Paul's Thursday Reviews X · 5:48pm Oct 8th, 2015
Alas, my dear readers, I must confess to weakness! For my parents did contact me a few days ago and bribed me into a visit with plans for a fishing trip, which I've been wanting to be apart of for some time. This means I'll be heading home tomorrow after I finish my literary duties. Those of you who know me on Skype are aware that this means infrequent appearances and less socializing due to a satellite-based internet that is woefully lacking and the added distraction of being with *shudders* family. I don't even know when I'll be coming back; it could be merely a weekend visit, it could be several days more, it might even be a whole week. I can only promise that I will do my best to not let this interfere with my release schedule in any way.
And now, if you don't mind, I'll be getting to the reviews. I still have 18 more reviews to write today for the WriteOffs and would like to get to them as early as possible.
Stories for This Week:
Equestria Girls: Applejack's Secret by Phantom Shadow
Schadenfreude by Daemon McRae
Sleepless in St. Maretinique by bookplayer (3rd place entry of Skeeter the Lurker's Switcheroo contest)
A Little Game of War by JMac (Re-Read)
What Good is Magic? by Bluegrass Brooke (Sequel to The Best Kind of Surprise)
Total Word Count: 37,549
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 2
None: 1
It’s no secret that clop is a big deal in this fandom. Ridiculously so. Because I am not interested in blatant fapping material for this blog, I make it a point never to write reviews for such things. I only want to write reviews for publications that are, in fact, stories. However, when I see something that looks like this, where a serious story is playing out around a sexual topic, then I become interested. This is not commonly done, after all; most stories are either clop or no sex at all. Eager to see a few boundaries fudged, I thought I’d give this a go.
The premise behind Equestria Girls: Applejack’s Secret is pretty blatant; Applejack’s been working the past few months as a stripper to solve her family’s recent financial woes, and has kept her friends and family in the dark on the matter. When her high school friends realize something’s off, they go to investigate and catch her in the act, leading to a few heart-to-hearts.
There are a lot of serious questions raised by this story. For one, is it even possible for Applejack to be willing to stoop that low to earn money for her family? How you choose to answer that question will go a very long way to whether or not you like or loath this concept. For myself, I maintain neutrality, generally being at war with myself over the topic. There’s also the question of Applejack’s age, which is entirely debatable considering none of the characters’ ages are brought up in the show at all, and thus is dependent upon individual interpretation.
In terms of the story itself… Meh. I think the story is okay in terms of content, but the writing needs a lot of work. One common issue is best shown with an example:
Then, everything froze to a halt as the five of them realized that everyone, including Applejack, was looking at their scuffle. They all looked at Applejack, who was just as terrified as they were. Her heart began to race as she looked at each of them, who were all looking back at her.
So, in case you somehow missed it, AJ was looking at them and they looked at AJ, and AJ looked at them, and they looked at AJ. In other words, the author just repeated the same information twice. Or four times, depending on your perspective. This is not how you build suspense. It’s just a waste of a word count. And let's try not to touch upon the telly nature of that paragraph.
There were awkward word choices, confusing sentences and lots of repetition. The worst part was the complete lack of drama in the later scenes, specifically because the author does the same thing over and over again. One can only see a person break into tears so many times before it starts losing its impact. Because of this and a few other stylistic choices, the emotions come out weak. This, I feel, was the dominant issue of the entire story. Even the big reveal – the strip scene – was severely hindered.
There’s one exception to this: Fluttershy. Her reaction to Applejack was strong. It still suffered a little from the overall writing style, but compared to the rest of the story? This was the author’s shining moment.
I also took issue with some of the background topics. A prime example: Rarity spends a lot of time trying to convince Sunset to try out for a job at the Carousel Boutique. This in and of itself isn’t strange, until you realize that Sunset owns a car and presumably has a place to stay. How is she paying for everything? If she doesn’t have a job, why isn’t she worried about money? Something about the entire subject seemed off. Little/big issues like that popped up occasionally and were very distracting.
While I give Phantom Shadow kudos for broaching a potentially controversial topic, I’m afraid Equestria Girls: Applejack’s Secret just didn’t do it for me. The struggling emotions, the constant stream of redundancy and weak descriptions, the plot issues; it’s all just too much. I think the concept has decent potential, but the delivery just wasn’t there.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Now this is a pony OC I can appreciate.
Daemon McRae’s Schadenfreude is a short story about the titular character who just so happens to be Prince Blueblood’s butler. True to his name, Schadenfreude’s special talent is to recognize when bad things are going to happen to others, and he gets extreme amusement from said bad things. This makes his job fit him perfectly, because there’s nopony in Equestria easier to frustrate than Prince Blueblood.
To be fair, there’s nothing outright special about this story. Through the writing is flawless (at least as I can see), it’s not like there’s a big lesson or a moral to the story; it’s just a few minutes of Schadenfreude’s life. That’s it. But oh, it’s quite the amusing life.
One of the regrets I have regarding this story is that it quickly deviates from its described purpose. We get to see Schadenfreude and Prince Blueblood’s (presumed) morning routine, then we go to breakfast… and Schadenfreude goes straight to the dungeons. Worse, it’s not even Prince Blueblood that sends him there. I had really hoped to get an entire day out of this, but instead it’s over about as fast as it takes for Luna to finish her morning cup of tea (which, in this case, is faster than usual).
I’m willing to forgive that. Coming up with enough fresh ideas to keep this concept going would be a serious chore. Just getting this far may have been a strain of the author’s creativity. Besides, it’s entirely possible that attempting to go any further may have reduced the concept’s charm. So while I lament that there’s no more Schadenfreude – note my casually hinted desire to read the sequel? – I think Daemon McRae made the right choices.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
As mentioned some time ago, I intend to review every winning entry in Skeeter’s contest. Seeing as of how I entered the contest myself, I was very interested in reading the winning entries. For those of you unaware, the contest required the authors to recreate any episode in the show from scratch, with the caveat that none of the characters starring in the replaced episode could star in the recreation. bookplayer’s Sleepless in St. Maretinique replaces Sleepless in Ponyville and tied with my own One Night at Fluttershy's for third place. After reading it, I can see why.
Sleepless in St. Maretinique stars Rainbow Dash and Applejack, who are on vacation to the titular tropical paradise thanks to Rarity’s generosity. The entire premise focuses on Rainbow being in love with an unawares AJ and trying to take advantage of the vacation to find a cool, awesome, and certainly not sappy and romantic way to confess to this. I should point out that this comes dangerously close to breaking the rules of the contest, because the rules specifically state that the main characters of the recreation cannot be the main characters of the episode it replaces. Rainbow might not have been the star character of Sleepless in Ponyville, but her role in the episode was strong enough – especially as the focus of Scootaloo’s interests – that I imagine the judges were squirming with the decision not to disqualify it. Frankly, I think I would have.
At any rate, most of the story follows RD and AJ as they go around the resort doing vacationy things: snorkeling, jet skiing, beach volleyball, and so on. But since the entire vacation was won in a contest from a wedding magazine, the ponies have to deal with hotel staff who think they’re newlyweds and share a room with only one bed. I think bookplayer really missed an opportunity with the former; that was a major opportunity for some panicky Rainbow antics that went completely missed.
But that’s okay, because the bed is the focal point here. Rainbow has to put up with sleeping right next to a pony she is incredibly attracted to, and this sparks a series of dreams where she faces her ultimate nightmare: snuggly, romantic, sappy not-coolness, and being caught in such a state by the pony she most wants to impress. Cue a visit by Luna, with predictable results.
The good news is that this story is well-written, flows nicely and was pleasant in the overall. The humor was nice, too. Favorite parts included Luna’s old-fashioned dating advice (which even Rainbow knew was terrible) and the fact that after all those romantic fantasies, RD’s confession comes out in a way that is about as non-romantic as can be… and still failed to be cool.
But I took issue with a number of elements, and I must admit that those issues remind me a lot of One Night at Fluttershy’s. For one, there’s really nothing to get into with this story. It never pulled me in or let me identify with the characters, even though RD and AJ were always in-character. The story needs a hook, but even without that, I didn’t see any remarkable elements in the plot. It’s like taking ‘slice of life’ to its least appealing extreme. Now, if you’re a romance junkie and can get into a story based on that alone? Then sure, there’s a scene or three that will tickle your fancy as RD struggles with her conflicting feelings. Otherwise? No pull at all.
I also didn’t care for the nature of Luna’s dream. It came off as more an opportunity for humor than the major breakthrough it could – and probably should – have been. It dumbed down the entire exchange, leaving the door open for a completely anticlimactic ending. That big moment where Rainbow confesses to AJ after getting a talk to in a dream? That point that should have been the big climax of the whole story, full of emotion and conviction? Yeah, that didn’t happen. Instead it flies by in order to get AJ and RD back to Ponyville so that the author can squeeze in an annoying joke about Rainbow’s hatred for cuddleflies.
As I said, a lot of the issues with Sleepless in St. Maretinique are akin to the issues in One Night at Fluttershy’s, and it makes perfect sense that they tied in rating. While well-written, there’s nothing to pull a reader into the events – unless the reader happens to be a romance fiend. Had the writer made a few different decisions, perhaps this would have warranted more attention. As it is?
Eh, so-so.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
A Little Game of War
By JMac
Re-Read
Previous Rating: None (first read prior to the rating system)
This isn’t the first time I reviewed this story. JMac originally wrote A Little Game of War as an entry to a contest over at the Nonpareil Fiction group. I volunteered to give reviews for the contestants, seeing as I was somewhat active in the group at the time. It was one of the very first reviews I ever wrote, back before there were bookshelves and when I was just figuring out how to do this. As a result, I think my initial review was harsh – too harsh.
A Little Game of War focuses on the spoiled rich brat Arandell and his ex, Lianna (let’s ignore that you’ve never seen pony names like this). They’ve just come home from the funeral of Arandell’s kid sister, Goldenrod, whom Arandell hated with a passion. As it turns out, Lianna used to be a promising student at Equestria’s premier military academy, and she taught Goldenrod everything she knew while acting as the sick filly’s nanny. The story escalates quickly when Goldenrod’s massive toy army (seriously, where was she keeping all those things?) shows up to wage all-out, merciless war on the two off-guard ponies.
This concept, based off of Steven King’s short story Battlefield, is actually pretty good. Killer toys might not be new, but if handled properly it can be an effective plot tool. Sadly, it is exceedingly rare for it to be used properly. I dare say that JMac half-achieved it. I really enjoyed reading about the battle tactics used by Goldenrod’s toys; as a lover of strategy games, this kind of thing always interests me. If it were just one or two toys threatening our protagonists, this would have failed entirely, but a literal army of toy soldiers, complete with archers, ballistas, catapults, airships and even a helicopter? Yeah, that might be intimidating. Just don’t pause to question why a bunch of children’s toys have sharp weapons.
But as much as I like the concept, I still feel that the delivery leaves something to be desired. For one, JMac jumps right into the action with barely any introduction. Arandell and Lianna both have the look and feel of potentially great characters, but instead of giving us time to learn about them we are expected to take everything in during the battle, which only served to distract from the energy and potential emotion of the moment.
Speaking of which, this story was written as part of a horror-themed contest, and frankly, it’s not very scary. JMac focused more on battle tactics and troop positions than suspense and atmosphere. Combine that with the occasional spurt of background information in the narrative, and there’s no room to be scared. As such, the author’s methods form a double-edged sword; while the battle is certainly interesting, and that is supported by the sheer number of enemies, it fails entirely regarding the purpose of the contest, which would have been better served with fewer opponents and a darker atmosphere.
This is no more apparent than in the actions and thoughts of Lianni. The majority of her thoughts are focused on analyzing Goldenrod’s military strategy and forming some kind of defense. It’s a very technical thought process that doesn’t fit the fear, alarm and panic of a horror story. It does suit Lianni’s military background quite well, which suggests to me that JMac chose the wrong perspective. Arandell was a coward through-and-through; had this story been told from his perspective, I bet the horror element would have been better served.
So, final thoughts. A Little game of War is a well-written piece. It does start off far too quickly, but after that the pacing is okay. The only significant problem is that it is advertised as a horror story, and it very clearly isn’t. My major suggestion to JMac is to be a little more cautious about how he describes his stories, or to make sure the story fits the criteria it’s being written for.
Also, I’d like to apologize for that first review. I truly had no idea what I was doing back then.
Bookshelf: Worth It
As some of you may have figured out by now, I like finishing what I start, and since I started Bluegrass Brooke’s little series based on Pinkie and Cheese getting together I of course had to go through all the related stories. What Good is Magic? is the last entry to the What Changes May Come collection of tales. It stars Gabbro, the son of Pinkie and Cheese, who considers himself cursed as he was born a unicorn. Gabbro is visiting with his grandparents at the rock farm with his kid sister Apricot when a storm comes in and forces him to search for his missing sister.
This story suffers from some really poor flow and a number of weak choices. It jumps straight into Gabbro’s feelings of hatred towards his horn without giving us any time to meet the characters. Then we fly off to see Maud looking after her Pinkie-like niece Apricot – again with almost no time to really get to know the characters – before they go exploring at Apricot’s insistence. An instant later, we’re at Gabbro realizing a storm is coming and deciding, on a completely nonsensical whim and with no reasoning whatsoever, that “something is wrong with this situation.” He then goes into all-out panic mode.
This entire story can be described in a single word: forced. Nothing felt real; not a single action, not one emotion, not even the reasons for doing things. I’m supposed to believe that a student of Twilight – no matter how unwilling a student, no matter how much he dislikes magic – wouldn’t think to use magic in a life-threatening situation? And what about how Maud apparently knows absolutely nothing about the lifelong fears of her eight-year-old niece?
Another problem is the stylistic choices. That life-long fear of storms Apricot has? First Bluegrass Brooke has to give us a long, needless exposition about it only to turn right around and have Gabbro explain it in dialogue. Why are we being told things twice?
I’m sorry to say that this story doesn’t have anywhere near the quality of What Changes May Come, and also falls below the standard of The Best Kind of Surprise. I almost feel as though this story was written just to get it out of the way, like the author felt some obligation to do it instead of a desire. It saddens me, because I know Bluegrass Brooke is capable of better. Alas, we all have our down days.
Bookshelf: None
Stories for Next Week:
The Assassination of Twilight Sparkle by Rated Ponystar
Listen and Learn by the parasprite
Night Rose by Grand_Moff_Pony (Patreon Accelerated Review)
Eternity by RainbowBob (Re-Read)
Wealth Granted from Generosity by Whateverdudezb (Sequel to Truth Earned from Honesty)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews The Ist!
Paul's Thursday Reviews II
Paul's Thursday Reviews III
Paul's Thursday Reviews IV
Paul's Belated Thursday Reviews I
Paul's Thursday Reviews V
Paul's Thursday Reviews VI
Paul's Thursday Reviews VII
Paul's thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
I'll have to be honest and say that I'm disappointed in your choice of ratings scale. Instead of something like "good" <--> "bad", your scale bottoms out with "not bad". That's a very... Starbucks way of thinking, really. It gives me the immediate impression that you're hesitant to call anyone's story "bad" for worry of angering or hurting them, which makes little sense since you're generally upfront and frank with your impressions of the story in the actual review.
It also becomes confusing when the reader tries to match the rating with the review: "This story had grammatical errors, bad pacing, massive plot holes, and I didn't really connect with the characters. Not Bad." What?
3453185
It helps to actually take a look at the bookshelves and the icons associated with them. The "Not bad" is intended to be condescending in tone, especially when taken in with the "...but nothing special" add on in the bookshelf's description. And in truth, the scale doesn't bottom out at "Not Bad," but at "None," meaning you aren't even worth placement.
At the same time, while I am very upfront with my critique, I also want to be at least somewhat encouraging. Some author's take a negative review so seriously that they actually stop being authors, and that result has never been my intention. While the "Not Bad... but nothing special" rating is certainly meant to be condescending, leaving that second part for of the actual review allows those not willing to dig a little deeper to miss that tone.
I don't give a rat's ass about angering or hurting someone, but I do want them to take my review as a lesson learned and try to improve. That goal isn't accomplished if I hit them with 100% negativity, and since some stories make it very hard to provide any positive critique, this struck me as an acceptable alternative.
Which means that The Kindest Silence is gonna be the first thing of mine you've read. A bit of a shame, I think I've got much better.
But yeah, I enjoyed Bookplayer's story and I look forward to seeing what you think of FOME's.
In the meantime, enjoy the fishing trip! Come home with cool stories about the one that got away!
Thanks for taking the time out of your busy life, only to waste it reading my sorry excuse for writing. Sorry I didn't live up to what you were expecting. What can I say? People told me that I should just quit writing while I have leave head intact...