Where Celestia pushes the first domino stone.
Slowly Louise returned to consciousness; she looked around and noticed that she was in the headmaster’s office. On the desk she saw a rabbit jumping up and down with rage, threatening Celestia will all sorts of things.
Ah yes, Celestia somehow turned her big sister Eleanor into a rabbit.
Welp, time to go back to unconsciousness!
“Oh no you don’t!” Celestia was by her side and lifted her up into a sitting position. “There, now don’t faint on us again.”
Louise remembered her temper and decided to use it. “You turned my sister into a rabbit! Until that is banished from my mind I refuse to acknowledge reality!”
“In hindsight that might have been a bit excessive.” Celestia admitted.
“A bit!?”
“The issue is judging a situation correctly, you never know if you judge a person correctly.” Celestia explained. “I judged that your sister wouldn’t back down until I have proven myself to her and with how confrontational she was I expected a clear cut magic duel to be the best way to do that.” She finished. “Remember Louise always use the appropriate amount of force, and more importantly think of how to use it.”
Louise was silent for a moment. “Did you just turn your reasoning for turning my sister into a rabbit into a lesson?” She questioned.
“Everything can be turned into lesson Louise, or more importantly you can learn from everything. The difficulty is often finding the lesson.” Louise eye began to twitch as she started regretting not fainting again.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” From the headmaster's desk an angry rabbit looked at Celestia with murder in her eyes. Sadly the rest of her body was fluffiness so it didn’t have the same effect Louise was used to.
“Don’t worry, as I said the effect will wear off.” Celestia explained with a voice that suggested that she had to say the sentence way to often by now. She then got a thoughtful expression on her face. ”I could use this to start a lesson for dispelling enchantments for Louise...” She said to herself.
“NO!” the whole room minus Louise shouted at her.
“Well then you will just have to endure for a bit.” Celestia explained. “And let this be a lesson for yourself as well Eleanor. Never underestimate anything. It can and will spell your demise many times over.”
“Who are you to lecture me?!” Eleanor shouted back.
“I am Celestia, raughly 1400 years old, have taught more students than you are years old, led a team of elite flyers, defended my country from five different monsters and taught the next leaders of my country,” Celestia said with a bored voice. “Pleased to meet you.”
“As if you could prove any of that!” The rabbit shouted back at her. Celestia only sighed as response.
“So, what now?” Louise asked carefully.
“It’s still rather early, so how about we train more with your magic?” Celestia suggested. “The reason for your visit was the concern about Louise’s studies, wasn’t it?” She turned to Eleanor.
She continued to glare as she answered. “Very well, I will watch the ‘lessons’ you have made my sister do and judge the results.”
“Perfect! Let’s go!” As they left the office Eleanor started to curse again as she was levitated off the desk and placed into Louise’s hands.
Carrying the rabbit was more uncomfortable for Louise than anything in her ENTIRE life.
They arrived at their usual clearing close to the water so that Louise could train her control more.
Eleanor observed patiently as Louise’s arms started to glow and the water began circle her.
“If you have some questions, you may ask, Eleanor,” Celestia commented.
“It’s Lady Vallière to you, horse!” It seemed that she was still angry. But after a few moments she did decide to ask something. “This is supposed to be a control exercises, correct?”
“Yes, that is the case,” Celestia answered carefully.
“What kind of control?”
“With only one sphere, it is focused on the amount of magic used on an object. The purpose is to make sure that there is an equal amount pressing onto it from all sides.”
“Why would that be necessary? She is performing a water spell, isn’t she?”
“She isn’t performing any elemental magic at all.” Celestia explained as Louise grabbed another sphere of water.
At the raised eyebrow Celestia explained further. “Louise doesn't have a elemental affinity. From my observations you human mages seem to brute force most of you magic by forcing it into whatever shape you want it to be which is helped by your elemental affinity. Louise can’t do that, as such I am teaching her the raw basics of how to apply her magic to the outside world.”
“Applications of raw magic without a conduit or molding shouldn’t work like that. Raw magic is way too volatile for that.” Eleanor countered.
“That is true, why do you think Louise spells keep exploding until now?” Celestia explained.
Eleanor got a thoughtful expression on her face before answering. “That’s impossible, we tried forcing her magic through a elemental conduit, the conduit failed the moment Louise’s magic touched it.”
Celestia narrowed her eyes. “A raw conduit should have worked actually.” She then proceeded to look around with narrowed eyes, as soon as she was sure that they were unobserved she cast a silencing spell around them as well as an illusory wall. “Louise, stop for a moment and come to us, please.” Carefully her student placed the water back into the lake.
“What are you doing?” Eleanor asked warily not trusting the Alicorn one bit.
“I think this is the perfect time we explain that one little detail that I found in you magic Louise.” Celestia said to Louise, the girl still worrying about it started chewing her lips. “That you came to visit so unannounced is perfect actually.”
Eleanor’s eyes wandered warily between the two.
“Big sister, my magic wasn’t just a problem of my affinity. I had a Geass placed on me, one that actively blocked my magic.”
There was dead silence for a few moments as Eleanor recollected her thoughts at the information she just received.
“How? When? By whom?” She asked with a edge in her voice that made Louise shiver.
“We discovered it by accident during our first lessons. It was preventing Louise from coherently channeling her willpower.” Celestia got a thoughtful look on her face. “She might actually be able to perform some of your kind’s spells now that it is lifted but we haven’t tried. I wasn’t able to determine anything about its origins, it was decent in strength so the caster had experience in mind magic by pony standards, that is all I can say to their identity sadly.”
“Who knows of this?”
“Only the three of us for now.” Louise answered that one. “We decided to keep quiet as we have no clue who did this, depending on what exactly it was doing it could have been applied as early as when I tried to cast my first spells.”
“That is… very worrying Louise. I am proud that you managed to keep calm in this situation.”
“I honestly didn’t, Celestia was the one who managed to calm me down long enough,” She admitted.
“Understandable.” She only answered back. “If this is true that I am thankful to you Celestia.”
“It was no issue, I treat any attack on my studentls as a personal offense that will be punished harshly.” Celestia promised. “It is slightly infuriating, normally I would have much more resources to call upon to deal with this problem. For now I can only place my trust in you Eleanor.”
“If someone in the school is responsible then whoever it is already knows. I need to inform mother immediately.” Eleanor thought a bit more. “Maybe it would be smart to get Louise home, the school is unlikely to guarantee her safety right now.”
“I must disagree, the school is probably the safest place for her at the moment.” Celestia protested.
“Explain.”
“Whoever it was probably wasn’t targeting Louise directly as it would make no sense to place mind magic on a child. More than likely this was an attack at the Vallière family as a whole. The culprid already infiltrated you once so there isn’t much stopping them from doing it again.” Celestia clarified. “An attack on the school would trigger a nationwide response considering how many nobles are here. That coupled with Louise probably not being the primary target gives her a screen of security.“
“I don’t like the ‘probably’ in there.” Eleanor commented.
“What is there to gain from Louise suffering such massive failures in magic over and over?” Celestia countered.
After some thinking Eleanor answered. “The only thing I can immediately think of is prestige, however it would be a minor loss at best. Currently the house Vallière is held stable by its relationship to the crown and by the titles of our mother.” A laugh escaped her. “And it would take far more than a child being incapable of magic to undermine That.”
Minutes passed as Eleanor was thinking over the issue. She stole a few glances at Celestia's hoof where the familiar runes were inscribed. “Continue to keep quiet and train Louise in defensive magic as soon as possible, I will go back to the mansion post haste. Don’t try anything with normal magic yet. On the off chance that the culprid still doesn't know we need to keep it that way as long as possible.”
“Agreed.”
Louise was watching the exchange tensely; never before had she seen her mentor or her sister with such attitudes, it scared her a bit how quickly they could adjust and analyse matters. It intimidated her somewhat but she promised that one day she would gain the same competence, for Henrietta she could be nothing less.
“Let’s continue where we left off, and don’t forget to pretend being angry at me.” Celestia told the still rabbit with a wink.
“Oh don’t worry, I have enough insults left for you, you bleach furred hellspawn.” Eleanor shouted. Celestia lifted the spells and Louise went back to practicing.
She nearly managed 5 minutes with 3 orbs even.
Later in the evening the spell wore off and Eleanor was about to enter the chariot back home.
“Behave tiny Louise.” She said giving her a little squeeze on the cheek. “And you!” She turned to Celestia. “You better take good care of her.”
“You have my word as teacher.” Celestia said with a mock salute, the hidden meaning was delivered.
With that Eleanor left the academy.
“Well, that was a eventful day.”
“Agreed,” Louise said exhaustedly.
“We need to remember to add one day to your duties as maid, after all you skipped those today.”
“What?!” Louise shouted in protest. “But we did different more important things!”
“We could always ask your sister on her opinion. That reminds me we haven’t told her about that fiasco a few days ago, have we?”
Louise mumbled about hellish teachers all the way back to her room.
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9014944
Look at the AN, I actually got your comment only moments after THAT happened.
Grammatical inquiry, by Culpid did you mean Culprit? Otherwise still entertained and thank you for writing!
Yay! Keep Going!
This is without doubt my most favourite Crossover with Familiar of Zero. Most others are boring and repetitive so it is interesting and fun to read what you have written.
Well that makes things far more interesting that Louise’s sister is now on the hunt for who is targeting her sister. Because only she gets to do that.
Only one quibble that I feel needs pointing out. You keep saying 'culpid.' The word you are looking for is 'culprit.'
looking forward to more
Annnnnd it lives!
This started off being adorable, and quickly switched to an appropriate level of serious. I must say that I'm a really big fan of this work. Definitely looking forward to future chapters!
Glad to see it back.
Louise needs to learn more magic- I think shields should be the next focus.
HERESY!
9023506
9024945
Do you remember Finding Nemo? You made me imagine the seagulls, only "Heresy!" instead of "Mine!"
Hey, a blast from the past! I'm glad to see this is updating. Let's celebrate with nitpicks!
I noticed a LOT of three specific errors:
1. possessive dropping ("Louise hair is long" should be "Louise's hair is long")
2. "a" instead of "an" (It should be "a" when the word has a consonant sound i.e. "a hair", "a pear". It should be "an" when the word has a vowel sound, i.e. "an omelet", "an hour".)
3. "Speech." She said. ("Speech," she said.)
There were also a lot of places that I felt commas would have been called for (instead of nothing), or semicolons (instead of commas), but I didn't go after all of these where the result wasn't too confusing. However, if I felt the need to write a "corrected version" for an unrelated issue in the same area then I probably inserted them.
consciousness;
headmaster's
Louise's eye began to twitch
an angry
effect will wear off
taught the next leaders of my country,” Celestia said with a bored voice.
(taught, comma, a)
rabbit
Celestia only sighed in response.
(This doesn't need to be a separate paragraph from Eleanor's speech, since Celestia didn't speak here, but if you still want it separate that's not wrong.)
Louise's
(This says she spoke to Eleanor while facing Louise, and then turned to face Eleanor. Is this what you meant to write?
(Also, "or not" is sort of left hanging because the sentence didn't set up another question for it to be in opposition to, i.e. "Was the reason for your visit the concern...". (The placement of "was" makes this question-grammar instead of statement-grammar.) Or, you could change "or not?" to "wasn't it?" or something similar.)
off
Louise's
big sister
(Either...
Louise had never felt more uncomfortable in her life as she
(or...)
Louise never felt more uncomfortable in her life than when she
(or...)
Louise had never felt more uncomfortable in her life than when she
(#1: This moment in time is the most uncomfortable Louise has ever been.
(#2: Carrying the rabbit is more uncomfortable for Louise than anything in her ENTIRE life, PAST PRESENT OR FUTURE.
(#3: Like #2 but only up until now in her life.)
control
Louise's
questions, (to separate the two parts)
ask, (to specify that she is addressing Eleanor, and not telling the person she is talking to that Eleanor is the person to ask the question to)
Eleanor," (because that's how you separate speech from a connected bit of narration)
exercise, correct?
case,"
(It should be "a" when the word has a consonant sound i.e. "a hair", "a pear". It should be "an" when the word has a vowel sound, i.e. "an omelet", "an hour". Also, I recommend a substitution in the second sentence:)
With only one sphere, it is focused on the amount of magic used on an object. The purpose is to make sure that there is an equal amount pressing onto it from all sides.
Louise's
cast a silencing
an illusionary
(or, recommended, "an illusory")
placed
eyes wandered varley between the two
(I actually had no idea what you had meant to write, but after looking at the two of them together...)
warily
perform
kind's
(This is too many "it"s; the simplest fix is probably just to remove the first one.)
enough," she admitted
whoever it is
need to inform
An attack
loss
that
(unless you have a specific reason I'm unaware of in the Zero world for Eleanor capitalize "that" in this situation)
tensely; never
off
furred
off
(either...
With that Eleanor left
(or...)
With that her sister left
(recommend "Eleanor" because the surrounding stuff isn't Louise's viewpoint)
"Agreed," Louise said, exhausted.
(or, "said exhaustedly.")
9025101
in other words, you should get the Grammarly extension. It highlights spelling and grammar errors automatically as you type in your web browser. You can also upload documents to the website and have them checked. There is a subscription service, but it is for more in-depth corrections; basic service should be all you need.
9025101
You get a cookie and a hug. For being one of the few people/ponies who actually point this stuff out. I will fix it as soon as I can.
But the medal you get for actually giving explanations as to why it needs to be that way. You get a internet seal of approval!(yes I do mean the animal)
Noticed this while I was searching for storys and had no idea this was just updated after a year. I think its a good story and happly waiting for more to read. thank you for the story. also you put "twilight taught" in sted of celestia. forgot where it was.
9025526
I don't know—certainly things like that will improve your writing from a technical standpoint, but it might not improve your understanding and worse it might become a crutch that impedes improvement. Maybe I'm wrong, since I haven't used Grammarly, but I would be concerned if someone just mindlessly complied with whatever they were being told. Not just because of false corrections, but also creating dependency, although I'm sure that "good habits" would also be formed.
TL;DR: better than nothing, but I suspect the long way is better. The author certainly shows an admirable enthusiasm for self-improvement.
9023611 Yes, that.
9023723 I will try.
9023734 Yay.
9023827 Not only her sister...
9023819 It is!
9024020 Yep.
9024332 Then I did what I intendet.
9024509 We will get there soon.
9024945 !!!AHHHH!!! Not even more!!!
9025526 Link?
9025986 Yay. I couldn't find the twilight there, so maybe somewhere in a diffrent story???
9026184 I do like to improve, that is one of the main reason I even post my stuff. The issue I have with writing sadly is not just limited to english as no matter what language I write in I make very strange errors that arent realy explainable as to how the hell I even suspected this was correct. I know 4ish langauges by now and can speak 3 fluently but with writing I need help in all of them.
Ok, I corrected most of the errors but a few questions are still on my mind:
9025101
Well there is a error I have been making for like 3 years then. Thanks.
Is there a resons I should use ';' instead of a coma?
It was what I ment to write yes.
You mean "Carrying the rabbit was more uncomfortable for Louise than anything..." I think?
I did write it in captials intentionaly becouse Karin's, Louise's mother, reputation is just THAT big of a deal.
Thanks again!
9026753
I'm more than happy to help. Thanks for the explanations when what you did was intentional.
Yes. Basically, a semicolon is used in two places: in complicated lists (not relevant here), and to separate things that commas shouldn't be used to separate. Specifically, when the two things you are separating could be fully complete sentences on their own, you can use a period, or a semicolon, or some other things, but not a comma. That is a mistake known as a "comma splice".
I am going to the store, I am going to buy milk. <--wrong
I am going to the store; I am going to buy milk. <--not wrong
I am going to the store, and I am going to buy milk. <--also not wrong, because of the "and"
A semicolon is usually used to show the reader to connect things more than two separate sentences would. A colon could also be used but it has a more specific purpose: the first part introduces the second part, or the second part clarifies or expands on the first part. (Like in the example I just did.) You could also use an em-dash—one of its uses is as a catch-all punctuation mark you can sort of cheat with; just don't use it that way too often.
Yes, I suppose. That is definitely how it should be written in narrative tense. I was not in "narrator mode" when I wrote the descriptions so I used present tense. The actual proposed corrections are in the proper tense for being written in the story.
[edit: Oh, lol, it looks like you used my description of proposed correction #2 as the actual correction #2. Well, it does work, I guess! If I confused you, then I apologize; if you just liked it better than the actual proposals, then I don't apologize
]
P.S. Oh, hey, this is embarrassing; I appear to have missed a nitpick in the very first paragraph.
with
9026184
True, breaking grammar can be fun if your trying to write in the same style and personality as the character whose point of view you are using.
Something that really bugs me though (generally, not specifically talking about this story) is when an author makes errors in tense. Switching back and forth between present tense and past tense. Past tense is told like you are telling a story, where as present tense is like a twitch stream. You can tell, when reading those discontinuities, that there are time gaps between writing sessions for the chapter, as their frame of mind changes with each writing session.
I hope this story isn't dead
It's been a while since I have read anything related to Zero no Tsukaima but Celestia and Louise work really well.
9446912
Hope this gets an update sometime soon.