Paul's Thursday Reviews CXLXV · 9:14pm Apr 4th, 2019
Before anything else: Novel Idea needs help finding a new home. Check it out and help if you can, or Rarity will be most cross with you. 
The past couple weeks have been full of frustrating failures. Realizing I haven’t produced anything new since January, I tried to put up a few short stories, but every one sputtered and died after a page or two. Including a contest entry, which I usually find so inspiring (sorry, Laureate). My brain is stewing with fresh ideas, like always, but every time I get started on something I find myself disappointed with the development.
I know what this is. I’ve been through it before. Getting out of it requires a certain dedication and is never easy. But at least I know what to do. The first step is to finish reformatting Bulletproof Heart into book form for the convention. I think it’s working on these book formats for my stories that got me started with this problem in the first place, so it makes sense to me to get it done and out of the way before I try anything else. Once I have that done and the three books ordered, then I’ll focus on getting out of this rut I’ve found myself in. Until then I doubt I’ll be producing anything, be it new chapters from existing stories or new stories.
Don’t worry about me, folks. I’m in a bit of a slump, but I’ll bounce back. It’ll just take some time, is all.
Let’s have some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
A Moment in the Sun by Chengar Qordath
Felt Heart by Tchernobog
The Curious Incident of the (Robot) Dog in the Night-time by Bradel
Career Advice by Tennis Match Fan
Closure by FamousLastWords
Bring Me the Heads of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! by CCC
They Come At Night by PegasusMesa
If You Can't Beat 'Em… by horizon
Cold Comfort by EbonQuill
Every Ship Needs an Anchor by adoptpetz
Total Word Count: 93,042
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 3
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
A Moment in the Sun
26,228 Words
By Chengar Qordath
I very much wanted to read the Freeport Venture series, but as is so often the case I also wanted to start at the beginning. That meant going all the way back to 2014 and A Moment in the Sun. I can already tell my advancement in this series is going to be painfully slow.
At any rate, this story is a reimagining of Sunset Shimmer’s departure from Canterlot. It retells how Sunset and Celestia first met, how Sunset reacted to the arrival of Cadance, and her ultimate fight with Celestia, culminating in her taking a very different path when she left (read: no magic mirrors into freaky alternate universes). I dare say it may be the single most emotional rendition of the topic I’ve yet to see.
Chengar Qordath demonstrates an excellent comprehension of a great many aspects of storytelling. We are rewarded with a relatable, believable Sunset, a highly emotional struggle for acknowledgement, and a genuinely touching separation of teacher and student. The pacing is perfect, the atmosphere impactful, the characters interesting. As the opening act of a much bigger universe, it is remarkably well done. It frustrates me to no end that I won’t be able to see where this is going for a very long time.
And yet I am hit with a strange feeling of déjà vu. I swear I’ve read Sunset’s argument with Cadance word-for-word somewhere else. As it was happening, I was confident I’d seen the exact same events play out step-by-step, right down to window escape. It can’t be that the author used the scene in another story, for I’ve never read a story by this author before. Did someone else copy the scene? I can’t even recall where I’ve seen it before, but I know I have and it bugs me.
That weird mystery aside, this is easily the best retelling of Sunset’s fall I’ve ever read. I’m looking forward to more from this series, even if I’ll have to wait a year or more to get there.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Felt Heart
34,587 Words
By Tchernobog
One day while visiting Canterlot, Rarity overhears Princess Luna giving Princess Celestia a doll of herself. As it turns out, this is an ancient display of affection that faded out over the last few centuries. Intrigued, Rarity decides to make one for the pony she secretly adores: Twilight Sparkle. But why stop there? Why not make a pair of dolls for each of her friends, whom she just knows (with some small degree of uncertainty) are into one another? Turns out the sharing of Felt Heart dolls may be a little riskier than she thought.
The first thing you have to do to get into this story is acknowledge the frustratingly common conceit that, by some miraculous coincidence, each of the Mane 6 is romantically interested in another of the Mane 6. Shippers like me will handwave this, because we’ll accept a lot of oddities if it means a ship is setting sail. But for everyone else, I can understand if this is a tough pill to swallow.
Once you get past that hurdle, however, what follows is an endearing little romantic comedy in which a set of dolls lead to the Mane 6 struggling to face the repercussions. The fact that most of them have no idea the true meaning behind the dolls (ancient tradition, remember?) does nothing to stop them from taking the story to its inevitable conclusion. My favorite aspect was Rainbow Dash’s nonsensical conclusions regarding how to hide the fact she and Applejack were dating even before this whole mess started, and AJ’s regular threats of no Apple Family dinners being so effective at shutting the pegasus off.
The Pinkie and Fluttershy aspects were nice as well, even if I still have some trouble seeing the two of them together (Tchernobog doesn’t really explore the ‘why’ of that one much). Then there is of course the idea of Fluttershy turning the tables on Rarity in the romantic teasing area (even if she wasn’t actually trying to tease). The Cutie Mark Crusaders and the Princesses also get plenty of nice moments, even if the princesses’ scenes were entirely tangential to the main story.
All in all, this was an endearing piece of romantic comedy. Ignoring the “Mane 6 Perfect Circle” issue, it’s a realistic but fun story that will tickle all the right places for shippers. It’s not bad for others too, what with its drama and not focusing so heavily on the obligatory aspects of traditional romances. I consider myself thoroughly entertained.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Mood Wings — WHYRTY?
In this odd story, we discover that Lyra Heartstrings and Ditzy Do are actually aliens tasked with observing Equestria’s culture under the supervision of the space vessel Love and Tolerate. Twilight Sparkle is constantly trying to catch them in the act. Pinkie Pie is almost certainly on to them, but seems content to let them be. They do their job as best they can, working hard to keep their roles secret. This would be easier if their storage cache of supplies wouldn’t keep getting discovered, or close to it. The culprits this time? The CMC, and they took something with them when they left.
This was a delightful bit of science fiction humor. I have no idea who this Iain M. Banks is, but I am very interested in locating their book series this is based on. The story mostly involved Ditzy and Lyra dealing with the latest trial, which includes creating explosions on an otherwise explosion-free Equestria, keeping “Twilight effing Sparkle” off their trail, and being continuously frustrated by their ocular implants. All for the sake of getting back a dumb (robot) dog from three fillies. It’s perfectly understandable that Love apparently loves its job.
I have no complaints. Give this a go if you’re feeling like some scifi humor.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Twilight Sparkle Investigates — Pretty Good
Career Advice
1,033 Words
By Tennis Match Fan
Coloratura is staying at Applejack’s place for the remainder of her stay in Ponyville. On the first night, Sweetie Belle comes by to ask a question: if somepony wants to be a singer but doesn’t have the cutie mark for that specifically, how can she achieve that dream?
This is extremely short and extremely simple. It’s not a moment of big revelations or life lessons, it’s just Sweetie asking a question and Coloratura answering. Very realistic, without any of that drama stuff one expects out of stories. How the audience takes this will depend upon said audience. If you came here expecting Coloratura to have some great wisdom to impart on a future peer, you’ll probably be disappointed. If you came to see a filly ask a legit question and Coloratura give a quick answer, here you go.
It’s not a bad story, just… unorthodox.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Closure
2,139 Words
By FamousLastWords
Spike is practicing his piano at the store Octavia… runs? Owns? Works for? Whatever, point is he’s there and practicing and suddenly a wild Coloratura appears to play a duet with him.
Ostensibly, this is supposed to be about Spike learning to have a little more confidence on stage. Seeing as they do absolutely nothing to solve that problem in reality, it’s really just a chance for Coloratura and Spike to play a duet together and act as if it means something special for both of them. Oh, I’m sure FamousLastWords intended it to be some big special thing, but you’re never going to convince me this whole ‘imagine you’re in a packed auditorium’ thing works like that.
Don’t get me wrong, the idea behind the story is great. The author just approached it in some odd ways that don’t mesh with reality. You don’t get over your stage fright by sitting in an empty music store and playing piano, regardless of who your playing partner is. Nor am I buying the idea that Coloratura—the biggest name in Equestrian music, who is still popular enough that she can’t so much as cross the street without getting mobbed by raving fans—somehow doesn’t have enough reputation, pull in the industry, and raw money-making power to attract a new producer and keep going on tours. Quite the contrived excuse to get her back in Ponyville, author. To hurt the immersion even more, 90% of the story is dialogue, what little narrative we find is telly, and the supposedly riveting moment in Spike’s life is confined to a mere 125 words.
FamousLastWords, a few tips: learn how to show, try to compliment the dialogue with narrative action so the characters aren’t talking in a blank space, and come up with reasons behind your characters’ actions and emotions that make sense in the real world. Good luck.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
I'm Lost Without You — Worth It
Bring Me the Heads of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!
16,133 Words
By CCC
Thanks to Celestia’s idiocy and Twilight’s (profoundly) bad decision, Tirek has won. The princesses are trapped in Tartarus and the Mane 6 (plus Discord and Spike) are chained to the new monarch’s throne. He’s ‘discorded’ the royal guard into loyally serving him and he’s got everything under control. There are only two problems. First, there’s this pesky nation-wide rebellion going on being led by some mysterious group called the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Second, Tirek apparently went to the same school of villainy as Dr. Evil, making him rather ill-suited to… well, being a villain.
This is much more like it, CCC! The story ends up being a fun little ride in which the Mane 6 and Discord make Tirek look like an idiot while the CMC and Zecora work together right under his nose to end his reign. Highlights include Big Mac being able to trounce Daring Do in a fight without breaking a sweat, Tirek trying to torture a dragon with fire, and a tortoise that just wants some water. It’s brand of silliness is show-accurate, making for an entertaining little adventure. My only regret is that we didn’t get to see Rainbow’s reaction to the fate of her (apparently expensive) cloud home. Oh, and that Cheese Sandwich scene, which served no purpose whatsoever except perhaps fan pandering.
It might seem like a long story, but don’t worry. CCC keeps things interesting enough throughout such that it’ll be over before you know it. It hits all the right notes without ever having to be taken too seriously. This isn’t what I expected (honestly, I didn’t know what to expect), but what I got is leagues above what I’ve read by this author so far. CCC, write more like this, please.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Changeling — Worth It
Discord Applies For Citizenship Papers — Needs Work
They Come At Night
1,859 Words
By PegasusMesa
I kept expecting the name Miles to come up.
In this bit of creepiness, we find an unnamed mare living alone in a cabin in the woods. Every night, a pair of hands appear at her lone window. Every night, something attacks her front door. She knows the hands will keep her safe from whatever is out there.
They Come At Night uses allusion to bring us into a mind tormented by what I can only assume is domestic abuse. It is clear that the mare in this story is suffering and broken. How long before ponies realize what has happened and come to investigate? The story maintains a constant sense of creepiness and uncertainty even as it gives you all the hints you need to understand what’s really happening. It combines subtlety and directness in great ways, showing once more that PegasusMesa knows how to handle this kind of fiction.
This was a thoroughly enjoyable bit of dark fiction, hitting all the right buttons. If you like mysteries, hints of the supernatural, and deeper underlying meaning, this will definitely be for you.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
What Goes Up — WHYRTY?
La Petite Mort — Worth It
If You Can't Beat 'Em…
1,388 Words
By horizon
Twilight is trying to solve a Friendship Problem. This would be much easier if Starlight Glimmer would stop shadowing her everywhere she goes. Surely, Starlight must be up to something evil.
Somehow, “not what I expected” doesn’t quite cut it. FIMFiction needs a Crackfic tag.
This is nothing more than an increasingly ridiculous series of Starlight sightings. No, really, that’s it. I was okay with this until horizon took us into the depths of the ocean and the moons of Saturn. But I’m not going to hold the stupidness of this story against the author. Everyone wants to have a little silly fun now and again, I just prefer my fun to be more realistic. And the narrative is entertainingly witty, so kudos there.
Not a bad bit of nonsense. This would have done better for me if horizon had kept it on the ground, but I’m sure most everyone else will find it unerringly hilarious.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hearth Swarming Eve — WHYRTY?
The Iridescent Iron Rat — WHYRTY?
The Last Dreams of Pony Island — WHYRTY?
Social Lubricant — Pretty Good
The Lotus Eaters — Pretty Good
Cold Comfort
1,318 Words
By EbonQuill
Sonata reads Aria’s fortune. Aria plays along. It’s hard to say whose idea it was, but I imagine Adagio’s going to want her bedsheets back.
Two-thirds silly short and one-third a look at Aria’s history, this story is odd but good. It basically consists of exactly what you’d expect, with Sonata trying (somewhat) to take her role seriously and Aria just wanting to get it over with. What’s really interesting is that, despite her annoyance with Sonata’s manner, Aria takes the fortune reading seriously.
Even more interesting is the reveal that once, long ago, Aria was a fortune teller herself. Not the joking kind like Sonata’s being here, but the kind people pay real money for help figuring things out. It’s a curious slant that gives the story a bit more edge than just ‘make fun of fortune tellers’.
I really like this aspect of it. The fic that could have been just a bunch of silly fun (and it still is at its core) becomes a slice-of-life comedy featuring a brief window into the history of the Tsundiren (that’s Tsundere + Siren, for those of you confused). Honestly? I would have been fine with just the silly elements. But adding the hint of history in there makes this a step higher in quality as a story, and I wholeheartedly approve.
Also, I second Aria’s curiosity as to how Sonata did that trick at the end.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Little Truths — Pretty Good
Slouching Towards Canterlot — Worth It
Every Ship Needs an Anchor
3,961 Words
By PaisleyPerson
Poor Saltwater Shrimp lives up to his name. He’s a tiny, scrawny thing who is attacked regularly by the school bully, Rancid. After a particularly bad beating, Saltwater’s father commands him that it’s time to finally stand up to Rancid. Saltwater is not enthusiastic, convinced that such a thing will only get him beaten worse. But when he comes to school to face the music, he finds that Rancid has a new toy: a transfer student.
Behold the empowering effects of girls with pixie cuts!
This is a cutie mark story, plain and simple. It’s a little direct, having no real theme beyond standing up for others. Still, it’s not a bad story at all. It is, to me, a clear demonstration of how far this author has come in their writing. The plot makes sense, events flow naturally, the pacing and characters feel real. I am so very pleased by adoptpetzPaisleyPerson’s progress.
There’s still the caveat that the story is largely unmemorable. It’s a ‘stand up to the bully’ story, and those are a dime a dozen. The fact that it’s 100% OC is a double-edged sword. For one, it means adoptpetzPaisleyPerson doesn’t have to fret over canonicity, as nothing that happens to our favorite characters can interfere with these events. At the same time, having no familiar names means that fewer people will be interested in reading the story, which can be seen by how this has less than ~130 readers at the time of this review’s writing.
I’m glad to see the author getting so much better at writing. I feel that at this point they could write that massive epic and make something decent out of it. Alas, just when it seems adoptpetzPaisleyPerson is hitting her stride, she seems to have quit the site. Which is understandable, considering how little attention she’s garnered in three-and-a-half years of work. But I hope that, someday, we’ll see more from this author, with something that will finally give her some limelight.
EDIT: It appears adoptpetzPaisleyPerson has returned, and changed their name while they’re at it. Here’s hoping this means a new wave of stories are incoming.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Home — Worth It
My Scrappy Little Mutt — Worth It
The Seventh Element — None
Stories for Next Week:
Princess Twilight Sparkle's 505th Birthday by Autumnschild
She's Definitely Got The Mane For It by Dilos1
A Mare's Last Heat by Michael Hudson
Why Can't I Be Your Rara? by Oroboro
Paper Promises by Fervidor
Firebird Dahlia by The Albinocorn
Return of the Rainbow Warrior by Rathbane
Aletheia by Foehn
Tradecraft by Taialin
The Ballad of Firebrand and Olivine by paleowriter
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Paul's Thursday Reviews CLIX
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Thanks for reviewing! That story is pretty ancient and definitely a weaker piece in hindsight. But, it's always good to reflect on the old to apply lessons to the new.
I know exactly what you mean. All I can think is that it's a callback to an official comic, but not even 50% sure.
That said, I found Freeport Venture offered nothing of what I loved about Moment, so adjust your expectations accordingly.
Also, I see them soft hands. :3
The Rainbow Warrior was very diappointing. The hypnosis scenes were so boring and flat.
Only one I've read is "Closure," and I agree with absolutely everything you said.
5038258
Given it'll be forever and again before I get to Freeport, I don't think there's any need to fret over that.
I'm not sure what you mean by the soft hands thing. Either it relates to my lack of productivity or one of my reviews. I'll assume the latter.
5038344
I think that might be a first.
5038564
They Come at Night was written for the inaugural Soft Hands contest. :V
Wow, the formatting on Curious Incident got murdered in one of the old updates. All the "speech" that appears through Ditzy's ocular implant is tagged small-caps in the bbcode and was meant to appear that way to make clear what you're looking at. I guess we stopped supporting small-caps, though.
Went back and added color to at least provide some markings for it. Honestly, I'm sorry you had to read the story the way it was. Just looking at that thing without the appropriate formatting gave me a splitting headache. Hopefully any readers coming off this review won't have it so bad.
(Also, thanks for the review!)
Quoted for truth. I make no apologies for the occasional crack idea; I'm just glad that you like the ones better where I actually tried.
Thanks for the review!
5038630
Oh hey you're still around yay!
Smallcaps is still working — Watch! Watch! has a gag based on it1 — but I guess it's possible that the tag changed. [smcaps] is what you want.
Also, footnotes are a tag now.2 But I'm not a huge fan of their formatting, so I'm still mostly doing them manually.
Oh, also, I should probably note that If You Can't Beat Em's central premise was a topical S5 joke that hasn't aged particularly well. The cover art is a (captioned) screenshot of "Amending Fences" where Starlight Glimmer was canonically in the background of the restaurant where Twilight and friends were having their reunion with Moondancer. That was a huge meme back in the day. Nobody remembers it now.
5038893
...those are the tags I was using, and they're still in the text, and I'm pretty sure they're not working.