Paul's Thursday Reviews XIII · 4:12pm Oct 29th, 2015
Time for another round of public opinion!
I've been thinking about it for the past week, and the more I look at it the more I feel that maybe my rating system could use an upgrade. As it stands, there are five levels for my ratings, from best to worst:
Why Haven't You Read These Yet? (WHYRTY)
Pretty Good — I'd read it again.
Worth It — Nothing spectacular, but worth the time invested.
Not Bad — ...but nothing special.
None — I'm not even bothering to keep this one.
While I feel this works just fine in terms of my bookshelves, I think a bit more indication could be appropriate. As such, I'm thinking about applying a numerical system into the ratings, probably on a 1-10 scale, which would operate along these lines:
WHYRTY: 10 points
Pretty Good: 7-9 points
Worth It: 4-6 points
Not Bad: 1-3 points
None: 0 points
The scoring system for authors to earn my follow would go unchanged, so a rating of Pretty Good would still earn an author score of 2 regardless of whether the review points are 7, 8 or 9.
So... opinions? Suggestions? I'm not sure if I really want to go through with this or not, so I need a little nudging one way or the other.
In the meantime, I've overhauled the rules for my reviews and review requests. The new rules are actually what I've been following without saying anything, but now they have been written down for public viewing. Check my profile page to get the nitty gritty, and feel free to offer any suggestions, revisions or improvements to my system.
Okay, enough of that. On to the reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Mandatory Fun by FanOfMostEverything
Five Hundred Little Murders by Estee
Fruit of the Problem by FanOfMostEverything (1st Place entry of Skeeter the Lurker's Switcheroo contest)
Goodnight Woon by lunabrony (Re-Read)
When The Snow Melts by Bluespectre (Completed Story)
Total Word Count: 169,758
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 0
None: 0
By now I’ve said it so many times that I really shouldn’t have to mention how terrifying I find the concept of mind control. That being said… this scared the crap out of me.
Mandatory Fun questions what would happen if Cheese Sandwich got his hooves on the Alicorn Amulet. It’s not pretty, even if it is gussied up with streamers and party balloons. A Celestia taken out of the picture by poisoning, Cadance captured and brainwashed, a whole army of crystal ponies rendered mentally silly in more ways than one. This kind of thing is what makes kids scared of clowns.
But even though this story offers some terrifying prospects, it’s still utterly ridiculous, highlighting through neglect the reasons that such a thing could never happen. Now, Cheese dealing with Celestia via a poisoned cake? Sure, I can see that. But then he deals with Luna by using a canon to send her to the moon and we’re supposed to somehow believe that she can’t easily come back? And then we’re led to believe that every major power figure in Equestria can be defeated simply by distracting them with things like a pie to the face prior to being dragged off – which is how Cadance somehow got defeated despite no indication that her magic was at all hindered in the process.
My point is that, even though this story offers some extremely scary prospects, Cheese’s plan would never have worked as shown. This only serves to highlight the intended silliness of the whole thing, and I approve. Who says you can’t be scared and amused at the same time? Granted, I know most people won’t find this remotely frightening, but come on, mind control holds a special place in my fear list, people.
For being fun and frightening at once, I quite enjoyed this.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Five Hundred Little Murders
Estee provided no cover art. Point and laugh.
To say that this story isn’t what I expected would be a severe understatement. It goes far, far beyond unexpected. I’ve only seen one other story touch upon this topic, and it didn’t even come close to having the emotional power this one did.
Five Hundred Little Murders is about Flitter, an eternally unpleasant pony who believes it’s her job to tell everyone the harsh truth about their stupid, pointless little lives. There’s very few ponies she respects, none she likes, and loves? That’s a bad joke to her. She is, beyond a doubt, one of the meanest ponies in existence. But of all the ponies she dislikes, none are so disreputable and worthless in her eyes than Fluttershy, a pony whose very Element is the paradigm of all weakness.
So when Flitter’s pet cat Carnie – her one and only love – grows ill, Flitter does everything she can to avoid having to go to Fluttershy for help. Only when all her options are exhausted does she even bother… and what she learns about the whimpy, pathetic pegasus is both a revelation and a tragedy.
Five Hundred Little Murders is an powerful story. The character of Flitter was brilliantly designed; to see her blatant cruelty transformed so thoroughly over the harsh realities of life is one of the most striking examples of affection you will ever find. Even if you hate her, watching her pain is an incredible experience.
And then there’s the cold, heart-rending reality that Fluttershy has been through that same pain five hundred times, and keeps on going.
This story is one of the most evocative I have ever read. My eyes are still burning from it. If this is the kind of thing Estee does normally, I want more. Much more.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Fruit of the Problem
By FanOfMostEverything
1st Place Winner of Skeeter the Lurker's Switcheroo Contest
And at long last, we come to the winner of Skeeter’s contest. I admit, I cocked my eyebrows in skepticism after listening to all the praise this story heaped up. After reading it, though, I think it certainly deserved the victory.
Fruit of the Problem is meant to replace (or, to be more accurate, takes place at the same time as) Owl’s Well That Ends Well. In the story, Applejack is so busy helping her friends and working as the Element of Honesty that she’s losing a lot of time on the farm. Recognizing the problem, Granny Smith hires Carrot Top to help pick up the slack. When Applejack finds out about this, however, she is far from pleased.
This story was intelligent, well-written and – above all – a great display of Applejack’s character. It also gives us a look into FanOfMostEverything’s headcanon regarding earth pony magic, which I strongly approve of. It’s a very fitting episode replacement, and with some touch-ups (mostly to make it more child-friendly) it would fit well as an episode in and of itself.
I do feel that there are some aspects that could have been improved upon, the most notable being Carrot Top herself. The pony really only got one scene and two cameos. Considering how important her part is to the story, I would think that having an opportunity to hear her voice on the matter is necessary.
Other than that? This was a nice story, and FanOfMostEverything earned this victory. It’s not the deepest tale, or the most inventive or creative, but it fits the contest superbly and does exactly what it needs to do. I am pleased.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Goodnight Woon
By lunabrony
Re-Read
Previous Rating: Not Bad
The first time I read this story, I was woefully unimpressed. Goodnight Woon is a smattering of short stories, almost all of which are about the foalhood lives of Celestia and Luna.
Problems abound.
One: there’s no plot continuity. A lone example: a filly Luna knowing what a Timberwolf is, but when they get older and meet the real thing neither she nor Celestia have any idea what a Timberwolf is.
Two: the story is a mass of typos, poor grammar, repetition and bad word flow.
Three: In the rare instance when things are meant to be serious, they fail to be so. Catastrophically. This is no clearer than when lunabrony attempts to explain how and why Discord was defeated, which is an outright emotionless confrontation brimming with civility, patience and a debate over living arrangements (which, believe it or not, is given as the only excuse for Discord’s ‘tantrum’).
Four: Painfully bad pop culture references, ranging from Spiderman to Dr. Who and including meta statements about red-and-black alicorns, amongst other things.
Five: Failures to account for obvious differences between ponies and humans. A great example is when a filly Luna, terrified of being ‘sucked down the drain’ of her bathtub, promptly flees in a mess of water and bubbles throughout the castle, including right through an important diplomatic meeting her parents are invovled in. And what’s the biggest issue in all this? ...she naked. 
The scene is undeniably adorable, and would have been wonderful if not for that glaring mishap that the author, unfortunately, decides to hype up.
Despite all these tragic mistakes and whatever others I’m neglecting at the moment (and I assure you there are some), my opinion of this series has still improved. This is mostly because the scenes and mini-stories largely focus on a pair of foals too young to know better. The stories really are cute and fun. This isn’t even remotely enough to repair the damage, but it at least eases my view of the overall story.
I think lunabrony’s biggest fault with this story is attempting to take it to serious places. He touched upon Luna’s growing jealousy of Celestia and covers Discord’s original defeat, both of which are horribly handled. If this story was limited just to the cute parts… well, I’d probably still give it the same rating, but my overall opinion would still have been vastly superior.
Bookshelf: Worth It
When The Snow Melts
By Bluespectre
Completion Story
Oh, but I am a cynical man. I see a story starring Celestia and some human OC and I immediately anticipate a blatant, hideously written self-insert. A self-insert When The Snow Melts may still be, but it’s hard to tell under the circumstances. Starring a mere reed worker named Rush in feudal Japan (or perhaps the equivalent of feudal Japan in the Equestria Girls world), this is a decent story of love and conflict that I didn’t see coming.
In the story, Rush is a bitter war veteran who lives in a little hamlet outside a small farming village, wanting nothing more than to be left alone. Meanwhile, Celestia is in the middle of a bloody war with her sister, and her army just got slaughtered in an ill-planned battle. Wounded and on the run from thestrals, Celestia panics and opens a portal into another world in a desperate bid to escape, only to be followed and nearly killed by two of her enemies. It is in this state that she is found by Rush. As Rush tends to her wounds and helps her to heal, the two thestrals that remain have begun a small war of their own; one an honorable leader and warrior, the other driven to madness by war fervor and narcotics.
As I said before, I still suspect this story of being a self-insert. Rush and Celestia fall for one another so quickly it’s unreal, which calls the legitimacy of the entire story into question. I know there’s such a thing as ‘love at first sight,’ but it typically leads to divorce in first year, and I prefer my romances to offer a bit of realism. In Bluespectre’s defense, there are some unusual circumstances and it can be argued that a certain ‘magic’ may have addled our young and not-so-young lovers’ minds. I am willing to be at least somewhat lenient, because there are some hints that this is the case. Not enough to quell my doubts, but they are there.
One thing does please me, though, and makes a strong case for this story: the characters are indeed characters. Rush may seem bitter and angry at the world, but he’s bitter for very good reason, and while Celestia is a majestic and good pony, her vehement hatred of the thestrals borders on fanaticism. The thestral Thorn is interesting in his own right, going to war and obeying his ‘moon goddess’ without question even as he dreams of a better life for his race.
The young Rend’s madness was also quite believable, although there were times when I felt he’d slipped a little too easily into the villain’s role. Out of all the individuals in this story, he is the one who lacked the most character, which is unfortunate. I judge a story by its villains, and while Rend is an undeniably severe threat, everything about him was too simple to make a lasting impression.
How curious it is, then, that the humans were the most interesting characters. Particularly, the ones who you’d expect to be the bad guys; the local lord, who seems lazy and conceited at first, only to prove an honorable and valiant man when the flames of battle strike, or the local gambling boss – clearly a criminal – working as hard as he can to protect the village and keep order amidst the chaos.
There are, of course, a good number of hiccups in the story. For instance, there’s a blatant lack of information regarding the final fate of several characters, most notably the good warrior Thorn. Then there are the copious grammatical mistakes, although the nature and repetition of said mistakes speaks of a writer with English as a second language. Incorrect punctuation for dialogue and questions were the most common of these, appearing constantly from beginning to end.
None of these are particularly significant gripes, but there was one thing that set my hackles to rise: the capture. I’ll acknowledge that we are dealing with a younger and probably less powerful Celestia, but it’s still Celestia. So when a bunch of measly peasant humans ¼ her size and weight with no magic whatsoever manages to capture and imprison a creature with enough power to move a sun without so much as a casualty, I scoff. Oh, Bluespectre does make an attempt to justify this by saying she didn’t want to harm them, but it’s a feeble excuse. You’ll never be able to convince me that Celestia couldn’t have found a way to get herself and Rush out of there without causing harm to the teeming mass of ignorants.
This one moment was by far the biggest black mark on the entire story. It’s one thing for the author to arrange for something to happen, it’s another entirely to force that something to happen when no realistic means can be found. I was probably supposed to feel Rush’s despair and anger, but all I really felt was anger at the author for making such a poor plot decision. If not for this one tragic flaw, I may have been willing to set this into my favorites shelf.
But fortunately, it’s the only serious flaw in the story – unless you count the blatant Dues Ex Machina that appears in the next-to-last chapter.
The rapid nature of the romance doesn’t appeal to me, the grammatical and stylistic mistakes were constant and the lack of information at the end of the story left me wanting more. Bluespectre also abuses exposition in all the wrong places, frequently giving us extra information that, while interesting, only serves to take away from the scene. Yet the story also hosts strong characters, an interesting and at times suspenseful storyline, and it all takes place in a fully-realized setting of snow, culture and blood.
It’s not the best story I’ve read on this site – not by a long shot – but I am glad I read it. With some polishing and a bit more experience, I think Bluespectre could grow to be one of this site’s better authors. I look forward to reading more in the future.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
Killing Time by Prak
Utterly Ridiculous by RainbowBob
Dear Princess Celestia by Foals Errand (Requested by Foals Errand)
A Hell of a Time by Aragon (Re-Read)
Twilight the Terrible by RK_Striker_JK_5 (Completed Story)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews IV
Paul's Belated Thursday Reviews I
Paul's Thursday Reviews V
Paul's Thursday Reviews VI
Paul's Thursday Reviews VII
Paul's thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
Paul's Thursday Reviews X
Paul's Thursday Reviews XI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XII
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
I am entirely okay with these reviews. Those works definitely aren't in the same league as Five Hundred Little Murders, so this is about as good as I could hope for. I'm glad you enjoyed the stories.
HOW DID I NOT KNOW IT WAS COMPLETED
Thank you, been waiting years for that.
Five Hundred Little Murders is certainly Estee's most heart-wrenching work. In a lot of ways the best thing they've done. Many other stories of theirs are good to read, but most aren't quite as, hmm, let's go with intense as the adjective there. I'd suggest either 100% Move = 50% Fire, Twilight Spackle, or Naked Lunch (comedy) as stories to try next.
3505296
Looks like I picked Pony Up A Tree, although whether I've had it in my RiL for ages or I selected it after reading Murders, I can't recall. No matter what I pick, it'll be over a year before I get to it unless it's a review request.
3505262
Holy carp! I've been tracking it, too, and it wasn't on my "finished" list. Corrected.
3505328
That's not a bad one either, but certainly not in the same weight category as Five Hundred.
The points system sounds like it could be one of those complication-for-complication's-sake things that I myself have a tendency to gravitate towards. I'm not sure it would add much to your review process.
I like the reviews without numbers!
I'm not opposed to numerical ratings, but I think there should be a good reason to include them, not just because people expect them. right now it's kind of similar to a 0-4 star system with your categories, and I don't see much use in subdividing even more.
3506713 Agreed, a 10 point scale would be redundant without additional bookshelves. 0 to 4 is fine as is, in my opinion.