- Member Since 17th May, 2016
- offline last seen Yesterday
Moonking
Praise the moon and the princess https://www.patreon.com/Battlelord
Moonking
Joined 17th May, 2016 ·
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I love this.
But things are a little confusing so you need to explain a few things and things need to feel a little different.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with Shadow of Doubt; if you could make them a bit more at least two dimensional, write them a bit more subtly (because pacing is important), and got just a bit better at spelling, grammar, and sentence structure, then this would be a helluva lot more tolerable.
Viking out.
Love the story and it has great potential. But just a word, look back and fix anything that doesn't sound right and slow the pace down.
I had the same problem with my first story but I improved greatly by listening to constructive criticism.
Deleted comment?
Editor\spellcheck and needs fleshing out. Otherwise, not to bad a start.
I'll follow
Hmmm... Looks like my comment really did get lost in the internet somewhere. But that's ok, I saved it, remember? I'd hate to see you deprived of useful criticism just because the site made a mistake, since that's clearly what happened here. I mean, it's not like you would go through and delete any comment that says something negative about your story. That's just ridiculous.
I want to see art of the mom and dad turning high-powered leaf blowers on this child.
VROOOOOOOMMM
Mother, Father, please!
zip zoom zam
Please, the leaves, they're slicing me to pieces!
WRRRAAAAAAAAAA
Mo—
More please
good job
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/if-your-a-grammar-nazi.jpg
7900985 Bulbasaur used Razor Leaf!
It's super effective!
good job
Ya know it's funny you picked shadow for a name cause that was what I called my black cat. She was always in my shadow following me. If good ol sunbutt finds out about Al and Luna' s relationship then try to write it as her understanding why they got together rather than not. Can't wait for the next chapter bud.
Alrighty then.
It seems that a mysterious error has resulted in my comment being deleted, worry not though I am still living (kinda) so I can give you some more constructive criticism but alas it seems as though other people have already done that for me and more then often the error strikes them as well so I will leave you with this.
You can go far in fimfic with the determination and imagination you have however you still need to learn a lot abut sentence structure, grammar and spelling (I myself have trouble with sentence structure and tenses, while my grammar has improved it is helped by the fact that I have a grammar correction program on my computer)
No one is immune to errors and bad writing you need to learn to bring your characters into the 3rd dimension or the 2nd at the very least, but if you are unable to take constructive criticism you WILL not succeed, some people will overlook bad grammar, and cliche ideas but not many.
Remember when people post criticism they are trying to HELP you, I took the time to think out and write this to help improve your story I am not trying to attack you or discredit you I love to see new authors popup and create masterpieces even if they are a little ruff around the edges but if every artist out there refused to take criticism art wouldn't look good at all, criticism allows you to improve the areas that you are weak in, I know this myself I have trouble with 'talking head syndrome' ( it's where I focus too much on dialog and not enough of scenery, making the story setting more like a lecture rather than a story)
So there you have it, take what you will from it, I'm not attacking you and I'm not insulting you all I want is to help you ( as cheesy as that sounds its true)
If this message happens to come across the error that many others in the comment have faced, I'm done, you do not deserve help in that case. If you read through this entirely thank you for taking the time out of your day to read through my rant and sorry if it offends you.
Dude, you need a proofreader, pronto. Maybe an editor. The premise of the story has good potential though. I'm not going to rate yet, but still, this is going on my read later list. Happy writing!
Good chapter. Nice to see the prick beat beat.
also why do the Griffins think their better then the ponies? If I was Alucard I would just shoot them both and get it over with
7915621 No ranged weapons remember
7915864 I meant after the duel
Wow the feels at the end r strong
Losing points there Luna. But hey it's not like our main man won't hear her out right? After all Moonie over there was only created by Lulu' s jealousy.
I can't wait for the next chapter this is going to be good
I want MORE !!!!!
wat?!
and why?!
who are those people the character is talking about?!!!!!
this is a weird displaced
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Loving it
I'm sorry, I don't even know that much about Hellsing...
But having every single characters power?
No. Too OP.
AND their skills?
Look, it's already too OP, and the grammar isn't that good based off the description.
Try to pace things, let him learn how to use his powers and not know right off the bat. And maybe tone down the pace of the romance? Clop on the fifth chapter is a bit fast. And maybe get an editor if you don't already have one.
Hmmm...Interesting. The description has caught my interest. Now, I will read the first chapter before continuing this review...
...Okay, first thing that hit mere a few spelling errors. But considering what they are I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and guess that English is not your first language. Here is the mistakes in quotes, followed by the corrections.
Leafed should be left.
Are should be our.
...Okay now onto the review. I'm sorry but while the premise caught my interest, the grammar and shear levels of 'Gary Stu' in this story have ruined it. I could not even get more than halfway through this chapter before saying that enough was enough. Not to mention that you have the entire story of Hellsing wrong!
Editing is needed but other than that, it's quite good.
Nice chapter but you REALLY gotta work on your editting
Huh... ya know I would have tapped heart butt. But hey that's just me. Great chapter bud. Can't wait for more.
They all look hot headed to me. I find it ironic he told luna to calm down when he was the first to anger and not being reasonable. Nightmare moon may have been created from Luna's jealousy (depends on the point if your using the comics or not) but she still took over and ultimately destroyed Luna's life. If nothing else nmm is the embodiment of all Luna's failings. You'd be an idiot to think they could just get along.
Hey moonking, don't listen to some of these comments, your doing a great job and I love everything you have written here, I love the story, I love the people you wrote and how you wrote them, I love the choices you made, and I love the main guy, I think what you've made is one of the best story's I've read, so who cares what others write, people write for three reasons, to give credit, to help give advice, or to be big dicks, I hope you read this and think it's worth it to keep writing, I wanna see the next chapter, I wanna see him turn armor into a bigger badass, I wanna see him get all the girls and win his fights, I wanna see him back a big badass dad and king, and I wanna see him distroy the Griffen royalty and all they stand for, I want you to know you have my support and many others there are 78 people (me included) who gave this a thumbs up, screw anyone else, if you write, write for the joy of it, for the fun of creating this universe, and for entertaining all of the 78 who liked this, even if there's only one who likes your story, then it's worth its continue ? so keep your head up and write when you can my friend, because you have my support
good job
You should had some more comma's I had to re-read some parts and pause to under stand.
Good story though not trying to be mean or anything
Couldn't our main man just drink Twilignts blood to get a greater magic boost? I mean she is the element of magic after all? And are we just gonna forget the whole Cadence fiasco? Great chapter though. Even though you placed that cliff we have to hang off of at the end here.
This is a bit of an unbelievable statement too far over the top if you get my drift. The problem is people who act like Blueblood here, don't think they're "destroying live's" or playing with mare's. They see it as either their right or the rightful order of the world so to speak. Very seldom will anyone demonize their actions. No matter how horrid our actions appear to other people to us they will be justified in some way.
I've already spoken to you about the honestly terrible portrayal of the hellsing series so I won't get into it here. But I just want you to know I still think you should remove the crossover tag. The only thing you've kept constant from the series are the names and abilities. And I'm questioning the abilities too. When Alucard drank the blood of his victims he gained everything they ever were. So he shouldn't need to learn the spells he would simply need to use the knowledge he gained from the sisters and whatever he could use from the guards and blueblood. Also the series revolved around the Bible, Alucard had no ties to Norse beliefs so the Valhalla bit is out of place.
It's been a week?
Oh that's just her beat talking for her. Probably.
WHEP HIS SCREWED! XD
Wow so rushed and it almost seems like english is the authors second language I hope he gets an editor soon to fix all the errors.
8035397 yeah but he probably wants to finish the story before he edit's it.
KO awesome chapters, the story is getting good in my taste and Cadance screw up on trying to deal with her 'problem' but hope Shining Armor can help her through this.
Ya know if I were in Roy's shoes and I or Armor wasn't fast enough and then lost another wife and child. Then their world would have been already ashes. I don't think good ol Roy can take another heartbreak like that.
Damnit cadence shouldve done it right, keep pestering him and you would be in his herd.
Can Roy turn others into moonwalkers?
The fuck? Seriously 2 things is something i dislike about this chapter, 1: Roy is to forgiving and 2: you still need to fix your grammar problem, jeez man i mean english is not my birth language so i do not know much about proper english grammar but even i know enough english to know that much. Don't you have an editor something to help you out?