Greatings I am Rathbane (muhahaha) just kidding actually a pretty nice guy with a cool sounding name.
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Twilight and the others go to a tropical resort that Twilight used to go to as a filly, only to find things have changed...for the worse. Now their fun vacation plans are unraveling as they deal with a greedy, untrustworthy resort manager as well as Li'Ho Ani, a local priestess with a knack for putting guests into trances and who has an eye on a certain Rainbow colored Pegasus.
Amazing cover art by SeraphimStarDust over on Deviant art
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A little piece of advice, you have an interesting idea and you're very descriptive but the description is better saved outside of the dialogue rather than as dialogue. It just sounds kind of forced coming from their mouths rather than the narrator's. For example, when Rainbow said she wasn't fully out of her control yet, that would be better for description rather than Rainbow's words. It's minor but it goes a long way. Don't feel bad though, I can tell you have a lot of passion for this and it is a really good idea and really just work on that minor tweak about the exposition and you've got a great story!
Great story. I like it!
However, I feel that this idea is better suited to a multi-chapter story as opposed to a one-shot. I would love to see this story get a revamp with more chapters, deeper plot, and perhaps a backstory to the Ka Lio, and how Deep Pockets got to taking over the island. You could even make a choose-your-own adventure type story, which has the reader choose between the Mane 6 siding with the Ka Lio or Deep Pockets (I'd personally choose the former).
I understand you wrote this as an entry to a contest, but are you planning on expanding this idea into a multi-chapter story? Because me and many more would love to see it.
7422574
Glad you enjoyed it :)
I don't know if I'll revisit this world in the future. But if I do much fun will be had :)
7422572
Gotcha. Glad you liked it.
Heh that bit of dialogue from Rainbow Dash was actually meant for her to be feining innocence for why she shocked Deep Pockets.
Cool! I like the story so far!
7422613
Wonderful to hear:)
7422595 I'd love to see what would happen!
So this is before reading, and just looking at the synopsis... it looks interesting.
This is after reading, and there's not much to say, besides this was a really interesting fic, and I would've destroyed the resort... after everyone evacuates.
Meh... The story itself wasn't bad, but I can't really enjoy it over the whimsical moments of incompetence and over-competence. I still don't trust stories that treat the Rainbow Power as some inherent superhero ability that can be turned on at will, but what I really dislike is Twilight being treated as royalty and completely failing to pull any rank or even basic authority in the same story.
It was a good enough story, but the stuff between the lines is what killed it for me personally.
7422574 this would have been much better as a longer story.
7423387
Good old goofykirby. Always willing to do willful destruction of property. Glad you enjoyed it.
7425483 I'm fine with willful destruction of property provided no one gets hurt except for the bad guys.
7424440
I understand.
Sorry you thought that way about the compentcy. I was trying my best to avoid that with the situations I put them in.
As far as Twilights status goes. I figure she's not one to flaunt her authority that's why she doesn't start throwing it around until all this craziness has happened.
Plus Deep pockets probably just views her as a celebrity visiting his resort. That's why his respect fades almost instantly.
7434341
Well, I mean... She doesn't really throw it around after all these things happen either, that's what I was getting at.
On the other hand though, I can't really blame you, can I? It's practically canon that Twilight does jack manure with her royal authority. The most she's ever done in the show as a Princess of Equestria was promote a line of dresses, raise the sun that one time and... oh yes, smile and wave.
any sequel?
Oh. I had assumed you just shortened Queen Liliuokalani. I feel dumb now.
7766992
Hey you know who Queen Liliuokalani is. That makes you a super smart person in my book. Don't feel bad. Like I said I think was just random gibberish in my head that ended up sounding like that by chance.
7767121
Well, it's kinda hard not to when you have actually lived in Hawaii for most of your life.
7768385
You are a super lucky person to have had that experience
I wonder when the rainbow warrior will return again.
7422572
Actually, I think that Rainbow Dash was fully out of her control. She just used that as an excuse to shoot a lightning bolt at Deep Pockets.
9191546
Oh that rainbow Dash;)
9191665
I knew it!
You can has review!
7422600
And that makes it all the better. Perhaps her tone could be mentioned?