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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This was another wonderfull chapter. I enjoyed the mating round and I wasn't surprised that Night Owl's weather ability wasn't able to match Shadow Dash's experience. I also enjoyed reading about Starlight's fantasies and I expect that Eclipse already has contingencies planned in case Starlight believes she can overcome her queen.
10452450
Thank you! It's not that Night Owl can't match or even exceed Shadowdash's raw strength or power of wind, it's that she's inexperienced with it and doesn't understand all the ways it can be used. SD took advantage of that, and I doubt Night Owl is all that unhappy!
Eclipse has contingencies for pretty much everything, and you'll learn more about them later, even regarding Starlight. But first things first. Couple more major scenes to get through, and then it's time to admit Sunset to start the final battles.
A nice side bout before the final showdown(s)... but please go a little easier on the exclamation points. I get it, emotions are running high. Plus, the competitors are both playing to the crowd in honor of one of the greatest duels in fiction. But it still reads like everyone is shouting at one another for the vast majority of the chapter. And then you get something like this:
Try to imagine a seductive purr delivered at the top of someone's lungs, and I think you'll see the problem.
Again, overall, this was a great chapter. But just because the characters are all banging doesn't mean the punctuation has to match.
10452931
Very well. I'll give it a pass tomorrow and see if I can ease them off a bit. I'll let you know when it's done. And I'll fix the seductive purr part too.
10452931
As promised, I've made the suggested changes for you, going through and plucking the bulk of the exclamation points, occasionally reworking the text in places as well. Check it out and tell me what you think.
10453670
A marked improvement. Thanks for taking the time to go back over the chapter.
So... anyone else come for porn, stay for story, and NOW get excited about the fight?
This is a big flex on your ability to write, or a big learning curve, either way, congratulations on the great work!
10456761
Now that's what I like to hear! That I'm selling people on the story as much as the sex, and vice-versa.
Thank you very much! And thank you for commenting! I'll take a flex, then, and start right into the next chapter!
10453788
You're very welcome. I also did another editing pass yesterday to try to smooth things out and take care of what seemed like some run-on sentences or repetitive words. It sounds better to me now--I do these editing passes by listening to the chapter recited to me on my smartphone using the site's narration feature. It helps a lot. Unfortunately, it doesn't really sound different when it encounters an exclamation point instead of a period, so it's hard for me to hear when I'm overusing those.
I only just realised now the start to this fight is an allusion to the Princess Bride, well played.
11029787
Why thank you! I’d just seen the movie for the first time a couple weeks before writing this chapter, so naturally it made its way in.
11029787
Not just the start - though I was a little worried about the outcome when I recognised that Night Owl had the Man In Black's lines early on.
There's an echo of left-handedness in their later revelations about their powers too.