This story is a collaboration between me and Belgian
Dream, just your ordinary mare from Ponyville and a powerful hypnotist, had enough of her everyday life. Constantly trying to cure mentally ill ponies was starting to weigh on her, and thus she wanted to do something more fun. Taking over Equestria seemed a good idea in her eyes. She had always been a fan of power and control, so it was no wonder that she became a hypnotist, but like everypony knows, power corrupts and Dream will experience that firsthoof.
Join her as she and Deviosis, her partner in crime and controller of the minds, try to take on Equestria and implant a new rule in the country. Will their plan succeed and will they become the new rulers of the country? Or will they fail and be banished for eternity?
Warning: Contains hypnosis, mind control, robots, and possibly clop.
Huh... Sounds familiar...
Let's take a look.
Post-Read Edit: To be honest.... I like it. There are errors in it, but the fact that you use characterization through wording and descriptions is pretty good. Just... Um, shy away from exposition.
Well this looks like this will be an interesting story. Best of luck with the next chapter.
4178230 Maybe it does. *Nudge, nudge, wink wink*
But, it isn't your Dream... even though she's pretty cool too.
-Belgian, co-author of the story.
4178230 Errors? Like grammatical errors? That could be my fault, seeing English is not my first language. As for exposition, what do you mean with that?
4178367 Ah, so less information and more dialogue? That would have been better?
Definitely tends to be long-winded and spend too much time talking about what happened instead of showing it. It's also very vague about the difference between hypnosis and mind-control. Dream says that she is good at one and he at the other, and that hypnosis is more subtle, but he uses hypnosis to describe some of what he did. The scene with Celestia was also ridiculous; Celestia visualizes something perfectly, and is suddenly accepting hypnotic commands regarding criminals, and Dream implies that her "power" has something to do with this when it wasn't clear she had done anything at all.
I'll never say no to more hypnosis fics, though, especially ones about taking over Ponyville/Equestria.
I actually read this last night on FA, and I was like hypnosis! NotMolo! Robots in Ponyville! This is going to be SO AWESOME
Then I got to the end and I was like
Hungry for more.
I agree with the others; you're dumping information about both of them on us instead of letting us learn about the character through their actions. Instead of telling us Deviosis is evil and powerful, show us as he tosses a trance out offhandedly with no concern for the aftereffects on the pony. Rather than tell us that Dreams power is weak, show us as she struggles with keeping the trance up on Celestia.
Speaking of the trance: I've been following NotMolos work, and while he has some very hot ideas, he falls into the common trap of making the hypnosis a matter of pressing harder until they go from completely fighting to completely entranced. It's very, very difficult to describe a slow fall to control, but the end result is very rewarding. Moreso with Celestia: She's an extremely powerful Alicorn, and like in Mentally Dethroned, she basically takes one attack and crumbles like a lawnchair. There's no drama, no tension, because it's just a matter of flipping a switch. Even once they've 'won' a target over, show us a few mental struggles (To quickly be put down, of course.)
I know that this chapter was just laying the groundwork, but I suggest you use an equation I use when I'm working on Mind Control stories
C = P - we
Control = Power of the control method, minus the targets will multiplied by their ethical objection to the actions they're being forced to do. Most of my stories focus on reducing w while making e a non-concern.
That being said, would you two object to a guest appearence?
This was much better than the upvote/downvote ratio led me to expect. I will definitely be giving this a follow and my support, since it looks like it's going to be something I'll quite enjoy!
As far as my thoughts on the content go, they generally mirror other people's comments so far. The entire second half of this chapter, from the train ride to the end, kinda dragged on. Other than that though, the grammar and spelling and stuff was all good.
One thing really, really bugged me though, and I hope this can be addressed at some point soon: What is Dream Searcher thinking, springing a Mind Controller out of jail to enlist his help in taking over Equestria, when she hasn't even taken any precautions to make sure Deviosis doesn't simply turn her into yet another one of his slaves? Surely, a hypnotist with evil intent should recognize that same corruption in others. How could she possibly put any amount of trust in him, especially considering how scummy he's described to be, not to mention his previous reputation?
I was expecting the first thing she'd do would be to hypnotize him and put some loyalty suggestions in his brian, before taking off the limiter. Now, I see no reason why he isn't going to just zap her into submission as soon as his magic comes back to full strength. Unless of course, that's the intention of this story, in which case I quite approve of that scenario. I just feel like one of them is bound to take control over the other, otherwise an explanation is need for why that isn't possible.
Other than that, it's a good story and I will be eagerly awaiting future chapters.
4179804
I'm really hoping this will be addressed in some way, and not necessarily with one of them 'beating' the other.
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An unbreakable pact perhaps, where they make a magically-binding agreement not to control each other (some kind of spell in which breaking the terms results in death or something).
Just an idea, if the authors didn't already have one in mind.
EDIT: I just want to clarify, since there's been a lot of criticism in this comment section from me and others, and I don't want to discourage you guys: this fic is pretty good, and I am genuinely excited to see more. There can never be enough MC "World Domination" fics, and a well-written one like this is a gem to be savored. My constructive criticism is only because I like this fic and want to let you guys know my thoughts on it.
DOUBLE EDIT: okay, one last little thing: have you guys considered any cover art for the fic? It doesn't really matter, it's just an OCD thing of mine. Every story should have a cover image! Doesn't have to be anything fancy, even a generic old golden pocket watch would do nicely, considering Dream's cutie mark.
bestgoldpocketwatches.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Gold-Pocket-Watches-3.jpg
Okay, I'm really done now!
Oh, this'll be interesting
Thank you all for your criticism, guys. Both my fellow author and I were wondering that we did something wrong, seeing that it had quite the like/dislike ratio, but you guys gave us hope again! As for the criticism, we'll surely try to address and fix the problems in the next chapter. Also, more show and less tell, but also less info-dumps, got it.
4179283
I'll try to explain Dream's power in the next chapter, seeing it's a bit vague now.
4179375
Now, as for guest appearance. If you have an OC who's an inventor, we might consider it.
Also here, we'll give you a less info-dump next time. Oh, and that's a nice equation. To me, it explains very well what hypnosis is, so the equation will surely help in the next chapter. But, hehe, does it explain what mind control is?
4179804
I see what you mean and I won't lie, that was something we overlooked. His character and mine know each other due to the RP he and I did, and it seemed that feeling has somehow found a way into the story. We'll also address this in future chapters, as this is surely something new that could really impact the way the story goes.
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And yes, we have cover art, but seeing that Follower of Dream's computer doesn't want to upload the cover art, a robot mane six, we'll have to wait until the artist decides to upload the artpiece we intend to use, or otherwise go with our alternative which is a picture of both Dream and Deviosis.
4181308
An inventor, hmm? Well, Angel Grace is based on Angeline Gracewell, a scientist and inventor of a multidimensional communication system. I could easily see her as a tinker, since even though she's a pegasus, she's not a very good flyer.
4181308
Ah, also, I'm glad you like it, but no, it's not very good at describing what MC is
Anyway, I'm looking forward to more from you.
4182955 Alrighty, I'm gonna send a PM asking about a bit more details.
Update darn you. We never even got any robots :(
4391433
I agree! This story was going places.
4434528
On the other hand, http://www.fimfiction.net/story/191434/imperium just appeared. No hypnosis, but Twilight has her brain converted to a computer. Pretty good so far.
4391433 Sorry, been busy with exams and just general university stuff. Work on the story should resume the 21st of June. But, to at least calm down your urges of wanting and update a little, I shall tell you there probably won't be any robots in the next chapter either, but there will be hypnosis. The third chapter should have robots. There, that's all I'm going to say.
That was a really good chapter. The pacing was much better than chapter one, and I especially loved Angel's induction sequence.
4765507 Yay, I'm glad to hear that!
Any chance of this continuing on? Its been a good read so far, shame its hasn't progressed.
Continue with the story, I read this three times now. Add a chapter, if you need inspiration you know how to chat with me.
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She eventually got smart
But yeah, I'd love to see more of this story and not just because I'm in it.
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Gosh, I would like to, though my friend is a writer who experiences Writer's block quite a lot, and I'm a person who needs to light a fire under his ass before finding motivation. I'll try to, but no promises!
Is it cancelled?