wayward_pony
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Intriguing.
Will follow with interest.
Usually I try to say something a bit more constructive, but you seem to have things well in hand. Keep up the good work.
Okay, I was going to wait until I went through all four chapters to post this particular issue, but after seeing it done wrong repeatedly when you do it right at certain points, it begs direct intervention.
In what way is the above situation different from the one below?
The answer is that they are only different in that dialogue tags have been expressed properly in the second example. When dialogue is followed by a said tag [be it a says/said, a whisper, a command, a reply, or another similar speaking verb], the punctuation mark before the close-quote is always treated like a comma, even when it is a question or exclamation mark. Likewise, dialogue should never end in a period if a said tag follows it. So rather than what is written in the first quoted section [and all similar situations], you should write it as follows.
Another thing I'd like to comment on in this chapter is the capitalization of the words unicorn and pegasus. In the sense that you are using them, they are treated as common nouns, much like human is. Unicorn is not Sweetie Belle's name or title; it is a descriptor. You might capitalize Pegasus if you were referring to the entity from Greek mythology, but if you're referring to a pegasus in a realm where pegasi are commonplace, they are common and the word likewise becomes nothing more than an adjective. The only feasible time that you might capitalize unicorn is if it were referring to some sort of ethnic background, like the Unicornia mentioned in the Hearth's Warming play, as you would American, European, Hebrew, or Tibetan.
Similar to what I mentioned in the previous chapter, this is also a case of dialogue. The only difference in this case is the use of italics tags, rather than quotation marks, to internalize the thoughts. All thinking words [thought, mused, etc] in these situations are treated like said tags.
Just some food for thought.
Alright, you've certainly got the makings of an interesting story building here. Aside from the issues pointed out on chapters one and two [which apply throughout the entire story
], there's not really much to complain about.
There's just two things I'd like to point out. Beyond marking the story as mature, you have done little to show what kind of story this is. Is it comedy? Slice of life? You have tagged the story with no categories at all, making it very difficult to 'sell' to prospective readers. This will even turn many off, not knowing whether this is inside their reading criteria. I know that I was certainly hesitant to read this with only the vaguest guess what the story was actually about.
The second point I'd like to make is this. You have the story marked as mature and you describe it as "Under Mature for Adult Themes." Now, coupled with the content of the story, it's clear that there are certain sexual overtones present. You're being vague about the sexual nature enough in what is written that it isn't explicit, but it's there nonetheless. Now, unless you're planning on going somewhere that wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit or a pornography, the mature tag probably isn't necessary. However, I would advise a sex tag nonetheless; it's not just for outright sexual intercourse, but also for sexual themes/situations or humor.
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5137357
Thank you very much for bringing those discrepancies to my attention. I will fix them tomorrow and check the next part for such errors.
Thanks again pardner
5137496
Thanks again. I'll try to make it more clear what the story's intent is. I was going for mostly comedy, with an element or two of seriousness.
I would advise a sex tag
Will do. Sex really isn't my intention in this story, although there's plenty of sexuality and related themes. I went for mature because of the sexually charged elements, but I'll probably ask a mod if I can bump it down after it's complete.
You've given me much to consider, and much to improve this story with. Thanks for your time
Oh god. I had been on this site anonymously for awhile, but reading this forced me to get an account so I could commet. I love the anxiety I'm getting from this sudden change in Sweetie Belle.
I have a few questions though. How come it seems only the colts/stallions can smell her? I know Applejack is the only mare she's been around since it's starting but I was just wondering...perhaps the males pick it up better?
It is indeed intriguing!
I know it was your intention, but you got me with Big Mac simply dropping her on the floor. Staring at her strange posture, then saying Eeyup
5141823
Heh. That's awesome
Applejack is the only mare she's been around since it's starting but I was just wondering...perhaps the males pick it up better?
That was what I was going for; in the later chapters Rarity can smell it, too. They haven't been released yet... still editing.
Pheromones attack both sexes but some are targeted, hence the crowd
This story makes me angry.
Just freaking tell her already!
"Oh I'm Applejack and I'm going to leave it all up to Rarity because it's the right thing to leave a filly in terrible pain since she's not family."
"I'm Rarity and being a horse is icky so I'll just leave her all alone in the attic and not comfort her at all."
"A book will make everything better unless you're too horny to read, but what are the chances of that?"
"Oh I'm... perfectly in character actually. Here's some ginger for the cramping."
I don't even know if a town-wide orgy could salvage this. So mean spirited!
...
"Is it still PMS when all the other ponies actually are complete morons?"
5194984
Yeah that sums it up for me too. Though to be fair...AJ would have been right to leave it to Rarity...if Rarity would mare up and actually tell her. Seriously, at this rate I wouldn't be surprised if this ended in (pre)teen pregnancy due to sheer stupidity.
And Twilight trying to solve a problem with a book...sounds perfectly in character for her too.
Woah, this sounds good
My first thought was that, somehow, Sweetie got pregnant. But that would make no sense, right? RIGHT???!!!oneone
5197822
I somehow feel Rarity even aims at getting Sweetie pregnant.
and later
I'll 1v1 Rarity Club Penguin in her arse if she does what i think she will do... Poor Sweetie
As a girl I am really enjoying the realism of this story and loving the fact that it hasn't devolved in to fetish play mega orgy. Please continue! I feel like any sex in here would be very tasteful and what a rarity that is on this site
5230011
Thank you for the kind words.
While I'll admit my knowledge of reproductive cycles -- both human and equine -- is a lacking, I tried to combine what I did know and focus more on how Sweetie Belle is feeling. I've read that people who don't know they're approaching that time (for the first time) have awful cramping and can be quite irritable, and animal's body language/changes in their body suggest the same thing. I tried to take that from a more sympathetic angle, though I can see why a few readers have called this story slightly sadistic. I was operating on more of a "do the right thing" premise... naturally not meaning to compare my writing to that of the great Spike Lee, of course
While the story is classified as adult and containing sexuality, I can assure you it will be taking a direction no one has thus far mentioned
If you want to add the sex tag, add some clop. Good story through and through
Good story...
I started to read this with VERY low expectations and, boy, if there was a time i was even wrong, it was now ! Very, very beautiful wrote, sensitive and fun at the same time. Congratulation, mate, you just won a follower.
And for those of you that does not understand why a guy would like a story like that, remember that, sometimes, guys have children and, ocassionally, those children are daughters, small two year old princess that, eventually, will grow up. Sure, i hope that this will not happen in the next, say, thirty or forty years but, still, will happen eventually.
Now, excuse me, I have a weapon to buy to the future Button Mach that I´ll appear at my door.
5266028
Thanks
Neat.
They grow up so FAST!
Dear God. She's mastered innuendo before she's even come to terms with the concept of sexual attraction.
Must be genetic.
Geez Sweetie, a minute ago you were gushing over Mac, and now you're leading a trail of colts home for a "sleepover". You adorable little slut.
AAAAH! SEX ZOMBIE!!
WHOA THERE. That there stallion is married, you little homewrecker! There are some indiscretions that we just don't tolerate, even in your delirious hormone-fueled fantasies!
With your sister locked upstairs and spewing pheromones, there's still plenty of opportunity to top it, Rares.
- due to a wide array of insightful and severe legal impediments.
I'd think that in a society where estrus is completely normal and common, the colts and stallions would be slightly less perplexed and worked up by the scent of pheromones. This can't possibly be the first time Jetboy or the other colts have smelled a mare in heat, and the stallion should know exactly what's going on and why Rarity seemed uncomfortable about it.
But whatevs. This is still fun.
R.I.P. Sweetie Belle's innocence.
Also: Ha! Awkward and non-sexy masturbation scene!
Aw, are you serious? We don't even get to see the actual "Talk"?
I was also holding out hope for a few uncomfortable questions and answers regarding Big Mac's anatomy.
Missed opportunities...
I think it was a great story, however it would have been more interesting if Button Mash actually snuck in the window maybe at night and Rarity caught him in the nick of time before he can do anything or something. I would've have like to see her battling off a hoard of horny colts after Sweetie.
How come Big Mac wasn't like drawn to Sweetie Belle like the other colts?? You showed he was obviously uncomfortable and more brotherly to Sweetie but if estrus can drawn 5 colts around (should have been more by the way, like Rumble, Truffle Shuffle, Shady Daze, Lickety Split etc.) , I mean wouldn't Big Mac's carnal desire kick in too??
5640132
That's good criticism, and thank you for the kind words.
While it might seem cruel, I wanted Sweetie Belle to be alone while she was writhing, with ponies she didn't really know (but recognized from school) lusting after her. The nameless colt we see twice (as the audience) we really don't know anything about -- not even his name, just what he looks like. Plus I could picture him distorting his face creepily, and it made me chuckle.
As for Big Mac not being into Sweetie Belle... I get where you're coming from. He's much older, and I was hoping to show that he's capable of identifying what's going on without actually being attracted to it. Later on another stallion gets a snootful and I was hoping to convey, rather than being attracted, he's more or less energized and enjoying it... whereas his son is more or less going crazy.
If I were to rewrite this, I might've swapped out First Base for Lickty Split. I like the character model a bit better. I wanted to use some Season 4 characters for stock, and the "Flash Sentry-like colt" as I first thought of him seemed cute.
Thanks again.
Peace
No comments on horse menstruation (or in general)? I'm surprised!
Really, though, I've read that the leading theory behind overt menstruation is that the endometrium is too thick to be completely reabsorbed. The theory further states that the reason for the thickness in the first place is because the larger, more advanced brains of primates require a thicker endometrium for proper nourishment. Given that MLP ponies are as intelligent as humans and also use magic, it stands to reason that the endometrium of ponies would actually be thicker than with humans. So for anyone who says that the ponies don't menstruate, I have evidence proving you wrong. Just look it up.
5659710
While I believe I'd read horses reabsorb their fluids, I didn't know the logistics behind why different animals go about menstruation differently (I believe dogs menstruate more similarly to people). I imagined a hybrid between humans and ponies. It's been a while since I looked up horse reproductive system, but I think they only do it a couple times a year.
Heat definitely happens once a year, not once a month. It's not a period.
8200490
They aren't ponies, they're cartoons.
Anything they do in these stories could get a person hurt, expelled, arrested, possibly deported. To put it another way, don't try this at home!
... you know, taking a horse inside, painting it a candy color, and trying to have a conversation with it. Lol.
Okay, in all seriousness I totally get what you're saying, however, I don't feel it applies for the above reason and the fact that they've been anthropomorphized. Inserting things into the story that would never work in the series interests me, and that's where this idea comes from.
Thanks for the interest!
Would that Green Day song be "Longview" by any chance? :)
Now this was a most interesting take on the experience you tend to just get glimpses of from Sex ed classes. Not being a woman makes it hard for me to ever fully understand having to deal with this. Moreover having a son means I don't have to prepare to explain such things. However it is a part of life that I do wish a woman did not need to ordeal. It's unfair to need to go through such things while guys get a pass.
I believe you handled the whole situation tactfully. You took your time to develop everything going on with Sweetie without getting too gross or caught up in what could easily become a clop story.
The "Dear Princess Celestia" moment here really makes the whole story come together as a "Slice Of Life" instead of "Sex Story" as it is really hard to describe such changes to someone who has never experienced something of such magnitude. I know I'll eventually need to have "The Talk" with my son but he knows stuff about that already thanks to how his classmates tend to get into "R" rated and "M" rated materials that make a lot of references of the sexual nature.
You made me feel genuinely bad for Sweetie Belle as nobody would be straight with her about her situation. I know I'd feel awful if people withheld information I so desperately needed. I'd likely go into anxiety attacks wondering why what was happening was happening and why people who always seemed nice were suddenly acting quite mean.
It's interesting how you pointed out the maturing males picking up on Sweetie's scent. I wonder if Ms. Cheerilee would ever have a class for the colts and one for the fillies to discuss such things? Or perhaps she'd have Nurse Redheart come in?
Lots to think about with how I'm sure Sweetie would definitely be quite upset with all that has happened and knows will happen until she's used to it. I'd wonder if she'd be there to help Scoots and AB as a way of sparing them the misery of what AJ and Rarity put her through over that very long day?
8262103
More like "All By Myself" ^^
>coltfriend
Oh come on!!! It's not even confirmed in this story that they're in relationship (as far as I read it carefully).
Also, why him?
9600535
They make a cute couple, plus I needed some character around her age to have a relationship with her that superseded just being friends to explore a dimension of tension she's, and those her age, are unable to put into words. It might give reason for him to feel some internal panic when Sweetie starts talking with the other colts, treating him as though he's gone down a peg in her book. Not to mention it sets up a dynamic that makes it less awkward when he's being more directly persistent than the others when trying to enter the home and dealing with Rarity. Not to mention, Button's cool ^^
Thanks for your interest
Had this colt succeeded this story would have the actual sex scene, but I guess it was just made just for comedy's sake.
Either way, you cockblocked.
9600843
Nowadays, Button is shipped with his mom (which I find very annoying) or that OC called Apogee, while Sweetie Belle is shipped with Rumble or Terramar. I have to say, since 2014 the fandom has changed a lot.
This story was written in 2014, when SweetieMash was extremaly popular. This ship already had its 5 minutes.
Even Button Mash himself isn't that popular anymore. lol
9600888
Interesting. I kinda like Button Mash, he reminds me of one of my younger family members. Thinking back, maybe my choice was a smidge inspired by Jan Animations work, but I personally don't think too much about popular shipping pairs, especially as time has gone on. After nearly 10 years, though (wow), I kinda still like... okay really like, Appledash. All the same thanks for sharing
Sounds like you might find Sweetiemash a bit tiring, and I dig. Some people find Derpy's muffin fixation a bit much, as well as Lyra and Bonbon's shenanigans, and the whole slew of others quirks or combinations certain people are drawn to. Again, I totally dig. Hope you are still able to enjoy the story :)
Peace