The Lawyer and the Queen

DaGoomba #1 · Apr 24th, 2016 · · · Chapter 1-New World (Un-Edited)-(New Version) ·

Oh Christ, you need an editor and bad. Reading through this just made my head hurt.

"This is the portal to the land of two walkers. To travel, one must sacrifice one part of themselves to open the portal. But be warned as you may never get back what you sacrificed. But you will be granted your greatest wish you desire. But be warned this portal is a one way trip to the world of two walkers. But also to claim your wish you must accomplish the goal the stone gives you. To begin, tell the tone what you wish to sacrifice about yourself."

I think every English teacher/Grammar Nazi in the world felt a disturbance in the force at this. Do no use "But be warned..." twice in a single paragraph and I think you meant stone.

Then back to Equis so I can rule Equestria and maybe all of Equis to.

You've already stated that she can't go back which means you're either trying to go for the "Pay attention, god dammit!" route and it's just coming off weird or you're deliberately making Chrysalis a brain-dead jack off.

Get an editor and take it slow. Read it through when you're done. If you find yourself hating what you're reading, fix it and try again until you're satisfied. Do this and by the end you will have a story you can be proud of.

Sword Master

Sword Master #2 · Apr 24th, 2016 · · · Chapter 1-New World (Un-Edited)-(New Version) ·

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7156121
Yeah, grammar isn't one of my strong points. So I've slowly learned to go slow and make sure everything flows as one unit. I will be looking for an editor to look over this story later on. I hope you still stick around for the other chapters, though I promise I will go slow when proofreading it.

DaGoomba

DaGoomba #3 · May 12th, 2016 · · · Chapter 2-Meeting (Un-edited) ·

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I'll reserve judgement on this until after it's edited, however it still reads in a very clunky manner.

The first few paragraphs/chapters of any story are the most important. They serve as "the hook" and are supposed to entice readers to keep reading. Because of this, you don't want to bore them to death with technical details or simply details in general. Rather than wasting two or three paragraphs telling me about Dudley Do-Right, limit it to one or two sentences that give general details and then fill in the rest throughout the story.

Example:

Ethan White sat back in his chair. He was chewing the end of his pencil. He found that it strangely calmed him down, but it was more to keep himself entertained with his boring life. Ethan White was a twenty-five years old, 6'1'' male human. He had dark brown hair and sea green eyes. He had a modest set of muscle on his body. He worked out here and there since he knew a healthy life style was the best way to live. He was in a brown suit as he sat behind his desk. Ethan worked at a local law firm in Florida. He was a smart kid and was able to make it through college and then law school. He was able to pass the bar exam in one take, but took him a lot of studying. He was now a lawyer, but he found it wasn't what he had expected. But he felt other things in his life were the reason he felt so bored with it.

At a law firm in Florida, Ethan White sat behind his desk chewing the end of a pencil. He found that it strangely calmed him down, but it was more to keep himself entertained with his boring life. While fairly athletic, he was otherwise average for a twenty-five year old lawyer with dark brown hair and sea green eyes.

Something like this is what you should strive for. Give me as little detail as possible without leaving me in the dark and let me learn about characters as the story continues. Let me decide as I read weather to root for someone or hope they step in front of a speeding bus.

TL;DR - Show. Don't tell.

Texus

Texus #4 · May 17th, 2016 · · · Chapter 2-Meeting (Un-edited) ·

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He had so many questions to ask this new stranger. But little did he know, this was the beginning of something more than he could have ever expected.

If he believes he can just ask her, then he has to believe that she is as sentient as himself, which would mean he kind of sexually molested? her with pulling up her tail to look what sex she had. ( I took the word from a translator should it be wrong).

At first I thought he thinks that she is an animal, which would make it not really bad that he looked there, but now since he seems to think he can just ask, he has done something bad.

The next point is I'm not sure how honest he meant it that he found his girl, but i think its a joke.

AetherToast

AetherToast #5 · Jul 3rd, 2016 · 1 · · Chapter 2-Meeting (Un-edited) ·

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I am kinda liking this so far. You just might want to find a way to avoid using "he" in almost every single sentence; sometimes it was used 2 or 3 times s sentence.

Texus

Texus #6 · Jul 4th, 2016 · 1 · · Chapter 3-Let's talk (Un-Edited) ·

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It was good, but I remembered how sad it usually is if a Pony does meet the Earth, because most of the time they can 't go anywhere and would probably taken away from the police and such.
Maybe they would even die because of the experiments.

Texus

Texus #7 · Oct 25th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3-Let's talk (Un-Edited) ·

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I would like to have a new chapter please.

Sword Master

Sword Master #8 · Oct 26th, 2016 · 1 · · Chapter 3-Let's talk (Un-Edited) ·

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7670744
I've been busy with other stories and haven't found any inspiration to write new chapters. I'll see about getting a new chapter for this story since you want one.

Sword Master

Sword Master #9 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 3-Let's talk (Un-Edited) ·

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10474885
I put the story on hiatus because I was not too fond of the direction it was going. I wanted to take some time to look back over what I wrote and adjust it. So in the current form, I have yet to do so and have no current timeline for doing so.

Sword Master

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