Queen Chrysalis finds a portal to a new world that grant her a wish after completing a goal. She soon accepts and is transported to Earth where she meets Ethan White, a lawyer bored with life. Can Chrysalis and Ethan live together and find the truth
I'll reserve judgement on this until after it's edited, however it still reads in a very clunky manner.
The first few paragraphs/chapters of any story are the most important. They serve as "the hook" and are supposed to entice readers to keep reading. Because of this, you don't want to bore them to death with technical details or simply details in general. Rather than wasting two or three paragraphs telling me about Dudley Do-Right, limit it to one or two sentences that give general details and then fill in the rest throughout the story.
Example:
Ethan White sat back in his chair. He was chewing the end of his pencil. He found that it strangely calmed him down, but it was more to keep himself entertained with his boring life. Ethan White was a twenty-five years old, 6'1'' male human. He had dark brown hair and sea green eyes. He had a modest set of muscle on his body. He worked out here and there since he knew a healthy life style was the best way to live. He was in a brown suit as he sat behind his desk. Ethan worked at a local law firm in Florida. He was a smart kid and was able to make it through college and then law school. He was able to pass the bar exam in one take, but took him a lot of studying. He was now a lawyer, but he found it wasn't what he had expected. But he felt other things in his life were the reason he felt so bored with it.
At a law firm in Florida, Ethan White sat behind his desk chewing the end of a pencil. He found that it strangely calmed him down, but it was more to keep himself entertained with his boring life. While fairly athletic, he was otherwise average for a twenty-five year old lawyer with dark brown hair and sea green eyes.
Something like this is what you should strive for. Give me as little detail as possible without leaving me in the dark and let me learn about characters as the story continues. Let me decide as I read weather to root for someone or hope they step in front of a speeding bus.
He had so many questions to ask this new stranger. But little did he know, this was the beginning of something more than he could have ever expected.
If he believes he can just ask her, then he has to believe that she is as sentient as himself, which would mean he kind of sexually molested? her with pulling up her tail to look what sex she had. ( I took the word from a translator should it be wrong).
At first I thought he thinks that she is an animal, which would make it not really bad that he looked there, but now since he seems to think he can just ask, he has done something bad.
The next point is I'm not sure how honest he meant it that he found his girl, but i think its a joke.
I am kinda liking this so far. You just might want to find a way to avoid using "he" in almost every single sentence; sometimes it was used 2 or 3 times s sentence.
I'll reserve judgement on this until after it's edited, however it still reads in a very clunky manner.
The first few paragraphs/chapters of any story are the most important. They serve as "the hook" and are supposed to entice readers to keep reading. Because of this, you don't want to bore them to death with technical details or simply details in general. Rather than wasting two or three paragraphs telling me about Dudley Do-Right, limit it to one or two sentences that give general details and then fill in the rest throughout the story.
Example:
Something like this is what you should strive for. Give me as little detail as possible without leaving me in the dark and let me learn about characters as the story continues. Let me decide as I read weather to root for someone or hope they step in front of a speeding bus.
TL;DR - Show. Don't tell.
If he believes he can just ask her, then he has to believe that she is as sentient as himself, which would mean he kind of sexually molested? her with pulling up her tail to look what sex she had. ( I took the word from a translator should it be wrong).
At first I thought he thinks that she is an animal, which would make it not really bad that he looked there, but now since he seems to think he can just ask, he has done something bad.
The next point is I'm not sure how honest he meant it that he found his girl, but i think its a joke.
I am kinda liking this so far. You just might want to find a way to avoid using "he" in almost every single sentence; sometimes it was used 2 or 3 times s sentence.