Alright, you've certainly got the makings of an interesting story building here. Aside from the issues pointed out on chapters one and two [which apply throughout the entire story ], there's not really much to complain about.
There's just two things I'd like to point out. Beyond marking the story as mature, you have done little to show what kind of story this is. Is it comedy? Slice of life? You have tagged the story with no categories at all, making it very difficult to 'sell' to prospective readers. This will even turn many off, not knowing whether this is inside their reading criteria. I know that I was certainly hesitant to read this with only the vaguest guess what the story was actually about.
The second point I'd like to make is this. You have the story marked as mature and you describe it as "Under Mature for Adult Themes." Now, coupled with the content of the story, it's clear that there are certain sexual overtones present. You're being vague about the sexual nature enough in what is written that it isn't explicit, but it's there nonetheless. Now, unless you're planning on going somewhere that wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit or a pornography, the mature tag probably isn't necessary. However, I would advise a sex tag nonetheless; it's not just for outright sexual intercourse, but also for sexual themes/situations or humor.
Thanks again. I'll try to make it more clear what the story's intent is. I was going for mostly comedy, with an element or two of seriousness.
I would advise a sex tag
Will do. Sex really isn't my intention in this story, although there's plenty of sexuality and related themes. I went for mature because of the sexually charged elements, but I'll probably ask a mod if I can bump it down after it's complete.
You've given me much to consider, and much to improve this story with. Thanks for your time
It is indeed intriguing! I know it was your intention, but you got me with Big Mac simply dropping her on the floor. Staring at her strange posture, then saying Eeyup
Intriguing.
Will follow with interest.
Usually I try to say something a bit more constructive, but you seem to have things well in hand. Keep up the good work.
Alright, you've certainly got the makings of an interesting story building here. Aside from the issues pointed out on chapters one and two [which apply throughout the entire story ], there's not really much to complain about.
There's just two things I'd like to point out. Beyond marking the story as mature, you have done little to show what kind of story this is. Is it comedy? Slice of life? You have tagged the story with no categories at all, making it very difficult to 'sell' to prospective readers. This will even turn many off, not knowing whether this is inside their reading criteria. I know that I was certainly hesitant to read this with only the vaguest guess what the story was actually about.
The second point I'd like to make is this. You have the story marked as mature and you describe it as "Under Mature for Adult Themes." Now, coupled with the content of the story, it's clear that there are certain sexual overtones present. You're being vague about the sexual nature enough in what is written that it isn't explicit, but it's there nonetheless. Now, unless you're planning on going somewhere that wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit or a pornography, the mature tag probably isn't necessary. However, I would advise a sex tag nonetheless; it's not just for outright sexual intercourse, but also for sexual themes/situations or humor.
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Thank you very much for bringing those discrepancies to my attention. I will fix them tomorrow and check the next part for such errors.
Thanks again pardner
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Thanks again. I'll try to make it more clear what the story's intent is. I was going for mostly comedy, with an element or two of seriousness.
I would advise a sex tag
Will do. Sex really isn't my intention in this story, although there's plenty of sexuality and related themes. I went for mature because of the sexually charged elements, but I'll probably ask a mod if I can bump it down after it's complete.
You've given me much to consider, and much to improve this story with. Thanks for your time
It is indeed intriguing!
I know it was your intention, but you got me with Big Mac simply dropping her on the floor. Staring at her strange posture, then saying Eeyup
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Heh. That's awesome
Applejack is the only mare she's been around since it's starting but I was just wondering...perhaps the males pick it up better?
That was what I was going for; in the later chapters Rarity can smell it, too. They haven't been released yet... still editing.