Monty Python's Flying Circus
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Mug Shot hissed, watching as Jail Bird dragged his hoof along the floorboards of their seedy little apartment, scratching the proper runes into the wood. "I mean, what if we get caught?"
"We ain't gonna get caught," Jail Bird said in annoyance. He grabbed the glowing enchanted orb in his mouth and, carefully avoiding the symbols he had carved, set the magical device in the center of the room before darting away. "We are dealing with a rich family, remember? They are going to want their precious son back and will pay anything to get him. This is probably a common occurance for them!"
"But we don't have their son," Mug Shot nervously reminded his friend.
"I know that but they don't! That is the beauty of this! I am going to word it so even if we do get caught by the royal guard it is clear we didn't even lie and say we kidnapped him... we just let them assume that. There is no law against that so it is the parents’ fault for believing us!"
Mug Shot rocked back and forth, eyeing the runes nervously. "I still don't like this... the Princesses-"
"Are gone. All of them. Their fault for not telling anypony what was going on. Now shut up!" Jail Bird grinned, tapping the floor with his hoof. No pony would expect a pegasus to be using magic, which is why he had stolen the communication orb in the first place. Just another layer of deception to make sure that no one clued in on who was pulling the strings and what was really going on. He yanked on the ski mask he had bought and, once he was sure Mug had done the same, gave the final tap.
The orb flashed and slowly the image of two ponies appeared. One was a white unicorn with a perfectly styled mane. The other, the stallion, was a blue stallion with a dark blue mane… nothing impressive in the slightest. The stallion looked up in surprise and Jail Bird smiled. The mare was stammering something but Jail Bird just ignored her.
"Good evening Mr. Night Light, Mrs. Twilight Velvet," Jail Bird said, dropping his voice a few octaves. "Your son Shining Armor has gone missing, hasn't he? Well... there might be a way that we can… help you help yourself..."
Night Light licked his lips and Jail Bird grinned even bigger behind his mask. Here came the money…
"I don't know who you are. I don’t know what you want," Night Light said coldly, shocking to two criminals with the sheer power in his voice. "If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills... skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for ponies like you." Mug Shot gulped in fear. "If you let my son go now that will be the end of it; I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you.”
The image faded as the orb's magic ran out.
"...I peed myself," Mug Shot whimpered.
"Me too, buddy, me too," Jail Bird whispered.
The God Squad
Episode 29: Monty Python's Flying Circus
"Pardon me," yet another griffin said as he walked past the gods (and Shining). "Dreadfully sorry, don't mind me." Tydal merely glared; normally he wouldn’t mind an apology… but considering the griffin was across the street and no where near them….
"Every pony is so polite and well mannered," Celestia said with a smile. "Such a show of restraint and class."
Luna huffed. "In other words they all have a stick up their rumps and that stick also has a stick up its rump!" She gave her sister a snarky look. “No wonder you are at home here.”
"They be handing up rump sticks? ‘ere?" Cadence, still using her ‘griffish’ accent, jumped on Shining's back and began to look for the rump stick cart.
"This is an utter travesty," Tydal complained as two more griffins 'begged their pardon'. The capricorn looked at all the stiff beaked griffins in their top hats and their monocles and felt the urge to kill rising (and considering that was his normal default setting, that said a lot… or a little). "A once proud warrior race reduced to this. Absolutely horrible."
Shining shook his head. "They managed to go beyond their baser instincts and better themselves... shouldn't that be applauded?"
"Not when they destroy what made them them in the name of progress!" Tydal exclaimed. He sighed sadly. "I remember when this city was just slums with whores offering to sell themselves for 3 bits. There was an opium den on every street and the smell of rot in the air... and the death carts!" He sighed in happiness. “Ah, the death carts.”
"The death carts?" Shining asked. "What's a death cart?"
"You don't know?" A very large griffin asked walking up and joining the fivesome. He was easily as tall as Tydal and Celestia with huge snowy white wings and a dark brown body. A great fluffy beard hung under his beak and his eyes were forever twinkling (seriously, it was all anyone ever talked about). He was dressed in purple robes and tucked in his belt was a small wooden stick. "Back in the olden times this country had so many problems with disease and suicides-"
"And capricorn-related fatalities, don't forget that!" Tydal pointed out. “Why I remember-“
"Right right... anyway, it was common for a griffin to push a cart up and down the road, calling for everygriff to bring out their dead... rather sad but now it is gone."
“And funny,” Tydal stated.
“How could that be funny?” Shining complained.
“I admit it that type of humor is an acquired taste…”
The giant griffin turned to Celestia and smiled. "Hello little one."
"Hello Fuzzy," Celestia said, nuzzling the bearded griffin. "Shining, Cadence, allow me to introduce Fuzzy Thinker. He is-"
"A miserable git who let his subjects turn into wussies," Tydal grumbled. “And he still owes me 15 bits.”
"-The Great Griffin, ruler of Griffland and god of the winds."
Fuzzy shook his head in amusement. "I see your attitude is just as sour as always, little brother."
Tydal glared at his older brother, jabbing his horns at him. "I was trapped in stone for 1,500 years... because of a war you failed to fight in, I might add... you’re welcome for Discord’s defeat, by the way… and when I awaken I find that you have allowed a once noble warrior race to become a bunch of spineless pansies!"
Luna nodded. "I have to agree with Tydal... I was looking forward the bawdy songs and drinking games... or was it drinking songs and bawdy games? No matter… what I didn’t expect was griffins that get the flutters from seeing a butterfly."
“BUTTERFLY!?!” Several nearby griffins cried before fainting.
“See?” Luna said.
Fuzzy Thinkers's eyes twinkled (seriously, they are always doing that... it is creepy!). "My dear Luna, you just fail to see all the wonder and magic that is modern Griffland. I will admit we are not as... bloodthirsty... as we once were... but we are hardly pushovers."
"I say, old chap!" A griffin near them called out to his friend. "I have heard rumors that your rump rubbed against my wife's rump."
The second griffin blushed. "It is true... it was a moment of weakness."
"Well, as long as you feel sorry about it. Why don't we go to the Fox-and-Whistle-and-Dog-and-Cock-and-Ox-and-Wolf-and-Badger and get a nice warm mug of water."
"Oh, I am flying tonight, so I can only have a small one."
Tydal and Luna turned, flashing sour looks at Fuzzy Thinker.
"...ok, so maybe we got a little soft," Fuzzy admitted sheepishly.
Tydal smirked at the victory he had managed to win. "So, dear brother, what are you doing out on the streets, showing everypony your poor taste in pajamas?"
Fuzzy frowned. "They aren't pajamas, these are the robes of a wizard, a sign of my standing… just because you enjoy running around naked-"
“WOOOOOO!!!” Luna shouted, pointing at her naked groin.
“-doesn’t mean some of us can’t be dignified.”
“I be dressed up, gov’nor!” Cadence exclaimed. “Sticky wicket!”
“… ignore her, I think mother left her in the over for too long,” Luna stated.
Tydal smirked. "Pajamas.”
“Robes.”
“You say potato, I say stupid."
"He didn't say potato though," Celestia stated.
"It is an old saying, Celestia," Luna informed her.
Shining, however, was focused on something else Fuzzy had said. "Wait... wizard? I thought griffins were non-magical creatures."
Fuzzy waved him off with a laugh. "Oh, most of us are, my dear boy. But there are a few that are blessed with the blood of Marvelous Speller and thus are able to practice witchcraft and wizardy-“
“Those two things are the same thing… why be sexist and separate them?” Celestia said.
“-we try and keep it secret, so to avoid panic in the street..."
Luna lit up her horn and looked at all the non-startled griffins. "Because clearly magic is a foreign thing to them..."
Fuzzy continued on, ignoring Luna. "You see, my boy, I am the head of a Wizard's School, where I teach young griffins how to use their magic."
"Yes, you are, and it is quite well known," Celestia said with a smile. She waited a moment, before adding, "Yes, well known... for losing to MY school each year in hoofball."
"There are some things more important than sports," Fuzzy countered.
"So says losers," Celestia sang. “Celestia High will do it or die… to keep our colors up in the sky… red and white will stay in sight… till come our victory, go Celly High!”
Luna nodded her head in approval. "Nicely done... hoof me!" Celestia and Luna clanked hooves together.
“You have corrupted our sisters terribly,” Fuzzy said.
“You don’t like it, then you should have been more responsible and mother would have had you care for them instead of me.” Tydal looked at his girls, smiling with pride, before continuing. "So, brother, you still have explained why you are out and about," Tydal stated, running his own hoof along his beard.
"It is about my school, actually... we recently invited a new student, Hairy Grabber, to come. He is quite famous, as he is prophesized to defeat the dark wizard Moldy Warts."
"...that is a horrible name," Shining stated.
Cadence nodded. "And warts ain’t nothin’ ta laugh ‘bout! ‘specially ta ones you get on your-"
"So... Hairy Grabber?" Luna asked.
"Ah, yes... the thing of it is... Hairy has gone missing and I fear followers of Moldy Wart have captured him. I am on my way to speak to a detective I believe can help me come. Would you like to come?"
Luna shrugged. "We might as well... if we went more than 3 chapters without getting sidetracked things would get stale."
"...what the hay are you talking about?" Shining complained.
"I... don't know."
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So, can we all accept as head canon that Night Light is voiced by Liam Neeson and made his bits working as a spy for Celestia?
I am really having fun with the Griffin chapters... I love throwing out literary references and giving everything a British twist. Also, I love having another pony for Celestia, Luna and Tydal to gang up on and their eldest brother Fuzzy (not counting Discord) is a perfect target.
Hairy Grabber? Moldy Warts? Those names sound familiar....
I'm loving this story so much right now! Keep up the great work! Hopefully Luna and Tydal willl get their kill on in the next chapter! 
The references amuse me, while the dialogue makes me laugh. If this story keeps going I may die of the giggles.
I really hope we get another cold opening of Night Light torturing Jail Bird. That was too good to be a one off.
Be afraid, Jail Bird, be very afraid.
love it x) keep it up it amuses me when im down :D
That opening was fantastic. Now I want to see Night Light kicking arse though. Poor Fuzzy.
Nay! We must not speek aloud the name of The-One-Who-We-Imply-Should-Not-Be-Mentioned-By-Name!
AKA You-may-know-who-but-if-you-don't-then-don't-worry-until-you-do, Beakless the Bad, He-Who-Can-Not-Smell, and Lastly, The Heir of Saladbar Lizardking.
2002568 - I'm thinking... a scene out of Reservoir Dogs? You know the one...
Night Light being voiced by Liam Neeson? Definitely head canon.
Huzzah for stereotypes!
2002728
Think about it... who better to voice the stallion that had to raise the most powerful unicorn mare in history AND the stallion that would become the husband of a love goddess?
Each of these chapters is like receiving a ginger snap after going without sweets for a week.
Is this arc going to be a big Harry Potter/Dresden Files crossover, because I can't think of any other detective who would fit here except for a random extra
2002524
Genious. Now write a full story starring
Liam NeesonNight Light as a badass ex-spy....
NOW!
If you don't mind.
So are we going to be seeing a big old Harry Potter arc now?
Also gosh griffons, Why So British?
2002953
Really? You can't think of a single other british detective that might be consulted?
2003162 I can't think of any other MAGIC detective, I mean surely you can't be planing to use Sherlock Holmes
This entire was just brilliant from beginning to end.
Oh, that little whore Cada... wait, wut?
2003166
He is planning on using Sherlock Holmes and don't call him Shirley, unless he has given you express permission.
Who wouldn't feel rustled if a pony who sounds like Liam neeson was being menacing to you?
I believe you mean Stiff
Delete that red section
Seeing as they are in the equivalent of Britain, I hope they come across a pet shop or argument clinic, maybe see a government documentary on how not to be seen. Perhaps they'll be attacked by griffins wielding strawberries and take classes for self defense.
Very nice.
Night Light as
Qui Gon JinnBryan Mills ?Awesome.
Changed from Thinker to Logic here.
Other than that, I didn't see anything wrong.
>>>Luna nodded. "I have to agree with Tydal... I was looking forward the bawdy songs and drinking games... or was it drinking songs and bawdy games? No matter… what I didn’t expect was a of griffins that get the flutters from seeing a butterfly."
“BUTTERFLY!?!” Several nearby griffins cried before fainting.>>>
Obviously, they have seen the horrors of...
THE BUTTERBLIGHTS OF MALCHIOR 7!! (same planet King Yama got the mohogany for his desk) WHICH HAVE A 12-INCH LONG RAZOR SHARP PROBOSCIS THAT THEY SHOVE UP YOUR RUMP AND SUCK OUT YOUR INNARDS AFTER PARALYZING YOU WITH THEIR VENOM WHICH BURNS IN THE VEINS LIKE ENDLESS FIRE UNTIL YOU GLADLY WELCOME DEATH!! THEIR LARVAE DWELL WITHIN THE BRAINS OF THEIR HOSTS, DEVOURING THEIR MINDS LITTLE BY LITTLE UNTIL THEY BECOME JUSTIN BIEBER FANS!! (THE HORROR!! Earth has quite an infestation, by the way.) THEN THEY PUPATE WITHIN THE COLON AND BURST THEIR WAY FORTH WITH A SCREECH AKIN TO THE RING-WRAITHS, ANNOUNCING THE BIRTH OF YET ANOTHER WINGED ANGEL OF DEATH!!
A.D.D., MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well...Hairy Grabber and Moldy Warts...what can I say to that?
Except that your take on it (especially with 3 godesses and one god AND one trained guard) will be mot probably very funny. I'm still interested how you will recreate their characters. Or simply reacting them to your God Squad...well, I'm interested to say the least.
Let's see...Sherlock Holmes (or how you will recreate the name) will come into the big picture. I'm flabbergasted you choose to mix these two (three with your original one) stories and am really looking forward to the next chapter
hmm I was expecting more than one M.Python reference
I forget, was there a plot to this? I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering.
Loved the cold opening and it would definitely be an interesting story of him being an ex-spy. Is the Great Griffin's name Fuzzy Thinker or Fuzzy Logic, anyway it is nice to see more of the extended family.
2004665
There is, but it is buried under pop cultural references
Let me guess, Doctor Whooves is a big hit in the Griffin Kingdom, isn't it?
What's next, are you going to have the Flutterponies be fierce, bloodthirsty warmongers who bathe in the blood of their fallen enemies and kick puppies for fun, or have a country of Talking bears who follow Soviet teachings and get around on unicycles.
I haven't laughed this much in years...
I have a brittish grandfather that i call Fuzzy...
I died.
2008259
Sounds more like something Cadance would do, but whatever.
It doesn't have to be JUST Cadence. It could be anyone! I'm looking at YOu, Rarity.
2006561
That's probably going to be very likely.
It'll be a nice
Would?!
Oh yes, humorously point out you've been drawing out this story at every chance with stupid side-quests and treat it like an accident! Ha!...I wouldn't actually be peeved about this if you weren't so damn flippant and unapologetic about it. A side-quest that's rip off of Harry Potter? How original! I bet it'll have an unfunny and unsatisfying ending just like the last one where they got kidnapped by morons and shifted into Maximum Over-Sue to convince the puny mortals who they were. Seriously i think the best punchline would come from the Princesses getting back and realizing that due to their stupidity, they've been stripped of rank and title and are banished to the Crystal Kingdom where they have to crash with SA and Slutty Cabinet for the rest of eternity.
Here's the less ranty TL;DR version
As it is it has been drawn out way too long it feels like I'm reading the script to this!
Only a real man can watch all of it in one go.
>>Alondro
You are crazier than Pinkie Pie.
And it's so good!
2012763
TL;DR
Everytime I see the title to the friggin' chapters in this story, the first thing I think is "IT NEEDS AN INTRO TITLE".
I stick with what I chose before!
God of the wind eh,? LOVE IT! And did you just make a Billy and Mandy refence? Ahh.....the shameless joy of refences, good chapters, funny as buck though
And Night Light as one of the best actors in the world? SIGN ME UP!!!
I will find you… and I will kill you.”... you know, he actually recorded that whole line as a guys voice mail who was sitting in the audience of some show he was on.
he ended it with a happy/giddy/high pitched "leave a message after the tone"
2002524 So THAT'S where they got it from
ok, normally i get really defensive about people attempting to make humor out of serio-typical british people
but seriously, this is the first of ANYTHING that i've ever read/watched that made it actuly funny
but, i'm also a harry potter fan, and not to sure about the references...
anyway, so far this has been like my favourite fanfic ever, so let's see how it goes
I was about to comment that this was a rip off of Harry Potter, but this chapter is about 20% cooler then the average Harry Potter chapter. Partly because their points
.
2004094
THE ONLY SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO EVEN HARM THEM IS THE VERY WOOD MY DESK IS MADE OF!!! Mahogany..... It's mahogany.
2002807
Works for me.
Their older brother seems like a jerk.