Paul's Thursday Reviews CXLXIV · 9:14pm Mar 21st, 2019
When I was a kid, it was common for my parents to bring me, my sister, and my brother on vacations around the country. These trips usually lasted a week and would occur roughly once a year. Most often they included visits to landmarks, such as Utah’s Bryce Canyon, or to historical sites like Gettysburg. Growing up, I came to think of that as what vacations are meant to be. Once I became an adult, these vacations became less frequent, largely because I was at the point where I was expected to either pay my own way or pay my parents back, and that just wasn’t feasible.
But I have been a good boy and carefully managed my funds. Last year I finished off not one but four bills, and the result is that I now find myself no longer obligated to count my pennies before I go grocery shopping. For the first time in my life, I can afford to do vacationy things without having to hope my parents will be generous. And what do you know, I’ve already decided to go to Bronycon this year. While comparing the cost of flying or driving the ~1,500 mile trip (one way), it became apparent that driving would require a stop at a hotel in between, but it’ll still probably be cheaper overall. Then I had an epiphany: If I’m going to have to stay overnight somewhere anyway, why not make this into the kind of vacation I had as a kid?
So that’s what I’m going to do. I intend to visit a major landmark both on the way up and on the way back. I’ve already decided to hit the Smoky Mountains on my way back down. Was thinking Mount Le Conte, but I don’t think my vastly out-of-shape body could take the hike, and it’s not something I want to do on a tight schedule anyway. Haven’t decided what to do on the way up yet, but I’m sure I’ll find something at a manageable distance between Baltimore and Houston.
In unrelated news, I finally realized that my comparative lack of productivity in the last month hasn’t just been because of the stories I’m transferring to book form: I was suffering burnout. Once I became aware of this, I decided to take advantage of my ongoing reading vacation (yeah, I haven't read anything this week) to do other things, things not pony-related. I still write a little when the mood strikes, but haven’t been devoting myself to the task. I’ll give it this week and maybe next week (which, by sheer scheduling coincidence, is a break-week, so no review blog and half the normal reading) then see if I’m ready to put my nose to the grindstone again.
On the one hand, I’m already starting to feel the desire to get back into it, so it must be having the appropriate effect. On the other, I hate taking these breaks. The worst part about them is getting back into the writing groove, which requires a good bit of willpower even when you’re interested. Losing momentum is a terrible thing. But I was losing it anyway, so it was a necessary evil.
Alright, I’ve rambled for long enough. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Fluttershy's Nightmare Cottage by Zeck
To Dethrone A Princess by Codex Ex Equus
Every Mare Needs Her Stallion by Inquisitor M
Strategic by Winston
The Weed by kudzuhaiku
Episode 1: Nightmares and Lunascapes by Mr Lovecolt
Seasons: Falling Leaves by Wodahseht
Mud Puddles by RoyalBardofCanterlot
Fallout Equestria: Survivor's Guilt by RuinQueenofOblivion
A Stitch in Time by Eakin
Total Word Count: 755,992
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Fluttershy's Nightmare Cottage
6,077 Words
Zeck neglected to provide cover art.
Fluttershy’s invited her friends to her cottage for another Nightmare Night of scares. But when the group arrives, they witness their terrified host getting dragged into darkness and come back… different. Surely it’s all just a game though, right?
This is one of those stories where all the hints are right in my face but I didn’t realize it until the very end. Which is exactly what I like to see. I must compliment Zeck on keeping the clues subtle enough to go completely unnoticed until they become pertinent. Granted, anyone who really pays attention will likely figure out what’s going on, and that’s fine, but for my enjoyment I like how things turned out.
The fate that befalls the various ponies aren’t exactly original, but the author works them well. At times I felt like things were going a bit too fast – no room to really sink into the atmosphere – and yet I don’t think that works against the story. It’s fast-paced enough to keep the reader from thinking too deeply about it, which works in its favor given the ending.
The conclusion felt a bit rushed and I’m not sure I approve of the overarching idea, especially given what we know about the characters (or one in particular). It’s a lot OoC, and an argument could be made for this needing an AU tag. Still, for what it is I think the author did a great job with the tools at their disposal. A worthwhile read for those looking to get a little spooked.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
To Dethrone A Princess
3,321 Words
By Codex Ex Equus
A group of rebels led by a traitorous Equestrian general use a powerful artifact to completely nullify Celestia’s magic. His coup is succeeding amazingly, and all that’s left is to deal with the princess herself. He might have miscalculated on that part.
To summarize the summary: Celestia is an OP badass and she wants to have some fun.
A silly story that shouldn’t be taken at all seriously, this is exists solely for the sake of watching Celestia have an “I am a God, you pitiful creature” moment (minus the Hulk smashing). Her dainty play at total innocence when her sister comes by to inquire about the fight is the icing on the cake. Just about the only people who might not like this are those who think Celestia is weak and pathetic (as the show regularly suggests) and take any suggestion otherwise far to seriously.
The rest of you? Knock yourselves out.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Every Mare Needs Her Stallion
7,964 Words
By Inquisitor M
The day after Fluttershy throws a Grand Galloping Gala-like tantrum in the market, Rarity invites her over for tea and to be Fluttershy’s shoulder to cry on. But when Fluttershy arrives, she’s positively glowing with happiness. Rarity has no idea why these opposite behaviors are happening, but she’s determined to find out.
This is one of those stories in which the author fails to account for a reader’s thought processes. To them, everything is clear and if you just ‘read it correctly’ you know exactly what’s going on. I suspect most people who read this story are instead thoroughly confused. This would explain why a story with over 10,000 unique views somehow has less than 400 combined votes: nobody knows what to think.
Inquisitor M’s writing style is one that avoids directness as if it might instantly doom the story to literary limbo. This is not a bad thing when handled properly, and the author has shown numerous times that they know how to do this. But Every Mare Needs Her Stallion will probably require several read-throughs to be properly understood by most readers and, let’s face it, most readers aren’t going to re-read 7k+ words five times to finally grasp the point. This leads me to think that either A) M overreached and assumed to much of the audience, or B) his specific audience is not 95% of the FIMFiction community. I strongly suspect the latter.
But what is the story about? If I’m interpreting it correctly (and this is a big if), I think it’s about Rarity’s self-centered nature. Everything she does in the story seems to be more about her than Fluttershy, even when she messes up royally. I haven’t figured out the ending though, as it seems to come entirely out of left field. I feel like I’m missing something a lot bigger, but have no idea what it might be.
Still, I do enjoy many things about the story. The primary conceit of this story being about romance without actually being a romance is a nice ploy, and I get the strange impression M was attempting to tweak the shippers with red herrings. I’m still fond of M’s overall indirect style, which makes a point of never explaining why things are happening and expects the reader to figure it out for themselves. His ability to create atmosphere – sometimes even being misleading through it – is a nice show of skill. Add to that the great characterizations of our two main characters, which are pleasantly show-accurate.
This story won’t appeal to a larger audience, as it requires focus and careful interpretation. It’ll make the ‘higher reading’ group happy though, and I’m betting that’s the audience M was aiming for. If that’s not you… well, you may still get something out of it, but be prepared to pay close attention lest you be lost among the shifting moods and unclear purpose.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Movements of Fire and Shadow — WHYRTY?
The Boy Who Cried Wolf — WHYRTY?
Three Solos, One Cadence — Pretty Good
In this slight departure from the usual for this author, we focus on a solitary chess match between Celestia and Luna as the day comes to a close.
The first thing I recommend is loading up that game Winston conveniently includes in the description. It allows you to literally follow play-by-play the match between Celestia and Luna, and at the pace of your reading to boot. It makes the whole thing far more engrossing, and I thank Winston for introducing me to the site in this way.
The game plays out as a big metaphor for who Celestia and Luna are, as well as what their relationship is. Winston works this with far greater finesse than I anticipated, although without the visual aid it can be a little tricky to follow along. In the end, I was immensely satisfied with the results. It somehow manages to use the game of chess to adequately depict the princesses’ different styles and personalities and culminates in a nice bit of warm fuzzies for Luna.
I have no complaints. This is nicely paced, doesn’t overstay its welcome, and manages its intent with grace. I can see no reason not to recommend it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Ghost Lights — WHYRTY?
Seashell — WHYRTY?
Born in Equestria — Worth It
First — Worth It
Scent of Roses — Needs Work
The Weed
186,725 Words
By kudzuhaiku
Sixteen-year-old Tarnished Teapot, son of Pinny Lane, is a walking disaster area. His cutie mark is a Poison Joke flower, and he causes weird things to happen all around him. After many repeated disasters and the growing frustration of his neighbors, Princess Twilight Sparkle finally saw fit to banish him from Ponyville forever. Now Tarnish must survive alone in the wilds, and he has no idea how.
I know what you’re probably thinking: “Twilight Sparkle did what?” Understandable. Believe it or not, there’s a reason for that, and I’ve already given it to you if you just think about it a bit.
This ends up being a story about Tarnished Teapot growing up. Life on the road changes him from a bitter, unhappy colt who hates his life and his cutie mark to a proud, capable adventurer and botanist. Oh, and he becomes Maud Pie’s travelling, er, “companion”. Which brings me to another point: this story is just as much about who Maud is – as a pony, as a Pie, as a mare – as anything else. The two work wonderfully together throughout the story, their every conversation an opportunity for growing their relationship and individual characters. If there’s anything Kudzuhaiku can do well, it’s make characters relatable.
The story could use some proof readers. It has moments of repetition and similar such things, more so than I would consider ‘normal’. But the issues aren’t significant enough to put a dent in the ever shifting story. The “ever-shifting” part may have something to do with how Kudzuhaiku seemed to permit the readers to influence the story in some ways, although the plot weaves itself around the different events well enough to make it all feel natural. The only thing that might give readers pause is how the Pie Family is misrepresented from canon, such as Marble and Limestone being the twins instead of Marble and Pinkie, or how Limestone is no longer the eldest of the siblings anymore. Still, these issues are so common in the fandom as to be a pandemic, and I’m not sure that the right information was available at the time the story was published anyway, so I’m willing to handwave it. I mean, really, I can offhand only think of one story I’ve read that got the Pie Family canonically correct.
This ended up being a delightfully entertaining read. At times thoughtful, frequently amusing, and using Maud’s character to great effect whenever possible, I never stopped enjoying myself. The idea behind Tarnish as a character is also well-utilized and nicely explored. We also got Celestia and Luna cameos that didn’t feel forced, awkward, or pandering, so kudos there (Luna’s was particularly endearing thanks to her struggles with maintaining her disguise).
While I wouldn’t call The Weed the best story Kudzuhaiku has ever written from a technical perspective, I think it qualifies as my personal favorite. Maybe it’s the shipper in me. Maybe it’s how well they utilized Maud. Maybe it’s how they manage to make even the mundane moments interesting and fun. Whatever the case, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Princess Twilight Sparkle's School for Fantastic Foals — WHYRTY?
Filly Twilight Sparkle and the Mystery of the Groaning Ghosts — Pretty Good
Trixie Lulamoon and the Horrendous Hypothesis — Pretty Good
Twilight Sparkle And the Very Confusing Apocalypse — Pretty Good
Twilight Sparkle And the Very Confusing Day — Worth It
Episode 1: Nightmares and Lunascapes
37,834 Words
By Mr Lovecolt
Edger Allegore Poeny is a writer from Manehattan. He recently catapulted to stardom via a series of horror short stories. This wouldn’t be so bad if he’d never intended for those stories to be in the public domain. More importantly, Edger suffers from frequent hallucinations of shadow creatures and nightmares of torture and death. Now the one and only Princess Twilight Sparkle has invited him to Ponyville to do a book reading of his less scary poetry, and he hopes to Celestia taking a break from the disturbing stuff will help him feel better about… well, everything.
This has an interesting premise but a stuttering, rough delivery. I like how Mr Lovecolt handled Edger’s hallucinations and frequent struggles to distinguish fantasy from reality. Those moments were vivid and, at times, legitimately creepy. Adding the concept that there were ‘old gods’ from before Celestia’s and Luna’s reign worked well, especially with how Luna’s reaction to Helioselene’s name being raised suggested a potentially disturbing truth in the background. I’m not opposed to this never getting explained, especially considering there are two sequels.
There is also the seriousness of the events to consider. While some writers might be tempted to take this to extremes, Mr Lovecolt keeps things at a level suitable for a teen audience while also maintaining the sense of very real danger. This is achieved through permanent injuries and death, and not even the Mane 6 are immune to such things. Knowing that the worst possible outcomes can happen to even our beloved characters makes the story and its sequels much more interesting on the whole, but is balanced out by the author’s refusal to go into grimdark and depression-inducing scenarios. Not bad for Mr Lovecolt’s first story on the site.
Then we get to the issues. For one, the story feels a little rushed at times. Caramel feels more like a tool to make things happen than a fleshed out character despite his overall importance. The climax scene resolves itself so quickly it seems forced. Edger supposedly makes a deep connection to Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Caramel, and Rarity, and yet his time with them is so brief and lacking in relationship growth that Edger’s big Friendship pronouncement at the end appears to have been tacked on because the author felt obligated to add it.
Then there are the gems:
He sighed; his sigh was resigned.
Why are we repeating the same information twice? If it was for atmosphere, you’re doing it wrong.
Edger nodded and turned to the others. As he stared out the window, he felt another...
So he turned to the characters but didn’t turn to the characters? At the same time?
That’s just two examples from the last chapter. The entire story is littered with stuff like this. There are also misstated colloquialisms and apparent editing blunders, more so than there should be. The author’s descriptive and atmospheric quality shifts back and forth at random, with some scenes (the train’s bathroom scene) being great and others (Twilight and Luna facing the darkness together) decidedly not. This story would have been far better with some consistency there, but sometimes I felt like Mr Lovecolt just wanted to hurry to those scenes that most held his interest.
Okay, so the writing needs work. I was still entertained by the story, which is at times creepy and has an interesting, if not particularly novel, premise. It was good enough to have me invested in reading the sequel to see where things are going and maybe expand upon the lore. Provided you can put up with the on-and-off writing quality, it’s a decent slow-burn horror to get involved in.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Stallions of Equestria: Adam's Apple — Pretty Good
Seasons: Falling Leaves
5,587 Words
By Wodahseht
It should surprise nobody that Fluttershy likes to go nude at times, especially in nature, but where could the terminally shy girl go to indulge such a thing with little to no chance of being caught? Luckily, Applejack has pointed her to a pond far out in the orchard she can use, although she isn’t aware of the whole nudist bit. One fall day, however, Fluttershy is startled to find that she’s not alone in her favorite spot of nature: Sunset’s come by, and she has similar interests.
This is a simple little friendshipping tale where Sunset Shimmer and Fluttershy learn a little more about one another. It also discusses the ‘normalness’ of nudist activities. For those of you hoping, this isn’t a romance at all, so shippers (and cloppers, I suppose I should add) may be disappointed. That being said, notes in the description hint that shipping will be a thing in the sequel, so there is that if you’re so inclined.
For my part, I liked the story. It’s a little plain in style, but it plays straight a topic that I typically only see in porn and joke contexts. The little bit of Rainbow Dash at the end was an unexpected touch that makes me look forward to what is coming next. I suppose if I had to complain about anything it would be why choose to make this a multi-chapter story when it would have worked just fine, if not much better, as a straightforward one shot. But it’s not a big consideration.
A curious story that may lead to more interesting things. I’m curious as to where the sequel will take this.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Dawing Do to the Wescue — Pretty Good
Mud Puddles
1,176 Words
By RoyalBardofCanterlot
Seven-year-old Rarity is trying to get home after the rain ruined her mane, only to find a filly playing in the mud. What follows is what I’m sure they’d consider a mud fight for the ages.
RoyalBardofCanterlot mentions that this story only exists for the sake of getting over writer’s block. It shows, but I am not the least bothered. It’s simple in concept and delivery, but achieves everything it needs to. Heck, there’s not even a point to all this as far as the plot goes, it’s just a pair of fillies having some mindless fun in the mud. I could nitpick on things, but I’ll reserve that for stories meant to be taken seriously and enjoy the foalhood shenanigans.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Lessons Learned — Worth It
The Care and Raising of Pegasii — Needs Work
Her Shield, His Heart — Incomplete
Fallout Equestria: Survivor's Guilt
433,075 Words
By RuinQueenofOblivion
Alternative Title: For a Moment, Scootaloo Sighed a Little and Said “Me, Too”
In this revision of Fallout Equestria’s history, we learn that Scootaloo did not, in fact, die seeking out Rainbow Dash after the megaspells hit. Instead, Rainbow Dash found her near-death and put her in a health-regenerating pod that kept her in stasis for 210 years until a bunch of random scavengers woke her up. Now the 40-year-old former Cutie Mark Crusader has to figure out what to do with her life.
Kkat’s Fallout: Equestria and Somber’s Fallout: Equestria – Project Horizons are both quite the big deal. Some people hate them as overbearing sadfics and/or think they’re “too painful to handle”. Others look to them as masterpieces. I loved the original, and while Somber’s went a bit too far for too long it was still an excellent continuation. But there are a lot of imitators, bandwagon jumpers, and well-meaning but inexperienced fans out there, with just as many stories attempting to capture that same shine. Survivor’s Guilt caught my eye for the simple fact that it stars Best Filly, albeit as a grownup, and I was curious to see what that might lead to. So, ignoring the author’s angsty teen pen-name, I crossed my fingers and dove in.
Before I say anything else, I should start this off with praise for the author’s ambition and drive. RuinQueenofOblivion has written 1.2 million words since March of 2016, which is damn impressive, and continues to produce despite having a lackluster consistent audience. As someone who knows what it takes to complete a 300k+ story and a couple million words under his belt himself, I tip my hat to you, author. I hope you never lose that drive.
To the story. What I got was something distinctly different from what Fallout: Equestria is, for a wide range of reasons. For one, it doesn’t follow the original’s format of facing down hopelessness and struggle in search of a bright, but possibly nonexistent, conclusion. It’s not about good triumphing over evil, and it doesn’t have supervillains who refuse to die and are wholly, unrepentantly corrupt. It’s a simple adventure story in which all bad guys are just misunderstood good guys who can be turned around Friendship is Magic-style if you just try hard enough. Right away, I imagine that turns people off. I don’t blame them; gone is the realistic stance of people and personalities and in is the stance of “there is no such thing as evil.” Purists and realists will have a problem with that.
It’s not a bad direction, not really. It’s just not a Fallout: Equestria direction.
Another big difference is in the writing. Now, there’s nothing wrong with an author having a different writing style from the source material. But RuinQueenofOblivion’s style is problematic at best. For one, they clearly have no idea how punctuation works. While they appear to have a general idea of how sentences function, periods and commas appear or are missing with complete randomness. The result is a myriad of run-ons and unpredictable structure that makes everything read poorly and/or moves to fast. Characters frequently jump from performing one action to a different one with little to no emotive transitioning. The most amusing part in the entire story was the extreme irony of when Morning Glory picks up an entry written by Blackjack because “Blackjack can’t grammar”, as if she was doing any better.
Stacked on top of this is a highly repetitive and telly style. Scootaloo sighs every other sentence, if not two or three times in a single sentence. Everything is done “for a moment” and “a little”. The lump sum of every scene of emotional exchange can and often is summed up in someone giving someone else a nondescript “look”.
To add to that, Scootaloo’s catchphrases are feeble, especially considering they almost certainly weren’t meant to be catchphrases. LittlePip had her creative and fun swears involving Princess Luna. Blackjack wasn’t an executioner. Scootaloo? Her phrases come down to “Me too, [character name], me too”, or “I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have a choice”, or “Thanks, that means a lot”. Those are just the most obvious ones. Scootaloo says a lot of the same things, as do her companions, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. If there’s anything this author needs, it’s to expand their vocabulary and get more creative with their prose.
RuinQueenofOblivion also has no sense of gravitas. Scootaloo just woke up after nearly dying and 210 years have passed? “Well, thanks for waking me up, random OC #2343212. Where’s the nearest town?” Just met a clone of Rainbow Dash? “Huh, well, that’s fascinating. Here’s a half-assed word of wisdom. Gotta go!” The entire story runs like this. It’s amazing to think that a 400k+ story can be seen as rocketing through its material, but that’s exactly what Survivor’s Guilt does.
And then there’s the massive number of cameos and history revisions. I gather that RuinQueenofOblivion is taking characters from a great many FO:E stories and applying them to their own, some as cameos and others as major players in the events. Part of the problem is that I don’t actually know how many of these characters are indeed from others stories or are original to Survivor’s Guilt. That being said, I feel like the author is attempting to make an Infinity War-level crossover of as many FO:E characters as they can.
This has some good sides and some bad sides. The good side is that any FO:E connoisseur will adore all the appearances. The bad side is that literally every other reader is going to be lost. You can tell these characters are supposed to be important, but you have no idea how. I’m still somewhat okay with this move, but there are more issues. For one, the lack of time and attention given to any one scene or event means that most of these characters will fly past, giving us no time to appreciate them or get to know them. The far worst scenario is the total revision of FO:E lore they bring about.
In the author’s defense, I have no idea if these changes are their own work or that of the stories from which they are taking their material. Some of the changes are indeed extreme and will jar those who only know one or two stories. How would readers of Project Horizons feel if somehow a beloved characters was not dead, but another one was? How can anyone not scratch their heads when a character, supposedly from an entirely different author’s universe, shows up as an alicorn with news that Canterlot didn’t fall because of the Zebras at all? What if you were told that entire story arcs in another story never happened in this one? All of this and more will occur, and it will thoroughly confuse you unless you’re in on every single one of the stories RuinQueenofOblivion is pulling from. The end result is that this story will appeal only to a niche audience of die-hard FO:E fandom readers. Again, I’m not saying any of this is bad, it’s just something a reader has to be prepared for.
There’s also the matter of the adventure… or perhaps, lack of it. Most combat scenes are relegated to something along the lines of “we took them out and then kept going”. This is a side effect of the author’s lack of atmosphere and emotive presence. Battles are wild, challenging, emotional events most of the time, but RuinQueenofOblivion would rather skip all that and tell you after-the-fact that it was a rough experience. The result is that most fights are downright boring. Which is a problem, as these are supposed to be the most interesting and pivotal moments of all. Tacked on to this is how every character can be redeemed in some way. Heck, the big final villain surrenders without firing a shot! So much for an epic conclusion.
Which brings the big psychological ignorance of the story itself. Bad guys who spent the entire story (and decades prior to it) being evil and murdering untold innocents suddenly give up and, after a little time in a holding cell, declare they’ve seen the light – and the reader is expected to believe it. In almost every situation, Scootaloo can walk up to a character and say something along the lines of “Hey, I have no evidence of this and don’t know you, but I’m telling you everything you know is wrong and you need to let me do this important thing that will get you into a ton of trouble but you can trust me, here’s some canned words of wisdom” and the response is almost universally “Sounds good, I’ll trust you. My entire outlook on life is different now!” How about Blackjack (yes, that Blackjack) giving up ten years of drunken self-destruction and sex just because Scootaloo walked into her room and said “You need to get your life back on track.” Or a character, who we meet literally in the final act and barely know for a few short days and mostly only as a psychopath, suddenly deciding to be Scootaloo’s friend and fight for the side of good for… uh… just because, I guess? The entire story is like this, and I have barely scratched the surface of the possible examples I could list.
Once more, the problem stems from the author’s literary ADHD. Very few of the characters are given any amount of time to really grow, be recognized, and form a relationship with Scootaloo and the readers, but the story is written such that you’re expected to believe otherwise. All too often, random characters pop up out of nowhere (often with contrived explanations for why) and we’re supposed to remember who they are when we’ve not had a chance to let them grow on us, so the response is less “Hey, they’re back!” and more “Uh, who is this again?”
All told, RuinQueenofOblivion is trying to do too much. They could have achieved a similar story with far more emotional impact and immersivity if they’d focused less on squeezing in fifty cameos and more on working with a handful of characters as the center of the story. There are some interesting ideas, but the writing strangles them by being too fast and trying to get too much fan pandering done. None of the characters are utilized to their full potential, and that’s a shame. The story may have a far more positive atmosphere than its predecessors, but I’m afraid it’s a step back in a lot of ways.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Stitch in Time
69,934 Words
By Eakin
Sequel to Hard Reset
Twilight thought her nightmare was over. Generally speaking, it is. Until she finds out that her looping through time before has torn up the fabric of reality, which needs fixing if the universe isn’t going to be destroyed in the next two or three centuries. But Twilight’s not an expert at time magic. She needs help. To this end she creates a spell to summon any pony who might be qualified to give it to her. She certainly wasn’t expecting it to pull Starswirl the Bearded 1,600 years through time for the purpose. Or for him to be a total asshole.
This was delightful. And also quite dark. It focuses heavily on Twilight’s efforts to move on from her traumatic experience and be ‘normal’ again. Star Swirl gets his time to shine too, gradually shifting from a mean, self-centered jerk to a proper friend and pony. Along the way we are treated to Equestrian history lessons, Twilight struggling to figure out how romance works (not with Starswirl, mind you), a smattering of magical theory, great character moments for all involved, and a very brief jump to a particularly hideous timeline. It all comes together to form a nice whole.
There is one caveat: you need to have read the previous story. This is a true sequel, in that everything happening is because of prior events. Hard Reset will be referenced throughout the story, making it very likely you’ll be lost without it. This is especially true of the alternate ending, which turns out to not be mere bonus material after all.
Which, come to think of it, is a bit of a hole in the plot: if this timeline happened, why doesn’t Twilight remember it? Uh… handwave?
This story has a little bit of everything. Drama for the those looking for a generally good story. Romance for the shippers (but in Twilight’s case, not a typical or expected one). Action for those looking for a little adventure. Terror and gruesome alternatives for the sadficionados and horror fans (and yes, it gets extremely dark). Light bouts of comedy here and there to keep things from going off the deep end. Like the previous story, but in an entirely different way, it works in a way that gives a little something to everyone. Which is yet again impressive.
Then you get that cliffhanger ending.
I am satisfied. More importantly, I’m eager to continue. Eakin knows how to play the sequel bait trick well, and I’m more than happy to bite. Here’s hoping either of the sequels are as good as this, because I’m really enjoying this series so far.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hard Reset — WHYRTY?
Facebook Buys Ponyville — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
A Moment in the Sun — Chengar Qordath
Felt Heart by Tchernobog
The Curious Incident of the (Robot) Dog in the Night-time by Bradel
Career Advice by Tennis Match Fan
Closure by FamousLastWords
Bring Me the Heads of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! by CCC
They Come At Night by PegasusMesa
If You Can't Beat 'Em… by horizon
Cold Comfort by EbonQuill
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'A' hotel stay on the way? We drove from Kansas, pushed it fairly hard, and had to make two that first year we went. Second year, flying. Third year, we're... um... I'm not sure yet, but I am going.
I guess when it comes to showing vs telling, you have to strike the right balance between the two.
Something I’ll never do. lol
Okay, I'm going to approach this as tactfully as I can.
First off, yeah I admit I suck at fight scenes, which is why I tried to avoid them wherever I could. That was my biggest failing and continues to be my biggest failing. And to address your comment about Cloud Chaser's surrender, you also have to remember it was on the tail end of a major battle that he was on the losing end of.
Blackjack is an odd example really, and for the record, I actually had Somber's permission to go ahead with this kind of thing... maybe I could've done a better job with it honestly.
Also, I don't focus on catchphrases (except in superhero based fiction but that's something else entirely), I just have a certain style of dialogue that sometimes bleeds in, and yeah... I guess I do have my characters sigh too much.
Cameos, yeah probably could've been handled better, I think I was trying to make it too much this massive world-spanning war without major spoilers for those who are just picking the story up and haven't read the other stories in the same universe. Yeah, not my best idea really...
Some things, like Cricket's change of heart, were not entirely my idea, I had two co-writers you have to remember and that was the direction Cricket's writer felt she should go. There is some stuff peppered in there about her reasons of course, and unfortunately because of the mostly first person perspective that can be hard to show.
But here's the thing... Fallout, and yes even Fallout: Equestria, has always been at it's best when it comes to moral grey areas. Winter Breeze is not a villain, she's an antagonist, simply meaning she is in opposition to the heroes. The entire point of Winter and the Enclave in the story is to be a counter to the traditional depiction of the Enclave. Less John Henry Eden and more Augustus Autumn. She's not supposed to be a monster, she's supposed to be a villain of the piece, a foil to Scootaloo in that regard. She wants to do the right thing for the Pegasi and Equestria even if she has to muddy her hooves to do so, which is why the attack on Thunderhead broke her enough to order the ceasefire. In this regard, I'm going to be frank, you kinda missed the point.
I definitely do not have a stance of there's no such things as evil, trust me on this one I know there is evil. But that wasn't the point, the point was that things aren't black and white, that there can be a middle ground. I have evil villains, but this wasn't supposed to be about evil, it was supposed to be about looking at things from a different perspective, and the grey area of morality.
Could I have done a better job? Sure, but I feel I made the point I wanted to make adequately even if I could use improvement in places.
Also for the record, my username is taken from a Yu-Gi-Oh card, I know it sounds angsty but I wanted a female monster name and that's what I went with:
Card
I do want to say thank you for the review though. If I ever go back and edit Survivor's Guilt, which I probably will someday, or at least slowly, I'll at least try and do better with the sighing thing, but honestly I don't know.
Thanks.
I agree with a lot of what you said about Every Mare Needs Her Stallion, which is exactly why I think it didn't do much for me. It was a story where I could appreciate that it was well-executed, and admire the author for it, but it just wasn't the kind of thing I want to read. I'm all for stories where you can read through multiple times and walk away with an enriched experience compared to only reading once, but I don't like feeling like I need to do that to get the story at all, and this one definitely made me feel like one read wasn't enough. That one read was still pretty good, though.
Cool, I’m going to see you at BronyCon!
Thanks for the review! Glad you liked my story.
Another possibility is that this story was published in early 2014. It used to be that anonymous readers could vote/comment on stories, but at one point, knighty changed the rules such that you had to be a registered user to do so. A ton of comments and votes got axed, but not the views—the site still counts views from people who aren't logged in—and there are quite a few from that era that look like they don't have a reasonable number of votes for the views. I don't remember exactly when that was, but if the great sundering came after this, that's probably the biggest reason.
Mount Le Conte? I have been there that was fun to stay at the hotel on the top of the mountain. I can understand the concern about feeling too tired to make it up the mountain to stay in a hotel but just know that there are several paths you can take up the mountain and they are of different skill levels. The one I took last time (sadly I cannot remember the name of it though Dad probably does) was I think 5 miles and not bad at all from what I remember. I also think there is a another trail that donkeys are mules are taken up with the supplies though I forget if they give rides or not.
Still I get it that might be too much on a long trip but have you considered Gatlinburg or Pigeon Forge? Yes Gatlinburg is a tourist trap but it is a classic and fun tourist trap and there is a lot to do there (sadly I believe Hill Billy miniature golf is gone now due to the recent natural disaster they had there I think it was a fire but it was fun you went up the mountain in a a mine cart train and then played mini golf down the mountain). There are a lot of options there to do and traditionally lots of places to stay in many price ranges and quality and you are right at the entrance to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park if you want to see anything there.
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How do you define "pushed it very hard"? My family has made 14-16 hour trips in one day in the past. Granted, those were with my dad driving, and that man loves driving. He loves it so much that now in his retirement he goes daily on a 2-3 hour driving trip just for the sake of doing it. But from my analysis, I would be doing similar such trips if I wanted to go to Baltimore and get there with just one hotel stay.
That being said, I wouldn't be opposed to making it two hotel stays. More sights to see, right?
5031191
It is indeed a challenging balance to achieve.
5031200
I appreciate the desire for tact. To your points...
Okay, so Cloud Chaser was at the end of a long, hard-fought battle. If you want to go true Fallout and Fallout: Equestria, you don't give up just because the big fight's lost. There's always another battle, always a backup plan, always a willingness to continue. Sometimes it's just plain madness, sometimes it's unfiltered ambition, sometimes it's an unquenchable hate, but the bad guy doesn't give up just because they're losing. Was your approach to Cloud Chaser realistic? Sure. Was it Fallout? No.
Yes, Fallout and Fallout: Equestria address the matter of shades of grey, and that's fine. But they also had their unrepentant, hate-filled, If-I'm-Going-Down-I'm-Taking-You-With-Me baddies, usually as the most significant villains. That could—and I argue should—have been Cloud Chaser.
Blackjack isn't an odd example at all, nor am I opposed to you using her, with or without permission. What I was opposed to was the idea that a character can turn around their entire lifestyle just because someone said a few words to them. There's no apparent catalyst to Blackjack's complete turnaround, she just does it because... uh... because Scootaloo said Glory's alive despite a decade and no evidence? Not buying it. You don't emerge from a stupor like that without some serious effort and a time, neither of which are apparent here.
Regarding the catchphrases, yeah, I didn't think you intended them to be catchphrases. Just be aware that your characters are all saying roughly the same things throughout the entire story, usually multiple times per chapter. A little flexibility in word choice (dialogue and narrative) goes a long way.
Yeah, the cameos. Again, not a bad idea on the whole, I just felt like you were being a bit heavy-handed with it. One option might have been to be less concentrated on these individual characters. As in, let them have their appearance, but don't make them feel like important characters. If you don't highlight them when they show up, readers who don't know who they are won't feel confused, lost, or annoyed. At the same time, leave the right clues so the readers who know the characters can say "Hey, it's you!" can get a little joy in the fact. It's a way to appeal to both sides of the equation.
I honestly find the idea of having other people write what characters say and do a very risky venture. Getting advice on what they'd do and all is great, but letting someone else write scenes and dialogue in the story? I dunno about that. I think you could have pulled it off, but only if you'd given Cricket a lot more screen time than she ultimately received. Gambit also struggled a little, but I thought her material was reasonable and acceptable because we got more time to get to know her (even if the whole 'Princess Gambit' thing comes completely out of left field).
I don't know why you're explaining Winter Breeze's nature to me. She's obviously in the moral grey area. I didn't miss that at all, and I'm confused that you think I did. I was talking about Cloud Chaser, this big bad villain who does all these big bad things, like outright mass murder, who spends a little time in jail and, hey, he's been thinking, and maybe being a total monster wasn't the right idea. Yeah, no. Monsters don't stop becoming monsters because they've had a little time to think. You clarified Winter Breeze's situation, gave us background, showed us where she's coming from. Cloud Chaser's just an asshole. At least, that's all we've ever seen of him, so we have no reason whatsoever to believe he can be reformed just like that.
A female monster name? Does a fairy count as a monster in the traditional sense? I never really thought of a fairy as a 'monster'. I mean, Maleficent was a fairy and a monster, but she wasn't a monster because she was a fairy.
No! Don't do it! Down that way lies madness!
I never recommend going back to fix stories. I prefer to look at them as lessons learned and evidence of progress. Fixing typos is one thing, but going beyond that? I can't imagine going back and 'updating' an existing, completed story when I could be making more, better stories using the lessons learned. At best, I'd do (and have done) a rewrite. Then again, Survivor's Guilt is pretty big for a rewrite. Maybe editing would be the better option in such a case. But I'd still prefer making new material, material that people are actually going to see because it's new, than going back and 'fixing' old material that most of the site's going to ignore anyway.
5031330
Huh, I forgot all about that. Considered as an alternative. Too bad said alternative makes me feel even more dumb regarding the contents of the story.
5031371
Oh, I did my research. The shortest route is the Alum Cave Trail at 5-1/2 miles. Some people said it was within a beginner's field of possibility, others rated it as extremely hard. Didn't know who to believe. But my real concern is knowing I have a long drive (think 8 hours or more) then have to walk the thing to get to the lodge. Then I have to walk back down and take a potentially longer drive to get home. It'd be different if I could spend a whole day going up and a whole day going down without having to face a few hundred miles of driving immediately afterwards.
...but if I did decide to extend my vacation by an extra day and shorten my daily drive time, it might be feasible. I'll have to think about it.
I was thinking of going to Clingman's Dome as an alternative due to its much easier accessibility. If I did chose to do that, I'd be staying in Gatlingburg.
This all depends upon how much effort I want to put into the drive from Baltimore. A one-night stay would mean much less time to do anything, and a couple hours touring Clingman's Dome might be all I'd have time for. A two-night/three day trip would give me the time and comfort necessary to dare Le Conte (which, frankly, is what I really want to do).
There's also the matter of the convention and how long I intend to be there. I'm not sure there's any need to book a stay for the entire convention. And if I did a shorter stay at said convention, that would free up time to do other things like Le Conte. But until the Convention website puts up more information about what is happening when, I have no way of knowing how long I want to stay. Which is extremely frustrating, because I want to book my stay as early as possible (meaning right-the-heck now).
5031406
Yeah, in retrospect maybe going the more realistic route could've been handled differently. Ultimately you have to remember Cloud Chaser was broken by the loss of his wife and eldest daughter in the Battle of Neighvarro, and the battle was lost. Yeah, I guess if you look at it from the perspective of it needs to end like that then you have a point, but its kinda too late now as you said.
Interesting note, Blackjack and Glory's daughter Go Fish in the immediate sequel to Survivor's Guilt The Great Hoard (which I don't know if I'd recommend to you or not, it's basically one big treasure hunt story set in a post-apocalyptic world to do worldbuilding and wrap up one loose end from the war), exhibits a lot of Blackjack-like traits which you can't just inherit and have to learn, which suggests that she may not have changed as much as she thought... oh well.
Cricket you also have to remember, much like Scootaloo, was motivated by her family, or her perceived loss of it. She had found out that her daughter survived and she had descendants, though looking back that may not have healed her as fast as it suggested. Yeah, again she's not my character, and the downside to the mostly first person view is that you can't always show that kind of thing. We've talked about doing an anthology story of sorts talking about events throughout the war that didn't make it into the original story, so that is a possibility.
Yeah, I don't know why I thought you criticized Winter, sorry, my bad.
Okay, Monster in Yu-Gi-Oh is a general term for the cards that are used to fight one another in order to win the game, usually. Though, if you look at the general implied backstory of Ruin, yeah she's evil... like seriously, she's associated with the end of the world... wow I picked a dark card.
And yeah I mostly meant typos and small things... anything else would be insane... and also confusing because someone is currently doing a reading of it.
5031486
I don't see how him losing his wife and daughter and then losing this battle makes any difference in how it ended. I mean, sure, you could say he was just tired physically and emotionally and thus gave up. But you can just as easily have defeat only amplify his frustration, his rage, and his willingness to keep fighting. Losing his wife and daughter has no bearing on which direction it goes.
Ah, so when you said "monster" you were speaking strictly in Yu-Gi-Oh terminology. That makes a lot more sense. I don't know jack about Yu-Gi-Oh, so I had no idea. I was a Magic: The Gathering kid.
5031398 When we drove to EFNW/Bronycon, we only drove during the day. I'm married. My wife has all the enthusiasm for getting up in the morning and jumping in the car as I do for leaping into alligator pits. If we drove for 8 hours, it was pretty good for the day, and included an hour or two stopping to pick up rocks, go to the Corn Palace and Wall Drug, or some other tourist stop. We did do the San Antonio to Manhattan run (Kansas, that is) in one fairly long 14 hour run though, but that was going back home, and once we crossed the Kansas state line, I wasn't going to stop for a hotel. My bed! Mine!
5031371 Pike's Peak has a cog railroad that runs to the top, and really agressive hikers (not me, no way, no how) seem to take off every morning to go in a long ant-like line up the mountain and ride the railroad down. (checks the website) Until last year when they closed the railroad, after 126 years of operation. Ye gads. It's busses or nothing now, I guess. The railroad was one of the best parts of our Colorado trip. I'm going to miss it.
5031579
Yeah, my family is a bit more... is practical the right word? Anyway, we’re quite accustomed to 8-12 hour drives across the country. Wake up, get breakfast, get in the car, get going. If we have to get up at 3 AM to do it, so be it. You’ll hear no complaints. My last vacation was me and my parents just driving around the Colorado/Utah/Arizona/New Mexico corner for hours, stopping at the occasional interesting site for an hour or two before moving on. Ouray, CO was a very charming community, might I add.
It’ll be even easier for me since I’ll be entirely on my own and for once not limited to someone else’s schedule, convention notwithstanding.
5031411
About the conference, they generally don't put out an agenda until a week or two beforehand. So if you're waiting to see what the schedule looks like, everything will be booked up. You might just have to bite the bullet and commit to staying for the whole thing or accepting that whatever you miss, you'll just have to miss.
You sound like you could actually tolerate staying at my house, like Dubs Rewatcher did a couple years. It means a nearly 2-hour drive each way every day, but you're conditioned not to mind that. But if you wait to see if I have a room available, you may run into the same issue of everything getting booked up.
5031666
Well, thanks for that warning. Considering there’s a strong possibility I’ll be on a panel this year and I have no idea what day that panel is going to take place, the bullet will have to be bitten. On the positive side, this means I can go ahead and book all my other hotels for the drive now, too.
Well, I’m a very private person with a large personal comfort bubble. And one of my little quirks is a serious anxiety regarding being an inconvenience to others. Plus if your location is such that it adds two more hours to the drive back (a critical juncture if I’m going to do that Mount Le Conte hike), it could make things all the more tricky.
That being said, none of those things trump my worries about how Baltimore appears to be in an intense rivalry with Chicago for the title of Crime Capital of the U.S.A. If you’re living in a relatively safe area compared to, say, the hotel right next to the convention center, then I would seriously consider the opportunity. A two-hour drive and being a guest in an unfamiliar house is nothing compared to that peace of mind.
5031681
I live south of Baltimore, but not directly between there and Texas, so it wouldn't take the full 2 hours off your drive, but it would probably knock an hour off it anyway, depending on which route you took. At the least, it would be a wash. I'll have to see if wifey knows yet whether she's going to be able to visit her parents that week. The biggest drawback is that I can't stay for the really late stuff (and last year they inexplicably put quite a few of the writing panels rather late and, well, just generally shafted the writing track in general) because when you factor in 3 1/2 hours of driving between leaving at night and getting back in the morning, it can lead to a distinct lack of sleep. And because the parking garage charge goes way up if I'm not out by midnight.
For that matter, take the opportunity to do some other things around town while you're there, just because, or if there's a lull in the schedule where nothing in particular interests you. The Baltimore Aquarium is nice and just a few blocks away. So's the B&O Railroad Museum, and Camden Yards is right there if you like baseball (I haven't checked yet to see if the Orioles are at home that weekend). There's a Six Flags not far away in Crofton, the downside being that it's in Crofton.
5031689
I have a thing for aquariums, so that’s definitely an option, and I’d be interested in the museum. If I’m going to be there the full four days, I might as well, because I honestly don’t think I’m going to be interested in everything the convention offers the whole time. Plus if I do end up fighting the convention’s schedule I might just want a day to rest up.
So I’d definitely like to take you up on the offer. Looking at the hotels and how fast they’re apparently getting booked, I was originally planning to reserve a stay at the end of the month when I know exactly what I can afford. But if this is a done deal... well, I’ll have a lot more options as far as things to do. Heck, I’ll even pay you rent for the stay.
Thanks for the review on Falling Leaves. Glad you enjoyed.
The multi-chapter is because I tend to only write in short bursts and lets me get those bits out.
It's unfortunate that life hasn't really let me work on finishing the sequel yet, but have fingers crossed that a breather is coming and I'll finally get to turn the notes into story soon. :P
That was literally my starting point. Everything else was just having fun with that and working through some personal stuff. It's polarising, for sure, and I've never really cared save that The Boy Who Cried Wolf should have been the story to get that many views. Eh, shippers...
Anyway, I'm only here because I had the random desire to re-read my old stuff and I spotted some reviews I hadn't seen. Thanks for being so unrelentingly blunt, Paul. And yes, I am loving that old stuff. I actually used to be good at this shit! Seems like so long ago.
Hope life is treating you well,
-M
5638324
"I'm starting to think shippers make up a sizeable portion of the fandom."
"A sizeable portion? My friend, shippers are the fandom."
Always a pleasure to see you, M! Even if it's only for a brief visit to check out your old stuff, which I can certainly understand. Hope moving on to other things has worked out for you.