After returning from Camp Everfree, Sunset and her friends are in for yet another surprise when they learn of the human Sunset that is living in their world. Can Sunset learn to deal with the permanent effects she has caused to the human world?
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I want to see Twilight send Serenade's plans crashing around her ears then have Tirek mock Serenande in Tartarus for her failures.
I really like the story. There are still ellipsis in dialogue. For example:
This comes across as stilted delivery from the speaking character. Try something like this:
The final ellipsis is acceptable since a different character interrupts the speaker.
In writing, short pauses between sentences from one speaker are shown with a single period. Longer pauses should be shown, giving a reason for the pause. In this same example, Celestia paused at the end of the previous paragraph, and we have this paragraph starting with physical actions that explain why she stopped speaking.
Just so you know, I don't want to sound negative regarding the story. I am very ready for Twilight to kick Serenade's tail hard enough for her teeth to hurt.
Goku is out of the psychokinetic lion tamer! Now Cell's in for it!
It really seems like the Mane 6 have been left out and it's simply coming down to Twilight. Only a single bit with Rainbow and Rarity but Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie Pie are nowhere to be seen.
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Their Equestrian counterparts don't have as much involvement. I considered at one point doing a few side stories that kind of told a bit about what they were doing in the story, but it never panned out. Eventually there just became too many characters to manage so some had to take a backseat. The Equestrians had to make more room for their human counterparts.
Originally, I had an idea for Rainbow Dash (Human) having her own side story about her time in the army, and Pinkie Pie getting a story about her college days, and a story about Applejack's youth that arguably got more fleshed out than the others. It was sort of a two part thing where the first half was about what happened to Pear Butter and her dad, but the second part was about Rarity going to find them after being missing for so many years.
In the end, the only side story I ended up making was Rarity's.