker leaned forward. "I think she is implying you are a lesbian."
"I am not a lesbian and I am not dating Derpy!"
"We're not dating?" The gray pegasus said, generally confused.
"Der...Derpy, of course we aren't!! You are married to Doctor Whooves."
The Doctor chose that moment to walk in from the kitchen, nibbling on a bran muffin. "Ah, but we have an open relationship."
Mary just stared at the family, who was looking at her like SHE was the crazy one (sure, she had an imaginary friend who told her to kidnap ponies and she liked staring at fires while chanting in latin but she wasn't crazy!). "Why would you think we were?"
"You live in my house," Derpy said.
"You stay home while first mommy works," Dinky said.
"You sleep in my bed," The Doctor stated.
"You have sex with each other all the time," Cranky Mule grumbled, walking down the lane (how he could still be grumpy living near two young lesbians is a question for the ages).
"... that may be all true but I am not your girlfriend!" Mary Sue shouted.
"Wonderful!" Logic Point said. He pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "We have been sent to arrest you and force you to marry Prince Blueblood."
"...I am so hot for Derpy it isn't even funny."
"Who isn't?" The Doctor said said, giving Derpy a wink.
The God Squad Episode 16: D'awwwwww!
"The trick to toasting a marshmallow is to rotate it slowly." Celesta's magic flared out and she carefully began to twist the puffy white treat in the air, just above the fire. "You want it to get a nice golden color."
After the insanity of the last week and a half it had been decided by the deities that they wanted to try out the novel thing known as 'camping'. They'd bought all the things needed for such an adventure: tents, sleeping bags, bug spray, a sex swing (the last was Cadence's idea). Shining had even gotten Twilight to Spike-Mail them a copy of 'Camping for Dummies', so they could have a good, traditional camping trip.
"My way is simpler," Luna said, shoving the marshmallow bag over her snout and gobbling up 10 of the treats.
"This is what a s'more is?" Cadence asked in confusion, looking at the little graham cracker sandwich Shining Armor was making. "If I had known I would have eaten more of them!"
"What did you think they were?" Celestia asked. Her niece leaned over and whispered in her ear for several seconds. "Wait... really? Really? With butterscotch?"
"I think you misheard me," Cadence said.
"Are you all sure you don't want a hot dog?" Tydal asked, slowly rotating the frank over the fire.
"We would of had you gotten veggie ones!" Luna complained.
Tydal scoffed. "I had these imported from Griffland, cost me some good bits, and you don’t even want any." His horns glowed and he brought over a bun and bottle of mustard, slathering his dog before attacking it like a Rottweiler going after a bag of popcorn. "I brought plenty!"
"Again, we don't eat meat... I can't believe you are!" Shining snapped as Tydal began to cook the next one. "You're half goat! Now, I could understand you eating a tin can or something..."
"Yes, I am half goat, but I am also half fish," Tydal reminded him. His tail swayed back and forth and his slitted eyes twinkled with dark amusement. "Technically, I am half bull shark." He flashed them a smile, pulling his lips back enough to reveal sharp canines.
"I still think it is gross," Luna complained.
"You didn't always. I remember you sneaking a bit of my food every once and a while."
"I was 9 months old, I didn't know any better!" Luna complained.
“So you claim, little princess, so you claim.”
Cadence looked at Tydal, Luna and Celestia. "You know, I've been meaning to ask... how did you two end up being raised by Lord Tydal?"
Celestia chuckled as she brought her golden marshmallow to her mouth, nibbling on it as it hovered in front of her lips. "That, my dear little niece, is a very interesting story..."
~1,800 years ago...~
"Mmm, that's it..." Tydal murmured, tongue hanging out of his mouth. The sheets were pulled tight to his body and his bed creaked every time he shifted. "Yeah... that's it Merida... that's it... yeah, you know how to work it, you sexy beast… spread that jam on that toast."
Queen Merida rolled her eyes, rolling closer to her husband and wrapping her forelegs around him. "I am not bringing you breakfast in bed."
"Shhh, I'm sleeping. You can't wake up a sleep-dreamer, or he might die."
"That makes no sense," Merida complained, the deep brogue of her words rumbling down his spine as she nuzzled him.
"You make no sense," Tydal murmured. His wife barely had time to let out a yelp before she found herself flipped onto her back, the sea god pinning her down and kissing her neck. "But I love you anyway."
"Mmmmm...." Merida rumbled.
Tydal was just about to lean down and give her a kiss to end all kisses when the door to his bedroom burst open and Princesses Misty and Coral rushed in.
"Father, there is someone at the gate and- aw jeez!" Misty covered her eyes. "I am 115 years old and I am still not old enough to see that!"
Coral began to bounce in place. “Oooooo! Are we having a bed wrestling party! Mommy, tag me in, tag me in!” Merida merely rolled her eyes; she was use to the eldest of her twins making such jokes and knew that it would only go that far.
“Girls, you know what we do when guests interrupt during my happy time with your mama.”
“Shove them in the drink and laugh!” the girls recited.
“And yet I don’t hear splashing.” Tydal turned his back on his girls and began making plans on how to get his wife back in the mood.
“Dad,” Misty said, taking a step forward. “We can’t push grandma into the water.”
Merida’s eyes went wide and she threw the lord of the sea off of her (and into the stone wall so hard that he left a Tydal-shaped dent). “The Creator is here?” She turned, staring at her dazed husband. “YOUR MOTHER IS HERE?!?!” She leapt out of bed and began to pace. “No… no no no! She can’t be here now! We haven’t dried out the dungeon in ages! And look at all this rock dust on the floor!”
“Well, that’s only because you slammed daddy into it,” Coral said, tugging her father free. “Daddy, how many hooves do you see?”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Hello Mother,” Tydal stated, trotting out of his Keep, water still dripping from the massive stone structure as it finished rising about the surface of the Mareatine. He hadn’t bother putting on his armor (he hated the stupid stuff and tended to only wear it because his subjects demanded it) and his hair was a mess. There were bags under his eyes and his back still hurt.
Before him stood his Mother, aka The Creator, aka She Who Steps on Mountains aka Tau Sunflare aka the most powerful being in all of existence. The Creator had created all the divine beings and all the races and lands in the universe. She could craft entire civilizations with a thought or bring about the end of days with just a few words. This was her power and it was terrible and beautiful and demanded respect.
“How are you, Tydal?”
“My wife is having a panic attack, there is a dent in my wall and I got cock-blocked by my daughters. So, please forgive me if I am a bit moody and ask you to respectfully piss off. Oh, and I see you are a pony now… fantastic.”
The Creator had a bad habit of changing her shape whenever she felt like it. Normally she was wise enough to appear as the species she was speaking too, but instead of taking the form of a white capricorn she had chosen to appear as a white pony with wings and a horn, her red mane billowing about her.
“I’ve decided to call myself an alicorn because I think it sounds interesting.”
“Cute,” Tydal grumbled as he moved towards his mother, only to blink when he noticed to two little ones standing just behind her. “Mother… there are two small things behind you.”
“I know,” The Creator shifted, allowing Tydal to get a good look at the two. One was a small…alicorn…. filly who was white as snow and whose mane was made up of all the colors of a sunrise. Said mane was clamped in the mouth of a blue alicorn foal who was happily gumming it and babbling to herself. “This is Celestia and Luna… they are your sisters.”
“Well… hello there,” Tydal said simply, before looking up at his mother. “You’re dumping them on me, aren’t you?”
“Tydal, you were always the most responsible of your brothers and sisters and…blah blah blah…they’re your problem now. I’m going on vacation,” Mother said, summoning some sunglasses and a travel bag. She turned to her babies and gave them each a kiss. “Have fun with your brother. Mama’s gonna work on her tan!”
Tydal blinked as his Mother darted away, leaving him staring at his little sisters.
“Uh…hi,” Celestia said softly.
Luna released her sister’s tail and promptly spit-up all over herself.
“…bugger.”
“Ok Tydal, I have the soldiers working on getting the dining room cleaned up, so we are good there!” Merida hurried out of the Keep, the twins fast on her hooves. “Uh… your mother is smaller than I remember.”
Luna, suddenly realizing her Mother wasn’t around and not liking all the strange new creatures, began to whimper, sniffling softly before bursting into tears. Celestia’s horn glowed and she awkwardly tried to lift her up and rock her while also wiping the spit up from her coat.
“This is Celestia and the sobbing one is Luna. They are my sisters and our new guests.”
“Aw, they are so cute!” Coral squealed, bouncing towards the two alicorns. “I always wanted a pet!”
“My sisters are not pets,” Tydal grunted.
Misty studied to two little ones. “Well… maybe we could teach them to fetch and-“
“Not pets!” Tydal snapped, coming to a stop before the trembling Celestia. The filly cowered, shrinking away from the grim giant. “I will deal with you in a minute.” Tydal’s magic easily overpowered Celestia’s and he lifted the whimpering Luna up so he could look her in the eye. “Now then… I have one thing to say to you…”
The sea god shut his eyes… before leaning forward and blowing a raspberry on Luna’s tummy.
The foal squealed in glee, her tears forgotten as she wrapped her hooves around his head and began to crawl about him before finally settling herself between his horns and wrapped her forelegs around them like she was piloting the sea god. A startled Celestia yelped as Tydal flipped her onto his back and began to trot back to the Keep.
“Come on, my little princesses… let us find you each a nice room and some toys to play with. And maybe we can convince the chef to make something sweet for you to eat; I believe it is my duty as your brother to spoil you.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Awwwww!” Cadence said. “That was so sweet!”
“And surprisingly non-violent,” Shining said.
Tydal let out an annoyed growl. “I raised twin girls before these two came along… I know how to handle kids.” He smirked slightly. “I can give you some tips, Shining, for when you and Cadence finally begin squirting out little sticks-in-the-mud.”
“I’m good.”
“And if you wanted a violent baby story, I can give you that!” Tydal said, his mood turning joyful.
“We’re good,” Shining said but Tydal had already geared up for his story…
~MC~MC~MC~
It had been roughly 8 months since the alicorn sisters had come to Tydal’s Keep. Some things had changed, some things had remained the same, but the now expanded family had easily fallen into habits: dinner time spend chatting about their day, Merida and the twins playing with the fillies, Tydal training the two in using their magic…
BOOM
Celestia and Luna being awoken from their sleep by the sounds of battle.
“Send them out!” a voice called out, making Celestia whimper. “Give us the alicorns, now!” The little white filly began to hug her pillow tightly, trembling in fear. Across the hall she could hear Luna sobbing in fright as the Keep rattled. She knew she should go to her… but Celestia could not get herself to move. Fear gripped her heart and froze her body.
And then, the crying stopped and Celestia realized that she wasn’t alone… two strong forelegs had lifted her up and were holding her and her sister close.
“You don’t have to be scared,” Queen Merida whispered, rocking the little ones close, murmuring softly. “No matter what… you will never be alone. You will always have family… and right now that army is going to face your brother.”
“But… but Tydal could get huwt!” Celestia squealed, panicked at the thought of her big brother being wounded or worse.
Merida smiled, stroking Celestia’s mane. “Let them hurt him… it will be worth it to him. Your brother cares most about family… family is what matters and he will do all he can to protect us.” Merida’s eyes flashed darkly. “And those bloody fools will pay for coming here.”
Outside the Keep, an entire squad of pegasi continued to launch attacks against the stone fortress. They would grab rocks and fly them high into the air before letting them drop, sending stone flying with each collision.
“Careful!” Commander Hurricane called out. “Careful now! We want to draw them out, not kill them.”
“A wise move,” Tydal said coolly. He had donned his battle armor, his silver helm and breastplate gleaming in the moonlight as he marched forward from his Keep. He approached them now as the god of the sea and king of the Mareatine, master of the oceans and victor of a thousand battles. Misty and Coral flanked him, their roles suddenly reversed: cold Misty now wore a feral grin that threatened to split her face while the bubbly Coral’s face was that of death itself. “Go home, little ponies. Go home before I decide you should not have one.”
“We’ve come for the alicorns, goat. They are our princesses and we demand them in the name of Equestria.”
“For Equestria… or for the pegasi army?” Tydal taunted. When Hurricane stared at him Tydal sneered. “Fool. I know why you are here; you can’t stand that you have to rule with the earth pony and the unicorn princess so you have come to claim the fillies. You plan to use them as a bargaining chip. With them raised believing themselves purely pegasus… why, you’d hold all the power, wouldn’t you?”
Hurricane flew up so he was right in Tydal’s face. “Move or my men will destroy you and your kind.”
Misty began to laugh the laugh of the mad. Coral’s response was to snarl, her magic flaring as she prepared to protect her father and king. It was only a subtle nod that kept the sisters, commanders of the royal guard, from attacking. “Many have tried, little one… we capricorns look for the wonderful death… one made for song. You wouldn’t even give me a note.”
Hurricane zipped away just as several of his guards sent rocks hurtling towards Tydal. The old goat may have been slower than a pony but he was agile and he was able to dance about the stone rain before returning to his original spot.
“Let me ask you one question… the question you should have asked before you dared to come to my home: are the alicorns protected?” The sea began to bubble behind him as he spoke. “You aren’t the first of your kind to try this. The Chancellor and the Princess have already marched here with their grand armies to take the little ones. They came as you did with threats and warnings. They threatened me as you did… they tried to kill me just as you did. And they doubted my power… just as you have done, you sad little horse. They have done all this already… so… what happened to them?”
The Mareatine churned before splitting down the middle, the waters rising up and leaving the sea floor bare. Hurricane’s men let out cries as they stared at Tydal’s ‘garden’: hundreds of severed pony heads had been drive onto spikes and been left for the fish to feed on.
A call went up and Hurricane turned to see Tydal’s army leaping out of the Keep, all wearing their armor and staring death at those that had come to their kingdom in the middle of the night and dared to insult their king. Not just the royal guard but the regular soldiers marshaled around Tydal and his daughters, till the beach was filled with the wagging tail-blades of the capricorn nation.
“It seems you have forgotten who I am; allow me to introduce myself: I am Tydal. I am the king of the Mareatine. I am the lord of the capricorn race. I am the god of the sea and one of the eldest of the immortals. I call your creator Mother and hold council with those those power dwarfs all in your silly little Equestria.” Tydal leaned in close, his hot breath burning against Hurricane’s face. “But more importantly… I am a father, a husband and a brother.
“Celestia and Luna are my sisters and under my protection. Three times Equestria has come to my door… the next time I see a flick of a pony’s tail my army will march upon your pathetic little country and I will raze it to the ground. Your stallions will be slaughtered, your mares used for our pleasure and your foals sold as slaves. I will burn your forests and salt the earth so nothing will grow again. I will burn the skies and cover the lands in darkness. I will personally come to your little Cloudsdale and I will rip it down from its high perch and crush it under my hooves. And only when this is all done will I finally come for you and your fellow rulers… and then your agony will begin. I will visit death upon you a thousand times and still not let my brother the Reaper claim your souls. That is only a taste of what I will do if you EVER THREATEN MY LITTLE SISTERS AGAIN!”
The capricorns took a step towards their king, letting out bleating threats. Coral and Misty’s horns glowed as they began to channel their own magic. Behind him, the sea rose up, threatening to consume all before him.
“So… in a word Commander… run.”
Tydal glowered as the pegasi did just that, not even bothering to take to the air. He turned to his daughters, giving the command. “Pursue them… those that are smart and flee can live. Kill any that turn to fight. Put the spikes in front of the Everfree this time… let all see that Celestia and Luna have guardians and we will not let them be harmed. Let all know that the alicorns will not be threatened… not under my watch,” Tydal said coolly, marching back towards his Keep, the sounds of his warriors giving chase through the Everfree filling the night. He could still hear Celestia’s whimpers and he cursed Equestria for making her cry.
~MC~MC~MC~
The five of them fell silent, staring at the fire. Tydal’s good mood had vanished and Shining could see the old goat’s lip twitching as he remembered Celestia’s whimpers and Luna’s cries. The alicorn sisters shifted over and rested their heads on his shoulders, murmuring softly.
“How does a pony get a tan?” Cadence finally asked.
“Hell if I know,” Celestia muttered as Tydal began to laugh.
Common Sense, a teal colored earth pony, stared at the mayor in utter confusion. He wondered for a moment if perhaps he’d misheard her. It just didn’t seem logical that she would say no. Everything pointed to her saying yes. So clearly he had misheard her and-
“You didn’t mishear me,” Mayor Mare said, reading Common Sense’s thoughts (In a ‘I can read your emotions from your facial ticks’ way… not a ‘I am Charles Xavier and I have a school for mutants’ kind of way, though that would have been very cool). She looked over the plans in disgust before pushing them aside. “I am afraid I can no approve the plans for your house.”
“Why not?” Common Sense asked in confusion. “I did the designs myself… it is structurally sound, it has proper safety measures set up, and I even made sure it was far enough off the road so I wouldn’t cause any issues with noise and the neighbors.” He began to flip through the pages. “I can go over the sound proofing I designed, if you’d like. It is solid-“
“That may be, but…” Mayor Mare let out a sigh, “how to explain this… your house would be… ugly.”
“Ugly?” Common Sense asked.
“Yes. I mean, look at its design.” The Mayor spread the plans out so Common Sense could stare at them. He found it a touch silly, as he had design the building himself. He knew exactly what the house looked like.“Do you see what I am talking about?”
“No… not really.”
“It’s… it is so plain!” The Mayor complained. “It doesn’t’ look like anything!”
“It looks like a house,” Common Sense told her.
“Yes, but houses are suppose to look like things! Trees, cupcakes, clouds, muffins, a carousel… this just looks like a plain… thing.”
Common Sense frowned. “So your problem is that my house isn’t going to be an eyesore?”
“As it is right now it will be an eyesore… who wants to look at a house that doesn’t look like a salt shaker or a lamp?” Mayor Mare shook her head in disgust. “I’m sorry, but no… I’m getting disgusted by it just looking at the plans.”
“Is there… anything I could do?”
The Mayor thought it over. “What if we threw a big bow on it and said it was a present? Or made it look like it was made of gingerbread.”
“I am trying to open a daycare with my wife… I don’t think it would look good if foals were invited into a gingerbread house by a lime green mare.”
The Mayor nodded. “Right… we’ve already had three witch burnings this last week…”
“Say what now?” Common Sense asked.
“Nothing!” The Mayor quickly sang.
The God Squad Episode 17: Cadence Begins
The three alicorns, capricorn and unicorn stared at the fire (which, strangely enough, had a bag of popcorn cooking over it). Not of them had said a word, each pondering the deep mysteries of life. They were the questions that all seek the answers to, from the poorest stallion to the wealthiest mare. Wise colts could spend eons pondering such things and never come up with an answer.
"What if Mother shaved herself... then she could get a tan," Luna offered.
"I can't believe we are still talking about this," Shining complained.
"I can't believe none of you want to try a hot dog!" Tydal exclaimed, inhaling his 5th of the night.
Celestia shook her head, a slight smile gracing her lips. "Only Mother could leave us all so befuddled."
"She has a knack for it," Cadence admitted.
"I remember when she first brought you to me, Cadence," Celestia said with a fond smile.
"You know, I've always wondered about that," Shining said. "Every pony I talk to has this notion that Cadence is from some crystal empire or she was a unicorn that you put through some trials-"
Celestia laughed so hard it was a wonder the fire wasn't blown out. "Oh, are those stories still going around?" Cadence joined in on the giggling. "No, Shining Armor, let me assure you none of those tales are real. I just made them up in order to keep ponies from bugging me with stupid questions."
"Are you serious?" Shining asked.
"As a chimera at a ballet recital." When every pony blinked at her in confusion Celestia shrugged. "Chimeras are really into ballet."
"Aaaahhh," all of them said.
"The truth is, Shining, that Cadence and I met much the same way I met Tydal."
“At a crime scene with her covered in blood?”
Tydal growled before returning to his hot dog.
Cadence snickered before resting her head against her husband’s shoulder. "Mommy dumped me on her."
~A Few Decades Ago...~
"There!" Celestia said in glee, her magic holding onto the quill tightly as she finished the last few equations, then peered through her microscope one more time. She checked her work a final time but she knew that she was in the right. “I have isolated the gay gene! Now my musicals will never flop!”
The Princess’ Number 1 Assistant scoffed /Whatever you say, Celestia. I still think we should have gone out and enjoyed the sun. I mean, you waste enough time putting the thing up in the air/
“Now now, Philomena… my studies at very important! Equestria’s fate hinges on my discoveries.”
/Their fate or your ego?/
“A naughty phoenix is bucking to go without her seed tonight,” Celestia teased.
Celestia’s friend scoffed. /Like I don’t know where it is, Trollestia./
“Stop calling me that,” Celestia grumbled, peering through her microscope. She was so busy with her discovery that she didn’t hear two of her guards march in.
“She’s talking to the bird again,” Wall Breaker the 3rd whispered.
His partner, Sharp Slash, shook his head, motioning for the stallion to keep quiet. “Shhh… you know how she gets. If she hears you she’ll banish us to Ponyville.”
Wall Breaker shuddered. “Ugh… that place gives me the creeps.”
"Princess Celestia?" Slash said a bit louder, leaning forward while cautiously moving away from the princess.
“Yes Sergeant Slash?” Celestia asked, scribbling a few more notes on a new piece of paper.
"Your…Mother is requesting your presence in the main throne room."
Celestia let out a dainty laugh. "Oh, that is too rich." She raised her head, tutting slightly. "Yes, I am sure my Mother is waiting for me."
Wall Breaker shifted with unease. "Princess, this is no joke."
The solar princess slowly turned to stare at the guards and both of them felt their lives flashing before their eyes (Cup of oats, cup of oats, almost got laid… cup of oats, cup of oats, almost got laid). "My Mother... is here?"
The two nodded their heads weakly.
"My... my Mother... is in the castle?"
Again, they nodded their heads.
"No... nononononononononno!" Celestia began to hyperventilate. She shoved herself away from her table and began to run around the room, gathering up scrolls and books. The guards watched her, utterly disturbed by how their ruler had turned into a 15 year old filly in the span of 10 seconds (not physically, of course, but that might have been less surprising than what they were witnessing). "This is terrible! She can't be here, why would she be here? She never comes to see me! I haven't seen her since she dropped me and Luna off at Tydal's Keep."
"Luna?" Slash questioned.
"Tydal?" Breaker echoed.
/Ixna on the iblingsa/ Philomena hissed.
"Now is not the time for you to show off that you know how to speak swine!" Celestia screeched at the bird. She began to dart about the room, her horn glowing as she pulled out scrolls and books. "She is going to give me a test, isn't she? She wants to see if I've been a good ruler! I haven't even had a chance to study yet! Doesn't she know it isn't fair to spring a quiz on some pony?"
/What about a pop quiz?/
Celestia's eyes went to pinpricks. "Pop...pop...pop...pop..."
"She's going pop pop!" Slash whimpered.
"I hear her, I am standing right next to her!" Breaker exclaimed.
“What do we do? What does it mean if she says pop pop?”
Philomena let out a long suffering sigh, flying over to perch on Celestia’s horn. /Would you calm down? Most fillies would be happy to see their Mom./
"Their mom, as in lower case m, yes. But this is Mom, with a capital M! That is the worst of the worst! She is going to quiz me and I am going to fail..."
/And... what?/ the phoniex asked dryly.
"She'll send me back to...” Celestia’s eyes flew wide as the implications of what could happen struck her, “Godly Kindergarten!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Class, this is Princess Celestia. She failed a test and thus should be shunned."
Celestia, squatting as best as she could in her seat with her knees up to her chest and the desk pressing against her calves, trembled as all the little gods and goddess turned and began to laugh at her.
"Also... why are you in your underpants, Miss Celestia?"
Celestia looked down and realized she was, indeed, in her granny panties and a bra. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
~MC~MC~MC~
Philomena rolled her eyes as her mistress began to rock back and forth, stroking her tail and mumbling about panties. /Would you get a hold of yourself? Maybe she is just here to say hi/
"Maybe she is here to kill us all!" Celestia said darkly, eyes flashing black.
/She is not going to kill us/ Philomena said.
"Well dad, looks like I'll be seeing you soon," Wall Breaker whispered, staring up at the sky.
"Your father is dead?" Slash said.
"Nah, he just went in for surgery at Canterlot Hospital."
Philomena, having grown use to her friend/owner freaking out over stupid things (seriously, if only her subjects could see how the calm and kind Celestia squealed at the sight of a rat…), did the only thing she could think of: she bitch slapped the princess.
/Get a hold of yourself! You are only going to make things worse by freaking out like this!/
“… I’ve made things worse!” Celestia cried.
Before the solar princess could break down in frantic laughter/tears the doors to her study were flung open and her Mother, Tau Sunflare, marched in. The Creator was in her alicorn form, though she was, for some odd reason, wearing a blue spandex suit, a red mini skirt, and a cape with a big S on it.
"Celestia!" Mother said happily, not paying any attention to the fact that her daughter was shuddering in fear. "Listen, I have something-"
"The answer to life the universe and everything is 42!" Celestia blurted out.
"... ok, that was weird. Anyhoo, with your brother stuck as a rock I don't have any pony to dump foals on and... well, meet your replacement goldfish for Luna."
Celestia blinked, for the first time noticing the little filly foal that was hanging on her Mother's back, babbling to herself while attempting to gum the Creator’s right wing off. "That doesn't look like a goldfish."
"Well, it's an expression. I figured since Luna went nuts you'd need a new little sister and I had some time on my hands/hooves so here you go." The Creator plopped the baby in front of Celestia and grinned. "I call her Princess Beyonce Kickass but you can change that if you want. Bye bye!"
And with that the Creator disappeared, leaving Celestia staring at the pink alicorn foal before her. Princess Beyonce Kickass gurgled, one hoof crammed in her mouth.
"... I'm going to call you Cadence." The baby just blinked. "So... you like cheese cake?" Celestia asked.
Cadence promptly fell onto her side.
“Is that a no?”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Somepony should really talk to Mother about abandoning us," Tydal stated. “It is a wonder we don’t all have issues.” Tydal watched as Cadence began to mime out a sex act and Celestia, fearing that Mother had heard her story and was now going to spring a pop quiz on her, began to dart around the bushes looking for the white alicorn (showing all just WHERE Twilight got her insanity). “I mean… more than what we already have…”
"Abandon US? She raised you for 20 years!" Luna complained. “I barely remember her and she saw you off to college!”
"Yes, and we all know how sane and rational Tydal is," Shining groused. “So being raised by her must have been SOOOO wonderful.”
"No!" Mary Sue, the red maned, black coated alicorn said (not to be confused with Mari Sew, the black maned, red coated alicorn) said stubbornly.
"Be a friend," Logic Point begged.
"No!" Mary turned back to he crossword puzzle even as the guards pleaded with her.
"We all know you have to do it," Wall Breaker informed her, "otherwise this storyline will have been just one huge waste of time." When the others looked at him, Wall Breaker shrugged. "Storyline stands for Sympathetic Travel Occasionally Resulting-"
"Yeah, whatever." Mary puzzled over 13 Across (My Hairy _ _ _ _,with the last three letters being unt; the answer was, of course, AUNT, you perverts). "Are you all forgetting the fact that you are basically asking me to be a whore."
"For the good of the country!" Logic Point said. "You'd be a whore with a heart of gold. A noble, helpful whore who rose about her whorishness and whored her whore-like self to new levels of whoredom to-"
"Could we stop saying the word 'whore'?" Doctor Whooves asked politely as he dissected the blender (never know when one is a cybermat in disguise).
"Whores whores whores!" Dinky chanted.
Mary shook her head in disgust, leveling a cold glare at the two royal guards. "And, lets ignore the fact that I would be selling my body for bits..."
"Because Celestia knows it's worse being in this fic," Wall Breaker muttered.
"...I'd be selling it to Blueblood!"
"What's wrong with the Prince?" Logic Point asked, trying his best to hide his own revulsion. "I mean... he's such a... great stallion..."
"You're joking, right? His voice sounds like a sick cat being raped by a jackhammer. He's covered in so much body spray that he is sticky to the touch. His looks give colts nightmares. He smells like a mix of day old fish and cheap perfume. Just staring at him can give you a VD and not the kind that can be killed with penicillin. He even tastes bad."
"Tastes?" Logic Point questioned.
Mary nodded. "When you smell him a little bit of it gets in your mouth and you can taste it... it is like licking a minotaur's armpit." The alicorn shook her head in disgust. "On a scale of 1 to 100 with 100 being utter revulsion, I am at a 99.9999998 when it comes to Prince Blueblood."
"... so you are saying there is a chance."
"Get... out."
The God Squad Episode 18- Shining Armor Rises
Shining leaned forward, his hooves wiggling in the air. The others were huddled together, absorbed in his story. "And then the stallion emerged from his space capsule... and he planted the flag right into the moon's surface!"
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Luna screamed, tumbling away from the fire. The others looked at her and she blushed. "Stop trying to scare me!"
Celestia used her magic to help her sister back up. "It is ok, little sister... every pony knows there is no such thing as astronauts."
"I don't care, I don't want to hear another scary story!"
"Then what do you want to hear about?" Tydal asked, eyeing the cooler of cider they had brought and wondering when they could stop with the marshmallows and move on to the hard drinking (and considering his family, it was a shock they hadn't already).
Luna tapped her chin. "I want to hear more about how we first met each other!"
Cadence nodded happily. "Ok... this is the story of when Shining and my genitals first met..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Are you sure we should be doing this in your aunt's bed?" Shining Armor hissed, adjusting the hood of his gimp suit.
"Yes, you big wuss, now lick my hooves!" Cadence declared. "You're getting all this, right?"
"Photo Finish was born this way... to get good shots of you having sex."
"Alright, now let me lift my tail-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"NO!" Tydal, Celestia Shining and Luna all shouted.
"But it is a good story!" Cadence complained.
"I don't care you can't tell it!" Luna snapped. "Besides, I want to hear about how you and Shining first met... you, not your genitals."
"Oh... well that is a sweet story too!"
Tydal groaned. "Let me guess... it was magical and there was music and the moon shone down and Shining whispered sweet stupid nothings in your ear-"
"No," Shining Armor admitted, shifting uneasily. "Truth be told, Cadence and I didn't exactly hit it off at first." He shared a shamed look with his wife.
Cadence nodded as the screen began to get all fuzzy and the harps that signaled a flashback began to play. "It all began a few years ago...."
~MC~MC~MC~
“Come on Twilight, open up!” Night Light said, dangling the spoon loaded with applesauce in front of his daughter’s mouth. The little foal, however, was not going to make it simple on her father and continually shook her head ‘no’. “Don’t you want some yummy applesauce?” Twilight’s jaw clenched tight and she turned her head away. “Come on now…”
Twilight’s horn glowed and with a burst of magic she lifted the fridge up and sent it flying at her father’s head. The stallion yelped and ducked just in time.
“Twilight, sweetie… please don’t try and kill daddy…” Night Light chuckled nervously, staring at the hole in the wall the fridge had made on its mad flight. “You have to eat something, sweetie.” Twilight sucked her lips in. “But it is really yummy!” Night took the spoon and raised it to his lips, quickly taking a nibble. “See? Yum yum yum!”
The foal was not amused. She crossed her little forelegs over her chest and shook her head before giving her father a dismissive sniff.
“Here comes the Wonderbolt, ready to make a landing!” Night Light made a buzzing sound, only for Twilight to grab the spoon with a burst of magic and send it flying so hard it embedded into the drywall. “We really need to invest in steel paneling.”
“You want me to try?” Twilight Velvet asked, not bothering to look up as she made her and her husband’s sandwiches for the day.
“Yes please,” Night Light grumbled.
The mare trotted over, getting a new spoon from the drawer and loading it with applesauce. “Ok Twilight… here comes the book mobile with a new load of excyclopedias for the library!”
Twilight let out a squeal and opened her mouth, inhaling the food (and nearly eating the spoon as well). She began to motion for her mother to give her more and Velvet was more than happy to do so.
“It is all in how you word it,” she said, a bit smug.
Not satisfied that her mother was getting the ‘book mobile’ to her fast enough, Twilight grabbed the bottle of foal food and began to chug it like a cheerleader at a kegger. Night Light walked over to the fridge, shaking his head. “There is something seriously wrong with our foal.”
Velvet cantered over to him, giving him a quick nuzzle. “Now now, we had her tested and all the doctor found was that brain thing. There is nothing wrong with Twilight.”
“Nom nom nom!” the foal gurgled. She had managed to get ahold of a plate of brownies and her parents turned just as Twilight stuck one in her mouth-
“Ok, so what the hell is this?”
“What’s that, Shiny?”
“This is suppose to be the story of how we met, Cadence, not the ‘Baby Twilight Sparkle Hour’.”
“I would think you would be use to Twilight overshadowing you.”
“I hate you so much, Tydal.”
Velvet and Night twitched, horror written on their faces as Twilight licked her hooves clean. “That was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen and I was in the Great Pony-Donkey War.”
“How does a baby even make those faces?” Velvet whimpered.
Night shuddered. “That will replace the whale in my nightmares.”
Before they could continue to discuss the weird thing their foal did when she ate a brownie, their eldest chose to enter the room.
“’sup?” Shining grunted. He was decked out in a black torn shirt and skinny jeans which contrasted against his white coat. His hooves and lips were painted black and there was a red triangle under each of his eyes. His mane was also dyed black and styled in a mohawk and there were several piercings in his nose and ears.
“Uh… good morning Shining Armor,” Night Light said nervously, giving his son a wide berth.
“What… have a told you… about calling me that?” Shining snapped, taking a seat at the dining table. “Shining Armor is the name you normals gave me. My chosen name is Ebony Heartstabber.”
“Right, of course Ebony Heartstabber!” Night said nervously. “Your makeup looks nice to day.”
“Nothing about me is nice. Life is a bottomless pit of suck and the only release is death.”
Velvet shifted uneasily. “Would you like some oatmeal?”
“I dreamed of your death again last night,” Shining grunted.
Velvet and Night slowly backed away from their goth son and superpowered foal. “So… listen sport…” Night said, edging towards the door, “your mom and I need to leave you two alone for the day. We found out that they are letting a deer family move into the neighborhood so we are going to drive them out.”
Velvet nodded. “I have our white sheets ready and Mr. Spinner is bringing a lower case t for us to burn.” (A lower case t of course standing for ‘Totally Not Wanted in our neighborhood’; they use to burn the whole word but with gas prices the way they are…)
“You aren’t expecting me to watch this… thing… you brought into MY house, are you?” Shining snapped, gesturing at Twilight (who was, at that moment, attempting to open a black hole because, well, she was a baby and didn’t know better).
“Of course not!” Velvet said with a laugh. “We hired a young mare to come babysit so you can sit in your room cutting yourself in peace. She’s actually an alicorn princess so there was quite a bidding war to get her!”
“You like the military, right?” Night asked.
“They are nothing more than killing robots designed by the government to oppress us all.”
“Well good news! We spent your college tuition on paying the babysitter so you will be enlisting when your old enough!” Shining glared at his father, who wisely began to beat a retreat to the door.
Velvet blew a kiss to Twilight. “Alright, kids, we’ll be back by 6 pm. Shining, remember not to tell Twilight that she is adopted and her real mother is Nightmare Moon!”
Shining broke out of his angry goth/emo mode for a moment. “Uh… she isn’t adopted and Nightmare Moon isn’t real.”
“…right, keep saying it like that. Bye kids!”
Shining looked over at his baby sister, who was squirming in her seat. "If you soil yourself I am going to leave you in the back yard like a dog and let you do your business out there." Twilight, who seemed to think this was funny (or maybe she just had gas) smiled and waved her hooves in the air. "Now then... you want to help me raid dad's cider cabinet?"
Before the teenager could steal his father's booze there was a knock on the door. The stallion trotted over to the door and, throwing it open, set his sights on the new arrival that stood on his doorstep. The pink alicorn shuffled uneasily, her multi-toned mane done up in a tight bun and held together with a pair of pencils. A set of thick glasses were slipping down her snout and she wore a bulk sweater that hid most of her frame.
"Uh... hello there," the teenage mare said, nibbling on her lip. "I'm... Cadence... I'm suppose to be babysitting a Twilight Sparkle."
Shining Armor scoffed. "Yeah, you have the right house. Come on in." He spun around and began to trot back to the kitchen, Cadence nearly tripping over her hooves in her hurry to follow him. "So, how did you get roped into the babysitting gig?"
"My aunt thought I should get some experience with babies."
"Huh?" Twilight said, looking up from the apple sauce she was smearing all over her highchair (it was a rather good replica of Celestia Chapel).
"... what a cute baby!" Cadence said quickly, hurrying over to lift Twilight up and cuddle her close. "Who wants to play with some blocks?"
"Your special talent is making love?" Shining asked, trying really hard to stay emo.
"Yeah," Cadence said softly. "I don't like it but apparently that is my talent."
"How... how did you... how do you even-"
Cadence blushed. "Let's just say it involved a gallon of whip cream and a really bad sneeze."
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow (which was the proper response when a mare announced she was talented in love making). "Well... that's..."
"So, what's with the makeup?" Cadence asked, carrying a squirming Twilight towards the living room. "You in a play or something?"
Shining glowered. "Yeah, no. I happen to be expressing my dark attitude about the world. This makeup represents all that is wrong and evil in the universe and how life is little more than despair wrapped in disease and loneliness. We are little more than organic pain collectors, hurdling towards death. Every drop of red paint equals gallons of blood that is spilled every day-"
"Ok, no," Cadence said firmly, setting Twilight in a playpen and handing her a book to look at. The alicorn used her magic to undo her bun, letting her long mane cascade down her shoulders. "I am not going to spend all day with you whining like that. Time to improve your outlook on life."
"And how do you plan to do that?" Shining asked as Cadence removed her glasses and, reaching into the baby bag she had brought, grabbed a pair of noise-canceling headphones and placing them over Twilight's ears. The foal babbled in confusion as Cadence spun her around so she was facing the wall before the pink alicorn began to stalk Shining like a mountain lion hunting a bunny rabbit. "Uh... Cadence?"
"I am going to smear that makeup all over my body," Cadence said with a sudden burst of confidence.
"What are you-" Shining exclaimed before Cadence tackled him. "Whoa! Stop that! Stop that right... wait... what... what... OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE, AT LAST I FOUND YOU! OH!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"And then I did this!" Cadence said, grinding against the log she was using to represent Shining Armor. "And I was like 'Yes... yes!' and he went 'Yeah baby, niegh for me!' and I was like-"
"So suicide... who wants to see if gods can attempt it?" Luna asked
"I'm getting a cider and none of you are stopping me!" Tydal shouted over Cadence's dry humping.
"Get me too!" Shining called out in embarrassment.
"So, how was the war?" Applebloom asked, double checking the gauges to ensure the wagon was operating at peak efficiency. "Was it excitin'?"
Scootaloo shrugged, stepping one the gas and sending their vehicle rocking down a busy street. "It was ok. The daleks didn't really offer much of a resistance... the capricorns were totally cool though. Not as cool as Rainbow Dash, but still. Princess Coral invited me to visit her Keep."
Sweetie Belle looked up from the ammo she was loading. " I wish we could have helped out. I had to help Rarity count bolts of fabric."
"Nah, it was boring. After the first five minutes nothing real exciting was going on... just dive bombing aliens and staying out of Twilight Sparkle's way." Scootaloo shuddered; Twilight had given her the willies ever since the mare had spent a week asking everypony about her (the police had looked into her but determined Twilight wasn't interested in that, so they had let her off the hook).
"I think we ought ta invite Rollypolly to join us next time. He's a blank flank like us too!" Applebloom exclaimed.
"I thought he was an gooey alien in a mobile attack device," Sweetie Belle said.
"Ok, we'd have to relax our normal criteria but I still think he would be a cool crusader." Scootaloo slowed down the wagon and looked through the periscope. "Alright, we are here! Man the cannon!"
"CUITE MARK FREEDOM FIGHTERS!" The fillies called out as they fired.
~MC~MC~MC~
"What in the world is this?" Blueblood said, walking over to the miniature tank that had rolled into his throne room. "Is this a-"
BOOM!
The prince blinked, his entire body covered in soot save for the whites of his eyes. The wagon/tank's little turret was still smoking from the payload it had fired at him.
"... guards, the baby tank tried to assassinate me!"
"CUTIE MARK FREEDOM FIGHTERS!" three little voices within the tank declared before hitting reverse, sending the tank careening back through the great archway.
The God Squad Episode 19: Shining Armor 2: Electric Boogaloo
"You take one down and pass it around... 57 severed pony heads on the wall!" Tydal knocked back a bottle of hard cider. He tossed the empty into the fire, watching the flames fly up. "56 severed pony heads on the wall, 56 severed pony heads-"
"Is everything about death when it comes to you and your twisted mind?" Shining complained.
"Not always. Sometimes it is about skeeball."
"Skeeball?" Cadence asked, stroking the log she had been using as her Shining Armor Stand In (let's pray the CMCs never decide to go for THAT cutie mark!).
Celestia gave her niece a pity-filled look. "Tydal is right... truly skeeball is the game of gods. Your life has not been rich and fulfilling if you've never played."
"It's better when you use severed heads as the balls," Luna said. The others (save for a humming Tydal) just looked at her. "Not that I ever tried that, because it would be silly!" She began to laugh. "Yeah... it's not like, when I was Nightmare Moon, I ripped the heads off a cricket team and used them to play the most bloody round of skeeball ever! Nope, never ever!"
Cadence pursed her lips before turning to her husband. "So, how did you end up meeting my aunts and Uncle Tydal?"
Shining shrugged. "Well..."
~Several Years Ago...~
"Captain Boot Camp I must say that your stallions are well disciplined." Celestia walked down the line of guards, each one fresh from their training and ready to prove themselves to the solar princess. They were bright, eager boys and if Celestia were a naughty mare she would have brought each and every strapping male back to her room for a bit of 'friendly fire' (wink wink, nudge nudge, click click, insert wolf howl, hubba hubba). "Yes, I must say they are all ready to serve. I do have one question... are they wearing eyeliner?"
"Right indeedie!" Boot Camp lisped. He puckered his lips (to ensure his lipstick was even) several times before continuing. "You must always be ready for anything, including looking FABULOUS!" He turned towards on the guards. "Logic Point, why is your armor so important?"
"Because it brings out the green in my eyes, sir!" the private shouted.
"Good boy!" Boot Camp said, giving the private's flank a smack with his tail, giggling as he did so. "You are going to get some extra flan with your grilled onions tonight."
"I love how you go against the stereotype everypony was expecting during this flashback, sir!" Wall Breaker the 4th said.
Celestia's brow furrowed before she brushed off the strange comment. "Very well then. I must be off and-"
"INCOMING!" one of the privates shouted, shoving Celestia out of the way just as a dangerous projectile (aka some bird doo doo) fell from the sky, nearly landing on Celestia's head.
The Princess stared at the stallion who lay flat on his belly, a drop of the white goop dripping down his horn. Celestia's magic flared and she wiped the offending mess away before making a mental note to have Philomena go remind the birds just whose flank the sun rose and set upon (hint: the alicorn who raised the blasted thing).
"Are you quite alright?" Celestia asked.
"Of course, Princess." The stallion rose and gave her a smart salute. "Private Shining Armor."
"Yes, Private Armor... I'll be watching your progress with great interest."
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia shook her head. "Shining, while that is a wonderful story it is not the first time we met."
"It isn't?" Luna asked, intrigued.
Shining began to blush. "Princess, please..."
~Several Years and 6 Months Earlier...~
"I can't believe you are trusting her with my Twiley!" Shining Armor complained, glaring daggers at Celestia. The princess gave him a sheepish smile even as Twilight bounced around her hooves, giggling with glee. Today was the filly's first day at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and the first day she would be spending at the castle.
Shining Armor was... less than thrilled.
"You can't trust Princess Molestia!"
"Shiney, please behave," Velvet said softly. "The Princess has every right to take Twilight away and keep her at her castle where she lives all by herself with no stallion and where no pony can hear any screams. There isn't anything creepy about a grown mare taking a random filly from her family-"
"Or having said filly sleep in her bed..." Celestia said.
"Or that! Now then, say you are sorry."
Shining rolled his eyes and stomped off.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Molestia?" Tydal asked.
"Princess of the Mole Creatures under the Appleloosian Mountains. She was well known for liking to spoon with young fillies and colts or whatever you call young moles. She was caught by Predator Catcher."
Luna frowned, using her magic to stir up the fire. "Why did her name sound like yours?"
"Do you really want to begin picking at that thread?" Celestia asked, annoyed. "Besides, as I remember, your first meeting with Shining Armor didn't go all that smoothly..."
~2 Year Earlier...~
"And this is Canterlot Castle!" Celestia said happily to her little sister. She was positively beaming with joy as she trotted towards her home, thrilled beyond measure that her baby sister was back with her. No more Nightmare Moon, no more loneliness, no more booze to numb said loneliness, no more going to The Gilded Banana for 2 for 1 night, and no more lying to Twilight about her... no, Celestia would still lie to Twilight; lying to that filly was just too much fun!
"Sister, we tell thee I am able to canter under my own power. We do not need to ride your back."
"You seriously talked like that?" Celestia tried hard not to laugh at the outdated way her sister spoke.
"Of course! Tis the proper way to speak!"
"I never taught you to talk like that... that is stupid unicorn elitism right there. Which is really stupid because every pony knows that earth ponies are the ones that should be royalty and the leaders of Equestria but they are so smart they know that being powerful sucks and so they stay on their farms." Celestia continued on with her original point. "But I want to carry you, my dear little sister! It has been ages since you were small enough for me to do so.." Celestia entered the castle's main courtyard, letting out a sigh of pure bliss. "Truly this is a blessed day."
"Princess Celestia, you have returned." Captain Shining Armor, freshly promoted after his valor in the Battle of the Sponge (where he was the first to find Celestia's favorite bath sponge before bath time... yeah, the royal guard is like the National Guard of Equestria), approached the alicorn and bowed to her. "We have readied-"
Shining was knocked off his feet by a pouncing Luna, who began to sniff his mane. "Mmmm... dear sister, how wonderful! Thou has remembered what kind of sex slave we enjoy!" Luna began to nibble on Shining Armor's throat. "We expect thou to be hung like a manticore..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Cadence raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Is there any member of my family you haven't slept with?"
"I didn't sleep with Luna!" Shining complained. "She came on to me and I resisted! And I have never been with Celestia or any pony other than you."
Tydal snorted. "Right... any PONY..."
~9 weeks earlier...~
Shining groaned. It felt like his head had been strapped in vice and was being squeezed while a drill was pressed against his left eye (otherwise known as a minotaur shuffle). The light from the nearby window was casting a glare so harsh he thought for a moment that the sun was hanging right above his forehead (and considering who his aunt-in-law was, he wouldn't be surprised if she did such a thing).
"Ugh... I feel terrible," the captain whimpered.
"You should after what I did to ya, you saucy mink." Shining rolled over and let out a girlish scream. "Wow, no need to yell that loud!"
"Lord Tydal!" Shining cried out, scrambling away from the capricorn that was lounging in bed beside the captain of the guard. "What are you doing here?"
"I sleep here... though, what we did last night can't be called sleeping." The capricorn rose and gave Shining a once over. "You know, normally my wife would be mad that I slept with another doe but you were such a yummy looking one-"
"I'm not a mare!" Shining cried out, clutching the sheet to his chest. When Tydal raised an eyebrow Shining quickly dropped the sheet and dropped his voice a few octaves. "I mean... I am no mare!"
"Right, you were a filly and I made you a mare." Tydal's tail flicked out and Shining let out a yelp, just avoiding the razor sharp edge. "Now, I'm going to take a nice long swim in the royal pool. I'm sure one of the butlers can drive you home." The sea god paused at the door. "Oh, hi Cadence."
"Hi Uncle Tydal!" Cadence said with a grin, skipping into the room. She stopped mid bounce, sniffing the air. "Shining, why does it smell like sex and shame in here?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"That... did... not... happen," Shining ground out, his jaw clenched so hard it was a wonder his teeth weren't reduced to a fine powder (of course, considering his life, he was lucky his teeth existed at all).
"I think I remember my own life, Shining," Tydal said with a snort.
"We didn't have sex!" Shining shouted.
"Well, that was disturbing on many levels," Luna said. She looked up at the dark sky, a smile suddenly blossoming on her lips. "But this truly has been fun."
"That it has!" Celestia declared. "Good food, good fun, good stories." She grabbed another bottle. "Good booze..."
Cadence nodded, snuggling up to her husband. "Spending time with family."
"Setting aside old grudges, if only for a day," Tydal said, using his magic to pass Shining a bottle of cider. The stallion blinked in surprise before taking the bottle and raising it up, clinking it with the one Tydal had grabbed for himself. The capricorn smiled, tipping the drink in a quick salute.
"Remembering the past and looking forward to the future," Shining said, wrapping a foreleg around Cadence.
"I propose a decree!" Celestia said, snagging several more bottles of cider and passing them to her sister and niece before lifting her up. "Luna, when would be a good day to create a new holiday?”
Luna, due to the phases of the moon, had always been better at dates then her sister. "Well... what about a month after Nightmare Night? That has always been dead space on the calendar.”
"That sounds wonderful! Then I decree that every year, one month after Nightmare Night, families in Equestria will gather together and share food, fun and stories. It will be a time to remember what has come before and the joy of the bonds of friendship they now have. And we shall calll it-"
"Tydalmas," the capricorn proclaimed.
Luna rolled her eyes in good humor. "How about Story Night?"
"Needs something with a bit more flair... how about Tale Teller's Night?" Shining suggested.
Cadence kissed him on the cheek. "I like it."
"I do too." Celestia lifted her cider and the others did the same. "Happy Tale Teller's Night!"
"Happy Tale Teller's Night!"
The strange family took a long drain from their bottles.
Luna, finishing her bottle, tossed it into the fire. "I have the sudden urge to go shopping for discount tvs."
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!"
Shining glared at Tydal, who was waving a bottle of hard cider about as he sang at the top of his lungs. The trees were rushing past them and the light snow that had fallen onto the ground crunched as the sleigh zipped along it. The captain of the guard, however, wasn’t in a good mood, considering who he had to sit next too; this was perfect snuggling weather, but instead of being next to his wife he had a half-mad sea god bleating in his ear.
"Could you sing something that is a little less offensive?"
Tydal shot Shining a scathing look (though it was difficult to look too intimidating when he was wearing a pair of ski goggles). "How is that offensive? It is a jaunty holiday tune for every pony to enjoy!"
"It is a slave hymn!" Shinign complained with a huff. "And considering Luna is pulling the sleigh..."
"Why am I pulling this thing again?" Luna complained. She was managing it just fine (super strength and godly endurance for the win) but that didn't mean she wasn't annoyed by it. She was also decked out in a pair of ski goggles and her normally billowing mane was tuck up in a nice knit hat.
"Jaunty?" Cadence said, brow furrowed.
"Well, little sister, we drew straws and you lost," Celestia stated calmly from where she sat in the sleigh.
Shining continued to glare at the capricorn. "That song speaks of the days when ponies were forced to work for no pay... ripped from their homelands and made prisoners of cruel masters. When they were tied to sleighs and told to pull or die... and when they took a wrong turn and they got stuck in a snow bank their masters would just point and laugh! It is vile and unsuited for these cultured times."
"I don't remember drawing straws," Luna said as she turned back towards the road, pawing at the frozen ground.
The pink alicorn stared at Tydal in confusion. "Did you really say jaunty?"
"When the hay did we draw straws?!?"
"We drew them while you were sleeping," Celestia informed the lunar princess. "We didn't see why we should bother waking you."
"What is wrong with saying jaunty?" Tydal asked in annoyance. "And so help me Shining, if you claim that is a slave word too-"
“Wait, I get it!” Cadence said in glee. “We are in the snow and this is the COLD opening! Ha!”
The rest of the group just stared at her. “Cadence, what are you talking abo-“
The God Squad Episode 20: Kali Ma... Kali Ma!
It was just an ordinary day for everypony's favorite totalitarian goddess sisters and their brother the war god, their sex crazed baby sister and her husband.
"The Great Whale."
"The Well of Souls."
"The Tower of Babel."
"The Garden of Equestrian Delights."
"The Spear of Destiny."
"The Holy Grail."
Shining watched as Tydal and Cadence continued to bicker. It was surprising just how heated the fight was getting; every few minutes the two would stop and butt their heads together, which was a bit amusing, considering Tydal was several times bigger than Cadence. It made them appear as if they were a parent and child fighting about a bedtime. They would snarl and gnash their teeth then go back to walking, throwing out whatever strange string of words they wanted.
"The Red October."
"The Black Gate of Mordor."
"Shaft... can ya dig it?"
"The Abyss."
Shining could just make out Phillydelphia's boarder and he was anxious to make it there by nightfall; not because he was worried about dangers (when you had the most powerful beings backing you up things like robbers were no longer a concern), but because he didn't want to sleep on the ground again (Shining had a phobia about dirt ever since his sister, when she was 3 months old, had used her magic to hit him with a shovel and bury him in a shallow grave). They would never make it though if his wife and Tydal continued to bicker.
"What are those two fighting about?" he asked the royal sisters, gesturing towards his wife and uncle/brother-in-law.
"Which one has the better nickname for their reproductive organ," Luna muttered as Tydal and Cadence squared off again.
"The Hammer of the Underworld," Tydal thundered.
"The Widow Maker," Cadence shot back.
"... what the hay is wrong with this family?" Shining exclaimed. Tydal and Cadence stopped their fighting and looked at Shining like he had lost it.
"Many things, why do you ask?" Cadence and Tydal said together.
"We use the word hay as a curse word, to start with," Celestia pointed out, leaning down to sniff a rose that was blossoming near the side of the road. "We also had a crazy mother who was emotional abusive and had a bad habit of abandoning her children if she saw something shiny..."
"And except for Tydal and the rest of the older siblings, we were raised by other family members," Luna pointed out. "And those family members are also insane..."
"We're all related to Discord," Tydal pointed out. "I hate his guts and I lost a 1000 years to being trapped in stone thanks to him, but the point remains."
"... that is a terrible nickname for your Happy Maker," Cadence said. "Too wordy."
"So is every member of your family insane?"
"We're all insane, Shining... some of us are just ahead of the curve," Celestia answered. "Granted, my insanity comes from the fact that I like to drink."
"That said, we are out of booze." Tydal threw an empty away, grinning as the glass bottle shattered against the tree. His face screwed up. "And I need to see somepony about a horse."
"...sexually?" Cadence asked, confused.
"I have to drain the lizard."
"...sexually?"
"I have to make the bald serpent cry."
Shining groaned, cutting his wife off. "Stop saying double entendres!"
Tydal waved them off, wandering into the bushes. "Yeah yeah yeah, just stand there and shut up." They heard him trample through the underbrush, muttering to himself. "Now, you all might want to duck, because I am going to turn around and I don't want to smack you with my- hey... who the hell... ow! OW! You little... what the, how are you even... HEY!"
"Is... is he fighting with his Happy Maker?" Cadence asked.
"I really hope he isn't," Shining moaned.
They heard the sound of several bodies falling, a few yelps, and coconuts being struck together. Before any of the others could begin to question what was going on they got their answer via a group of robed ponies bursting from the treeline. Tydal was thrashing in a clearly enchanted net (you could tell it was enchanted because there was still a sales tag on it that said 'enchanted net') that the robed ponies dragged behind them. The sea god was cursing so violently that several ladybugs became lesbians just hearing it.
Just as quickly as they appeared they were gone, with only the echo of Tydal's filthy mouth drifting through the air.
"What... the... (censored)," Luna said.
"Do you think Tydal was kidnapped?" Cadence asked.
"No... I think he went with them of his own free will and we should respect his wishes. Let's move on with out lives and forget all about him."
"Captain Armor..." Celestia warned.
"Fine, we'll chase after the murderer and the ponies that captured him."
~MC~MC~MC~
"And that is the 253rd thing I am going to do to your mothers when I get out of this net!" Tydal roared, trying to find a way out of his restraints. His tail blade kept striking the ropes, only to find that whatever enchanted the cord made it capricorn-proof (since the return of the capricorns, capricorn-proofing things and buildings had become a booming business). "Now, the other hamburger will ALSO be made out of her lungs! That's 254!"
"Please stop threatening us!" one of the robed ponies exclaimed. "We are just doing our job here!"
"Threatening? Oh, no no no no no... that wasn't threatening... you want threatening?" Tydal's eyes darkened. "Here is threatening!"
(Author's Note: Due to international law, we are unable to post here just what Tydal said next. The threat has proven to be so utterly disgusting and vile that when we showed it to some Japanese business men they committed ritual suicide out of utter despair. To make up for the inability to show this part of the story, here is a a scene featuring Dinky reenacting the Rohan Charge from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
Dinky trotted in front of the gathering of fillies and colt. Each had a stuffed animal strapped to their back and opposing them on the other side of the playground there was a battalion of cute little bunny rabbits that were nibbling on some carrots.
"Sweetie Belle, take your riders down the left flank. Pip, follow the pretty flag I made down the center! Ruby Punch, take your company right after you pass the main wall!" She reared up, her little horn gleaming in the sunlight. "Forth and fear no cute twitch noses! Arise! Arise riders of Ms. Cheerilee's class! Horns shall be shaken, math homework shredded! A fun day, a red day, ere the lunch bell rings!"
The other fillies and colts, having nothing better to do other than join in the fun, did as she said.
"Whatever happens, stay with me," Silver Spoon told Diamond Tiara. "I'll look after you."
"We need to seriously talk about your personal space issues," Diamond complained.
Dinky ran down the line of little ponies. "Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride for ruin and the end of recess!" She reared up on last time, pointing her foreleg at the bunnies. "Muffins!"
"...huh?" every other pony said.
"MUFFINS!" Dinky cried again.
The CMCs shrugged. "MUFFINS!"
"MUFFINS!" the others called out.
"FORTH MS. CHEERILEE'S CLASS!"
And with that, the greatest charge of fillies and colts against bunnies occurred.
(Author's Note: We now return you to your regularly scheduled crappy fan fic about out-of-character gods and a violent OC)
The robed ponies were lying on the ground, whimpering and covering their ears. "Please, stop it!"
"But you wanted me to threaten you!" Tydal complained. He'd somehow managed to fashion voodoo dolls of all of them and was sticking pins in their eyes.
"Stop right there!" Celestia called out, bursting from the treeline with the rest of her family. "That is our blood-thristy monster and you can't take him!"
"Yes, stop," Shining said dryly and with no passion. "By all means, let him go."
Cadence grabbed a bush and jabbed her horn at it. "Let him go or I'll kill this shrub!"
"About time you all showed up!" Tydal complained. "Now let me out of here so I can begin to blood-letting. My tail is all itchy and the only cure is the flesh of ponies."
The robed ponies, however, showed no sign of hearing any of them. Instead, they all crawled over to Luna and began to kiss her hooves (it wasn't as sexy as it sounds). The lunar princess stared at them, a look of disgust twisting her features.
"She has returned!" the robed pony who was clearly the leader said in awe.
"Who has?" Cadence asked, still threatening the bush.
"Our dark queen, Nightmare Moon! All hail the Mare in the Moon!"
"Hail! Hail! Hail!"
Luna frowned. "Uh... ok then."
One of the robed ponies suddenly noticed who else was standing near them. "It is Celestia the sun witch! Kill her before she can banish our Queen!"
"Crap in a hat," Celestia muttered as the robed ponies threw a net over her.
"You ever hear of Earth?" Lyra asked as her and Bon Bon rode in the carriage down the street.
"You mean the dirt?"
"No, not earth as in dirt. Earth as in the planet. I've done alot of research about it-"
"This isn't going to be about humans, is it?" Bon Bon asked.
"Of course it will be," Wall Breaker said, poking his head in from the roof of the carriage. "Lyra's entire bit is that she loves humans. Having her not talk about them would be like shipping Vinyl Scratch with Braeburn."
"...please get off our carriage," Bon Bon asked. The guard gave her a salute and leapt off, letting the two mares get back to their conversation (and wonder why the royal guard was in Ponyville NOW and not when there was one of their weekly Ponyville-Will-Be-Destroyed Disasters). "Anyway, you were saying about humans..."
"Well, just that I find them so fascinating. For example, their language is similar to ours... just with... well, differences."
"Like what?" Bon Bon asked.
"Do you know what they called a ponywich in France?"
"Don't you mean Prance?"
Lyra shook her head. "No, I mean France."
"Uh... ok, I don't know, what do they call a ponywich in France?"
"A manwich."
"A man-wich?"
"Yeah," Lyra said. "The dominate species is man, so they call it a manwich. Nothing gets called pony-."
"So the Ponychester United Football team is..."
"Manchester United."
Bon Bon crinkled her brow. "Creepy. What about everypony... do they say everyman?"
"Nah, they say 'everyone'."
"One, like the number?"
"I don't get it either," Lyra said.
"One more question."
"Sure."
"Where the hell are we going?" Bon Bon asked as the carriage jerked to a stop in front of a crudely drawn house that looked like something the Cake foals had colored.
"I don't think the author thought that far ahead," Lyra said, before letting out a gasp. "Oh no! Now I am breaking the fourth wall too!"
The God Squad Episode 21: The Joy of Sect
"Nightmare Moon..." Tydal said with as much mock sweetness as he could, "would you be a dear and tell your little minions to GET ME OUT OF THIS #$^%ing NET?"
Luna looked down at the fawning ponies that were kissing her hooves. "Uh, you heard my brother. Release them."
"As you wish, oh most beautiful of dark ponies." Several of the robed ponies pulled the nets from Celestia and Tydal, backing away quickly when the capricorn snapped his teeth at them. "Do not worry, brothers and sisters! Her most pleasant smelling, Nightmare Moon, will protect us from the deadly sun witch and the mutant goat."
"Mutant?!?" Tydal shouted as Luna sniffed herself.
The leader of the mob nodded. "Of course... we assume you had radioactive waste poured on you that's why your tail is all screwed up."
"That would actually explain a lot," Shining admitted.
"Permission to kill?"
"Denied," Shining said, turning towards the leader of the group. "So... you follow Princess L... I mean Nightmare Moon?"
"And where did you get these wonderful robes?" Cadence purred, rubbing head head against one of the strange ponies. "Mmmm... I'd love to rub my naked flank all over this..."
"Honey, could you please not seduce ponies in front of me?"
"It's not seduction, it's sexual harassment!"
The one being rubbed merely smiled. "Fear not, white stallion with flowing blue locks! All of us have been castrated, so I feel no sexual desire for your nympho."
Tydal blinked. "Ah, so you're wethers. That explains why you didn't react when I said I'd cut off your-"
"Oh most wondrous of ponies with the firmest of behinds!" the leader said, falling once more to his knees. "We, your loyal cult, are here to serve you! Cast off your disguise and let use gaze upon the beauty that is your taunt naked flank. Then we will watch in rapt joy as you murder the goat and your sister and begin your rule!"
"Wow, this is getting dirty, even for me!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Family meeting!" Celestia called out. Luna nodded, yanking her hoof away from the fawning ponies and hurried over to her sister. "Ok... so we need to trend lightly here."
"What do you mean?" Shining asked.
"They are clearly insane, worshiping Nightmare Moon. If we let on that you are no longer evil, little sister, they might snap."
"Should we run away?" Cadence asked.
"No," Tydal stated. "I really don't like the idea of an evil cult running around that wants to shove me in another net. We need to find their base of operations and then kill them all." At the sour looks Tydal rolled his eyes. "Or... show them the magic of friendship or whatever rot you want. Bloody bleeding hearts..."
"How do you suggest I do that? Should I pretend I am Nightmare Moon and kill you? I can do it, but I won't enjoy it." Luna began to charge up her magic. “You want it quick and painless or slow and blood-freezing?”
Celestia gave them a smile so filled with deviousness that Discord would have fallen to his knees and asked her to marry him at the sight of it (Discord, of course, not being a statue... it would be hard for him to propose if he were a rock). "No... I think it is time Nightmare Moon introduced her worshipers to her brother and sisters."
Tydal let out a groan. "You don't mean we have to go to 10%, do you?"
"Pretty much," Celestia confirmed.
Luna clapped her hooves in glee. "Oh... I love 10%!"
"Speak for yourself!" Tydal muttered. "You get to keep your skin."
"Anypony want to tell me what the hay you are talking about?" Shining complained.
"You see, sweetie," Cadence began, "how you see the four of us right now is... kinda... maybe... not how we really look."
"...pull the other one."
"I'm serious," Cadence said. "What you have to understand is that us gods... we are literally our special talent. Luna is the night, Celestia is the day, Tydal is the sea and I am love. We are those elements... but we can't show our true forms because if we did we might destroy the world. And I mean literally; the raw power we'd be oozing alone would scramble your brains and that is ignoring the fact that we'd be so big we could use the planet as a beach ball."
Shining shook his head. "So... what I am looking at is-"
"1% of our true forms. We have the ability to control just how much of ourselves we reveal. 1% is the safest but, if needed, we can go to about 20 to 30% without causing too many plagues." Cadence stepped back and the four gods began to glow. "It is going to get intense..."
"Wait... so what will you look like? I mean, will you be some black alicorn with mirror wings that spends too much time monologuing?"
All four of the deities just stared at him, even as their bodies were beginning to glow (in a totally non-Doctor Who sort of way).
"...how about a big world of no," Luna said. "God, that would be the stupidest thing..."
Shining turned towards his wife. "Cadence, I don't-"
"Shining Armor, please be quiet," Celestia said, gritting her teeth. "I am trying to not burn you all alive!"
Shining and the cultists let out a yelp when the four deities exploded with godly energy.
The first one to appear from the flames was Luna and all at once Shining recognized her 10% form as that from his terror-filled dreams: jet black coat, dragon eyes, fanged mouth, and silver armor. She now stood as tall as Celestia and Tydal and her every movement spoke of darkness and corruption. Nightmare Moon had returned.
"Try not to wet yourself, Shining," Luna purred, her voice having dropped down into the sexy melody it had held during the Summer Sun Celebration. The cultists fell to their knees and bowed their heads as Luna walked towards them. "Rise, my followers, rise... today is a joyous day; my sisters and brother have seen the light and now join me, ready to help bring about a new age in Equestria!"
The energy that consumed Celestia died and Shining let out a gasp. Where the beautiful white alicorn had stood their was a terrible queen of fire and light. Beneath her flank there seemed to run rivers of molten lava that pulsed in time with her heart. Her eyes and teeth were now like her sister's and her beautiful mane burned like the fires of Tartarus. Scorched armor was affixed to her body and Celestia sneered as she stepped forward. To be caught in her gaze was to be laid naked before the raging sun.
"Corona Hellstar, the Mare in the Sun!" Luna declared as Celestia tossed Shining a wink.
Tydal was next, letting out a savage roar. His skull, horns, spine, tail, and parts of his legs appeared to be made out of polished black obsidian. Between these pieces, instead of flesh, there swirled dark waters that churned like the ocean during a perfect storm. His eyes remained as they had always been but, every once and a while, Shining would see a flash of lightning within their stormy depths.
"Darkwater Abyss, lord of the malestrom!" Luna called out with dark glee. Tydal sneered as he walked over, his entire attitude that of a barbarian king. "And finally..."
The last blaze died down, revealing the transformed Cadence. Shining Armor's jaw fell to his knees (which was a sign of weak jaw muscles and something he should have examined) . Her pink flank was now a crimson red that offset her smokey dark eyes. Every attribute seemed to have been enhanced to perfection: she now stood as tall as 'Nightmare' and 'Corona', with shapely legs, a toned rear and long, graceful neck. Her mane curled about her like a playful kitten and her every step was that of a predator. She was the epitome of sex and love and life rolled into one mouth-watering package.
"Mi Lujuria," Cadence said, her breathy voice making Shining shiver. She moved towards him and leaned down, planting a tail-curling kiss upon him. When she pulled away she smirked, licking his snout before turning to the cultists. "This is my companion, the Black Knight."
"He doesn't look like a black knight," one of the cultist stated. Luna took a step forward and the robed pony trembled. "But who are we to judge the paramour of the most tasty one's sister!"
"Very smart answer," Luna said, using her mane to gently slap the offending cultist against the cheek (By Herself, had she missed doing that!). "Now then, show us to your base."
"Our base?" the apparent leader of the ponies whispered.
"But of course!" Celestia said, a vicious smile gracing her fanged mouth. "All your bases are belong to us."
"But... but of course!" the stallion exclaimed, hurrying to get his followers up. "Come now, come now... we must hurry! She whose butt can crush diamonds and tastes like vanilla pudding wishes to see our base."
"Oooo, your butt tastes like pudding?" Cadence said with glee (though it lost some of its cuteness when it came out of her now sultry form). "Can I have a nibble?"
"Shhh!' Luna hissed. "Don't break character."
"You are in character, right?" Shining whispered.
"Yes and no," Tydal stated, the five of them drifting to the back of the crowd so they could talk in private. "Being in this form does cause us to be a bit more extreme in our actions that we'd normally be."
"... you're going to kill us all, aren't you?" Shining whimpered.
Cadence nuzzled him. "Don't worry, my love. All Tydal means is that being in these forms makes us act more like what they represent. Luna is like the cold yet romantic moon. Celestia is the powerful, burning sun. Tydal is the sea... changing always, going from rage to calm. And I am lust and love..."
"Which means she's even a bigger slut," Luna snarled in annoyance. Her eyes went wide and she slammed her hooves against her mouth. "I'm so sorry... that was Nightmare talking!"
Cadence nodded her head happily. "It's ok, I am a total slut. Let's have an orgy, right now!"
Celestia rolled her eyes in utter disdain. "How I am related to you stupid, peabrain-"
Tydal whipped around, snapping his razor sharp teeth inches from Celestia's nose. "Call me that again and you'll be dinner!"
"Try it, fish boy!" Celestia grunted.
"Guys!" Shining called out in a panic. "Get a grip!"
Celestia and Tydal blinked, their senses returning to them. "I... I am so sorry Celestia..."
The sun goddess rubbed her check against his, the flames that made up her mane causing some of his watery skin to steam. "No... I am sorry. Everything is so raw and primal..."
"Now you see why we rarely take these forms," Luna stated, nuzzling Cadence in her attempt to apologize. "It is easy for us to lose ourselves to the power and... well, we react without restraint."
"Suddenly Nightmare Moon makes a lot more sense," Shining stated.
Celestia nodded. "Yes... my dear sister attempted to take this form in order to prove herself my equal and it... well..."
"It drove me mad," Luna admitted. "It was only through the Elements of Harmony that I was able to regain my senses and return to my 1% form."
Cadence let out a long sigh; it was clear she was fighting off some naughty images of her and her aunt (and Shining... and Tydal... and Celestia... and a few rocks she had seen along the way). "You need to be the one to watch us, Shining. You need to make sure we don't lose it... or Equestria will have four terrors to deal with instead of one."
"Joyous," Shining grumbled. "I am babysitting four all-powerful beings. What could do wrong?"
"We could try and kill you in your sleep," Tydal stated. "Or corrupt you and make you our minion."
"Or we could torture you for weeks until we drive you insane," Luna supplied.
"I wasn't looking for answers!" Shining exclaimed in protest.
"I don't understand why it is so difficult for you to follow my orders to the letter!"
Wall Breaker and Logic Point glanced at each other before looking at Prince Blueblood. "Uh, my Prince?" Logic Point said slowly, "I don't understand what the problem is. We have followed all of your orders to the letter."
"No, you have not! You have followed what I wrote down and what I have said but when i have changed my mind you have failed to adjust your actions!"
"You... want us to read your mind and figure out when you decide to change plans?"
"Yes!" Prince Blueblood exclaimed.
Wall Breaker turned his head to stare at the thin air. "This is what we would call being 'Too Stupid To Live'."
"What did you just say about me?" Blueblood shouted.
"I didn't say anything."
"Yes you did, I just heard you!" Blueblood exclaimed.
"I was talking to the audience, not you. You can't hear me when I talk to the audience... it is called a soliloquy. It's kinda my thing."
"Wait... so I am suppose to just ignore you if you turn your head and talk to the nothingness?"
"No. You ignore me when i am talking to the audience." Wall Breaker turned his head once more to prove his point. "I think he is also a bit of an idiot manchild."
"There, you did it again!" Blueblood shouted.
"Right, but you can't know what I said."
"I heard you," Blueblood said.
Logic Point sighed. "My prince, just let it go."
"No, I will not! I heard you call me an idiot manchild!"
Wall Breaker smiled and patted the unicorn on the head. "You only think you did but you didn't."
"I didn't?" Blueblood said, confused.
"Indeed. You can't hear me when I talk to the audience."
"Can... can I hear you right now?"
"Of course. It would be silly if you couldn't."
"THAT would be silly?" Logic Point complained. When the two nodded the guard rolled his eyes and stomped out of the room. "I am going to go hit my head against a wall until I no longer care."
Prince Blueblood and Wall Breaker stared off into space. "Clearly he is nuts," the two said, before glancing at each other and giving hooves up (which were like thumbs up but a lot more lame).
The God Squad Episode 22: Cult It Out
"There it is... the Palace of the Moon!" the leader of the cult declared.
"Wow," Luna whispered, staring at the grand structure that stood in the distance. It looked absolutely gigantic, dominating the landscape and imposing its dark shadow upon all that saw it. The entire thing was made out of black granite (because it being made of polka dot granite would have been silly and impossible, since polka dot granite had become extinct 230 years ago) with towering towers (again, silly, because what else would towers do?) violet spikes (which were also violent) and a deep moat that threatened to consume all that dared to swim across it (much like Lindsey Lohan... ah, topical references). "Very, very impressive!"
"Thank you! We look forward to opening it up in the next 10 years."
"Say what now?" Luna said, brow furrowed.
"Well... the palace isn't ready, of course. We were established only 4 months ago so we haven't been able to get it built yet. But we started a Kickstarter account and are getting a lot of donations."
"Who is Kickstarter?" Tydal questioned.
Shining frowned as part of the capricorn's watery skin dripped on his shoulder. "So pony who helps get donations for inventors and different groups."
"Ah."
The leader of the cult walked over to the 'Palace' and, with a knock of his hoof, revealed it to be nothing more than a finely painted billboard. "Let me assure you though, oh most beautiful of fanged monsters, that our current residence will do you proud.
~10 Minutes Later...~
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Luna snarled at her sister. It was only the combined efforts of Tydal and Cadence that kept the moon goddess from tearing her cackling older sister to shreds. Celestia, for her part, was rolling on the ground, unable to contain her laughter. Parts of the floor caught on fire as Celestia rubbed her burning mane upon the ground. The cult members didn't seem to pay any attention, as they were scurrying about, wanting to put the final touches on their hideout.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL AND LEAVE THIS WORLD IN ETERNAL NIGHT!" Luna roared.
Shining hurried over, waving his hooves in front of Luna's face. "No no! No need for that!" He leapt over to Tydal and slammed a bucket he had found into the capricorn's back, gathering some water which he used in an attempt to put out the flames.
"Hey! That's my skin!" Tydal shouted. "You want water?" Lightning cracked in his eyes and everypony could feel the air becoming very moist. "I can give you water..."
"No floods either!" Shining pointed a hoof at a still snorting Celestia. "And no more fires! And Cadence, sweetie, stop pole dancing!"
"Sorry," Cadence said, disintegrating the pole she had created in the middle of the room.
"Now, I want all of you to take a breath!" When the gods blinked at him Shining jabbed his horn at them. "Unless you want little pink force field bubbles shoved up your rectums I would do as I ask!" He whipped around to a grinning Cadence. "And if you DO want want, sweetie, then you need to focus."
"...ok," the immortals said sullenly.
"That's better."
Celestia stood up, stomping out one of the small infernos she had started. "Shining Armor is right... we must try and contain ourselves. Our hormones are so much stronger in these forms-"
Cadence, for no reason whatsoever, began to sob. Her horn flashed and a gallon of ice cream appeared, which she began to shovel into her mouth while humming Sapphire Shores' latest hit about heartache.
"-so we need to focus and keep a hold of our senses." Her lips began to twitch. "Even if we are in an abandoned children's theme restaurant..."
"STOP MAKING FUN OF MY MINIONS!" Luna shouted, stopping her hoof.
"There is nothing funny about this," Tydal grunted, trotting over to one of the play areas. "This was clearly a place of great evil. Just look at this cage the foals were forced to sit in... they must have fought against these orbs, which were always threatening to suck them into the darkness."
"Tydal... that is a ball pit," Shining said.
"Truly one of the most horrible things I have ever seen."
"Oh great and powerful mistress of magic fair and foul!" the cult leader called out.
"Your boyfriend is back," Celestia cooed.
"He isn't my boyfriend! Stop picking on me!"
Shining glowered as the sisters bantered with each other. "Nightmare Moon was basically a teenager on a power trip... that explains so much and yet so little."
Luna gave her sister the cold shoulder, turning her dragoness-stare upon the leader of her minions. "Yes, moon slave?"
The cult leader moaned obscenely at the new nickname.
The cult leader nodded his head. "But of course, she who has the most hairiest of flanks. I merely came-"
Tydal gagged.
"-to tell you that we are ready for the main event. Please, come with me." The leader led the group past the arcade and the Whack-A-Discord (a fan favorite) and into the main dining room. Already much of the cult was seated at their tables with pizza and soda being consumed. Luna looked longingly at the food but had to bypass it, as she and the rest of her family was being led upstage, where a special table with microphones had been set up. "Take a seat!" the leader said happily.
Celestia sat down, only to whip her head around when one of the robotic figures still on the stage (this one in the shape of a giant sloth) powered on and turned towards her. "Hiya everypony!” the robot said, his accent like Applejack’s if she had been beaten in the head with a shovel as a child (and she may have been, who knows what Granny Smith liked to do for fun?). “My name is Grease E. Gus and welcome to my all-star review.”
Celestia slowly turned her head towards the robot. “Urge to kill rising...”
“Now then, I done heard that it was some little filly or colt’s birthday! Is it your birthday today?"
"No." Celestia said in annoyance, her eyes flashing crimson.
"Well, I am super excited to hear that, because I have a special birthday song for you! Would all ya’ll like to hear it?"
"No!" Celestia repeated.
"Alrighty! And a 1 and a 2 and a 1,2, 3, 4!" Tydal let out a yelp when an otter robot near him began to play the guitar while several other band members came to life and began to sing. "Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy-"
"I think the recording is skipping!" Shining shouted over the noise.
"No, this is the song!" the cult leader shouted. “Goes on for like twenty minutes before they get to the ‘birthday’ part!”
"Permission to kill?" Tydal yelled over the unholy din.
"Granted!" Shining called out.
Celestia opened her mouth and let loose a blast of solar fire that burned Grease E. Gus to his wire frame. Tydal lashed out, his stone tail cutting the otter's head off. The air above Luna's head shimmered before several shooting stars appeared, unleashing their fury on the drummer. Cadence, for her part, took her empty ice cream container and smacked a sea cucumber robot until the music stopped.
The cult blinked before bursting into applause.
"See how they defeat the robots that have tormented us so? Is not Nightmare Moon and the Moonettes truly the best deities?"
"Moonettes?" Cadence asked.
"If you begin calling us that I will banish you back to that cold rock," Celestia growled.
It was Luna's turn to cackle. "Moonettes, Moonettes, Moonettes..."
Before the sisters could begin fighting again the cult leader cleared his throat and began to address the minions. "Now then, we have waited many weeks for this moment, but with the finding of Nightmare Moon, at long last we can begin... MOONCON 1002!"
"Moon what now?" Luna said.
"Mooncon... a convention dedicated to you, oh perfect evil monster!" the cult leader declared. "We are going to have several Q&As-"
"Uh, I don't know about this," Luna said.
"-and we will be looking at exclusive new flipbooks depicting your many adventures-"
"This sounds really nerdy," Tydal complained, before leaned down and taking a bite out of the robot otter.
"-and of course we will be showing the first images of the Nightmare Moon action figures-"
Shining's brow wrinkled. "Who would want a Nightmare Moon Action figure?"
"How many bits?" Luna said, suddenly liking all of this.
"-and of course there will be Artist Alley... which is in an actual alley!"
"Do they do tasteful nudes?" Cadence asked.
Celestia cleared her throat. "Just how long will Mooncon be?"
"Oh, just a week."
All of the gods (and Shining) let out a moan of protest.
"Will our heroes ever escape the Mooncon? Will they be able to resist the urge to murder innocent ponies? Will they ever get to Chrysalis? Find out next time!"
"And our special moderator for the Q&A is Plotdump the Narrator!" the cult leader said.
"Well well well... look at the Blank Flanks!" Diamond Tiara taunted, a sneer on her lips and a song in her heart (but it was the song 'Friday' so even the song was horrible and wrong). Beside her, her hetreo-lifemate Silver Spoon (the filly and not the show that had Ricky Schroeder and the guy that played Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) was sticking out her tongue and mocking the Cutie Mark Crusaders who were, at that moment, trying to decide which bank to rob to get their 'Super Villain' cutie mark.
"Ya, we get it," Applebloom said in a bored tone. "We have blank flanks. And when we don't you'll make fun of us for not being rich or for the way we talk or for Sweetie Belle's learning disability."
"My what now?" Sweetie asked, confused.
The others ignored the unicorn. "Yeah, we will!" Diamond Tiara said with malicious glee. "You three are worthless and I am the best! There is no one better than me! I am rich, powerful, and I have a cutie mark and if you don't have one then you are scum."
"So, I guess that makes me scum." Diamond and Silver slowly turned around and found themselves staring at a pair of legs. Slowly craning their heads out, the two let out squeaks when they finally locked eyes with Princess Misty, daughter of Tydal, Princess of the capricorns and goddess of bays (who was in Ponyville to ask why her father was still traveling around with his family instead of being at home doing his godly duties). Misty was the exact opposite of her sister: she was stern, tough as nails, and her hair was always straight.
If Coral was the Pinkie Pie of the capricorns, Misty was the Pinkamena.
"I mean, I must be scum, since I have a blank flank too," Misty said coolly, leaning down till her nose bumped into Diamond Tiara's. "Right?"
"Uh...uh... Silver Spoon?"
"...no habla ponyesse."
Before Diamond Tiara could comment on her friend playing Brutus to her Caesar (... it's a reference to a Shakespeare play, you uneducated cretin!), Misty flipped the pink filly onto her tail. "You ever wanted to see the moon?"
"No," Tiara whimpered.
"Too bad," Misty said, before launching the rich snob into outer orbit. "Enjoy the fall back down, bitch!"
"...did she just kill Diamond Tiara?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Who cares? We're free! We're finally free!" Scootaloo and Applebloom began to dance around in glee.
The God Squad Episode 23: Con Job
"Evil... villainous... monster. These are the words we think of when we think of the things we think about thinking when it comes to wicked thinkers," Plotdump said gravely.
Shining shook his head. "Tydal, permission to kill me."
"Denied... if I have to suffer so do you."
"Tonight, at Grease E. Gus' Pizza Palace, we are proud to have the greatest evil mastermind seen in Equestria since Puppy Raper the Mad. I give you.... Nightmare Moon."
The cult members began to cheer, waving signs and blowing on noise makers.
"We love you Nightmare Moon!"
"You are our evil mistress!"
"I'm the cousin of the stallion that likes yelling thing!"
Celestia hung her head. "Maybe if I focus really hard I can burn out the piece of my brain that feels pain."
Plotdump turned his attention towards Luna. "There are so many questions that must be asked. So many pondering thoughts that... race through my brain when it comes to you. But I think the most important is... who... is Nightmare Moon?"
Luna blinked. "Uh... I am."
The crowd waited exactly 15 seconds before bursting into wild cheers and applause.
"That is the truth of the matter, isn't it?" Plotdump said, pressing his hooves together and watching Luna with a creepy, intense stare; it was the kind of stare a man might direct at Justin Bieber before realizing he was a boy and not a lesbian with a short haircut. "That is the sign of a truly self-confident mare... that she is who SHE is. Truly breath-taking and only further proof that none of us are worthy of breathing the air you fire out of your rump."
"... what the hay is wrong with all of you?" Luna exclaimed.
"Indeed... what is wrong with us?" Plotdump turned to the cultists. "What... is wrong with all of us? If we could solve this, then we could achieve,perhaps, 1/5th of the wonderfulness that is Nightmare Moon."
"Which is about 1/19th the wonderfulness of me," Celestia muttered.
Cadence suddenly smiled. "Oh... I get it... we are at a comic book convention based around Nightmare Moon!" She turned to Shining. "I just got it."
"Good for you, sweetie... go back to thinking up new sexual positions," her husband said. Cadence gave him a grim salute, her face hard and determined.
"Now then... let us take a few questions from the audience," Plotdump said. "Yes, you sir."
The mare blinked. "Uh, I'm female."
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure," the mare said. "Unless Nightmare wants me to be male." She turned pleading eyes towards Luna. "Do you? Just say the word and I will attempt to grow a penis right now!" The mare squatted down, her face contorted as she began to grunt and hiss.
"Stay a mare! Stay a mare!" Luna exclaimed in horror.
The cultist nodded pleasantly. "Thank you. Now then... my name is Pickle Jar and I am a long time listener, first time caller."
"Huh?" Tydal said. "What do you mean, caller?"
Pickle Jar ignored the capricorn. "I love you and I love your show....mareship. Your showmareship."
"Thanks... I think," Luna said.
"My question is: does your mane taste like grape jam?"
The four deities and Shining just stared at her.
"Or is it blueberry?" Pickle asked.
"What... the... (censored)?" Luna stated.
"Please forgive her, oh most wonderful bringer of death," the cult leader said quickly. "She's an Asshole."
"That isn't a nice thing to say," Cadence said sadly. "She asked a silly question, yet, but you shouldn't-"
"No, I mean her name is literally Asshole. Pickle Jar Asshole. She is a member of the Asshole family."
"There is an Asshole family?" Shining said in surprise.
Tydal nodded. "Of course... their lineage traces back to Sir Filthy Asshole, who fought in the Battle of Muddy Water."
"I am suddenly aroused and I don't know why," Cadence said, squirming in her chair.
Luna, directed her attention on Pickle. "You are really an Asshole?"
"And proud of it!"
"And so am I!" a stallion proclaimed. "Mr. Fatty Asshole, at your service."
Shining frowned. "Just how many Assholes are in this cult anyway?"
"YO!!" Nearly 2/3rds of the cult said, waving their hoof in the air.
"I knew it! We're surrounded by Assholes!" Tydal declared.
At that moment, a messenger pony trotted in. He looked around before spotting the deities on stage and trotted over to them. "Certified letter for the cast of The God Squad."
"I'll sign for it," Celestia said, applying her Jockey Handycock (named for Jockey Handycock, the famous statespony who signed the Declaration of Feelin' Fine) to the form.
"What does it say?" Cadence asked, leaning in towards her sister/aunt as Celestia ripped open the envelope.
"We're being sued by Mel Brooks for stealing his joke!" Celestia complained.
Luna snatched the letter away. "This is Iron Will excrement!” When the others blinked, she said "Bull plop."
"Ah."
"How much is he suing us for?" Shining asked. Celestia passed over the letter, causing the stallion to let out a long whistle. "Frau Blücher!"
Every pony in the building neighed in protest.
“Great, nice going Shining, now we are going to get sued again!” Luna complained.
"Excuse me," one of the cult members said, standing up. "I have a question."
"Go right ahead, good sir," Plotdump said.
The cult member cleared his throat. "My name is Stickin Damud and I want to complain about all of this! I mean... look at all of you. None of you are acting like you should, you keep breaking the fourth wall and then act like it didn't happen, you keep ripping off Doctor Who and Scooby Doo and other things that rhyme with 'blue'... it's just not funny!"
"Well, it is a little funny..." Luna said weakly.
"No, it really isn't it," Stickin said with a grunt. "I mean, just look at the five of you. First off we have the stupid OC-"
"Hey!" Tydal shouted, Shining moving to restrain him. "I have a PhD in biology, you jerk!"
"-who is crammed down our throats way too much! I hate OCs and they shouldn't exist. Then we have Princess Luna!" he turned to Luna, not caring in the slightest that she looked like Nightmare Moon at the moment. "I mean, you are ignoring everything about yourself. You act like you miss being Nightmare Moon and you behave like some jock in a fraternity-"
Luna let out a burp and crushed a can of beer against her head. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention, bro."
"And just listen to you! You talk with a royal Canterlot voice, not like a normal pony." Stickin turned his nerdy rage on Cadence. "And then there is the whore."
"Ooooooh! That's me, right?" Cadence said happily.
"...enough said. Cadence is suppose to be kind and sweet... not a slut."
"I'm like Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, except I put out," Cadence stated calmly.
"Now see here," Celestia said, not liking the insults being tossed at her family. "I will not stand-"
"You are not Princess Celestia. Celestia is either a troll, a child molester or perfect to the point of being sickening. That is my head cannon and how dare you be anything but that!"
The four gods began to glow with rage.
"Uh... maybe you should stop right now," Shining said with a weak smile. "You bring up some great points but I am sure we can discuss them in a sane and rational-"
"You are the only one in character, Shining Armor," Stickin said with a smug smile. "You suck normally and you SUCK now."
Against all logic, Shining's mane burst into blue flames and godly energy began to pour from his horn as he leapt up into the air, glaring down at the cultists. Even Tydal was shocked and took a step back as Shining landed, death glowing in his eyes.
"Spare no one," he said coldly.
~2 hours Later...~
The four deities, once more in their normal, 1% forms, looked at the rubble that had been the cult’s hideout.
“Wow,” Luna murmured. “That escalated quickly.”
“I’m surprised Shining is the one that snapped,” Celestia muttered. "Who had today in the betting pool?"
Luna raised her hoof and the others, with a grumble, paid up.
Cadence patted her husband’s mane, which was still smoking. “I don’t think the fire damaged too much of your scalp, sweetie. Still, you might want to wear some fancy hats until this bald spot grows back in.”
“So… we are all in agreement, right?” Tydal asked. “We blame this on the gypsies.”
“Yup,” Shining said.
“…weren’t we originally on this trip to find the changelings?” Luna asked.
“A very good question! One that might be answered next time on-“
Once upon a time, in the land of Griffland, there lived a young griffin. There wasn't much that was remarkable about this griffin... he wasn't the fastest griffin or the smartest or even the biggest. He didn't have the largest talons or the brightest feathers or the biggest beak. He wasn't the dumbest or the smelliest or even the most flatulent. He was, for all intents and purposes, an average griffin.
This griffin lived in a small room under the stairs of his aunt and uncle's home, because apparently in Griffland there was no child protective services. He spent his days in that small room, wondering just what lay beyond the walls in the wide open world (of course, if he had known about the crazy fivesome that were the leads of this story, he would have thanked his lucky stars he was safe in his cupboard).
And then, one fine July day (though he couldn't tell it was a fine day because, again, his room was under some stairs) he turned to find an owl sitting on the post of his bed. He didn't remember getting an owl, nor did he remember his relatives getting an owl either. The avian stuck outs its foot and dropped a small scroll on the young griffin's bed.
The scroll read as follows:
Dear Mr. Hairy Grabber,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Pig'roids School of Witchcraft, Wizardy and Refrigerator Repair. Now, we know what you are thinking... griffins don't know how to do magic. But the fact of the matter is that we do and we want to teach YOU how to be a griffin wizard*.
Please be at the train station on July 9th at 3pm so we can begin orientation. I know, I know, school in the summer but hey, godly powers don't come easy or cheap.
We look forward to meeting you!
Sincerely,
The Great Griffin Fuzzy Thinker, Principal.
*Note: We might also want you to defeat an evil griffin wizard that wants to rule the world... maybe. It all depends on how bored we are.
Hairy looked at the owl for a moment, considering how this letter the bird had brought had just changed his life forever.
He then ate the owl. He was a griffin, after all.
The God Squad Episode 24: Cloak and Dagger
"So," Shining said, looking about the dark, dank alley with trepidation, "this is a wonderful place to be mugged."
"It is, isn't it?" Cadence said happily, poking at a piece of rubbish. Her sheltered life in Canterlot (sheltered because Celestia had become fearful about another relative going out and learning 'new ideas' such as democracy and deciding to become the Mare in the Moon out of some misguided idea about freedom...seriously, that was SO annoying) meant that she hadn't the chance to truly explore the world outside of the castle and things like trash and alleys were a source of delight. "Do you think we'll see any hobos? If we do, I would like to try my hoof at killing it."
"Why would you want to kill a hobo?" Shining asked.
"Uncle Tydal made it sound so fun..."
The capricorn grinned, flashing his fangs at Shining. "They make such wonderful squealing sounds."
Luna clicked her tongue in annoyance. "We all know that hobo killing is fun but this isn't the place or the time." She looked around, biting her lip. "I have to agree with Shining when it comes to being mugged here. I keep waiting for Bruce Mane to show up."
"Bruce Mane?" Celestia asked.
"You know..." Luna leaned in close, "Bat Stallion."
"...you are such a nerd," Celestia complained.
"Quiet," Tydal snapped, taking a step forward as his contact appeared from the fog that blanked the city of Fillydelphia. Even Luna's great moon was having trouble piercing the mist and the figure that trotted towards them looked to materialize from the shadows.
But the creature that appeared for the group was no mere pony. In fact, it was not a pony in any shape or form, nor was it a mule or a zebra or even a goat. This creature was a large, shaggy reindeer with a pair of jagged horns branching off from his forehead. It's coat was the color of a fresh raisin cookie right from the oven and the fur hung from his body like a winter coat.
Even this would not have been all that surprising, as there had been a few deer living near the Crystal Mountains, mostly in Winniepeg. But this one differed from the more nimble, lighter does and bucks that most in Equestria knew of: first, this reindeer had sharp teeth like a wolf that it continually licked.
Second, and more shocking, were the pair of great wings that were furled up against its side.
"What the hay is that?" Shining hissed in horror.
"A peryton..." Cadence whispered in awe. "I've only seen them in story books."
The peryton showed no sign of having heard Shining or Cadence. Instead, he trotted towards Tydal, flashing his razor sharp fangs. Tydal responded in kind, his own shark-like teeth gleaming in the overhead streetlamp. The peryton would have been intimidating to a normal pony and would have given the average capricorn a run for his or her money, but Lord Tydal was an immortal and easily 4 times the size of the creature.
"Greetings Snowback, son of Shaggyhide," Tydal said politely.
"Thousand greetings to Lord Tydal, son of The Great Ender." Snowback bowed low, though his show of culture did little to ease Shining's nervousness; the peryton screamed 'predator' and had the unicorn wanted to gallop away (besides, anything that was civil with Tydal was never good).
"May I present Princess Celestia, Luna and Cadence, my sisters daughters of The Creator in my tongue, The Great Ender in yours. Beside Cadence is Captain Shining Armor, son of Night Light." The others bowed, though Shining's was a bit awkward.
"Long as it been since the peryton of the Motherland received word the capricorn nation. We have missed warring with you." Snowback's voice had a strange tone to it; it sounded, at times, as if the peryton was chewing on his Ws and Vs.
Tydal laughed. "Tell your zsar that I have missed warring with him as well. Also inform him that perhaps I should bring the family to visit him... it has been a while since I have seen my little brother and the hospitality of your zsar's house is rivaled by few."
"Are you four not related to any creature?" Shining whispered.
Luna chuckled quietly as Tydal and Snowback continued to exchange pleasantries. "You'll find that you have married into the most powerful family in the universe, Captain."
The rest of the group lapsed into silence as Tydal and Snowback had their back and forth. It was clear that the two of them were engaged in an ancient ritual that was older than most of the ponies in the group.
After a few more minutes of seemingly aimless small talk Tydal cleared his throat and the mood shifted to a more business-like manner. "When I received the snow raven I found myself... confused. What information could the great peryton nation have that would interest the capricorns of the Mareatine."
"None, Lord Tydal," Snowback said. "But the information would be an interest to you." The messenger smiled and bowed again. "And since you are the lord of all capricorns, what concerns you concerns them."
"Then speak up," Tydal stated.
Snowback's wings unfurled and from beneath one a small cask tumbled out onto the ground. Tydal's horns flashed and he brought the cask to his face, cracking it open and extracting the scroll. The peryton merely watched as Tydal's eyes widened in surprise.
"You are sure?"
"Indeed, my Lord."
Tydal's magic flipped open his saddle bag and he pulled out a scroll of his own, which he opened for the peryton to see. "I believe this will compensate you for the information... and see that your standing in Reinssia is elevated.
Snowback gulped in shock. "My Lord..." He said no more, quickly bowing to each of the ponies before giving a grand gesture towards Tydal before hurrying back into the fog.
"What... what that all about, brother?" Celestia asked.
Tydal smirked. "The perytons move up in their society by providing for the nation. The more glory or resources you provide, the grander your standing. I just provided Snowback with a treaty that will give the peryton exclusive rights to fish in one of the northern bays. There will be mackerel aplenty in the street markets this year." His eyes twinkled with mischief. "Of course, now Snowback will think kindly of me and will seek me out when he discovers information... always so useful to have well-placed assets."
"That is so sneaky I feel the urge to check my purse," Luna stated. "And I don't even own a purse!"
Shining shook his head. "None of this explains exactly what could be so important that you dragged us out of the hotel at 3 in the morning."
Tydal chuckled. "Oh, it is worse than that. I checked us out." Before Shining or the girls could complain, Tydal showed them the scroll he had been given. "I think this will make up for any discomfort."
Cadence stared at the map, tilting her had as if she expected the words to change. Shining's jaw dropped despite his hatred for such cliched reactions. Celestia merely smiled, nodding in approval at her brother's acquisition.
"That... that..." Luna stammered before getting a hold of herself. "That is a map to the Changeling Hive!"
"Indeed," Tydal said, tucking the map into his saddlebag. "With this, we'll be able to find Chrysalis."
"You...you mean we're actually going to set out and do what we set out to do?" Shining shouted. “We aren’t going to just forget the whole reason we began traveling and continue having wacky adventures?!”
Tydal merely shrugged. "Yeah, I'm surprised too! Now then, I want a donut before we leave…"
"Prince Blueblood, there are some... concerns about how you are behaving as ruler of Equestria."
Blueblood, lounging on his throne (which was padded with nearly every pillow in the castle... as golden thrones were nice to look at by a pain on the flank), lazily looked at his adviser, Worry Wart. He clanked his hooves together and a page quickly hurried over to the wizened pony, glancing only briefly at the Prince before speaking. "His Majesty would like you to kindly bugger off, as he is not in the mood to hear your dribble."
"... I am sorry, but who are you?"
The page glanced at Blueblood, who barely nodded. "I am The Mouth of the Prince!" The page grinned, puffing out his chest. "The Prince is simply too important to do his own talking, so I have been selected to speak on his royal highness' behalf, so that he might focus his energies on more important matters!"
"Such as?"
"... I don't know!"
Worry Wart groaned, ignoring the page and focusing his attention on the prince. "My lord, it is things like this that are causing the ponies of Canterlot to speak of revenge and death against you."
Blueblood glanced at another page, who hurried over and, with an exaggerated sigh, rolled her eyes.
"Uh... what was-"
"That," the first page stated, "is the Royal Eye Roller. The Prince is too important to roll his own eyes, which are quite blessed, so he has selected another page to do all his eye rolling for him."
Worry Wart considered this. "And the sigh?"
"An improvisation on the part of the Royal Eye Roller." Blueblood clanked his hooves once. "The Prince is pleased with her decision."
Worry Wart turned and trotted out of the throne room without saying another word, ignoring the idle murmurs that followed after him. He kept his head high and his eyes hard the entire walk out of the castle. He did not stop for anything and even though he soon found himself in the rougher part of Canterlot (the hobos could only afford DOMESTIC wine... the horror) he did not deviate once from his chosen path.
Finally, at the end of a seemingly empty street, Worry Wart sat down on a bench, never looking at the figure that sat beside him. "The Prince has gone mad. For the good of Equestria he must be put down. Do what must be done."
Angel, aka Angelo Bunnitori de Ponyville, wiggled his nose.
The God Squad Episode 25: Ambushed
"Punch Trunky Brown!" Luna called out, smacking Shining on the shoulder.
"Punch Trunky Brown with green moss!" Tydal called out, striking Shining on his unbruised shoulder.
"Punch Trunky Brown again!" Cadence giggled.
"Can we not play this game?" Shining whined as they continued through the Everfree. “I am tired of being hit every time you four see a tree!”
Celestia nodded. "Yes, this is a rather barbaric game."
"Thank you," Shining said pleasantly, ignoring the scowls the others were giving him.
"You know, you use to enjoy barbaric things," Luna pointed out. "I remember a certain older sister that quite enjoyed the gladiator games."
"You liked watching gladiators?" Shining asked, rubbing his sore shoulder.
Celestia let out a throaty laugh. "Oh, of course not, Shining Armor. Do not be silly."
"She WAS a gladiator," Tydal commented, leaning down and snagging a flower, chomping on its petals. "Never seen a mare take to the arena as quickly as Celestia here."
Luna smirked. "That's only because I preferred using my brains over using my brawn."
"IE my dear little sister use to run betting rings," Celestia stage whispered. "How do you think we earned the money to build all our castles?"
Cadence giggled as she happily skipped along the path. "I wasn't a gladiator but I have competed in stuff! Shining, what was that event I was good at?"
"Foxy Boxing."
"Ah, right." Cadence began to sing a nonsense song to herself.
"So, now that we have that settled," Luna said, looking to the heavens for strength (or maybe for a good donut recipe, who knows?), "anypony mind telling me where we are heading?"
Celestia nodded. "Yes, brother, I am curious about that as well. We have the location of the changeling hive, so I am interested to find out why we have not gone directly there."
Tydal scoffed. "We are headed there, but we are taking the smart route. The changelings are located on an island to the east of Zebrica. If we were to try and attack from the southern tip of the continent, the bugs would know we were coming and put up some defenses. And if we try and just cross Zebrica, we will be looking at a long, annoying journey." Tydal gestured towards Shining. "The good captain actually helped me plan out a better route."
Shining smiled slightly. While the capricorn and the unicorn bickered almost endlessly, they had a few things in common; namely both being married to powerful females (Shining to a goddess and Tydal to a former human princess-turned- capricorn god-queen who could face plant him through a wall and glare at a volcano and make it stop erupting) and both had a passion for strategy. When the two of them put their heads together to come up with a battle plan, a wise enemy decided to pack it in and call it a day. "The plan is that we will seek a ship on the coast and make our way to Griffland. From there, we will journey to Prance and then south into Zebrica. We'll be able to mount a sneak attack from the shore and take the changelings by surprise."
"Oh Shining, that is so devious!" Cadence cuddled up against her husband as they broke through the treeline and stepped onto a scenic beach. "Somepony is getting mouth hugs tonight!"
"It better be me, Cadence..." Shining playfully warned.
"I still say we should have gone with my plan!" Luna complained.
"Constructing a giant laser powered by professional wrestlers was never feasible or logical," Celestia said.
"You're not feasible!" Luna countered.
Tydal rolled his eyes. "Girls, could you-"
"GET'EM!"
The fivesome never saw the attack coming. One moment they were playfully bantering with each other, the next they were thrown to the sand with seaweed wrapped around their hooves. Shining struggled against his bonds, only to get a wet fishy tail smacking his face for his trouble. Luna growled and bucked but several of their attackers merely pounced on her. Celestia was worthless as the attackers had discovered the best way to take down the solar princess: tickle her.
"Stop it you little scamps!" Celestia squealed.
"Never!" one of the attackers exclaimed happily. He leapt off of Celestia and pounced on Tydal, who was oddly calm about the situation. "We got you, Lord Tydal! We gots ya good!"
"That you do, little one!" Tydal laughed, his horns glowing as he lifted up the 3 year old capricorn kid who had happily bounced onto his chest. The other little ones giggled, running over to him and nuzzling his chest. The four ponies, even those that had seen this time and again, were shocked at how casually the kids romped on the sea god, happily tackling him and hugging him and giggling up a storm. More surprising was the broad grin Tydal wore as they did so. "You are all going to be fine warriors one day."
"We already are!" a blue scaled capricorn kid giggled, her little tail swishing happily. "We caughts you!"
"Did you?" Tydal asked mischievously, before calling for a small wave that washed over the kids, sending them squirming over the beach. "Don't be so sure!" He leapt to his hooves, his tail lashing out and cutting away the seaweed. "You should never get too lax; you all remember my first rule, don't you?"
"I do," a voice purred in his ear. Tydal stiffened as he felt a razor sharp edge press against his throat. "But it seems you don't..." The new arrival leaned in closer, lips playing against his ear. "What have we here... Lord Tydal caught off guard?"
"I am many things," Tydal stated, a slightly smile forming on his lips. "But I am never off guard!" He slammed his head back, striking his assailant and sending her tumbling back. His grin grew even bigger as he turned around, staring at the capricorn female who had tried to capture him. Her ruby red tail thrashed as she got back onto her hooves, a trickle of blood oozing from her mouth.
"You have a hard head."
"You have a soft one, my queen."
"You love my head, my love," the female taunted.
"Stop it, there are kids present," Tydal teased.
"Make me," his opponent stated, flashing a lewd smile that made Cadence proud.
"Maybe I will," Tydal rumbled, a cocky grin on his face.
"Are you two actually flirting?" Shining complained as Tydal and the female capricorn began to nuzzle each other. Every once and a while they would nip at the other, delivering stinging little love bites that only served to intensify their actions.
"Hello Merida," Luna said, her horn flashing as she ripped away the seaweed that held her before moving to help Cadence (who was enjoying the bondage a bit too much).
"Luna... Celestia," the queen of the capricorn, mistress of the sea, and loving wife of Tydal, gave them a playful wink before returning her attention to her husband. "You let my students get the drop on you... you are getting old and fat as the years go by."
"Oi!" Tydal snapped. "I might be old but I am not fat in the slightest... except where it counts."
"Don't tease a girl if you aren't going to play," Merida stated.
Tydal took a step back, pawing at the ground. "Kids, I am afraid I am going to have to steal your teacher. Please show my sisters and Captain Armor to the Keep." The little capricorns cheered and began to dance around the ponies' hooves, clamoring for them to follow them. "Ready for a nice, long fight, my love?"
"The harder and rougher the better," Merida purred before launching herself at Tydal, the two of them tumbling into the water and out of sight. The remaining adults could only watch as the sea began to churn violently.
"Well then..." Celestia said, turning to Shining Armor, "welcome to the Mareatine... the domain of Lord Tydal."
"Tydal and Merida, fighting below the sea," Cadence sang. "F-U-C-"
"CADENCE!" Shining shouted, covering the ears of a giggling capricorn kid.
"Ah, hello Twilight Sparkle..." Discord said with a taunting smile. All around him the landscape was twisted and altered to reflect his wicked sense of humor: The skies were pink, the clouds rained chocolate, the mountains shrank and grew on a whim and oranges weren't annoying in the slightest. "Here to give it another go?"
"We are here to stop you!" Twilight shouted, standing tall and proud with her revived friends. The elements of harmony shone brightly as the six prepared to take on the corruptor.
Meet Discord from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He is about be defeated by the Elements of Harmony and be turned to stone once again. He could have avoided this fate if he had a sassy gay friend.
"Stop right there!" Sassy shouted, trotting over to Discord. The chaos god blinked in confusion as the purple flanked, blonde maned pony (who was wearing a rather lovely scarf that really brought out the brown in his eyes) walked over to him and shook his head in disgust. "Dissy Dissy Dissy, what do you think you are doing?" Sassy asked, pursing his lips in exasperation.
"Uh... I am getting ready to defeat the elements of harmony once again and finally break Twilight Sparkle's spirit." Discord waved off the strange pony. "Now run along strange little pony and let me-"
"I will do no such thing!" Sassy exclaimed, grabbing Discord's paw and tugging it away. "I want- you really need a mani/pedi, you know that?- I want you to take a good long look at yourself! You are one of the most powerful beings in existence and you are wasting time on these six? That is just sad! Take some pride in yourself!"
"Well... I find them rather amusing-"
"No, my one pony show, ‘Sassy with a Shot of Lemon’, is amusing. This is a cry for help." Sassy shook his head, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “Have you stopped to think even for a second what your friends and family would say if they could see you right now?"
"I... I don't have any friends," Discord admitted. He sniffed, tearing up. "No one likes me..."
Sassy patted him on the shoulder. "Maybe that's because you aren't being honest with yourself. You are a chaos god and you are messing around with the power rangers over there."
"Hey!" Twilight shouted before pulling back, a look of confusion crossing her features. "Wait... was that an insult?"
Pinkie nodded her head. "Yup!"
"... hey!"
Sassy rolled his eyes. "Listen, you bitches are great and I love your manes, but can you give me and Dissy a few moments? I think he needs some ice cream and a good shoulder to cry on."
Rarity cooed as she fluffed up her mane. "Well, I suppose... by the way, I don't suppose you are seeing somepony?"
Sassy gave her a sour look. "Honey, even if I were interested, you could only do better... and I am fabulous!" Sassy threw back his head and laughed as he led Discord away.
"She couldn't tell you were gay?" Discord said in surprise. "I could tell the moment I saw you!"
Sassy just shrugged. "Sometimes love makes you blind... or maybe that is the pepper spray I get when I go to fire island...oooo, I am sassy!"
The God Squad Episode 26: Paint By Numbers
"Well... this isn't what I expected," Shining Armor said as he looked about Tydal's Keep. After playing with Merida's class (and finding it oddly amusing that the queen of the capricorns moonlighted as a preschool teacher) Tydal had bid farwell to his littlest subjects and led his family towards his Keep. After Shining had pressed the issue, Tydal had been tickled pink to explain the strangeness of the capricorn queen being a teacher.
“Capricorn society is run on the belief that all must earn their way and even the most powerful must pitch in. Merida, after dealing with both our twins and you two fillies,” he had cast a smirk in Celestia and Luna’s direction, “is more than able to handle the watching of the kids. She isn’t the only one, of course… there are over a thousand kids spread throughout the Mareatine, but those that dwell in my Keep have Merida as their teacher.”
Luna had nodded her head. “Everyone that lives in the Keep has several jobs. Coral and Misty are the commanders of the royal guard while also serving as event coordinator and head chef, respectfully. I use to work in the library with Celestia.”
Cadence’s brow had furrowed as she stared at her older brother. “And what about you, Tydal?”
The capricorn had grinned. “I, my dear, have many, many tasks, though I have to fight tooth and hoof to get my subjects to actually LET me do my jobs.” He rolled his eyes in good natured annoyance. “They have this insane notion that my sole duty should be going to meetings. It took 143 years to get them to let me help fish for our dinners and train the older kids in the arts of war and pottery making.”
“Pottery?” Shining had asked.
Celestia chuckled. “Yes, but he has a bad habit of singing when he does it.”
“Oh… my love…” Luna crooned to Tydal’s annoyance. “My darling… I hunger for… your touch!”
Shining shook his head as he came back to the present. It would do no good to be daydreaming in Tydal’s Keep… he was surrounded by a species who had made TYDAL their king and shared his view on battle; that was a recipe for disaster.
The stronghold of the capricorn nation was an impressive structure both in design and simplicity. Carved out of sandstone and enchanted 10 ways to Sunday, the Keep looked like a sandcastle a filly might make on a trip to the beach. Watered dripped down its walls and Luna informed Cadence and Shining that, for the most part, the Keep remained hidden under the water and was only risen when guests arrived (capricorns, naturally, having hidden gills that sealed up while they were on land). The longest the Keep had stayed above the waves was when Celestia and Luna had been living there... mostly because Merida refused to let Tydal attempt to give his sisters gills of their own.
"And just what were you expecting, Shining Armor?" Celestia asked as the fivesome made their way down towards the Great Hall. Her eyes shined as she looked about her childhood home, a thousand memories roaring back. This place held some of her happiest memories and it was here, not Canterlot or either her Mother’s mystical home, that Celestia considered home.
"It's... casual," Shining said, trying to find a way to verbalize his surprise. "And bright." Several guards bowed low to the princesses before exchanging smiles and polite words with their king. Tydal looked down at his capricorns and addressed them each by name and offered words of thanks or comments of praise. "Everyone is so happy."
"Tydal never believed in pomp and circumstance," Luna answered, flashing a happy grin at several teenage capricorns who were loitering near a doorway. "How much do you know about capricorn culture?"
"I know that they are warriors who desire a grand death." Shining stated. "They have no problem with fighting dirty and hold out-of-the-box thinking in high regard. They hold the belief that everyone must do their fair share."
"They also hate ponies," Cadence said, skipping along.
"Actually no," Celestia stated. "The capricorns have always been guardians and protectors. They dislike cowardice and those that harm the innocent... sadly, before my sister and my reign, both were in heavy supply in Equestria." She shook her head sadly as she thought of all the lives that had been snuffed out because a pony had delusions of grandeur. Too many times the ponies of Equestria had come to try and convince Tydal to give up his young sisters and each time the results had been bloody. Capricorns believed retaliating a hundred fold; you come to their house unannounced, they capture a city, drive every pony out, then blow it up just to prove they can. "But what do you know about their daily lives?"
Shining blinked. "If they are anything like Tydal they will enjoy harassing me without mercy."
"If any of my subjects is cruel to you Shining you give me the word and I will deal with them," Tydal said gruffly. "You are mine to pick on and my subjects SHOULD know this. They will respect you, Captain, or they will face my wrath." He flashed a smirk at the unicorn before moving to great several more guards who had run up to meet with him.
"Capricorns are very informal," Luna stated as one of the guards said something that had Tydal bursting into laughter. "They tease and the snip at each other but it is out of respect and love."
"So the fact that Tydal constantly belittles me and mocks me..."
"...means that he cares for you a great deal, sweetie," Cadence said happily. "If he hated you, you'd be dead already."
"This is my happy face," Shining said dryly.
Cadence opened her mouth to complain that, no, that WASN’T his happy face (his happy face looked like Twilight’s ‘Mmmm, brownies!’ face) only for the words to die in her throat as Tydal led the group into the main throne room. There were elements of Canterlot's prestige visible in the lair of the capricorns: the guards wore armor that was clearly a precursor to the royal guard's uniform. The vaulted ceiling and long, thin windows were another. And yet there were also differences; there were not banners or flags or anything made of cloth. Instead, the hall was decorated with fine statues that depicted moments of victory and pride for the dwellers of the Mareatine. Different too was the throne, which was just as grand as Celestia's but much more simple in its design. Tydal looked at his throne in disgust, having attempted over the years to destroy it, only for his subjects to build it over and over.
"What's that up on the ceiling?" Cadence asked, drawing her husband's eye skyward. The ceiling was decorated with a grand mural depicting, strangely enough, not a single capricorn but instead all manner of ponies, griffins, minotaurs, mules, tigers, perytons and even the occasional dragon.
"Oh that?" Celestia said with a shrugged. "That is the Mural of the Fallen."
"The Fallen?" Shining asked.
"Yes," Luna stated with a jolly laugh. "Every time Tydal murders somepony, he has their image added to the mural."
"... you're joking, right?" Shining asked.
Luna shook her head. "It is a capricorn thing."
"Look, sweetie, there is your picture!"
Shining's jaw dropped as he stared at the painter who was finishing up on his own depiction on the mural. "WHY AM I UP THERE?!?!"
The painted, noticing that the subject he was painting was 1) not dead 2) standing under him, he let out a 'eep' and hurried down, pausing only long enough to bow before his king. "I am sorry, good pony, but when we heard you were traveling with the king we assumed that you would be killed quite soon."
"Well, now we are caught in a bit of a pickle." Tydal tapped his hoof against his chin. "I suppose I will have to kill you now, Shining."
"WHAT?!?!"
Tydal laughed, tail swaying. "I can't very well have a LIVING pony as a part of my mural! I have images to uphold."
Cadence leapt in front of her husband. "Don't, uncle, we can figure out some other solution!"
Tydal reached out and stroked her mane. "Cadence, it will be ok... we'll set you up with a new lover!" Tydal pointed at the painter who was finishing up with Shining's likeness. "You there, what is your name?"
"I am Stormfront, my lord," the painter said, bowing.
"You want to date my little sister? She is a nymphomaniac and double jointed."
Cadence rubbed her chin, giving Stormfront a long leer. "Well, I guess this COULD work..."
"CADENCE!" Shining screamed. When his wife merely shrugged, the captain decided to make like a leaf and exit the building as fast as possible (Shining was terrible at similes).
The capricorns and the alicorns made it 5 seconds before they burst out into laughter.
"Oh, I so do love the tradition hazing of the new guy!" Tydal threw back his head, laughing in glee.
"When should we tell him that the mural is for creatures you consider friend and ally?" Luna asked.
"Give a few more minutes to freak out, then go get him," Celestia stated.
Queen Merida chose that moment to enter. "You four are very strange."
In the world of evil-stopping there are two types of ponies: those that are the main characters that get all the screen time, and the ones that are in the background who have fanon personalities. These are their stories.
Ponyville Museum, 10 am
"Better be ready, detectives, this one is not going to be pretty," the officer guarding the door stated with a grunt.
Hard nosed, take-no-guff detective (and sometimes classical cello player) Octavia merely nodded her head, biting back a retort. These scenes were never pretty and telling her that did nothing to help her mood. She ducked under the rope and joined her partner (the hard living, hard drinking, hard music playin' unicorn) Vinyl Scratch. She merely nodded her thanks when the white unicorn passed her a cup of coffee, taking a deep sip. While Octavia could not be called a 'morning pony', she was doing a lot better than her partner, who seemed to be barely living, let alone awake. Vinyl had her trademark sunglasses on (hiding her bloodshot eyes), her mane was sticking up all over, and there was a bruise on her cheek for reasons Octavia didn’t want to know about.
"Have a fun time last night?" Octavia asked dryly. If any other pony had said it Vinyl would have assumed that comment to be a snarky insult; with Octavia there was no need to assume.
"Some of us enjoy life rather than having a stick up their ass."
"And some would rather have the stick up their ass than be beaten to near death with it."
"Always knew you swung that way," Vinyl said, barely managing to crack a smile. She took another long sip of her coffee before continuing. "Thunderlane is here."
Octavia grunted in annoyance. The private eye was smart and she had to admit he had a way of breaking cases, but there was nothing an official detective hated more than dealing with a rank amateur.
"It was bright and the sun out, though that did little to chase away the gloom of death," Thunderlane narrated to himself, adjusting the fedora he always wore (except when he didn't). "The sun only served to shine a spotlight on the misery and the filth that made up the city."
"I see he is in top form today," Octavia muttered. She lowered herself down, inspecting the managed form of the pony that had been found by the curator, Mr. Piles. "I know this pony."
"You do?" Vinyl said in surprise. "Who is it?"
"Low Beat... very talented musician... he use to be able to play sax or the violin."
"Use to?" Vinyl asked, using her magic to lift up Low Beat's foreleg, inspecting it for clues. "What happened?"
Octavia let out a sigh. "He got in deep with the wrong ponies and they broke his horn.” She gestured to the stallion’s horn, which had faded break marks all over it. “You know once a horn is broken the magic is never quite the same again. He was... ok, but you knew something was wrong with his music." Ocatvia shut her eyes. "Music was all he had... last I heard he was seeking out any pony he could find hoping they could repair his horn."
"You think the killer might have been somepony he went too?"
"Perhaps."
Vinyl took off her sunglasses. "Well, in that case it looks like our killer's motto was if the pony’s broke..." Vinyl slipped on her sunglasses again, "...don't fix him."
"Somepony get him out of here!" Octavia shouted, before turning to glare at Vinyl. "I thought I told you to stop inviting your brother to crime scenes!"
The God Squad Episode 27: Jaws 5, People Nothing
"So, you look happy as a clam," Cadence said, hovering over her husband. "Or a clam that got a happy."
Shining merely smiled, using his magic to bring his strawberry shake to his lips, giving the mix a nice long slurp. He was wearing a pair of swim trunks and happily bobbing up and down on an inner tube, enjoying Celestia's sun as it shined down upon him. The Mareatine caused his inner tube to rock back and forth, just gentle enough to soothe him without making him sick to his stomach.
"Sweetie, this ALMOST makes up for all the pain and tumor-inducing stupidity I've had to deal with the last few weeks." He paused, taking another sip of his magically enchanted drink (an invention of Princess Misty’s which never got emptied… if Shining weren’t already married he would have run away with the capricorn princess right then and there). “Or living with a bunch of capricorns that worship Tydal.”
Cadence nodded, leaning down and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Well, I for one am glad that you are finally enjoying yourself."
Shining raised his glass in a toast. "Well, once the pranking was done and I could fully enjoy the famous capricorn hospitality, life just turned into one big bag of not-suck."
"I’m glad.” Cadence paused, lips pursed. “So this would be a bad time to mention that there are several sharks circling you?"
Shining merely chuckled, surprising his wife with his casual dismissal of the 5 great whites that were closing in on him, their fins cutting through the water. "Not worried in the slightest." Shining lazily ran his forehoof through the water, taunting the sharks.
"And why is that?" Cadence asked nervously, preparing to dive down and save her apparently suicidal husband, if needed.
The unicorn grinned. "Because Tydal and I cut a deal: I serve as bait and he doesn't let them eat me."
One of the great whites leapt out of the air, jaws opened wide and eyes rolling back as it prepared for the kill. Cadence let out a scream and charged her horn, but she knew that it would be too late. There was a splash of hot blood and the other sharks began to thrash at the smell of the crimson life fluid.
But it was the shark's blood and not Shining's that now dyed the water.
“And I get more of these drinks whenever I want,” Shining stated calmly, taking another sip.
"I am shocked you have so much faith in me, Shining," Tydal said as he popped up to the surface. He shook his tail free of blood and used his magic to lift the shark's corpse up, grinning to himself as he saw that he had fillet the thing with one mighty swipe. His magic flared and he sent it to the chefs that were waiting to use ancient capricorn cooking secrets to make the sharkmeat into a delicious meal (the secret was adding a lot of ketchup).
"It's not faith, it is knowledge... I know you wouldn't risk me getting hurt because if I perish Cadence will terrorize you till the end of time."
Cadence bobbed her head happily. "Yup yup!"
"Clever boy," Tydal chuckled, focusing as he made the ocean swirl and dilute the bloody water till the sea returned to its normal crystal clear. He watched the retreating forms of the other great whites and pouted. "Pity... I would have liked to nab another." His men would get the rest of them, but Tydal’s hunt was done (he’d promised Merida not to get too far from the Keep, as she was already annoyed he would be leaving with his sisters in a day).
"Why all the fuss over a shark?" Cadence asked as she hovered an inch above the water.
"The sharks have learned to fear capricorns. That's why I had to bring Shining this many miles away from my Keep; they won't go anywhere we make our hunting grounds. When we awoke from our stone sleep we were able to catch plenty but now old instincts are coming back and I am forced to resort to these tricks."
"Aren't you half shark yourself?" Shining asked, taking a sip of his drink. "Isn't it weird to be... you know, eating other sharks?"
"As long as it doesn't have goat in it, it's kosher."
"Don't get comfy, Shining," Luna said as she dived down to join the others, her sister hot on her heels. "The ship is ready."
Tydal shook his head. "Traveling over the water... it still sounds strange to me." He shrugged and dove under the waves again, deciding to take one last dip before he was forced to get on the 'boat'. Within moments he was far below them, rocketing through the water and checking on his coastline.
"So, what exactly are we naming the ship?" Cadence asked.
"Why does that matter?" Celestia questioned.
"Because every ship needs a great name!" Cadence would have been bouncing if she weren't flying. "It is... Seamenship 101."
Shining blinked. "You aren't going to giggle at that?"
"Giggle at what?"
"Seamen."
"Why would I?" Cadence asked in confusion.
"... alright then." Shining turned to his rulers/aunts-in-law. "So, did you name it?"
Luna puffed up her chest. "Yes, and it is quite a good name. You see, the only ship we could buy was a grand galleon... or it was. Now it has become a wreck of itself... it has been painted too many times, hauled way too much alcohol, seen many seamen on its deck and is basically a trainwreck." Luna pointed to the shore, where the ship was bobbing in the waters. "Thus, I give you the E.S. Lindsey Lohan!"
"...I still don't get it... what's the joke with seamen?" Cadence asked.
In the land of Equestria, there are many 'What Ifs'. What if Applejack had stayed in Manehatten and become a cultured businessmare? What if Twilight had become friends with Lyra, Bon Bon, The Doctor, Derpy and Big Macintosh instead Pinkie and the rest? What if Zecora was a rapper (it isn't racist if she is a zebra!)? What if Celestia had been Nightmare Moon instead of Luna and they just kept making fan fic after fan fic about that scenario? But the biggest, most pressing ‘what if’ will be addressed here, good readers!
What if Bill Cosby's Floating Head was a cast member of the show?
Applejack sighed as she bucked the tree, sending a nice load of red, juicy apples dropping into her bucket. It wasn't the apples that were making her sigh... she honestly didn't think there was any possible way for apples to make her upset. No, what was making her sigh was the constant stream of whiny complaints from the little filly next her, a certain Apple Bloom. Normally, Applejack wouldn't have minded so much, chalking up the whimpering list of issues as just the normal angst every filly felt. But Applejack found her mood already sour, as she had spent much of the night before trying to wrestle Granny Smith into the tub and thus had not gotten her normal 8 hours of rest.
"Apple Bloom, ya just have to accept that ya'll get your cutie mark when it is time for it to come and not a moment sooner. Ya have to be patient!" Applejack forced herself not to scream the words, remembering that such actions never tempered a filly's complaints (at least they hadn't with her!).
The filly in question stomped her hoof in frustration. "BUT I WANT-"
"No... none of that," Applejack said sternly, stopping the meme before it began. "Shame on you."
Apple Bloom scuffed her hoof against the ground. "I just want to know why I haven't gotten my cutie mark."
"There could be lots of reasons, darlin'," Applejack drawled. "You might not be old enough or you might not have found your special talent-"
"I think its cause you're the product of incest!" Bill Cosby's Float Head proclaimed, popping up next to the two earth ponies.
"WHAT?!?" Apple Bloom screamed, staring at the floating head of the old African American comedian.
"Uh, Bill?" Applejack stammered nervously, glancing around quickly. "Maybe now isn't the best time-"
Bill merely continued to grin as he spoke to Applebloom. "I think it is pretty clear that your sister let her big brother put his boppity bop in her zoppity zop until it went gloppity glop!" Bill Cosby's Floating Head proclaimed. "You are a genetic freak and a crime against nature, ya see!"
Apple Bloom stared at her sister, who was biting her lip and looking anywhere but her sister's direction. "Is this true?" she shouted in horror.
"...eeyup," Big Macintosh said as he trotted by.
"Called it!" Bill proclaimed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Apple Bloom raced off, ignoring her sister's pleas for her to come back and let her explain.
"Why did ya have to go and tell her that?" Applejack screeched, turning toward Bill Cosby's Floating Head and shaking her right hoof at him. "Now she is gonna be scarred for life! You have some nerve... what do you have to say for yourself?"
Bill blinked, considering his words carefully. "Nothin’ beats Jell-O Puddin’! Zip zip zip zaroo!" The God Squad Episode 28: I'm not gay, I'm Griffish
A week had gone by since the godly beings (and Shining Armor) had departed on the E.S. Lindsey Lohan. They were leaving Equestria behind and heading towards the great isle of Griffland, home of the griffin empire and their first stop on their worldly tour that would lead them to the changeling hive (plot point for the win!). The sea was fair, the sky was bright, and they were all thinking the same thing:
"I can't wait to kill me some griffins!" Tydal said, rubbing his hooves together in murderous glee
Ok, maybe they weren't ALL thinking the same thing.
"I have my new flank kicking shoes on!" Luna said in glee, lifting up her leg to display the spiked horseshoe she wore. "I was going to try them out on Prince Blueblood, but this will work even better!" Luna began to trot along the deck in glee. “These shoes are made for ass kickin’, and that is what they’ll do! One of these days these shoes are going to ass kick you too!”
Shining, who had finally managed to stop throwing up 12 hours ago (having never been on a boat before and discovering he was very much a land pony), glanced over and frowned. "Princess, those are golf shoes."
Luna nodded. "Correct, golf shoes."
"Why would you think they would be flank kicking shoes?"
"Uh... because that is how golf is played, by kicking flanks and taking names?"
Shining pursed his lips. "Remind me never to play golf with you."
"Aw, come on... I'll give you a handicap!"
The sole cricket that was on board chirped.
Tydal coughed as the joke fell flat.
"You ponies are no fun," Luna said, pouting.
Cadence emerged from the captain's quarters and happily cantered over to them, her mane billowing in the breeze. She had decided that the trip to Griffland meant she could play dress up again and she was wearing a white dress shirt, a black vest with the Griffin Jack emblazed upon the back, a marshmallow style poofy hat, a pair of purple sunglasses, and a rainbow colored skirt.
"'ello gov'nor, wots all 'is 'en?" she proclaimed with a grin, looking at her relatives and husband.
Tydal, Luna and Shining just gave her cold stares. "Please... stop talking like that," Luna finally stated.
"Talkin' like wot, gov'nor?" Cadence said with a huge grin, ignoring their sour looks.
Tydal groaned. "Like an ignorant little gutter snipe!" He began to trot along the deck, his face twisted into a sneer as he lectured her. "Why you feel the need to butcher a native tongue I will never know!"
"Cause it be fun, gov'nor! It like 'Talk like a Pirate Day' 'cept there be more interestin' words ta insult tarts wit’. Fish and chips! Bangers and mash! Bob's your uncle!"
Luna shook her head in pain. "Uh, don't mention our Uncle Bob, ok?"
"Why not?" Shining asked, confused.
"Because he had a little operation and Bob our uncle is now Fanny our aunt," Luna replied.
"...ok then," Shining said, wishing he had just stayed quiet.
Tydal ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "I understand you want to immerse yourself in the Griffish culture but you don't need to talk like some Trottingham whore. You should be speaking like a lady!" No one pointed out the irony that the most violent of them was preaching culture and class (wait, is that ironic? Damn you Alanis Morrisette, now I’ll never know what ironic means!). "Now, repeat after me: The knife in the strife ends Shining's life."
"Hey!" Shining shouted. "Can we not use my murder as an example to teach my wife diction?"
"Oooo, I love Shining's-"
"No!" Luna, Shining and Tydal shouted.
"Wot?" Cadence asked in confusion.
"We are not making that joke," Luna stated. Cadence stuck out her lip and pouted.
"Why is Cadence talking like a gutter snipe?" Celestia asked, emerging from the caprtian’s quarters and joining them all on the deck.
"Thank you!" Tydal stated, chest puffed out at having his point proven.
"Just tryin' ta git into the mood, dodger!" Cadence said happily.
Luna shook her head in annoyance. "Why would you think talking like that... or dressing like that... would get you in the mood to visit Griffland?"
"Uh... cus this is 'ow the cool kids in Griffland talk, gov'nor?" Cadence stated.
Tydal's brow furrowed. "I suppose they might talk like that...but most time they are screaming insults and trying to eat you." He and Luna shared a grin as they thought of all the battles and bloodshed that awaited them. "Oh, it is going to be so much fun to fight them!"
Shining, Celestia and Cadence all nervously looked at each other. "You tell them," Shining finally said.
"I think this falls to you, Captain Armor," Celestia told him.
"I ain't bloody well gone tell'em!"Cadence exclaimed. "They'll beats me they wills!"
"What are you three arguing about?" Luna asked.
Shining and Cadence quickly placed their hooves against their noses. Celestia blinking, before exclaiming. "No fair, I didn't know we'd started doing that!" Shining and Cadence merely shrugged and Celestia, now 'it', let out a groan. "Fine... little sister, big brother, there is something I need to tell you about Griffland."
"What is it?" Luna asked. "Do they have a new doomsday weapon?"
"Have they formed an alliance with the camels of Humpistan? That will make the battle harder but-"
Celestia weakly smiled. "Uh, no. You know how you both have been gone for a long... long... long time?" The two nodded; Luna had, of course, been trapped in the moon, while Tydal had been a stone statue after his last battle with Discord. "Well... about 900 years ago, Griffland went through a... revolution."
"You mean a bloody, violent revolution that saw the poor fight the rich and caused the streets to run red with blood?" Luna asked.
"No, I mean a cultural revolution where the griffins decided to focus on developing their minds and putting away their weapons of war. They haven't declared war on anyone in 700 years."
Tydal and Luna just stared at her, the sound of their hearts breaking echoing along the ocean.
"Sorry," Celestia said weakly.
"No... no I don't believe you!" Luna screamed, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. "They are not peaceful, nerdy birdies! They are warriors who will fight us and it will be fun and you are lying!" She fell on her belly and began to pound the deck like she was a toddler. "You're lying, you're lying, why do you lie!" Celestia gathered her up and hugged her sister as Luna dissolved into sobs.
Shining, for his part, was watching Tydal. "Are... are you crying?"
"No," Tydal whimpered, turning away. "I... just have something in my eye!"
"What is in your eye?" Shining asked.
"Saddness!" Tydal sobbed, his body trembling before he grabbed Shining and hugged him like a teddy bear.
"... they truly be noodled up, that's fer true!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Come on, everypony..." Celestia said, trying to calm her little sister down. "I know you were looking forward to a fight but Griffland is great! They have culture and nobility and the finest food they can import from Prance because their food is GHASTLY..."
Shining nodded, managing to push Tydal away. "And they still get into fights!"
"They... they do?" Tydal sniffed.
Shining meekly smiled. "Well... kinda. Instead of bloody battles, they have flyby conversations."
"I say, are you ponies headed into port?" a griffin called out from above them. He was wearing a monocle and a top hat and had a neatly trimmed beard.
"Uh... yes," Shining stated.
"Well, then I will join you!" the griffin landed and stretched his wings. "Hello, I am Downy Thinker the 3rd!" From within his Hammerspace INC flying bag Downy pulled out a tea set and began to pass out cups. "While we wait for them to process our papers we can pass the time telling stories about local architecture! Tell me... would you like to hear an amusing story about a bridge?"
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Mug Shot hissed, watching as Jail Bird dragged his hoof along the floorboards of their seedy little apartment, scratching the proper runes into the wood. "I mean, what if we get caught?"
"We ain't gonna get caught," Jail Bird said in annoyance. He grabbed the glowing enchanted orb in his mouth and, carefully avoiding the symbols he had carved, set the magical device in the center of the room before darting away. "We are dealing with a rich family, remember? They are going to want their precious son back and will pay anything to get him. This is probably a common occurance for them!"
"But we don't have their son," Mug Shot nervously reminded his friend.
"I know that but they don't! That is the beauty of this! I am going to word it so even if we do get caught by the royal guard it is clear we didn't even lie and say we kidnapped him... we just let them assume that. There is no law against that so it is the parents’ fault for believing us!"
Mug Shot rocked back and forth, eyeing the runes nervously. "I still don't like this... the Princesses-"
"Are gone. All of them. Their fault for not telling anypony what was going on. Now shut up!" Jail Bird grinned, tapping the floor with his hoof. No pony would expect a pegasus to be using magic, which is why he had stolen the communication orb in the first place. Just another layer of deception to make sure that no one clued in on who was pulling the strings and what was really going on. He yanked on the ski mask he had bought and, once he was sure Mug had done the same, gave the final tap.
The orb flashed and slowly the image of two ponies appeared. One was a white unicorn with a perfectly styled mane. The other, the stallion, was a blue stallion with a dark blue mane… nothing impressive in the slightest. The stallion looked up in surprise and Jail Bird smiled. The mare was stammering something but Jail Bird just ignored her.
"Good evening Mr. Night Light, Mrs. Twilight Velvet," Jail Bird said, dropping his voice a few octaves. "Your son Shining Armor has gone missing, hasn't he? Well... there might be a way that we can… help you help yourself..."
Night Light licked his lips and Jail Bird grinned even bigger behind his mask. Here came the money…
"I don't know who you are. I don’t know what you want," Night Light said coldly, shocking to two criminals with the sheer power in his voice. "If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills... skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for ponies like you." Mug Shot gulped in fear. "If you let my son go now that will be the end of it; I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you.”
The image faded as the orb's magic ran out.
"...I peed myself," Mug Shot whimpered.
"Me too, buddy, me too," Jail Bird whispered.
The God Squad Episode 29: Monty Python's Flying Circus
"Pardon me," yet another griffin said as he walked past the gods (and Shining). "Dreadfully sorry, don't mind me." Tydal merely glared; normally he wouldn’t mind an apology… but considering the griffin was across the street and no where near them….
"Every pony is so polite and well mannered," Celestia said with a smile. "Such a show of restraint and class."
Luna huffed. "In other words they all have a stick up their rumps and that stick also has a stick up its rump!" She gave her sister a snarky look. “No wonder you are at home here.”
"They be handing up rump sticks? ‘ere?" Cadence, still using her ‘griffish’ accent, jumped on Shining's back and began to look for the rump stick cart.
"This is an utter travesty," Tydal complained as two more griffins 'begged their pardon'. The capricorn looked at all the stiff beaked griffins in their top hats and their monocles and felt the urge to kill rising (and considering that was his normal default setting, that said a lot… or a little). "A once proud warrior race reduced to this. Absolutely horrible."
Shining shook his head. "They managed to go beyond their baser instincts and better themselves... shouldn't that be applauded?"
"Not when they destroy what made them them in the name of progress!" Tydal exclaimed. He sighed sadly. "I remember when this city was just slums with whores offering to sell themselves for 3 bits. There was an opium den on every street and the smell of rot in the air... and the death carts!" He sighed in happiness. “Ah, the death carts.”
"The death carts?" Shining asked. "What's a death cart?"
"You don't know?" A very large griffin asked walking up and joining the fivesome. He was easily as tall as Tydal and Celestia with huge snowy white wings and a dark brown body. A great fluffy beard hung under his beak and his eyes were forever twinkling (seriously, it was all anyone ever talked about). He was dressed in purple robes and tucked in his belt was a small wooden stick. "Back in the olden times this country had so many problems with disease and suicides-"
"Right right... anyway, it was common for a griffin to push a cart up and down the road, calling for everygriff to bring out their dead... rather sad but now it is gone."
“And funny,” Tydal stated.
“How could that be funny?” Shining complained.
“I admit it that type of humor is an acquired taste…”
The giant griffin turned to Celestia and smiled. "Hello little one."
"Hello Fuzzy," Celestia said, nuzzling the bearded griffin. "Shining, Cadence, allow me to introduce Fuzzy Thinker. He is-"
"A miserable git who let his subjects turn into wussies," Tydal grumbled. “And he still owes me 15 bits.”
"-The Great Griffin, ruler of Griffland and god of the winds."
Fuzzy shook his head in amusement. "I see your attitude is just as sour as always, little brother."
Tydal glared at his older brother, jabbing his horns at him. "I was trapped in stone for 1,500 years... because of a war you failed to fight in, I might add... you’re welcome for Discord’s defeat, by the way… and when I awaken I find that you have allowed a once noble warrior race to become a bunch of spineless pansies!"
Luna nodded. "I have to agree with Tydal... I was looking forward the bawdy songs and drinking games... or was it drinking songs and bawdy games? No matter… what I didn’t expect was griffins that get the flutters from seeing a butterfly."
“BUTTERFLY!?!” Several nearby griffins cried before fainting.
“See?” Luna said.
Fuzzy Thinkers's eyes twinkled (seriously, they are always doing that... it is creepy!). "My dear Luna, you just fail to see all the wonder and magic that is modern Griffland. I will admit we are not as... bloodthirsty... as we once were... but we are hardly pushovers."
"I say, old chap!" A griffin near them called out to his friend. "I have heard rumors that your rump rubbed against my wife's rump."
The second griffin blushed. "It is true... it was a moment of weakness."
"Well, as long as you feel sorry about it. Why don't we go to the Fox-and-Whistle-and-Dog-and-Cock-and-Ox-and-Wolf-and-Badger and get a nice warm mug of water."
"Oh, I am flying tonight, so I can only have a small one."
Tydal and Luna turned, flashing sour looks at Fuzzy Thinker.
"...ok, so maybe we got a little soft," Fuzzy admitted sheepishly.
Tydal smirked at the victory he had managed to win. "So, dear brother, what are you doing out on the streets, showing everypony your poor taste in pajamas?"
Fuzzy frowned. "They aren't pajamas, these are the robes of a wizard, a sign of my standing… just because you enjoy running around naked-"
“WOOOOOO!!!” Luna shouted, pointing at her naked groin.
“-doesn’t mean some of us can’t be dignified.”
“I be dressed up, gov’nor!” Cadence exclaimed. “Sticky wicket!”
“… ignore her, I think mother left her in the over for too long,” Luna stated.
Tydal smirked. "Pajamas.”
“Robes.”
“You say potato, I say stupid."
"He didn't say potato though," Celestia stated.
"It is an old saying, Celestia," Luna informed her.
Shining, however, was focused on something else Fuzzy had said. "Wait... wizard? I thought griffins were non-magical creatures."
Fuzzy waved him off with a laugh. "Oh, most of us are, my dear boy. But there are a few that are blessed with the blood of Marvelous Speller and thus are able to practice witchcraft and wizardy-“
“Those two things are the same thing… why be sexist and separate them?” Celestia said.
“-we try and keep it secret, so to avoid panic in the street..."
Luna lit up her horn and looked at all the non-startled griffins. "Because clearly magic is a foreign thing to them..."
Fuzzy continued on, ignoring Luna. "You see, my boy, I am the head of a Wizard's School, where I teach young griffins how to use their magic."
"Yes, you are, and it is quite well known," Celestia said with a smile. She waited a moment, before adding, "Yes, well known... for losing to MY school each year in hoofball."
"There are some things more important than sports," Fuzzy countered.
"So says losers," Celestia sang. “Celestia High will do it or die… to keep our colors up in the sky… red and white will stay in sight… till come our victory, go Celly High!”
Luna nodded her head in approval. "Nicely done... hoof me!" Celestia and Luna clanked hooves together.
“You have corrupted our sisters terribly,” Fuzzy said.
“You don’t like it, then you should have been more responsible and mother would have had you care for them instead of me.” Tydal looked at his girls, smiling with pride, before continuing. "So, brother, you still have explained why you are out and about," Tydal stated, running his own hoof along his beard.
"It is about my school, actually... we recently invited a new student, Hairy Grabber, to come. He is quite famous, as he is prophesized to defeat the dark wizard Moldy Warts."
"...that is a horrible name," Shining stated.
Cadence nodded. "And warts ain’t nothin’ ta laugh ‘bout! ‘specially ta ones you get on your-"
"So... Hairy Grabber?" Luna asked.
"Ah, yes... the thing of it is... Hairy has gone missing and I fear followers of Moldy Wart have captured him. I am on my way to speak to a detective I believe can help me come. Would you like to come?"
Luna shrugged. "We might as well... if we went more than 3 chapters without getting sidetracked things would get stale."
"...what the hay are you talking about?" Shining complained.
In the time that I had been flatmates with my friend, Sheerclaw Hones, I had come to expect, nah, anticipate the most strangest of visitors in our humble drawing room. From the poorest of wretches to the wealthiest of kings, all came like pilgrims on religious quest. They would sit in the stuffed easy chair and fidget and squirm while my friend filled his pipe with fine suet. They would only speak when he allowed them too and not a moment sooner. Out in the regular world they might be the masters of finance or politics, but in our flat they were no better than some urchin that didn't have two bits to rub together.
Such was the case when I awoke that fine summer’s day. Leodon was as splendid as ever: the fog was thick, the sunlight weak, the smell of soot filled the lungs, and the streets were full pasty-hided griffins. Nothing beat Leodon in summer time.
Hones was seated in his favorite chair, a newspaper gripped in his talons as he puffed away on his morning pipe. I settled down to enjoy a fine breakfast of sausage and poppy seed muffins, having no need to greet Hones. He would speak when it was necessary and trying to force him to do so any earlier than needed would be foolish.
"Tell me, what do you know of ponies?"
Hones did not waste time on pleasantries and I had long gotten use to him broaching subjects like this in lieu of a 'hello'. He had once told me that his great mind could only be troubled with so many things and common manners simply did not win out when compared to other such learned areas such as the analysis of cigar ashes or differing paw sizes and how that might relate to a griffin's tendency to commit larceny.
"Not much, I confess," I admitted. "They live across the sea and come in three different forms-"
"The winged pegasus, which lacks our strength by makes up for it in speed,” Hones stated, cutting me off. “The terrains or 'earth pony' as they are rather vulgarly called, who are seen as the weakest of the three breeds even though they have the greatest strength, endurance and lifespan of all ponies; and the unicorns, who wield natural magic through their horn and tend to try and emulate our cultured ways… and fail. Each, of course, has their own place in the web of crime that so inflicts the populace of this world; the pegasi are prone to petty theft such as bag snatching, the terrains tend to lean towards intimidation and racketeering, and the unicorns are skilled safe crackers."
"Yes, of course," I mumbled, trying to decide which sausage patty I would like to devour first.
"Now tell me, Watcher, what if I were to tell you that existed a creature the possessed the gifts of all three of their species? The wings of the pegasus, the horn of a unicorn, and the strength and durability of a terrain? Would you think I was mad?"
I scoffed. “Hardly, old man, hardly. I would inform you that such a being has been known for quite some time," I stated with a slight smile, pleased that, for once, I was on the same wavelength as my friend. "You describe an alicorn."
"Indeed," Hones commented, puffing on his pipe and sending great clouds of smoke up into the air. He steepled his talons together and continued. "There are three known in existence: Princesses Celestia, Luna and Mi Amora Cadenza. Much like our own Great Griffin, each is an immortal and charged with one key function in keeping this world spinning: the movement of the sun and the moon and the development of love." Hones shot me a coy smile. "They are also related to many other immortal rulers, including the recently returned capricorn king and his Highness."
"Quite right," I stated, finally selecting a patty and nibbling it to nonexistence. "I am surprised you know of the return of Lord Tydal… normally such matters are beneath you.”
“Ah, but you fail to see how they would be anything but. With the return of Lord Tydal comes the return of his entire race. Think about it, Watcher… an entirely new face of intelligent creatures, with their own culture and gifts and methods. They are a warrior race from a lost area and it would be foolish of me not to pay attention. Capricorns, from what I have been able to find out, lean towards murder and would make fine mercenaries if they weren’t so independent.”
“I follow, I follow,” I begged off. “Tell me, Hones, why exactly the sudden interest in ponies?"
There was a knock on the door.
"Because the Princesses will be her in ten seconds."
Cadence looked around the drawing room in confusion. "Huh, it's weird we went from first person narration to third. Thank the Creator for the Title Card."
"She's doing it again," Luna hissed as they entered the sitting room of 221B Baker Street.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Shining said with a grimace, "on the boat ride here she was reading some strange book..."
~Three Days Earlier~
Cadence opened the book she had bought at the gift shop in Tydal's Keep (hey, the capricorns have to make their bits somehow!) and grinned as the enchantments kicked in. Unlike most books, this one was designed to produce a voice that would read the text for any that opened up.
"Breaking the Fourth Wall for Dummies, by Wall Breaker the 4th," the book stated. "As read by Pinkie Pie... hey, that's me! Cool, isnit it? You are hearing my voice and I’m not there… unless I am there, but I don’t know if I am… Pinkie, are you there? Helllooooooo!!!! Anyway, Chapter 1: It is time for the scene to switch back to 221B Baker Street."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice," Fuzzy Thinker said, walking over to the couch that the detective gestured too and settling down. Tydal busied himself with looking over the collection of jackknives the detective kept while Shining, Cadence, Celestia and Luna gathered around Fuzzy.
"I believe introductions are in order," the detective’s companion stated. "I am Jaunty Watcher and this is my friend, Mr. Sheerclaw Hones."
Fuzzy nodded. "Of course. May I present-"
Hones waved him off. "No need for that, your majesty. It is quite clear who is gathered here."
"I suppose our faces are pretty recognizable," Luna said.
"I have never seen a picture of any of you, save your Highness," he tilted his head in respect towards Fuzzy, "but it does not take a detective to figure out who you are. There are only three alicorns in existence and from your cutie marks it is easy to confirm which is which. As for Lord Tydal…”
“I’m the biggest damn capricorn in the world,” the sea god grunted.
“Quite. Much harder to point out that you all stopped by a bake shop after arriving into port this morning and happened upon his Highness by accident. Also Princess Mi Amora only recently purchased the sunglasses that are sitting upon her face, and there was an altercation that has resulted in your captain of the guard here, who I confess to not know the name of, to be worried that Lord Tydal will attempt to kill us. Worry not, Captain, Lord Tydal is only sizing us up to determine our threat levels."
The gods blinked in surprise.
"How... how did you guess all that?" Celestia said in surprise.
"I never GUESS, Princess," Hones said with a dismissive snort. "I deduce."
Luna frowned. "Actually, I think you mean induce -"
"I can tell you went to the bake shop by the dab of chocolate frosting that is still present on Princess Celestia's upper lip." The sun goddess blushed and quickly wiped it away. "I look at each of you and see a sheen of salt residue on your coats; you would not have received this had you flown so obviously you took a boat. A capricorn would obviously have this, but a princess? No… and the presence of a unicorn shows that this would only be logical because none of you could have flown the entire way from Equestria with him on your back. The fact that the residue is still on your coats points to the fact that you only just arrived, as they first thing any self respecting princess would do would be take a shower."
"That is correct," Luna stated. "But what about us meeting Fuzzy unexpectedly? He could have met us on the dock."
"Doubtful," Hones stated with a dismissive wave. "Why would you go to a bake shop and get treats if you knew you would be coming here and we, like all noble griffins, would provide food for you?” At that moment, Hones’ landlady (‘not your housekeeper’) Mrs. Housekeeper arrived with a tray of biscuits. “No, you arrived, stopped for a quick snack, then went to a sunglasses shop to purchase a new pair for Princess Mi Amora where Lord Tydal engaged in a fight, then ran into his Highness."
"How do you know about the sunglasses and the fight?" Luna asked. "Also, you have yet to deduce anything... you are still inducing-"
Celestia frowned. “Actually, I think he might be deducing, if you-“
"The sunglasses are Griffish in make. Look at the lens... clearly not tinted enough for somepony traveling from Equestria, home of the sun goddesses. No, it is clear Princess Mi Amora realized her current pair were too dark and bought a new pair, as can be seen by the fact that the tan line around her eyes is in a different shape than the glasses she currently wears."
"Right, except I did't buy ‘em, gov’nor, I flirted with ta clerk and showed some flank and he gave me them for free, too rightly!"
"That's true," Shining said, his instincts warring between annoyance that his wife practically whored herself for sunglasses... and the joy that he didn't have to pay for them. "And Tydal's little fight with the shopkeep?"
"He is a capricorn... when have they ever managed to go 30 minutes without starting a fight."
"Got me there," Tydal admitted.
"His choice to not attack myself or Watcher is simple to deduce-"
"Induce," Luna complained.
"-one need only read his body language. Lord Tydal is in, for lack of a better word, 'analyze mode’, NOT 'search and destroy'." Hones took a few puffs of his pipe. "Now then, why don't you tell me why you have all come to see me."
Fuzzy cleared his throat and laid out the facts: a week ago he had sent a letter and a customary after-dinner owl to Hairy Grabber, a young griff prophesized to defeat Modly Warts (Tydal, Shining and Hones scoffed at this). However, Hairy had never responded and when Fuzzy had sent representatives to check in on the boy, they had discovered that his home had been ransacked and the young griff was missing.
Hones nodded his head, eyes closed as he pondered the case before him. Cadence, wiggling in her chair (she had to use the potty and thought it would be rude to leave without permission from their host), finally shouted. "GET ON WITH IT!"
"Yes, get on with it!" Tydal snapped.
"Get on with it!" Tim the Enchanter grumbled, popping his head into the flat.
"GET ON WITH IT!" all the extras from Monty Python's The Holy Grail bellowed.
Hones gave them a sour look but did as asked. "There are certain elements of your case that are of interest, even if it is, on the whole, rather pedestrian."
"I like it when pedestrians put things on my hole," Cadence stated (though it was a bit forced as she still needed to go potty).
"Quite," Hones said before continuing. "I will be happy to take your case."
"At a discount," Celestia stated.
"Excuse me?" Hones said in surprise.
"Well, you did just say that the case was rather pedestrian, so it only makes sense that you would give us a discounted rate, as it does not meet the level of your normal cases."
Hones turned several different shades of purple.
Celestia leaned forward, a sly smile forming on her lips. "That is, of course, unless you want to admit that you were wrong... of course, in that case, you’d need to lower your rates anyway, as I would be concerned about paying a griff that could get such a fact wrong so easily."
"...well played," Hones grumbled before standing up, grabbing his inverse and deerstalker. "Come along, Watcher, the game is apaw!"
"Don't you mean 'ahoof?'" Luna asked.
Hones, Fuzzy and Watcher shared a look, before grumbling about 'Equestrians'.
"Prince Blueblood, please come out," Logic Point called out, knocking on the door.
"No!" Blueblood snapped. "I am never leaving! I am going to stay in here forever!"
"My Prince, this is not how royalty should act," Strong Shield complained. He beat his hoof on the door, desperately trying to get it to open. "Please my lord, try to behave in a dignified manner."
"You're a poopie head!" Blueblood snapped.
"Hey guys, I see we are in another cold opening," Wall Breaker the 4th stated, trotting over to the other guards.
"A what now?"
"A cold opening," Wall Breaker said, moving to a window and calmly shutting it. "See, these castles are so drafty that if a wind is left open it creates a pocket of cool area, which gathers in a large, empty space, especially doorways... creating a cold opening."
The other two guards merely stared at the third (who was a 4th, weirdly).
"So... what are you doing?"
Logic Point sighed. "The Prince has locked himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out."
"Well, it isn't like he can stay in there forever, right?"
Blueblood laughed. "You truly are a fool, Wall Breaker! Why, in here I have all I need or desire... hot and cold water, warm towels to lie upon, and all the bubble cakes I can eat."
"I keep telling you those are bars of soap!" Strong slammed his full weight against the door but it refused to budge an inch. "Blast it!"
"No no, we might kill the Prince," Logic Point stated. When Strong Shield glared at him the guard nodded quickly. "Oh... so you didn't want me to get a cannon and blow the door up?"
"...right."
“You hesitated there for a moment.”
“…no I didn’t.”
"So, why is the Prince in the bathroom eating soap?" Wall Breaker asked.
Logic Point sighed. "After those fillies tried to blow him up he got nervous somepony was trying to kill him. We figured he was overreacting, because every pony has thought about killing him, but it seems that the Prince might have been on to something. Yesterday, the secret service learned that an assassin was coming after him."
"I didn't know we had a secret service," Strong Shield said. He let out a long whistle. "Man, they are good!"
Wall Breaker knocked on the door. "Prince Blueblood, won't you get lonely not having servants to belittle and commit sexual harassment against?"
"...maybe," the stallion admitted.
"What if one of us-"
"NO!" Blueblood shouted. "No... I want a maid... someone weak and easy to bully."
Logic Point rubbed his chin, before noticing a quiet servant that was standing in the shadows. "You, the bunny who is wearing the strange maid outfit and has two sharp knives... you go inside!"
Angel Bunny, aka Angelo Bunnitori de Ponyville wiggled his nose before hopping into the room.
The God Squad Episode 31: On the Trail of a Tail
"Wouldn't it be weird if Moldy Wart turned out to be Chrysalis?"
Fuzzy Thinker, Sheerclaw Hones, Jaunty Watcher, Tydal, Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, Cadence, and a barbershop quartet Cadence had made friends with were walking down the streets of Leodon, hot on the trailing of the missing Hairy Grabber. They weren't exactly the stealthiest of search parties but that mattered little to them for reasons that weren't clear even to the writer of this poor excuse of a fan fic (seriously, he can’t even bother to spell check it half the time!).
Celestia turned towards her little sister, a finely shaped eyebrow rising in confusion. "I don't follow."
"I'm just saying, what if Moldy Wart was the changeling queen... that would be really shocking. We think we are just getting sidetracked by another adventure and BOOM! we are fighting fluttering bug ponies. I know I wouldn't see it coming."
"Except you just did," Celestia stated calmly.
"...cosmic," Luna whispered.
Tydal frowned. "What ever happened to the Flutterponies?"
"Say what now?" Shining asked.
"The Flutterponies... they were like butteflies except they were ponies. They were a magical race and Luna pointing out that Moldy Wart might be the leader of fluttering ponies made me think of them. I hope they didn't go extinct." Shining gaped at him and the capricorn narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"Nothing... just shocked you actually care about the fate of another race."
"Why wouldn't I?" Tydal snapped. "They were delicious."
"...and the universe rights itself," Shining grumbled.
Tydal closed his eyes and licked his lips. "Mmmmm... I could go for a fluttercobob right now..."
"They tasted greeaaaatttttttt!" the quartet sang.
"Gentleponies, I must ask that you focus on the task at talon," Hones said, a magnifying glass clenched in his talon. "There is a missing chick and we must find him at once."
Cadence grinned. "Roght, git on dat in a jif, gov'nor!" She leapt onto Celestia's back, using the older alicorn's horn and a hoofhold, and began to scream. "Hairy Grabber! Where art you?"
"Please stop that," Celestia stated, using her magic to gently lift Cadence from her back and place the mare on the cobblestone streets. "Detective Hones, what do you suggest we do first?"
"I would like to investigate the place that Hairy called home."
Fuzzy nodded. "Right, that would be his Aunt Meanie Child-Hitter and Uncle Violent Child-Hitter." At the horrified stares, he waved his talon at them and chuckled, eyes twinkling. "Do not worry, it is merely a name... in fact, I do believe Violent changed it 20 years ago."
"He changed it... to Child-Hitter?" Luna asked.
"Yes."
"What was it before?" Jaunty questioned.
"Baby-Raper."
Shining turned to Tydal. "When is your birthday?"
The capricorn blinked, surprised by the change of topic. "About 5 months from now, why?"
"Permission Granted... happy birthday."
~MC~MC~MC~
It took twenty minutes to make it to #7 Skid Row, the home of Violent and Meanie Child-Hitter. Much of the trip had been spent in embarrassment, as Tydal and Cadence had happily skipped along, singing dirty showtunes with the barbershop quartet (the less said about how they altered the lyrics to 'The Nanny', the better). After tying up the quartet at a fire hydrant, the large group made their way up the walk towards the childhood home of Hairy Grabber.
"I've seen meth labs that were cleaner than this," Luna complained.
Celestia shook her head. "Come now sister, think positively."
"Ok... I am positive I've seen meth labs cleaner than this place."
Fuzzy chuckled. "I do believe the blind beggar a block away saw that one coming, Celestia my dear."
Reaching the mold-eaten door, Hones clicked his beak in disgust before slamming the knocker three times.
"WOT?!?" An immensely fat griffin threw open the door, his feathers molting with every breath he took. He was forced to squat like a frog, his belly was that big, and a huge, unkempt mustache graced his beak; of course, due to his wobbling jowls it was hard to see his beak. He had deep set eyes that were nearly lost in the rolls of fat, but could be seen shone with the all too common mixture of angry and stupidity. The large griffin took one look at the ponies, capricorn and Fuzzy and sneered. "Freaks... don't want any of your kind in here none!"
Tydal beamed so big it was a wonder his face didn't shatter. "Oh... oh this is going to be fun!" His horns flashed and he threw Violent across the room, happily cantering over the threshold. Violent coughed and sputtered but Tydal merely reached over and pressed his beak close. "Might I make a suggestion to you, tons of fun?" Tydal leaned in close, licking his razor sharp canines. "Be careful who you shoot you beak off at... here there be monsters." The god of the sea began to pace. "Now then... I think I will start by pealing you like an apple; I will then deep fry your skin peelings and make you eat them like they were onion rings."
"I should be disgusted by this..." Watcher said, a dark gleam in his eye, "but I can't help but think 'good show'."
"Me too, Jaunty, me too," Hones stated.
"What are you doing to my husband?" Meanie shrieked, tearing through the room.
"Well... I guess that explains where he got all the food that resulted in his girth," Celestia stated in surprise. While Violent was at the point of obesity that he might as well have stayed home and gone for the record, Meanie was so rail thin that one could easily see her heart beating frantically in her chest (thus disproving the belief that she was 'heartless'). Her beak was thin yet long, resembling a hummingbird's sap sipper. She tried to put on the airs of a lady of the court but all she managed to do was make everygriff that saw her think she had smelled something rotten.
"Oh, where are our manners," Luna said with a smirk, turning towards the female griffin. "We are a traveling improv group and we were just about to perform a scene. We are playing the part of... well, you and your husband, and this fat load will get to pretend to be your poor nephew. Tydal?"
The capricorn smirked before he lashed out, viciously striking Violent in the face. The griffin cried out in pain, curling up on the floor as Tydal began to, as it is known in even the most elegant parts of the world, 'curb stomp the bitch'. The capricorn happily bounced about, making sure never to hit the same place twice. There was something almost artistic in the way Tydal brutally dismantled the griffin before him. Of course, neither of the celestial princesses were that surprised: capricorns, even more than ponies, held babies as creatures that were to be protected. To harm a kid, foal, or chick was to invite their wrath... and capricorns could dish out wrath quite well.
"And... scene!" Luna called out. The sea god took a step back, shaking his hooves free of blood. Violent whimpered, shivering on the floor and trying very hard not to wet himself. "Now then, who is next?"
Hones frowned. "While I am all for dealing with ruffians such as these in as painful of a manner as possible, I do need to speak with them and require them not to be in a comatose state.
Fuzzy sighed and pulled out his wand. "Allow me, detective." He waved his wand in a complex manner, the tip glowing a soft blue. "Eeze-fray Eanie-may." The thin griffin froze, eyes wide in panic as she found herself unable to even faint. "She is all yours."
Hones nodded. "Lord Tydal, if you insist on finishing off Mr. Child-Hitter I ask that you do so outside."
"Of course," Tydal stated, using his magic to lift the sobbing griffin up. "Cadence, be a dear and deal with Violent's wife for menonce the detective is done, would you? I won't be able to fully enjoy myself if I am thinking off all the horrible torture I could perform on her."
Cadence frowned. "I don't know..."
"I think she could use a makeover," Shining said, startling everypony with his dark comment. "Something to make her a bit more sexy..."
Cadence beamed. "Ooooooooohhhhhh!"
Hones nodded as Tydal happily trotted outside, Luna deciding to join him in the bloodbath. "Now then, I have a few questions for you... you will answer them honestly or I assure you that the pain you will suffer will make what happened to your husband a pleasant dream." The detective steepled his claws together. "Why did you not report the boy missing?"
Meanie glared that them, hiding her fear quite well. "Why bother? He is just a freak... the only other griffs that would care are freaks like you!"
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Might I remind you that this 'freak' is the only thing standing between you and burning to death in the sun?"
Meanie gulped but somehow managed to raise her head up high. "I assumed he ran away... he has done it before."
Hones nodded. "Did you see any other freaks hanging out recently?"
Meanie sniffed. "Of course not... I would have called the constables if I had."
"One final question," Hones stated. "What did you do with the 3 pounds?"
"What three pounds?" Meanie asked.
"The three pounds that remained from the 35 you were given to leave the door unlocked so young Hairy's kidnappers could enter." The others gasped but Hones merely smiled. "Come now, don't lie to me... that necklace you are wearing is brand new... I can tell by the way you keep shifting that you aren't use to the weight yet. I saw one just like it for 30 pounds the other day, and with tax you would have three pounds left."
"I... I..."
Hones scowled. "Princess Mi Amora, she is all yours."
"YAY!" Cadence giggled, using her magic to yank a whimpering Meanie away. "Dress up! Dress up!"
Hones led the remaining members of the group over to the small cupboard that served as Hairy Grabber's home. Celestia and Fuzzy were forced to peak their heads in, as the space was barely big enough to fit Hones, Watcher, and Shining. The griffin detective threw himself onto the dirty floor, sliding this way and that as he inspected seemingly random floorboards. Occasionally he would let out a purr or a squawk but, for the most part, he remained silent. Watcher was happy enough to take notes, while Shining used his magic to begin going through the drawers.
"He didn't run away," Shining stated.
"How do you figure?" Hones asked.
Shining held up battered suitcase. "Because he was planning on running away." He flipped it open, revealing clothing, some birdseed in baggiest, and the letter from Fuzzy Thinker. "He was going to run away to the school... but somegrif must have nabbed him before he had a chance. Otherwise he would have taken his suitcase."
"Very good!" Hones praised.
"I minored in criminal sciences at Canterlot U," Shining stated. "Got in thanks to a GI Bill."
Hones inspected the case carefully, running his claws along the handle. "Very interesting. You can see by the scratches here that he put it away in a hurry... recently too, if I am looking at the peeling right. I dare say he was preparing the case when his kidnappers took him."
"Do you know anything about how took him, Mr. Hones?" Fuzzy asked.
"A trifle," the detective said with a shrug. "The kidnapper is a female between the ages of 18 and 38. Her family likes to think of her as a lady but she is actually tom-cattish. She has been abroad... I would say Equestria... within the last 3 months, and has only returned to this land within the last week. Oh, and she was known to Hairy before she betrayed him."
The others gaped.
"How could you possibly know that, Mr. Hones?" Celestia asked.
"Oh, it is quite simple, when one looks at all the room provides. The fact that she is female can be seen from her stance... she felt claw and talon marks here and here and only a female would stand like that. Her age is simple enough: she has reached adult size but as not begun to suffer from the weakening the joints that would force her to not clench her talons like she did here." Hones gestured to a discarded feather flying in the corner.
"The fact that her family thinks her a lady but she is tom-cattish?" Shining questioned.
"A bit more murky, but with a bit of thought it was simple. You will note this feather here... it is quite too long." He turned to the ponies. "In our culture, the styling of ones feathers in the inverse of how a mane is styled: males favor longer plunmage and will develop manes much like his Highness here, while females go with shorter cuts. This tabby has had her feathers trimmed longer than normal, but still in a feminiate cut. That tells me she wishes to give the appearance of being a lady but only to the barest of minimums."
"And what about her being Equestria, Hones?" Watcher asked.
The detective held the feather up so Jaunty to have a whiff of it. "Do you smell the shampoo? It is apple scented.. but not just any apple. I have written on the identification of apples in beauty products-"
"Why?" Shining asked.
"Because when I get high on sunflower oil I tend to research crazy things. Now then, the apples used in this shampoo are infact Zap Apples, which are only grown in Equestria and are only used in one salon... namely the Duchess of Manehatten; this lends more to our standing theory that this young griff wishes to appear ladyish to her family but only to a certain extent, as the Zap Apple Shampoo is, for the most part, a more tomcatish scent. The fact that the scent lingers proves that she only just arrived in Griffland.
"As for her knowing young Hairy... well, it should be quite obvious from the way her talons dig into the hardwood here and here." He pointed to a series of gouges near the doorway. "No griffin that was attempting stealth would make such cuts... she came in casually, without need for quiet, then abducted him."
"Brilliant," Watcher stated.
"But that doesn't tell us anything about where Hairy is," Fuzzy pointed out.
"I have a few ideas though, and should have something solid... bloody hell."
The others turned, eyes wide in shock as Cadence happily trotted in, following by Meanie. The formly prim griffin had so much makeup plastered on her face it was a wonder she could support the weight. She wore a leather corest and mini skirt and she licked her beak as she eyed up the males.
"Oi! Get a Trottingham Piledriver for 10 quid!" she called out vulgarly.
"Cadence... what-"
"I made her a 'ore, I did!" Cadence squealed.
Tydal, who was covered in blood, entered with an equally sticky Luna. "What's a Trottingham Piledriver?"
"I'll get you next time, Captain Planet!" Dinky shouted, throwing her dolly across the room before making the blue pony doll (in a red latex outfit), heroically 'fly' across her room.
"Hello there, Sweetie," a chocolate colored mare with bushy brown hair said as she entered the filly’s bedroom. "My name is River Song. I am looking for the Doctor."
"...mama!" Dinky called out.
"Yes muffin?" Derpy asked, trotting into the room. "Who are-"
"Oh, hello... I am the Doctor's wife." River held out her hoof, a pleasant smile on her face.
Derpy promptly head butted her.
"Get her mama!" Dinky screamed in glee bouncing around the room. Derpy grabbed a chair and began to strike River over and over, eyes blazing with fury. The time-traveling mare tried to crawl away, but Derpy responded by kicking her in the stomach so hard she was coughing up bits of her ribs. Dinky tossed her mother a baseball bat, which the angry mailmare used to shatter River's shoulder blades.
"Why?" River whimpered, looking up at her assailant with swollen eyes.
Derpy leaned in close. "Because the Doctor is mine," Derpy said sweetly before snapping the mare's neck.
“Derpy, is everything ok in there?” The Doctor called out.
“…muffins!” Derpy said quickly.
“Right right, carry on.”
Derpy nodded, looking at the body of her, for a few moments at least, rival. "Dinky, go get mama's shovel... we'll bury her next to that 'Rose' mare that came by 3 weeks ago."
“YAY!” Dinky squealed.
The God Squad Episode 32: Cultural References in a Cultured World
Cadence sobbed, stroking the mane of one of the barbershop quartet members that had been following the group around. "I'm so sorry, but Mr. Hones said you can't follow us around anymore... I have to put you down." The pink alciorn sniffed sadly. "Shining, my shot gun..."
"Uh, I really don't think you need to shoot us!"
"I can't risk you biting anygriff and giving them rabies." Cadence was crying even harder, though she still managed to load her weapon.
"Listen, I am sure there is a way we can-" One of the members cried out as Cadence cocked the gun. "AAAAA!!!"
"I'll always love you!" Cadence cried out, tears running down her checks as she shot at the fleeing singers.
"So... that happened," Luna stated as she watched the stallions flee. "What now?"
"We must examine every place Hairy went to, to see if there are any clues." Sheerclaw pulled out a magnifying glass and began to look at the lampposts and the bus benches. All of the group members groaned; they had been examining all of Leodon for the last two hours, looking for clues, only to end up with nothing to show for their efforts. "There must be some clue... some feathers in a gutter or a smudge of ink on a door knob..."
Celestia shrugged. "Or Fuzzy could cast a tracking spell that would lead us to Hairy."
The others just stared at the sun princess, startled by the genius of that idea.
The white alicorn smirked. "I came up with that idea 2 hours ago, but figured that if I waited you'd give us a free guided tour of Leodon." Luna flashed her a sour look and the older alicorn smirked. "What?"
Fuzzy shifted uneasily, blushing over the fact that he hadn't come up with that idea sooner. "Right... well then... I guess there is nothing to it then... IND-FAY AIRY-HAY!" He waved his wand about and suddenly a pink little ball of light appeared before them, a pair of wings on its back. he buzzed around them, checking each of them out (and barely missing Tydal's snapping teeth). "There... this little creature will help us find our missing chick."
"Wow... that is so cool!" Luna said, looking at the little ball of light. "Why didn't you use it all the time?"
"HEY LISTEN!" The ball cried out, only to go silent.
"That's why," Fuzzy said in annoyance.
"HELLO!" The magical creature shouted, causing all of the group to flatten their ears against the sides of their heads. "HELLO! LISTEN!"
"... permission granted," Shining stated simply.
Tydal leapt at the little ball, but it darted away and began to flutter down the street. "HEY! HEY! HELLO! LISTEN!"
"Kill, Tydal, kill it!" Cadence whined. Normally she had no problem with cute things but the little fluttering ball was getting on her nerves (also, she liked being the smallest and cutest thing around with wings and the ball was stealing her bit).
Hones' beak clicked in annoyance. "Right... come along then, let us follow this lead."
"Then you can murder it," Luna told Tydal as the squad and their companions chased after the orb.
~MC~MC~MC~
In an abandoned dentist office (because lets face it, no one in Griffland was going to be visiting a dentist any time soon)...
"Wakey wakey," a griffin in black robes and a white mask said, smacking Hairy. The young griff blinked in confusion, trying to figure out were he was and what was going on. "That's a good chap!"
"Blimey, I don't feel..." he looked at the robed griff and paled. "Bloody hell, please don't tell me we shagged."
"Wot?" the robed griff exclaimed. "Of course we didn't! You are a prisoner of the dark Lord Moldy Wart!"
"Thank the Great Griffin," Hairy said in relief. "Now then, you should know that-"
The robed griff cut him off. "Wait... do you have a problem with me?"
"Well, you did kidnap me."
"No, I don't mean that... I mean why are you so relieved that we didn't shag?"
Hairy stared at the older griff in confusion. "Well... because I'm not gay."
"I'm not either but that doesn't mean you have to be so offensive!"
Hairy's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"You really hurt my feelings, acting like I am such a bad catch!" The griff in the black robes crossed his forelegs over his chest and huffed. "No sense of respect at all, that is for sure."
"You... kidnapped me," Hairy said slowly, as if he were talking to a child or a very stupid adult.
"Yeah, but I don't call ya funny names or insult your looks."
"No, you just kidnapped me."
"Know you're just being obtuse!" the dark griffin complained. "Other than that one thing I have treated you with respect. You don't see me insulting that scar on your head and calling you Scarry McScrarington. You... you are just mean!"
Another robed griffin emerged from the shadows, her talons clicking against the cement floor. "Weak Whimperer, why don't you go outside and take a breather, ok?"
"Fine," Weak said, sticking his tongue out at Hairy before hurrying away.
The female griff sighed in annoyance. " Sorry about that... he is going through some things-"
"Well, I am sure, but-"
"It's sad really... he caught his wife in bed with another griffin and it has really thrown him for a loop. He didn't have the greatest sense of self respect in the first place and now this..."
"Yeah, but still, you'd think he would understand that he kidnapped me..."
The female griff sighed in annoyance. "Well, he also happens to be very, very stupid."
"I can tell."
"They have no sense of how these things are done... the old ways have been lost," the female griffin complained, taking out a file and setting to work on her nails.
Hairy shook his head. "A shame, really."
"Yes," the female griff said. "So... you want to take it from the top? Start this over the right way?"
"Sure." Hairy cleared his throat. "You'll never get away with this, you scum!"
The female griffin laughed. "You would be wrong about that, Grabber! We Death Lickers have been waiting years for this moment, when we would fulfill the prophecy and destroy you to ensure that our master, the great Moldy Warts, will ascend to...uh..."
"What?" Hairy asked.
"... I'm not quite sure what his goal is, but it is going to be something big, so I suggest you be ready for it."
"Right, right," Hairy commented. "Now then... this is the part where I am rescued-"
The ground in front of them burst open and Luna poked her head out. She pulled out a map and began to inspect it, rubbing her hoof against her chin. "I knew we should have taken that left turn at... wait, we are in the right place... huh."
"Luna, could you please hurry up?" Celestia called out from under the floor.
"Why?"
"Because you are standing on our heads!" Hones complained.
"Oh... right." Luna leapt out of the hole, followed quickly by the rest of the squad, Fuzzy, Watcher and Hones.
"HEY! LISTEN!" the flying ball of light screeched. "HELLO! HE-"
CHOMP!
"Nicely done," Shining said as Tydal licked his lips.
Fuzzy took a step forward, pulling out his wand and gesturing it at the Death Licker. "You will pay for kidnapping Hairy Grabber! You had best prepare-"
"-FOR TROUBLE!" Luna declared dramaticly.
"Yes, that's- wait, what?" Fuzzy turned, only to realize that Luna and Tydal had done a quick costume change and were now wearing matching white uniforms with a stylized G on them. Celestia was holding her head in embarrassment while Shining just rolled his eyes. "What are you-"
"MAKE IT DOUBLE!" Tydal declared as Luna used her magic to turn on some dramatic music.
"To protect the world from devastation!" Luna proclaimed.
"To unite all creatures within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of pigeons and doves!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Luna!"
"Tydal!"
"God Squad blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Cadence! Cadence!" the pink alicorn cheered, joining the three.
Celestia turned to Hones and just sighed. "I am pretty sure those two were adopted."
The female griff Death Licker merely pulled out her own wand, firing a blast at the rescuers, forcing them to scatter. "You think your little song and dance will scare me?"
"We were hoping you would be so impressed your tell us we were going on to the nex round," Luna stated.
"... what next round?"
Luna grinned. "Well, if we performed well enough, then you don't give us a red X and-"
Fuzzy, surprising many who looked at him and saw only a feeble old griff, did a twist in midair and landed in between Hairy and the Death Licker, firing off his own blast of magic. Summoned by the noise, 20 more Death Lickers burst into the dentist's office and began to engage the group in battle.
"I am surprised you came here... I'd have thought you'd be afraid to face me, old bird!" the female griff stated.
"Why would I be afraid of you?" Fuzzy asked.
The Death Licker laughed. "No one ever told you what happened to your granddaughter."
Fuzzy's brow furrowed. "What do you mean... she is in Cloudsdale as a foreign exchange student."
"No," the griff stated, pulling off her mask. "I... am your granddaughter."
"Gilda!" Fuzzy shouted in surprise.
"Gilda!" Hairy said in shock.
"... I don't know who that is," Celestia said in confusion.
Jaunty Watcher groaned. "All these pop culture references are giving me a belly ache."
Hairy Grabber and the Something Something of Someotherthing
"Twi, what's wrong?" Spike rubbed his eyes as Twilight reached over and flicked on a light. A glance at the clock told him it was 3 in the morning.
"I had the weirdest dream," Twilight stated, rubbing the bits of sleep from her eyes.
Spike swung his legs around, placing his feet on the floor. He shivered, looking for the pair of slippers Rarity had bought him, and quickly slipped them on to ensure his toes stayed nice and toasty. "This isn't the one where you were a table, is it?"
"No Spike," Twilight said in annoyance, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. "No... this one was different. I mean, you and the girls were in it."
Spike held up a hand. "Wait, let me guess... Pinkie Pie turned out to be an alien overlord sent to destroy every city on the planet with a cupcake cannon."
"...no Spike."
"But that would be cool, wouldn't it? I mean, not the whole destroying cities thing, but the cupcake cannon."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Sure Spike." Shoving the covers off of her, Twilight turned so she could look at her friend/Number 1 Assistant. "In the dream everything was pretty much the same."
"So you were the Princess' student?"
"Uh huh."
"And we ran the library and Applejack was a farmer and Pinkie was... well, Pinkie?"
"Right... except we weren't ourselves."
"What were we then? Not... zombies!"
Twilight scoffed. "No Spike, not zombies."
“Ok, so it doesn’t sound that bad.”
Twilight frowned. “Well, of course it wasn’t bad, but it was weird. I mean, first off we were really, really… backwards.”
“Backwards?”
“Technology wise. Maybe 70 years behind where we are now. Of course, that should be expected, considering…”
"Considering what?"
"We were... ponies."
The 18 year old raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Ponies?"
Twilight ran her fingers through her hair. "Yup. Pastel ponies."
"Pastel."
The young woman nodded. "Yeah... I mean, we kinda looked like ourselves... we all had the same haircuts and our faces were similar-" Spike shuddered at the thought of Twilight's face plastered on a pony's body, "-and we talked like ourselves and everything was pretty much like it is now except we were ponies."
Spike grimaced. "Could I not be a pony?"
"Actually, you were a baby dragon."
"Well... that is a touch better," Spike grunted. "Next time I think you shouldn't try any of Derpy's special muffins. They seem to make you dream crazy things."
"Maybe you're-" Twilight cellphone buzzed. Flicking it open, Twilight stared at the number before bringing the phone to her ear. "Yeah Dash?"
"Heeeeeeeeeyyyyy Twilgiht," Rainbow slurred. "Gild...Gild...hic... Gilda just texted me... she had a dream she was a griffon... how... how screwed up is that?"
"I hate it when she drunk dials me," Twilight muttered.
The God Squad Episode 32: Hairy Grabber and the Something Something of Someotherthing.
"Hones, what is blazes should we do now?" Watcher asked, ducking as a bolt of magic flew over his head.
"Do our best to remain safe until our companions can handle these Death Lickers."
"Do you believe they can defeat them?" Watcher asked.
"I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!" Tydal screamed in glee, leaping over their heads and decapitating three griffins.
"...ok, stupid question, but what about the females. I so worry that-"
"RUN!" Two Death Lickers screamed in fear.
"WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Cadence exclaimed. She was riding on Celestia's back, throwing hand grenades at anything that moved.
"Maybe I should just shut my fat beak."
Hones nodded. "That might be a good idea."
Shining landed next to Luna, having just avoided a rather nasty curse (said curse, Forgettecus Pissicus, which made one forget what urinating was; it was one of the UnNice Ones). "I am getting really tired of our trips ending in battle!"
"Not me... this is like old times!" Luna's horn glowed and she sent one of her own spells out (One that made anypony hit with it think their noses had turned into moon pies).
"That's because you were raised by a crazy war god!" Shining complained, erecting a barrier just as several Bloody Nose Spells were sent his way. "The rest of us had normal childhoods."
"Right, because living with Twilight Sparkle was normal?"
"...I respectfully retract my statement."
Fuzzy stared at Gilda, his eyes sad but full of determination. "You can not win, Gilda... if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you could possible imagine."
"So... I should let you strike me and I will become more powerful than I could possibly imagine?"
"...no."
"You hesitated, grandpa."
"...no."
"Just a quick question," Tydal said, pausing long enough in his fight to lean his head towards the two fighting family members. "Is anyone else bothered that Gilda doesn't have a griffish accent. Hell, I have more of an accent than her." His tail swung and he slit the throat of another Death Licker. “It isn’t a big deal but I am curious.”
Gilda rolled her eyes. "I practically grew up in Equestria, that is why I talk like this."
"Right, very good," Tydal flicked his tail, slashing at a Death Licker that attempted to impale him with a coat rack. "Please continue pointing your long wooden sticks at each other till stuff shoots out... it is in no way gay."
"Gilded Beauty, why are you doing this?" Fuzzy asked, countering one of her spells.
"First, my name is Gilda! That is tough and macho, like me! Second, I am doing this to prove my love to Rainbow Dash!"
"Oh, I know her!" Celestia said, landing next to Gilda, Cadence leaping off her back. "She's dating Applejack, right?"
Cadence nodded. “Yeah, Scootaloo is there kid, right?”
Luna frowned, having abandoned her hiding spot to join in on the conversation. "Wait, I thought you were in a steady relationship with Trixie and Scootaloo is your adopted daughter; that is what Iron Will told me, at least.”
Cadence sighed. “Oh, why must there be so many secret origins of Scootaloo.” She turned towards the fourth wall and winked.
Gilda, noticing that all the other Death Lickers had stopped fighting so they could hear her backstory, sighed. "If you must know, Trixie and I are Moanons."
"What's a Moanon?" Shining asked.
"We were founded 100 years ago... truth be told, I'm not really a part of the religion, I just like having multiple sex partners.
Tydal frowned. "Wow... that is offensive, even for me."
"I'm sure you've heard worse," Gilda argued.
Luna shook her head. "Nope, and Cadence declared herself the Pope of Orgies last week."
"Dominus Screwinus," Cadence said serenely.
"... well, it doesn't matter! I am going to make Rainbow Dash love me by murdering Hairy Grabber!"
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "And I thought my little ponies were stupid."
"Enough, Gilda!" From the shadows emerged Moldy Wart, He Who Can Be Named But Only on Sundays, The Dark Lord (though he doesn't have the paperwork to back that up), and the Heir to Sipperin. He was a thin, pale griffin with dark red eyes and a small, hook-like beak. His head was bald and his body lean, yet filled with tough old muscle like that of a python. He wore simple dark robes and a wand was in his pocket (obviously, he wasn't happy to see you). "This is my fight, not yours."
"Yes, my lord," Gilda said, bowing.
"Yes my lord," Luna mocked.
"Ah yes... what a wonderful day this is!" The Dark Lord prowled towards the group, his Death Lickers gathering around him. "Soon I will destroy both my enemies."
"I will not fall... not here," Fuzzy said.
"Not you, you old bat!" Moldy snapped.
Celestia leveled her horn at Moldy. "Many have tried-"
"What?" Moldy exclaimed in shock. "You honestly think I would want to destroy any of you?" He waved his paw at the Equestrians. "I kill you and we have no sun, no moon, no sea, no love and... uh..." Moldy looked at Shining. "What are you the god of?"
"Right right, very good," Moldy said. "Thank you, Lord Tydal. No, I have no problems with you five. My enemy..."
"Is me," Hones said coolly, walking towards the Dark Lord. "I must say, it was quite clever of you to set up the clues as you did. You knew that I would see your claws moving the pieces but I would be unable to do anything until this juncture."
"Indeed, Mr. Hones," Moldy said.
"I don't understand," Watcher stated, his brow furrowed as he tried to make sense of this new development.
"You see, my dear Watcher, this is not Moldy Wart, but instead Professor MoldWarty, the criminal mastermind who controls all black market deals. I have been seeking to cripple him for some time."
"And you nearly succeeded, though you will not have long to savor your victory!" Moldy leapt at Hones, grappling with him, while Gilda and Fuzzy continued their magical duel.
"... we don't need to stick around for this, do we?" Cadence asked. "I think they have everything handled."
"Yes, I believe you are right," Celestia stated, slowly backing away. "Let us-"
Their path was impeded by the sudden appearance of a blue police box.
"Hello there, I figured I would stop in-" The Doctor looked at the insanity and frowned. "Nevermind, I see I have come at a bad time!"
As Doctor Whooves hurried back into his box a stray magical bolt struck the TADRIS’ Deus Ex Machina panel, causing it to spark. The Doctor did not have time to stop his trip through time, so there was nothing he could do as the rip in the fabric of space and time remained open, even after his leaving. The pull of the vortex was great and the combatants quickly decided to take their fights to the Denny's next door.
"AAAA!" Shining yelped as he was hit by a book caught in the vortex's pull and was ripped towards the yawning maw. He closed his eyes, bracing for the worst, only to open his eyes when he felt himself come to a halt.
"Hold on, Shining!" Tydal called out, straining to pull the captain away from the vortex. His tail thrashed and his legs buckled and Luna was forced to grab onto Tydal's back legs and attempt to keep her brother-in-law and brother from being gobbled up.
It didn't work.
"Celestia!" Luna screamed as she began to slide, Cadence and Celestia rushing over and straining to keep the others from being warped away. "I'm loosing my grip!"
"What do we do?" Cadence screeched.
Celestia grit her teeth. "We have to fight... if we are sucked in we could end up anywhere!"
"Let me go!" Shining called out, hooves touching the vortex's outer edge. "Save yourselves."
The alicorn sisters shared a looked, then glanced at Cadence and Tydal, who nodded.
"We're family," Celestia said simply as she stopped fighting the pull.
"Into the breach," Tydal stated, drawing himself closer to Shining and wrapping his forelegs around him. Cadence, Luna and Celestia joined them, the five hugging each other as they were sucked into the vortex, never to be seen again.
Just kidding.
Shining groaned as he awoke. The sun was shining in his eyes and the smell of the sea hit his nostrils. He groaned, struggling to get up, sand clinging to his back. Twisting so he was flat on his belly, he looked around, trying to figure out where the hell he was. All he saw were palm trees and wild overgrowth, making the world three distinct colors: sandy brown, green, and sky blue.
He heard some muttering and turned, watching as Celestia tried to rip a sea shell from her horn. Luna had landed in the surf and was covered in seaweed, while Cadence was still out of it, her rump sticking up in the air. Tydal was above him, stuck in a tree and cursing everything and anything.
"Are you alight, Shining?" Celestia asked.
"Fine, Princess, fine." Shining spit out some sand and used his magic to help Tydal down. "Where are we?"
"Hard to tell," Luna said, looking out at the water. "We could be anywhere, really."
"Not anywhere," Tydal whispered, staring in the opposite direction as the rest of them. Shining turned, seeing only green, then realized he needed to look UP.
"By the Creator," Celestia whispered.
A great black castle rose up over the jungle, its spires towering over them. It looked to be carved out of obsidian and thousands of windows lined its towers and walls. The castle rivaled Canterlot's in size and magnificence and even the alicorns felt small in its presence.
"What... is that?" Shining asked.
Luna swallowed. "Well... I guess we won't be sidetracked anymore."
Shining whipped around to stare at her. "You mean..."
Tydal nodded, answering for his sister. "Welcome to the Changeling Hive."
Cadence snored. "Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts!" She mumbled something then went back to sleep.
"Please, Lord Megatron... you must know that I only mean to serve you!"
The leader of the Decepticons glared at his air commander before delivering a vicious kick to his side. The great silver-white gladiator-turned-rebel-turned-war lord glared at the cringing form of Starscream, all around coward and sniveling backstabber, and felt only his rage and disgust grow at the sight of him. It would have been so easy to destroy the fool right then and there but despite his reputation Megatron wasn't one for scrapping his soldiers without thought. It did no good to get rid of cannon fodder. Failure was punished but, if done right, it could be a great motivator.
Still, Starscream tested the limits of Megatron's already razor thin patience.
"If that were true, Starscream, you would have completed the job yourself, as I demanded, instead of tasking it out to that mercenary!"
"I... I believed him capable."
"His name is DoubleDealer, Starscream... did it not occur to you for a second that he would turn on you... and us... for the right price?" Megatron's jaw clenched. While it was true that even he had made use of the hired gun's talents from time to time, it had only been as a last resort and Megatron had always saw fit that there was little chance of the warrior betraying them. Dealer was used when needed but Megatron never forgot that the triple-changer held no alliance save to his own wealth. It was something Megatron could respect, which is why he hadn't scrapped the merc yet.
But Starscream, in his attempt to avoid a fight, had screwed up. He had hired Dealer to retrieve plans for an Autobot mobile fortress. Dealer had been more than happy to provide said plans... but not before cutting a deal with Prime. Dealer had doubled his energon and the Autobots had altered their plans so that blueprints Megatron held were now useless and outdated. They had lost 200 soldiers attempting to attack a weak point that wasn't there.
Thus the reason Starscream was being beaten.
"Please, Lord Megatron... mercy!" Starscream whined.
The leader of the Decepticons struck the head of the Seekers one more time before turning away in disgust. "Get out of my sight, Starscream... but know this... you have broken what very, very little trust I had in you-"
"FOREVER!" Pinkie Pie screamed, popping up behind Megatron.
Starscream leapt up, pointing his null rays at the pink pony. She, however, showed no sign of noticing and began to happily trot along Megatron's shoulder, looking around at the strange new world she found herself.
"Wow, this place is strange! Your grass is metal and so are your roads and buildings..." Pinkie turned and bucked Megatron in the head, causing a long GONG! sound to ring out. "And even your head is metal!" Pinkie giggled and struck Megatron again. "Bong bong bong!"
"Miserable little vermin!" Megatron roared, reaching to grab the pink pony and squeeze the life out of her. Pinkie merely bounced onto his hand then sprang onto his other shoulder.
"Your head is like a bell!" She turned and began to buck out a tune. "Heart and soul... I fell in love with you heart and soul-"
"Get off of me, you pathetic-"
Pinkie leapt down and began to bounce about, somehow managing to avoiding Megatron's kicks. "Wow, look at this place... it is super special awesome!" She ran up to Starscream, tilting her head. "You don't look happy... I can fix that!" From seeming out of nowhere she pulled out a party cannon and fired it at Starscream. When the smoke cleared the air commander was dressed as a ballerina and his guns were now rubber chickens. "See!" Pinkie turned and skipped away, singing to herself.
"...Starscream, we never speak of this again."
"Agreed, Lord Megatron."
The God Squad Episode 34: C-H-A...N-G-E...L-I-N-G-S!
"So... this is the changeling hive," Shining said as they walked towards the castle. Behind them the tropical sea's waves crashed against the shoreline and in the distance they could hear a bird let out a startled cry. "Why?"
"Why what?" Celestia asked.
"Why is THIS the hive? It doesn't look like a hive. It looks nothing like a hive."
Luan shrugged. "Well, I hear it was originally called Changeling Abbey but they changed it for legal reasons."
Shining blinked, wondering if Luna was screwing with him, before deciding to just shrug it off.
"So, what is the plan?" Celestia asked.
"We storm the castle," Tydal said simply, eyes narrowed as he prepped for the battle to come.
"... what is the plan that doesn't see half of us killed?"
"Well, we first need to find a way in," Luna stated. She tapped her chin in thought, ignoring Tydal as he pointed out that storming the gate WOULD make an opening to let them in. "Now, let us see... Daring Do would build a slingshot that would give her enough lift to land in the upper right window."
"OOO!" Cadence exclaimed, waving her hoof. "What if we bought a big hollow cake and I got inside and when the time is right I burst out, giving Shining a kiss and sing Happy Birthday to him?"
"How would that get us into the hive?" Shining asked.
"What hive? I'm just thinking about what we should do for fun!" Luna reached over and turned Cadence's head so she could see the castle. "...oh."
"Why don't we just go through the front door?" Celestia pointed to a sign, that featured pictures of happy changelings with the words "Changeling Hive Entrance This Way".
"...it is worth a shot," Tydal stated. Not having any other ideas (well, except the suicide charge, but that was not going to happen), the others followed him up to the gate, which was not anything like the expected. Instead of guards and sentries there was a lone changeling manning a ticket booth.
"3 bits," the changeling proclaimed.
"Huh?" Luna said.
"3 bits, not that hard to understand."
"3 bits for what?" Celestia asked.
"To come into the hive... it isn't that unusual. 3 bits for entry... or 7 bits if you want the specialty package."
Tydal raised his eyebrow. "And what pray tel is the specialty package?"
"You get a ticket, a map, and a changeling hat."
"Oooooo!" Cadence said in glee. "Let's get that." She slammed 35 bits on the counter before anyone could stop her.
"Very good," the attendant said, pulling out five little hats and placing them on their heads. The hat was plain black cloth with a pair of miniature changeling wings stuck on the top. "Enjoy your visit to the Changeling Hive: The Happiest Place Ever."
Shining glanced up in confusion at the hat. "Something is not quite right here."
"When has anything about this trip been 'quite right'?" Tydal asked.
"Exactly... and this is only worse."
"Yes, but I think we should go along with all of this until we know more," Celestia said. They five entered the hive and were surprised to find it not filled with wicked looking changelings but instead gift shops and loud, brightly-lit games. There were changelings milling about, but also ponies, griffins, perytons, and-
"Coral!" Tydal snapped. "What are you doing here?!?"
"Hi daddy!" the capricorn princess said, bouncing over to him. She also had a cap on and had, apparently, won a large stuffed changeling doll. "I took a wrong turn at Trottingham and ended up here! Isn't it nice?" She hugged herself. "This place gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling."
"That is the changelings sucking the love out of you," Shining said dryly.
"...meh."
"Coral, daddy wants you to go home right now."
"Do I have ta?" Coral whimpered.
"Yes, and stop pouting."
Coral broke into a grin. "Okey dokey smokie!" She turned to skip away, only to turn and flash them a smile. "If you want to find the queen, try the ride to your right." With that she bounced away, though she did stop long enough to get her hoof stamped.
"...I suppose it couldn't hurt to go on the ride," Celestia said.
"Actually it could hurt... alot," Shining reminded them.
"Well, too late, because we are already on it," Luna stated.
Shining looked down and realized that, yes, he was now sitting in a small 'boat' on a motorized rail way, a safety bar lowering onto his lap. "How... what..."
"Welcome, everyone, to the Changeling Hive," the ride's announcer stated. “Please keep your limbs in the vehicle at all times.” The ‘boat’ began to move along the rail, taking the fivesome through an archway cut into the wall. They were plunged into darkness and Luna lit up her horn. “The Changelings… one of the most amazing races in the world. Did you know that you can find Changelings on every continent? Well, you can! And they all believe in the same thing…”
The lights came on the group stared at the scene: hundreds of robotic changelings, all dressed in different cultural clothing, holding hands and singing.
Changeling Robots
Kill the ponies big and small Kill the ponies big and small Kill the ponies big and small Kill the ponies big and small!
“Well… this is disturbing,” Shining said as they rode past three changelings dressed in kilts who were playing golf.
“I am going to have this song stuck in my head all day,” Celestia muttered.
Changeling Robots
When Chrysalis yells we heed the call To hunt them in the spring or fall! Then we'll sell their heads in a shopping mall! Kill the ponies big and small!
“Well, I am a capricorn, so I’m good, right?” Tydal asked.
"Did you know that Changelings have a long history of attacking other species and eating their love?"
"I did not know that," Luna stated. "Please tell me more."
"Sister, that is a recording, it can't-"
"Certainly, Princess Luna," the recording stated. The 'boat' took a left and the fivesome found themselves staring at a recreation of Griffland in the 1600s. "Back then, daring Changelings would ride in their great tall ships, pillaging love from coast to coast."
"Well, that is interesting," Tydal commented as they watched robotic changelings chase around griffins.
Robo Changelings
Yo ho, yo ho It's a changeling life for me!
"It is all very... festive," Celestia said. "But I think being around all these changelings is causing Cadence to have a nervous break down." She glanced over at the pink alicorn, who was rocking back and forth, sucking on her hoof and mumbling 'They come at night... mostly' over and over.
"There were some changelings, however, that did not want to eat pony love," the ride stated. They took another turn, leaving the pirates behind and coming to a stop in front of a regal looking stage. "One such changeling was Honest Abdomen, or Abe for short. He spoke of ponies and changelings living together in peace and harmony."
A robotic changeling slowly stood up from the chair he had been seated in, his stovetop hat clutched in his hooves. He had a long blue beard and a tired, regal bearing. "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers-"
"He was promptly devoured for speaking against the crown."
"AAAAAAAAA!!"
All the ponies cringed as robo changelings began to tear robo-Abe to shreds. "Hmmm, interesting choice when it came to gutting him," Tydal said, stroking his beard.
"And now that we come to the Hall of Mirrors..." the recording said in a spooky voice. "You might find... that a changeling is riding with you!" Looking at the mirrors, Shining rolled his eyes when he saw 'Chrysalis' riding with them.
"That is just another robot behind some glass that, with the right lighting, makes it look... like..." he noticed the others were staring at him. "She's really sitting next to me, isn't she?"
"Indeed, lover," Chrysalis purred, wrapped her forelegs around Shining. "We never did get a honeymoon..."
"I need an adult! I need an adult!" Shining screamed.
"She is an adult," Celestia pointed out.
"Not helping!" Shining screamed as the queen yanked him out of the boat, taking flight out of the ride and to her private chamber.
"We have to do something!" Luna exclaimed.
"Help... police..." Tydal said dryly. When the others glowered at him he snorted. "Oh yeah, like he was any more concerned when i was kidnapped by that cult!"
"Please... please don't kill me!" Prince Blueblood whimpered, backing away from Angelo Bunnitori de Ponyville. The assassin merely flicked out his hidden blades, nose twitching as he approached the whimpering stallion. "Please... please I have a family... brothers and sisters and my sick grandma... kill them instead!"
Angel merely glared at him before raising his weapon up, the light from the bathroom lamps gleaming along its surface.
BOOM!
"See, I told you I could break it!" Wall Breaker the 4th said with a smirk. "My name is Wall Breaker... why did you doubt me?"
Logic Pont just stared. "Uh... because I thought your special talent was... er..."
"HELP ME!" Blueblood screamed in fear. "You must help me, I am your ruler!"
"Actually, that isn't true," Mary Sue, the black coat/red maned alicorn said. She trotted through the hole in the wall, followed by Derpy and, of all ponies, Plot Dump the Narrator.
"What are you talking about, of course I am the king!" Blueblood gulped when Angel took a step towards him. "Unless the king is the one you are here to kill, then I am totally not him."
"You aren't the king due to the line of succession," Mary stated.
Logic Point frowned. "Wait... you don't mean that you are in charge... do you?"
Mary Sue laughed. "Of course not. You think I would want the job? Plot Dump?"
"It was then that the truth was revealed to the stupid, stupid Prince Blueblood."
"That isn't very nice!" Blueblood whined.
Plot Dump cleared his throat. "The Prince, who obviously bleached his mane, learned that Princess Celestia had declared that, should she ever leave, it would be her sister and then niece who would rule. If those two could not be found, then Celestia's great granddaughter would rule."
"The Princess had children?!?" Logic Point exclaimed in shock. "How?"
"Well, when a mare and a colt love each other very much," Wall Breaker began, only to be shushed.
"That doesn't matter," Mary Sue said. "What does matter is that Celestia's great granddaughter is here to rule....Derpy?"
The mailmare grinned. "Guards... remove Prince Blueblood's crown and give it to me." She smiled at they placed the crown on her head, admiring her reflection in the mirror. Every pony let out a sigh of relief, knowing that, at the very least, Derpy being in charge would mean an end to the insane rules. "I have fours proclamations: 1) Muffins are the best. 2) I will be known as The Dark Queen of Evil. 3) Death to all those that do not bow to me. 4) Muffins are yummy."
"Say what?" Logic Point said in surprise, before Wall Breaker yanked him down. "I mean... all hail the Dark Queen of Evil!"
The God Squad Episode 35: The Punchline
“Kill the ponies big and small… kill the ponies big and small…”
“Please stop singing that,” Celestia told Luna. The two of them were looking for some way up into the upper levels of the Changeling Hive so that they could rescue Shining Armor from the queen. However, luck was not on their side in the slightest, as they could not find any stairs at all. Nor could they find any elevators, escalators or masturbators (thank the Creator).
“Come now, it is a very catchy song,” Luna proclaimed.
“That may be but it is doing little to help Cadence’s mood… and her ability to not break down crying.”
“Where is Cadence, anyway?” Luna asked, twisting around. She failed to see that Cadence was gripping her flank, eyes wide with fear.
“Here and there,” Celestia stated calmly, using her magic to pry the trembling love goddess from Luna’s rump. “Cadence, sweetie, you must get a hold of yourself…”
“They locked me up… they locked me up in those caves… there wasn't even a DSL line!”
“Yes, and that was horrible,” Celestia said soothingly, stroking her niece/little sister’s mane. “But Cadence, we are immortals… we must behave with dignity and respect… you are kinda being a baby and it is embarrassing me.”
“Ok… ok…” Cadence took a deep breath. “I-“
“Look at what I found!” Tydal said happily, dropping a bag from the Changeling Gift Shop at their hooves. “It is the ‘Attack on Canterlot’ Playset!” He began to pull out the toys. “There is a little Chrysalis, and a little you, Celestia… see, your eyes shut when you fall over… because you loss... like a bitch!”
“Yes… I remember,” Celestia ground out.
“And there is a little Shining armor ready to be raped… oh, and look Cadence, it is a little you who is a prisoner of war!” He held up the little toy Cadence before throwing it into a tiny plastic cell. “Help me, help me!” he said in a high pitch voice.
And with that, Cadence was clinging to Celestia’s face, eyes wide in terror.
“…did I ever tell you how I got these scars?” the pink alicorn asked quietly, her face twitching like she was getting electro shocked. “My father was… a drinker… and a fiend.”
Tydal pursed his lips. “Well then… maybe we can play with them later.” He quickly scooped up his goodies and threw them in the bag. “I also lodged a complaint about them not having a figure of me. Maybe somepony can make one on Shapeway…” Tydal slowly turned and, if he were in, let’s say, a badly written fan fic, would have been looking right at the audience. “Hint hint.”
“Could we please focus on saving Shining Armor?” Celestia said, tugging Cadence off of her.
“That is easy,” Tydal pointed to the gift shop. “There is an elevator in the back. One of the cashiers told me about it.”
The girls rushed forward, only for Celestia to spin around and whisper something in Tydal’s ear. The god of the sea nodded before rushing in the opposite direction.
“What was that about?” Luna asked.
“Scheming,” Celestia said with a dark smirk.
~MC~MC~MC~
"You know, this isn't what I fully expected," Shining stated, looking over the fancy tux that had been given to him. It was perfectly tailored and the brilliant cerulean vest really complimented his mane. The only thing ruining the whole ensemble were the ropes that held him tight to the highback chair he was restrained to.
"And what were you expecting?" Chrysalis asked, popping the cork on a bottle of champagne. She wore a tight little red cocktail dress and a string of pearls around her neck. The queen licked her fangs as she poured each of them a glass of the bubbly.
Shining wasn't for sure where exactly in the hive they were, he just knew that, for the oddest of reasons, it looked like a restaurant that would be home in Prance. The walls were a light red and the floor was of the highest quality hardwood. Above them were crystal chandeliers and the tables, draped with silk cloth, had a single long stem candle that gave the entire affair a romantic atmosphere. There were several other ponies eating and none of them were paying the slightest bit of attention to Shining. It would have been the type of place he would have taken Cadence... or, at least in the past, before she had suffered from PTSD that caused her to scream "ORGY!" in any public place.
"I don't know..." Shining said, finally answering her question, "whips and chains and screams-"
"What do I look like, your harlot of a wife?" Chrysalis complained. "I for one have culture and grace and I would never dream of behaving in such a matter. That mare reduces love and romance to something cheap and torrid. I believe love should be grand and elegant." She threw back her head and flashed him a dainty smile. "Just like myself. I so enjoy the finer things in life."
"It is easy to enjoy them when you steal them," Shining countered.
Chrysalis waved off his complaint. "I will admit I have resorted to some rather underhoof methods to obtain my wealth and prestige, but what ruler hasn't? Do you honestly believe that your precious princesses are any different? They were raised by the great warrior Tydal, Creator rest his soul." Before Shining could question her on that the changeling queen continued. "Were ponies hurt in my attempt to set up a new hive in Canterlot? Of course... just as ponies were hurt when Celestia conquered the Yellow-Bellied Ferrets of Prance. You only hate me because you lack the ability to see my side of the issue." Chrysalis raised their glasses with her magic. "But enough of such heavy talk... tonight is about us. What should we toast too? Our good health? Our love? My lovely hair?"
"Your hair?"
"Of course... so silky smooth and other than the holes in it, a full body and bounce." Chrysalis turned to stare at seemingly nothing. "All thanks to Suave!"
"...what?"
Chrysalis took a sip of her champagne before turning her attention to the wonderful salad that was laid out before her. "Now then, while we enjoy this fine meal we can talk about our lives together. I am thinking we need to double the staff of the hive... you'll need a proper valet, of course, and we could use another footman-"
"Stop the raping at once!" Luna declared, bucking the door open. It was amazing she was able to do it, as she was closing her eyes at the time (fearing she would burst in on Chrysalis and Shining doing it).
"Excuse me, madams," a snooty changeling matire 'de said, buzzing over to the three alicorns. "I am afraid you can not enter if you do not have an appointment."
"Oh," Cadence said, snapping out of her near catatonic state. "Is it too late to book-"
Luna's horn flared and the maître 'de was sent flying through the air. "Everypony out!" The patrons stalked out, muttering about 'low class goddesses not knowing how things were done in a cultural world'.
"Not you two," Celestia said, stopping Chrysalis' escape. "Release Shining Armor at once."
"I think not," the queen said, baring her fangs. "He and I are in love-"
"She doesn't speak for me!" Shining pleaded.
"We are going to be married on the 5th of May... I will be a Spring bride and have flowers woven in my hair-"
"Seriously, she doesn't speak for me!"
"And then we will return her and rule the changelings as husband and wife!"
"The views expressed by her do not represent the views of this stallion!" Shining called out.
Celestia merely narrowed her eyes. "I would suggest you do as I ask and release him."
Chrysalis laughed. "You might frighten others, Princess, but not me. I defeated you once already and no deus ex machina/the power of love bullshit is going to save you this time."
"In that case, I have a question," Celestia said, strangely calm. "Just one simple, important question. Once I am done asking it, I assure you that our business will be ended." The room seemed to grow darker with every word the solar princess said.
"And that question is?" Chrysalis said hauntily.
"If you are so smart... why build your hive on the shore of the sea?"
A terrible roar filled the entire hive and Chrysalis turned, eyes so wide it was a wonder her eye sockets didn't shatter. Luna threw up a protective shield as the roof of the tower they were in was ripped away, revealing a waking nightmare.
It was Tydal, but not as any had seen him. In fact, not since the very beginnings of time that he had appeared as he did then. He was gigantic, standing taller than the hive, his great form blocking out the sun. His body was a swirl of dark water that gushed out of the pores of the sea floor that now made up his skeleton. He had no true legs to speak of, for in their place was a wall of water, and from this there were long tentacles that ended with snapping versions of his head, made of pure water. His great head loomed towards them, black eyes staring from the depths of the water like some phantom pearls. His goatee was now a writhing mess of watery tentacles and his mane was a black thundercloud, lightning cracking as it formed a crown that encircled his horns.
"What..." Shining murmured in horror and awe.
"Captain Armor... I give you Lord Tydal's 40% form."
The god of the sea let out a battle cry and Chrysalis fell to her knees, trembling as the mighty head loomed in close. Salt water rained down upon them as the snout came closer, his other heads batting away any changeling that dared to approach.
And then the water seemed to rush back and Tydal reverted to his normal form, his feet clicking on the floor as he walked towards the whimpering changeling queen.
"Did you truly think you could match my power... the god of the sea and the god of war? Turn around," Tydal said coldly. Chrysalis sniffed but did as she was told. The others held their breath, waiting for the violent attack to begin. "Bad Chryssy!" Tydal exclaimed... before spanking her flank.
"Ooowww!" she whimpered.
"You do not attack Celestia and Luna, you do not kidnap Cadence and you do not date Shining Armor!" Tydal said as he spanked her. "Bad Chryssy!"
"Sorry! Sorry!" Chryaslis cried. She stepped away when Tydal stopped; sniffing as she turned wet eyes towards the capricorn.
Tydal sighed. "There... I hoof punched you in the flank. I did as I said I would, so my honor is satisfied. Now come here and give me a hug."
Chrysalis rushed into his embrace, crying like a foal as she nuzzled him. "I thought you were dead... I missed you so much, big brother!"
"WHAT?!?!" Shining, Celestia, Luna and Cadence screamed.
Tydal blinked, releasing Chrysalis but still keeping a foreleg wrapped around her shoulder. The changeling queen held him tight, like she was afraid he would disappear. "What's the matter with you four?"
"What does she mean, big brother? You're not her brother... you're ours!" Luna screamed.
Tydal pursed his lips. "Uh... I'm your brother and hers... your four are sisters." He pointed at Celestia. "It goes you, then Luna, then Chryssy, then Cadence... didn't you wonder why she was an alicorn?"
“She’s not an alicorn!” Celestia shouted.
“Wings, horn, horse body. Alicorn.”
“But her wings are… buggy!” Luna exclaimed.
“I am a subset,” Chrysalis stated simply. “Still an alicorn.”
Tydal just stared at their shocked faces. "Are you sure I didn't tell you? I am pretty sure I told you that Chrysalis is our sister and I only went on this mission to find her, spank her for being naughty and then inform her I was alive again.” The others just stared. “Are you sure I didn’t-“
"YES!" The foursome screamed.
"Oh... my bad," Tydal and Chryaslis trotted over to the table that Shining had been sitting at and grabbed the menus. "Let's have dinner... I feel like a steak! By the way, what is up with me not having an action figure in the gift shop?”
"And so it came to pass that the God Squad completed their mission, though not in the matter that any had expected. For Luna, Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor had believed they were heading for an epic battle between themselves and the changelings... yet in the end the battle was little more than Tydal giving a spanking to their 'long lost' sister, the goddess of drama, Chrysalis. Lord Tydal explained that Chrysalis had not meant to harm any of them during her attempt to create ChangelingHive: Equestria, and after many hours of debate and some hot coco, got all sides to agree, begrudgingly, to let bygones be bygones.
"After spending several days at the hive, riding the rides and watching Chrysalis perform her one changeling show ‘The Thorax Monologues’, the fivesome bid Chrysalis and the changelings goodbye and made their way home. Unlike their trip to the hive, this one offered little adventure and, after two weeks, they arrived on the shores of Equestria.
"Some might say that their journey was over... but those ponies would be wrong.... the squad had a lot of livin’ to do, and as I always say to white folks when they seek folksie advice… ya either get busy livin’ or get-"
"Who the hay are you?"
"My name is Morgan Freeman... who are you?"
"I am Plot Dump, the narrator, and you are stealing my job. Leave this story at once!"
"Alright then, no need to be pushy. I'll just go stop Kevin Spacey with the help of Brad Pitt. Oh, hi Cate!”
“Hello Morgan. And hello, strange talking pony… I am Cate Blanchett… I was told there was a narrator’s job that needed filling?”
The God Squad Episode 36: There and Back Again
"Canterlot... it is a sight for sore eyes."
Luna rolled her eyes (which were not sore in the slightest). "I honestly don’t see what is so great about it. It is a big castle on the side of a mountain... it looks like a huge zit. A zit on the face of Mt. Equestria."
"It is grand and beautiful," Celestia argued.
Luna huffed. "I don't see why we can't move back to our old castle."
"You mean the one in the middle of the evil forest that we half destroyed trying to catch that ghost and whose other half was destroyed when you were all dark and evil?" Shining used his magic to wipe his brow. Truth be told, he was glad to be home and to put all their adventures behind him. He had only gone along in the first place because he feared what would happen to the princesses (and Cadence had forced him to go) and now that they were nearing the end he finally felt his stress levels returning to normal.
"Captain Armor?"
"Yes Princess Luna?"
"Shut up."
Cadence happily skipped along the trail leading up into the city. "I can't wait to get back and get settled! I am going to get a tofu burger at McDonalds, then I am going to check out the book store to see if the new Daring Do is in, then I will visit Ye Olde Sex Toy Shoppe..."
Celestia leaned towards her sister as Cadence happily babbled on about what flavor of edible panties she would buy. "We need to get her to Dr. Nick 'n Cut and get her back on her medications." Luna nodded in agreement.
Tydal, his gift bags from the Changeling Hive slung on his back, stared at Canterlot like a condemned pony heading to the gallows. "Couldn't we just skip the boring city full of boring rich ponies? Please? It can be my birthday present. You girls owe me about 1,500 of them, so you might as well start now."
"It won't be that bad," Celestia said, trying to soothe him. “We are still trying to get ponies use to the capricorns returning and having you in Canterlot is helping them see you aren’t that bad.”
“Well, except for all the noble ponies you keep injuring,” Shining commented.
“It isn’t that bad though,” Celestia said. “Maybe you’ll enjoy it this time!”
"I'd rather skin myself and roll around in a pit of salt then put up with another one of your parties full of brown-nosing kissflanks!" Tydal's tail swished in agitations. "I swear, if I see one snobby pony I am going to slit his-"
"Permission denied," Shining stated calmly.
"AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!" Tydal roared, taking his anger out on a tree (luckily, that tree was an escaped pedophile which had inappropriately touched several acorns, so he did the world a favor). "I hate this city and I hate that castle and I hate that-" Tydal tilted his head in confusion, "-statue of a lazy eye pegasus sitting on a bed of skulls?"
The others blinked, finally noticing the giant statue of Derpy, the Dark Queen of Evil.
"Huh... that's new," Luna said.
~4 Days and One Not-So-Epic-So-We-Are-Skipping-It Adventure Later...~
Everything was back to normal.
Well, as normal as things were in a land full of talking ponies, water-bending capricorns, and seminar-teaching minotaurs.
Derpy had happily handed over the throne and the crown to ‘Granny Tia’ and left with Mary Sue (who had received plenty of hugs from Tydal, who was a tad over-protective of his fellow OC). Blueblood had been commuted to an asylum for a few weeks, and Angel Bunny had disappeared when it was clear that killing Blueblood would actually make life easier for him. Princess Celestia had settled back into her daily duty, Luna continued her research in her lab, Shining Armor took command of the guard again, Tydal (to his annoyance) was back on his ‘goodwill tour’, and Cadence had been to the doctor and gotten her meds doubled.
Yes, things were back to normal… so the appearance of the Crystal Empire threw a wrench into things.
“So… we are sure this isn’t a trick, right?”
Celestia sighed for what felt like the fifteenth time. “Yes, Shining Armor, it isn’t a trick.”
“You are sure, right?” Shining asked. “I mean, it seems a little weird and I don’t want to end up dead or something because you thought this was really the Crystal Empire and instead it was one big trap designed to kill ponies-“
“SHE SAID IT WASN’T A TRAP!” Luna roared.
Shining blinked. “Uh… ok, fine. Sorry.”
“Ignore her,” Celestia said gently. “It is her time of the month.”
“I thought ponies had one time out of the year,” Shining stated.
"Huh?"
Shining blushed. "You know... they go into heat once a year..."
“Where did you hear that?” Celestia said in confusion.
“Sex ed class.”
“I really need to update their text books,” Celestia complained as Luna grabbed a gallon of ice cream and ate it while crying. “Anyhoo… so we now have a bunch of Crystal Ponies that need to be dealt with and I want you two to do the job.”
“Of course, Princess,” Cadence said.
“…really?” Shining asked, staring at his wife. “No other comment?”
“What do you mean?” Cadence asked.
“I mean… no question about if it is a blow job or a hoof job? No saying you prefer threesomes to twosomes? No jokes about being able to bang a new race?”
“Why would I say that?” Cadence said, confused.
Shining just stared at her before shrugging. “Alright, I guess…” Cadence took out a bottle and popped a few more pills. “Princess, we would be honored to help the Crystal Ponies.”
“Thank you, Shining Armor. I also plan to send Twilight Sparkle and her friends to help you.”
Cadence frowned. “Princess… why do you always send Shining’s sister to do things instead of doing them yourself?”
“BECAUSE WE RULE AND YOU SUCK!” Luna screamed, chucking her ice cream at Cadence’s head. “Oh… oh no… my ice cream!” Luna sobbed.
Celestia grabbed another bucket of the frozen dessert and thrust it into her sister’s forelegs. “Well, normally it is because I have a convoluted plan that involves using her like a pawn on giant chess board. But when it comes to the Crystal Empire, we have a very good reason… we are sort-of… kind of… banned… for life.”
“Why?” Shining asked.
“Well, the Crystal Ponies respond to emotions and… we were raising by Tydal, so…”
~Many, Many, Many years ago…~
There was a peaceful empire called Crystal… where shiny ponies lived in harmony… their coat sparkled like diamonds… it wasn’t at all gaudy, you see…
“AAAAARRRGG!” Tydal roared, Crystal Ponies running in a panic as the sea god let out war cries. They scurried as he chased after them, foaming at the mouth and eyes blazing with fury.
And all at once the trouble started… a violent menace from the sea… like a swarm of locust he descended… his goal to make the ponies flee!
“Again, again!” a filly Celestia cheered, her baby sister babbling in delight as Tydal reared up, preparing to scare another pony.
“AAARRRRGGGGG!” Tydal bellowed, sticking his tongue out and wiggling his ears. Luna, who was perched on his back, squealed and wiggled in delight, her diapered bottom bouncing up and down.
“Yay!”Celestia exclaimed, trotting around Tydal’s hooves as she watched the Crystal Ponies flee in terror.
~The Present, The Next Day…~
Tydal was bored.
He had ditched the ‘good will’ tour he’d been forced upon; he hadn’t minded visiting the orphanage (giving the director a large chest of gold and promising more… kids were always his weakness) or the farmer’s market (though some of the ponies had reacted badly when he ate a chicken... feathers and all), but when they had reached a cocktail luncheon with Jet Set and Upper Crust he had quickly made a snide remake and leapt into a fountain, using the water to teleport back to the castle.
The problem was that there was no one to hang around with. Shining and Cadence had already left to go to the Crystal Empire (which Celestia had forbidden him to go near… much to his frustration; she knew he could care less about being banned and didn't want him 'scaring those poor, hockey loving, Bryan Adams listening, beer guzzling Crystal Ponies'). Speaking of the sun princess, she had been busy plotting something involving Twilight Sparkle. He’d normally go have fun with Luna but for some reason she had snapped at him and told him to leave her alone, calling him every dirty name in the book when he didn't answer quick enough if her crown made her look fat. The capricorn king had sadly left with his tail between his legs before teleporting away (missing Luna’s crestfallen look and rush to find him and tearfully apologize) before he’d made his way north out of Canterlot, deciding to explore the country and see how it had changed after 1,500 years.
Of course, gazing upon this new world only made him feel old. He looked upon cities and remembered the forests that use to be there. He stared at mighty rivers and watched, depressed, as gambling river boats (boat for gambling and not boats THAT gambled) tugged by. Life had passed him by and he was coming to the sad conclusion that, other than his subjects, everyone had built a life without him. Celestia and Luna were rulers now… fine ones, yes… but they didn’t really need him anymore. The trip had been fun but it was clear that the novelty of having their big brother back was gone and Celestia and Luna saw him only as a bother.
And how long till his own daughters and wife felt the same way? Coral and Misty would one day marry and have families of their own (assuming they ever got tired of mooching off of him)… and Merida, his beloved wife, she already did so much without him… half the reason he was on this stupid trip to Canterlot was because she had told him to leave so she could work on important things… every pony was kicking him away…
~Meanwhile, in Tydal’s Keep~
“Why did we kick daddy out again?” Coral asked.
“Because you know he gets sick when he smells paint fumes and I want to surprise him by redoing our bedroom!” Merida said happily as she and the girls set to work. "He is going to be so excited when he sees this!"
~MC~MC~MC~
“Graba grog ah!”
Tydal blinked, staring at the strange creature before him. He hadn’t even realized that he wasn’t alone, so lost he was in his depression, until he had almost run into the strange being. The weird animal had a long red horn on its head, wore funny armor, and growled like it had gargled rocks.
“Grabag!” the beast (otherwise known as King Sombra, the dark king of the Crystal Ponies) shouted at him.
“Aw, isn’t that cute, you think you’re sentient!’
“Gragoo gra ga!” Sombra shouted, firing a blast of magic at the capricorn king.
“Are you trying to kill me?” Tydal said, as if he were talking to a baby. “Yes you were, yes you were!” Sombra raced at him but Tydal merely laughed and picked up the smaller being. “You are a funny looking doggy… hmmm, no collar… you have an owner? Do you boy?” Sombra grunted something and Tydal patted his head. “You want to be my pet, buddy? I always wanted to have a dog… well, I have a dogfish, but not a dog.”
“Gragoo!” Sombra yelled.
“Come on,” Tydal cooed. “We can go to the park and play and then commit bloodshed!”
“Gra?” Sombra questioned, interest piqued.
“That’s right… we’ll murder ponies and dance in their blood! It will be so much fun!”
“Grahga grup!” Sombra said happily, nodding his head and trotting along with Tydal as they continued north.
“I’m gonna call ya Wiggles!” Tydal told his new doggie.
"Princess Corona!" the guard shouted, hurrying through the dark and dank halls of the Canterlot Fortress. Lining the walls of that horrid place were all manner of innocent ponies, each of whom were in various stages of torture, which included but were not limited to the breaking of bones and wet willies (which are very evil). The screams of the damned echoed from shut doors and the guard, if he still had any sense of decency, would have shuddered at the sound.
"What is it, minion?" Princess Corona purred, using her magic to run a brush through her hair (of course, said mane was merely a long stream of flames, so the comb was made of asbestos and steel).
"I have received exciting news!" the guard proclaimed. "The Crystal Kingdom has returned!"
Corona nodded to herself before sending a blast of fire at the guard, reducing him to ashes. "Do not tell me what I should be excited about." She looked herself over in the mirror, vainly applying just a touch more eyeshadow to her dark, sultry eyes, before looking towards the shadows. "I know you are there, sister. Stop being such a sneak and appear."
Nightmare Moon oozed out of the darkness, her fanged mouth twisted in a pout. "You never let me have my fun," she complained.
"That is because I am the greatest and you are only second rate." Corona turned her back on her sister, careful to keep the mirror in front of her so she could keep an eye on the dark wraith. She wouldn't put it past Nightmare to try to assassinate her... again. "You have heard the news?"
"Indeed... what does this mean for our profits?"
Corona did the math in her head. Their criminal empire was built on bits and everything that occurred in Equestria was measured by how much it would cost or earn them. Those things that did little to affect the bottom line were allowed to survive, to give the wretched peasants something to cling to. But things like this, that could result in massive profits or a loss of millions... these things required the sisters' complete attention.
Not that they liked working together. The sisters had always fought, having been raised to always compete by their brother, Darkwater Abyss, the barbarian king of the capricorn horde. He had raised them to believe that life was a race to the top and winning was the only option. The lesson had been learned well when Stable, the spirit of harmony, had turned the horde to stone for 1,500 years after they had wiped out 99% of the griffins.
After that, things had gotten messy. Nightmare had fallen for Stable's power and decided to fight on the side of good, becoming Princess Luna (a truly stupid name, in Corona's opinion). It had taken a 1000 years on the moon and torture by Corona's top lieutenant, Nightfall Eclipse, and her five generals to get Luna to see the true power of evil and return to the winning side. Their first act had been to free Darkwater... though they had only done that because they could only unseal his vaults with him alive and well.
Everything had been going well though... Darkwater had gathered his horde and gone abroad to remind the other races that he was still a terror, while the sisters were left to watch over Equestria. Once he returned the three of them could stop pretending to like each other and begin to battle to whip each other out.
Then the Crystal Kingdom had returned...
"You know the old saying, sister," Nightmare prodded, "'Whatever happens in the Kingdom happens for all'."
Corona remembered well. The magic of the Crystal ponies meant that when they were under the yolk all thoughts of free will left the rest of Equestria. All the pesky rebellions would be stomped out and more money could go to Corona's wardrobe budget if they controlled the Kingdom.
"I suggest our slut of a niece and her gimp... they would be able to... whip... the Crystal Ponies into shape."
Nightmare grinned. "I love it."
"Of course... I thought of it," Corona stated, turning back to her mirror.
The God Squad Episode 37: Sombra Come Home!
~Back in the normal world...~
"So... this is the Crystal Empire," Shining Armor said, looking at all the dull ponies (both in personality and in coat). "Not as... glittery as I expected."
"They do seem a bit down."
"Eh, we are down," one of crystal ponies that had been assigned to walk them to the palace said. He was wearing the traditional Crystal Empire guards' uniform: a red jacket and a little brown mountie hat. "We're aboot as depressed as a curling champ at a flapjack house that's out of syrup, eh."
Shining leaned in close to Cadence. “I think he has brain damage.”
"Be nice," Cadence said gently, causing the little smile Shining had been wearing to fail. "Well, I promise that Shining Armor and I will dedicate every waking moment to helping you all."
"Uh... every waking moment?" Shining said as they passed a Tim Hortons.
"Of course, Shining... we have to help these noble ponies out of their sadness. Now then, I think-"
Shining cut her off. "Right right, of course... I just mean... well... when are we supposing to... you know."
"Know what?"
"You know... shove the hydra in the happy maker?"
Cadence gave him a gentle, chaste kiss on the cheek. "Shining, there will be plenty of time to express our love for one another in a mature, simple, conventional manner, but right now these ponies need us. The pleasure we share between ourselves will have to wait."
"... I so hate how you are on these meds."
"What was that?"
"Nothing!" Shining said quickly. He turned towards the Crystal Palace and let out a quiet sigh. “Nothing at all…”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Luna… what are you doing?”
The dark alicorn sighed, looking up from her work bench. “I am trying to teach a Furby how to beat the Turring test but all I can get it to do is speak in some strange Furby language.”
“Me encantan los culos grandes y yo no puedo mentir,” the Furby chirped.
"Damn Furby speech!"
Celestia pursed her lips together. “I thought we were going to work on our secret plan to bring out Twilight’s inner alicorn blood without letting her know that she is your daughter.”
Luna did not bother to look at her sister. “I don’t feel like it.”
“… what’s wrong?” Celestia said softly, moving to stand next to her little sister. “You only attempt to create sentient robots when you are depressed.”
The moon goddess blew a strand of hair out of her eyes (‘what is the use of long, magical manes if they can still get in your eyes?’). “I was rude to Tydal and I think I really upset him.”
Celestia draped a wing over her sister’s back. “Tydal is a big goat…fish… thing. He understands that you were just frustrated because…”
“I am going through my hormonal bleeding cycle?”
“I was going to make it a bit nicer but your way works.” Celestia gently used her magic to whisk the Furby away.
"!Ay caramba!" the Furby screamed.
“I… I just feel so bad. I know what he is going through… both of us were gone for many centuries and now the world has changed. We both struggled but I… I had you. You guided me. But with him… I just feel like we aren’t doing enough; especially when you consider that he raised us like his own children.”
Celestia shut her eyes. The sisters had never said the word to him, but both of them knew that Tydal wasn’t the closest thing they had to a father… he WAS their father. He had raised them, taught them, loved them and nearly died for them. The only thing keeping them from saying that one word was their fear of crossing some invisible line that would later change everything.
“Luna, you know Tydal loves us and you know it would take more than us snapping at him once and a while to drive him away.”
“But-“
“Little sister, trust me… I am sure that right now, Tydal is out having a bite to eat and will be back here at any moment…”
Tydal grinned happily, trotting through the park, King Sombra glaring at him, trying to chew through the leash the sea god had somehow managed to put on him. The capricorn went over an ice cream cart (manned by a trembling pony) and got himself and Sombra each a double scoop of chocolate, then went to sit on a bench.
Sombra stared at the ice cream, sticking out his tongue to take his first lick, only for his scoops to fall on the ground. He looked at his fallen ice cream, then at Tydal.
The capricorn grinned, glancing at his own cone… before using his magic to steal another cone from the vendor, the pony screaming bloody murderer at them as Tydal and Sombra happily ran away.
~MC~MC~MC~
Sombra’s eyes were nearly bugging out of his head as he sat in the small rowboat Tydal had grabbed. Other ponies were also having eye-bugging reactions… mainly because Tydal had summoned a raging river in the middle of the main street of their town, laughing in delight as he and Sombra’s boat rocketed past shops.
The dark king managed to get a hold of himself long enough to grab the bricks they had brought with them and throw them through the storefront windows. Tydal nodded in approval before turning the river towards the greenhouse district, cackling the entire way.
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal ran through the field of wild flowers, grinning as he spotted Sombra, who was running towards him as well. Tydal looked around, gazing at the beautiful flowers, before he leapt in the air and attacked the sleeping ursa major that was dozing in the meadow.
There was a splash of blood and pained screams… before a crimson-soaked Tydal and Sombra continued their trek through the meadow, forelegs wrapped around each other as the laughed.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hi there!" Twilight Sparkle called out, waving to them as she walked by with Rolly Polly, the baby dalek she had kidnapped.
Tydal and Sombra looked at each other.
"Psycho..." Tydal whispered.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Grogo gra ga!”
“What’s that Wiggles?” Tydal asked, walking over to where Sombra was standing. The capricorn tilted his head, looking at the old well in confusion. “What’s that… a little pony is in the well?”
“Help me, sir, my name is Gak and I am trapped in the well! King Sombra pushed me in here!”
Tydal frowned. “Well, when I find that King Sombra I will kick him in the balls.” The sea god turned to the dark unicorn. “How should we get him out?”
“Gra gra!” Sombra exclaimed, pulling out several sticks of dynamite.
“Are you sure? I have never read anything that said ponies could survive dynamite.”
“Goga goc!”
“True, I’ve never read anything that said they couldn’t… fire in the hole!”
"Wait, never mind, I think i can get out of here my-"
BOOM!
Tydal blinked as a skull landed at his hooves. “Little Gak was a talking skeleton… good thing we blew him up! Nice work, Wiggles!”
~MC~MC~MC~
“You know… I never thought there could be such a thing as a perfect day.”
Sombra, who was lying next to Tydal and licking the blood from his hooves, nodded. “Graba goo ga!”
“You said it, Wiggles!” Tydal said, watching as the clouds drifted by. "You know, Wiggles, I think you are my best friend in the entire world."
"Gro gara!"
"Thanks buddy, I have been working out." Tydal stroked his beard. "And to think, Shining Armor said I could never handle having a pet! Well, I guess I showed him."
"Glib goop."
"You're right!" Tydal said, pounding one hoof against the other. "I haven't shown him because he hasn't seen the proof that I am a good pet owner!" Tydal leapt up, striking a dramatic pose. "Wiggles... we are going to the Crystal Empire!"
"Ya sure you can manage watchin' these three, Mayor Mare?"
The Mayor waved off Applejack's concerns. "My dear, I funded my first campaign by babysitting fillies... I think I can manage these three angels." She turned towards the Cutie Mark Crusadaers; Applebloom and Scootaloo were sporting angelic smiles and halos... while Sweetie Belle had horns and a small pitchfork.
"Wrong look!" Scootaloo hissed.
"Oh... right!" Sweetie tossed away the devil gear and adopted a look of kindness and innocence.
"Right..." Applejack said, adjusting her hat.
"While I don't mind watching these three while you girls are in the Crystal Empire... where is Big Macintosh, Granny Smith and Scootaloo's parents?"
Applejack frowned. "It's weird... they all came down with the flu at the same time and had to be quarantined... left it all in a note on my table…"
~Meanwhile, at the Crystal Empire Casino...~
"Seven!" the attendant called out.
"EEYUP!" Mac cried in glee as he gathered up his winnings.
Quick Cut nodded, kissing his wife for luck. "Big money, big money!"
Granny shook the dice. "Can I get another whiskey over here?"
"Now then," Applejack said, making her way towards the door, "you'll be fine as long as you remember to never get'em wet and never ta feed'em after midnight."
"... isn't that how you avoid making gremlins?"
"Trust me, it works here too."
The God Squd Episode 38: Insert Generic 'Crystal Empire Is About Meth' Joke
"Sister, I am... concerned."
Celestia looked over at her sister, her brow furrowed. "What do you mean? What are you concerned about?"
Luna took several more steps into Celestia's chambers. "Big sister, I know you do so enjoy chess-"
"It is the game of the gods... well, actually skee ball is, but you get the idea."
"Quite. And I know how you enjoy playing chess with other ponies’ lives in the balance."
"Of course," Celestia said sweetly. "It adds just the right touch of danger and I so do enjoy plotting."
"It even says so on the title card for this fic," Wall Breaker commented as he walked past them.
Luna and Celestia waited until the strange guard was gone before continuing their conversation. "And while that is all well and good, I am a bit concerned that, with this latest scheme, you have taken things just a touch too far."
"Whatever do you mean?"
"Well, for starters, you have converted your bedroom into a giant chess set and are using living ponies as the pieces." Luna gestured towards the large board that dominated the room, Celestia flying just overhead so she could inspect it carefully from the proper angles. "Do you not think this a bit extreme?"
"Not at all... bishop to queen 5." One of the ponies leapt over to the spot and looked up at Celestia, waiting to see what her next move would be.
"Sister, there are so many problems with this... when ponies speak of 'playing chess with ponies’ lives', they don't mean assigning those ponies actually chess pieces." Luna jabbed her hoof at a pawn that wore a shirt with Twilight's face on it. "How is this helpful for getting my daughter to ascend?"
"Shhhh, I am concentrating."
"Second, think of these poor ponies! For Creator's sake, the white king's rook has MBA in business!"
The rook shrugged. "It's a living."
Celestia used her magic to zap the pony. "Rooks don't have mouths so you can't talk!"
"But-"
"No talk!" Celestia shouted.
Luna shook her head. "And they say YOU are the sane one?" When it was clear that Celestia would not see reason, Luna turned with a huff. "So, this is what was more important than helping me find Tydal?"
"Yes... Tydal will be fine, he just disappeared for a few days... I am sure he will turn up."
~MC~MC~MC~
"What do you think?" Tydal said, modeling his new white parka and winter boots for King Sombra. The capricorn king was decked out from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail in winter gear, as the last thing he wanted to do was go out into the frigid Crystal Mountains without the proper clothing. He wasn't foolish enough to attempt the trek without it... he had no desire to become a frozen fish stick.
"Gro gra!" Sombra said impatiently, stomping his hooves. He wanted to get going and reclaim his throne as fast as possible... then he would have the annoying capricorn that kept him on a leash put to death for daring to insult the great and mighty Sombra.
Tydal tilted his head, watching as the dark magic began to seep out of Sombra's pores. "Wiggles, I don't like the look of that purple stuff coming out of you... I think you should have a bath."
"Grato?" Sombra said in confusion just as Tydal summoned a bathtub to them. "GROM!"
"Sshhhh, stop barking and let me put the flea and tick shampoo in."
"Groh giet," Sombra grumbled, crossing his forelegs over his chest as Tydal began to massage the shampoo into his mane.
~MC~MC~MC~
"And then we will set up the funnel cake stand over there," Applejack said, pointing out a spot to Shining Armor. The unicorn tried to pay attention, but his mind was elsewhere (and it didn't help that he had FREAKING BLACK CRYSTALS SHOVED THROUGH HIS HORN!).
"And you are gonna have the crystal bacon, eh?" one of the ponies the girls had selected to help them asked.
Applejack made a face. "Bacon? Isn't that made from-"
"Crystal bacon is just tofu," Shining said wearily.
"Then why-"
"I don't know why they call it bacon, they just do."
"Eh, you don't know da story of how crystal bacon got its name? Well, let me tell ya... it was aboot 20 years ago for us that that the Prime Minister, eh..."
Shining and Applejack tuned the pony out. "So... how is married life treatin' ya?" Applejack asked.
The captain tried to muster a smile. "It's... the best..." Even to him that felt forced. "So... you run a farm, right?"
"Yup! Sweet Apple Acres! Best apples-"
"You ever do it with one of your cows?"
"WHAT?!?!"
Shining blinked, realizing what he had said. "Oh Celestia, I am so sorry! That came out horrible and I should have never said it! I am so sorry!"
Applejack just stared at him in annoyance. "Fella, you have a funny way of makin' small talk."
"I am truly sorry."
Applejack finally nodded. "Don't ya worry none about it... we'll forget it ever happened."
"Good," Shining said. "So... are you enjoying your salad?"
"We... we aren't eating anything."
"Right... so you ever do it with one of your cows?"
"You no good-!"
Applejack never finished because, to her utter shock and horror, Shining Armor began to cry.
"I am so sorry... I'm not sleeping well and I am so depressed and I haven't had sex in days since Cadence went back on her meds and I am just so miserable here in this stupid country with these stupid, brain dead ponies..." he glanced over at the crystal pony that was following them, "some offense."
"Don't ya mean 'no offense', eh?"
"No, not really."
Applejack weakly patted the stallion on the shoulder. "Uh... there there... please stop sobbing like a bitch."
"I can't help it... when Cadence and I finally got married... you know the real wedding, not the one to the creepy bug pony that is really Celestia and Luna's sister-"
"Say what now?"
"-I was so happy. But these last few days everything has just felt so... wrong. Cadence and I aren't connecting and I look around this place with its stupid, stupid ponies... again, some offense..."
"It's ok, eh" the crystal pony said pleasantly.
"...and I just can't help but wonder if I made a huge mistake being with Cadence. The alicorn I thought I was marrying is not the pony I wake up next to each morning... it feels like we are growing apart and... and..."
Applejack cringed as Shining grasped her legs and began to leak 'liquid shame' (as it sure as hell wasn't liquid pride). "Uh... if I tell ya I did it with one of my cows, will ya stop blubberin' on me?"
~Several Hours Later, outside the Crystal City~
"No Wiggles, slow down!" Tydal shouted, trying to keep up with the unicorn he thought was a dog. Not for the first time Tydal cursed the fact that the tradeoff for being amphibious and agile was that he was slower than most colts, let alone a full grown stallion… or a big black doggie with a red horn. "Wiggles! Bad doggie!"
Sombra paid no heed to Tydal's calls. His moment had come and he would have his revenge on the populace that had dared to hold him captive. He looked upon the capital of the Crystal Empire and laughed in glee as he rushed towards it.
Shining watched as King Sombra invaded the city, dread filling him. It would not be long now before the dark unicorn was upon them and the former captain wondered what exactly he could do to stop all this.
"Throw your wife off the balcony!"
Shining turned, staring at the small muffin with goggley eyes and little bat wings that had suddenly appeared beside him.
"It finally happened, didn't it? I lost my mind."
"No no!" the muffin squeaked. It was actually a cute little thing, if one ignored the fact that it was clearly evil. "I am just a manifestation of all your negative emotions."
"... pull the other one."
The muffin... well, it would have frowned if it had a mouth. "What, you expected something else?"
"Yeah... not a muffin!"
"Would you prefer it if I was some kind of dark alicorn with mirror wings?"
"... that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of."
The muffin's wings flapped as it hovered around the captain. "Come on... just throw your wife off the side of this castle. It ‘ll be fun."
"Let's ignore the fact that my wife has wings... why would I do that?"
"Because you are realizing you are no longer in love with her and marrying Cadence was a mistake!" The muffin giggled as it bounced on Shining's nose. "Throw her off! Throw her off!"
"It will not!" Shining snapped. "Yes, Cadence and my marriage has... hit a rough patch, but that doesn't mean-"
"Shining, look at these!" Cadence said wearily, a box of gray granny panties over beside her. "I know I have been tired and not in the mood for some time, so to make it up to you I bought these! I got them 3 for 1 at the store!" Shining frowned before grabbing Cadence and holding her over his head. "Oh, is this how you are going to defeat King Sombra?"
"Let's go with that," Shining said, preparing to throw.
"Shining... what is with the evil looking muffin?"
~MC~MC~MC~
This was it... King Sombra could feel it in his bones. The Crystal Heart was his. This was the moment where he would take his revenge on the crystal ponies and bring about darkness and suffering throughout the lands-
"Wiggles!"
The dark king growled. The capricorn had been fun to hang around but he had served his purpose and now it was-
"Wiggles, get back here!" Tydal shouted, his parka's hood sinched up so tight he could barely see. "Wiggles, no more walkies!"
"Graba grag gr-grack! Grack!" Sombra began to cough, a large wad of black magic shooting out of his mouth. "By all that is evil, I...never... I can speak! I CAN SPEAK! After so long, I can finally-"
"Throw her off!" the evil muffin screamed. Sombra turned just in time to see the love missile headed right towards him.
"Aw... fu-"
BOOM!
Tydal looked up in horror. "Wiggles?" He took a step closer, only to leap back when King Sombra's horn landed at his hooves. He didn’t even notice that he too had turned into crystal (and, for some odd reason, he now had cornrows). "No... no, he can't..." Tydal took a cautious step closer. "Wait, wait... maybe there is still hope! Everyone always craps themselves right as they-"
"FRRRRRUPPPPPPPPPPPT!"
Tears slipped down Tydal's checks as the horn crapped itself before dissolving. "No... Wiggles... Wiggles... WIGGLES!"
"Lord Tydal?" Rainbow Dash called out, hurrying over to him. "What's wrong?" She sniffed. “And what smells like-“
"Something killed my dog!" Tydal sobbed.
Rainbow grit her teeth. "It must have been that King Sombra... man, is he evil."
"Sombra... Sombra killed Wiggles?" Tydal shook his hoof towards the heavens. "DAMN YOU KING SOMBRA!"
"Rare, when I told ya I'd help ya get them bolts of fabric you wanted from Canterlot, I thought you would, ya know, help!"
Rarity glanced back at Applejack, who was straining under the weight of the fabric that was piled up on her back. The farmer's brow was beaded with sweat and her legs were wobbling like jelly as she tried her hardest to take another step.
"Nonsense, darling... I can't risk injuring my hooves carting around such heavy burdens<” the white unicorn said, twirling her parasol as she cantered down the street.
"Rarity, I swear to the big flaming apple in the sky-"
"Once again, that is the sun, Applejack."
"-that if you do not help me I will buck you so hard Sweetie Belle will be an orphan."
"Why would she be an orphan?"
"Because I killed ya."
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Do... do you think I am Sweetie Belle's mother?!?"
"... ya ain't?" Applejack asked as they turned a corner.
"I will have you know that I am as pure as fresh fallen snow."
"Right," a pony called out, flipping the feather bow she wore around her neck. "Honey, if you're pure than I am a mare."
"You are a mare," Applejack stated.
"You'd think so, wouldn't ya?" the 'mare' said, her voice dropping several octaves. “Honey, I have more ‘apples’ than you do.”
Rarity's eyes widened. "My word... what are... oh, by Celestia, I think we accidently stumbled into Canterlot's Gay District!"
"Ssssstumbled?" another pony called out, this one wearing fishnet stockings and a holey tank top. "Baby, from the lookssss of you tto, ya boths ssssstomped in here wearing your ssssteel toed bootsssss!"
"I ain't wearing boots," Applejack commented. “And it sounds like some steam is a’escapin’…”
"He is saying we are together... sexually," Rarity commented.
Applejack frowned. "Dagnabit, I thought we got Mrs. Cake to stop spreading those rumors about us!"
"Apparently not," Rarity said with a sniff. "Come now, let us-FLUTTERSHY!?!"
The meek butter cream pegasus let out an 'eep' when she realized she had been spotted. She looked ready to bolt back into the restaurant she had just exited, but one look at the girls told her that such a plan would fail. "Uh... hello girls."
"What... what are you doing here?" Rarity stammered.
Fluttershy scuffed her hoof against the ground. "Well, I'm kinda... you see..."
The cross-dressing pony threw a foreleg around her. "Flutters here is the fetish queen of the Canterlot Gay District!"
"...can ya repeat that, I think I had some crazy in my ear."
"Sssshe issss the kinkesssst mare in all of Canterlot, now that Princess Cadensssss is back on her medssss," the fishnet wearing stallion added. "Hail the Queen of Sssssssleeze!"
"Hail hail!" several gay ponies called out.
Rarity frowned. "Fluttershy, why didn't you ever-"
"Fluttershy, look at these cute mugs I got from the gift shop..." Twilight blinked as she emerged from the restaurant. "Oh... hi girls!"
"Uh... hi Twi," Applejack said weakly. "What are ya doin' in Canterlot's Gay District... with Fluttershy?"
"Having fun!" Twilight said with a grin. "That's why they call it the Gay District, right? Because it is the most fun? Everypony here is so happy and gay!"'
Fluttershy nodded quickly. "Oh yes, now we really must be going."
"Do you girls want to join us? Fluttershy is taking me to club where all the stallions dress like Princess Celestia! It sounds so funny! Then we are going to go to her place and… what did you call it?"
“Um… scissor.”
Twilight nodded. “I’ve always wanted to try scrapbooking!”
Rarity and Applejack quickly shook their heads. "No no... you two, er, have fun..." They watched as Fluttershy and Twilight trotted away. "We never speak of this again?"
"Just like that incident with the thong."
The God Squad Episode 39: Between a Rock and a Hard Place
"Oh... it's you."
Luna smiled weakly, shifting from hoof to hoof. She had been praying since sighting Tydal's Keep that any capricorn OTHER than Princess Misty would be on watch. She could handle Coral or any of Tydal's elite guard... she could have even handled those two humans-turned-ponies that Tydal had promoted to join his guard, even though she knew he would never assign them guard duty.
But Misty? Misty was the worse. Not because of anything she had done, of course. Luna normally got along just fine with Misty, seeing the stern daughter of Tydal and Merida as just another big sister. The lunar goddess had come to Tydal's Keep as a foal and Misty (and her giggly twin Coral) had reached what was basically adulthood for the immortals; while Coral was basically a filly at heart, Misty was another authority figure that would give little Luna a flick on the flank when she was naughty then rock her and coo when the little dark alicorn began to cry.
No, what made Misty the worse was how one felt when they were around her. Misty and Coral were the goddesses of ocean life and their personalities reflected this. Coral held domain over the dolphins and the clown fish and all the cute, squishy things. Misty's menagerie was filled with sharks and giant squids and beasts that dwelled in the depths. She was stern and dangerous... especially when somepony had dared to hurt her father.
Like Luna had accidently done.
"Hello Misty," Luna said, managing a smile.
"The only reason I will let you pass through this door is because father would have my tail if I didn't." That wasn't entirely true... Tydal might yell or scream but he would never physically hurt one of his little ones; the concept of corporal punishment was simply too foreign to him.
"I am going to try and set things right," Luna said gently.
"We shall see," Misty has darkly, her golden armor gleaming in the sunlight as she shifted to allow Luna to pass.
The alicorn of the night knew the Keep well and was able to find her way to Tydal's throneroom easy enough. She slipped into line behind several other capricorns, waiting her turn as Tydal, quite wearily, handled the matters concerning his kingdom.
"Next!" Tydal called out, chin resting on one of his hooves as he reclined on the bland looking stone throne his subjects had gifted him. They had demanded he have a throne and after several years of complaining Tydal had agreed, though he had picked something plain and durable… much like himself. He wore his battle helm/crown as well as his breastplate (featuring his sigil, a jeweled tidal wave; yet another demand the capricorns had forced on him) and looked so utterly miserable Luna felt her heart break a little. He must have really been in the dumps if he couldn't think of an excuse to get out of court.
Two ponies that were clearly husband and wife stepped forward. "My lord, we live upon the shores of your sea and beg you for aid. Normally we would go to Princess Celestia but since our lives are tied to your sea, we felt it best to see you." Tydal made a 'yes, yes, get on with it' motion with his hoof. "You see, your Grace, my wife and I... we have 5 fillies and 4 colts... I make my living diving for pearls but I have been unable to find enough. The missus and I want to have a few more foals but what I make is not enough to support us. I beg for your aid."
"The problem is you keep having children you can’t afford to you," Tydal said simply. "That creates a burden on society. A little snip snip and problem solved."
"You can't do this!" the pearl-diver's wife screamed.
"Oh, and do whatever is the snip snip equivalent to mares to her." Tydal rolled his eyes in disgust before locking his gaze onto Luna. "Not a word... I am actually doing your kingdom a favor... they are clearly stupid and now there will be less of their genetics to be passed along to future generations." He tapped his chin. "Hmmmm... I wonder if I could castrate colts and fillies..."
"Let's not and say you did," Luna replied with a smirk, ignoring the panicked cries of the ponies. She had grown up with Tydal and was use to his brand of justice. He did not tolerate stupidity nor handouts... those two ponies should have known better than to come asking for a hoof-out from a capricorn. "I haven't seen you in a couple months."
"I have been running my kingdom, same as you. Now that Celestia's 'good will' tour is over with I can get back to business. The Mareatine has been without my guidance for 1,500 years and there are a lot of things I wish to correct." Tydal nodded to Misty, who, with a sigh, took over for her father so he could walk and talk with Luna. None in line would dare complain, knowing that Coral and Misty were Tydal’s heirs and thus their word held as much weight as his. "Besides, I have been in mourning."
"I am sorry about your dog," Luna said as Tydal leapt off his throne like it was made of fire.
"Better to have loved and lost. Misty and Coral got me a new pet." He clicked his hoof and a golden lobster happily scampered over. It was easily half the size of a full crown pony and wagged its tail in delight as Tydal reached down to pet it. "Luna, met Mr. Snippy."
"Why do you call him-"
SNIP!
Luna looked over at where her tail used to be, then down at Mr. Snippy who was happily waving the ethereal tail about. "Nevermind." She plugged her nose and tried to blow out, forcing her tail to regrow. "I hate doing that."
"And I hate shedding scales but we do what we must." Tydal made his way out of the throne room. "Let us talk someplace more private."
"OH CELESTIA, IT SNIPPED MY GENITALS OFF!"
"Good job, Mr. Snippy!" Tydal called out. "By the Creator, I love that lobster."
Luna nodded as they trotted down towards Tydal's meditation room. Located at the base of his Keep, the room was a place of absolute silence and peace. It was one of the few places capricorns felt no rage and where they could go to relax. It was also the true resting place Discord's statue; Celestia had agreed that it was unwise to keep the statue in a garden where fieldtrips were held and thus asked Tydal upon his reawakening from his own stone sleep to safeguard it.
"I am so sorry about what I said," Luna said softly.
"It is fine, my dear," Tydal said gently, though she could tell he wasn't really feeling his acceptance.
"No, it isn't... I was in a bad mood but I never should have snapped at you."
"Luna, it is fine." Tydal began to descend down to the lower levels, Luna's hooves clicking on the stone steps. "What took you so long?"
Luna sighed. "Celestia. She kept telling me everything was fine and to give you some space, but then out of the blue she told me to go see you today."
"That's weird."
The moon goddess nodded. "Yeah... she said the two of us should go walk along the shore... was real insistent about that."
"I wonder-"
"No, no, no, it needs to be more to the left."
Tydal raised an eyebrow, wondering why anyone was talking in his meditation chamber... especially since speaking was forbidden. Hurrying through the door, Luna and he stopped short when they saw Celestia and her guards attempting to take Discord's statue and replace it with a duplicate.
"Uh... hello?" Celestia said weakly.
~MC~MC~MC~
"YOU DARE!?!"
The throne room had been emptied of all save a few capricorns: Misty and Coral, serving as Tydal's guard, the door wardens Surf and Spray, and Merida. Tydal stood near his throne, his horns crackling with nearly uncontrollable fury, his eyes shining like black diamonds. In his armor and battle helm he looked like a conqueror from a long lost time and even Merida, who was use to seeing him prepare for battle, was taken aback by the sight of him. Celestia, through sheer force of will, kept her head up high and her body rigid as her big brother raved. Luna stood off to the side, wishing she could have left with Tydal's subjects.
"I understand you are upset, but when you hear-"
"Upset?" Merida said icily. It was easy to forget that the queen was just as much of a warrior as her husband. "You want to free the monster that stole my husband from me?"
"I feel Discord can be redeemed."
Misty snorted but wisely did not say a word. Even Coral was managing to bite back the retorts that danced on the tip of her tongue; both girls knew that now was not the time to draw their father's attention towards them.
"You want to redeem the mad god that tried to kill us all?" Tydal's tail thrashed in agitation. "I want a snowball to survive the heat of a volcano so I plan to put a little hat on it... which of our pipe dreams do you think might come true first?"
Celestia narrowed her eyes, growing frustrated. "Discord WILL be redeemed. Twilight Sparkle and her friends-"
"The same ponies that were corrupted by Discord, correct?" Merida questioned.
"...they will not be affected again; we have prepared."
"Oh, of course," Tydal said glibly. "Discord is merely the god of chaos... he will choose to perform the same tricks again, of course!"
"Discord is needed! I have uses for him!"
"I have uses for him too!" Tydal shot back. "He makes a lovely paper weight! Now all my important scrolls will flutter away."
"Do not address me as if I were some foal," Celestia snapped.
"I will when you are acting like a foal!" Tydal snapped his teeth, barely managing to control himself. “I take that back… a foal would be smarter than this!”
"Discord is the property of Equestria," Celestia stated. "I allowed you to guard him but never to keep him as your own. Your services are no longer required and I will be taking him back now... to serve whatever purpose I wish for him."
"And I have no say in the matter?"
"Not really, no," Celestia said, her anger that Tydal was continually questioning her judgment causing her to speak that which her heart begged her not too. She had gone thousands of years without being pressed and she now bristled at the way Tydal treated her like a filly. "You are not the lord of Equestria."
"You would not have Equestria if it were not for me," Tydal reminded her. "Have you forgotten so quickly that I sheltered you, protected you, fed your and provided a roof over your head?"
"I have not," Celestia snapped. "But that does not mean you get to decide what I can and cannot do! You have been gone for 1,500 years, Tydal, and in that time I have ruled quite well on my own. I am grateful for all you have done but you are not my father and my time under your roof has ended."
Silence reigned through the throne room. Luna’s stomach dropped and it took all of her control to keep from making a puddle on the floor. She stared at her sister, wondering what madness had caused her to be so utterly cruel.
"Very well," Tydal said, though his pause told more than his words did. "Take him and go."
"Thank you, Tydal," Celestia said graciously, turning and trotting away.
"Lord," Tydal stated.
Celestia looked over her shoulder at him. "Pardon?"
"You will address me properly, Princess Celestia," Tydal said sternly. “As one ruler to another, you will show me respect and address me with full honors.”
Luna took a step forward. "Please, don't-"
"Think very carefully about your next statement, Princess Luna," Tydal told her coldly. “You have already played me for a fool once today.”
Realizing that it would do no good to talk to him when he was in such a mood, Luna merely bowed her head and mumbled a quick goodbye before hurrying to catch up with a clearly flustered Celestia.
"He will calm down soon enough," Celestia finally said once their hooves had touched the sands. "He was always stubborn... but Discord will be-"
Luna whipped around, her eyes shifting to dragon slits for the briefest of moments. "You used me."
"Sister?" Celestia said in surprise.
"You used my guilt about how I talked to Tydal. You made me into a distraction and now our brother hates us!"
"He is upset... old wounds and all that. I am sure-"
There was a great rumble behind them and the sisters turned in time to watch as Tydal’s Keep sunk beneath the waves.
"Do you know the problem with playing chess, sister?"
Celestia blinked, trying to figure out what Luna was getting act. "I don't-"
"You need pieces to do so... but when you play chess with ponies, they remember when they were sacrificed for a grand plan." Luna spread her wings, a look of disgust gracing her features. "It is hard to play chess when the pieces hate you. Enjoy your time with Discord… he just cost us both our brother… again."
And with that, Luna took to the sky, leaving the sun goddess behind.
Detective Kate Beckett tapped her pencil against her desk. To her right her partner, crime author Richard Castle, was playing with a GI Joe figure he’d found in the Lost and Found box. Their latest case had been wrapped up two days ago when, in a rare twist, the fingerprints on the gun matched their suspect and he confessed. No wild goose chases, no long hours spent examining clues that didn't make sense, no family members who would appear sad at the beginning of the case then turn out to be the killer... nothing.
In other words, utter boredom.
"Remember when we were the focus of defender2222's fics," Castle said.
"Huh?" Kate said.
"You know... when we turned into ponies... back then Tydal was just a supporting character and not the author's favorite go to."
"I think Faith is his favorite... wait, what are you talking about? Who is defender2222?"
"The writer of this fic... I'm breaking the fourth wall, Pinkie Pie style."
"Castle, you might not want to do that... I think the fourth wall is barely holding together as is."
"Come on, it can survi-"
CRACK!
Kate looked at the computer on her desk, those screen had shattered."Nice going, Castle!"
The writer grimaced. "Hey, this would have never happened if people had read our story and ignored that Scootaloo fic!"
The God Squad Episode 40: The Breaking of the Squad
"Hello there, gentleponies and mares! Joke Rivers here, dishing the dirt, insulting the stars, and greeting all the stars and sluts as they turn out to this major event: The Coronation of Princess Twilight Sparkle." The pale white unicorn with a face so tight it looked like a ghost mask glanced towards her camera man and smiled (or maybe she was trying to lick her lips but all the surgery she had gone through had killed her ability to do so). "The biggest news is of course the no-show of Lord Tydal and the Capricorn Nation. Rumors have been swirling that the sea god has broken all peace treaties with Equestria and is now looking to become a trading partner with- Oh, it is Fany Pants! Fancy, Fancy!"
The suave pony trotted over to Joke Rivers and smiled politely. "Hello my dear."
"Hello yourself. Tell us, who are you wearing?"
"Oh, this is from the Rarity line... a rather exclusive piece, I might add."
"And it shows!" Joke Rivers waved her hoof. "Oh, Princess Luna, Princess Luna, can I have a word?"
"DEMON PONY!" Luna screamed in fear, grabbing the TV camera and bludgeoning Joke into a bloody mess. "Don't worry, loyal subjects, I have beaten it.”
"Princess, that was just a reporter," Logic Point said. “You can’t just violently beat ponies up, it is horrible and wrong!”
"...I miss Tydal," Luna whimpered.
~MC~MC~MC~
Shining Armor was a silent as a tomb as the carriage rumbled towards Canterlot Castle. Cadence shifted uneasily next to him, playing with her bejeweled shoes. All around them ponies were cheering the coming of Princess Twilight (well, except for the communist ponies, but who cares about them?) but inside the carriage there was no joy or mirth.
"You... you look very nice, Shining."
"Thank you," the unicorn said quietly. "You as well."
"Thank you... my new maid is quite wonderful. She tends to smell like waffles, but that is ok because I like waffles." Shining nodded, feeling no need to add anything. "Did your mother help-"
"Yes," Shining said, cutting her off.
"Oh... how is Velvet?"
"Fine."
"Good."
The two of them lapsed into silence, only the cheers of the crowd outside filling the silence that hung between them like a bloody knife waiting to fall.
"You... you could have stayed at the palace," Cadence finally said. All of this felt so awkward and horrible and even through the fog her medication put her in she could sense that things were spiraling out of control. "It is big enough-"
"You know I couldn't do that." Shining rubbed his forehead. "This isn't easy for me either... but the sooner this is done the sooner we can announce it and move on with our lives."
"Yes... announce our divorce," Cadence said, her eyes going fuzzy and hollow.
"Yes."
"What... what happened to us Shining?" Cadence asked. "How could this have happened? I love-"
"Don't," Shining said gently. "Please... don't." He sighed. "I will always love you, Cadence, but I am not happy." He shook his head, eyes shut. "I wish I could say that we could be together but... but I look at you and I don't see the Cadence I love." He looked up at the roof of the carriage and sighed. "It's funny... all those weeks worried about you and your PTSD and your using sex as a weapon... and it turns out that I loved that aspect of you more than... this."
"This is the real me, Shining," Cadence said gently. Her brain felt so muddled, like it was full of cotton candy; she had taken a triple dose for the event, knowing that the craziness of the coronation would only aggravate her condition. Now she wished she had just flushed the pills away.
"No it isn't. This is just a product of drugs. The real Cadence is free and fun... even before our wedding you were so willing to just live life. But now you are just so mellow and subdued... I look at you and it is like the Cadence I knew and loved is dead. All that is left is this strange shell that stares blankly at times and will randomly do that Ladybug song."
"Shining, I-"
The unicorn shook his head. "No... we can appear together here to keep up appearances, but this is the end." The carriage stopped and Shining sighed. "Forget about me Cadence. Find someone that can love this... side of you. I wish you all the best and all the happiness you deserve."
“You tell her, Shining Armor!” the evil muffin said, its wrapper now designed to look like Cadence’s dress. It floated around the unicorns head and giggled. “Come on, let’s get jiggy with it!”
And with that he stepped out, forcing a smile on his face.
Cadence took out more of her medicine. “Everypony’s going to say that muffin wore the dress best…”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Things have gone quite well," Celestia said, taking a sip of champagne.
"Yes," Luna said simply, watching as Twilight giggled with her friends. “I could do without wearing this getup, though… I feel like the centerpiece at a wedding.”
“Oh, don’t be so-“
“Excuse me, Princess?” Granny Smith said, heading over to her. “Ya mind if I take home that dark blue centerpiece after the party?”
“I… am not… a centerpiece,” Luna ground out.
“Lordy lord it talks!” Granny screamed. “Evil centerpiece, evil centerpiece! Big Macintosh, git the holy water!”
Luna watched her run away and rolled her eyes. “See?”
Celestia glanced down at her sister and smiled slightly. "Little sister, do try and be happy. This is a wonderful event."
"Is it?" Luna said softly, resisting the urge to scream. She wanted to shout and holler and stomp her hooves but she didn't want to ruin the great time Twilight was having.
"Of course... Twilight has achieved her destiny."
"Yes... and what a destiny," Luna said dryly, magically grabbing another bottle of wine and deciding to forgo the glass and just drink it straight. “What a destiny indeed.”
"You are upset," Celestia stated. Luna gave her the driest of looks and Celestia cringed, realizing just how stupid that sounded.
"No no... I agree that Twilight has quite a destiny. Let us ignore the fact that to reach it she was lied to, forced to face terrors without the proper aid, and made to feel so inadequate that it is a wonder she is not curled up in a corner. Pressure builds pearls, right? The ends justify the means."
"Correct," Celestia said softly, agreeing even as she sensed that things were not going to take a turn to her liking.
"But she survived and now she has her destiny... a destiny where she will have two choices. She could end up like you, a princess who uses ponies for her own twisted games. An utterly noble destiny, if one is to believe the songs and poems that are written about you and your glorious reign."
"I-"
"Let... me... finish," Luna ground out. "Oh yes, Twilight will play such wonderful tricks on her friends and her future students. She will lie to their faces and hold their dreams in her hoof then stomp them flat. She will choose the course of their lives and never let them have a say. Never mind if they don’t want to do the things she desires… she will just guilt them into doing it. She learned from you, didn’t she?” Luna took another long swig of wine. “She will teach them that destiny should be fought and you should follow your heart... then demand that those under her do what SHE wants, no matter what THEIR hearts say! Fight destiny… until a princess tells you not to fight it."
"Luna-"
"It won't matter who she hurts. So what if she drives two ponies far from their home and sends them to some faraway empire? Yes, their marriage might crumble but at least the Crystal Heart was protected!” Luna glanced at Shining Armor, who was putting on a brave face as he talked to Twilight. Cadence, when no one noticed, was popping more pills. “Or maybe she will choose to focus on the mission rather than the feelings of the capricorn she sees as her fa....fa..." Luna blinked away tears, knocking Celestia's hoof aside when she tried to comfort her. "Don't touch me. Don’t you dare touch me."
"Luna, you must see-"
"Yes, I do see. I see all too well Twilight's destiny. Of course, there is another choice... the one you gave me." Luna turned her eyes towards Celestia and for a moment they were like dragon-slits. “To have power and still be treated like a child, to be coddled and babied. What a wonderful destiny that is.” Luna threw the wine bottle away, smirking as it shattered. “I’m moving out.”
“What?” Celestia said in shock, her knees going weak.
“I am moving out.” Luna sighed, forcing herself to smile, even if it was the slightest of smiles. "After all, I am a big pony and can not be forever living under your shadow, big sister. As you were so kind to remind Tydal-" Celestia grimaced, "-we are all grown up now."
"Of... of course... but..."
Luna let out a long, heavy sigh. "Goodbye, Celestia."
"Good... goodbye, Luna," Celestia whispered, watching as her little sister disappeared into the crowd. She trotted over to Cadence, who was blankly watching Shining and Twilight talk. "My dear... sometimes I wonder if all of this is worth the pain.... Cadence, why aren't you breathing?"
Cadence toppled over, foam pouring out of her mouth.
"She's over dosed!" Twilight cried in a panic.
“Maybe it is just foamy pride!” Shining called out.
“That doesn’t exist!” Twilight snapped.
“She’s right, Shining,” the evil muffin said
“Shut up, evil muffin!”
"Quick, let's leave her in front of a nightclub!" Vinyl Scratch (who was not DJing the event but instead had come for the free food) called out. When every stared at her she merely shrugged. "Well, that is what they did for River Phoenix and he turned out ok... right?"
~MC~MC~MC~
I've heard there was a secret chord That David played, and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do you? It goes like this The fourth, the fifth The minor fall, the major lift The baffled king composing Hallelujah
In his Keep, Tydal looked at a series of enchanted paintings he had gotten done of him and the alicorn sisters when they were just fillies. He stared at them, his hoof gently running along the frame, his eyes locked on his sisters' giggling faces, before he broke down, crying so hard that the seas churned and the sky went dark. Rain pelted the coast and Merida hurried in, hugging her husband as he sobbed. Even Mr. Snippy scuttled over and laid down at his master's hooves (and held up the genitals he had snipped off some pony a few hours ago... Tydal would enjoy playing with them more than he would).
And still he cried.
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
~MC~MC~MC~
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you She tied you To a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Shining sighed as he laid on his childhood bed. He'd moved back into his parents' house and he honestly didn't know what he was going to do with his life. He had no wife, no job (he'd quit the guard when he moved to the Crystal Empire) and he was filled with so much anger it had consolidated into a small flying muffin.
There was only one thing left to do... embrace being a loser.
Shining Armor trotted over to his shelf and grabbed some Batstallion comic books... it was time to read them, become mad, and bitch about them to anyone that would listen.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
~MC~MC~MC~
Maybe I have been here before I know this room, I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch Love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Luna sighed as she signed her renter's agreement. It wasn't quite the castle, but she was truly on her own... no Celestia looking over her shoulder... no Celestia complaining when she didn't behave like a proper princess... no Celestia to talk to when she got lonely... no Celestia to play cards with (they had a weekly poker night)... no Celestia...
Luna lowered her head, trotting into her little apartment and shutting the door.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
~MC~MC~MC~
There was a time You let me know What's real and going on below But now you never show it to me, do you? And remember when I moved in you? The holy dark was moving to And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Cadence laid in the hospital bed, her body in a full cast. She hadn't needed one, but the doctors had found out that she had a GREAT HMO and decided to take her to the cleaners.
She stared at the ceiling... the ticking of a clock her only company.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
~MC~MC~MC~
Maybe there's a god above And all I ever learned from love Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you And it's not a cry you can hear at night, It's not somebody who's seen the light It's cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Celestia listened as another pony outlined their petition to the crown. She said... something, she wasn't for sure what... and then nodded towards her guards, who informed her subjects that it was time for the princess to take her nap (naps being VERY important to Equestrian royalty). She looked at the new stain glass window she had commissioned, which depicted her, Luna, Shining Armor, Cadence and Tydal walking towards the Changeling hive, and let out a depressed sigh.
"I don't know why you are so glum!" Discord said, popping up next to her. "defender2222 already said he is doing a season 2... this is obviously the Mood Whiplash chapter that leaves everything as a cliffhanger so the readers will go read the new fic in hopes of learning how you and the rest of the squad get back together!"
Celestia frowned. "Discord, I have no idea what you are talking about. What poster, what cliffhanger..."
Discord grinned. "This one!"
~MC~MC~MC~
Dr. Whooves, Dinky, and Mary the red maned, black coated alicorn stood on the bridge of the Tardis, their jaws hanging low as they stared at the command screen. There was Derpy... only half of her body had been replaced with machinery.
"I am Derputus of the Borg..." Derpy intoned. "All your muffins will be assimilated."
![http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/1911.jpg[/img]](http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/1911.jpg[/img]){kind=link}