I'm a knight. Covered in soot. I'm not very good at this job.
When Rarity is invited to become the costume designer for the upcoming broadway musical "The Alicorn of Oz," she leaves Ponyville to stay in Manehatten to work, and invites her friends come with her. Though it appears to work out alright at first, soon more and more stress begins to pile up on her. It may push her farther than she can handle... and what then?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Whoa there. 18,000 words?!
I'm going to read it later but it looks like an AWESOME story!
It's a darn shame the word count has scared off so many potential views
This is a very nice little story you got here. It's very much like an episode. You really nailed Rarity here, especially when it came to making me sympathize with her. Although, you did go to great lengths to give as hard a time as possible. The humor was pretty fitting as well. The whole "Marco! Surprise!" thing stood out for me.
But as long as this was, I don't think you made the plot interesting enough to justify the length. It's all very mundane, and your writing doesn't make it any better. There's a lot paragraphs where you just describe some actions ("they did this and that, and talked about so and so" and then next dialogue) and then move on. It would've been great if you could work some action and dialogue into those parts, or just found a way to transition scenes in a brisker, more interesting manner. Basically, there's a lot of telling and not much showing. I have nothing against telling, but your telling isn't particularly special.
"Something had been eating at her throughout the night, but she hadn’t voiced her concerns until then. Well, it was more of a brunch, since she normally didn’t stay up that late..."
Are you missing a sentence here? I don't know how you got from concerns to brunch. I don't remember if you mentioned breakfast in the previous paragraph (I copied parts that I had issue with on notepad, and I don't want to go back and check in the story).
"“Our prank went wrong, and messed up Rarity’s work,” simplified Rainbow Dash. Pinkie had previously given the two a long winded (and rather confusing) explanation that no one felt like interrupting."
This is a weird passage. You start of with RD saying something, and then you tell me Pinkie already explained it. I understand what happened, but it kinda throws my sense of time in the story off, and makes me pause in reading. Not something I particularly enjoy.
And, honestly, the part where they confront her at the end kind of bothers me. Sure, they were offering to be helpful, but their meddling was the whole reason Rarity was having problems in the first place. So they go back to interfere some more, and suddenly everything's all better. Yes, I know that that time they were actually helping her, but it still seems kind of iffy. Besides, I didn't really get the feeling that Rarity was every particularly enjoying spending time with her friends.
Anyway, I still give this a like. I always look forward to seeing long, plotted-out one shots appear.
988429
I wasn't really aware that it did that. x] I suppose it could, but I never really thought about it too much. Thank you, though. :) What's, "Although, you did go to great lengths to give as hard a time as possible," supposed to mean, though? I'm a bit confused about that.
Thank you so much for telling me this. I always felt that something was a little off, and whatever it was was probably going to be major, but wasn't ever sure what it was. I'm so glad that you posted, because you've helped me find (part of) what it was, and I thank you for that greatly. Yeah, I do agree, it sort of does drag on. I think the problem was that I didn't want it to be too short. I probably got so caught up in wanting to make it longer that I just added too much needless filler that didn't really add anything, bogging it down. I agree with the showing and telling too. I felt that quite a bit earlier in the fic, but wasn't ever exactly sure how to 'show' it, or at least parts of it. Later I think I got a little better with it, but I'm not entirely sure.
Yeah, looks like it. x] I'd bet money that it happened when I was rewriting the beginning of that scene. (The first take didn't exactly feel right.) I never saw that when I went back through it, so thanks a lot for pointing that out.
Personally, I didn't get that, but I can see where you're coming from. I probably should have explained it a bit more, or just left out that little part about Pinkie explaining it before altogether. (Which I may do right after I post this. I'm going to change a few things, like that part you pointed out before.)
It did for me as well. For me it seemed a bit too convenient (similar to what you thought), but I wasn't exactly sure how else to end it. It may have worked out better had I plotted it out a bit more. That entire part may need a rewrite, but I'm not sure if I should. (It's not that I don't want to, but it feels like cheating to me. I've sent this out already, and completely changing a part seems wrong... I'll still think about it, though. If I can come up with something better, I'll put it in instead.) About Rarity not enjoying spending time with everyone, part of that feeling was that she wasn't entirely. Yeah, they're her friends, and she invited them to go with her, but it's still a business trip. They were inhibiting her work just to essentially goof off with her, and didn't fully realize that she didn't want to do that until it was too late, and then she snapped. The fact that I'm having to explain this, though, means I did something wrong. Could you tell me a bit more about that, so I may be able to pinpoint it, and perhaps fix it?
Once again, thank you. Lots. It may not seem like it (Or if it does, good. x]), but I'm extremely appreciative of this comment. This is the kind of criticism I was looking for, and it's been very helpful indeed.
989659
About the "great lengths" comment--that's not a criticism. I was just pointing out how you made me sympathize with Rarity by making her endure the combined efforts of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. Nothing wrong there
Also, yeah, I understood that Rarity was thinking that her friends would just find ways to entertain themselves instead of constantly bothering her. Trust me, you got that across pretty well. My issue, however, is that I never really felt much of a positive response from Rarity in the other situations where they were together. In the restaurant, she kind of had to baby her friends. While they were playing games, she was more focused on getting away from them. With all that in mind, it seems strange that she would readily jump into their arms at the very end.
On second thought, I guess my problem was just me hoping for something more meaningful than "Even though they're stupid, they're still your friends, and you gotta love 'em!". You're right--this probably was the only way you could've ended it without completely changing things.
I try to leave really helpful comments, but I don't usually read too closely when I read fanfics, so try to please your own standards first and foremost. I'm no professional, and I'm not exactly articulate--I just say what I feel
989817
Ah, okay. I just wasn't entirely sure what it meant. I think a word was missing in there or something. That, or I completely misread it. x]
It does seem that way, doesn't it? I could use some excuse like saying she was bogged down, that they needed to be babied at the restaurant since they didn't know what they were doing, that she was tired, blah blah blah, but you're right. She didn't, really, and you'd think that she would have at least a few positive responses, but she had very little to none. A major blunder on my part, and something I really should have considered more. Thanks for pointing it out.
Maybe, but that in and of itself shows that I kinda wrote myself into a corner there, even if it is the only logical end without having to turn the entire thing upside-down, and that's assuming a little. x]
You do leave helpful comments. That was very enlightening, and hopefully it'll help me in the future. :) The problem is that my own standards for myself are literally beyond me. I'm a huge perfectionist, so I'm never really satisfied with anything I do, and never will be, since I can never be perfect. What I try and do, however, is take experience, which only really comes from writing, though a little comes from reading and analyzing what you read, in a way, and criticism, like your comment, and use it to get better. I'm by no means a professional either, and this is literally the second thing I've ever written and put out on the internet. (Or to the world in general.) I appreciate you saying what you feel. That's what the fic caused you to think, and I'll attempt to use those thoughts as criticism to improve.
Once again, thank you. :)
It was like watching a 4 hour movie with no break.
But I give you a thumbs up.
992274
I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that... x]
992283 What I say is could had been split up in chapters.
992557
Perhaps. I thought about doing that, but I felt breaks were much more appropriate, because many of the chapters would be pretty short. I suppose I could have combined a few when they were... Oh well. *shrug*
Where did that thumbs-down come from? I thought this was pretty good.
1002851
Thank you. :)
Well, there's always someone who doesn't like something. x] Everyone has different standards and opinions. *shrug*
You can has review!