wayward_pony
Joined 2nd Jan, 2013 ·
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wayward_pony · 6.5k words · 54 5 · 2k views
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The writing was awkward and the narration shifted between formal and informal with jarring regularity. You also have no idea on how to punctuate dialogue, although I trust you're capable of using Google to look for the answer yourself.
Also, I was rather disappointed that Applebloom and Sweetiebelle didn't coerce Scootaloo into wearing a diaper with them as punishment for her laughing at Applebloom.
Most of the dialogue is good, though the narration and descriptions could use a little work. The premise seems fine. It's just the delivery that needs work.
having that image of grany smith in the character list makes me want to look away from this.....
Good story. As a parent I can totally identify with Applejack in this.
That was bazaar and ominous, but I still liked it all the way. Plus I was just dragged around a mall.
2382933 Coming from someone like you I'm surprised. Or actually I guess I shouldn't one of your stories involved Shining Armor teasin Twilight about her bed wetting problems and being forced to wear one as punishment.
Still I'm surprised you were so harsh on this guy. I thought it was great.
2385324
Quality is subjective. That said, I can find plenty of objective mistakes to prove my case. Simply put, it was mediocre at best. Not good enough to be interesting, not bad enough to bother getting RARGHSNARGLEIWILLEATYOURSOUL angry about.
farm5.staticflickr.com/4122/4869449359_1576cf6d18_z.jpg
2385964
Couldn't agree more. Quality is subjective and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. While not put as tactfully as I might have if I were unhappy with someone else's work, I understand it's coming from somewhere sincere and isn't just borne out of a desire to say whatever the heck you want.
That said, though I get the humor in it, I do not appreciate linking to that image on my page. It maybe unintentional, but it shows me disrespect and seems more borne out of a desire to say whatever you want IN BIG LETTERS than actually help. Please show a little more discretion on other people's pages in the future!
Peace :)
2386606
How about in small letters then?
i.imgur.com/EieB5s8.jpg
But seriously, it sums up my view. Picture or words, the effect is the same.
2386752>>
Lol. That actually made me laugh. Nice to see that you are not taking all this too seriously ^^
However, I am beginning to get uncomfortable, so I'm going to have to ask that this banter please stop.
Take it easy :)
This was cute, aside from the punctuation issues I did enjoy this. Favoriting and liked
Cute story. My only complaint is that it should have been longer, with some details fleshed out, especially near the end.
I wouldn't mind more detail around when AJ goes to the library, but I understand needing to keep that a secret for the later scene to work out. And it seems like there could have been more detail near the end - as it is, it seems like they AB and SB find out something about each other, and that's it, with no further discussion. You kind of address that with:
But it seems like there could be more detail and discussion there.
2411557
Thanks for the kind words
When editing this story, I was thinking about adding a bit more to the part about Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom near the end. I hesitated because I didn't want to accidentally get too fetishy, but the idea is still on my mind and I've got a few ideas since. I've also been considering some of the feedback I've been getting and I'm liable to go back and make some minor changes in a while
I found it very touching and cutsey.
Would like to see more, and perhaps doing what Darken said in the first commeny--having another PJ party but with Sweetie and AB forcing Scoots to join them in being diapered--and they prank her into wetting.
And that one part had me do a double
. Very hard. Just from how shocking yet funny and akward as it was.
2537902
Thanks for the fav. and kind words
Would like to see more, and perhaps doing what Darken said in the first commeny--having another PJ party but with Sweetie and AB forcing Scoots to join them in being diapered--and they prank her into wetting.
That's not the direction I wanted to take the story in, but thanks all the same for the input
2539658
Thanks. That was a fun moment to write
Please do try to regard spoilers, though, and keep such comments behind the dark bar. Is it possible to edit the previous comment to impliment that feature?
Sorry to be such a pain
Peace ^^
2539765
I'm using a tablet that derps up half of what I'm writing.... And I have no idea how to do that in the first place. I'll remove the comment then to take out spoilers.
2539973
Ah, you're fine bud. Thanks again :)
The story itself is pretty good. Other then a handful of spelling errors and grammar issues I really liked it. I did feel for Apple Bloom's situation.
Specially the nightmare with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, as well as her internal debate during the slumber party over wearing the diapers or not.
2618402 why is this a mature story it doesn't even swear I don't get it
3052945 According to the author
Which some people would find offensive.
Myself I think it's a cute story.
3053783 yeah I guess but still it's a teen I think because its so damn cute and funny
3054360
Thanks for the kind words. I initially tried to publish it non-mature, but I was told to bump it up to Mature. Probably didn't help matters that (I beleive) I tried Everyone first. I didn't get it either, but if it's what is required to fit the site's criteria I'm not going to argue.
3055622 it's cool I got over it I'm just a douche sometimes Lolz the truth it's like slim shady said god sent me to piss the world off
3055688
Heh, no worries. Your question was valid and I'm surrpised no one asked it sooner
3054360 Yea it is cute and adorable
3055622 I know how you feel, though I pushed up the rating on a story I'm doing just to be on the safe side, same with adding in the gore tag. It's not dark or anything just some parts can be a little disturbing. Unfortunately they didn't have a "violence" tag would of just used that.
3056351 I think teen could have done it and gore? I don't think that that would be right for this story even if there are some disturbing parts
3057070 I meant my own story. :o It's a story about Mare Do Well.
Sorry bout the confusion.
3057478 Lolz
This was... nice.
Very sweet story. I can't think of anything to improve on aside from some grammar. It had a nice plot, good characters, and a good end. I think the only way it could improve on is invoking emotion in certain areas. To be honest, the original MLP FIM show didn't have spectacular writing either; decent and charming at times, but not spectacular. I may be partly numb, but some extra descriptive writing can always help. Things that appeal to the five senses are generally considered descriptive, which you did fairly well to an extent. There were times when the story felt slightly rushed or not fully felt. These are probably the smudges where you didn't incorporate as much descriptive language about the emotional turmoil the character's were going through when a scene was supposed to be more emotional.
3330816
There were times when the story felt slightly rushed or not fully felt. These are probably the smudges where you didn't incorporate as much descriptive language about the emotional turmoil the character's were going through when a scene was supposed to be more emotional.
That is a flaw I definitely see in my writing as I reread a passage or two written way after the fact. I think it possibly comes from the desire to compromise between having it drag and being descriptive, as sometimes I tend to write a skeleton then fill in the blanks (as I did with this story). The more a person writes the better he gets at picking up on these patterns, so I think at worst it's just a sign I need to get more comfortable with this medium
Thanks for your critique.
Peace
Dialogue.…..yeeeaaah I think you've heard that enough. But great story man!
3996422
Domo
Reasonable. This is the kind things little kids would go. Through. Only wish I could say I had too to feel a little more connected to this story
Awwww... I thought the friendship lesson was going to be about how friendship was like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
4157765
You sir have earned a thumbs-up and an amused shake of my head simultaneously
Honestly, I don't see this as a fetish story. Granted, I don't have diaper fetish, but I feel this could play out for an actual MLP episode...Too bad pee is too inappropriate for little kids, while Nick relies on toilet humor.
4446819
Thanks for the kind words
I really didn't write it as a fetish story, but I can see why people might say this is one. The toilet humor (I feel) is about on par with the Rugrats, maybe a bit more intense. That's not really the direction the MLP staff is taking their series, but I can see some kids' series playing out with a similar scenario. In the end, Apple Bloom learns a few things about friendship and her troubles ultimately make her stronger
4447773 Hey, following the others' logic, Arthur would be fetish material. Remember that one episode where a teenaged girl wore diapers at a sleepover to keep her from wetting herself? That's exactly what came to mind.
I have to say this was a really great story! :D. Earned a like and a favorite from me. This also touched me on some level... cant say whatexactly but I loved how Sweetie Belle had a diaper too. It made it all the more sweet in the end :')
4451730 I remember that. And the moral was a really good one. Arthur, alongside FiM, is probably the best at teaching its target audience good morals in today's generation.
4447773 Ah Rugrats, back when the phrase "Nicktoons" actually MEANT something! For a show focused on babies, it was surprisingly clever.
3054360 More to do with fimfiction standards or something , really anyting with wet diapers or otherwise 'has' to be rated teen in order to be approved. yah the hwoel 'oh its fetish material' argument but whatever I can see what they mean by stuff like that i suppose.
5637533 that's true...