- Member Since 20th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen March 13th
Sword Master
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”-Maya Angelou
Sword Master
Joined 20th Jan, 2016 ·
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I will probably wait a few chapters before I make a solid opinion but so far, it's really good.
...Aaaand I'm done!
An interesting start, it kinda makes me think of Monster of Canterlot
I look forward to see where you take this ^>^
7062514 I stopped reading after "tired of this all". Kinda makes you wonder how many of these authors are trolls, and how many are just awful.
You know, whenever I see that many tags on one story, I just assume it's going to be an unfocused mess.
7063173
You can't go around assuming things just because they're almost always true...
How does a story even get more than 5 tags? Isn't there some kind of a limit on tags, thanks to the site admins?
7063454
You say that now.
But then you start throwing numbers around and suddenly that's "racist."
7063465
"Sex" and "gore" aren't true tags. For the site's purpose, they work the same in the filters, but they aren't in the "tag" list as they're rating warnings rather then genres.
Well youve caught my interest so i will at least give this a few more chapters. I would recommend though that you change the first few lines celestia speaks in chapter 1, as they really feel out of character and i can see how that would cause people to stop reading it. I can cetainly see he being frustrated at her situation but i think she would show that differently.
Ah... It's been changed a bit. Good
Maybe this won't be so bad afterall...
Okay... I may not know much about being a Captain of the Guard, but I know for a fact that a Captain would NOT talk to a princess like that!
And also...
The tribal woman from Ice Age trusting her child to a mammoth and a sloth was more moving than this.
7065861
Thanks for your comments, I will go back and change it, to make it more pleasant.
7065895 You're welcome.
I know it's your story. But unless your plan was writing some kind of satire fic, with constant use of the word "fuck", a note in the description, as well as a comedy and alternate universe tag, should've been added.
It's just a little hard to take Celestia and her guards seriously when they act and talk like that. It's like you're doing it on purpose just so the kid can curse too when he grows up.
7066074
It was an idea of mine, but I think I might go against it. Thanks for the feed back, I'm still trying to get this story where I want it and comments like yours always help it take form.
Still have some grammer issues but nothing too bad. It will be interesting when twilight shows up.
Is this an order or a question?
Plus, it's 'You're' (You are), not 'Your' (i.e.: belonging or relating to the person or group of people being spoken or written to). I see you made this mistake more than once.
"Please captain, I've seen stuff normal ponies would never wish to see. Seeing a strange creature like this doesn't strike my fancy. Let's just say that once you've seen something, you kind of get used to everything else. It's the same with war. Once you kill, it gets easier." said Pulse
Sword Master i love your avatar. very clever.
If it weren't for the anthro tag, I'd be confused right now...
7067157
Thanks for the grammar corrections. I'll make the changes very soon.
7067166
Why thank you good sir.
I would tone down a bit with Solar. You are starting to head toward some major Gary Stu material here or less extreme a bit of Superman scaling issues. Superman scaling is where you have an unusually powerful main character that would be Gary Stu if nothing else is to scale with him. That is really hard to pull off and you really don't want to get there too quickly, which is what you are rushing towards. Scaling like that is generally best for when you get more towards end game. Other than the usual need for going over a bit of editing this is getting a bit interesting. Wonder how Twilight is gonna be in here? Still I say all this because I want to see where this goes.
7071124
Thank you and I can tell you that Solar will no longer get any stronger than he is. But in the future, he will get a little stronger. Chapter 5 is the last we will see of Solar becoming a super human. Later on, he will grow even more powerful, but this will be towards the end of this whole story. Also Twilight will becoming in after chapter 6.
Good so far
Aside from gramar problems, in the sene of the bad guy it's kind of anoyng to read "the figure" that many times.
Aside from that and gramat it's goos so far
7071926
I thank you for your input. I think I will make changes to that part of the story.
I know this chapter isnt edited but a few things that may not get caught.
. He then found the sense, (this should bee scene not sense) He found a bleed ( this should be bled not bleed ) out Doctor Pulse.
Princess Celestia and Prince Solar aren't going to take this news good (and this should be well instead of good.
As for the chapter itself, it was entertaining.
7073682
Thanks I'll get those changed very quickly.
Corrections
To start off, the introduction:
Do you mean ''incapable''?
That repetition doesn't sound right.
Chapter 1:
''Celestia walked along''... is better.
...their minds...
You mean ''her''.
Take away ''but'' and replace that with ''the''.
Replace ''on '' with ''with''.
Delete ''more''.
This entire phrase can be deleted as the previous one makes the point of life having become hard for Celestia clear.
Look, this is just the beginning of chapter 1... having said that you really need an editor. That's saying it for grammar. In terms of narrative there's a lot of improvements that can be made, but it's not bad at all.
I want to see where this goes so please continue.
I hope everything goes well i really REALLY do
7075516
Thanks, I do have an editor and he is working on the story. I will make those changes to the first chapter.
i loved that meeting between solar and twilight you portrayed how she would act perfectly
7078607
Thank you good sir.
7078727
well i mean it andf wish you the best of luck with your story and got to say really liking it so far
Damn son, I wasn't expecting this at all! I hope things get better.
Ah man, I can't wait for the next chapter!!!
I like your story so far, but it seems like it doesn't have a cover, I can draw you a cover for your story. If you're interested, let's chat through private message! :D
I understand he is seven but can u have him say mother more than mommy, mommy is kinda being overused I think
7084957
Don't worry, after chapter 9. Solar will stop saying 'mommy' and go more formal with 'mom'. Then later on, with 'mother'.
that was an amazing fight and angry older brother scenario
7086817
I do thank you sir.
ship it like fedex
good cant wait for next one
It's so cute! but why do I get the feeling something bad is going to happen to them?
because it happened before in this story or maybe nothing will happen and we're just being paranoid.
I think you forgot a not in this sentance. I prefer to take you to the infirmary because of a date.
Such an adorable chapter. I am definitely on this ship.
7093499
Thanks
So its will just twilight or the things could change in the future? ( i love the history so far)
7096683
No the whole story will just be Solar and Twilight.
Interesting how will this affect twily?
I like the concept of the chapter but the scene felt forced and i wasnt seeing the reason for the events. I got it hes a kid and dosent understand alot. However i didnt see corelation between celestia saying "she is going to be my new student" to him suddenly thinking his mom was leaving him. Espescialy if hes as bright as they have been saying. But anyway on with the story.