Paul's Thursday Reviews CLX · 6:37pm May 9th, 2019
So, Monday. Nobody likes those, right? I go to work, do my usual, head home. I’m a little excited because I had just finished re-reading the first five chapters of Bulletproof Heart: Famous Last Words on Sunday and was all geared up to start chapter six. Head upstairs to my apartment, put all my stuff away, hit the power button on my desktop.
Click…
…
Click. Click click.
Click…
So, yeah. Computer wasn’t coming on. A quick inspection showed it was getting power. There’d been no blackouts. On the surface, nothing appeared to be wrong at all. It just wasn’t turning on. After realizing I lack the hardware knowledge to attempt a repair myself and doing some research, I finally decided to bring it to a local repair shop. Of course, I’m leaving right when rush hour is starting to peak, so it takes me 45 minutes to drive the 5-½ miles. Guy at the front desk tells me it’ll take 24-48 hours to start the free diagnostic. So I head home (another 45-minute drive in terrible traffic) to wait, unable to write stories or reviews. At this point I’m wondering if I’ll even be able to do a blog this week.
Next day, technician calls me at work. Good news, the computer’s working again! And since all they did was some routine diagnostic checks (read: remove/re-attach some hardware), they weren’t even going to charge me. Score! I go by after work, pick the computer up (after getting visual confirmation that, yes, it’s on), and head home with the intent of catching up on lost time. Plug the computer in, press the power button.
Click.
…
Yeeeeah. I call the technician and ask them exactly what they did. I then try it myself, to no success. After a few hours of tinkering I’m starting to consider tossing the $3,500 paperweight out the window. At long last, I give up and put the computer back together how it was. Realizing that if it ever does come on I’ll want it right where it belongs so I don’t have to risk powering it down again, I decide to put it back in my desk. I’m about to get some dinner and go to bed but, just for shits and giggles, decide to hit the power button one more time.
Click… Wirr…On goes the computer.
So… yeah. I lost three days of potential writing because of this episode, two from not having a computer at all and one spent catching back up to my reading schedule. This would happen during a Bibliophile week.
Well. For now I’m just leaving my computer on out of fear of a repeat of this nonsense.
But lucky you, you still get reviews this week. But not next week, as I’ll be on break.
Reviews.
Stories for This Week:
The Fall of Cloudsdale by dragonjek
The Secrets We Keep to Ourselves by RoyalRainbow
Flash and Trend Steal All Your Waffles by scoots2
And Then There Was One by waaaaaaah
Twisted Little Fire Starter by Luna-tic Scientist
Setting Fire to the Sky by Violetta Strings
Fallout: Equestria - The Carnival by Cascadejackal
Fulfillment by Vanilla Mocha
You Can Fight Fate by Eakin
All the Queen's Horses by Bluespectre
Total Word Count: 390,630
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
The Fall of Cloudsdale
2,538 Words
By dragonjek
When Tirek makes his appearance in Cloudsdale, the pegasi living there soon learn that magic is more important for some ponies than it is for others.
This was everything I expected. The simple summary? Nearly every pegasus in Cloudsdale is now dead. When you live in a city thousands of feet in the air, and suddenly all the magic that holds it together and allows you to stand on it and fly disappears… well, the results are inevitable. This story brings forth a callous cruelty in Tirek that the show happily ignored, and for good reason. The mass murder of an entire city isn’t exactly something one should be subjecting three-year-old girls to.
dragonjek writes the story in two parts. The first describes the technicalities of Cloudsdale’s fall: how Tirek arrived, how he lured so many pegasi to him before the attack began, and how his attack promptly lead to the destruction of the entire city within an hour. The second part is the specific experience of a father trying to find his daughter before his and her magic can fail. While each part has its merits, I honestly think the story would have been far better served if it had been handled entirely as the second half was.
What is more visceral, describing all the events at a distance or experiencing them firsthand? The answer, obviously, is the latter. With a bit more care, dragonjek could have told us everything the first half of the story did through the eyes of the father as he experiences it: Tirek’s arrival, the initial confusion, the panic, the counterattack, the realization of impending doom, the death of thousands. We could have experienced all of it directly, and Tirek’s evil would have been realized in its totality.
That’s not to say that the first half of the story is bad. Far from it, the author works hard to project the visuals and encompass the full scope of the events. It is merely that the style of it forces us to watch from a distance, thus rendering the impact dull regardless of what flowery prose one might attempt to weave. Telling the reader that a city of ponies died is nothing compared to making them live it.
Not a bad try, and a great look at something so often overlooked in Tirek’s mad quest for power. A tragic sadfic, but not quite enough to get the gold.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Music for the Mare in the Moon — WHYRTY?
The Secrets We Keep to Ourselves
3,480 Words
By RoyalRainbow
Special Agent Sweetie Drops, A.K.A. Bon Bon, comes home late one night only to discover Lyra Heartstrings up and waiting for her. Lyra’s not happy. She’s not happy at all, and now Bon Bon has to figure out a way to appease her marefriend.
This caught my eye simply because I’d never before read a story directly addressing Bon Bon’s ‘second life’ as it relates to her relationship with Lyra. While I personally don’t buy the whole ‘special agent Sweetie Drops’ gimmick they pulled in episode 100, I can’t deny it opens up some interesting storytelling potential.
Alas, this story is a struggle to read. What tense are we in? I can’t tell, because it shifts between past, present, and future tenses constantly, sometimes within the same sentence. Typos are so rampant they become far more than a mere distraction. And then there’s how most of the story is written like this:
Minutes have passed and Lyra’s sniffling has lessen significantly while Bon Bon carries on with her hugging as well as stroking her partner's two-striped mane.
Wow, but that’s a mess. RoyalRainbow, if you’re telling us more than two things in a single sentence, you’re probably telling us too much. This next one’s even worse:
Sitting on one end of the bed is a mint-colored Unicorn with a two-striped mane featuring and a white streak and a darker shade deriving from her coat and golden eyes that are both majestic and fierce to look at.
Talk about information overload. Ignoring the fact that everyone reading this already knows what Lyra looks like and so don’t need a description, this stuff really needs to be spread out into multiple sentences. Combine this with a consistently over-telly style that leaves nothing to the imagination and you’ve got a story that is a pain to get through.
The thing is, the story itself is decent. It’s all about couples being honest with one another, and its message is solid. With proper writing this could have been a ‘Pretty Good’-level piece. But with all the issues in the writing, it strains just to be readable.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Flash and Trend Steal All Your Waffles
5,940 Words
By scoots2
Flash Sentry is a crummy guard and has no idea what to do with his life. But once he met a Pink fortune teller who told him his destiny was to be the greatest waffle stealer ever. He forgot all about that for a while but, one miserable day while attending a book signing for Trenderhoof, he decides, “buck it, I’m gonna steal some waffles.” He drags Trenderhoof along. Somehow, Cheese Sandwich gets caught in the mix.
I don’t know why this idea amuses me so much. It’s random and dumb… but at the same time, there are so many idiots in the world that I can see someone actually doing something like this. And it tickles me pink. The blatant trickery of the title’s pun helps. I can totally see a reader looking at the title, misreading it, and jumping in expecting something completely different. That amuses me, too.
Even stranger is that this is apparently canonical to scoots2’s larger CheesiePie (I’m partial to Pie Sandwich, myself) story series. Totes didn’t see that coming. Luckily, no knowledge of said series is necessary to get this one at all.
It’s not my usual preference, yet this one manages to entertain. It’s full of stupid nonsense, but I guess it’s my kind of stupid nonsense? Whatever, I enjoyed it. That’s all that really matters in the end, isn’t it? Read it for a laugh and some pointless fun at the expense of Flash, Trend, and Cheese. If you’re so inclined.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Good Morning, Beautiful — Pretty Good
Say Goodnight, Pinkie — Pretty Good
Goodbye, Boneless — Pretty Good
And Then There Was One
1,417 Words
By waaaaaaah
When Pinkie sleeps, the voices in her head play.
I’ll admit I’m not 100% clear on what’s going on with this one. My best guess is that Pinkie has a large number of personalities in her head, but Pinkamena is the one she locks away in a special place due to how dangerous she is. And now something has met Pinkamena in Pinkie’s mindscape—another personality, perhaps? Something outside Pinkie’s mind? Maybe even Princess Luna?—and Pinkamena takes advantage of the opportunity to finally talk with someone.
To call this interesting would be an understatement. While the concept of Pinkamena is all old hat, this approach is unusual enough to warrant some interest. It does go into Cupcakes territory, if only referentially, but the overarching idea behind it is worth exploring a little further. It would be interesting to go on an adventure across Pinkie’s mental landscape, meeting all the personalities she has hidden in that fluffy noggin of hers.
As far as this story goes, it’s not a bad bit of darkfic. I’m afraid I entered into it with the wrong mindset and thus came out less-than-impacted, but I don’t feel that’s the author’s fault. I do feel that this story will only appeal to a limited audience, though. Pinkamena and darkfic fans, to be specific. Anyone else? Eh, mileage may vary.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author
Twisted Little Fire Starter
3,842 Words
Luna-tic Scientist failed to provide cover art.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders have acquired a survivalist’s guide from the library and are now a little deeper in the Everfree than they’re technically supposed to be. They figure they can get their survivalist cutie marks if they just follow the tips in the book! After some quick reading, they decide to try fire-starting.
With a name like that, I honestly expected something a little darker. What we get instead is just the three fillies doing typical CMC things, albeit with a slightly more realistic slant than what the show offers.
That, however, is the problem: there’s nothing else to this. No apparent lesson learned, no overarching theme, no character growth. It’s just the CMC. Being the CMC. With a Rainbow Dash cameo. Story over.
I’m not sure what Luna-tic Scientist was going for here. Maybe they just wanted to write something other than Final Solution for a change and didn’t care what said something other was. Which is fine, I suppose. Doesn’t make for a particularly riveting story, but a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. Read it if you’re interested in seeing the CMC try to start a fire, with the expected results.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Days of Wasp and Spider — WHYRTY?
It will all be over soon, Princess — Pretty Good
Setting Fire to the Sky
3,328 Words
By Violetta Strings
When Sweetie Belle can’t sleep, Rarity decides to tell her the story of Celestia and Luna’s ascension.
I guess this would equate to a headcanon dump? I’m not really sure what other purpose it serves. Celestia and Luna exist, they decide to make Equestria, skip over the parts we know, they become rulers, the end. Oh, and Sweetie gets some sleep. I’m not really seeing a point to it other than a headcanon dump.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s decently written and all. But the story doesn’t seem to have a cohesive purpose beyond its own existence. Maybe if I had a better idea of what Violetta Strings was trying for then I could provide a more directed criticism.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
An Adventure Through the Overflowingly Wordy Psyche of the Fair Princess Celestia — Worth It
Of Mirrors and Madness — Needs Work
Fallout: Equestria - The Carnival
1,911 Words
By Cascadejackal
When night falls in the Equestrian Wasteland, a mist rolls in. And within this mist, a travelling carnival. It’s got everything you could possibly want: games, food, shows, rides. All presided over by the ever-smiling proprietor, Lady Laughter. She demands no caps, expects no reward. She only wishes to keep a promise: she will make you so happy, you’ll never want to leave.
This creepy piece falls under a few niche categories, Horror and the Weird chief among them. There’s another term, a more MLP-centric one. I don’t recall what it is now, but it’s for stories that could be set in almost any universe, including the real world, and not gain or lose anything for the shift. Whether that’s a positive or a minus is up to interpretation.
Regardless, we end up with an atmospheric, moody piece about a mare who has inexplicable powers and a madness to match. You know almost instantly that there’s something wrong with this place, and the setting gradually builds to the final, disturbing reveal. Horror and darkfic fans will love this. Fans of the Weird will revel in the unsolved mysteries, such as how Lady Laughter came to be. This is, for certain, a niche story, but a very good one.
My only complaint is how Cascadejackal elected to skim over things. Was it to avoid the M rating? Was it just the style they chose? Couldn’t say, but the vague and atmospheric style of writing worked wonderfully for the majority of the story. Where I felt it slipped was with the floats of the parade, which are merely described as being maddening. This works with Lovecraftian Horrors, but not with actual, living creatures. Something more descriptive, even just the tiniest hint, would have been more effective. I feel like those could have been the crowning jewel of this black art, and the author just blew right past it.
Still, it’s a nitpick. I mean, really, a single tiny piece in the overall story. I won’t let it affect my scoring much.
In the end, there’s only one thing I wish had been revealed in this story: are the carnival goers aware? That aspect, and that aspect alone, could have turned this from a moody piece of horror to a true blood-chilling work of art.
Overall, I enjoyed this. It might not be on the same level as the last two stories by this author, but it’s a solid piece regardless. Horror fans should waste no time diving in.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Dream — WHYRTY?
Festival of Lights — WHYRTY?
Fulfillment
1,787 Words
By Vanilla Mocha
This is the story of Opalescence’s life, as told by the cat herself.
Written in a stream-of-conscience style, this story describes Opal’s origins, how she became Rarity’s pet, and ends… well, where just about every pet story ends, when you think about it. It’s also done in one long telling, with no attempt made to transition us smoothly from period to period. In some places, such as when Opal goes from being a wild kitten to Rarity’s pet, it works well. In others, such as Opal’s cushioned life to her conclusion, it feels a little rushed. Still, it all plays out nicely enough that I don’t take issue with the overall style chosen.
There are only a couple issues. The first is that the story completely ignores Opal’s characterization in the show as something of a menace. When every other animal in town, tamed or wild, is scared shitless of her very presence, you know there’s some background going on. Not to mention that she sometimes proves mean even to Rarity. As far as Vanilla Mocha’s rendition is concerned, none of that ever happened. I can see some people disapproving of this.
The second thing is this apparent understanding between Rarity and Opal. Namely, as Opal grows older she longs to go outside, something that Rarity never lets her do (apparently Vanilla Mocha forgot the weekly pet play dates too). Somehow, despite there being no indication throughout the story of it, the ending shows Rarity being aware of this desire. That moment might have been more touching otherwise.
I like the story in general. It’s decently written, though its style could have been utilized to better effect. If only the author had centered this story around Opal herself, rather than another cat that happens to resemble Opal, it would have been in my good shelf. I don’t blame someone for wanting to write a tribute piece to a beloved pet, but if that was the only goal then an OC would have been apropos.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Angel Kisses — Needs Work
First World... — Missed Audience
You Can Fight Fate
61,759 Words
By Eakin
Sequel to A Stitch in Time
And so we come to the final part of Eakin’s Hard Reset trilogy. Starting right where the previous story left off, this one reveals that the Elements of Harmony are master manipulators controlling every minute aspect of the world’s existence, including all the events of the last two stories. Their purpose? To create a universe of perfect order and harmony, of course. And if that doesn’t work? They’ll destroy the world and start over again with a new race. How unfortunate for them that Starswirl the Bearded figured out their intentions and, even worse, he’s decided to let Twilight Sparkle in on it.
This is a rapidfire conclusion of the trilogy. Rapidfire in that everything happens in this story at a quick pace, from Twilight discovering the issue to the final conflict against the Elements themselves. It almost feels too fast, which is strange considering how much of the story is Twilight talking with friends rather than doing any adventure-y stuff. Looking back, it might just be my own interpretation, so I’ll consider it subjective and move on.
Fast or not, it’s an excellent conclusion for an excellent series. Twilight is just as much fun to watch now as she was when she was hitting Home Runs using changelings as the baseball. Better yet, this time we get an actual, solid ending with no ambiguity as to whether it’s over or not. I came away satisfied, and glad that I stuck through this one to the end. I enjoyed it so much that the entirely pointless cameo of the Doctor near the end only mildly annoyed me instead of garnering my usual overwhelming disdain. Which ought to say something.
Alas, it is over and it’s time for me to move on other Eakin sto—wait, what’s this? A side-story? Nevermind. Hopping back in soon-ish.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Stitch in Time — WHYRTY?
Hard Reset — WHYRTY?
Facebook Buys Ponyville — Pretty Good
All the Queen's Horses
304,628 Words
By Bluespectre
Sequel to Where the Sunflowers Grow
With the last story in what I like to call BlueSpectre’s Ice Saga, we find ourselves abruptly set in modern Equestria instead of the distant past. Lord Runcible Spoon is a wealthy mining magnate and proud descendant of Colonel Golden Spoon, legendary hero of the war against Nightmare Moon. But all the money and prestige in the world are of no importance to him compared to his love for his only child, Silver Spoon. But Silver suffers from a terrible sickness even the princesses cannot cure, and the only treatment is a half-measure medicine known as Wendigo’s Tears. Runcy will do anything to save his daughter from an early grave. His old friend Sunny might be able to help. For a price.
This was a bit of everything, which is not uncommon with BlueSpectre’s unusual concept of storytelling. While Runcy is sometimes viewed as the lead character, Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara both get an appreciable amount of spotlight, so much so that at times it feels like they are the main characters instead of him. Along the way we get to see Twilight and Spike investigating strange diaries, Trixie attempting to escape from dangerously advanced Diamond Dogs, the return of the wendigo, changeling schemes, schoolyard politics, secret Masonic earth pony organizations plotting war, and who knows what else I’m forgetting?
If that sounds like a whole lot with nothing to do with each other, you’d be half-right. There’s one thing that BlueSpectre is certainly good at, and that is weaving seemingly unrelated plot threads together. It’s more or less the same strategy the author used in Ice Fall, only without being set in the midst of war. On the one hand, it’s a testament to their plot organization.
On the other, BlueSpectre’s big weakness is a blatant unawareness of what the readers really want to see and know. This has been happening ever since the first story and continues faithfully here. Certain events demanding closure will receive none, and climactic moments will fizzle out as the story hussles us to less interesting matters like a frazzled parent sending their kids to watch Dora the Explorer instead of that awesome PG-13 action flick or RomCom. Whenever you want to see more, BlueSpectre quietly shuts the door in your face and says “Hey, why don’t we look over here, instead?” It’s every bit as frustrating as it sounds.
There’s also the verbose writing style, which at times works well and at others seems to drag on for an eternity. Let’s not forget the wall of text; this thing’s got 900+ word paragraphs. No, that’s not an exaggeration, I ran the numbers. When the term “wall of text” becomes literal, you know something is wrong. This is coupled with the blatant lack of pre-reading/editing performed. The writing is generally okay, but the typos and words changed my mind other words changed my mind again old words are abundant enough to kill immersion at all the wrong times.
These flaws are at least reduced by an abundance of interesting, strong characters. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are easily the highlights, with the former struggling to escape the shadow of her mother and the latter trying to come to terms with her legacy and the heavy expectations of her doting, overprotective parents. A shame Diamond’s development arc is forgotten long before it could be resolved, or that the both of them became little more than background ponies once the author got them physically where he wanted.
All this is the long way to say that BlueSpectre is an author with a very peculiar style. I’m not sure if this style stems from a genuine miscomprehension of what readers desire or a personal need to throw out ‘common’ storytelling techniques in favor of something unusual regardless of the inherent problems. A third possibility is a slavish devotion to keeping stories ‘realistic’, which in turn means avoiding allowing the characters and readers to understand everything that’s happening. It’s especially problematic in the early stage of the story, when it can be hard to tell how the various plot directions connect or if they connect at all, or the seeming inability of the story to progress.
BlueSpectre is an author with great ideas, a strong sense of character, and impressive ambition. If they could just temper those qualities with a less expansive format and an eye for what their readers want in a story, they could be getting far more attention than they currently have. As it is, they’re largely writing for a niche audience. I’m afraid my adoration for cute little Spectacles Horse isn’t enough to let me ignore all the issues present here.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
When The Snow Melts — Pretty Good
Ice Fall — Worth It
Tea for Two — Worth It
Where the Sunflowers Grow — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
A Faded Touch of Blue by Tofazz
Hopes and Follies by Phaoray
All Her Hopes and Dreams by sunnypack
Heart Of The Pit (A Hearth's Warming Tale) by MastermindAI
A Canterlot Wedding: Aftermath by Black Kyurem
The Manehattan Project by TheAshenKnight
Fireworks on the Farm by Donraj
The Confession of an Ardent Heart by SpitFlame
Twilight VS Anime by Lupine Infernis
Princess Twilight Sparkle's School for Fantastic Foals: Winter Break by kudzuhaiku
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...in which I discover that my natural story length is very long.
I really couldn't tell you what I was aiming for, it was that long ago. Written for one of those story competitions, I think. The one thing that came out of that short I was pleased with was the acronym FOAL, which I used for pony special forces.
Anyway, thank you for reading!
Yeah, that's sounds stressful. Hope your computer stays functional for the foreseeable future.
My computer did something similar once. Luckily, my friend was able to fix it for me.
Check to make sure your plug-in has power. Bump one switch on the power strip and you can be so embarrassed when the kids turn it back on. (Been there, done that.)
Might be a wonky power supply on the desktop, mine can't move since the plug has to be in just right. It would be easier to just light the incense and appease the machine-spirit, to be honest.
Ah! I hope you like AFToB as much as I did. :D
Well, now at least we know that there's something in the universe capable of stopping the review train! A computer failu--
...
Okay, which pagan god did you make a bloody sacrifice in the midnight woods to for your productivity?
Horizon's too humble to admit it, but his You Remind Me of You is the best of the Lyra + Special Agent genre. Highly recommended!
Thank you! I'm glad you thought The Fall of Cloudsdale was pretty good.
5055634
In my defense, I had to read something of yours while I waited for the time when I finally can get to Final Solution.
5055650
That makes two of us. Sometimes I'd like to get a new one, but there's no point when this one works almost flawlessly... and I especially don't want to have to grab one now when my finances aren't properly aligned for it! Then again, if I found what part was causing the problem I could theoretically just replace that...
5055673
Alas, my friends/family who could do so live too far away to make it a quick fix.
5055713
When the technicians ask this I always roll my eyes. I know they have to because it's their job, and as a technical writer I understand that the first rule of thumb is to assume your audience is stupid. So I always bite my tongue when the first thing they ask is the most obvious, inane, insulting thing possible because, alas, idiotic mistakes happen.
5055741
Most people suggest the power supply too, or so I've seen. The technician said the problem 'fixed itself' when they removed/replaced the hard drives and graphics card, but for all we know doing that could have just jostled the power supply (or whatever else the cause may be) just enough to get it in the right position to turn on.
5056043
I'm afraid secrecy was part of the ritual. All I can say is that it involved a Spider Door and visiting a Malleary in search of An Incandescence.
5056278
Curious. Perhaps I'll make that my next horizon fic, once I get back to him in my lists.
5056278
Aw, thank you!
I wouldn't put it in my personal top tier -- there are definitely things I'd smooth out about the pacing and resolution -- but it medaled in the contest it was entered in, so the evidence backs you up more than me. And it's always awesome to see readers enjoying my stories enough to recommend them!